jesus – Martin Simpson

Part 2 of 3 Columns on the Aftermath of Charlie Kirk’s Murder (posted 9/16/25)

Thank you all so much for your many thoughtful responses to my last several columns. I appreciate the cathartic release (and salutary effects on my blood pressure and mental outlook) of being able to write here, and get all of this angst out of my head and off of my chest!

That being said, this might be another rare 5-column week, because each time I sit down with my thoughts, I find my fingers flying over the keyboard like Stephen King on crack. (Only without the malevolent political derangement that talented but hate-benighted writer has been spewing lately.)

One other point before I get started. Though I have an appreciation for a sparingly used swear word in my writing, I try to keep that to a minimum. When I’m drafting something and the emotions are strong, I’ll write an unexpurgated version, and then go back and edit most of that stuff out. (I’m like a rapper, with a clean and dirty version of every song. Except that instead of writing awful, tuneless crap, I produce sparkling gems of English prose. Also, I never use the “n” word, even in a rough draft! Because: narwhal, please!)

But since I learned of Charlie’s murder, I am wearing out the “f” key on my computer! I’ve always liked Gutfeld’s bit, where he says a funny tongue-in-cheek sexist line, then instantly defuses it with a graphic that drops, accompanied by a bass voice saying, “A sexist would SAYYY!”

I need one of those for half of my first-draft thoughts: “An angry right-winger would SAYYY!”

Anyway, when I left off yesterday, I’d outlined the violent, hateful response from the Left to the death of their four primary martyrs in recent years, when three of the four of them were career criminals, and all of them were killed because of their own violent actions while committing new crimes.

Now compare the reaction of the right to the wicked murder of Charlie Kirk. For the last five days, there has been a gigantic, nation-wide emotional response. Only it hasn’t involved an orgy of violence, or night after night of rioting and looting and burning down whole city blocks. Nobody in any city has spent a single dollar on plywood to board up their windows.

We righties haven’t put on all black, and armed ourselves, and attacked the headquarters of the DNC, or the offices of CNN and MSNBC, or the offices or homes of Democrat politicians.

We haven’t painted slogans on our armor and public buildings saying “ALAB” (All Leftists Are B*stards), or “Kill the Commies!” We haven’t blocked interstates, or set cars on fire, or gone to hotbeds of leftism like Berkeley and broken into campus buildings. Many of us own guns, yet none of us have shot a single leftist.

Our response hasn’t been “mostly peaceful.” (Left-wing media speak for “horrifically violent, but in ways we approve.”)

It has been “actually, literally peaceful.” As in, “Pax Christi,” (the peace of Christ).

In churches and on campuses, in parks and at state houses, we met in our handfuls and hundreds and thousands, and we prayed, and sang hymns, and remembered a good man, cruelly taken by an evil one. In Madison Square Park, several hundred of us waved America flags, and sang Amazing Grace.

We held up signs and made memorials of candles and roses in London, and at the American embassy in Berlin, and in Sydney, Australia, and at the Reagan Library in California. Thousands of Koreans marched through the streets of Seoul, waving American and South Korean flags and chanting, “We are Charlie Kirk!”

In Scottsdale, where Charlie lived, and in Utah, where he died, we held prayer vigils, and said the rosary. Small remembrances popped up all over the country, from Maine to Florida to Oregon, in big cities and small towns.

And everywhere, there were crosses and American flags and pictures of Charlie and hand-written signs covered with Bible verses and quotes from Charlie and expressions of love and sorrow.

The political gulf is obvious. The left (not all of them, but many) riots, and burns, and steals, and destroys.

We pray, and mourn, and celebrate a life well-lived, and control our righteous anger, and successfully fight to keep it from spilling out, and taking an eye for an eye.

They have violence, and we have vigils. They burn the American flag, and we wave it, and fly it at half-mast. Take away the details of this particular assassination, and I still know which side I want to be on.

I haven’t had a chance to respond to your comments from yesterday (because I’ve been writing like a maniac), but I did want to agree with but also challenge Tari Trowbridge’s point, when she said that the left doesn’t have a corner on fringe radicals. I’ve said elsewhere that I don’t accept any Manichaean argument that we’re 100% pure and they’re 100% evil.

But I would push back a bit on the idea that the right “has its share of murderers,” if by “our share” anyone would suggest that it’s a roughly proportional, 50/50 breakdown. (And I don’t think Tari was suggesting that.) And I would also require more evidence from the MSM when they immediately label some killers as conservative or MAGA, simply because their targets were Democrats or leftists.

