Tag: kamala-harris

For Preventing Presidents Hillary and Kamala, I Salute Trump (posted 10/1/25)

On this first hump day of October, I want to spread good cheer by reminding everyone that within the last decade, America twice narrowly avoided catastrophe, when two of our worst politicians came way too close to the White House.

As much as I get frustrated by Trump shooting his mouth off in self-defeating ways, and as much as I wish he were a more disciplined and consistent conservative than he is, he prevented both Hillary and Que Mala Harris from being president.  And for that, I will always appreciate him, and rank him as one of America’s greatest presidents.

I took one for the team yesterday, and watched an excerpt of an MSNBC interview with Hillary.  (I don’t like to throw the word “hero” around loosely, but… you’re welcome.)

Here’s what Hillary had to say: “Caw, caw, CAW. CAW CAW CA—”

Ugh.  Sorry. I tried to listen to it, but I can’t make out anything above her fingernails-on-a-chalkboard screeching.

So here’s a transcript of what she said:

“We – and I include myself – we have GOT to stop demonizing each other.  Now, I think most of that, right now in our country’s history, is coming, you know, from the right, coming from people who want to dominate.  They want their point of view.  You know, writing out slavery from history, that doesn’t make it go away!  We’ve got to stop with the finger pointing and the scapegoating.  We can have legitimate disagreements.  I mean, how do you provide quality affordable health care to everybody….  That’s what we should be doing.  But we have to do it in the truth-based reality that we are living in.   You know, facts and evidence have to matter again.  And then we can start having good debates.”

Oh, I love that so much!  It reminds me of the great quote from snarky Mary McCarthy, when asked her opinion of playwright Lillian Helman: “I can’t stand her.  I think every word she writes is false, including ‘and’ and ‘but.’”

Hillary opens with a rare rhetorical feat, creating an oblivious-projection sandwich.

Her first sentence says we have to stop demonizing each other, and her fifth sentence says we have to stop finger pointing and scapegoating.  And in between are three sentences of 100% demonizing, finger pointing and scapegoating!  Could she possibly be any less self-aware?

And she can’t even demonize right!  She accuses the GOP of wanting to “dominate” and “have their point of view,” which is the main goal of all political parties, all the time, everywhere.  And she accuses us of “wanting to write slavery out of history,” when hers is the party of slavery, the Klan and Jim Crow.   

Then she rolls out a time-tested political cliché, calling for “good, legitimate debates” while demonstrating the kind of bad faith that precludes any such debates.

She wants to talk about how we can provide “quality, affordable health care,” even though she was cheerleading at Obama’s side as he rammed through the “Affordable Health Care Act”  fifteen years ago!  So, mission-accomplished, right?  What’s to disagree about?

She’s also all about “truth-based reality.”  You know, like when she abandoned all of those brave Americans to get murdered in Benghazi, and then when we tried to find out the truth about that, she raged, “What difference at this point does it make?! CAW! CAW!”

And she really, really wants “facts and evidence” to “matter again!”

You know, facts.  Like “I never sent or received any classified emails on my private server.” Or “I remember landing under sniper fire.”

And evidence!  Oh, how she just adores evidence.   

Like Monica’s blue dress.  And incriminating emails on a hard drive that she destroyed with bleach bit. And the receipts from when she paid to create the phony Steele dossier.

Election night 2016 was one of the happiest political nights ever, right up there with election night 2024!

Speaking of which, Kamala Harris has written a terrible book about her terrible 107-day campaign to try to become a terrible president, a fate from which a loving God saved this nation.  I have only read excerpts from that book, because I owe it to you all to protect my national treasure of a brain from the devastating damage that slogging through it would cause.

But even though I’ve only seen excerpts, I can confidently say that Que Mala did not actually write her book.  Because the sentences in those excerpts included grammar and punctuation that allowed me to recognize them as English sentences.

On the other hand, from what I could tell, the “thoughts” in the book are hers.  Because they are ridiculously deranged.  She claims that Biden was healthy enough to serve as president, but is also angry that he “selfishly” decided to run for president again. 

She says that she couldn’t pick mayor Pete as her VP because he is too gay, but then she picked the most flamboyant straight man who ever flounced his way across a stage, like a sign-language interpreter on peyote who only speaks “jazz hands.”

One of the book’s main theses (rhymes with…) was that if she had only had more time to campaign, she would have won. 

Because if there’s anything we know about Que Mala, it’s that she really grows on people, and becomes more and more impressive, the more you are exposed to her.

I’m sorry.  The sarcasm in that last sentence was so thick that I may have just given myself carpal tunnel syndrome by forcing myself to type it.      

Fortunately for me, I’m a doctor. (Of English.) And I also had a grandmother who was wise in the ways of folk medicine.  And I clearly remember her advice: Starve a cold, feed a fever, and eat ice cream and drink bourbon for carpal tunnel syndrome.  So I’ve got this, people. 

Where was I?  Oh yeah.

If you think the 107 days of Que Mala’s candidacy were long, consider this: her memoir is 300 agonizing pages!  300! 

I would rather be kicked into a bottomless well by King Leonidas than read those 300 pages. (“THIS…IS…GIBBERISH!!”) (I’ll take “timely Sparta references” for $100, Alex.)

By comparison, the four Gospels are around 300 pages, and they have parables, and beatitudes, and Jesus’ words, in sweet red lettering! 

Shane, a great novel, is only 176 pages.  Strunk and White’s Elements of Style – and, perhaps second to the gospels, Kamala REALLY needs to read that book – is less than 100 pages!

I know what you’re thinking: “Martin, there is NO WAY that Kamala’s horrific book could be any worse.”  

Au contraire, meine Freunde.  Because the sadists at Simon and Schuster have found a way to make it torture your ears, as well as your brain.  They’ve released…(dramatic pause with ominous music playing very quietly in the background)… an audio version!  [begin Kinison filter] NO! MAKE IT STOP!! GIVE ME SOME KNITTING NEEDLES SO I CAN RAM THEM INTO MY EARS! OH!  OHHHHH!!!  [end Kinison filter]

Quick quiz: Who would be the worst possible choice of all humans who have ever lived to hear reading an audio book?

  1. Stephen Hawking, with that weird robot voice.
  2. RFK Jr., with that dysphonia thing he’s got happening.
  3. Cankles McPantsuit (“Chapter 1. Caw, Caw, CAW….”)

Okay, that was a trick.  Because Simon and Schuster chose to have Kamala Harris’s Geneva-Convention-violating, crime-against-humanity of a book read by…wait for it…and I swear I am not making this up… Kamala Harris!

Ugh! Can you imagine listening to that nasal, cackling, vocal-fry of a droning aural assault on your senses for its entire running time? 

Which is ten merciless hours?!

On second thought, I’d like to buy one copy. 

And put it just outside of arms’ reach outside the bars of the Utah prison room on the day when Charlie Kirk’s murderer is facing the firing squad, ten hours before the triggers are scheduled to be pulled.  And take away his pillow, and any cloth items that he could use to hang himself.

And hit “play.”

Hamas and Trantifa delenda est!

The Good, the Bad, and the Moron of the Month Nominees (posted 9/24/25)

On this hump day, I want to mention a few highlights from Charlie’s memorial service and from the week that Trump is having, and offer a couple of contenders for “Moron of the Month.”

I only watched excerpts from Charlie’s memorial so far – it’s all still too raw for me, so when I find myself getting too sad or too angry, I turn to other things – but I liked what I saw.  There were some politics, of course, but more faith, and I’m sure that’s a balance that Charlie would approve. 

Both testaments were well represented by the speakers.  Marco Rubio, JD Vance and Erika Kirk had the New Testament covered.  I continue to be more and more impressed by Marco and JD, and they both did what one of my old pastors used to say was his main job: preaching Jesus Christ, and Him crucified.  I’ve known about JD’s faith before, but I didn’t know Marco had that in him, so good on both of them.

And of course Charlie’s widow showed stunning grace when she forgave Charlie’s killer, while some of us are still looking into how one might volunteer to be a government rifleman in Utah for any future executions that might come up.  (I for one wasn’t asking for a friend.)

But the OG testament also had a few proponents.  Stephen Miller gave a barnburner, dishing out the brimstone on the malevolent leftists who cheered Charlie’s death with his, “You are nothing!  We are the ones who build; you can do nothing!” oration.

On his podcast, Michael Knowles shared that a non-Jewish friend of his, after Miller spoke, leaned over and said, “Man, the Jews can REALLY do that Old Testament stuff!” 

But the best Old Testament touch came from Trump, in probably the most controversial moment of the night.  I am far from an always-Trumper, but I believe that most of Trump’s detractors only pretend to be offended by him when he’s clearly joking. 

Trump’s delivery was perfect when he said, “He did not hate his opponents, he wanted what was best for them.  That’s where I disagreed with Charlie.  I HATE my opponents, and I DON’T want what’s best for them, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry Erika…. But I can’t stand my opponents.”  The crowd laughed, and then Trump smiled and pointed upwards and said, “Charlie’s angry.  Looking down, he’s angry at me now.” 

