Tag: israel

4 Patterns Suggesting that the Dems are Lying (posted 11/17/25)

As usual, lately I’ve been paying close attention to how our political opponents have been acting.  I’ve had my ear to the ground, my nose to the grindstone, and my head on a swivel.  Maybe that’s why I feel like I slept weird last night.

Anyway, I’ve noticed a pattern in recent Democrat behavior, and wonder if you’ve noticed it too.

Example 1: I’ve mentioned this one before, but do you remember when our lefties were gnashing their teeth and rending their garments for several years because of the ongoing “genocide” against “Palestinians?”   Never mind what actually happened.  But to hear them tell it, this was the worst injustice ever, and it involved the IDF doing everything they could to kill Gazan children, while doing their best to avoid accidentally shooting any of the filthy terrorists who were hiding behind those children.

And yet when Trump engineered the end of that terrible carnage, they pouted, and sulked, and stamped their little feet.    

Of course, they didn’t give Trump or Netanyahu any credit for bringing that happy resolution about.  (Unexpectedly!)  But you’d think they’d at least celebrate the end of “genocide,” wouldn’t you?  Hell, even the “Palestinians” were celebrating in the streets as their vicious terrorist brethren who had been rightly held in Israeli jails were returned to them. 

But no.  For our MSM, elected Dems and campus left, Trump was the Grinch who Stole the Genocide, and they were very displeased.

Example 2: As soon as the peace began and the IDF pulled back from Gaza, the Hamas cowards crept back out of their holes and immediately started slaughtering their fellow “Palestinians” who happened to be from rival clans.  Those Gazans might have been expected to assume positions of leadership if the peace continued as scheduled, and Hamas were disarmed and removed from power.  And Hamas couldn’t have that. 

You may have seen the footage of some of the many reprisal killings, which often featured the rival Gazans bound, hooded and helpless, while the peace-loving Hamas terrorists bravely shot them in the backs of their heads.    

You may also remember, like me, how every Gazan killed between 10/7/23 and the beginning of the Trump truce on 10/13/25 was a totally innocent victim and a saint, a veritable Mohammad Luther King Jr.  And the world media covered all of those dead Gazans exhaustively.

Right up until the truce started and Hamas started slaughtering their co-religionists. 

And then each of THOSE killings was…a mystery.  The formerly voracious media closed their notebooks, and turned off their cameras.  Al Jazeera and other jihad-friendly Middle Eastern reporters closed out the word processing programs on their laptops, and returned to the goat porn sites that make up the remainder of their internet usage. 

The MSM has gone radio silent, despite what has to have been at least hundreds of Hamas-on-Gazan murders.  Because I am nothing if not a tireless researcher – you’re welcome, CO nation – I searched for a death toll since 10/13/25.  But I was unable to find anything. 

My first search yielded dozens of articles about all the Gazans killed since Israel responded to the Hamas attack on innocent Jews, but stopped counting in late summer or early fall of this year.  But the death count before that was high, believe them!

Many MSM sources reported between 40,000 – 60,000 “Palestinians” killed by the IDF.   Something called Middle East Monitor came out with a shock headline in late June pegging the deaths at 84,000. 

I’m sure CAIR and the pro-jihadi factions on American campuses – Students for Justice in “Palestine,” the groups claiming to be Jewish but who are fronted by trans, heavily-pierced and heavyset scary gals (I call them the “Jewish as a Ham Sandwich Consortium”), and the faculties of Columbia, Harvard and Yale – have set the number at eleventy-billion.

So I narrowed my search, and made it consecutively more specific.  I went from, “How many Gazans were killed by Hamas since the truce started?” to “How many Gazans were killed by Hamas since 10/13/25?” to “For the love of God, how many Gazans were killed by Hamas in the last 34 days?”

But the response was always the same: pages and pages of articles detailing the quintillion Gazans murdered after Hamas attacked Israel – all of them pediatric nurses and special needs infants and elderly amputees with spina bifida, and brave journalists – but beginning on 10/13/25…nothing.

It’s a Ramadan miracle.  The “Palestinians” have all come down with a simultaneous case of immortality: no one is dying in Gaza anymore, since the evil Jews stopped killing them for no reason at all.

Example 3:  And now I jump ahead to last week, when the second worst crisis of this century – ranked just beneath the “genocide” in Gaza and just above  9/11 – i.e. the Great SNAP Holomodor of the government shutdown ended.  Mysteriously.

Because even though the Dems had absolutely nothing to do with the shutdown starting – it was the Trump shutdown, don’t you know – they somehow figured out a way that they could end it.  By…voting for the deal that had been on the table since the pre-Holomodor/shutdown started. 

And which they’d voted against, 15 times.

Once that vote had passed, was their response, “Thank God that the tragedy has ended, and we can begin the grim work of beginning to bury the bodies of the millions of SNAP recipients who starved to death, and who were totally not mostly morbidly obese, despite what your untrustworthy, functioning eyes might have been telling you.” ?

It was not.  Instead, they ran to every camera and microphone and podcast studio and began venting their rage, and caterwauling that their fellow Dems had wrongly allowed the horrific shutdown – which they’d been screaming for 42 days must end – to end.

My final example takes us to Berkeley, where self-congratulatory leftists will tell you that they bravely started the Free Speech Movement 61 years ago.  And ever since, they’ve been stalwart defenders of the rights of everyone to express unpopular views, free from obstruction, interference or violence. 

Except for, I wanna say, the last 60ish years or so.  Because every conservative who tries to give a speech on campus is harassed and shouted down at best, or violently attacked at worst.  (Rest in Peace, Charlie.) 

Which takes us to last Monday, when the last speech in a series put on by Turning Point USA was scheduled to be given at that cradle of the vaunted free speech movement, Berzerkely.   Annnnndddd… out came the freaks.  

They formed a mob and employed all the old fascist tactics so beloved by the self-proclaimed “anti-fascists.”  They screamed, blew whistles and used bullhorns.  They chanted obscenities and super-peaceful messages like, “F**k your dead homie!”  They scuffled with police and engaged in a lot of vandalism (overturning barriers, throwing objects, spray painting, etc.) 

The most viral video from that night revealed two people fist fighting, one in a “Freedom” shirt, and the other one who stole his cross necklace and assaulted him. (Guess which one was on which side?) 

Despite the freedom shirt guy being all bloody, the cops initially detained him.  Because: Berkeley.  Fortunately, a ton of video was available that showed who started the fight, so the good guy was released and the bad guy charged with robber and battery resulting in injury.

The perfect detail that completed the story?  The leftist aggressor’s name was… wait for it… and I swear I’m not making this up… Jihad Dphrepaulezz.  (I’m guessing that that last name is pronounced just like it’s spelled?) 

Jihad! 

How does that Latin phrase go?  “Nomen est omen.”  (The name is a sign.)  

And I can’t think of a worse omen for how your kid is going to end up than you naming him “Jihad.”  

Though I guess if his full name was “Jihad Child-Killer McScimitar,” he might be a little more screwed than a more typical “Jihad Jones,” or whatever. 

But still.  Don’t name your kid “Jihad.” 

(Cue the NBC musical sting, “The more you know!”)

Just to reinforce that point, regular readers might remember the cheerful tale from a month ago in England (you can find it in my column from October 4th at Martinsimpsonwriting.com) involving a Religion of Peace™ follower named Jihad al-Shamie.  After he stabbed a few unarmed civilians, cops arrived, and it turned out that he’d brought his knife skills to a gun fight.

And as usual in a rousing round of rock-paper-gun-knife, the gun really cleaned up against the competition.  

Anyway, to recap:

When the terrible genocide in Gaza the leftists had been wailing about ended, instead of celebrating, they slunk away and pouted.

And when Hamas started murdering Gazans in large numbers – the same Gazans that right up to 10/13 had been the salt of the earth, and each of their deaths a crime against humanity – the lefties just turned away, sucking on a kale smoothie so they wouldn’t have to make a statement.

And when the Democrats finally ended the government shutdown – which the lefties had said was entirely Trump’s doing, and was a horror that must end – the lefties were furious, and immediately began mourning that the shutdown is over.

And when some conservatives came to the birthplace of the free speech movement to communicate their thoughts, the leftists did everything they could to keep them from speaking freely.

My conclusion?

If I didn’t know any better, it’s almost like they are totally full of Schiff, and wouldn’t know the truth if it was packed into a pager and blown up, right before their eyes.

Or into their eyes.  And into their hands.  And into their non-binary groins.  

Am I saying that’s what should happen to them?  Of course not. 

To quote a vacuous, cackling ex-VP, I’m just saying we should have that conversation.   

Hamas (and Trantifa) delenda est!

Celebrating Liberated Hostages & Response to Trump’s Success (posted 10/14/25)

This isn’t one of my usual columns, just some random thoughts on this happy day, when Trump did what other presidents couldn’t, and brought at least some temporary peace to the Middle East. 

I just spent 20 minutes watching videos of Jewish families being reunited with their loved ones who had been held for two years by evil animals in Gaza. I don’t know a word of Hebrew, but I didn’t need to.  I think these videos are going right up there in my pantheon of feel-good videos to watch now.  (Joining military members surprising their families after being deployed, people with cochlear implants hearing for the first time, dogs greeting their owners after a long time away, and election nights 2016 and 2024.)

I hope we all learn the lessons of the process that led to this day.  Lessons like, “Don’t appease terrorists.  Maim them with explosive pagers, kill their leaders (even if they’re hiding out in Qatar or Iran), and ignore the UN and spineless anti-Semitic politicians and college kids, here or abroad.” 

And whatever you do, don’t elect a morally confused leftist who can’t tell good from evil as your president.

I hate to say it, but I think that when the joy of this moment has passed, Israel is going to have to do some hard thinking about their strategy of giving up thousands of jihadi terrorists every time Jewish hostages are taken.  I can’t blame them for wanting their loved ones back, and it says good things about the depth of their love that they are willing to give up so much to rescue their people.

