Tag: joe-biden

Post-Debate: Dems & MSM Should Pay a Price for Lying about the Shape Biden was in (posted 6/28/24)

Wow.  What does one say after last night?

Over the last several days, I’d written up a few ideas for today’s column, figuring that I’d include them alongside some debate reaction.  But now I think I’ll save them for a future column, because I’m sure that this debate is going to suck up all the oxygen in the room.

Oxygen which Joe Biden desperately needed during the debate, apparently.  Because that guy came out more cadaverous than usual, which is truly saying something!    

What happened to the drug cocktail his team has had him on in previous outings?  I figured he’d start out a little hot and a little punchy, and then his energy level would drop off precipitously after 30 minutes or so.

But apparently the chemists and necromancers at the DNC mixed up the prescription bottles backstage.  Instead of filling Joe’s pre-debate syringe with cocaine-infused Red Bull — advertising tagline: “It puts the high OCTane in Octagenarian!” – they gave him 3 ml of “medically induced coma.”

After the first two minutes, I already couldn’t believe my eyes.  His voice was weak and wavering right out of the gate, and he made one mistake after another.  He tried to hit Trump on Afghanistan (!), which is Biden’s first glaring scandal that sent his poll numbers into a tailspin from which they’ve never recovered.

He said he “beat Medicare,” claimed that there are “a thousand trillionaires in America,” talked about women raping their sisters, and muttered his way to the end of one sentence about the border, giving Trump his best one-liner of the night, “I really don’t know what he said at the end of that sentence.  I don’t think he knows what he said either.”

I can’t believe that Biden even went back to the old lie that Trump had called Nazis at Charlottesville “very fine people.”  Especially since left-wing “fact-checking” site Snopes just published a high-profile admission (a few days ago!) that Trump was NOT talking about Nazis or white supremacists.  Meaning that everybody who pays even passing attention to politics knows that Biden was lying.

He even lied about small and insignificant things (as is his wont), claiming that as Vice President he had a golf handicap of 6.  Trump had fun with that, and for good reason.

For comparison, I am several decades younger than Joe Biden, and have been hacking my way around golf courses on and off for many years.  I average around 3-4 pars per round, and can drive the ball reasonably well, though my short game feels like a punishment from an angry Old Testament God.

And not to brag, but I can make a nearly full turn on the ball, I can walk on a fairway without wearing clown shoes to keep me from face-planting, and I have never soiled myself on a fairway or a green.  (What happens in the rough, stays in the rough.) And I never go off into a fugue state in which I stare blankly into the distance until a friend has to lead me back to the clubhouse.

And I’m around a 16 handicap! 

The idea that in his early 70s, Joe Biden was a 6 handicap is less believable than that he whipped Corn Pop with a candlestick in the conservatory, then finished at the top of his law school class, before having high tea with Nelson Mandela at Selma.

Trump made the same point (“I’ve seen your swing.”), before saying, “Let’s not be children.”

When you’ve allowed Donald Trump to take the high ground as the adult in the room, you have lost the debate!

It got so bad that halfway through, Biden mouthpieces claimed that Biden had a cold!  Which is as desperate as it gets, since any real illness would have been disclosed before the debate, even if only to lower expectations.

I’m sure that announcement created a clear mental picture for savvy viewers.  When your own flaks watch the first ten minutes of your “performance” and then leap up and rush to the nearest computers and microphones, you don’t want to hear them say, “He’s got a cold!  And long covid, and short ebola, and mid-range pleurisy!  And possibly mesothelioma!  Plus the studio lights have triggered his light sensitivity, and also his peanut allergy, for some reason.”  

The spin afterwards was even worse, if that’s possible.

Most post-debate spin rooms produce rote propaganda as predictable as the sunrise over Liz Warren’s tribal hunting grounds (#neverstopmocking): “Our candidate knocked it out of the park, especially when he made point 1, 2 or 3, and our opponent made one mistake after another.”

Last night, for the first time in modern political history, the main topic coming out of the DEMOCRAT press was, “Should we force him off the ticket immediately, or wait until Monday?”

Holy cats!   

If this was a fight, they’d have stopped it in the middle of the first round.  If Biden was a racehorse, they would have dispatched him with a merciful rifle shot after he fell in the first turn and snapped all four fetlocks.   

As glad as I am that Biden’s collapse is finally too obvious for the MSM to hide, the problem now is that the debate happened early enough that the Dems will likely be able to push Joe aside and bring in someone else. 

In a column posted on March 8th, (you can find it now on Martinsimpsonwriting.com) I predicted this result, and never has my prognosticating brilliance been more of a burden!   If this debate was the dam-break moment, and all of the polls turn decisively against Biden, I’m assuming the Dems will shortly begin the fraught process of finding another leftist for the top of their ticket.

I hope that we’ll respond in a few ways:

1. We should enjoy the sweet schadenfreude of watching leftist hacks squirming, panicking, and firing within their own tent.  Dumping Joe leaves them with Que Mala, who is the only human in this hemisphere with worse numbers than his.  So they can’t move her up to the top spot.

But she’s the VP because of her race and gender, and dumping her too should produce some angry black female leftists – a potent combination if ever there was one!  And if the Dems try to keep her as VP but move some pale, empty haircut (I’m looking at you, Ken-Doll Newsom) in front of her, that won’t help. 

Pass me the popcorn.

2. We should immediately start beefing up our oppo research files on whoever the likely replacements are.  The best thing the Dems have going for them is that many people still dislike Trump and are looking for an alternative, and if that alternative is not well known, they might be able to squeak through in November.  

3.  We have to hammer the obvious fact that the problem wasn’t Biden, but the national Dems who have been lying about him.  Last night he was terrible, but it was only a difference of degree, and not of kind, from his performances over his entire presidency beginning when they had him campaign from a basement four years ago.

They’ve insisted since 2020 that he’s mentally sharp and healthy as a horse.  When his infirmity has become even more obvious in recent months, they’ve taken one dishonest line after another:

  • Behind closed doors he’s sharp as a tack.
  • He just passed his physical with flying colors.
  • Hur’s report finding that Biden is not competent to stand trial was a lying slur!
  • He wasn’t wandering off at the G-7; he’s just fascinated by parachutes.
  • Every fund-raising video he’s made for months has at least a dozen jump cuts to try to hide that they need that many takes to be assemble 30 seconds of usable footage.
  • Those videos that factually show him doing and saying things are actually “cheap fakes!”
  • As recently as last week, Dem spokes-weasels were insisting that Obama didn’t help him off-stage because he was “frozen” and confused at that fund raiser.

Those lies were always obvious to us, but the MSM tried their hardest to help the Dems hide the truth, as they hoped to whistle past the graveyard – and never has that metaphor been more apt! – and drag Joe’s carcass across the finish line – ditto – in November. 

Assuming that they sub him out, we should be ready with ads showing the voters that the problem wasn’t just Biden, or even primarily Biden, but the dishonest Dem hacks who have been perpetrating this “Weekend at Bernie’s” farce for four long years.

Just have an Eastwood-esque voice-over announcer say, “The Democrats have thrown Joe Biden under the bus, and are now saying that they’ve got a great new candidate for you.  They swear that s/he is fully capable of being the next president.

But that’s what they’ve been telling you about Joe Biden for the last four years.” 

Then play a montage of top Dems insisting that Joe is at the top of his game, interspersed with some of his “greatest hits” gaffe reel, ending with some of his worst flubs from the debate.

End with the Eastwood VO: “If they’ve been lying to you about Joe Biden, how can you trust what they’re saying about NEW CANDIDATE NAME now?”

Let’s enjoy their discomfort at being caught, but then pivot to make them pay over the next four months for their elder abuse and the Potemkin Presidency they’ve foisted on all of us! 

Hamas delenda est!

PWFEs Threaten Dem Electoral Success, & in Florida, Hostage Taking Doesn’t Pay (posted 6/21/24)

Before I get started, I want to thank readers for the kind comments on “my visit with mom” column on Monday.  I feel a little sheepish at the remarks on what a good son I am though, for two reasons.

First, we’re lucky that mom’s personality has not changed, as I’ve seen happen with some Alzheimer’s patients, whose demeanor deteriorates as the condition progresses.  But mom is still her adorable self, so I’d have to be a Hunter-Biden-level d-bag to not love her back and treat her well!

(Regular readers may remember a story that sums up mom, from after a small stroke she had last year.  She was still unsteady on her feet when she came home, so Rhonda told her that she was going to sleep in her bed with her the first night, in case she needed to get up in the middle of the night.  Mom was a little confused, but said, “Okay.”  Then, a minute later, she asked, “Did you have a bad dream?”