Tari mentioned the guy who killed the Dem pols in MN as a right-wing example, but as I said last week, I don’t think that example holds. Yes, that killer was a registered Republican, and yes, he murdered three Democrats. But he was nuts, and had been appointed to a committee by the Wolz administration, and specifically said that he was killing those people to help Democrats Klobuchar and Wolz.

Others have mentioned the guy who tried to kill PA Dem Josh Shapiro by setting his house on fire. And yes, though that guy had been a political independent until 2024, he did try to convince family members to vote for Trump last year.

On the other hand, he was diagnosed as bipolar and schizophrenic, with a long history of criminal behavior and mental illness, and he was off his meds. And investigators found that he had targeted Shapiro based on “perceived injustices toward the people of Palestine.”

Quick political quiz: a perp targets a Jewish politician because he sides with Hamas over Israel. Which side of the political divide do you think THAT would-be killer belongs to?

If you said anything other than “the Left,” you have been disqualified, and must depart the field with your head hanging in shame.

Having said that, I’ll still grant Tari’s general point, that there are bad actors on both sides. (All of us are fallen. The battleline between good and evil goes through every human heart.) I hadn’t thought about the mass murder by bomber Tim McVeigh, who was more libertarian/government-hating, but still clearly “on the right,” and I know that a few abortion doctors have been killed by right-wingers over the years.

But here are the salient points:

1. Most high-profile or mass killers are at least partially mentally ill, and to the extent that they evince any political ideas at all, it’s often hard to tell what portion of their motivations involved politics. (Son of Sam killed because his neighbor’s dog told him to. Some killers attack because they think Trump or Biden are sending them instructions through the fillings in their teeth.)

2. If we could analyze and classify every killing in which the primary motivations were political (with additional secondary or tertiary motivations that might involve mental illness, childhood trauma, etc.), I’m confident that among those primarily-political crimes, the Left ones would lopsidedly outnumber the Right ones.

3. And even in the context of mental-illness-driven murders, one of the most prominent of those motivating conditions in recent years involves trans/gender dysmorphia. Which the first four versions of the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) all classified as a mental disorder, and which the fifth and latest version – in an obvious attempt to trim its sails for political and not medical/psychiatric reasons – still classifies as a “mental health diagnosis” for which psychiatric/medical treatment is often indicated. And ALL of those attacks that I’m aware of have been committed by leftists.

That’s tragically true of Charlie’s killer: literally the last question he ever took involved transgender killers. It was asked by someone clearly implying that the number of trans killers had been exaggerated by the Right for political gain.

Annnnnddddd… then a hateful, leftist antifa fan who was banging his “trans” roommate murdered Charlie Kirk before he could answer.

So “F” you guys! F you hard, and F you long. And F the perverted little furry-cosplaying freak you rode in on.

(An angry right-winger would SAYYY!)

But the most important thing about the differences between these killers is that the leftist ones are using the same talking points and citing the same hateful complaints that are espoused by millions of mainstream Democrats, including those in positions of power.

Yes, some (maybe even many) elected Dems have condemned Charlie’s murder. As I said last week, I pray that for their souls’ sake, they are sincere. But it’s also true that NOT offering at least a rote “condolences” message would be an act of political suicide in all but the deepest of blue districts.

Even so, thousands and thousands (probably tens or hundreds of thousands!) of otherwise normal-seeming Dems and leftists in responsible positions have gone full-Satan or Satan-adjacent about this. School teachers, doctors, college profs and Deans, congresscreeps, “journalists” etc. have not been able to at least pretend to be human beings in the wake of Charlie’s murder.

Should I, as a Christian, revel in their firings and arrests? Probably not.

Should I be drinking celebratory shots of bourbon, and considering buying some champagne, to celebrate each new high-profile defenestration of a hateful goblin who’s crying over a cardboard box of his/her possessions on a Tiktok video after she/he/it has been fired? Definitely not.

Am I doing so anyway?

Abso-freakin’-LUTELY! (An angry right-winger would saayyy!)

Should I be taunting those freaks, thusly:

“You lost your job (not your life) because you couldn’t control yourself enough to refrain from vomiting the vicious hatred from your black little cinder of a heart onto public websites and social media.

Charlie lost his life (not just his job) because he tried to debate and reason with you.

So cry me a river, buttercup!”

Yes, I will someday regret the feelings that are roiling in my posts this week. And someday I’ll repent, and I’ll get back to trying to be better, and to love my enemies, and to try to forgive them even though they DO know what they do.

But to paraphrase the king from Lord of the Rings, when orc asses had to be kicked, “A day may come when the courage of conservatives fails, when we forsake our friends and forgive their murders. But it is not THIS day!”

Okay, maybe I got a little carried away, or the Knob Creek got the better of me.