But strategically, it has backfired in the past, and it’s almost guaranteed to do so again in the future.  It incentivizes evil people to take hostages, and makes a mockery of the Israeli judicial system, since giving terrorists harsh sentences means nothing, when they can be set free every time more Jews are kidnapped.

For evidence, I point to the famous case of Gilad Shalit, an Israeli soldier taken hostage in 2006, and ransomed by Israel five years later in exchange for 1027 Palestinian criminals and terrorists, including 280 who were serving multiple life sentences for terrorist acts.

Among those were terrorists who participated in bus bombings and other massacres; many had more than one life sentence, and one had 36!  One of those scumbags, with 4 life sentences, was Yahya Sinwar, who became the head of Hamas and chief architect of the October 7th terrorist attack.   

Which means that rescuing Gilad Shalit partially contributed to the deaths of thousands of Jews since October 7th, and over 100 more Jews being taken hostage and subjected to death or torture for two years.   That’s a very hard truth to say or to hear, and I don’t know what the solution is, but I don’t think it involves continually trading thousands of violent and guilty men for handfuls of innocents, whose numbers are only going to grow in the future.

(I feel like I should point out that the Jews don’t have our frustratingly self-sacrificial “new” testament.  Normally I am very grateful for the Gospels and all the rest, but I have to admit that there are times when it would be a relief to just have the OG “eye for an eye” rule still in place and operational.  And post October 7th would definitely be one of those times!)

But such thoughts are for another day.  Today is a day for celebrating, and basking in the relief and joy of families reunited, and a national wound salved in Israel.

Not to mention a time for enjoying the schadenfreude-tastic spectacle of our leftists grinding their teeth and rending their garments in frustrated outrage over watching Trump be lauded as an international hero!  Oh, shoot it straight into my veins!

I can’t help but think of Tolstoy’s line, “Every happy family is alike; every miserable one is unhappy in its own way.” 

And boy do our seething leftists have a thousand ways of being miserable today!  Most of them decided on trying to ignore this international triumph.  Lefty streamers and talking heads who can’t quit yammering about how Trump is a moron, and responsible for the ongoing disaster in Gaza, have suddenly gone radio silent.

Many other sour souls – like a certain Barry O, who never met a foreign crisis that he didn’t inflame – felt duty bound to put out a positive statement, but then – hilariously enough – couldn’t bring themselves to mention the Orange Elephant in the room who brought about the spectacular deal that they are grudgingly praising. 

But the idiots occupying the deepest circle of the Democrats’ Dantean Inferno are those who ridiculously tried to take credit for Trump’s accomplishment, which was only achieved because he did the exact opposite of everything they did.

Grandma Squanto cast a certain fetching Indian maiden in the starring role (#wemustneverstopmockingher), beginning her comment – which didn’t mention Trump – with self-congratulation: “For two excruciating years, I have called for the return of the hostages brutally kidnapped on October 7th and held in Gaza.”

Yes. And for two excruciating years, your nagging produced exactly nothing.  Because if foreign policy results were achieved by sending out a super-white harpy to obnoxiously hector people, Hillary Clinton would have achieved world peace when she was SecState. 

Sidebar: JD Vance proves once again that he’s got a black belt in trolling, with this reaction to Lizzie Warren’s tweet: “The president told me he did this on Indigenous People’s Day in honor of you!”  Perfect!

Speaking of incompetent SecStates, Tony Blinken laughably claimed that Trump’s 20-point peace plan for Gaza was based on one developed by the Biden administration! 

Which is weird, because every Biden plan had only 9 points: 1. Try to make it down the stairs intact. 2. Watch out for that sandbag.  3. Look at the picture cards the nice girl gives you when taking questions in a press conference.  4. If the teleprompter goes down, fake a stroke and Roomba your way off stage.   5. Don’t ask if any dead people are in the room.  6. Don’t talk to any dead people in the room.  7. Don’t do that creepy whisper.  8. Or that frightening yell.  9. Don’t poop on the Pope.    

And on his best day ever, Biden went 2-for-9. (And that’s spotting him 1 on the vast majority of occasions when the Pope wasn’t present to be pooped upon.)

Speaking of Corn Pop’s nemesis, in addition to not knowing whether he’s afoot or horseback, Joey Gaffes might actually believe that he had something to do with Trump’s triumph: “The road to this deal was not easy.  My administration worked relentlessly to…end the war.” 

But even Joe had to give Trump credit for “getting a renewed ceasefire deal over the finish line.”  

As if Biden had engineered a drive down to the one-yard line and left it to Trump on first-and-goal, rather than playing for 50 minutes, throwing 4 picks, lining up behind the left tackle instead of the center, then falling and breaking his hip, after which Trump was called in, down by 4 touchdowns with 10 minutes left, and somehow pulled off a miracle.

You’ve got to love those Dems!

On a more somber note, a substantial plurality (if not an outright majority) of the elite left has revealed their true selves, and it’s been an ugly sight.  First, Charlie Kirk got murdered, and not only could they not at least feign sadness, they openly celebrated.

And now, after years of theatrically beating their breast over the terrible “genocide” happening in Gaza, it took them three days after the announcement of a settlement to even grudgingly put out the most tepid acknowledgment of the horrific tragedy’s end.

Which means that either they never gave a damn about the “Palestinian” lives they pretended to agonize over, or they never believed that a genocide was happening in the first place.  Or both. 

The smart money is on both. 

Think about what they’ve shown to the world!  When a good man was murdered, they gloated, and when a terrible war was ended, they pouted.

What’s wrong with these people?!    

Never mind.  It’s a great day, and for the sake of their own pinched hatreds, they’ve banished themselves to the cold and miserable darkness. 

Meanwhile, the rest of us are inside the warm, glowing mansion, feasting and toasting and partying with the Jews, and with all people of good will everywhere.   

L’chaim, CO nation! 

But still…Hamas and Trantifa delenda est!

Tucker Goes Off the Rails, & Jamaal Bowman Thinks the N-word Causes Obesity? (posted 7/10/25)

As enjoyable as it is to make fun of leftists when they beclown themselves, we also need to call balls and strikes on our side too.  And I have to do that now with Tucker Carlson, who has sadly joined Jonah Goldberg as one of my formerly favorite voices on the right who has gone off the rails.

Within the last year I’ve written about Tucker doing some inexplicably bad interviews.  He talked with a weirdo named Darryl Cooper – Carlson called him “the best and most honest popular historian” – who claimed that Churchill (not Hitler) was the chief villain of WWII, and that the Nazis killed millions of POWs out of pity, to save them from starving to death.

Because the Nazis were known for nothing more than their humanitarian compassion for the sub-human untermenschen.

Tucker also did a shockingly sycophantic interview with Putin, in which he praised the magnificence of a Soviet Potemkin subway station, and the cleanliness and great prices in a similarly phony Moscow grocery store. 

His recent debate/interview with Ted Cruz was another low point.  He used cheap gotcha questions, bad faith arguments and ad hominem attacks in the service of a utopian, anti-war stance that he contradicted a few minutes later.  When he asked Cruz what Iran’s population is and Cruz admitted he didn’t know, Carlson adopted an exaggerated astonishment, asking how Cruz could justify going to war with Iran when he doesn’t even know the population.

The debate was about the wisdom and risks of Trump potentially striking Iran’s nuke facilities, and Cruz asked the obvious question of what difference it would make, in that context, whether Iran’s population is 80, 90 or 100 million?  Carlson snapped, “If you don’t know anything about the country—” and when Cruz objected, Carlson asked what the ethnic breakdown of Iran was.

Cruz (correctly) answered that it is Persian and mostly Shia, but then refused to play Tucker’s game further.  Carlson accused Cruz of not believing that Iran has tried to kill Trump – a pretty well-established fact, I think – or else he would have supported going to war with Iran beforehand.  Eventually Cruz got Tucker to reveal how dishonest he was being, when Tucker said that if HE believed that Iran had tried to kill Trump, he’d support nuking Tehran!

This following months of Tucker virtue signaling about how he was against even one person ever dying in a war, and calling people “warmongers” and “ghouls” if they supported Israel’s strikes to take out Iran’s nukes and top military personnel. 

Hey Tucker, around 9 million people live in Tehran.  Even my weak, English professor math tells me that that’s roughly 9 million times the one single person you would never want to see die in a war.  

Tucker’s rhetorical games avoided the real issues that the debate should have focused on:  Has Iran been sponsoring terrorist attacks on Israel, America and her allies throughout the Middle East for years?  (Yes!)  Are the Iranian weird beards racing to get a nuclear weapon?  (Yes again!)  Are they likely to use such a bomb to dominate the region and threaten our allies and interests?  (Hell yes!)    

Tucker ignored the (glowing) elephant in the room, instead arguing that Cruz’s position is corrupt and evil because he doesn’t know that Iranians’ favorite food is chelo kebab, and that their top three turns-ons are moonlit walks in the desert, a well-defined unibrow (on a man or woman), and paying others to murder Jews.

Oddly enough, Carlson’s breathless predictions of the resulting apocalypse if Trump struck Iran’s nuclear sites – A forever war! An American ground invasion with mountains of casualties! Russian and China jumping in on Iran’s side! – were quickly proven to be ridiculous hysteria.

Unexpectedly!

But Carlson’s cage-match interview with Ted Cruz looks even worse when compared to the obsequious tongue-bath he just gave to Iran’s president, a man whose name is not even worth my time to look up, since he’s a powerless puppet of the radical ayatollahs who actually rule Iran.  

Carlson went after Cruz hammer and tongs, like Thor after drinking a flagon of mead dosed with cocaine and meth.  (Mmmm, meth-mead…)  But when he talked with Mahmoud the Grouch (on-point puppet reference), Tucker sounded like Oprah interviewing Que Mala.  No follow-ups, no challenges.  Just a series of questions with no pushback whatsoever, no matter how outrageous the lies being spouted.

There are a dozen examples, but I’ll just cite two that made me shake my head so hard I was in danger of becoming self-concussed.  (In the commentary business, we call this, “Pulling a Crockett.”) 