That’s our mom, crushing it at motherhood, whether at 25 or 85!)

Second, my sister and her husband live with mom, and have since they sold their house and mom sold hers shortly after dad died.  They bought a house together, and they’ve been with her full-time, so they deserve the real credit for helping her and caring for her.  To the extent that that can be a burden – and it is often one of the joys of life, too – they have come through.

So I feel lucky to be able to stay with her as often as I can, both to give them some time away and to spend precious time with mom.  But I also feel a bit like a divorced, non-custodial dad: I get to be the “fun one” who takes the kid to Disney (pre-grooming, pre-leftist Disney) and buys her presents and then leaves the day-to-day work to the custodial parent.

Still, I didn’t get a chance to respond to the comments on Monday’s column, and I do appreciate them.

And now, onto the usual shenanigans…

As in many past elections, the Democrats’ chief obstacle this November is going to be PWFE.  Which, of course, stands for “People With Functioning Eyes.”

It’s a time-honored tradition for the Dems to be selling some version of “believe what we tell you, and not your lying eyes.” 

Remember when Bill Clinton would be doing a campaign photo op at a BBQ restaurant, and he’d be proclaiming how much he loved CAW CAW and he didn’t have sex with “that woman,” but you’d notice that as he was talking, he was squeezing the butt of the nearest waitress?

Or when they told us that Obama was a post-racial Light-Bringer, but you noticed that he was a smirking narcissist who hated whitey? 

Or when they told you John Kerry had gravitas, and that Pelosi was a canny operator, and that Liz Warren was an Ojibwe Princess? 

But you noticed that Kerry was one of those tree-people from Lord of the Rings, and Nancy Pelosi was the mummified remains of Nancy Pelosi, and Liz Warren was as white as the lead singer of an Edgar Winter cover band performing a Pat Boone medley in a hockey arena in Stockholm? 

(#wemustneverstopmockingallofthem)

Those were your pesky functioning eyes, making trouble for the Dems.

But this year, the PWFE are a threat to the leftist narrative on more fronts than usual.   

This cycle, they’re telling you that crime is actually down, but you’re watching that report on CNN in your hospital room, because you can’t change the channel, because you’re in a full-body cast, because you forgot to run serpentine to your car in a parking lot, and were thus set upon by a bunch of criminals who beat you to within an inch of your life.

They’re telling you that inflation is under control and that Bidenomics is working, but you’re at a diner eating a breakfast that you had to take out a HELOC to pay for, and you’re looking at the prices at the gas station across the street and wondering if there is a skateboarding commute in your future.

They’re telling you that the border is secure, but as you channel surf, you keep seeing what you think is a panoramic scene of an endless column of weary Jews trudging out of Egypt in The Ten Commandments.  But then you look closer, and see that it’s Arizona, and there are zero Jews in the crowd.  In fact, many of them are demanding iPhones and debit cards in Spanish, and others are muttering about “death to the infidels.”

And the guys who jumped you in the parking lot were speaking every language BUT English, and one of them was wearing an “I [heart] MS-13!” t-shirt.

They’re even telling you that their plans to spend billions on wiping out homelessness are working wonderfully.  But you can’t help but notice that Go-pro video of the streets of every blue city looks like a cross between footage from Revenge of the Living Dead and a casting call for extras to play the close friends/meth-y hookers in an upcoming biopic about Hunter Biden.    

But perhaps the Dems’ biggest challenge with PWFE during this election year involves their candidate for president.  Whom, your functioning eyes are telling you, appears to be possibly dead.

Or at least dead-adjacent.

Lefty hacks have been trying to counter that accurate impression of Biden’s public deterioration.  Their first talking points were that whatever Joe looks like in public, behind closed doors the guy is sharp as a tack.  You should see him!  He speaks five languages, knows all the state capitals, the guy is aces!

But even sycophantic lefty late-night hosts ridiculed that idea, and they had to give it up.

So now the brain-trust at the DNC has come up with the most ridiculous gaslighting effort ever, focused around their newly coined phrase “cheap fakes,” which they use to describe video of Biden that evil Republicans have somehow manipulated to make him look bad.

Of course, the term is a variation on “deep fakes,” which are actually a thing.  It turns out that if some tech geek/evil sorcerer has a sample of someone’s voice and image, they can create a fraudulent video of that person appearing to do or say offensive things.  (I’m not sure how computers work.) 

I fully expect them to unleash such fake videos of Trump as an October surprise.  Sure, they will later turn out to be fakes, but not until after the election, when they hope it will be too late to undo the damage.  (Just like the bogus 34 “felony convictions” will certainly be overturned… after the election.)

But while deep fakes are real, and troubling, “cheap fakes” don’t exist.  And pretending that they do is incredible stupid, even for a party with AOC in it. 

They tried to suggest that the GOP has edited or cut video of Biden to give the false impression that he’s a doddering old man.  But everyone has copies of entire videos, and they immediately played them – unedited – in what turned out to be full-color, panoramic, high-def Doddervision™.   

By now, the Dem talking heads can’t even offer a rationale for what they’re saying.  The sapphic Kewpie-doll spokesperson just shakes her curls and waves her arms and repeats, “Those videos don’t show what the bad-faith GOP says they show.”

Disturbing cartoon character James Carville grimaces and sneers and says, “Come ahwne son, yuh can’t bleeve them rotten Reepublic-uns and their lahs about Joe Biden! He’s fit as a fiddle, and they-uh goin’ round sayin’ he old and feeble?  That dog won’t hunt! They just a bunch of lah-ers, thas whut they are.  Joe Biden cud go f’teen rounds with Mike Tyson any day and twice on Sundy, ah’ll tell you whut!  These ain’t the droids you lookin’ fur!”

And then you watch the video, and notice that Biden has the stiff gait (and giant shoes) of Frankenstein’s monster, and the vacant stare of Frankenstein’s monster, and the youthful vigor of Imhotep Pelosi.

And the verbal dexterity of Frankenstein’s monster.

It’s desperate, and it’s not going to work.  Because of PWFE.

Let me end on a more positive note, with a story from my regular category called “Celebration of Excellence.”

This one happened in Florida in February, and you can find it on the great website of the ex-cop who calls himself Donut Operator.  It’s the story of a recidivist criminal in Fort Myers – his mugshot looks like the rare combination of aggressive-looking and pot smoker – who decided to rob a bank in what Donut rightly calls “the least f**king around state in the country.”

This guy’s bank caper doesn’t go well – unexpectedly! – and he ends up facing a dozen cops in flak vests.  He’s got a knife and is holding two hostages, and pulls them very close, and stands between them.

While one cop talks to the Biden-voting (I’m guessing) perp and tries to get him to give up, a sniper uses a fellow cop as a tripod to balance his gun on, just in case.  (Belt and suspenders, people.)  Unfortunately, the criminal is wedged between the hostages, and there’s a computer monitor in the sniper’s line of fire.

But a computer monitor, for that sniper, is just like the truth for a leftist. 

Irrelevant.   

So when the bad guy puts the knife against his female hostage’s throat, the sniper puts a round through the computer monitor.  And then, microseconds later, through the bad guy’s forehead, just above and between his eyes. 

Annnndddd… down goes bad guy!  Down goes bad guy!

Weirdly, the computer still had a functioning blue screen… with a neat bullet hole in the middle of it. 

Florida gave the sniper an award for that shot – see the “least-f**king-around state” comment above – and the hostages were unharmed.

Still, the bank robber did lose his life.  So we should all probably say a prayer…

for the computer monitor.

Hamas delenda est!

Hunter Convicted, Brihana Joy Gray Fired, Pro-Hamas Protestors are Inexplicably NOT Arrested at the White House (posted 6/12/24)

My posting today is a little later than usual because I’ve made the trek back up to Tennessee to spend a week with my mom, while my sister and her hubby take a vacation.  I was unable to bring my better half along, but Cassie the Wonder Dog is with me, and we’re going to savor the extra time with mom before she turns 86 next month.

She’s still hanging in there, and though the Alzheimers continues to take its slow toll, she’s still the world-class mom who raised my sister and I, and I’m going to make some more good memories with her this week, even if only one of us remembers them!

Speaking of slow erosion, how about the state of our nation, five months before the election?  

Everywhere I look there is more evidence that we don’t hate the media enough.

Exhibit A is Hunter’s conviction, which answered an intriguing rhetorical question: If you’re a Biden, exactly how guilty do you have to be in order for a Delaware jury to find you guilty?  The answer is breathtakingly, obviously guilty.