That was so obviously a joke, and a self-deprecating one, and it relieved some of the tension in the room the way loving jokes about the departed often do at a wake or a funeral.  Trump’s enemies – and some Christians (who take themselves too seriously, IMHO) – might not think it was funny, or appropriate, but I don’t believe them when they breathlessly claim that he was seriously proclaiming hate.

Even beyond the memorial service, some prime Trump was served up this week.  Between blowing up a fourth boat full of drugs and gang-bangers and dressing down the wretched hive of scum and villainy that is the UN, Trump is in full FAFO mode. 

And also DGAF mode.  And also “FYATHYRIO” mode.  (Okay, that last one’s a little clunky.  But it ends with “and the horse you rode in on.”) 

I hope that Trump will just take the next step, and pull us out of the UN entirely.   They let literal terror states and commie gulag states (like Afghanistan, Cuba, etc.) sit on the Human Rights Commission, and they censure and condemn Israel more than all other countries combined.  So let’s just give them their eviction notice and one month to vacate the HQ in NYC, and then announce that Trump has commandeered the building to be his Presidential Library.  (Even if he didn’t follow through, it would be hilarious to watch the top of leftist heads blow off all over the country!)

If we need a formal association of nations to do what the UN was originally supposed to do, we can form a new one.  Call it the Justice League, or something equally guaranteed to enrage the bad guys, and limit membership to worthy allies.   If your nation is run by mullahs, commies or dictators, don’t bother applying. 

Without further ado, here are three nominees for Moron of the Month:

1. Many numbskulls compared Jimmy Kimmel’s temporary suspension to Charlie Kirk’s assassination, as equally threatening to free speech.  Georgia Democrat Senator John “he really p*sses” Ossoff was amongst the worst, calling both the murder and the suspension “completely unacceptable.” 

Good lord!  To call that an “apples and oranges” comparison is an insult to both fruit and analogies.  They’re not apples and oranges, you idiots!  They’re apples and ocelots.  Or apples and tectonic plates. 

Or apples and whatever object in the universe is the most metaphysically opposite of apples, ever!

2.  I didn’t see Rachel Maddow’s interview with Que Mala Harris about her terrible book, because I have a life to lead.  But I did see a few excerpts from it on a conservative site, because I need a daily dose of schadenfreude-tastic entertainment.  

Apparently her book trashes the entire Democrat establishment, blaming everybody but herself for her humiliating loss last year.  In one particularly fun excerpt, the human word-salad-shooter accidently said the stupid part out loud, saying that she wanted to pick Mayor Pete as her VP candidate, but she couldn’t, because Americans won’t vote for gay people.

I know what you’re thinking: So she chose that paragon of masculine straight-ness, “Jazz Hands” Wolz instead??  Brilliant!

Anyway, it was fun to be reminded of the incompetent bullet we dodged last November.  Maddow asked her about not picking Mayor Pete, and the exchange was classic Que Mala: 

Maddow said, “To say that he couldn’t be on the ticket effectively because he was gay was hard to hear.”

Harris responded, “No, no, no.  That’s not what I said, that that’s, that he couldn’t be on the ticket because he is gay.” 

Then she served up this word side-salad:  “My point in, as I write in the book, is that I was clear that in 107 days, in one of the most hotly contested elections for president of the United States, against someone like Donald Trump, who knows no floor … to be a black woman running for president of the United States and, as a vice presidential running mate, a gay man, with the stakes being so high, it made me very sad. But I, I also realized, it would be a real risk.”

(For the grammarians among you, that’s at least 10 interrupting prepositional phrases – I stopped counting when the migraine hit – that separate the two parts of what passes for the main thought in that sentence: “My point is, it made me very said.”)

So… she definitely did NOT say that he couldn’t be on the ticket because he is gay, but then she explained why he couldn’t be on the ticket.  Because the stakes were high.  And it would be risky. And he’s very gay.  And that makes her sad.

Oof.  It’s almost like everybody can understand why, after those 107 fateful days, she got her arse beat like it hadn’t been beaten since she and Willie Brown were role-playing “naughty cheerleader gets sent to the principal’s office” during her job interview way back in the day.

Oh, sorry.  Trigger warning.  And gag-reflex warning.

My bad.

But in case you were thinking that nobody could possibly have said anything dumber than that this month, hold on to your hat, and your nomination ballot, because I give you:

3. JoJo from Jerz, a bile-filled far-left internet-botherer (but I repeat myself) who is well known for posting very stupid and hateful things.  For example, the morning after Charlie Kirk was murdered, she posted, “Things feel very dark in America this morning.  Very, very dark.”

Sorry, that wasn’t the morning after Charlie was killed; it was the morning after Jimmy Kimmel was suspended.   Because nothing says “dark night of the soul” like a rich, hateful, unfunny comedian getting a forced week off, I guess. 

But that’s not why she’s in the running for Moron of the Month.  She earned that dishonor by trying to defend the mean-spirited and politically tone-deaf Dems in the House who voted against a resolution to honor Charlie Kirk’s life.  To do so, she followed the time-honored tradition of changing the subject from bad leftist behavior to smearing alleged (or even hypothetical) bad behavior by the GOP.

But she did it in the most hilariously self-owning, rake-stomping way possible.

Saith the jerk from jerz: “Senate Democrats should introduce a ‘Melissa Hortman day of remembrance’ and see if Republicans object to it.”  And then hit “send,” and sneered, and picked up her second box of wine of the morning, I’m guessing.  

Hortman was the little-known Minnesota Democrat politician who was murdered this past summer.  For the record, no conservatives had spent the last several years demonizing her as a fascist Nazi who deserved to die, and the nut who killed her said that he did so because Tim Walz wanted him to. 

But Jojo was holding onto a box of wine with one hand, and the slanderous lie that Hortman was killed by MAGA with the other, and she thought she had really dropped a truth and logic bomb on the hypocritical conservative scum who know damn well that they would NEVER vote for a resolution honoring a murdered Democrat!     

Annnndddd…it turns out that a resolution to honor Hortman and condemn political violence WAS introduced in the Senate in late June.

Annnndddd…nobody in the GOP protested it, or voted “present” or “nay.” 

That’s right, the GOP UNANIMOUSLY voted for the resolution! 

Because (D)emocrats (D)o it (D)ifferently.  

And we’re not like them.

Rumors that JoJo ordered a new computer that day, after the previous one was drenched in a ginormous, comical spit-take of Costco Cabernet have not been confirmed.

Hamas and Trantifa delenda est!

A Few Thoughts on What Motivates the Dems (posted 9/3/25)

As you read this, I’m once again on my way up to Tennessee and then to Illinois.  This time, I’ll be seeing mom and sis in TN on the way up and back as always, but I’ll also be attending my first high school reunion ever, up in Illinois. 

This is our 45th year reunion, and I figured I better get up there and see as many people as I can while there are still this many of us left!  I’ll also hang with the cousins for a day or two afterward.

So I won’t have a column on Friday, and probably not on Monday either.

Today I’m bringing you an idea that I’ve just consciously realized, though I think I’ve had it in the back of my head for a while now.  But so far, I think I had mistaken the Democrats’ second most prominent reason for opposing Trump.

Two columns ago, I wondered in writing why more Dems don’t just admit when one Trump decision or policy actually works, if for no other reason than to look reasonable, and to keep their powder dry for a time when one of Trump’s more controversial policies is vulnerable to some strategic criticism. 

I think we can all agree that the first and main reason that explains their resistance to his every move – from mob protests, to stalling tactics in Congress, to illegal local court rulings – is their Stage-4 Metastatic Trump Derangement Syndrome.  As much as they hate conservatism and the GOP, they hate Trump with the burning fury of a thousand suns.

He’s their Great Orange Whale, and they will pursue him with an obsessive fury that cannot be assuaged.  Ahab’s famous last words, as he realizes that his hunt has become suicidal – “From hell’s heart, I stab at thee; for hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee.” – are directed at Moby Dick. 

But do those words not sound as if they could come from the mouths of any of dozens of d*cks in the Democrat party?  (And I’m not just talking about Dick “nobody ever calls him Richard” Durbin and Richard “everyone secretly calls him Dick” Blumenthal.) 

I’ve previously thought that the Democrats’ second reason for opposing Trump at every turn was the one they have shouted from the rooftops: they believe that all of his policies are so wrong-headed and certain to end in failure, and they are doing everything they can to prevent the damaging outcome of those policies. 

I still think that some Dems believe that.  But I used to think that nearly ALL Dems believed it, either because they don’t know any better, or because they’ve been seduced or brainwashed by the pleasures and self-satisfaction of believing yourself to be one of the good guys, on the right side of history, fighting against dark forces. 

But I now think that the elites and the smartest people in the Democrat party and legacy media are opposing Trump for the opposite reason. 

They are not trying to stop him because of how disastrous his policies will be; they are trying to stop him because of how successful his policies will be, if he is allowed to carry them out. 

I guess that should have been obvious, because as conservatives, the common sense behind conservative policies seems obvious. 

If you lower tax rates and allow people to keep more of what they earn, they’ll work harder and earn more, and pay more taxes.  (Duh!) If you harshly punish crime you’ll get less of it, and if you don’t you’ll get more of it.  (Duh!)  Men can’t become women, and women can’t become men, and people who come here illegally are illegals.  (Duh X 3!)