When the prez claimed that Iran has never and is not now trying to build a nuclear bomb – only clean, green, oh-so-civilian nuclear power – Tucker was silent.  He didn’t ask, “Why would the world’s most oil-rich nation need nuclear power?”  Or “Why have you already enriched uranium to the 60% range when civilian use only requires 3-5%?” or even, “Who buries a civilian power plant hundreds of yards under a freaking mountain?!”

Later, Tucker did manage to ask him what’s up with the constant “death to America” chants. 

And Jihadi Lambchop (puppet reference for the over-60 crowd, and Shari Lewis enthusiasts) says that it doesn’t mean “Death to America.”  Don’t be silly.  It really means death to “crimes, to killing and carnage, to insecurity and stability… [and to] “bullying.”

Got that?  “Death to bullying.”  Because who amongst us, when we see bullying going on – or insecurity, too! – doesn’t race up behind the bullying, pull its head back, and cut its head off with our scimitar, while screaming, “Death to bullying!?”

If that doesn’t make you say, “WTF?” or “You’ve got to be Schiff-ing me!” that’s because you’re not Tucker Carlson.  Who just nodded and moved on.   

Watching this made me miss the old Tucker I thought I knew.  But on the bright side, it also taught me something about the Iranian president:  If Jeff Dunham ever fires him from his gig as Achmed the Dead Terrorist’s sidekick (and there’s the puppet reference hat-trick, my narwhals!), his skill at torturing the language qualifies him to land a tenured position at Harvard as the new occupant of the Bill Clinton Chair for Post-Modern Deconstructionist Prevaricating. 

That job comes with a six-figure salary, all the interns you can grope, and some sweet stationery with an embossed illustration from the Kama Sutra under the position’s Latin motto: “Pendeat ex quid significat ‘est’ ‘est’.” 

(In English: “It depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ ‘is’.”)

Rather than leaving you on that down note, I’ll close with my favorite comedy story from the last week in June.  (I know that was last month.  I’m mocking as fast as I can!)

You might remember Jamaal Bowman from that time when he was the congressman who pulled a fire alarm to prevent a House vote that the Democrats were going to lose.  When it turned out that his devious act was caught on camera, his defense was – did I mention that he was a former school principal? – “I don’t know how fire alarms work.”    

So he lost his next election – unexpectedly! – and has now been reduced to selling his blood, collecting cans, and appearing on CNN panels.

In his most recent CNN appearance, he announced that he’s made a breakthrough medical discovery that might hurt my chances of getting the Nobel Prize for Medicine (for my Simpson Gender Confirmation Protocol™ – see yesterday’s column). If he edges me out, I’m going to be at the end of my rope.  Especially after I’ve been runner-up for People Magazine’s Sexiest Man of the Year for the last 20 years running!

(George Clooney?  I get it.  Chris Hemsworth?  Understood.  But John Krasinski?  Now you’re just rubbing salt in my wounds, People Magazine!)

Where was I?  Oh yeah.

Jamaal Bowman has discovered the cause of heart disease, cancer, diabetes and obesity in the African-American community.  And he rushed straight from the laboratory to CNN to explain, in this quote which I swear to you I am not making up:

“You can’t be calm about this! I’m a black man in America! The reason why heart disease and cancer and obesity and diabetes are bigger in the black community is because of the stress we carry from having to deal with being called the N-word directly or indirectly every day.”

And before you can ask: No, he is not talking about the word “narwhal.”  But the fine people at COOSP (the Cautious Optimism Office of Standards and Practices) have asked me to proceed as if he is.

Sure, at first glance this quote would appear to suggest that Jamaal Bowman is a race-hustling, imbecilic grifter.  At second glance, too.  But if you hang in there long enough, at around glance number 147 or so, Bowman’s theory starts to make sense.

So I’ve spent the last 3 weeks researching his claims.  I decided that heart disease is tougher to quantify quickly, so I focused on cancer, diabetes and obesity.  I found 1000 black volunteers and exposed them to various sources of n-word exposure, and calculated how much each exposure would increase tumors, blood sugar levels, and weight gain.

Here are my preliminary results, adjusted per capita:

Reading Huckleberry Finn (one of the main characters is named “Narwhal Jim,” so…) – 1 tumor, a 10 mg/dl increase in blood sugar, and 4 pounds of added weight. 

Watching Pulp Fiction’s “dead narwhal storage” scene –  2 tumors, 15 mg of blood sugar, 10 extra pounds

Watching Richard Pryor “Live on the Sunset Strip” – 5 tumors, 30 mg blood sugar, 30 pounds

Watching any Dave Chappell Netflix Special – 6 tumors, 70 mg, 50 pounds

My research found a little good news, because as with many medical conditions, some people are more susceptible than others.  Sure, for bitter racial hypochondriacs like Joy Reid or Whoopi Goldberg, just hearing a conversation about the west African nation of Niger is close enough to cause a skin rash and 5 pounds of weight gain.

Meanwhile, role model and great man Clarence Thomas – who has been called a “house narwhal” by half the malevolent leftists in academia and the MSM thousands of times – is still strong like bull.

Anyway, I’ve got bad news and worse news for Jamaal Bowman.

The bad news is that even though Hippocratic-oath-related concerns forced me to cut my final test short, that one produced the highest rate of TVNE (Toxic Verbal Narwhal Exposure), which resulted from listening to a complete album by any rapper other than Kid Rock. 

To wit: head-to-toe metastatic cancer, more sugar than a super-sized Mountain Dew/ice cream float, and weight class: Pritzker. 

The worse news is the Recommended Course of Treatment: spend more time around white people.

I can hear Jamaal now: The cure is worse than the disease!

Hamas delenda est!

The Self-Inflicted Wound that is Zohran Mamdani (posted 7/2/25)

When I left off yesterday, I was just getting to the new leftist blunderkind, the likely future mayor of New York City, Zohran Mamdani.

And I know what you’re thinking: “Zohran” is a good name for a Mongol raider, or a Martian emperor, or perhaps something from Pfizer that you can use to treat your dermatitis. (“Ask your doctor about extra-strength Zohran.  Side effects may include racial tension and economic palpitations, and in rare situations, rectal bleeding and civilizational collapse.”)

But it’s not a good name for a New York City mayor.  And unfortunately, his name is the least objectionable thing about him.  He’s a 34-year-old trust-fund socialist Muslim Jew-hater who’s never had a real job.   He graduated from Bowdoin (unexpectedly!) with a degree in Africana studies (unexpectedly!)  where he also co-founded the school’s chapter of “Students for Justice in Wakanda.”

Sorry, that should be “Students for Justice in Palestine.”  Got my non-existent countries mixed up there. 

Since graduation, he’s followed a career path of being a professional useless person, in such positions as volunteer, activist and agitator.  You know your resume is thin when the most prominent job you’ve held is “failed rapper.”   

And by the way, how the hell does someone fail at rapping?  Lose your rhyming dictionary? 

I mean, I’m almost as white as Liz Warren (#wemustneverstopmockingher), and even I can rap.  

Here you go:

Zohran’s bad, he makes me mad,

my dog is sad, no one’s glad. 

He oughta be mayor of Islamabad.    

Beeyotch!”

Now go watch one of Zohran’s old rap videos, and tell me my rap wasn’t just as good. 

In fact, tomorrow morning I’m going to take a whack at writing my Grammy acceptance speech.  And while I can’t tell you exactly what that will entail, I can tell you the last lines right now: “Shout out to Tom Petty, Rest in Power!  Thank you for your attention to this matter.”

Just kidding.  If any of you ever hear me say, “Rest in Power,” you have my permission to shoot me in the face with whatever firearm is closest to hand.   

Anyway, Zohran is terrible in many ways.  As someone has noted in the past, NYC is already Sodom, but with Soviet Economics.  And ZM said to himself, “Why not go for the trifecta and throw some Jew hatred in there too? See how that goes?” 

Z’s long history of anti-Semitism is already causing some deliciously entertaining leftist-on-leftist infighting in Democrat circles.  A deranged HuffPo article on Senator Kirstin Gillibrand calling out Zohran’s bigotry featured someone named Sanjana Karanth (gesundheit) turning the dishonesty dial up to 11.

She described Gillibrand’s accurate statements as “a shockingly racist tirade” and “the lie that Mamdani endorses rhetoric that endangers Jewish New Yorkers, without mentioning the anti-Muslim hate rising alongside anti-Semitism.”

Yes.  Karanth (Bless you.  Do you need a tissue?) makes a great point, because we are all aware of the tidal wave of hatred directed toward Muslims in America. 

Such as the Jewish massacre of 11 peaceful Muslims worshiping at the Tree of Life synagogue, and the evil Egyptian rabbi who just lit a bunch of peacefully protesting Muslims on fire in Boulder, and the Torah-studying villain who shot that young Muslim couple outside the Capital Jewish Museum in DC last month, and—

No, wait.  My crack research staff tells me that those were all attacks and murders of Jews.  I would recount the hundreds of recent hate-crime attacks on Muslims in America, but when I asked Siri for that list, she just laughed at me until I had to turn her off.  So my bad.     

Zohran has repeatedly called for “globalizing the Intifada.”  Of course Zohran, his apologists, many Islamists, and Sanjana Karanth have a conveniently ahistorical response, pointing out that “intifada” just means “struggle.”

Regular readers know that since I retired I am working on learning German, and it just so happens that I know the German word for “struggle.”  Which is “Kampf.” 

As in, “Mein Kampf.” 

Which is NOT comforting, Zohran!  Especially since I’m sure that Hitler’s manifesto – if translated into Arabic – would be a big seller among Zohran’s co-religionists.  And “Mein Intifada” does not sound any better than the original!  

Even in a party lousy with anti-Semites, Zohran has distinguished himself.  Or as the great Babylon Bee put it, “Hamas Claims Responsibility for NYC Mayoral Primary.”

But Zohran the Merciless doesn’t just hate Jews.  He hates whitey and rich people too!  Like most innumerate socialists, he’s promising the world to poor people: free buses, free healthcare, nearly free grocery stores (Yay, USSR!), and rent control forever!  Ironically, the majority of the poor and black voters went for Cuomo, while it was the woke white college graduates who went strongest for Zohran.  Unexpectedly!