But you may have noticed that the MSM were immediately ready with a take on Hunter’s verdict that was so wrong that if the Olympics introduced a new triathlon combining point missing, false equivalence and mendacity, it would have easily won gold.

They painted Hunter as a victim, trivialized his gun charges while ignoring the even more serious, daddy-implicating crimes for which he wasn’t charged, and claimed that his conviction somehow proved that Trump is wrong to say that his own conviction was illegitimate.

Taking the last point first, the gulf between the two cases isn’t just apples and oranges, it’s artificial apples and real felonies.

If Trump’s disputed bookkeeping entries had been crimes (which they weren’t) they would have been misdemeanors, and the statute of limitations would have run out on them years ago.  But a corrupt DA and a corrupt judge used a tainted jury pool and even more tainted witnesses to magically create a raft of felonies out of air even thinner than Obama’s skin.

Conversely, Hunter flagrantly broke several gun laws.  And oddly enough, the same Dems who for 50 years have been screaming for tougher gun laws and enforcement now think we should let drug abusing gun nuts off with a slap on the wrist.  If they happen to be Bidens.

Even more oddly, the same establishment media who helped rig the last election by insisting that Hunter’s laptop was a Russian fake managed to ignore the biggest bombshell of the short trial: the FBI’s admission that it was Hunter’s all along.  

Exhibit B:  Ode to Joy

Last week the racist and antisemitic “journalist” Brihana Joy Gray finally got fired by leftist outfit The Hill, and like a thousand flowers in spring, the schadenfreude bloomed.  You probably don’t know who she is, because why would you? 

She’s the kind of charmer who spouts Hamas talking points and anti-American and anti-Semitic tropes (America is irredeemably racist, 9/11 happened partly because the US is too close to Israel, etc.).  So if you did know her, you’d think that since she’s an obnoxious, black female leftist, she must be un-fireable, right?

So did she.  In November of 2020 she tweeted, “Some people are so obviously mad that I can’t be fired.”

Then on 6/6/24… wait for it… she tweeted, “It finally happened. @thehill fired me.”

Immediately, the countdown to her trashing her ex-employer and playing the brave martyr card began.  3… 2… 1…  “There should be no doubt that The Hill, like every other corporate news media in America, suppresses speech.”

THERE it is!  Some meme-ster immediately dropped the hammer on her, posting a screen shot from a local news report.  At the top of the screen the words, “Quote From Man Stabbed.”  Below that, in quotation marks, “What are you gonna do, stab me?” 

The straw that broke the Jew-hater’s back came last week, when she was interviewing the sister of a young woman kidnapped and still being held by Hamas.  Gray kept trying to turn the interview toward criticizing the IDF and Netanyahu and Israel, while the woman kept turning the focus back to her poor sister.

As she made an impassioned plea for Gray to believe the Jewish women who have been abused by Hamas, Gray rolled her eyes and sighed with disgust, then cut her off abruptly.  “All right, thanks for joining.”

Stay classy, BJG! 

By the way, what is it with women named “Joy” being the most joyless humans on earth?  From Joy Behar to Joy Reid to Brihana Joy Gray, there is no joy amongst the Joys. 

Speaking of antisemitic freaks, did you see the pro-Hamas bigots launching an insurrection at the White House?  I remember when coup attempts like that would send hundreds of peaceful grandparents to jail pending trial for years at a time.  But apparently wearing a terrorist tablecloth on your head – you say Yasser, I say No Sir! – grants you immunity from treason charges.

The latest outrage took place on June 8th, when mobs of pro-terror loons surrounded the White House, threw smoke bombs and chanted hateful, non-rhyming chants.   Julio Rosas also reported from the scene that the protesters “formed a mob and chased U.S. Park Police and Secret Service out of Lafayette Square after officers apparently tried to arrest someone.” He noted that law enforcement was forced out of the park and retreated to “the boundaries of the protest.”

Which begs an obvious question: Are we all out of rubber bullets, belt-fed weapons and robot flamethrower dogs? 

Because I’ll bet those would work in this case, and I for one would pay handsomely to watch the Pay-Per-View of lightly toasted anti-semites fleeing for their lives, before being knocked to the ground, hit with fire extinguishers, and then cuffed and stuffed into windowless vans to take them to prison.

Also, one of the most prominent banners carried by the cowardly, masked Nazi-emulators featured a quote from “Al Qassam” (which means “Hamas” in terrorist),” Jihad of Victory or Martyrdom.” 

If that’s our choice, let’s go with Door #2. 

Hamas delenda est!

I See Dumb People Everywhere, Including Judges and WH Officials (posted 4/8/24)

Once again I’ve got an embarrassment of riches in terms of stories about people who are too shameless or stupid – or both (a condition which I call “the Schumer gambit”) – to be embarrassed when they should be.  

Let’s start where we almost always could: in New York.  Where District Court Judge Nicholas Garaufis (yes, his name can form two anagrams that somehow feel appropriate: “causal hiring oafs” and “fracas liaison ugh.”) is a notorious leftist in robes. 

Among his more prominent rulings were throwing out a non-racist firefighter exam because too many blacks and Hispanics failed it, and finding that DACA – a policy unilaterally created by hulking tough guy Janet Napolitano and later declared illegal by federal courts – is fine and dandy.

When I saw a headline about Garaufis saying, “Judge says FDNY firefighters booing Letitia James reveals systemic problem,” I was momentarily taken aback.  Could it be?  Could even a jerk like the oaf hirer admit that Letitia James’ biased and unprofessional performance as DA – which is more than deserving of lusty booing, if not thrown vegetables and a vigorous application of both tar and feathers – is evidence of a systemic problem?

Alas, no.  The systemic problem that Garaufis sees is that the firefighters booed a horrible boss that deserved to be booed… because…wait for it… racism! Of course.

We are facing a really serious dilemma in this country: what are we to do when a pathetically incompetent, biased, mean-spirited jackass gets into a powerful position and behaves terribly… and happens to be black?

Are we not allowed to point out that Kim Foxx has been a disaster in Chicago, or that Fani Willis and Nathan Wade are the most self-destructive couple since Thelma and Louise went off that cliff in the convertible?   Or that former Harvard president Claudine Gay is a plagiarizing, anti-Semitic mediocrity.  Or that Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Reid are racist nut jobs?

I mean, we can openly say that all red-heads are mortified that Jen “circle back” Psaki is one of them, and that all women with allegedly juicy booties are embarrassed to be associated in any way with AOC, and that Indian tribes from coast to coast are proud that Liz Warren is NOT one of them (#wemustneverstopmockingher)? 

But we can’t point out that Ketanji Brown Jackson doesn’t know what either a woman or the first amendment is? 

C’mon, man!  That’s a bunch of malarkey.  Not a joke.  Anyway…

But what can we expect of corrupt and dimwitted DAs and judges, when the best and brightest around the White House come up with the ideas reported last week in a Breitbart story titled, “Dem Strategists Gripe WH Not Pushing Back on Biden Frailty Concerns.” 

The story – which I cannot stress enough that I am not making up – featured various Dem apparatchiks expressing ire that Biden’s handlers aren’t doing enough to “counter the narrative” that Biden is too frail to be president for four more years.

Um, guys?  He’s too frail to be president for the LAST four years!

Brad Bannon says that Biden’s minions should do “everything they can” to dispute what everyone with functioning eyes sees every day.  An unnamed weasel agrees.  “If you have a president who is being portrayed as old and frail, why wouldn’t you punch back and show him active?”

Is that a serious rhetorical question?  He’s not “being portrayed” as old and frail – he IS super old and frighteningly frail!  And there aren’t enough CGI effects in all of Hollywood to “show him active.” 

The anonymous dope went on, and again, I swear I am not making this quote up: “Don’t just show a hyped-up Biden during the SOTU.  Show how active he is every f—ing day of the week.”

He wasn’t “hyped up” during the SOTU; he was doped up, you moron.  And do you remember how he laid face-down on the stage after he fell over a sandbag, and before a secret service guy picked him up?  THAT IS how active he is every f—king day of the week!

But the article got even worse.  Bannon suggested that the campaign should show Biden “lifting weights” and “on the treadmill.”  (Did I mention that I am not making this up?)

The guy couldn’t lift a paper clip at this point, let alone a weight.   And seriously.  You think his people should film him walking on a treadmill, a device which is slightly inclined, and moving!

Have you seen him try to walk across a perfectly level lawn, which is lying there perfectly still?  They’ve got him wearing those ridiculous waffle-soled shoes that are as big as a tennis-racket-style snowshoe, and he still manages to look like a Wallenda trying to make it across a thin tightrope stretched over the yawning mouth of an active volcano! 