Let’s see if I can do better tomorrow, when I try to find a few silver linings in this story, and look at a few representative lefties and see what we can learn from their reactions

Hamas (and trantifa) delenda est!

I’m Watching Events in the Middle East with a Big Bag of Popcorn (posted 6/20/25)

I am continuing to love the news about Israel out-smarting the weird beards in Iran!

I saw a RedState headline saying, “How Israel Lured Iran’s Top Generals to their Deaths,” and I immediately thought the same thing I’m assuming that you were all thinking:

Pay-per-view Goat Porn!

But no. They actually managed to send authentic-sounding phone calls to the top 20 generals telling them to come to a meeting at a specific bunker. Which was smart, because the ploy took advantage of the brutality of the Iranian regime.

In a functional military structure, generals getting that phone call might have double-checked by calling someone else in the chain of command to verify the message. But because the totalitarians running Iran rule by fear and cruelty, none of the generals dared to question the order.

A Mossad agent was surveilling the bunker, and counting the terrorists as they showed up, possibly using a counting song from childhood. (The version I heard was, “One little, two little, three little Warrens, four little, five little….”)

(#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Luckily, the agent managed to not fall asleep as he was counting them – because he was not counting sheep, but sheep-ravagers – and when they were all inside, he called HQ with a “go-ahead” message.

Which I fantasize was something coded, like, “The schmucks are in the mosque,” or “The putzes are ready for the mohel,” but was probably something more like, “The FA phase is complete; commence with the FO phase.”

One of the big shots who experienced ROMD (rapid-onset molecular disassembly) in that bunker was a general named Hossein Salami. (I’m guessing that spelling is wrong, but when you’re a juvenile mullah-mocker and God drops a name like “General Salami” on the deli counter, you grab it and run with it!)

When the bunker was hit a few minutes later – possibly by one of those Jewish space lasers the anti-Semitic conspiracy theorists are always yammering about – it made for one of the simplest games of Clue ever.

Because it was obviously the Jews, in the bunker, with the salami slicer.

Hilariously enough, Salami was talking like he was a foot long (if you know what I mean), in a press conference literally one day before he got smoked and diced, in this quote which I swear I am not making up: “Iran is fully ready for any scenario.”

Sooo…cue the sad trombone. Or in this case, the sad shofar.

Because there was obviously at least one scenario that Salami wasn’t fully ready for, and it involved Bibi putting the ballistic “club” into “club sandwich,” and not even bothering to ask Salami if he wanted his bun toasted.

(They said to me, “Sure, Martin, you came up with an impressive number of fish-related puns about LA Mayor Karen Bass in a column last week. But we bet you can’t create a half-dozen hilarious lunch meat references in your coverage of the Israeli attacks on Iranian nuke sites story.” And I said, “Hold my deli platter and watch this.”)

Hey, while we’re in the Middle East, two more fantastic stories happened that I haven’t had the opportunity to comment on…and I can’t miss that chance. The first one was when a clot of entitled, anti-Israel social justice warriors made a march to Gaza as part of an ambitious program called, “Virtue Signalers Without Borders.”

Because they assumed that the evil Jews would be mean to them and not let them through the Israeli border into Gaza, they chose to go through Egypt instead.

Annnnddddd…the Egyptians were mean to them, and wouldn’t let them through the border! HA! Every freaking detail of the story is delicious.

The marchers were wearing keffiyehs. (Because of course they were.) And I don’t have to tell you that a white, spoiled Jew-hater putting on a keffiyeh automatically increases his SFPI (Simpson Face Punchability Index) score by 20 points. (Duh!)

When their convoy was stopped by Egyptian officials when it was over 100 miles from the Rafah crossing, the arrogant boneheads went right down the Bingo card of all the behaviors that work great on an Ivy League campus run by far-left faculty zealots and castrati administrators.

Via the NY Post: they took part in a sit-in on the road, they “threw tantrums,” and some “broke down in tears.” They chanted, “Free, Free Palestine,” and waved several different countries’ flags. They also lectured the Egyptians about how they don’t hate Jews enough, and many of them started threatening to go on a hunger strike.

The Egyptians, on the other hand, used tactics very rarely seen on Ivy League campuses.

Egyptian police formed an unsmiling cordon of what looked like Pharoah’s bodyguards in tactical forces gear, and looked on as “Egyptian locals, some little more than children, pull[ed] the activists off the road” while others “could be seen hurling clubs and water bottles at the hapless protestors.”

I think I speak for all of us American Christians and conservatives when I say, “Allahu Akbar!”