Or, as the Babylon Bee also put it, “Dems Discover Innovative Strategy of Promising Free Stuff to Stupid People.”

Zohran was dumb enough to say that he specifically wants to raise taxes on those in “richer and whiter neighborhoods,” and crunchy granola AWFLs were dumb enough to say, “Thank you sir, may I have another.”

Thus proving that racists who hate minorities are dead wrong.  Because there is nobody on God’s green earth dumber than a white, leftist, blue-city resident at the ballot box.

But the suicide-vest cherry on this intifada sundae is that Zohran has vowed that NYC is going to defy ICE deportation efforts.  After referring to the recent arrest of an illegal at Federal Plaza by ICE agents, Mamdani vowed that “those days are going to come to an end when I’m the mayor.”

Oh man, I am hoping that we can get this fight on pay-per-view! 

In one corner, it’s wimpy Zohran with his history of accomplishing nothing and nearly crying when he talks about mean tweets he’s received (he really did that), as he enters the ring waving copies of his grievance studies diploma and Mao’s Little Red Book. 

In the other corner we have Hulk Homan™, with his bulldog head, Popeye forearms and gravelly voice, who almost certainly has chunks of MS-13 gang members in his stool, and who enters the arena waving a copy of the US code saying that illegals can be deported forthwith.

Not since Mike Tyson in his prime took on that malnourished pre-teen suffering from asthma, spina bifida, rickets and childhood macular degeneration…

And just when I thought I couldn’t respect Zohran less, he took a page from the playbooks of Cankles McPantsuit (“Ah ain’t noways tie-uhd.”) and Que Mala (“Ya bettuh thank ah union membuh!”), and got caught adopting different accents to pander to different crowds. 

Videos of him from his rapping days and also more recently show him doing an Indian accent so pronounced that he made Apu from the Simpsons sound like Professor Henry Higgins.  During an interview, a New York reporter called him out on the issue.  Unexpectedly!

No, this time I’m being serious.  Because this time, it really WAS unexpected! 

Zohran said – in perfectly unaccented English — “New Yorkers, more than they hate someone they disagree with, hate someone they can’t trust.”  (By the way, you had us at “they hate.”)     

The reporter said, “On the issue of trust, you’ve adopted different speaking accents in different scenarios.  Is there one that’s real and one that’s affected?”

He lamely replied that, “There are different parts of my life.  Here in New York City, this is how I speak.”                     

Ugh.  Will the Democrat base never learn?  Normal people like authentic people.  One of the greatest compliments you can hear about a celebrity is “he’s the same person when the cameras are off as when the cameras are on him.”   

Even if a politician or celebrity has some rough edges, we like to know that he or she is not a phony.

For example, I’d bet my house that grade school Tom Homan was exactly the same as Tom Homan now, only smaller.

I picture him playing basketball at recess, when a tough kid from a different school hops the fence and grabs the ball from a smaller kid and starts shooting baskets.  And young pre-Hulk Homan confronts the kid.

 “If you know the Playground Rules, you’ll know that rule 7a is that nobody who doesn’t attend this school can play on this playground.  Now I’m going to give you to the count of 3 to get back on the other side of that fence.  1…” 

And on “2” he head butts the kid into next week, then picks him up and tosses him over the fence like a Martha’s Vineyard liberal tossing the illegals whom DeSantis flew there onto the first bus out of town.   

And Donald Trump sounds like Donald Trump, for good and ill, wherever he is.

Close your eyes.  Trump at the supper table, when he’s 8 years old…  

Well, you’ve got to open your eyes. Because I’m writing this, and you’re reading it.  But you know what I mean.

Trump at supper, age 8:

“Mom, this was a fantastic meatloaf.  Fantastic!  Nobody’s ever had meatloaf like this.  Other people say that meatloaf is their least favorite meal.  They’d rate it at the bottom of all foods, if it even got a rating at all.  And yet, this one was terrific!  Frankly, you have made meatloaf great again.”

The same guy, 70 years later, meeting with the Pope:   

“Hey, your Holiness, I want to apologize for our last guy.   I know you’re too righteous to say it, but I’m not: he was our worst president, even before he came here and sh*t on the guy before you, pardon my French.  Just a disgrace.  Anyway, I’d appreciate it if you’d put in a good word for me with the Man Upstairs, because I am surrounded by the lowest IQ Democrats ever.  Just between you and me, they don’t know what the f**k they are doing, you know?  Hey, do you still get to ride around in the Popemobile?”

And, scene.   

So let’s recap.  Trump is five months in, and he’s got the highest approval ratings he’s ever had.  Groceries, gas and inflation are down, and the border is closed.  The right track-wrong track numbers are up, military recruitment is up, and Iranian nuke sites and scientists are up. 

As in “blown up.”

The stock market has recovered, the BBB appears poised to pass, Trump is handing out EOs like Joe Frazier handing out naps, and  SCOTUS is slapping down leftist judges’ TROs like Macron’s wife slapping Macron.  Harvard is trembling, Rosie has fled to Ireland.  And Trump is in the process of crushing his enemies, seeing them driven before him, and listening to the lamentations of their men who identify as women.

And the Democrats are about to elect a cosplaying Communist jihadi who couldn’t run a lemonade stand to run NYC straight into the ground, a process which should be well underway about the time people are going to the polls in next year’s midterms.

To paraphrase an optimistic Elwood Blues talking to Joliet Jake right before the iconic car chase, it’s 17 months to the midterms, we’ve got a full tank of gas, a half a pack of EOs, things look dark for the Dems, and we’re wearing sunglasses. 

So we’ve got that going for us.

Hamas delenda est!

They Won’t Accept Success: Tucker and the Left’s Reaction to Taking Out Iran’s Nukes (posted 6/27/25)

It’s been interesting to watch the reactions to Trump’s bombing of Iran, especially since there are very few things that we agree on as a nation.  Our recent election results have all been within a handful of points of 50/50, and the job approval ceiling for the last several presidents appears to be right around 50%.

In that context, you’d think the 12 Day War in Iran – assuming that the fighting is now over –would seem to be an extreme outlier, since there has rarely been such a one-sided modern battle. 

Israel’s all-time record victory in the Six-Day War in 1967 will likely never be topped.  (One of my all-time favorite t-shirts is a white one with the blue Star of David on it, and the words, “Six Days, B*tch.”)  And even the first Gulf War took a little over a month. 

So the speed of this victory, along with the moral lopsidedness of the combatants – no one but Iran’s ruling theocratic dictatorship and their terrorist clients could side with them – is also unusual in most conflicts among states.  You would have to be a totally deranged lunatic to side with the mullahs over Israel and us.  (Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… Keith Olbermann.)

I wrote in a previous column about Israel’s stunning successes against Iran before this war, and then during the lightning-strikes and coordinated strategic destruction of military targets, along with decapitating the cream of the Iranian military commanders and nuclear scientists.  It’s amazing to think about how much they’ve accomplished in a year!

They decimated Hezbollah with the brilliant pager plot, along with targeted strikes on all of their top leaders, and did the same to Hamas with their relentless attacks on the terror forces of October 7th.  They contributed to the weakening of the Assad regime in Syria by eliminating much of their navy and air force, and when Assad fled, Israel wisely flew strikes that took out most of their remaining ships, planes, missiles and chemical weapons, so they wouldn’t fall into the hands of Assad’s successors.

They also took out much of Iran’s air force over the last year, and in the early hours of their attacks this month, they took out the rest, along with the leaders who would have organized a military response and possible counter strikes.  Their successes meant that our bombing run against Iran’s nuke sites posed fewer risks than it otherwise would have.

All of this put the Democrats in a very tough position, partly because too many elite Dems and their activist base really dislike America, and partly because successes of one party always make for bad politics for their competitors.  I mean, if Biden’s program – allowing millions of illegals into the country, spending like a meth addict with a trust fund, forcing dudes into girls’ sports and lockerrooms, imposing draconian covid mandates and lockdowns on healthy people – had succeeded, our election prospects last year would have been dismal.

Having said all that, it was so entertaining to watch all of the hysterical reactions from Never Trumpers and the left during the lead up to our bombing.  Particular favorites in a crowded field were the articles and speeches of David Frum and Chuck-you Schumer, which aged like milk left out in the summer sun.      

Frum published an article in the Atlantic (motto: Wrong About Everything Since 1857) entitled, “What Iran Knows About Trump: The Mullahs of Iran Join the Bet that Trump Always Chickens Out.”  I’m going to see if I can get the Atlantic to publish my companion piece to Frum’s.  I’m calling it, “What David Frum Knows About Trump… Could Fit in a Thimble.”  Frum also tweeted that, “’Two Weeks’ is what Trump says when he’s backing away from a commitment he did not mean.”

What makes those even funnier?  They both appeared on June 21st, the very day that Trump was rocking the Iranian Casbah (sing it with me, “Khameni don’t like it…”) instead of chickening out, as Frum-py knew he would. 

Schumer got in earlier, but just as stupidly.  He put out a video a few weeks ago warning that Trump was going to fold to the mullahs, and make a secret deal.   “If Taco Trump is already folding, the American public should know about it,” he croaked.   

He sneered that Trump was “gonna sound tough in public and then negotiate a side deal that lets Iran get away with everything.”  And give him credit, because he was half right:  Trump did sound tough in public. 

But then he dropped the Massive Ordnance Penetrator, or MOP.   

And before you can ask, I looked it up, and that is NOT gay slang, no matter how much it sounds like it.  (Still, the next time my wife asks me to get the mop, I’m going to chuckle and give her my Grouch Marx eyebrow wiggle, even though she won’t get it.) (I mean the comedic reference, not the…  Ahem.  Perhaps I’ve said too much.)