My favorite quote is from a fitness expert “who has studied fitness through a social justice context.”  (Good lord! I’m not even going to ask what that means.)  This genius finds it “curious” that Biden has not shared more about his “exercise regimen” and his “workout routine.”

Words fail me.  Anybody who has watched Biden for five minutes knows that the only cardio he gets is when they put those paddles on him and shock his heart into re-starting, three to five times each week. 

One professor they quote manages to almost, just barely, tangentially get a glimpse of reality.  “It does occur to me that… [the Biden team] must take care not to produce a Dukakis-like image that people will poke fun at.”

Really?  That thought occurred to you, did it? 

You mean an image like Biden taking one step onto a moving treadmill and immediately being fired backwards into a wall, whereupon he’d explode in a crackling of dry bones and dust, with a fluttering cloud of hairplugs settling slowly onto the dessicated remains of his beef-jerky-looking carcass?   

After that story, this next one – the latest in my well-received “Stupid Criminals” series, doesn’t really seem that stupid.  Which tells you a lot about the quality of both our presidential advisers and our criminals.  (And that’s a Venn diagram that has more than a little overlap.)

Anyway, Jonathan Gagen (31) – proud owner of two pending aggravated battery charges – went to a stranger’s home in southern Illinois and tried to break in.  The homeowner met Gagen at the door, showing the criminal his gun and making “numerous requests for Gagen to leave.”

But Gagen – rumors that he “has studied B&E through a social justice context” have not yet been confirmed – ignored commands not to enter.  Instead, he told the homeowner that he would “have to shoot me,” and then opened the storm door.

Whereupon the homeowner shot him.

Unexpectedly!

Medical help arrived in time to confirm that Gagen had shuffled off this mortal coil. 

Rumors that his last words were, “Ouch! In retrospect, telling that guy with the gun that he was gonna have to shoot me wasn’t a good decision.  But at least it wasn’t as stupid as saying that Biden’s staff should try to set up a photo op with him on a treadmill,” have not been confirmed.

Okay, I’ll have another mid-week column on Wednesday, because a whiny kid got expelled from Vandy in the most hilarious way possible, and that’s too good to not celebrate.

In the meantime…

Hamas delenda est!

Dems Create a Bloodbath, a Racist Movie Bombs, Planet Fitness Implodes, & Tim Tebow Rules (posted 3/22/24)

We’ve got a full line-up of stories, so let’s start with a new category, with a hat tip to Red State for the title:

You Don’t Hate the Media Enough

One of the most despicable traits of our mainstream media is the bad faith way that they take a quote wildly out of context, and then pull their dresses over their heads and launch into a performance art piece of faux outrage. 

One example would be when Sarah Palin referred to “targeting” vulnerable Democrat candidates for House and Senate seats, and the MSM pretended to believe that she was soliciting hitmen to kill Dem candidates, or something.  

Maybe the most famous example was when Trump joked in a 2016 speech that maybe the Russians could find and turn over Hillary’s lost emails.  It is still hard to believe that the Democrats were mendacious enough to pretend that he was collaborating with the Russians, and to use that obviously humorous quip as the basis for a presidential impeachment!

They were at it again this week, this time pretending that when Trump used the word “bloodbath,” he wasn’t discussing dire financial ramifications of allowing the Chicoms to attack our car market.  Even though the quote came from the middle of a speech about… wait for it… the dire financial ramifications of allowing the Chicoms to attack our car market.

No, the Dems cried havoc, and let slip the whores of war. 

Wait, that’s not right.  I meant the dogs of war.  Or was it the dog-faced pony soldiers of the presstitues of the MSM?

Anyway, everyone from Imhotep Pelosi (Aiiii! The mummy walks among us!) to every Dem pol and media talking head in sight started ranting about how Trump was calling for a genocide, or something.

Of course multiple conservative web sites immediately cited Merriam Webster’s definition of “bloodbath,” one meaning of which is “a major economic disaster.”

(Like, for example, the dire ramifications of allowing Chicoms to attack our car market.)

And they also quickly produced a series of news clips featuring dozens of Democrats and MSM “journalists” (but I repeat myself) using the word in exactly the same way Trump did.

Ugh!  As this category suggests, whenever we think we might really hate the lying media, we must remember that we STILL don’t hate them enough.

But I’m not a hater.

A mocker and a sarcastic critic, sure.  Guilty as charged.  But I’m no hater.

Therefore, I’m going to give our leftist opposition a fantastic tip to make their “journalism” less pathetic:  If you’re going to insist that the word “bloodbath” be taken literally – which is incredibly stupid, but hey, you do you – then it must be used only when there is literally blood involved. 

Here are a couple of examples:

“Democrats defund police; bloodbaths ensue in major blue cities.”

“Democrats open our borders to hordes of foreign criminals; bloodbaths ensue.”

“Taxpayer money is used to fund Planned Parenthood abortuaries all over the country; it’s a bloodbath every day!”

You’re welcome, Democrats.  Now please re-think your life choices.

Today in Schadenfreude Corner, I’ve got a quick bit of movie news.

If you’re not a low-down whitey-hating racist – and I know that you aren’t – you probably missed the promotional push leading up to the opening last Friday of the movie, “The American Society of Magical Negroes.”

And your mental health is better for it.  Unfortunately for me, part of my heroic role here at Cautious Optimism is to subject myself to various political assaults on the American project so that you don’t have to. 

I won’t lie though: I did not watch this movie.  But I did read two reviews, and then I watched the trailer. (On an unrelated note, if there are any opthalmologists in CO Nation, can you tell me how long the burning and blurred vision that comes after splashing bleach in one’s eyes usually lasts?  Asking for a friend.)

The premise is that white people are so maliciously racist that they are a constant threat to innocent black people, requiring blacks to condescend to their white fragility.  The mentor to the protagonist sets the table in the first minute of the trailer, when he asks his protégé, “What’s the most dangerous animal on the planet?”

Just as the kid starts to answer, “Sharks,” the mentor interrupts him with, “White people…when they feel uncomfortable.”

Get it?  It’s not a racist screed played ironically as a horror film, or an acerbic social critique. 

It’s a comedy!

(I’m reminded of an old Gilbert Gottfried routine in which he imagined the pitch meeting to persuade tv executives to greenlight “Hogan’s Heroes”: “It’s about a bunch of allied prisoners in a concentration camp during the holocaust.  And it’s a comedy!”)

So this insulting mess of a film opened in 1,146 theaters nationwide on March 15th… annnddd… it bombed!  It brought in a pathetic $1.3 million on its opening weekend, and that total included a huge drop from its first day to its second.    

Even more shockingly, it only got 31% from critics on Rotten Tomatoes, even though the critics famously give virtue-signaling extra points for woke themes in movies.  Any film focusing on a transgender handi-capable person of color fighting the patriarchal forces of white, straight America is usually spotted 60% right off the bat (10 points for each of those checked boxes). 

So for even lefty critics to only give this mess 31% speaks to what a horrible abomination it is.  (For comparison, the critics gave Rob “Meathead” Reiner’s Christophobic “documentary” “God and Country” 88%!)    

To put it another way, if you added the earnings from the Meathead movie and this racist trash together, you wouldn’t even have enough cash to hire renowned Ukrainian energy expert Hunter Biden to lobby his dear departed daddy for one single month!  

Speaking of financially disastrous decision-making, I’ve got a new entry in the “Unexpectedly” category:

The Planet Fitness chain of gyms recently started coercing their employees and customers to cater to the desires of sexually confused “transgender” people. 

The business produced an operational manual that required employees to use “names, titles and pronouns” of strange sexual narcissists, and threatened to fire them if they wouldn’t do so. 

The manual also acknowledged that some customers might “feel uncomfortable” with people of the opposite sex sharing showers and bathrooms with them, but insisted that, “This discomfort is not a reason to deny access to a transgender member.” 

And just to demonstrate the company’s Orwellian bona fides, the manual said that this deranged coercion was meant “to foster a climate of understanding consistent with the Judgement Free character of Planet Fitness.”

Got that?  “Judgment Free.” 

But if a normal woman and her teenage daughter undress and head for the showers after a workout, and they notice some naked dude with heavy mascara and a beehive hairdo sitting in the locker room staring at them while he’s trying to make balloon animals with his phallus? 

If they object, you know that the “understanding” commissars at Planet Fitness are going to judge the hell out of them for being transphobic bigots!

Anyway, late last week the Planet Fitness manual hit social media.

Annnndddd… their stock price plummeted 8% immediately, shaving $400 million off the company’s value.

UNEXPECTEDLY!  (Also: more please.)