The Dems have worked very hard at pushing their party line that all of our ideas are untrue, to the point that many of their foot soldiers believe it, despite all evidence to the contrary.  But their party leaders have to know better at this point.  Because they’ve been proved wrong too many times, and it’s become a pattern that the professional politicians amongst them cannot be unaware of. 

Dems screamed all through 2024 that the border crisis – after denying that it existed for the previous three years, when all PWFE (People With Functioning Eyes) knew that it existed – could not be fixed, and the border not secured, without “comprehensive immigration reform,” a massive, complicated set of laws and regulations that would take many months to create and debate and pass, and many more months to implement.

Annnndddd…Trump closed the border in 27 minutes, and it worked like a charm.  

The same thing has happened with crime.  The left said that if we could defund the police and allow “the people” to police themselves, the result would be Edenic.  So they gave over Seattle and Portland to CHAZ and CHOP and The People’s Republic of Meth, and got chaos, violence and filth. 

Some radical lefties protested Trump’s moving the National Guard into DC, claiming that it would exacerbate tensions and lead to increased violence there.

Annnnddddd…NOPE!

Also, Dems – and a few oddball conservatives (or ex-conservatives?) like Tucker Carlson –warned that if Trump tried to take out the Iranian nuke facilities he’d be launching WWIII, that Russia/China/India and the rest of the BRICS nations (whoever they are) would align against us and plunge the region into violent chaos, killing millions, including the US troops that would have to be on the ground to try to stop the slaughter.

Annnndddd… Trump took out the nuke facilities with one strike, following on 11 days of previous Israeli strikes that took out Iranian air defenses, surface nuke facilities, and every Iranian military leader above the rank of Cannon Fodder, First Class.

Thus tempting me to seek a patent on a line of t-shirts (playing off the Israeli victory in the Six-Day War) featuring Trump’s famous mugshot over the words, “12 Days, B*tch!”

The four long years of Biden and the last 7 months of Trump II have shown that the Dems’ most powerful foe isn’t Trump, or the GOP.  It’s reality.  Because their plans keep running into Reality, and so far, Reality is undefeated.

The “Inflation Reduction Act” spiked the rate of inflation.  The campaign against Trump’s re-election based on “defending democracy” was crushed by democracy, in the form of the popular vote.  After accepting tent cities and filth in LA for years, Ken-Doll Newsom showed that it could all be easily cleaned up, when he cleaned it up in a few days before the ChiCom big wigs came for a visit.  

Annnddd…then it returned to an intractable problem again, once the commies left.

Trump showed that he can clean up DC, and that he could close the border, and that he could take out the Iranian nuke threat with one stroke.  By using DOGE-like efforts and cutting many billions of DEI and other wasteful spending, he is proving that nobody outside of USAID and the many hundreds of leftist NGOs they’ve been feeding will miss them.  Closing down the Department of Education will save us billions and cost our children’s actual education nothing.

Not all of Trump’s actions will be successful, of course.  And not every Democrat plan is doomed to fail. 

But as conservatives, Reality provides a nice tailwind for us, helping us along.  For the Dems, it’s a ferocious headwind to struggle against, forcing all of them to bend forward until they’re almost crawling, and threatening to toss them tumbling backwards, arse over teakettle. 

All of them except for JB Pritzker. 

Because if I can take a page from the Democrats’ hysterical handbook of smears, that Hippopomatic Hitler is huge!

Hamas delenda est!

Red and Blue See Crime & Punishment Very Differently (posted 8/18/25)

In recent decades, attitudes toward crime from the right and the left have diverged, not because the GOP has moved a lot, but because the Dems have raced to their extreme left.

Conservatives have always been enthusiastic about law and order, and prone to more vigorous law enforcement, and it’s no coincidence that red states are the ones who allow the death penalty.  The attitude of many conservatives has been parodied as, “If you kill someone in a red state, we’ll kill you back.”

And most of us don’t mind that jibe one bit.

While old-school Dems also wanted to live in crime-free communities, their approach to the justice system was heavy on the rehabilitation and light on the punishment.  They had some good points, and for prisoners who were willing to make changes in their lives and rehabilitate themselves, some good came out of that approach.  But nobody can say the results weren’t mixed, at best.

However, conservatives’ attitudes toward law enforcement have also been complicated, due to our instinctive skepticism about the encroachments of the power-hungry State.  Tensions were brought to the fore during covid, when conservatives in blue states had repeated and increasingly contentious run-ins with states who quickly instituted draconian restrictions, and then held onto them like grim Pelosi.

Sorry, that’s “grim death.”

Most blue states imposed mandatory lock-downs, mandatory school and business closings, mandatory masking, and Rube Goldberg rules about everything.  You had to wear a mask on a plane, but the airline served snacks…which you could eat by lowering your mask…but only for long enough to stuff some snacks into your mouth.   After which you should yank your mask back up, so you could aspirate a mouthful of peanuts and choke your way to a covid-less death.  Hooray for science!

You had to stay 6 feet apart, and could only occupy some buildings at 25% capacity – two numbers that were plucked out of thin air, and meant nothing.

California filled skate parks with sand…because young kids who were at no risk from the virus needed to be prevented from getting fresh air and exercise, lest they be slain by the virus that was no threat to them in the first place. 

California also arrested a guy who was paddle boarding.  Alone.  In the ocean.

So normally pro-law-enforcement conservatives became scofflaws during Covid.  Most of them will explain the contrast by drawing a distinction between laws – which we support pretty enthusiastically – and regulations – some of which are reasonable…but not many.

Traditional Democrats/leftists have usually been much more fond of regulations in general – they love to tell you what kinds of toilets or light bulbs or cars you may buy, and (recently) that you ladies must allow a creepy dude to watch you shower, while he levitates a towel in front of him without the use of his hands.

And you are legally required to call him “Crystal.” 

What has changed lately is that what had been the extreme fringe of the left has wrested away control of the Democrat party.  They have not just energetically piled into the lefty clown car, they’re now driving it!  

Consider the dramatic changes in just the last several decades.  In the early 1990s, Daniel Patrick Moynihan famously coined the phrase “defining deviancy down,” by which he meant permissively normalizing bad behaviors.  Some of those were social – removing the stigma from out-of-wedlock births, allowing “social promotion” of under-performing students in schools – but many involved the greater acceptance of criminal behavior.

Think about that.  Not that long ago – not in Pilgrim America, or Victorian England, but when Kurt Cobain was still alive! – one of the most influential Dems could write an essay calling for more stringent enforcement of traditional social and legal norms, and get a respectful hearing and a lot of support from elected and influential lefties all over the country.

Today, that world seems as dead and gone as Julius Caesar, or Joe Biden.

The dominant far-left – the group who cheers on the murder of a CEO by a trust-fund coward, who will elect Commie Mamdani in NYC, and who has stage-four TDS – has lost its ethical moorings when it comes to crime.  They’ll ignore and deny that crime is happening, and dare you to disagree.

Baltimore and New York City are as safe as Pennsylvania Dutch country during Amish-Fest.  Publicly defecating meth-enthusiasts in San Francisco are “outdoorsmen.”  Shambling armies of mentally ill addicts living in filthy tents all over LA and Seattle and Portland are “urban campers.”  Brother’s-widow-jumping addict Hunter Biden is “the smartest person I know.”    

Nearly a century ago, four gunmen killed seven rival gangsters in Chicago in the still-infamous “St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.”  Today, seven Chicagoans are killed every other weekend, and it barely makes the papers.  And if you do notice it, Mayor Brandon will call you a racist.

Even worse, lefty pols and media actively excuse the most brutal acts if they’re perpetrated by one of their pet victim groups.  The half-dozen black criminals who beat and stomped three defenseless middle-aged white folks in Cincinnati were defended by a black elected official on racial solidarity grounds, and by a black police official because the video you watched “lacked context.”

There is a silver lining in this mess, though, because the legacy media’s ridiculous crime coverage is giving them even more opportunities to discredit themselves.  They’ve already greatly decreased their ability to harm their enemies and help their friends.  Accusations of racism used to end careers; now they elicit mostly eye rolls.  Reports that some leftist project is succeeding or some rightist action is bringing about the apocalypse are both greeted with instinctive skepticism or outright disbelief.

And the Left’s doubling down on crime is putting them even more behind the 8-ball.  Trump’s move into DC has maneuvered them into insisting that DC is super safe, and the residents there resent law enforcement coming in and ham-handedly arresting all of the violent criminals who weren’t really there, and confiscating all the illegally-owned guns that don’t exist.  Or something. 

The infamous covid-era “mostly peaceful protests” (spoken by a leftist reporter in front of a block full of burning buildings) has now got two new contenders in dishonest cluelessness.  The first was CNN empty head Erin Burnett’s idiotic description of the whacko who killed three people in NYC a couple of weeks ago: “male, mustache, sunglasses, possibly white.”

Burnett immediately became a laughingstock, because viewers could see a picture in real time of the killer walking into the building while carrying a rifle.  Burnett was referencing that picture, and she got the male, facial hair, and sunglasses parts right.  

But that guy was as white as Liz Warren is Cherokee.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher) 

The sunglasses hid his eyes – which in subsequently released pics had an Asian look to them – but he was clearly black, and it wasn’t a close call.  He had a short Afro, and he looked like if John Shaft and Billy Dee Williams had had a baby. 