By the way, I assume that everyone has noticed Schumer’s obvious physical decline.  He was briefly taken to the hospital a day ago for a breathing scare, but he was losing it long before that.  He’s getting more and more hunched-over every time I see him; right now he’s got the posture of a jumbo shrimp, or possibly the letter “c,” and that gives him a creepy Nosferatu-ian vibe when he crouches over a podium and hollers at us while glaring from over the top of his glasses.

Do any politicians ever just retire anymore? 

Unfortunately, Tucker Carlson has continued his precipitous slide from being a smart and insightful guy into either a dumb hack, or a dishonest one.  Shortly before Trump gave the mullahs the MOP (stop snickering), Tucker was on Steve Bannon’s podcast raving about the apocalyptic consequences if Trump did anything to Iran.

He said it would signal “the end of the American Empire” and of Trump’s presidency, and predicted that we’d lose thousands of soldiers in another Iraq situation.  And he mocked the idea that the argument isn’t between those who want to use quick strikes to prevent Iran from getting nukes, and those who want to rely on drawn-out negotiations (which, spoiler alert have been tried and failed miserably for the last several decades). 

Nope.  For Tucker, “The real divide is between those who casually encourage violence and those who seek to prevent it – between warmongers and peacemakers.”  That sounds like something that could have been written by Bernie Sanders, AOC, or the ghost of Howard Zinn. 

Speaking of AOC (she of the juicy booty, according to her), she and half the Democrats in Congress ran to microphones or X and immediately started calling for the impeachment of Trump (again!) and decrying his horrific, unconstitutional act of bombing without getting congress’ permission first. 

Apparently no one has told them that every president since HW Bush has done that, or that Obama dropped thousands of bombs without congress’ permission in just the last several months of his reign of terro—I mean, administration.

But I didn’t need to study for years about geopolitics to support the bombing of Iran’s nuke sites.  Because I informed myself by reading an article on Twitchy about 20 actual laws in Iran, and that was enough. 

A small sampling of illegal activities in Iran: apostasy (leaving Islam), blasphemy, homosexuality and adultery can all get you the death penalty.  You can’t criticize the chief Weird Beard, or drink alcohol, or dissent online.  Women can’t sing or dance in public or go to stadiums, and they have to wear pup tents or beekeeper outfits. 

You can get up to 74 lashes for holding hands or kissing in public, and any same-sex relationships – even if, and I am quoting, they are “non-penetrative” – will get you “lashes, prison or worse.”  (I’m no relationship-ologist, but if your sexual relationships are non-penetrative, I’m pretty sure you’re doing something wrong.) (But hey, you do you.)

However, I didn’t even need to read about any of those laws, because they had me at # 19:  Dog ownership is banned, because dogs are “unclean.”   (Cassie the Wonder Dog is beside my desk as I write this, so I’m typing very quietly.)  Which is truly offensive, not to mention ridiculous.

I’ve seen those mullahs’ lice-y looking beards, and I’ve read about their goat brides – not to mention the goat chlamydia outbreaks that routinely sweep through the Iranian leadership – so I don’t think they should be throwing any stones about cleanliness from inside their glass mosques.    

Am I saying that the Iranians deserved a devastating bombing campaign because of the way they treat dogs?

I’m saying we should have that conversation.

And I’m also saying yes.    

Hamas delenda est

Greta’s Great Adventure (posted 6/25/25)

This story is a couple of weeks old – which feels like years, in this media environment – but it contains too much hilarity and valuable lessons to not comment on it before it disappears from our memory completely.

This spring, an American organization called the Gaza Humanitarian Fund (GHF) was formed, and it soon got the backing of the Trump administration and the Israeli government to start trucking food into Gaza and distributing it to the Palestinians.  Before then, the food distribution had been handled primarily by the UN, and through its usual honesty and competence…most of that food ended up in the hands of Hamas thugs, who then sold it at inflated prices to the Gazans.

The GHF quickly became much more successful, getting the food to the people it was intended for, while cutting out the Hamas creeps who had been preying on them.  Hamas’s response had the maximum Hamas-ness: they started beating and shooting people to keep them from getting the food, especially when the people had started to openly applaud and say, “Thank you, America.”

The MSM jumped right on the story, reporting that the scenes of grateful Gazans were AI deep fakes, and that the IDF had been shooting, and causing the recipients to panic and trample each other.  Because of course they did. 

When the AI story and the smears of the IDF were debunked, the MSM quickly melted away and started lying elsewhere.  Because: ditto.

Anyway, GHF’s performance demonstrated what a legitimate charitable food distribution plan looks like. 

Meanwhile, a boat was sailing from Sicily (and where were the mafia pirates when you needed them?) toward Gaza on a mission to provide an instructive counter-example of what a fraudulent, virtue-signaling PR circle jerk looks like.  And boy, did it!

The most prominent celebrity passenger on The Mental Minnow was Greta Thunberg, of “The climate will kill us all!” fame.   She’s known by many names: The Doom Pixie.  Sweden’s Shame.  Lil’ Miss “How Dare You!”  But she wanted the world to know that she’s moved on to another noble cause: Jew hating.

Greta and the other merry moronic mariners made videos to document their brave journey to, as she put it, “attempt to break the siege and open up the humanitarian corridor by delivering aid like food and medical supplies.”  She waxed eloquent about the “systematic starvation of 2 million people” and “a live-streamed genocide.” 

Of course, that Israeli genocide does not exist anywhere outside of her unnervingly square head.  But the Self-important Scandinavian was not going to be deterred by little things like facts and reality.  

“Hey Martin,” you are probably saying, “did she record those videos while dressed in the traditional garments of her people, i.e. the Sverigedräkten, or Swedish national dress?”

Yes, and no.  (And by the way, nice umlaut you’ve got there.)  She did wear the traditional garment of her people, but her real people aren’t the Swedes, but the anti-Semites.  And their traditional garment is the terrorist tablecloth, i.e. the keffiyeh. 

And yes, she was all keffiyeh-ed up! 

Naturally, the Israelis intercepted the boat, which gave the maritime martyrs the chance to preen and posture.  Greta recorded a video saying that she was being kidnapped, and appealing to the government of Sweden to use diplomatic pressure to get her released, so that she could complete her mission of taking what turned out to be a small cooler of assorted sandwiches and unpronounceable Swedish snacks to the Gazans. 

The Swedes, not usually noted for their sense of humor, managed to have a perfect, deadpan reaction.  As the Mail Online put it, “Sweden has rejected Greta’s plea for help.”  The Swedish Minister of Foreign Affairs, Maria Malmer Stenergard (she sounds hot, but strict) said, “A great responsibility rests on those who choose to travel contrary to the advice given to a place.” 

Then she pursed her lips and gave a curt nod – which my Norwegian wife informs me is the Scandinavian equivalent of an Italian guy spitting on the ground and giving you both middle fingers – and walked back into Umlaut Hall, or whatever the Swedes call their White House.  

The Jews, on the other hand, are quite famous for their sense of humor.  (Which you would know if you’ve ever seen the Three Stooges, Albert Brooks, Jerry Seinfeld, or Bernie Sanders.)  And they gave Greta the business in their press release, which I am not making up:

“The ‘selfie yacht’ is safely making its way to the shores of Israel.  The passengers…were provided with sandwiches and water, and are expected to return to their home countries.  The tiny amount of aid that wasn’t consumed by the ‘celebrities’ will be transferred to Gaza through real humanitarian channels.” 

Perfect!  But after that squirt of seltzer in the eyes and pie in the face, the Israelis also caught Greta’s Groupies with a little Schindler’s List surprise, taking her and her companions into a room where they began to screen the horrific film of the October 7th massacre.  According to Israel’s Defense Minister Israel Katz – and I couldn’t make that name up if I tried – “when they saw what [the film] was about, they refused to continue watching.” 

Because of course they did. 

And within 24 hours, Israel deported the whole rotten lot of them. 

Many people cheered Greta’s failure, but not me.  Because I think she got what she wanted, which was to cosplay as a brave, compassionate do-gooder whose noble mission was thwarted by the dastardly Jews. 

I wish that the Israelis had wrong-footed her by waving her through at the border into the hands of Hamas.  With the help of my conical purple wizard hat, I know exactly how that would have gone:

IDF guy:  Here you go, you morally superior Europeans.  Welcome to Gaza.

Greta (nervously): W-w-what?  Aren’t you going to arrest me, to stop me from bringing aid and sustenance to my Muslim fellow-sufferers under the Zionist jackboot?

IDF guy:  No, no.  You can go right on in.  You see those angry-looking men standing with their arms crossed and sneering?  Those are your Hamas “handlers.”

Greta:  Were those verbal quotation marks around “handlers?”  What do you mean by “handlers?”

IDF: Oh nothing.  Just that they’re going to handle you.

Hamasnik 1 (H1):  Who is that infidel harlot?  She looks familiar.

Hamasnik 2 (H2): I’ve never seen her before.  She has a very square head.

H1: What?

H2: Her head is strange.  Very distinctive shape.  If I had ever seen her before, I would remember that head.

Achmed (just joining them):  What is going on? 

H1: The Jews are letting those infidels come in.

Achmed: Why?  And what’s with that woman’s head?  It’s perfectly square.

H2 (to H1): I told you!  And her eyes are small and beady.

Achmed (snapping his fingers): I know!  That’s Greta Thunberg.  That obnoxious infidel harlot who lectures everybody all the time.

H1:  That’s it!  I knew I recognized her.  (doing an impression in a high-pitched voice) “How dare you?”

Achmed (in a similar voice): “You have stolen my dreams with your empty words!”

H2: I’ve never heard of her.

H1: You’re lucky.  She is terrible.  She screamed at the infidel men, and no one even flogged her!  I can’t imagine having to listen to her.

Achmed: She needs a ball gag to shut her up.

H1 and H2 (looking at each other, then at Achmed): A what?

Achmed:  A ball gag.  (looks at them)  You know, like in the movies, when a woman is… making noise, and…  Perhaps I’ve said too much.

H1:  Perhaps you have, Achmed!

Achmed (changing the subject):  Anyway, how about that head?  She’s the reason Allah made burkas, and told us to cover women with them.