In Stupid Criminal news, I’ll take you to the big open space where our southern border used to be for the story of a guy who might be the dumbest criminal I’ve ever written about.  (And I’ve written about the Biden crime family!)

This charmer is a 22-year old Lebanese named Basel Bassel Ebbadi.  (He’s the terrorist so nice, they named him twice!) He was caught by the US Border Patrol in Texas on March 9th. 

And even though I’m wary of disclosing sensitive tactics involving our national security, I’m going to disclose one clever forensic technique our border agents used to trip up ol’ double-Basel:  They asked him – and this is a quote – “What are you doing in the US?”

And he said, “I’m going to try to make a bomb.”

(Rumors that he then slapped his forehead, said “D’oh!  I mean, I’m here to seek political asylum,” have not been confirmed.)

Further fiendishly ingenious questioning tricked Basel-squared into admitting that he had “trained with Hezbollah for seven years… and guarded weapons locations for another four years.”  And also that he planned to set off his bomb in New York City. 

So a Hezbollah terrorist came through our porous border with plans to blow up part of New York, and the only reason he was caught was that he was dumb enough to confess when he was asked one question.  (This guy is so dumb that he’s been called “the AOC of Jihadis.”) (By me, just now.)

And ABC and CBS did not even mention this story on their flagship morning and evening news shows on Sunday and Monday, while NBC did give it 45 seconds on Monday night.  (Remember: we don’t hate them enough!)

Let’s end with a new and inspiring example of the Celebration of Excellence.

Thirty-seven years ago, a married missionary couple serving in the Philippines were pregnant with their fifth child when the mother suffered a life-threatening infection that required strong drugs which threatened her pregnancy. Doctors advised her to abort the baby because he likely had birth defects because of her severe illness, but she chose to have the child.

That baby was Tim Tebow, who would grow up to become the greatest college football quarterback ever, in my unbiased opinion (Go Gators!), winning two national championships and a Heisman trophy. 

But as good of a player as he was (did I mention he went 4-0 against FSU?), he’s a better man.  He’s been a fine example of Christian faith, raising money for various charities, including the pediatric cancer center at our home-town hospital where my daughter got her first nursing job.

(“Hey Martin,” you might be asking, “was she nominated last week for a state-wide nursing award in Colorado?”  Yes she was, in fact.  Thanks for asking.)  

Ten years ago Tebow started a foundation that puts on an annual “Night to Shine,” a coordinated

series of world-wide “proms” for kids with Down Syndrome and a variety of other disabilities.  (Watch a few of their videos online if you don’t mind getting choked up.)

In the cynical and debased world we live in, it’s hard for me to watch even Tebow without wondering in the back of my mind whether he’s too good to be true and authentic.  But I was glad to see him speak in front of our congress earlier this month (I know: talk about “pearls before swine!”) in support of a bill to fund rescue teams to identify and rescue child sexual abuse victims.

I know that the government can screw up everything it touches, but this is a truly good cause, and I’m going to look into this bill, and I hope that it does what its sponsors want it to.

And I’m glad that his parents brought Tim Tebow into this world.             

Hamas delenda est!

More SOTU Thoughts, Rare Good News out of Cali, & RuPaul Gets Schooled in Virtue Signaling (posted 3/11/24)

This might have to be a three-column week for me, because the pace of odd political stories is increasing.  So here goes.

Because I have a weak stomach, I limited my live exposure to Biden’s State of the Union speech, but I’ve read some more excerpts and coverage, and have a few more thoughts. 

To start, I don’t know why any Supreme Court justices still come to the SOTU.  Only six of the nine showed up this time, but that’s still six too many.   There may have been a reason for the highest court to be on hand for the SOTU back in the day, but ever since Obama lied about a recent ruling and insulted them to their faces in 2010, they should have all stopped attending.

When Biden brought up abortion, he addressed them directly, and – unexpectedly! – both angrily and incomprehensibly.  This is a transcript, which I only wish I were making up: “With all due respect, justices, women are not without electric–…electoral power, excuse me, without electoral or political power.  You’re about to realize zzhh ow mush (which I think was supposed to be “just how much”)…

I put the ellipses in at the end because it seems like Biden stopped there, and that’s not a grammatical end to a sentence.

I actually do like prefacing a statement with “with all due respect,” because what follows is inevitably never respectful.  Which makes the point pretty artfully: I’m going to treat this next point about someone with all the respect it is rightfully due, which is none at all.

I’m going to try to start working that phrase into my columns more often.

Biden used that phrase in his typically hostile way, but he showed that he doesn’t even know how to threaten correctly.  His point seemed to be that since women have so much electoral power, the justices will regret opposing them – even though judges are supposed to interpret the law, not react to political power – before he ends with what he wants to be an ominous warning about the electoral consequences of taking a supposedly unpopular position.  

Does he think SCOTUS judges are elected?  Because if so… yikes!

Thankfully, all of the justices gave him the stink eye – even the three far-left ones – and the awkwardness of insulting people who are restrained by decorum from punching back cannot have played well with anyone who’s not already a hateful far-left loon.

Especially since the Dems played to their stereotype throughout the night.  In a speech full of lies, they weren’t perturbed at all.  But the one time when Biden accidentally told the truth – calling Laken Riley’s murderer “an illegal” – they became outraged!

And then Biden, because his spine is made of melting ice cream, apologized for calling an illegal alien murderer “illegal.”

Also, is everybody else as confused as I am about his comments about “Lincoln” Riley? 

I don’t mean the part about how he couldn’t get her name right, even when he was surrounded by people with big buttons with her name on them.  

I mean what he said next: “But how many thousands of people being killed by illegals?” 

What?  That’s not a sentence, and it doesn’t make sense.

It could mean something like, “How about all the many others who are being killed by illegals? Why don’t we say their names?”  And if that’s what he meant, more power to him!  Let’s start publicizing the names and stories of ALL the innocent Americans robbed, raped or killed by the millions of unvetted illegals the left’s open border is responsible for.

Or it could mean, “There AREN’T thousands of others being killed by illegals.”  In which case, the entire sentient world cries, “Malarky!” And let’s loose the hounds of fact-checking. 

All that being said, I do see two positives that came out of the SOTU:

1. Biden missed a great chance to get his speech off on a good foot: a bunch of pro-Hamas protestors block his car on the way there and he didn’t run them over.  He should remember that at the end of your life (which for him came around 3 years ago), it’s not the things that you did that you regret, so much as the things you didn’t do. 

And he didn’t order his driver to run over those Hamas-holes.

That would have been such a win-win!  Every normal American would cheer as the hateful little narcissists went careening off (or under) the car. Plus, Biden couldn’t get in any trouble for any deaths or injuries, because his attorneys could use the precedent of the Hur defense: you can’t charge this guy, because he’s obviously out of his gourd!

2. The MSM and Dem hacks  (but I repeat myself) have been out touting his SOTU like crazy, pointing to a positive reaction to the speech in polls.  (Though as a columnist on RedState pointed out, it was the smallest positive rating of any SOTU since they started being rated.)  They’re able to do so because the bar had been set so low that Biden managed to trip and fall forward over the metaphorical sandbag of the super-low expectations.

Which is great for us, because as I’ve said before, our best hope is that Biden does just well enough to stay in the race, and not get swapped out for anyone with higher ratings than him.  (And there’s only one person in the solar system who is NOT in that category, and her name rhymes with Shamala Sharris.) 

On another topic, beleaguered California has at least gotten a little bit of good news this past week: two of the most egregious leftist pols in the country – and that is saying something – both lost primary contests this week.  Horrible whitey-hater Barbara Lee and staff-abusing dim bulb Katie Porter both went down to highly entertaining defeats on Tuesday.

Lee had left her long-time House seat to run for Dianne Feinstein’s Senate seat.  You may remember Feinstein from the way she spent her last months on earth under her daughter’s conservatorship, because she was non compos mentis — and yet well enough to be a Democrat US Senator.

Great job, California voters! 

At 75, Lee was clearly too old to run again, and yet she did so anyway.

I’m sorry.  My crack staff is telling me that it’s not her age, but her IQ that is 75.  Sorry about that. 

Her age is 77.  So, yeah.  Too old to run for office.  (We’re making an exception for Trump, but only because he’s 27 years younger than his opponent.)

Katie Porter was running for the same Senate office.

You may remember her for sitting in front of a white board full of gibberish and speaking nonsense, or perhaps for abusing her staff the way Hillary did Bill, when behind closed doors and after the newest young secretary burst out of Bill’s office, running away at full speed and furiously rubbing her bottom.

Well, in a race in which the top two contenders go into a run-off, Babs Lee came in fourth, and Katie Porter came in third.  And in even better news, Republican Steve Garvey came in second.