By the way, this just in from Cincinnati: Seven people have been arrested in the beatings, and they include a Montianez, a Jermaine, a Dekyra, a Dominique, and an Aisha. 

Or, as Erin Burnett would put it, “they’re all possibly white.” 

The second contender in the leftist cover-up sweepstakes comes to us from New Jersey, courtesy of a “journalist” named Dana DiFilippo.  Dana was covering the story of an illegal alien named Raul Luna-Perez, who was picked up for DWI three times in four months.  The third time, he caused a wreck that killed a woman and her daughter.

So Perez is an illegal who could have been detained and deported just for that.  And he should have been arrested, detained, convicted and eventually deported for either of his first two DWIs.  But it’s a blue state, so he was able to go for the drunk driving hat-trick, and kill two innocent people.  But at least he was jailed and held for trial and eventual deportation then, right?

Have you not been paying attention?  Blue state.  Leftist judge. 

So he was released pending his trial. (Fortunately, Biden and Que Mala lost last November, so he was quickly picked up by ICE, and is no longer on our streets.)

So how did Dana cover this story?  First, she called Perez an “undocumented immigrant.” Because of course she did. 

Then she said that he was “at the center of an immigration fight between Trump and NJ’s Governor.”  Nice use of the passive voice there.  He’s not an illegal immigrant serial drunk-driving killer.  He’s just caught up in a fight between Bad Orange Man and NJ governor of indeterminate political persuasion.

But the part of her one-paragraph post that caused Dana to quickly delete her entire X account and flee into the night came next, when she claimed that Perez “had a largely clean driving record, despite prior DUI arrests.” 

Let that sink in.

Wouldn’t Dana make a great defense lawyer? 

“Your Honor, members of the jury, my client Mr. Bundy has met literally THOUSANDS of women in his lifetime, and he’s accused of murdering no more than a few dozen of them, tops.  I’d call that a largely clean dating record. I rest my case.”

Ugh.  We don’t hate the media enough, people.

But we’re getting there.            

Hamas delenda est!

Tim Walz Thinks He Can Talk to Regular Guys, & a Greek Lady Blows Herself Up (Posted 5/5/25)

I’ve got a hodge podge of stories for you this Monday, starting with the results from Friday’s semi-final round of the April Moron of the Month competition.  This vote was the closest so far, with Chris Van Halen edging out the broke baristas and Grandma Squanto to move on from the southern division.

So the competition has come down to four finalists, in reverse chronological order: 

Chris Van Hollen in his role as a dim-witted Juliet with a school-girl crush on brooding, gang-banging wife-beater Kilmar “Romeo” Garcia

Michelle Obama for her performance as a narcissist, and also a bitter, angry, black woman upset by the stereotype of black women as angry and bitter  

Elie Mystal, a racist, public “intellectual” who apparently thinks the constitution was written after 1965, and

Jasmine “Lashes” Crockett, another thick-as-a-whale-omelette racist who thought she was taking the moral high ground by arguing that we should allow illegals to stay here because… wait for it… we need them to be our slaves! 

If you need to refresh your memory on the finalists, you can see their nominating write-ups in four of my April columns, available at Martinsimpsonwriting.com.  Get your votes in this week, and I’ll announce the winner on Friday.  

Among the many worthy contestants I could have written about as April MOM contestants was former VP candidate Tim Walz, who recently gave a speech at Harvard (because of course he did) that touched on why Que Mala chose him as her VP pick. 

You’ve all heard his explanation: “I could code talk to white guys watching football, fixing their truck, doing that, that I could put them at ease.  I was the permission structure to say, ‘Look, you can… vote for this.”

Or maybe we can’t.

I don’t claim to be King of the White Guys with pickup trucks who like football – though I am a member of the Ruling Council – but phony phrases like “code talking” are just the kind of idiotic language that we laugh at during our Council meetings. 

The word “code” implies some mysterious language, shared by a small in-group that is opaque to the larger world.  It calls to mind secret writing in invisible ink, Enigma machines, or Navajo code-talkers who outfoxed our enemies in WWII by using their obscure dialect that no outsiders could understand.

But men are almost half of the population, and we’re not particularly mysterious.  A thousand hack comics have done a thousand cliched bits about the limited set of interests – in addition to the aforementioned football and pickup trucks – that most men have: ancient Rome, World War II, action movies, women with a .7 waist-to-hip ratio and who like men, and 2-3 items from the following list: fishing, hunting, MMA, booze, cigars, and guns. 

Even when it comes to politics, we’re pretty predictable.  Give us lower taxes, law and order, free speech, merit-based rules, men kept out of women’s sports and spaces, and the right to shoot criminals who try to victimize us, and we’re good. 

Did you notice some of the stuff NOT on that list?

Jazz hands, crazy wives, tampons in men’s bathrooms, struggling to load a shotgun as if you’d never seen a shotgun before, and abandoning your National Guard unit right before you’re supposed to deploy with them to a war zone.  

Oh, and you know what NO pick-up driving, football-watching white guy would EVER seek from a theatre-kid, Temu Midwestern guy weirdo in a million years? 

“Permission” to vote the way we want to.

Which leaves only one thing we agree with Tim Walz about: he’s a knucklehead.

From Greece comes a new entry in the “Stupid Criminals” category:  

I have not kept up on a lot of current events in Greece, but apparently they’ve got a problem with crime, just like everywhere else.  Some of that problem comes from radical leftist groups who think that using violence to achieve their political ends is justified. 

Unexpectedly!

One such group calling itself Revolutionary Class Struggle – I hereby subtract 10 points for lack of originality – has recently decided to start bombing public buildings such as train stations.  One of their suspected members, a 38-year-old woman with a criminal record, carried out another bombing last Saturday morning.  

Her target was a bank building’s ATM.  She was apparently a firm believer in the old Greek saying, “Αν θέλετε κάτι να γίνει σωστά, κάντε το μόνοι σας.”  (“If you want something done right, do it yourself.”)

Because she took the bomb to the bank herself.  Unfortunately for her, just when she got to the site, she experienced the heartbreak of premature detonation.  She was carrying the bomb in her hands when it went off, and was so badly wounded that she was rushed to a nearby ancient amphitheater, where she died dramatically on stage.

Just kidding.  She was taken to a hospital and died there.  

No security video from the ATM has been released, but I’m guessing it sounded something like this:

“iii laos, enomenos, den mporei pote na ittithei – mpoum!”

Translation: “The people, united, can never be defeat—Boom!”

Followed by: “och!  ta car mou!  metaniono amesos gia tis apophases mou!”

Translation: “Ouch!  My hands!  I immediately regret my decisions!”

You may be wondering, “Martin, do you think your old Greek professor would be proud of you using English-to-Greek translation software to make fun of a leftist Greek terrorist getting blown up by her own bomb, instead of translating Aristotle, or the New Testament?”

Fine.  You got me.  I’m a complicated man, and though I love Greek philosophy and the New Testament, I’m also not above enjoying a little Three-Stooges-style illustration of the “you reap what you sow” verses.   

Especially when it comes at the expense of a would-be terrorist who apparently knew as little about bombs as Tim Walz knows about shotguns.

And just like the citizens of California, and New York, and Illinois, and other blue states and cities all over the world, that Greek gal learned a valuable, universal lesson: leftist plans tend to blow up in your face!

Okay, that’s it for my Monday column. 

Over the next several days, I’m going to post a few columns that are unusual for me.  I’ve been corresponding with several lefty friends, and one of them challenged me on the question of rule of law, and what I think of Trump’s defying SCOTUS in getting Kilmar back from El Salvador.  I gave him my thoughts, but also pointed out the many ways that Biden (and Obama) have defied the rule of law and the courts.

I then got to thinking about the nature of SCOTUS, and the ways in which its past and recent actions could potentially lead to an actual “constitutional crisis” – unlike the faux ones that the left imagines every time Trump does something they don’t like.

The result is several columns’ worth of my more-sober-than-usual thoughts on the courts.  I’ll be interested in seeing what many in CO nation think of those, and especially what any lawyers here may add, in terms of corrections and explanations…

Hamas delenda est!

I Won’t Miss the AP, or Joy Reid (posted 2/27/25)

Well, we’re back from Tennessee, and as usual the firehose of ridiculous political news has not let up.  So I’ve got a column today, with another one to follow tomorrow.

First though, I read all the comments on my Monday column, but didn’t have time to respond to them.  But I appreciate all of the kind words, and am glad that my Yosemite bathroom scenario landed.  However, I did not mean to impugn the fine people in the Master Locksmiths community! 

On the contrary, I intended to poke a little gentle fun at the hysterical leftists who are suggesting that firing one man with one bathroom key at Yosemite has caused our entire national park system to collapse.

One other bit of business: I have to give a shout out to Robert Desmond and Frederick Beal, two of the finest Americans in this or any other generation. 

Am I saying that just because they hit my Tip Jar hard last week?  (Which can be found at my webpage, Martinsimpsonwriting.com.) 