H2: I’m not sure you could get a burka over that head! 

H1: If you did, it would look like you put a burka on a box! 

Achmed: And you’d still have to look at those weird beady eyes through the eye slot.

The three laughed, while Greta watched them, nervously.    

H1: I don’t know how those infidel men do it.

H2: Truly, they are very foolish. 

After a long moment of them staring, and Greta fidgeting…

H3:  Still, she can be my third wife.

H1: Isn’t your goat your third wife?

H3 (shrugging):  Then she can be my fourth wife. 

Greta (turning, dropping to the ground and grabbing the IDF guy’s legs):  Don’t leave me here.  Let me go back into Israel!

IDF guy: You want to come back into the nation of genocidal evildoers?

Greta: Yes, please.

IDF guy: What about the poor, oppressed Palestinians?   

H3 (calling and waving): Hello, infidel harlot?  Bring your square head over here, so I can smite you with the cane of instruction!

Greta (to H3):  No thank you.  But good luck with your intifada! (quietly, to the IDF guy, out of the corner of her mouth): Get…me…out of here.

And scene. 

Hamas delenda est!

I’m Watching Events in the Middle East with a Big Bag of Popcorn (posted 6/20/25)

I am continuing to love the news about Israel out-smarting the weird beards in Iran! 

I saw a RedState headline saying, “How Israel Lured Iran’s Top Generals to their Deaths,” and I immediately thought the same thing I’m assuming that you were all thinking:

Pay-per-view Goat Porn!

But no.  They actually managed to send authentic-sounding phone calls to the top 20 generals telling them to come to a meeting at a specific bunker.  Which was smart, because the ploy took advantage of the brutality of the Iranian regime. 

In a functional military structure, generals getting that phone call might have double-checked by calling someone else in the chain of command to verify the message.  But because the totalitarians running Iran rule by fear and cruelty, none of the generals dared to question the order.

 A Mossad agent was surveilling the bunker, and counting the terrorists as they showed up, possibly using a counting song from childhood.  (The version I heard was, “One little, two little, three little Warrens, four little, five little….”)

(#wemustneverstopmockingher) 

Luckily, the agent managed to not fall asleep as he was counting them – because he was not counting sheep, but sheep-ravagers – and when they were all inside, he called HQ with a “go-ahead” message. 

Which I fantasize was something coded, like, “The schmucks are in the mosque,” or “The putzes are ready for the mohel,” but was probably something more like, “The FA phase is complete; commence with the FO phase.” 

One of the big shots who experienced ROMD (rapid-onset molecular disassembly) in that bunker was a general named Hossein Salami.  (I’m guessing that spelling is wrong, but when you’re a juvenile mullah-mocker and God drops a name like “General Salami” on the deli counter, you grab it and run with it!)  

When the bunker was hit a few minutes later – possibly by one of those Jewish space lasers the anti-Semitic conspiracy theorists are always yammering about – it made for one of the simplest games of Clue ever. 

Because it was obviously the Jews, in the bunker, with the salami slicer.

Hilariously enough, Salami was talking like he was a foot long (if you know what I mean), in a press conference literally one day before he got smoked and diced, in this quote which I swear I am not making up: “Iran is fully ready for any scenario.”

Sooo…cue the sad trombone.  Or in this case, the sad shofar. 

Because there was obviously at least one scenario that Salami wasn’t fully ready for, and it involved Bibi putting the ballistic “club” into “club sandwich,” and not even bothering to ask Salami if he wanted his bun toasted.   

(They said to me, “Sure, Martin, you came up with an impressive number of fish-related puns about LA Mayor Karen Bass in a column last week.  But we bet you can’t create a half-dozen hilarious lunch meat references in your coverage of the Israeli attacks on Iranian nuke sites story.”   And I said, “Hold my deli platter and watch this.”)

Hey, while we’re in the Middle East, two more fantastic stories happened that I haven’t had the opportunity to comment on…and I can’t miss that chance.  The first one was when a clot of entitled, anti-Israel social justice warriors made a march to Gaza as part of an ambitious program called, “Virtue Signalers Without Borders.” 

Because they assumed that the evil Jews would be mean to them and not let them through the Israeli border into Gaza, they chose to go through Egypt instead.  

Annnnddddd…the Egyptians were mean to them, and wouldn’t let them through the border!  HA!  Every freaking detail of the story is delicious. 

The marchers were wearing keffiyehs.  (Because of course they were.) And I don’t have to tell you that a white, spoiled Jew-hater putting on a keffiyeh automatically increases his SFPI (Simpson Face Punchability Index) score by 20 points.  (Duh!)

When their convoy was stopped by Egyptian officials when it was over 100 miles from the Rafah crossing, the arrogant boneheads went right down the Bingo card of all the behaviors that work great on an Ivy League campus run by far-left faculty zealots and castrati administrators.

Via the NY Post: they took part in a sit-in on the road, they “threw tantrums,” and some “broke down in tears.”  They chanted, “Free, Free Palestine,” and waved several different countries’ flags.  They also lectured the Egyptians about how they don’t hate Jews enough, and many of them started threatening to go on a hunger strike.  

The Egyptians, on the other hand, used tactics very rarely seen on Ivy League campuses.

Egyptian police formed an unsmiling cordon of what looked like Pharoah’s bodyguards in tactical forces gear, and looked on as “Egyptian locals, some little more than children, pull[ed] the activists off the road” while others “could be seen hurling clubs and water bottles at the hapless protestors.” 

I think I speak for all of us American Christians and conservatives when I say, “Allahu Akbar!”

There may be more entertainment to come, because according to an article in Spiked called, “The March of the Useful Idiots” (chef’s kiss for that one), “Predictably, the would-be white saviors reacted with indignity when the uppity brown locals violently resisted their ‘march.’  They then resorted to anger and vitriol as they chanted, ‘F**k Egypt.’”

Sounds about right.  

Organizers posted on Instagram that, “There are now reports of force being used against participants, with some being detained, harassed, physically harmed and deported.”  

To which there are three good responses:

1.UNEXPECTEDLY!       

2. Oh no!  Well anyway…

3. Is it possible for Trump to call out the Egyptian National Guard to big blue cities in America?

Speaking of “hapless” and “little more than children,” the second story was even funnier, because it involved Saint Greta Thunberg, the Doom Pixie who’s gotten bored with the existential danger posed by changing weather, and has now turned her bottomless, self-righteous scorn onto the people who control the weather: the Jews!   

But the combination of the prescribed dose of medicinal bourbon I’ve taken and the amount of sack time I need before I start sanding and refinishing some wood floors tomorrow means that I’ll have to save that for Monday’s column. 

Have a great weekend, and as always…

Hamas delenda est!

It’s a New Month, but Harvard Has Little to be Proud About, & Hamas is Running Out of Sinwars (posted 6/2/25)

Well, it’s the beginning of another Haughty Spirit month, so if you’re super stoked about your sexuality, you do you.  But also, remember that everything doesn’t have to happen in public.  Because there’s a time and place—

Sorry.  My crack staff has just given me a correction, and here at the Simpsonian Institution we strive for accuracy.  It turns out that I’d mixed up my King James texts.  To wit, “Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”

So it’s Pride month, not Haughty Spirit month.  My bad.  Though in past years when I wasn’t able to look away from some parade floats on tv soon enough, I noticed that there was quite a bit of haughty spirit exposed too.  Along with a disturbing amount of big bellies and bare arses.  So thanks for those visuals, you exhibitionist loons.

I’m not going to ask why there’s no heterosexual pride month, because I think it’s weird to feel proud about sexuality.  After all, as Cole Porter pointed out, “Birds do it.  Bees do it.  Even educated fleas do it.”  And I’m not big on recorded sexuality parades of any type, anyway.  (Though if you insist on having one, spotting a “reverse-cowgirl” float as I’m going through the channels wouldn’t be as unsettling as a “dudes in arse-less chaps” float would.)

By the way, note to aspiring rappers out there: Re-read those lyrics.  They’re almost 100 years old and they’re about sex, but they’re still remembered, and they’re still goofy and fun.  And there isn’t a single “b*tch” or n-word in there.  (If you think anyone will be remembering “WAP” a century from now, you’re as dumb as your “songs” sound.)

Anyway, there’s no pride month for eccentric males like me, who prefer women, and I’m not asking for one.  Although again, if we must have some sort of sexuality-related public celebration, I suggest that a Great Beauties Hall of Fame would be a good alternative.  I am even willing to suggest some nominees for the first class of inductees, all of whom had an impact on an impressionable young Martacus: Sophia Loren, Raquel Welch, Farrah Fawcett and Nena (of “99 LuftBallons” fame). 

Loren and Welch were at the height of their powers before I reached puberty, but when I saw both of them on tv reruns – Loren as a sponge diver in a movie I have no other memory of, and Welch fighting off dinosaurs in a fur bikini (that one was based on a true story, I think)…  Well, let’s just say that I knew even then that I wouldn’t be going down the “Mayor Pete Path,” if you know what I mean.

Farrah is self-explanatory, and you wouldn’t think that a doe-eyed, one-named cutie singing in German would stick in one’s mind, but the heart wants what it wants.  And of course my smokeshow wife would be inducted as the first winner in the Lifetime Achievement category. 

Where was I? 

Oh yeah.  I’m hoping that since the cultural tide seems to have turned against some of the excesses of woke sexual foolishness (mandatory pronouns, kowtowing to those with autogynephilia or gender dysmorphia, 57 genders fantasies, etc.), Pride cheerleading might be less ubiquitous and annoying this year.  

Speaking of “even educated fleas do it,” I am loving Trump’s beat-down of Harvard!  As a former academic, I’ve always wondered exactly how much the Ivy League in general hates Jews, free speech, and academic freedom.  And now it looks like we might be getting an answer: way more than $3 billion dollars’ worth!

When Trump first fired a shot across Harvard’s bow – telling them to start abiding by civil rights laws and crack down on Jew-hating freaks who have been disrupting their educational mission, or forfeit some grant money – I figured that the bureaucrats would make a token show of resistance and then sheepishly comply.  I thought that the horrific optics of standing with obnoxious jihadi brats and their tent-ifada would be enough to make Harvard submit, even without financial pressure.