The bad news is that he’s up against Adam Schiff, and it’s California.  So Pencil-Neck will almost certainly be the new Senator from CA, and Californians will continue to get what they’ve voted for, good and hard.    

Still, we need to take good news wherever we can find it in those big blue states, and at least we had the pleasure of watching two horrible leftists leave their House seats and then get humiliated in their attempt at the Senate.

Speaking of arrogant lefties getting what’s coming to them, even if you appreciate normalcy, you probably have heard of RuPaul, who is a famous drag queen.  You know, the same way Liz Warren is a famous drag Indian.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

On March 4th, RuPaul announced that he had launched an online bookstore called Allstora, which will NOT ban books, in protest against conservatives’ rabid desire to ban books.  Even though conservatives have not been trying to ban books, which would involve trying to stop a book from being published.

No, conservatives are just weirdos who don’t want taxpayer money being spent on gay – or straight! – porn for school libraries.  Unbelievably enough, they really don’t want their kids reading any books that include graphic details about how to sexually service creepy older people.

Even though, with all due respect, that describes the first several chapters of Que Mala’s political autobiography. 

Anyway, RuPaul tooted his own horn (and I don’t know gay slang, so if that’s a euphemism, I apologize) by saying that his fabulous new bookstore would be “a marketplace for all books and all stories.”    

Annnnndddd…  within one day of being opened, RuPaul’s bookstore started getting hit by an avalanche of protests and requests to “ban” books.  But break out your sad trombone – again, that sounds like it could be gay slang, so mea culpa? – because it turns out that all of those protests came from… wait for it… “progressive” book banners! 

Unexpectedly! 

And a few days later, RuPaul tucked his tail between his legs (sorry for that mental image) and caved, agreeing to put scary red warnings on books by conservatives, and even agreeing to remove some books by some firebrand conservatives such as Elon Musk. 

Who, as you might have noticed, is not even a conservative. 

So great job, self-styled “defenders of democratic values.”  You’ve made the point obviously clear: the intolerant people who want to dictate what others read are… leftists!

Hamas delenda est!

The SOTU Speech, & What We Should Do Between Now & November (posted 3/8/24)

Well, there’s an hour and twenty minutes that I’ll never get back.

Oh, who am I kidding?  I popped in and out of the SOTU for maybe a total of 10 minutes, my rule being that as soon as my gag reflex threatened to kick in and offload some of the bourbon (mmmm, brownest of the brown liquors) that I had been consuming – as fragments I have shored against my ruin – I tuned out until the urge to purge receded.   

(That’s right, trenchant references to Lionel Hutz and T.S. Eliot in the same sentence!  Suck it, other columnists who dare not attempt such a rhetorical stretch!) 

While I’m tooting my own horn, I posted a column on Wednesday featuring my imagining of Joe Biden preparing for a speaking engagement.  If you haven’t seen it, scroll back to Wednesday afternoon’s posts, and give it a quick read.  I’ll wait….

I know: it wasn’t super-hard to predict, but did I nail it or what?  The confusion, the slurring, the physical stiffness.  The ridiculous shrinkflation issue.  And I knew he’d be screwing up names – I had him calling Rocky Balboa “Rocky Road” and the Cookie Monster the “Cake Moose” – but I didn’t get the square on the Biden Bingo card for “Lincoln Riley.”

(Which is pretty funny.  One Republican whips the Dems and frees their slaves 160 years ago, and he’s still living in their heads rent-free!)

If I missed anything, it was by under-estimating the amount of sustained anger Biden was capable of; I expected a few bursts of “get off my lawn,” quickly trailing off into Cocaine Mitch-esque short-duration catatonia. 

But whatever drug cocktail they’re giving Brandon to keep him upright for 81 consecutive minutes must be some strong stuff.  So good for him.

I mentioned several years ago that I’d prefer that we get rid of the SOTU entirely.  It’s always an insufferable cavalcade of imbecility and phoniness: a laundry list of your stuff (which is all great!) and the other party’s stuff (they’re wrong about everything!), followed by ridiculous promises that no one thinks that you’ll keep. 

And ooh, there’s a couple of guys/gals/children/oldsters in the crowd whom I’d like to use as political props!  I’ll point to them and ask them to stand up, unless they’re in a wheelchair or paralyzed as a result of one of the other party’s stupid and destructive policies.  Then I’ll scold the other side for paralyzing their sorry arses.

Bah! 

As in most things, we should handle the SOTU the way the Founders did: write your message in a short document – we’ve bought a new batch of muskets, we’re accepting bids to build a few federal buildings, there’s a boll weevil problem in Mississippi, but the sorghum crop is coming along nicely – hand it to a guy on a horse, and slap the horse’s rear end to send him off to carry it to be read in the House.

Beyond that, I didn’t find a lot worth commenting on.  Of course Biden lied and dissembled and argued in bad faith, as I think most people expected him to.  I don’t think that anything he said will be remembered for long, as much as his affect, which was 100% angry old man. 

In that sense, it reminded me a lot of his Reichstag speech in September of 2022, minus the ominous red lighting and the two Marines flanking him, wishing they didn’t have to be there.

I don’t know how that behavior is not a huge political mistake for Biden.  His poll numbers are bad, and his best asset is Trump’s high negatives among independents and moderates.  So he should be trying to go all kinder and friendlier, to draw the moderates to him.   To the extent that he attacks Trump, his tone should be more in sorrow than in anger.

Instead, he’s scolding the nation, calling everybody who has ever considered voting for Trump unpatriotic fascist deplorables.  And he’s shaking his bony fist and hollering like Grandpa Simpson.  “In my day, we got 20 hectares to the hogshead, and that was good enough for us!  Also, we really fixed the Kaiser’s wagon!  No joke!”

If I had the Trump team’s ear, I would say that in the wake of this speech, I think we should do 4 things:

1. Set up a website with a daily updated count of crimes committed and costs imposed by illegals.  (Make it like the debt clock that some pols used to put up, when they pretended that either they or we were troubled by our rising national debt.)  

Keep a tally of the total number of crimes, along with highlighting the worst of the worst.   Also give numbers on how much we’ve been spending on their schooling, healthcare, prison, welfare benefits, etc.

We’d have to handle it carefully, with many statements about “not all illegals” (aggravating as those are), because we alienate winnable voters if we attack all immigrants, or defuse the blame and take it off the open border policies that are causing all this chaos. 

2. Try to get Trump to take as low a profile as possible, and keep the spotlight on Biden and his policies.

3. Focus on get-out-the-vote efforts, and stop telling people to NOT vote by mail and/or early!  (Dammit!) The Dems are great at that, and they will be again, and if we don’t fight fire with fire, we are going to under-perform in November.

4. Start preparing for Biden’s replacement nominee, because I’m increasingly certain that he will not be the nominee in November.  His poll numbers are too low already, and they’ve got nowhere to go but stagnant or down.  And his physical and mental deterioration are too obvious to be hidden, even by the dedicated gaslighting asshats – or yes, asslighting gas hats – in the MSM and Democrat party. 

The national Dem coven – er, brain trust – can see this just as well as we can.  If you and I are getting more confident that if Trump can manage to even minimally control himself, he’ll win against Biden in November, the Dems know that too.

So they’re going to switch him out, most likely in the summer or at the convention in August. And when that happens, Trump instantly goes from being the younger guy with the lower negatives in the race to the old guy with the highest negatives. 

Therefore, our best course is to keep hitting not only Biden, but the entire far-left Democrat establishment and their terrible policies.  (“It’s not just Biden’s open border, it’s the Dems’ open border; it’s not just Bidenflation and Bidenomics, it’s the economic results of Dem policies.”)

That way, when the Dems swap Biden out, we won’t be totally wrong-footed.  We can just slam the desperate, unprecedented, flop-sweat-infused decision to switch candidates at the 11th hour – and also slam the racist and sexist Dem party for pushing Que Mala aside too! – and quickly pivot to targeting the entire Dem party:

“Changing the frontman for your horrific policies won’t make any difference in the outcome.  Ken Doll Newsom is just Biden with a pulse.”  Or “Big Mike Obama is just Biden with linebacker shoulders.” Or “Hillary Clinton is just Biden with cankles and a terminal case of Resting Beeyotch Face.”

Etc.    

There you have it.  Please print this column out, hand it to a mounted GOP party official, and tell him to get it to Mar-A-Lago, stat.  Then slap the rear end of his horse to get him started.

But first, look carefully to be sure that no Dem congresswomen are around.  Because if the horse’s flanks look too juicy (not my words)… that might not be a horse.     