Maybe.  But I also like the cut of their respective jibs, and believe that they’ve demonstrated the kind of class and taste that should be a model for us all.  Not to mention their fantastic discernment when it comes to how to spend their political-humor-column dollar.  I thank and salute you, Desmond and Beal! (And though I’m no career counselor, that would make a hell of a law or accounting firm name.  Or possibly a regionally popular folk music duo.)

Okay, on to the cavalcade of imbeciles on the left over the last several days…

I’ve enjoyed watching the AP getting their gender nonbinary onesies over their heads and throwing a tantrum because Trump is keeping them out of the White House press conferences and off of Air Force One until they call the former Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America. 

And because this is 2025 in America, when lefties throw a tantrum, it means crying in court.  The AP took their complaint to a District Court judge, who ordered an expedited consideration of their lawsuit, while refusing to give them an immediate TRO.    

My first instinct on hearing Trump’s name change for the Gulf was that it was a funny trolling of the left – what’s good for Comrade Goose is good for Commissar Gander, after all – but that it was also kind of silly.  But now that I’ve seen the left’s reaction to it, the idea has grown on me.

AP has insisted that they won’t bend the knee to Trump on this.  Or, I guess, bend the tongue?  (For anyone who just made up their own Kamala-interviews-with-Willie-Brown joke, grow up!) 

(Also: HA!)

Many people may feel like Trump is bullying AP by trying to coerce their use of his preferred language.  But I’ve had long experience with the AP, and that experience leads me to a different conclusion.

Regular readers may remember that I was an English professor for 30 years, before I retired to go into full-time hilarious genius-ing for CO Nation.  During much of that time, I used an influential citation and reference work called The AP Style Guide, which set standard usage rules for writers in many fields and majors.  As a young prof, many of my department-dictated syllabi required that students buy the AP guide. 

But as I gained seniority, wisdom and perspicacity – and the ability to throw around words like “perspicacity” – I also got more control over my syllabi and reading lists.  And I stopped requiring students to buy the AP guide.  Because it became more and more politically tendentious and hectoring. 

(I know: pretty perspicacious use of both “tendentious” and “hectoring,” right?  You’re not going to hear those in one of AOC’s or Aunty Maxine Waters’ low-IQ rants.)

Anyway, my point is that AP loves shaming and coercing undergrads into repeating their preferred terminology, using the threat of a lower GPA to force them into a twisted game of “Stalin Says.”  (It’s like “Simon Says,” but with more totalitarian humorlessness.)

The AP guide says that when writing about races of people, you must capitalize the first letter of “Black,” but keep the lower case for “white.”  It also decrees that illegal aliens should be called “undocumented,” that mothers be called “birthing persons,” and that gender denying mutilations be called “gender affirming care.”  

Also according to the AP, we’ve always been at war with Eastasia, and war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength.

Oddly enough, AP has happily gone along with various past examples of political name changes, including agreeing to call Mt. McKinley “Denali,” the nation of Turkey “Turkiye,” and Kiev  “Kyiv.”

But I guess it’s (D)ifferent when Trump is the one making the name change.

I’m looking forward to seeing how this childish resistance ends.  Will the AP stubbornly consign themselves to forever sitting and pouting at the media kiddies’ table, rather than submit to the mean orange man the way they force cowed undergrads to submit to them?

Or will they finally surrender?  If so, I hope that Trump really rubs it in.  I picture him standing in front of a map of the northern hemisphere with a pointer in his hand, tapping one re-named feature after another. 

Trump (pointing to the former Greenland): What’s this called?

AP (mumbling): Trumpland.

Trump (tapping Canada): And this?

AP: the 51st state, America’s Evil Top Hat

Trump (tapping the former Denali): And this?

AP: Mt. McKinley

Trump (tapping a spot in South Dakota):  And this?

AP: Mount Trumpmore

Trump (tapping the Gulf): And this?

AP (staring at their shoes and muttering): The Gulf of America.

Trump (cupping a hand behind his ear):  I can’t hear you.

AP (louder): The Gulf of America!

Trump:  That’s better.  Now bend over, and I’m going to give you one stroke on the seat of your pants with this pointer for every day you got that wrong.

And, scene.   

I’ve got time for one more brief note, and it’s the feel-good story of the week: the firing of whitey-hating bile spewer, Joy Reid by MSNBC. 

You may remember Reid as the mean-spirited racial arsonist who gleefully sneered about “the white tears” of unfairly prosecuted people like Kyle Rittenhouse, non-violent J-6ers, and Catholic abortion protestors.    

My smokeshow wife (of Norwegian descent) remembers Reid mostly as a culturally appropriating scammer who adopted an unconvincing version of the blonde hair proudly worn by her Viking ancestors.  (“My culture is not your costume!” she may have shouted at our tv.) 

Reid’s show, like much of the pap on MSNBC and CNN, has taken a huge drop since the election, losing more than half of its already pathetic audience.  On one hand that makes sense, since getting so thoroughly stomped in an election would naturally depress her viewers. 

On the other hand, I think the kind of dead-enders who would still be watching Reid’s program before 11/5 would be motivated mostly by race-hatred, bitterness and incipient mental illness anyway, all of which she has catered to after the election as much as she did before.

Most leftist talking heads – as well as Reid herself – blamed… wait for it… racism and sexism for her firing.

Unexpectedly!

But you’d think that her latest horrifically low ratings would give even those blockheads pause.  Because in a nation of around 330 million people, Reid has recently had 59,000 viewers in the key demo of 18-49 year olds. 

59,000!  On what passes for a major tv network!  By comparison, on the slowest of nights, the RDN (Ring Doorbell Network) captures 100K viewers, and a recent two-part special entitled, “Latex vs Oil-Based?” on the WPDN (Watching Paint Dry Network) was seen by 70K viewers.  

Reid’s final show was the only must-see tv she ever participated in, and then only because she actually cried in the final moments before well-deserved obscurity descended upon her like J.B. Pritzker descending on a giant ice-cream cake. (#putdownthatcomicallyoversizedturkeyleg) 

I’m too much of a gentleman to mock Reid’s “black tears.”  In fact, she might have actually been comforted to see the white tears I cried as MSNBC tossed her under the garbage truck that Trump drove to one of his campaign events. 

Until she realized that those were white tears…of laughter.

Hamas delenda est!

Turn the EOs into Laws, Settle the Filibuster, + David Hogg Bellies up to the Trough (posted 2/17/25)

Regular readers know that I am enjoying the Trumpkrieg™ as much as anybody. But I’m concerned that I haven’t heard much about following up the quick and easy victories of Executive Orders by pushing bills that will codify them into law. (I know, EOs are neither as quick nor easy as they should be, since the left has an army of biased judges who can temporarily delay their implementation. But I’m confident that they will still be enacted relatively quickly.)

I love the bracing effect of a volley of EOs unleashed on Biden’s legacy, like the first fusillade sent down range against the enemy after a besieged Marine unit receives fresh ammo in the middle of a battle.

But EOs alone produce a “sugar high” that quickly dissipates. In 2017 Trump wiped away a bunch of Obama’s EOs. (And there was joy and rejoicing amongst right-thinking people!) Then Biden wiped away Trump’s EOs in 2021. (And darkness descended.) And now Trump is returning the favor.

Since anything done by EOs can be undone by them, we need to move quickly to pass laws, especially in areas where we’ve got the “80” position on an 80/20 issue. Use the same EO language to pass laws banning men from women’s sports, locker rooms and prisons, for example.

Then, when the Dems take back the White House (shudder), rather than just signing an EO that lets men start beating women in sports and raping them in prisons again, the Dem president (shudder) will have to go to the American people and say, “Let’s let the dudes back into women stuff.”

Good luck with that, hypothetical future Democrat president! (hypothetical shudder)

In some cases, we might not need this. For example, the EO on birthright citizenship is heading to SCOTUS, and they could rule correctly, giving the ban the force of law going forward.

But I’m still a belt-and-suspenders guy: even if SCOTUS might do the right thing eventually, it would be nice to try to pass a law explicitly ending birthright citizenship. Even if it didn’t pass the first time, getting a bunch of Dems on record opposing it would help us whip a bunch of them in a future election, and then maybe a second attempt would be successful.

The same should happen for all of our 80/20 issues. Put them on the floor, and force the Dems to vote against them.

I saw one intriguing way to possibly bolster this effort. (I’d give credit to the writer if I remembered where I saw it. Maybe on the Daily Wire?) The idea is that the GOP congress should immediately propose and start pushing a law codifying the filibuster for regular legislation, with a one-year deadline to pass it.

But the GOP should warn the Dems that if by the end of next January they have successfully opposed it and it hasn’t passed, the GOP will immediately kill the filibuster themselves, and jam through every bit of legislation that Trump wants. In that context, smart Dems would have a big incentive to vote for legislation to keep the filibuster, knowing that if they don’t, the GOP is going to run rough-shod for the next year, and possibly 3 years.

So far, the filibuster has only been a customary practice, which we saw when Harry Reid threw it out for lower court judge confirmations, thus allowing us to put judges on SCOTUS with 51 votes. (HA!) And before the election, many Dems were saying they would get rid of the filibuster for all legislation, arguing that the evil GOP was “thwarting the will of the people” by adhering to it.