But no!  The arrogant snoots dug their jack-booted heels in for Jew hatred uber alles, even after Trump threatened to take away more federal funds.  So then he said he’d be challenging their tax exempt status, and trying to block them from enrolling foreign students, many of whom are a coveted source of both bundles of cash and hatred of America and the West – two coveted resources for the extremist partisans running Harvard. 

Harvard got their noses even higher in the air – who would have thought that was even possible? – and filed suit against the president, rather than submit.  Of course, partisan left judges are coming out of the woodwork to block Trump (unexpectedly!), but it’s hard to see how they can win this one. 

American taxpayers can’t be forced to fund any university who defies federal laws in ways various and sundry, and no university is entitled to billions in funding automatically.  As a schadenfreude-tastic beneficial side effect, this case is fortuitously exposing the dark underbelly of academe, not just in its anti-Semitism, but in the way it has been decreasing admissions for  American students in favor of unvetted and often anti-American foreign students, and also systematically discriminating against conservative/traditional/pro-Western beliefs in faculty hiring and student admissions. 

Over the weekend CO reposted a tweet from Shabbos Kestenbaum (@ShabbosK) (whoever that is), pointing out that within 20 minutes of Harvard President Alan Garber sanctimoniously proclaiming that, “Harvard is not Harvard without its international students,” Garber awarded an honorary Harvard degree (I’m guessing in “Anti-Semitism Studies?”) to Elaine Kim, who supports efforts to “ban Israeli students from all universities.”

Ugh.  Kestenbaum summarizes the situation perfectly: “Israel is an American ally.  Harvard is not.” 

Yep.

I think Trump’s next move was a stroke of genius: he threatened to send $3 billion in grant money away from Harvard and to trade schools instead.  It’s probably an empty threat, but I like the idea, and it reinforces Trump’s appeal to working class voters: The Dems are for the rich elites getting grievance studies degrees at Harvard, and he’s for blue collar folks learning a trade.   

I’m hoping that if all else fails, and courts stop Trump from letting Harvard admit thousands of foreign students, he can at least give the leftists a taste of their own medicine, and deploy the “due process” gambit.  The State Department can say, “Okay, we’re prepared to admit foreign students.  But we have to give them very thorough, due-process vetting before giving them a student visa. And if that takes 4 or 5 semesters to get done, so be it.”

I feel bad for some innocent foreign students who get caught up in that process, but that’s the price that Harvard is imposing on them by defying the laws (and the taxpaying citizens) of the United States.  Because Ivy League administrators and faculty need to learn the real meaning of something they’ve been chanting for years: no one is above the law!

Finally, speaking of jihad enthusiasts, Hamas might be running out of Sinwars. 

You might remember that Yahya Sinwar was the leader of Hamas, until the IDF caught up with him last October.  He ran into an apartment building in Gaza, where an IDF drone filmed him throwing a stick at it (rumors that he threw like a girl are confirmed, and hilarious) before they assisted him in assuming rubble temperature. 

Well Yahya had a younger brother, and his name was Muhammad.  (Unexpectedly!)  He had helped plan the October 7th massacre, and he had taken his brother’s place as a Hamas leader.  And on Saturday, Israel announced that earlier in May, they had struck an underground compound near a hospital in southern Gaza, thus sending Muhammad to his eternal reward.

Which, if I understand justice in the afterlife correctly, involves an eternity of rectal pitch-forking. 

The Israeli defense minister with the most Israeli name ever (Israel Katz!) named the two most likely senior Hamas successors to the unlamented Sinwar brothers as Izz al-Din al-Haddad and Khalil al-Hayya, and warned them, “You are next in line.”

So if you’re keeping score at home, two Sinwars have been retired, the Katz is out of the bag, and the hyphenated Izz and Khalil are on deck.  If you want to see their near future, open Duckduckgo.com and search “MLB Pitcher Randy Johnson hits a bird.” 

And then picture a flying keffiyeh, instead of a cloud of feathers.

Hamas delenda est!

Why Has America Volunteered to be Weak? (posted 4/7/25)

Well, this is going to be at least a three- or four-column week, because addled lefties are still creating entertaining and educational stories faster than I can mock them.  I’ve got the third in a three-part series of columns on immigration etiquette coming in the next day or two.

But first, on a related note, something else is stuck in my craw.  Because the anomaly that has most aggravated me about our country’s struggles in recent years is that it’s been so VOLUNTARY on our part. 

For most of human history, when nations struggled or faced the kind of systemic problems that our society has had, the problems have been forced on those nations.   For example, late-stage Rome was beset on all sides by strong barbarian tribes; Poland tried to stave off Nazi mechanized and air forces with cavalry; a weakened czarist system was caught off guard by the demonic frenzy of a communist revolution.

By contrast, consider our recent struggles, in foreign policy and at home: 

Foreign policy example 1: Iran’s despotic mullahs are developing nuclear weapons, which we could easily stop.  We wouldn’t even have to do anything ourselves. 

Our president could just get on a Zoom call with Netanyahu and some serious-looking IDF or Mossad guys. (Think: the modern equivalent of Ariel Sharon and eye-patch-wearing bad arse Moshe Dayan.  And you know that Israel has some of those guys on staff at all times, Jehovah bless ‘em.)    

Trump: The weird beards in Tehran are getting froggy with their nukes.  What do you know about that?

Netanyahu: Little bit.

Trump:  Is that DeNiro?  Are you doing DeNiro?

Netanyahu: Are you looking at me? Because I don’t see anyone else here.

Trump: Ah!  I love this guy!  Anyway, if you happened to know where those nukes were being built, and the United States suggested that we have an interest in them prematurely detonating, how long would that take?

Netanyahu: From right now?

Trump: For example.

Netanyahu glances at a guy in a dark suit and sunglasses standing behind him, looking like a non-goy Jason Statham.  The guy steps forward and whispers something to Netanyahu, then steps back. 

Netanyahu: 47 minutes.

Trump: Sweet! I’ll call Jeffrey Goldberg and tell him I’ve got an exclusive story for him.  (Netanyahu’s eyes widen, and he blinks rapidly.)  AH!  Got ya, Bibi! 

Netanyahu relaxes, then crinkles the corner of his eyes and bobs a finger at Trump.  “You!  You got a gift!” 

Trump (pointing a finger back at Netanyahu):  DeNiro again, from “Analyze This!” I love that one.  Anyway, make some Persian rubble bounce, and no tariffs for you.”

And, scene.

Example 2: The Houthis.  

They’re a Third-World militia with souped-up bass boats and a handful of Iranian missiles, and drones you could get from Dick’s Sporting Goods.  And they’ve been holding up world-wide shipping for a couple of years!  All while Anthony Blinken racked up frequent flier miles in rounds of pointless meetings with a bunch of useless UN types and some Islamic “diplomats” who could barely keep a straight face. 

Then Trump gets in, and comes into a WH briefing room after a round of golf, and watches a Houthi “stronghold” get lit up like Michael Moore’s eyes when he spots an unattended ham sandwich.  Then, a couple of days ago, he releases another video, this time of a bunch of Houthis standing around in a rectangular grouping, planning a new attack.

Annndddd…missile strike!  And suddenly the sand is littered with diced Houthis encrusted in sea salt and seasoned with RPG accelerant.   [Begin Homer Simpson filter: “Mmmm, diced Houthis.”]

Trump posted the video with the Trumpiest of all possible descriptions: “These Houthis gathered for instructions on an attack.  Oops, there will be no attack by these Houthis!  They will never sink our ships again!”

And predictably, our legacy media – whom we don’t hate nearly enough – immediately tried to claim that the Houthi terrorists were just a bunch of peaceful Yemenis in a tribal gathering. Their evidence?  Undated photos of other Yemenis in other rectangular groupings during other tribal gatherings.

Got that?  Yemenis often get together in rectangles, and this group was arranged in a rectangle.  Therefore, we put the warheads on the wrong foreheads.  Yada yada yada, genocidal war crime!

Ugh!  If these media hacks were around during WWII, you know they’d be showing Nuremburg rallies with Nazis all lined up in rows, with self-righteous voice-over narration saying, “You know who else liked to line up in rows? [Cut to pictures of a Lutheran worship service.]  See?  Germans, all in rows!  The allies are bombing pacificist Lutherans!  Won’t somebody please think of the Lutherans?!”

One fact that the MSM hacks don’t point out?  If the Houthi gathering we just blew up had been a peaceful assembly of Yemeni civilians, the Houthi militia spokes-jihadis would have immediately released a full-run down of the names and ages of the sainted dead.  Which they have not done.

Unexpectedly!

The same trend of voluntarily choosing weakness has been happening on the domestic front too.  Was there any reason for bunches of cops to stand around watching as hordes of antifa and BLM rioters toppled statues, burned police stations, looted stores and did literally billions of dollars of damage to cities all over the country for months on end?

Was there any reason to watch mediocre male athletes pretending to be females, beating the hell out of actual female athletes, when the nation is full of dads of daughters who would have happily tagged in and beaten the third-rate male athletes like rented mules, if only the relevant authorities would have given them a wink and a nod? 

Was there any reason for the nation to stand by and watch as millions of illegals streamed across our border, picking up free cell phones and voter registration forms before fanning out across the country, after which crime rates and welfare spending skyrocketed? (UNEXPECTEDLY!)

There was not.  We volunteered to act weak and be victimized.   And now, post January 20th, we’ve volunteered to be strong, and commence with the legal and tactical arse-whippings. 

And suddenly TDA members are living like rats (with forcibly-shaved rat heads) in El Salvadoran cages, and Tesla-vandalizing incels are trembling in their mom’s basements as they await the cops’ arrival.  (Maybe you’re not as smart as Elon, kids, because he built cars with a dozen cameras in them, and you keyed and set fire to cars with a dozen cameras in them.)   