Finally, in my Wednesday column I suggested a Secret Service code name for Biden (“Flat Line”), because I often amuse myself by thinking up code names for various administration figures. For example:

Que Mala: “Word Salad”

Jill Biden: “Juco”

Liz Warren: “Edgar Winter”  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Janet Yellen: “Keebler”

Merrick Garland: “Bullet Dodged”

So as we move into the weekend, let me invite all of you in CO Nation to share your secret service code names for prominent Dems, or Republicans, for that matter.

Hamas delenda est!

Schadenfreude Stories of the Week (posted 2/26/24)

Today I’ve got a lot of feel-good stories of leftists receiving their just desserts, but I want to start with a case study of how putting on ideological blinders can make you stupid.   It involves Bill Maher. 

If you’ve seen his HBO show or stand-up specials, you know that Maher can be an obnoxious and condescending leftist.  But he’s also a smart guy who often sees through woke idiocy and calls it out, willingly taking criticism for doing so.  His old show Politically Incorrect (1993-2002) often lived up to its name, when it wasn’t (ironically) being politically correct.

But even though I think he’s earned the incredibly rare description of “intermittently insightful leftist,” his politics cause him to have some shocking blind spots.  A while ago, for example, Dave Rubin was his guest when Maher was berating Trump for being an “election denier.”

When Rubin pointed out that Cankles Clinton had spent much of Trump’s term blaming various conspiracies for her loss and calling Trump an “illegitimate president,” Maher was shocked at the idea, and blatantly denied that she’d ever said that.  

How can you explain such a ridiculous statement from someone who has made his living by being hyper-aware of political bias, other than to call it an act of self-inflicted ignorance?

Last week he did it again.  He had Ann Colter on, and he started a discussion of the shooting at the Kansas City Chiefs’ parade by saying, “We don’t know who did this shooting, by the way.”

Colter drily said, “We have some idea.” Maher said, “What?” and she said, “If it were a white man shooting, we’d know.”

Maher insisted, “We don’t know,” and when Colter gave recent examples of non-white shooters being underplayed, Maher was incredulous.  “You think they’re repressing that reporting?”

After a little more back and forth, Colter confidently said, “The longer they go without telling you, it’s not a white male.”

Maher responded by rolling his eyes and sarcastically saying, “We don’t know… [but] you know, because you have special powers.”

Annnnddddd… it turns out (after several more days of MSM obfuscation) that the shooters are black.

Unexpectedly!

If I’m reading Maher correctly, I think he could actually pass a lie detector test on that question: he authentically seems to be unaware of the obvious and consistent bias in virtually all MSM reporting on race, and especially on crime!

How can that be?  One of the oldest political jokes I know has to do with a typical MSM headline announcing an imminent extinction-level event: “World Ends Tomorrow: Women and Minorities Hardest Hit.”

Similarly, every crime story either becomes the object of obsessive focus and exaggeration or is ignored, depending on the race or politics of the perps and victims.  Jussie Smollett’s risible hoax about Trump fans in Chicago nearly lynching him is the biggest story in the country… until the truth becomes clear, and the media slinks away.

Violent thugs like Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin and George Floyd die in the process of committing more crimes, and they are transfigured from recidivist criminals into saints and martyrs. 

Meanwhile white kids like the Covington Catholic schoolboys are confronted at the Lincoln Memorial by an aggressive American Indian weirdo (rumors that he is Liz Warren’s brother have not been confirmed, but still, #wemustneverstopmockingher), and they stay calm. So the media smear them as entitled white aggressors harassing a morally pure “person of color.”

Or how about Kyle Rittenhouse, the racist vigilante who went on a killing spree against innocent black civil rights protestors?  Except that he’s not racist, and not a vigilante, and the guys he shot were all white sex offenders who attacked him, and deserved every bullet he fired in self-defense.   

I could go on and on, but I don’t have to, because we all know the truth.

Except for Bill Maher, apparently. 

It’s really depressing to recognize how many of our fellow citizens – and voters! – really believe the propaganda the media has been feeding them.  But it’s especially so when a guy as smart as Maher, and who has a high profile job that entails obsessively following national politics, is totally blind to the most basic realities of American politics in 2024!

Ugh.  Enough with the bring-down stories.  Let’s take a quick look at a few stories of lefty follies from the past week.

First up is our Cadaver in Chief.  How bad has it gotten for Dems trying to find something positive to say about Joe Biden’s campaign?

This bad:  When Biden was doing a photo op at a Mexican restaurant in Cali, several people inexplicably wanted to take a selfie with him.  (My guess?  They were each hoping to get the last pic with a US president before he died, the creepy vultures.)

As he was posing, he pushed a button on a customer’s phone to switch it to selfie mode.  And the Biden campaign actually put this out as part of a statement: The customer was “surprised POTUS knew how to do that.” To which the Corn Pop Slayer responded, “After the last guy, the bar’s on the floor.”

I know: the campaign considered that shot at Trump a shining example of witty repartee.  But they buried the lede by sliding right past the telling, hilarious detail:  This is what it’s come to! When Joey gaffes manages to press the right button on a cell phone, a potential voter was surprised he could pull that off!

Look for the following puff-piece stories in coming days:

  • Voter in a public bathroom when Biden came in reports that Biden was able to use the urinal correctly.  Voter shocked! 
  • During a photo op at Denny’s, Biden ordered something close enough to barely be recognized as a “Grand Slam Breakfast.”  Waitress flabbergasted!
  • Physician arrived at the White House in the morning to do a routine check of Biden’s vital signs, discovered that Biden had continued to carry out such autonomic functions as respiration and a semi-steady heartbeat overnight.  Doctor stunned!

That’s our president, people.

Meanwhile, lefty media outlets continue to get blasted like Sonny Corleone at the toll booth in Godfather I.

I’ve already laughed about the closure of Jezebel and the Messenger, the firings of Brian Stelter, Fredo Cuomo and Don Lemon, and the job cuts at the LA Times, WAPO and CNN.  Now we can add Vice Media to the list.

Vice was valued at almost $6 billion in 2017 – I’m assuming by socialist accountants who dusted their peyote with crystal meth whenever they did an audit – before they filed for bankruptcy and were sold last year for $350 million. 

Now reports say that they’re trying to sell off a publishing business and fighting rumors that their entire site might disappear because they’re struggling to pay their monthly server bills.

Who would have thought that being dishonest partisan hacks and smearing half the country for years on end would end in tears?

Speaking of which, BuzzFeed is another media outlet that has been diligently searching for the alchemical recipe for turning malicious, dishonest socialism into profits.  It bought an entertainment media brand called Complex for $300 million shortly before going public in December of 2021, and for the next year, its stock price hovered around $10 a share. 

Its recent price is $21 dollars per share, which I would think is a good indicator of—

No, wait.  I misread that.  That’s supposed to be $.21 per share.  As in 21 cents. 

As in, you’re in the drive-through at McDonalds and they ask if you’d like to supersize your fries, and you say, “Yes, but I don’t have any more cash on me.  Would you take three shares of BuzzFeed stock to make that a large fry?”

And the teenager in the paper hat would say, “No.”

So BuzzFeed announced more layoffs, and it just sold Complex for $108 million.

Now I’m just a simple country English professor, so I don’t claim to understand the complex world of high finance.  But if our resident big financial brains – CO and Chris Silber – could help me out here…

Isn’t buying an asset for $300 million, and then selling it a few years late for $108 million what you’d call “buying high and selling low?”

And that’s not a good thing, right? 

It’s not just behind-the-scenes lefty media types who are getting hit with the reality stick.  Unfunny comedian Jimmy Kimmel has announced that he’ll likely be retiring at the end of his current contract. 

I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that his ratings (and those of lefty scolds Colbert and the Daily Show et al) have crumbled, and ads on his show are bringing in 41% less than they were doing 4 years ago. 

Maybe I was a little hasty in calling Kimmel “unfunny.”  Because THAT is hilarious!

Finally, there are also some positive signs coming out of Gaza, where a Palestinian official is claiming that, “Hamas’ leadership is planning to remain in the besieged Gaza Strip and carry on their fight against Israel to the end.”

Sources suggest that three top Hamas leaders – one Mohammed (Deif), one Marwan (Issa), and top dog Yahya Sinwar, whom I am calling “Yahoo Serious” (look him up), because his name is equally stupid, and it amuses me – are all still in a part of Gaza that the IDF has not yet invaded. 

They are supposedly determined to stay there and fight to the death.

Which means that this situation presents the terrorists and the good guys with a rare opportunity for bipartisanship.  Since they want to die fighting, and we want them dead, this sounds like a win-win to me. 