As an O.G. conservative, I like the filibuster, because it prevents faddish passions from driving whiplashing policies. But a prerequisite for a functional filibuster is the existence of two sides operating in good faith, so that some party members are willing to cross party lines to support reasonable ideas proposed by the opposition.

Does ANYBODY think that’s the world we’re living in? If Trump gets to nominate someone for SCOTUS, and there are 47 Dem senators, and there is no way that any Trump nominee will get more than one Dem vote. (Zero, if a second coconut falls on Fetterman’s head and he reverts to his leftist priors.)

So why would I want to keep the filibuster? Because as much of an obstacle as it is to us now, if it were codified into law it would be much harder to overturn, and will thus be a similar obstacle when the Dems get a small majority later.

However, if the Dems don’t take the deal by next January, we can’t continue to live by rules that we know the Dems will trash as soon as they regain power. Toward the end of Biden’s term, they seriously talked about killing the filibuster, stacking the SCOTUS and adding Puerto Rico and DC as new states. And they likely would have done AT LEAST the former if they’d won in November.

So let’s force the issue. If they want to play by the rules, that’s our thing. But if they expect to change the rules to gain an unfair advantage, we’ve got to beat them at their own game, by beating them to the punch.

Because like the big guy in the new Army ad said: Stronger parties are harder to kill.

Switching gears, I’ve got some fun examples of recent leftist self-owns, but this column is getting long, so I’ll save them for Wednesday.

In the meantime, I’m happy to report that the choice of Lil’ Davy Hogg as the DNC vice chair is already paying dividends.

For us.

Remember when Cankles McPantsuit and the rest of the left were making fun of Elon’s DOGE tech wizard wunderkinder because they were so young? (This was about two weeks ago.) But then the DNC picked their own 24-year-old blunderkind. And he immediately showed that he’d learned from his leftist elders by starting a money-making grift for himself.

He used the party’s “sucker list” to solicit donations for his own private PAC, which pays him over $100K per year.

Sorry, that was supposed to be “donor list.”

Or was it?

Anyway, the smarter Democrats – I know: they can fit in a phone booth at this point – are probably realizing that they screwed the pooch by electing Hogg.

Ooh, which reminds of this older tweet of Hogg’s that I just came across: “I’m never planning on having kids. I would much rather own a Porsche and have a Portuguese water dog and golden doodle. Long term it’s cheaper, better for the environment and will never tell you that it hates you or ask you to pay for college.”

So many thoughts. Starting with, on the list of things to worry about happening in the future, Davy Hogg fathering kids is not one of them. Because: biology.

Second, if he does manage to impregnate somebody, and if future college admissions are offered based on merit (Because: Trump!), I don’t think Davy will have to worry about paying for college for any dullards he manages to sire.

My favorite part of this story is the name of Hogg’s political action committee: “Leaders We Deserve PAC.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Hogg/Warren 2028!

Lefties Aren’t Giving Up, But They’re Not Winning – Especially in Florida (posted 1/10/25)

Well, it’s only 10 days until this madness ends, and the comic buffoonery just keeps coming at us.

Grandma Squanto, for example, is riding scout on some of Trump’s cabinet nominees, especially Pete Hegseth.  She got out front with a 33-page letter detailing all of her many objections to him.  For example, she’s really freaked out by his scary Christian tattoo, taking her cue from some nitwit who associated the tat with “right-wing extremism.”  Which, I’m pretty sure, is just another word for “Christian” in her mind. 

She wrote, “We cannot have a [SecDef] whose fellow servicemembers feel concerned enough about to report as a potential insider threat.”  Got that?  One quivering, low-T military desk-rider got his/her gender non-binary onesie over its head because of Pete’s icky tattoo, and now he can’t be in the defense department.

I’ve heard of a “heckler’s veto” before, but this is the first time I’ve seen a “hysteric’s veto.”  That’s not the way you run a military, Liz.

I get it, though.  The defense department is very triggering for her.  (Or I guess in her case, very “bow-stringing”?) (#wemustneverstopmockingher)  After all, her ancestral people have a pretty lousy win-loss record against the US military. 

I mean sure, they won at the Little Big Horn, but other than that…

Warren also has her deerskin panties in a bunch (#neverstop) because of Hegseth’s criticism of DEI idiocy in the military.  “I think we all know that the Founding Fathers wanted above all that we should judge each other by the color of our skin.  Which, as you can clearly see in my case, is a glorious, deep red.”  (#nevernevernever)

Okay, I made that quote up.  But I think I accurately conveyed the gist of her ridiculous argument.

Meanwhile, the used-to-be-funny Jon Stewart has tacitly admitted what terrible candidates Brandon and Que Mala were, but he still felt obligated to praise how virtuous she was when she presided over the Ceremonial Stating of the Obvious, i.e. the certification of Trump’s victory. 

Steward couldn’t resist taking a shot at Trump in the process, saying how smoothly democracy can work when “you don’t act like a little bitch when you lose.” 

Um, Hillary Clinton and Stacy Abrams are probably watching, Jon.  As well as the dozens of Democrat congresscreeps who protested and came out against certifying that Trump had won in 2016.  Have a little empathy for crying bitches everywhere, why don’t you?

On the anny-tray front (I’m still not sure that the FB “fact-checkers” have really been disbanded), I’ve got two stories, one from California and one from Florida.  And the ending of these stories tells you a lot about why people have been moving from the former to the latter.

California first.  The firefighting policies and personnel in LA have received a lot of attention this week, since the city appears to be burning to the ground.  You’ve probably already heard about the head of the LAFD – a sapphic gal named Kristen Crowley – on account of the glowing press she received for becoming the first LGBTQ person to hold her position.  You won’t be shocked to learn that she’s a big fan of DEI.

Naturally, she hired an Assistant Fire Chief (and, I’m not making this up, head of the DEI Bureau) who is a rotund African-American woman named Kristine Larson.  In a recent video, she stated one of the common, patronizing tropes of DEI enthusiasts: that when people call for a firefighter (or cop, or presidential candidate), they “want someone that looks like you.” 

Does anyone really believe that? What if you’re a wheelchair-bound Indonesian octogenarian lady and your house is burning down?  Are you hoping to see a wrinkly firefighter roll up and over your threshold in her wheelchair, completely out of breath, so that you can both have a nice chat about pronouns while you burn to death in your wheelchairs together?

I know what you’re thinking.  “Martin, she could not possibly say anything stupider than that!” 

Au contraire, mon frere.  Because Larson then said, “Hold my nasal cannula, and watch this.”

And she raised the obvious objection that any sentient mammal would have when faced with someone advocating choosing firefighters not because they are physically capable of fighting fires, but because of the color of their skin and the nature of their genitalia.

She imagines a citizen saying, “Is she strong enough to do this, or you couldn’t carry my husband out of a fire?”  In a sane world, she’d pause for a minute, then began to sweat and blush, and say, “Holy crap.  That’s a great question!  My position on this has been embarrassingly stupid.  I hereby resign from my job.”

But this isn’t a sane world.  It’s Los Angeles.  So what Kristine Larson really said was, “To which my response is, ‘He got himself in the wrong place if I have to carry him out of a fire.’”

That’s a real thing that she said.  If people are trapped in fires, the Assistant Fire Chief thinks that they’ve gotten themselves into the wrong place.  And she’s very disappointed in them. 

I have no words.   Except, “Idiot!”  And, “Moron!”

And, “Great job, Democrat voters of LA and California!” 

So LA has hired and given power to this woman, and her similarly wokified boss, and who knows how many others like her.  And LA is now the World’s Biggest Dumpster Fire™. 

UNEXPECTEDLY!

Meanwhile, in Florida, an equally gender confused oddball posted an obnoxiously creepy celebratory video about how he had tricked the evil state of Florida into giving him a driver’s license that listed his sex as female.  He explains that he “lost” his driver’s license, and then took in his passport that identifies him as a woman, thus forcing them to give a replacement license that says he’s a woman.

Just from watching the video, you know the kind of rich fantasy life this guy has, because he also becomes giddy at the thought that Ron DeSantis must be running around in a rage and defecating on himself because his will has been thwarted by this stalwart gender warrior.

First, that’s Joe Biden you’re thinking of, and he’s going to be gone in 10 days!

Second, the state of Florida’s reaction was 24-karat gold!  When some people in Florida’s DMV saw this guy’s video, they quickly sent him a letter thanking him for bringing to their attention the loophole he had exploited, and notifying him that his incorrect license had been invalidated.  They pointed out that they are now investigating other such cases, and will ensure that nobody else is able to follow his example.  The letter also hinted that he might be looking at charges, since falsely claiming that you’ve lost your license in order to get a fraudulently altered replacement would be considered a felony.

The envelope also contained his new, valid driver’s license, which correctly identifies him as a male.  To which any compassionate person can only have one reaction.  Which is… HA! HAHA! HAHAHAHA!

Actually, since it’s a new year, and one of my resolutions is to become a kinder and gentler Martin, I will honestly say that we should pray for confused people like this guy.  If he’s got actual gender dysmorphia, that’s got to be a horrible illness, and we should hope that he gets the treatment that he needs. 