And illegals who proudly paraded six months ago with signs proclaiming, “Pay me to hate America!” and, “Cuyo calles?  Nuestras calles!” are now huddled in public-housing apartments from which they’ve displaced American veterans, ingesting the last of their fentanyl stash to try to chase away the nightmares of Hulk Homan™ busting through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man with a New York accent and a phalanx of ICE agents right behind him.           

And Hamas-sympathizers at Ivy League colleges who were recently stomping around in their terrorist tablecloth headgear attacking Jewish Americans are cowering in their dorm rooms trying to avoid authorities, like smelly Yahya Sinwar when he fled to that half-demolished building in Rafah, trying to hide from the IDF drone that moments later gave him the ol’ kosher KABOOM!

Speaking of America-hating terrorist sympathizers on campus, you may not have heard about the case of Iranian “legal scholar” Helyeh Doutaghi, who was fired by Yale a week ago, after being linked to the Palestinian Prisoner Solidarity Network (PPSN), which both the Biden administration and Canada had designated as a terrorist-linked group.

Doutaghi has a long history of spewing the usual Islamist anti-Semitic poison, describing as “Zionist barbarity” Israel’s non-genocidal and non-barbarous response to Hamas’ genocidal and barbarous attacks. 

In addition to the religious bigotry angle, she also has the hateful Marxist lingo down pat, blathering on about how Western democracy is “a system built to serve capitalist property…born in genocide and enslavement…and [intended to deny] freedom and sovereignty to the colonized.” She has also promised to “use everything at my disposal to fight the fascist dictatorship of the United States.”

She seems nice, doesn’t she?

This innocent little dove – she’s got a kind of an Islamic AOC vibe going on – was given a visa to allow her into first Canada and then the US, before she eventually got her teaching gig at Yale. In a March interview after Yale first tried to question her about her connection to the PPSN, she said, “I had been very loud and proud about my [organizing] work…in the anti-imperialist, anti-capitalist and the anti-colonialist movements,” and “[Yale] never raised any concerns” about her “activities.”

Because of course they didn’t.

Anyway, when Yale notified Doutaghi that she was suspended until they could investigate her possible terrorist ties, she refused to cooperate with the investigation, and then was fired. 

When her supporters heard about her suspension and then firing, many of them were especially outraged that this horrific injustice happened during the “holy month of Ramadan.”

To which most normal Americans replied, “Oh NO!  Not the holy month of Ramadan!  Anyway…”   

Because we’re done volunteering to be weak, and to appease the enemies of our country and our culture abroad, and to harbor them here at home. 

Hopefully Helyeh Doutaghi is going through our deportation process as we speak, if she isn’t gone already.

Because I think I speak for most Americans when I say, “Deport Helyeh?” 

Hell yeah!

And also…

Hamas delenda est!

Get Ready for Whiplash: It’s Hamas and Jake Tapper (posted 3/7/25)

Today I’ve got two topics: an update on Hamas, and Jake Tapper’s latest indignity.

Let’s save Jake for last, since we’ll need a light, buffoonish closer after discussing the child-murderers and mass rapists of Hamas.

Regular readers know that I often end my columns with “Hamas delenda est!” as a homage to the great Roman Cato the Elder’s ending to every speech he gave, “Carthago delenda est!”  Cato was reminding his fellow citizens that their enemy in Carthage must be destroyed, and I am reminding CO Nation that Hamas is sorely in need of warheads on their foreheads, as the saying goes.  

I haven’t written about Hamas as much lately, mostly because of the constant deluge of political stories stateside since Trump’s delenda-ing of both the Cadaver and the Cackler in November.

But Hamas is still around, and they still shouldn’t be, and I’m encouraged by Trump’s recent statements that they better release their hostages quick, fast and in a hurry, or else he’s going to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of Big Dreidel.  (You may remember them from “Disemboweling Pager Party, 2024!”)

I know that Israel’s leader is up for it – he puts the “Yahoo!” in Netanyahu – and I’m hoping that with Trump’s support, he hammers Hamas very soon.  Because they are among the worst people to ever walk the earth.

I thought they couldn’t be more bestial than they were on October 7th, but their recent “release” of the bodies of young mother Shiri Bibas and her two toddlers, Ariel and Kfir was possibly worse. 

They paraded the corpses through town in locked coffins with paperwork listing the date of their “arrest” as October 7th.  They set up a stage with huge photos of the dead and Netanyahu, circled by gouts of simulated blood.  After a ghoulish photo-op, they turned the coffins over to the Red Cross.

When the Israelis finally received and tried to unlock the coffins, they discovered that the keys Hamas had given them didn’t fit the locks. When they broke the locks open, they found the coffins stuffed with Hamas propaganda surrounding the bodies.  When they examined the children, they found that they had been beaten or strangled to death, rather than killed in an Israeli airstrike, as the lying jihadi scumbags had claimed.  And when they examined the mom, they found that it wasn’t her body.  It took another day or two for the evil pr*cks to return her remains.

Two other details:  According to video and reports, it wasn’t Hamas “fighters” who captured the Bibas family on October 7th, but “Palestinian” “civilians” who accompanied their cowardly co-religionists to torment the Jews and loot their property.    

And many hundreds – possibly thousands – of those “civilians” danced and sang and celebrated while the black-hearted parade of their victims’ broken bodies was going on.  In that context, what does it mean to call any of them either “innocent” or “civilians?” I know that their children are innocent, since they haven’t yet grown up into the psychopathic, anti-Semitic thugs their parents are raising them to be.

But in all wars, there is collateral damage.  And after Israel has sacrificed so much and lost so many in their heroic efforts to limit collateral damage in Gaza, I think the day is coming when they’ll have to take a page from the empire that once oppressed them, and “Go Roman” on Hamas.

Am I saying that if this kind of devil’s parade makes its way through streets filled with celebrating homicidal freaks carrying murdered Israeli children again, an Israeli pilot flying a borrowed A-10 Warthog should make a low pass down that street with that awesome Gatling gun and cannon blazing?

If I can quote a recently defeated candidate who is at this very moment guzzling box wine and wondering what went wrong – and I think that I can – I’m saying that we should have that conversation.

Whoo.  Glad I could get that off my chest. 

And now, for the silly little man the great Dennis Miller used to call Tap-Tap the Chiseler…

Jake Tapper is coming out with a tell-all book in May about the shameful media cover-up of Joe Biden’s obvious physical and mental frailty.

Did I say “tell-all?”  I meant, “tell-some.”  Because in his diligent spelunking for the truth – the book’s publicity touts interviews with over 200 insiders – he failed to land one key character at the heart of his tale.  The Deep Throat for this Watergate.  The White Whale for this epic quest. 

Okay, I’m getting carried away.  We all know that Tapper is not some significant figure like Moby Dick.  (Though Tapper could pull off one part of that name.) (And in case AOC is reading this, I don’t mean the “moby” part, Your Juiciness.)

#yourwordsnotmine

So the one Moriarity (I can’t help myself) at the center of the coverup that Tapper couldn’t interrogate was… wait for it… Jake Tapper!

Because of course Jake was an unindicted conspirator in the whole mess.  For years he faithfully delivered the ridiculous leftist talking points – Biden is sharp as a tack!  Videos of him looking feeble are deep fakes!  Who hasn’t fallen, and fallen, and fallen up a mobile airplane staircase? – like a yapping lapdog with no moral compass. 

My favorite of his idiotic self-own videos is when he condescendingly interviewed Lara Trump, accusing her of defaming Biden’s cognitive brilliance and barely letting her get a word in edgewise.  And he raised the lamest defense of all – Biden’s phantom stutter – to attack her.

When I first heard the Dems bring that up, I thought that they must be joking.  Because who’s ever heard of a childhood stutter that disappears for 60+ years, then comes back only when an old buzzard creakily shuffles toward death’s door?

But I said to myself, “Martin, you’re a witty and a ruggedly handsome elderly gentleman.  But that’s not important right now.  Because you’re also a fair man, and a working dog and not a show dog.  So you should do some research on stuttering before you dismiss the leftists’ laughable excuse-making as the utter hogwash that it obviously is.” 

So I did my homework, and I searched medical literature for everything I could find about NDSRO (Near-Death Stutter Re-Occurence). 

I looked for all of the common symptoms that Biden had displayed:  Compulsive Hair Sniffing; TOSS (Tripping over Sandbags Syndrome), SHWGS (Shaking Hands With Ghosts Syndrome), and even Emotional Dysregulation with Associated Intermittent CWS and SAHOS (Creepy Whisper Syndrome and Sudden Alarming Hollering Outburst Syndrome). 

And it turns out that none of those exist. UNEXPECTEDLY!

But that didn’t deter Jake the Snake, who followed video of Lara discussing Biden’s inability to speak a coherent sentence with the challenge, “How do you think it makes little kids with stutters feel when they hear you make a comment like that?”

Ugh. Is that not the perfect distillation of dishonest leftism?  A lie, a bad-faith accusation, and then “Won’t someone please think of the children?!”

When she stated the obvious – Biden doesn’t have a stutter, he’s in obvious cognitive decline – Jake wouldn’t have it, and started lambasting her because she has “no standing to diagnose his mental condition.” 

No she doesn’t, Moby.  But she does have something that she shares with the 300ish million in the American PWFE (People with Functioning Eyes) community: she can recognize a doddering old fool when she sees one! 

Just like you could, Jake.  But you took a huge paycheck to look the other way, stick your fingers in your ears and say, “Biden is perfect in every way,” for four long years.

And now, when everybody is free to admit the truth, you’re looking for another big paycheck for writing a book that ignores the complicit Donkey in the room, i.e. you!

Not since OJ Simpson (no relation, people! I can’t emphasize that enough) wrote “(If) I Did It” has a guilty man put out such a blatantly sleazy and hypocritical book.  Tapper’s title is “Original Sin: Biden’s Decline, Its Cover-up, and his Disastrous Choice to Run Again.” 

I would have respected him more if he had at least demonstrated as much integrity as OJ (!), and titled it, “(My) Original Sin…” 

Hamas delenda est!