So here’s hoping those three stooges have the life expectancy of BuzzFeed, Vice Media, and Joe Biden.  

Because as always…

Hamas delenda est!

We Must Keep Joe Biden in This Race! (posted 2/12/24)

Even though I am wildly popular here in CO Nation, I don’t write columns to be popular.  I’ve got to call balls and strikes as I see them.  And that’s why I must deliver this sure-to-be unpopular message:

I think the MSM is treating Biden way too harshly and unfairly.  As patriotic Americans, we’ve got to do everything we can to defend him from these spurious attacks, and support keeping him in office and running for re-election!

I know.  But hear me out. 

Yes, the guy was never more than a glad-handing mediocrity, a fumbling, bumbling low-IQ gaffe machine. And that was back when he was young and at the height of his powers, finishing at the low end of his law school class and plagiarizing his way right out of two presidential runs!

Sidebar: Can you imagine what would happen if you had the misfortune to hire one of the attorneys who finished BELOW Joe Biden in law school?!  Good lord!

You’d pick him out of the phone book, then make an appointment with him to represent you in your divorce.  Then you’d meet him at his office, which would be the smallest space in an aging mini-mall in an iffy neighborhood, sandwiched in between a pawn shop and a Tai Kwan Do studio with no Asian instructors.

And you’d explain to him that you’ve got a solid pre-nup and you caught your wife cheating on you, plus she’s got two DUI’s and an open warrant for a Failure to Appear in a meth distribution case out of Abilene, Texas. 

And the guy would smooth out his comb-over and say, “No problem, this is a slam dunk case.  I went to law school with Joe Biden, you know.”

And three months later you’d stomp back into his office wearing only a pair of mis-matched flip-flops and your oldest, threadbare boxers, holding a cardboard box of VHS tapes and a third-place bowling trophy from junior high.  And you’d drop the box on his desk and say, “You did finish higher in your law school class than Joe Biden, right?”  

And he’d say, “Why do you ask?”

And you’d say, “Because my cheating, alcoholic meth-dealer of an ex-wife got the house and the cars and my 401K and the clothes off my back.  And now I’ve got to pay her alimony and child support.  And we don’t even have any kids!!”

And, scene.

Where was I? 

Oh yeah.

Now Biden’s just a shell of his former shell of a self, and is manifestly unworthy of being president. 

So yes, it would technically be better if he stepped down today. 

Except that then, Que Mala would be the president.  And yes, we all just threw up in the back of our mouths a little.  Or possibly a lot.  And some of you are dry heaving over a waste basket right now, just because I brought up that possibility.

Sorry about that.  But it’s too late for a trigger warning, so let’s just move on.

Here’s the situation: the three people on earth most likely to be our next president are Willie Brown’s former side piece (underwater by something like 19 points on approve/disapprove), the late Joe Biden (underwater by around 17 points, and falling like Jeffrey Toobin’s pants on a Zoom call), and Donald Trump (underwater by around 12, which is roughly 3 points better than he was a couple of months ago). 

I desperately want Trump to win, and it’s looking way better for him against both Biden and Que Mala than it did in recent months.  (Please God, I don’t ask for much, but this one time… Our country needs this!)

But if anybody else is up for the Dems in November – DeSantis took Ken Doll Newsom apart at the joint, so the most likely stand-in now appears to be Big Mike Obama – Trump is going to be at a comparative disadvantage. 

As ridiculous as that is!  I’m not saying it makes sense at all, or that it’s right.  But that’s my honest take on the situation.  Trump is more underwater with the independents and the mushy middle of persuadables outside of the right-wing base – which are frustratingly ALWAYS the ones who decide presidential elections – than any pol other than Brandon and the Cackle Queen.

Have you ever seen two exhausted boxers in a late round, when the guy who’s losing starts wrapping his arms around the other boxer and holding on for dear life whenever they get close?  It’s a good strategy to run out the clock, especially when you can’t afford to go toe-to-toe with your opponent, because even a single, glancing punch is going to turn out your lights.

That’s what Trump should do with Biden, but for the opposite reason.  He should close up with him and then go into a clinch, so that he can hold Biden up and keep him upright until the final bell.

Don’t go after him 24/7 for the next nine months.  Don’t get in his face and challenge him to a debate.  (You already gave him an out for that by skipping the GOP debates anyway, but now that can actually work for you.) 

If you get on the same stage with him and start throwing rhetorical haymakers, he’s going to go down like Mike Tyson when Buster Douglas caught him with that flurry of jabs in the 10th round.  And then the Dems would discover (unexpectedly!) that’s Biden’s actually been dead for several years now, and sub in somebody with at least a 50/50 chance to beat you.

Fortunately for us, if Biden can retreat to his basement, the MSM will do everything they can to protect him.  The Dems believe that he can beat Trump (or at least they did), and their strategy to use sleazy lawfare to simultaneously help Trump get the GOP nomination and weaken him with the independents was probably their smartest course of action. 

I mean, if you accept that they have rejected their responsibility to behave as ethical and sane adults.  Which they have definitely done, for lo these many decades now.      

But now that they’re there, they just need to keep Biden away from microphones.  And cameras.  And any competent journalist who might somehow slip inside the White House cordon to yell a question at him when he’s concentrating on wobbling his way across the lawn without falling and shattering one of his bird-like hip or leg bones.  Or arm bones.  Or ribs.

The establishment and MSM have already been doing their level best to run cover for him.  And there’s no better sign of that than the DOJ’s kid-gloves decision to not go after him for his obviously illegitimate taking of classified documents and sprinkling them all over the eastern seaboard, from his beach house to his garage to his phony “Biden Center” at U Penn.

The investigation admitted that there’s plenty of evidence that Biden took docs he had no right to take… but basically says that they aren’t going to prosecute him because he’s mentally incompetent.

What?!

That’s what the lawyer for the guy who gets caught with the bodies of 5 murdered nurses half-buried in the dirt basement under his house argues!  “Sure, my guy went on a multi-state murder spree, but look at him.  The poor sap doesn’t know if he’s afoot or horseback.  You can’t convict him!”

But at the end of that story, his best-case scenario is for the authorities to put the mentally ill guy into a psych ward instead of a supermax prison. 

You know what the authorities DON’T do?  [begin Sam Kinison filter] THEY DON’T SEND HIM BACK TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO LEAD THE FREE WORLD! OH! OHHHHHHH!  [end Kinison filter]

It’s even worse than that, because you know that Ben Hur was just feeling sorry for Biden, because he actually said, in his actual report, that Biden is “a well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory.”

You don’t have to understand the Latin phrase “non compos mentis” to understand what Hur just said about Joe Biden.  Even my daughter and her friends, when she was in second grade, could understand what that meant: as they would say, he’s “cuckoo fried chicken!”

Talk about the soft bigotry of low expectations!  You never want to be in the position of explaining away the manifest flaws of a chief executive that way. “That’s just Joe.  He means well.”

If Ben Hur was a genteel Southerner, his report would be titled, “An Inquiry Into Joe Biden’s Handling of Classified Documents: Bless his heart.”

So kill him with kindness, Mr. Trump.

No, strike that!  Don’t kill him!  For the love of God, don’t kill him!

Treat him like he is a fragile porcelain mouse.  Compliment him. You probably can’t say, “The president is a formidable opponent,” with a straight face.  So go for something more believable, like, “I know that he’s doing the best he can to implement his policies.” 

Or, “I don’t think he’s lost a step since he took office.  He looks as healthy as ever to me, and even if something happened to him (unexpectedly!), Kamala is ready to step in and take over for him.  But that won’t be necessary, because Joe Biden is every bit as effective and on top of things as he was when he was Obama’s VP.  Even though he can’t remember when that was.  Or who Obama was.”

Whoo.  This is going to be tough, I know.  But cut those last two phrases.  Just discipline yourself, and stick to the compliments.

Please Mr. Trump, we need this!  You don’t need to go into attack mode, and you don’t need to get distracted.  Don’t say that E. Jean Carroll is a loony beeyatch.  (Even though she obiously is.) Or that the judges in all of your bogus trials are evil leftists, persecuting you for political reasons. (Ditto.)

Just hold some rallies, bask in the base’s love, and stay on friendly ground.  Talk for 5 minutes, saying things like, “How about that border crisis?” Or “Remember when gas was $2.15 a gallon?” Or, “Did you ever notice that Putin took Crimea under Obama and attacked Ukraine just a few years ago, but when I was president, Putin stayed on his chain?”

Then say, “Goodnight folks!  See you in November!”

So as painful as this may be for me to write…

Biden/Harris 2024!

Oh, and also…

Hamas delenda est!