Even if he’s just following some kind of social contagion, he still has to be deeply unhappy, as anyone who dedicates his life to fighting against reality is bound to be.  His obnoxious and disturbing behavior aside, it’s pitiable that he’s placed so much emphasis on getting official documents that wrongly label him, as if that has any effect on the reality of who he is. 

Really.  Can you imagine getting giddy with childish excitement when you temporarily trick some state agency into confirming your dishonest statement about yourself on a document?  That would be like a childless man ordering a “World’s Greatest Dad” mug from Amazon, and then shrieking and running around like he just won the lottery when he unwrapped it beside his mailbox. 

So as much as I might initially enjoy watching his celebratory video, followed quickly by learning his getting a karmic beat-down, I feel bad for the poor, deluded guy.  Because I’ve got news for him: getting bitch-slapped by conservative reality doesn’t make you a woman. 

Just ask Tim Walz, Jon Stewart, Robert DeNiro, Michael Moore, Rob Reiner, or Justin Trudeau.

Okay.  Justin Trudeau might be the exception that proves the rule. 

10 days left, people!

Good News out of Cali, Mika & Joe Beclown Themselves, & Josh Shapiro Hurts Himself (posted 11/20/24)

As we celebrate a fortnight since the election that may have saved America, more good news continues to ripple through the land, like aftershocks from the most pleasurable earthquake ever. 

For example, I’d overlooked the good election news out of California, which shouldn’t be that easy to do, since there’s generally not that much of it.  But it’s worth remembering that CA took a turn toward Trump, just as the other big blue states did, even though it makes for a good news/bad news story.

Over the last several decades, CA Dems had voted in a bunch of soft-on-crime numbskulls to carry out soft-on-crime policies, which was bad news.  Then they reaped what they had sown – spikes in shoplifting, car theft, robberies, assaults and other assorted violence – which was good news, since they got what they voted for… good and hard.

Then two weeks ago they partially reversed course, which is very good news.  Voters tossed out crime-enabling bonehead San Francisco mayor London Breed, as well as crime-embracing Soros puppet and cartoon villain LA District Attorney George Gascon, who lost by over 20 points.

Oakland’s Mayor Sheng Thao spent her time in office defying the stereotype that Asians are smart. News reports called her “a far-left progressive who just a few years back supported slashing the police budget, reimagining what policing should look like, and investing in unarmed ‘violence interrupters’.”

I love that term!  By “violence interrupters” she meant well-meaning social worker types, but Oakland residents probably knew them by a more common-sense term: “bullet-absorbing good-for-nothings.” 

(“Violence interrupter” would be a better name for a shotgun, or maybe a WWII bomber.  You point the former at a Biden voter who’s attacking you, or you fly the latter over Hiroshima – post-Pearl Harbor, Rape of Nanking and Bataan Death March – and boom!  Violence interrupted.)

Anyway, Sheng Thao got the heave ho on November 5th. 

So did Prop 47, the brilliant “Please Feel Free to Shoplift up to $950 Worth At a Time” law that Californians passed ten years ago.  On Tuesday they replaced that with Prop 36, the “Never Mind – Shoplifting’s Illegal Again” law. 

Sadly, my old home state of Illinois is still governed by J.B. Pritzker (D-irigible), and he’s not done with the stupidity yet.  A few days after Trump’s victory, Pritzker doubled down on his trans fanaticism.  He’s already required that boys who say they’re girls can play on girls’ sports teams and use their bathrooms, and he’s used Medicaid funding to pay for horrific gender surgeries on minors.

Most people are assuming that Trump will not allow Medicaid funds to continue being misused in that way.  However, even though Illinois is broke and getting broker, Governor Goodyear is declaring Illinois essentially a sanctuary state for gender-confused people looking to carve themselves up.  I’m guessing that he’ll be putting Illinois taxpayers on the hook for those surgeries from now on.

I’m no psychiatrist, but I will humbly suggest that it is much easier, psychologically speaking, for a governor to be okay with mentally distressed guys cutting off their junk if he has not seen his own junk in decades. 

#putdownthatgiantturkeyleg

#pushawayfromthetable

Meanwhile, lefty media types are roasting Morning Joe and Mika, after they went to Berchtesgaden – which Whoopi assures me is German for “Mar-a-Lago” – for a meeting with Trump.   

I don’t know if you all are history buffs, but not since the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact have I seen commies so eager to meet with a Nazi before.

Their decision to obsequiously seek an audience with Trump after they’ve spent years calling him a fascistic, dictatorial, Hitlerian, existential threat to America perfectly illustrates the bind that the leftists have put themselves in. 

They know he’s not Hitler.  But now he’s going to spend four years not just being NOT Hitler, but being a veritable un-Hitler.  In fact, he’ll be 99% less Hitler-y than Joe Biden and Obama and Merrick Garland and Imhotep Pelosi and most of the top Dems have been for the past 4-12 years.   

And boy, will that make the leftist elites look increasingly dishonest and/or hysterical!  Thankfully, the internet is forever, and we’ve got hundreds of hours of their apocalyptic posturing that we’ll be able to hang around their necks like a Pritzker-sized albatross with a Hitler mustache.     

Speaking of albatrosses around hypocritical Democrats’ necks – and how’s that for a seamless transition? – the creepy attempt to steal the Pennsylvania Senate seat should come back to haunt Josh Shapiro. 

Shapiro had been about the only Democrat who came through this Schiff-show of an election with his reputation untarnished.  Most of the others looked like either evil schemers (“Joe Biden is sharp as a tack, and Trump is Orange Hitler who called white supremacists ‘fine people’.”) or complete morons (“We’ve got a billion dollars, the public doesn’t care about inflation or the border, and every voter does what Queen Latifah and Bruce Springsteen tell them to!”)

But Shapiro had dodged a bullet by not being picked by the Cackler to be her partner on the political Hindenburg that was her campaign.  And he had the great advantage of being compared to Tampon Tim as Harris/Walz exploded and plunged to the ground. 

People said that Shapiro was popular in PA and would have won the state for Harris, and that he was smarter than Walz (duh!).  He also got some victim points – which is like bitcoin for leftists – because he’d been passed over because of anti-Semitism.

Overall, he had navigated the 2024 disaster and come out without a scratch.

Until now.  Because after the PA election was called for McCormick, Bob Casey went old-school Democrat, and started cheating with both hands and in plain sight.  When the vote count had clearly gone against him, he refused to concede.  (Remember when that was election denying, and treason, and disqualifying, and Not Who We Are?)

As things got more desperate, a panel of three Democrat officials openly admitted that they were counting illegitimate ballots – ones without signatures, dates or security envelopes, as the state’s laws clearly require – in blatant violation of a recent PA State Supreme Court ruling.    

One sleaze ball county commissioner said, in front of cameras, “I think we all know that precedent by a court doesn’t matter anymore in this country.  People violate laws anytime they want.  So, for me, if I violate this law, it’s because I want a court to pay attention.”

Democrat officials in several other counties went along with the same illegal strategy, and counted more illegal ballots.  The totals in the reports I read suggest that around 1,000 – 2,000 such ballots were involved.    

The optics of this cheating are obviously terrible for the Dems, especially since they impeached Trump – and Fani Willis has tried to jail him – for what they falsely claim is the exact type of cheating they are now doing, in broad daylight!     

And throughout all of this, Josh Shapiro has stood by silently, giving his tacit approval to Casey’s sordid machinations. 

Forget for the moment how morally wrong Shapiro’s behavior is, and consider how weapons-grade stupid it is!  Casey is trailing by around 26,000 votes, so there’s zero chance that there are enough illegal votes to change the outcome.  And it’s not like Casey’s seat would tip the balance in the Senate anyway!  It’s the 53rd GOP seat, and is therefore only marginally helpful.    

But beyond that, during such a long, nasty campaign, one of the few advantages the Dems had over Trump was that many voters thought they respect “our sacred democracy” more than Machiavellian Trump does.

And now Shapiro has squandered that by acting like a corrupt machine politician – an old-timey NYC Tammany Hall grifter, or a sleazy Chicago alderman winning with the cemetery vote! 

I’ve written before about the terrible bench the Dems have for the 2028 presidential race.  Everyone who ran in the 2020 primary is tainted. 

Mayor Pete disgraced himself with the maternity leave and train derailment; Bernie is 112 years old; Grandma Squanto is a laughingstock because of her vaudeville red-face routine (#wemustneverstopmockingher), and the rest were beaten by the ghost of Joe Biden.

Their governors (Hochul, Whitmer, Ken-Doll, Pritzker) are horrific, their senators are pathetic, and AOC has nothing going for her but a juicy booty (her words, not mine). 

The only nationally known Dem left standing on 11/6 was Josh Shapiro, and now he’s beclowned and besmirched himself.

How bad off are the Democrats today?  The first post-election poll of Dem voters asking who they’d support in 2028 came out yesterday.  Only 6 people made the list, and the bottom 5 only got between 4% – 8% each.

The clear front runner, at a dominating 41%?  I swear to you I am not making this up…

Kamala freaking Harris!

Now if you’ll excuse me, the dopamine and laughter are making me light-headed, so I have to lie down.       

Hamas delenda est!

Three Categories of Dems Suffering After the Election (posted 11/13/24)

As I am writing this, it has been exactly one week to the hour since the Trumpzilla stomped through the battleground states, crushing the pollsters beneath his mighty orange feet, scattering the he/shes and the Whoopies and the Joys, and trampling out the vintage where the shenanigans and graft were stored! 