There may be more entertainment to come, because according to an article in Spiked called, “The March of the Useful Idiots” (chef’s kiss for that one), “Predictably, the would-be white saviors reacted with indignity when the uppity brown locals violently resisted their ‘march.’ They then resorted to anger and vitriol as they chanted, ‘F**k Egypt.’”

Sounds about right.

Organizers posted on Instagram that, “There are now reports of force being used against participants, with some being detained, harassed, physically harmed and deported.”

To which there are three good responses:

1.UNEXPECTEDLY!

2. Oh no! Well anyway…

3. Is it possible for Trump to call out the Egyptian National Guard to big blue cities in America?

Speaking of “hapless” and “little more than children,” the second story was even funnier, because it involved Saint Greta Thunberg, the Doom Pixie who’s gotten bored with the existential danger posed by changing weather, and has now turned her bottomless, self-righteous scorn onto the people who control the weather: the Jews!

But the combination of the prescribed dose of medicinal bourbon I’ve taken and the amount of sack time I need before I start sanding and refinishing some wood floors tomorrow means that I’ll have to save that for Monday’s column.

Have a great weekend, and as always…

Hamas delenda est!

Transgender Fencers & Non-Violent Child Sacrifice (posted 4/16/25)

I’ll open today with the results from Monday’s “Moron of the Month” competition.

This one elicited a lot of great responses, including references to Joe Dirt and the Heatmeister, and many funny references to the shortcomings of all three contestants. And unlike last week’s nominations from the Eastern Division, when Lashes Crockett left the other nominees in the dust, this one was close.

Not counting the readers who said they couldn’t choose, or that it was a three-way tie, Elie “Fat Albert” Mystal took the dunce cap, with 18 votes, to corrupt Tania’s 13 and Griesa’s “Come and get me, I’m an enormous, unashamed, queer illegal!” 7-vote-winning strategy.

So Mystal advances from the Western division. I’ll hold off until toward the end of the month to choose the three nominees from both the Southern and Northern divisions, and then we’ll have a “Moron-off” among the Final Four.

Meanwhile, other boneheads have stepped forward to give me fodder for one of my traditional categories: “We Don’t Hate the Media Enough.”

The first example one comes from the story you probably heard about last week, in which a female fencer refused to compete against a male, and was disqualified for it.

The male, Redmond Sullivan –a violator of Simpson’s Rule of Life #146: Never trust someone with two last names – fenced last year as a male, and came in 29^th in his last competition. (I’m assuming that that was out of no more than 30 competitors, tops.) But when he switched to “female,” he won.

UNEXPECTEDLY!

Many media outlets called him a “transgender woman,” as well as “her” and “she.” Because of course they did. But the outlet that took the prize – I think it’s called “Sports Grail,” but that might just be the site that repeated this – used this headline: “Fencer disqualified after she refused to fence with someone she believed is transgender.”

Ugh. She doesn’t “believe” the dude to be “transgender.” She believes him to be a male. Because…wait for it… He’s. A. Male! You idiots!

(I would also have accepted the headline, “Fencer disqualified after she refused to fence with a male who wrongly claims to be transgender.”)

The next example comes to us from CBS. (UNEXPECTEDLY!) And it follows a pattern I saw many times in my teaching years.

Before they took my class, many of my students had been propagandized to believe that all indigenous peoples were noble proto-environmentalists, living in Edenic conditions of peace and love until the wicked Europeans invaded and colonized their lands, teaching them the evil ways of capitalism and the Judeo-Christian world view. So it was my job to teach them true things that they’d never heard of before.

Things like, “If we were to give the Black Hills back to the Indians who lived there before whitey showed up, should we give it to the Sioux, or to the tribe that the Sioux slaughtered and stole it from, or to the tribe from whom that tribe had stolen it, etc.?

And, “If the descendants of white southern Democrats who owned slaves should pay reparations, should the black Africans who captured those slaves in the interior of Africa and then took them to the coast and sold them to Arabs or Europeans also be forced to pay reparations? And speaking of the Arabs, how much should they pony up, since they took many more slaves than the Europeans did?”

Then I’d casually mention that Slavic people and the Welsh – who are both almost as white as Liz Warren (#wemustneverstopmockingher) – were actually some of the most enslaved people in olden times. The word “slave” comes from the word “slav,” and “Wales” and “Welsh” come from a Germanic root meaning “slave.” Anglo-Saxons in western England owned more slaves than those in eastern England, because the west was closer to Wales, where the welsh/slaves were conveniently nearby.

By that point, the more leftish among my students had either curled into a fetal ball and were crying, or else had turned into a toxic combination of Greta Thunberg and Cotton Mather, and stood pointing at me, and with blazing eyes, yelled, “How dare you? The white man lies!”