Yes, the dopamine is still rolling through my veins, like the terrifying bouillabaisse of STDs in Bill Clinton’s!

So naturally, the soundtrack for today’s column is the manic “One Week,” from the pop band Barenaked Ladies.  If you haven’t heard it, you should listen now.  It’s an upbeat sprint with machine-gun-fast lyrics, a few of which fit perfectly with this glorious election.

I’m thinking specifically of the chorus, which I will subtly tweak here: 

“How can I help it if I think you’re funny when you’re mad?

Trying hard not to smile, though I don’t feel bad.

I’m the kind of guy who laughs at leftist funerals,

Can’t understand what I mean?  You soon will.

You came in cocky, with a hate-filled mania,

But I just heard that Donald Trump took Pennsylvania!”

If any of you in CO nation feel the creative juices flowing, feel free to tweak some of the lyrics and put them in the comments.  Here’s one more example, from the start of the fifth verse:

“Top commie Xi feels like a Chinese chicken,

Wants to take Taiwan but now the clock is tickin’

Thought he’d be okay with Harris in there,

‘cause there’s no there there,

But now it’s Trump and that’s a problem.”

Okay, enough frivolity.  In my next column I’m going to cover some of the good news that is coming out of the Trump camp, and which bodes well for the next four years.  But I’m not quite done with celebrating the obnoxiousness of the frustrated lefties and the fits they are still throwing about the election.

I’ve grouped these into three categories.  The first is the sad-sack, street-level Democrat foot soldiers.  They believed all the lies and propaganda they’ve been fed, and I actually feel sorry for them.  Most of them seem to have either had a rough childhood, or else they’ve been spoiled rotten, or they’ve been raised by some really sub-par, politically poisonous parents. 

I’m holding out hope that some in this category can still turn things around for themselves, if they can just accept and learn the lessons from the beating that reality just gave them last week.      

Perhaps the best examples of these are the far-left gender feminists who recorded hysterical videos and shaved their heads in protest of Trump’s election.  If I could just talk to them, face-to-face, I think I could explain the hilarious yet painful reality they’re going to face between now and the middle of February or so.  I would say something like this…

You’ve bought into the ginned-up hyperbole in media, Democrat and academic circles that Trump’s supporters are a threatening patriarchal army of storm troopers, and you’re the brave resistance, fighting the good fight from your romanticized underground.  You really believed that they are going to be coming for you, kicking in doors and dragging you off, forcing you into those idiotic Handmaid Tale outfits and breeding you against your will.

And now you’re going to spend the next two months commiserating with other paranoid lefties, re-shaving your head and putting on 25 pounds from binge/grief eating and preparing for the lowering of the Orange Curtain (so much worse than the Iron Curtain of your socialist co-religionists!) over your imagined Amerikka.

And then, a couple weeks after the inauguration, you’ll discover that no one has come for you.  You shaved your head, quit your job at the vegan bookstore, got a few more piercings and a Planned Parenthood solidarity tattoo on your right butt cheek, stopped paying the rent on your apartment (since you’ll soon be in a camp) and braced yourself for the ominous knock at your door. 

But nobody came.  Not on the first day of “Trump II: the Re-Trumpening.”  Not during the first or second week.   

And then you’ll stagger out into the street, bloated and bleary-eyed from crying yourself to sleep, blinking in the sunlight and running your hand over the ugly stubble on your stupidly shaved head.

And you’ll see happy and optimistic citizens, walking around with purpose as they begin to enjoy a newly liberated America, with an economy that’s picking up and civil rights that are being protected.  As if it were morning in America again. 

Because it is!

And it will start to dawn on you: We don’t hate you.  We don’t even know you.  Your angry social media manifestos and your slam poetry meant to overturn the capitalist system has had no impact, other than making you unnecessarily miserable.

The patriarchy isn’t afraid of you, or obsessed with controlling you.  It doesn’t care about you one way or the other, because it’s not really a thing.   You’re not a member of an exciting, transgressive new gender, because there are still only the two.    

You’re just a gullible goofball who fell for the lies of the most hateful, oppressive grifters to appear in America since the Democrat slaveholders were defeated by Lincoln and his Republican armies in the 1860s.

If you can accept that realization, and get through the shame, and repent – renouncing the leftist devils and all of their evil ways – we’d love to have you join us as we do our best to undo the damage of the last four years.        

(By the way, on your imbecilic charge of GOP “Nazism”, I am begging you to read just a little bit of history.  The acronym “Nazi” refers to a party of “German socialist workers.”  Hitler opposed international socialism NOT because he was a conservative/right-winger, but because he was a xenophobe who wanted a German NATIONAL socialism.  Do you see the through-line there?  Hitler vs. Stalin was a socialist-on-socialist battle royale.)

The second category is the professional class: organizers, bureaucrats and academics.  You may have seen the best example of this group: the video put up by a lefty woman named Arlene at 5:00 on election day.  Search for it under “Dr. Arlene Political Analyst.”

She laughs and smirks her way through telling the story of a lowly store clerk she encountered that day, when she was buying champagne to celebrate Kamala’s certain win that night.  When the clerk looked skeptical, Arlene explained to him – in 180-proof condescension – that Kamala was definitely going to win.

It all comes down to “reproductive rights” you see, and the abortion-loving women of America were going to dominate the ballot box.  In fact, Que Mala was going to sweep all 7 battleground states, plus Iowa!  When the poor male dullard still seemed skeptical, she said, “I’m a political analyst, and I’m telling you right now, she’s winning this election.”

Then she rubbed it in: “You do realize that you’ve wasted your vote, right?”  And then she cackled more obnoxiously than Kamala, which I wouldn’t have believed possible. 

If you watch the video, don’t forget to watch the sequel, which she recorded after Trump stomped Kamala.  Because her reaction is chef’s-kiss perfect.  The cackle and smirking are gone, but she has figured out why her flawless prediction was off. “There is one fundamental thing that you cannot account for when you are using data to predict the outcome of an election.  You can’t factor in the impact of racism and misogyny.” 

Unexpectedly!

I am afraid that there is less hope for this woman and the others in her category, because once you’ve acquired advanced degrees and achieved this level of narcissistic arrogance, it’s going to take a planetary extinction-level event to have any chance of piercing the reinforced shell of your immense self-regard with even a tiny bit of reality.

(By the way, this woman temporarily broke the SFPI© (Simpson Face Punchability Index).  The maximum score possible should be a perfect 10, but when I entered this video, the reading was 12.5.  I’ve got my engineering team working on the problem, but so far it seems like the extreme level of smugness overwhelmed the Index.)

The third and most rarified category of wrong-headed lefty is made up of the top of the pyramid, those who hold the most respected positions at the top of our supposedly elite cultural institutions.

The archetypal example here is the august membership of the NY Times Editorial Board.  This crazy cabal put out a 10-minute video last week entitled, “The Worst Version of a Trump Administration,” and it’s as wildly and irrationally apocalyptic as any of the crying leftist mental-patient TikTok videos. 

Each genius recorded his or her doomsday predictions, which are presented sequentially.  And each one is more unhinged than the last.  One white lady with a schoolmarm vibe warns that Trump will send troops into “neighborhoods like my own to round up undocumented immigrants… and set up a network of camps.” 

One of them solemnly fears his promise “to become a dictator on day 1.”  Another one says, with a straight face, that Trump might bomb Mexico. 

Something called “M. Gessen” – birth name “Masha,” but a non-binary “they/them” who is either a very homely woman, or a very frail and still homely man – says Trump will essentially destroy our institutions.  (On second glance, it/they appears to have a beard, but it’s the thinnest, wispiest beard imaginable, and seems to whisper “see what taking male hormones can do?”  So your guess is as good – and as gross – as mine.)

Charles “Boy Does He” Blow says that Trump’s policies are “democracy ending.”

Again, these are not the kind of rando-s you might expect to see on a “womyn’s TikTok forum,” or the lost and wandering souls milling around outside a methadone clinic.  They are the editorial board of the NEW YORK FREAKING TIMES!!

These are the people who generate and disseminate the paranoid fantasies that filter down to the professional category – providing them with the building materials for their arrogant self-image – and down to the foot-soldier category, trapping them in their unsophisticated, self-imposed misery.

I picture a carved sign over the NYT boardroom reading, “Abandon all Hope, Ye Who Enter Here,” because there must be a special place in hell for those who do this much damage to their society. 

I am almost convinced that they have to know that the cartoonish depiction of the unspeakable horrors of the coming Trump term is false.  How could they not? 

But then if they do know, how can they record this idiocy, knowing that they’re going to be exposed as either liars or fools?  This isn’t like global warming doomsday scenarios, when people saying America will be underwater in a century will be long dead before their predictions are disproved. 

These people will still be here in four years (with the possible exception of M. Gessen, who does not look well) when their paranoid fantasies will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are morons.

Let’s all save that video, and meet back here right before Christmas of 2028, when we can drink to the memories of P-Nut the Squirrel, Fred the Raccoon, and the disgraced members of the NYT Editorial Board.

Hamas delenda est!