But enough about me, and my pedagogical fantastic-ness.

I was reminded of those classes when I saw CBS’ report on a recent discovery of an altar in Guatemala that dates back to Mayan times. The archaeologist who made the discovery reported that the bodies of three young children were found there, and concluded that the site had been used for child sacrifices.

Now CBS could have stopped right there. But then the network would be just “C.” But you can’t have CBS without the “BS.”

So they found an “expert” to parachute in and correct any impression that perhaps the altar builders might have had just a dusting of “bloodthirsty child murdering” along with all of their lovely, indigenous ways.

Enter Maria Belen Mendez – she has three accents over the vowels in her name, so you know that she’s super credible – who is identified as “an archaeologist who was not involved with the project” says that the nasty stuff at the altar was actually just a part of the native religion’s reverence for the sun and moon:

“[The child sacrifice] was a practice; it’s not that they were violent, it was their way of connecting with the celestial bodies.” (You hear similar claims about the Aztec festivals during which the mostly peaceful brown folks ripped the hearts out of their living victims, or beheaded them by the thousands, and then rolled the heads down the steps of their temples…. But only because they wanted to ensure a good harvest, you see.)

Ummm…. I’m no child-sacrifice-ologist, but I’m pretty sure that whatever else you might say about people who murdered toddlers on an altar, you can’t credibly say, “it’s not that they were violent…”

By the way, do you think these cultural apologists would EVER say, “It’s not that the torturers of the Spanish Inquisition were violent. They just REALLY wanted to find out who the heretics were.”

They would not.

And we don’t hate them enough.

Hamas delenda est!

Biden Makes 2 Unforced Errors – an Ill-Timed Cash Grab, and Getting Trans-y on Easter (posted 4/1/24)

I hope you all had a good Easter weekend, or Paraphilia Day, or whatever. I certainly hope that you had a better weekend than Joey Gaffes did, since his was marked by two major unforced errors.

The first one – going to a glitzy fund raiser at the same time as the memorial service for murdered NY cop Jonathan Diller – wasn’t initially his fault. The fundraiser had been previously scheduled, and it was bad timing.

On the other hand, one might note that maybe if Biden’s party hadn’t been pushing the kind of soft-on-crime policies that enabled Diller’s murderers to be out on the street instead of doing life in prison in the first place, Diller would still be alive, and Joey’s cash grab could have taken place without such ugly visuals.

Regardless, once Biden realized that his fundraiser was going to coincide with Diller’s service, and that Trump was going to attend (and be welcomed at) that service, a reasonably competent politician would have at least tried to avoid the disastrous optics. Maybe he could meet with Diller’s family privately to express condolences, or bump his fundraiser back a day?

If nothing else, he could have put out a press release saying that under these tragic circumstances, he wouldn’t be attending the fundraiser. It still would have brought in the big bucks, for two reasons: 1. Anybody contributing to the late Joe Biden at this point is ineducable, and would donate anyway. 2. Nobody was there to see Biden.

I mean, other than people who had laid bets in Vegas in the ongoing “when is Biden going to die” prop bet, and had their money on “during a creepy fundraiser on March 29^th.” (For the record, I’ve already lost my $100, because my over/under on that one was “halfway through the SOTU.”)

(And by then, he’d already been dead for several years, so I don’t know what I was thinking.)

Biden’s second unforced error was deciding to declare Easter Sunday as the “Day of Trans Visibility.” Man, that decision is all kinds of wrong!

As a Protestant, I used to tease my Catholic friends about how many saint’s days they had in their calendar. (“You weren’t in school yesterday. Don’t tell me: it was St. Horace’s Day, right? Wasn’t he the patron saint of cobblers? Or was it shoelace makers?”)

But in general, Christians only have two big holidays, plus a few associated minor ones (Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, a handful of church services during Lent). Altogether there are barely enough Christian holidays to fill up a week, and non-Christians are not expected to even notice – let alone approve of – more than the big two.

But LGBTQ zealots are going nuts, with something like 145 recognized “holidays,” not to mention three entire months devoted to pride, LGBT history and trans awareness.

And if the weirdest oddball in your office interrupts a staff meeting to ask what kind of events the company is planning to hold to commemorate “Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week” (February 19-25^th, so mark your calendars for next year), you can’t even do a spit-take with your coffee without being shunned as a bigot.

An anonymous commenter summed it up best: “40% of the year to recognize 1% of the population?”

Which points out the political idiocy of Biden’s Easter debacle. Yes, church attendance and the number of people who claim to be Christians has been on the decline. (At the same time, society seems to be mysteriously decaying on just about every moral and ethical issue in sight. UNEXPECTEDLY!) But people who are at least nominally Christian still make up a majority of the country.

On the other side, a very tiny number of deranged activists have been revealing themselves as raving Christophobes in ways that repulse normal people, whether Christians or not. Morons disrupt Easter services at St. Patrick’s in NYC, unfurling a banner and shouting nonsense. A Cadbury chocolate store in England advertises “gesture eggs.” (I’m not making that up.)

How does that political calculus work? “Let’s go out of our way to intentionally offend tens of millions of Christians, and in a rude, obnoxious way that will offend tens of millions more who don’t like offensive jackasses, just as a general rule. And by doing so, we’ll lock up the sought-after ‘blue-haired narcissistic malcontents’ vote!”

It really must be tough to be in a political party whose most zealous members are rabidly hostile to Judaism and Christianity. The smart tack would be to just acknowledge Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah, Christmas and Easter with a half-hearted, banal public statement (like the Biden WH did on Sunday), and then move on.

But the hard left can’t abide that. They’ve got to go out of their way to highlight their contempt. Like when the White House has an E***er egg roll, but feels compelled to warn kids that there better not be any “religious symbols” or “overtly religious themes” on their East** eggs.

Got it? We can’t “ban” gay porn from our middle school libraries, but you should expect an assault team from the DOJ to fast-rope down to your front lawn and arrest your parents if they try to sneak some “religious overtones” into a holiday that exists to celebrate the resurrection of Christ!

Bah!

Bah, I say!

By the way, no one has asked me my thoughts about transgenderism, and I have no special expertise on that topic. But the same could be said of every MSM talking head, national Democrat politician, and cast member on the View, and they’re always yammering on about it. So why shouldn’t I?

Especially since I’ve got what many have called a crystal brain (hat tip to Adam Carolla), and an uncanny ability to be right about stuff. So here goes:

I think that people who say they are trans fall into one of 4 groups:

1.People who truly have the mental illness of gender dysmorphia, which is similar to other conditions such as anorexia, in that in both cases, the sufferer believes the reality of his/her body to be different than it actually is.

2.Those – mostly adolescent females – caught up in a social contagion.

3.Men who have the sexual fetish of autogynophilia, which is being aroused by the thought of oneself as a female.

4.Creepy grifters who do so for personal gain: in the form of winning sporting events against women, getting prurient access to female bathrooms or showers, or getting into female prisons when they should be in male prisons, getting “misgendered” the old-fashioned way.

I really do feel empathy for those in the first two categories, and think our society should give them all the therapeutic and social support they need to get well, and successfully deal with their hardships. (But we obviously shouldn’t humor them, any more than you’d agree with some poor soul dying of anorexia, and tell her that she’s horribly fat!)

Those in category 3 should probably also get therapy – if they recognize their sickness and want to get well – or else swift opposition by police, and anyone else who learns of their predilection.

Those in category 4 need to be opposed, thwarted, shamed and punished.

Okay, this column is getting long, so I’ll make this another three-column week, and post a shorter one on Wednesday.

But I can’t leave without pointing out the evil criminal story that precipitated Biden’s first gaffe of the weekend. Because the two scumbags who murdered Jonathan Diller are veritable poster boys for the national Dems’ horrific pro-criminal legal stance.

The shooter was career criminal Guy Rivera (with 21 prior arrests), and his sociopath driver was Lindy Jones (14 prior arrests), who was illegally carrying two guns in the car with him. Diller’s partner managed to shoot Rivera, but he survived. Tragically.

The Dems vigorously opposed “three strikes” laws for repeat offenders, but you’d think that by this late date, even they could tolerate a “10 strikes” law, which would have prevented at least this horrendous crime.

For me, the creepiest detail in this whole, tragic story was that Rivera was found to have a shiv in his rectum when he was arrested. Which could only mean two things: 1. He’s more sexually twisted than Hunter Biden. Or 2. He knows how evil he is, and was thus planning to be sent back to prison at any minute, and wanted to go in armed.

That really gross fact has made me question my own – usually brilliant – plans to improve our country. Because coming in at #12 on my personal List of Executive Orders which I would sign immediately after becoming president is, “The first part of the punishment for any cop killer – before ‘execution after a 30-day appeals process’ – is to have a shiv stuck up his rectum.”

Now that I know that some of those freaks are already doing that to themselves – and (shudder) possibly enjoying it – I’ve got to amend my Executive Order List.

Thanks, Brandon!

Hamas delenda est!

Stupid Criminals, Lefty Atheists Tell Christians What Jesus Really Taught & Sunny Hostin Discovers She’s White, and Owes Reparations (posted 2/16/24)

There are a lot of stories to cover today, so let’s get started.

Right after Christmas 2022, Christopher Jason Hovis, 42, was arrested after he scared the hell out of a couple of children when he broke into their house in Decatur, Alabama and started stealing stuff. He was arrested shortly afterwards.

Even though he had a long criminal record, and even though this happened in Alabama, he was out of jail again by last week. I know what you’re thinking: the citizens of Alabama ought to demand better. They ought to insist that Hovis is put back in jail before he can commit another—

Oh no, wait. A homeowner took care of that particular problem last Saturday, when Hovis began kicking his way through a door of his house at 4:00 a.m. The homeowner got his pistol (because: Red State!) and called 911. Cops headed his way immediately.

But as the old saying goes, “When seconds count, the cops are only minutes away.” In this case, Hovis won the race between himself and the police, kicking his way into the house before officers arrived.

After he collected his prize — a traditional gunpowder greeting from the homeowner – a news story reports that Hovis celebrated his victory by “retreat[ing] outside, where he succumbed to his injuries.”

Yes! I can’t think of a better place for a would-be home invader to die than “outside.”

Since the story doesn’t mention another weapon, I’m assuming Hovis was unarmed, which would trigger many lefty crime-justifiers to caterwaul, “How could the homeowner shoot an unarmed man?!”

Clint Eastwood’s character in Unforgiven had the right answer, which I am paraphrasing: “He should have armed himself, if he was going to violently kick in the door of a gun-owner’s house.”

Roll tide!

If you watched the video I posted on Monday, you know that I cited CS Lewis in my thoughts about our current election cycle. But as much as I love his clear thinking about Christianity, I also really enjoy being lectured about my faith by non-Christian leftists who are 100% sure of what Jesus meant when he taught things that they imagine him teaching.

So I was in luck this week, when two theological giants shared their doctrinal wisdom with us all.

First up was Megan Rapinoe, the obnoxious, America-hating soccer player and professional malcontent. “Highlights” of her “career” include repeatedly dissing our national anthem, whining that female soccer players don’t get paid enough, and badly missing a penalty kick to kill the American team’s chances to advance in some meaningless tournament.

In her last game, while walking alone on the field – far away from whatever counts as “action” in a soccer game – she somehow managed to tear an Achilles tendon. Then, as soon as her career was over, she signed a letter opposing the “Protection of Girls and Women in Sports” Act, which would prevent men who pretend to be women from playing women’s sports.

Which tells you a lot about Rapinoe. She’s the special kind of jerk who would happily subject other female athletes to getting the crap kicked out of them by creepy male athletes, once she was safely retired.

After her injury, Rapinoe waxed theological: “If there was a God, this is proof that there isn’t, because this is f**ked up.”

Move over, St. Augustine and Thomas Aquinas, because mediocre Megan is rocking the exegesis!

Rapinoe appeared on a podcast this week and discussed how surprised she was by the blowback she received from Christians and non-Christians alike, most of whom thought that her hilarious injury seemed more like proof of God’s existence than the opposite.

She now says that “there is a special place in hell” for people who celebrated her karmic downfall. She also said, “Someone needs to check in on the Christians; they’re not okay. They also missed the whole joke.”

No, no, we got the joke. You’re an entitled little Christophobe who got wildly overpaid to play a boring game and spew hatred, and at the beginning of your last game ever, you blew out your Achilles while walking slowly in soft grass all alone.

That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard since Norm MacDonald passed away.

Not to be outdone by the sapphic Solomon, Rob Reiner was out pimping his upcoming “documentary” God and Country, which explains that politically active conservative Christians are actually voting in ways “completely antithetical to the teachings of Jesus.”

Because whenever I find myself thinking, “I wonder what Jesus would do in this situation?” I always like to consult a far-left celebrity like Rob Reiner.

And it turns out that the Gospel according to Rob teaches that we should abort babies until the moment of birth, enable addicted wretches to die in the streets and satanic doctors to castrate confused kids, and teach racial hatred and envy of people more successful than yourself. Also, Hamas isn’t so bad, and Death to America. Amen.

As we polite southerners like to say, “Bless your heart, Meathead.”

Speaking of meatheads, our vice president assures us that she is ready to serve, in the event that something happens (unexpectedly!) to Joe Biden.

As a rebuttal of Que Mala’s utterly unjustified self-confidence, check out the twitter video from Elsa Kurt, as she narrates Harris’ attempt to plug in an electric car at a photo op. (It’s several years old, but I just saw it for the first time.)

The VP stands beside the car holding the charging plug. An off-camera voice says, “Go ahead and plug in,” and she says, “Okay,” and then takes way too long to plug it in, as if she’s never used an appliance before.

Then she holds onto the plug for the rest of the multi-minute clip. She says, “There we go,” and the guy offscreen says, “And that’s it.”

And because I was wearing my conical wizard hat while watching and could read his thoughts, he spent the next agonizingly long minutes thinking, “Ok, you can let go now. Let go. Just ease your hand off. For the love of God, please don’t keep standing there and holding that thing!”

The actual dialogue, which I am not making up, goes like this:

Que Mala (QM): And there’s no sound, or fumes!

Off-camera Guy (OCG): There… there is nothing. And that’s all there is to it.

QM: And for all of us who are used to, to filling our tank, you usually can smell it and, and hear it, you can hear the guzzling.

Off-camera Guy’s Thoughts (OCGT): Guzzling? What? No. You can’t hear electricity!

QM (still holding the cord): How do I know it’s working? How would I know that?

OCGT: Not by the smell. Because electricity doesn’t have a smell. Unless it’s passing through the body of a condemned man sitting in an electric chair. Which is where I wish I was right now.

OCG (out loud): So typically, you’d use a card, and then (pointing at the bright green lights lit up on the charging station) this light would come on.

And this makes Kamala cackle like she always does when nothing is the least bit funny.

Good lord, how hard can this be? You’ve got a male plug and a female receptacle. You just plug the male into the fe—

Oh, wait a minute. I get it. Kamala is one of those leftists who can’t define what a woman is, and thinks that a man can become one. So… how can I put this delicately? A process that involves the meeting of male and female is not their strong suit.

But of all of the leftist elites, I would have thought that Que Mala would at least understand that process. Especially since it was her entry into politics, under the tutelage of Willie Brown.

Gotcha! I bet you didn’t know that THAT was what “tutelage” means, did you?

Wait a minute. As a professor, I tutored many, many college students. Could I have been doing it wrong, all of those years?

I mean, yes. YES! If Willie was doing it right, then I was definitely doing it wrong.

Luckily for me, since my Norwegian wife would rip me limb from limb (that’s in her viking DNA) if I had been “tutoring” college students the way Willie tutored Que Mala…

Finally, I can’t not mention the hilarious Sunny Hostin story from this last week.

The empty-headed race-baiter from the View has always prided herself for being half-black and half Puerto Rican, but when she appeared on a genealogy show last week, she found out that her ancestors were actually Spanish slave owners.

In fact, they’d only moved to Puerto Rico because slavery had started getting suppressed in Spain, so they took their slaves with them to the New World.

Now for you and me, that wouldn’t be devastating news. Because we’re not racist weirdos who think that we are responsible for the deeds of long-dead ancestors, either good or bad.

But Sunny is a dimwitted racial essentialist, and she’s argued that she and other “people of color” deserve reparations from the descendants of evil white slavers. So this was not good news.

She fidgeted and laughed very awkwardly, and stammered about how she never imagined she came from Spanish slaveholders! But she soon tried to philosophically distance herself from this horrible rebuke to her self-conception: “I guess it’s a fact of life… that this is how some people made their living… on the backs of others.”

Not “some people,” Sunny! YOU! You have been a privileged slaver, and now your shameful secret is out.

When Sunny got back to the View and talked about this awkward new knowledge, the irony was delicious. She talked about how painful it was to find out she was half white, and how her blonde and light-eyed mother and family members had always thought of themselves as “racially black and ethnically Hispanic,” for whatever that’s worth.

Spoiler alert: it’s not worth a lot.

Sunny tried to put the best face on things by trumpeting the fact that she’s 7% indigenous Puerto Rican. And the dullards in the View audience applauded. “Yay, non-whiteness! Hooray!”

And sure, 7% is a lot, when compared to the .00001% Cherokee in Grandma Squanto’s background. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

But we’re not buying it, Whitey! You’ve pushed this stupid, racist and tribalist binary of oppressors and oppressed for your whole life, and now it’s come back to bite you on the arse. The lily-white arse!

I almost developed a tiny bit of respect for Sunny though, when she stuck to her guns after this revelation, telling the View audience, “I still believe in reparations!”

For a moment I thought that she deserved a little credit, and wondered how she was going to figure out how much reparation money she owed to minorities, and how she was going to go about paying that.

But nope! Right after saying that she believes in reparations, she said, “So all of you can stop texting me saying that I’m a white girl, and don’t deserve reparations.”

So for all of you who have asked the eternal question, “How dumb is Sunny Hostin?” you now have your answer.

She’s so dumb that even though she now knows that she’s a multi-millionaire descendent of slave holders, she STILL thinks poor white people with no connection to slavery should pay HER reparations!

Hamas delenda est!