In today’s column I’m going to focus on three women, one of whom I admire, and two of whom I don’t. In honor of a classic Clint Eastwood movie – which I just picked up from our library for a re-watch after many years – I’ll call this column the Good, the Bad, and… well… Michelle Obama.
First up is the Good, in the form of Tiffany Fong. I’d never heard of her before today, and after more research, she might turn out to be a weirdo. But for today at least, I’m a fan, because she had a great response to smelly Eric Swalwell.
Lately Swalwell has started doing these cringey short videos in which he pretends to be walking in public when he’s surprised by someone coming up and asking a political question. Then he gives an answer that shows the kind of brainpower that you might expect from someone who fell for a Chicom honeytrap.
In this case, his off-camera stooge asked him why Trump has now called on congress to release all of the Epstein files. Swalwell claims that Trump could have forcibly released the files on his own at any time, and then says, “Checkmate.”
He might as well have said “Coffee Mate” or “Ahoy, mate,” because that makes no sense. And of course it ignores the giant inconvenient fact that all Dems have been ignoring as they try to turn Epstein into a Trump problem: every day during the four years of the Biden nightmare, the Dems could have released the files in their entirety.
And now, because Trump hadn’t yet done what they never did, he’s an existential threat to democracy. Or something.
Enter Tiffany Fong, who I’m told is an attractive 20-something Asian-American gal. I can’t confirm that, because as regular readers know, ever since I first laid eyes on my smokeshow wife almost 40 years, all other women have become invisible to me. (Which reminds me: all of you who have been sending me all of those nude pics might as well cut it out. Though I do appreciate the thought.)
Fong’s response to Swalwell made me laugh out loud: “I feel like I could get you to some release some files.”
Yes! Fong played the Fang-Fang card. Well done!
I took a quick look at Fong’s X posts and found that she has an irreverent sense of humor. For example, “If your boyfriend is at a ‘No Kings” rally, that’s your girlfriend.”
She posted a pic of Grandpa Simpson storytelling in front of Bart and some kids, under the words, “Back in my day women had vaginas.”
She posted a Trump-esque troll-y painting of herself wearing vaguely colonial garb, only tighter. Behind her is a soft-focus American flag, she’s straddling a gatling gun, and a scowling, bad-ass eagle is perched on her left hand. The painting reads, “What the f*ck is a kilometer?”
After she posted that she’d voted for Trump, some hateful lefty group sarcastically awarded her “Chink of the Month,” and she responded snarkily: “Yay! I bring honor to my famiry!”
I like this gal.
Now onto the Bad, played today by Jasmine Crockett. (Unexpectedly!)
Everybody who knows anything about Crockett knows that she’s as phony as Liz Warren’s Cherokee heritage. (#wemustneverstopmockingher) She’s a spoiled rich kid who went to fancy private schools and used to speak grammatically correct English, but now she pretends to be a hood rat who can’t conjugate the verb “to be” correctly.
Don’t axe her why.
This week she was interviewed by a weirdo who calls himself “Larry the Fairy.” (Which rhymes, just like “nomen est omen.”) And he asks her, “So many MAGA women receive gender-affirming care such as lip fillers, breast augmentation, etc. Why do you think they are so against gender affirming care for trans people?”
She starts laughing, and literally stomping her hoof like that’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.
Sorry, “foot.” That should be “stomping her foot.”
Or should it?
As she is whinnying, the camera pans back, and we see that standing on the other side of her is a super-stable-looking drag queen dude – over 6 foot, giant pink wig and ridiculous caked-on makeup, wearing a dress that is struggling manfully to contain some serious flab-alanche-risk fat rolls. He’s probably there to make Jasmine look slim by comparison.
And he almost pulls it off.
So Jasmine waxes eloquent on the appearance of conservative women thusly: “So I have this thing where like, you know a MAGA woman, when you see one, they all have a look, right? Like they lips be like (gestures to her mouth), anyway, that’s a whole other issue.”
Yes. “They lips be all like this,” says the woman whose parents blew a quarter-million dollars on her education.
That’s one of the Democrats’ bright lights in the House, people. A black woman wearing a culturally-appropriating wig of straight hair, the fake fingernail talons of a Disney villainess, and fake eyelashes as thick as her skull, standing between Larry the Fairy and a drag version of Dick Butkus if he’d really let himself go.
And she wants to tell you about how conservative women look weird.
Sorry. I meant, “… about how MAGA women, they be lookin’ all weird and sh*t.”
Speaking of which, let’s turn to Michelle Obama, who has to be one of the most privileged and least happy people in the country. She famously said that she’d never been proud of the country until it elected her husband, and she’s spent most of her post-White House years complaining about the immense burden of being her.
This March she started a podcast with her brother; it’s called IMO (In My Opinion), but it should have been called “Festivus,” because it’s all about the airing of the grievances.
She complains about being in the fishbowl at the White House, the racism of America, and especially, about her husband. She didn’t want him to run for president, he’s always late for everything, she can’t stand the way he chews with his mouth open, and on and on.
Her podcast debuted with 338,000 views – not stellar numbers, considering her high profile and the big media promotional push it got – but then quickly dropped off to 66,000 within a month. As of September, it reportedly has only around 17,000 subscribers.
And now she’s come out with a book of pictures of herself, called The Look. The podcast and her book reveal Obama’s unfortunate combination of narcissism and racism. In an interview she said that she had to “conform to a white environment of appropriateness.”
“Let me explain something to white people! Our hair comes out of our head naturally in a curly pattern, so when we’re straightening it to follow your beauty standards, we are trapped by straightness.” (Rumors that her husband has not been “trapped by straightness” have not been confirmed.) She even complains that blacks don’t swim or go to the gym “because we’re trying to keep our hair straight for y’all. It is exhausting, and it’s so expensive, and it takes up so much time.”
There’s a lot wrong with that paragraph, starting with the fact that there’s no such thing as one universally accepted beauty standard, let alone a racially coded one. And contrary to Michelle’s self-martyrdom, most women aren’t thrilled with their natural hair, and tend to spend a ton of time on it, trying to get it to do what it doesn’t naturally want to.
Many women with straight hair want it curly, and those with naturally curly hair want it straight. Women with short hair want to grow it out, and women with long hair cut it short and then don’t like how it looks. Blondes darken their hair, brunettes lighten theirs, and leftist women dye it fluorescent colors to repel normal people.
When I was a young man, women would spray and tease their hair to within an inch of its life. Some white women got perms (resulting in a simulated Afro), and Bo Derek once got corn-rows, even though most men didn’t notice, because their eyes never made it up to her head.
And when Michelle whines about spending half of her waking life “trying to keep her hair straight” for us whiteys, I wish she would have asked me, because I could have told her that we couldn’t care less about how her hair looked. In fact, to the extent that I ever noticed her looks at all, it was because I was unnerved by her constant scowl, or freaked out because she’s built like a pass-rushing outside linebacker for TCU.
During her most recent interview for the book, Michelle incorporated three fundamental errors into one paragraph: “We have to start educating people about all kinds of beauty. And our beauty is so powerful and so unique that it is worthy of a conversation, and worthy of demanding the respect that we’re owed for who we are, and what we offer to the world.”
The first error is her belief that people can be “educated” to regard something as beautiful. That’s not how beauty works. When a beautiful woman walks into a room, the straight men there all recognize her beauty. (Even the gay guys notice. But they just say, “Meh.”)
Over the last half-dozen years, fashion magazines spent tons of money trying to “educate” men into seeing “transgender” dudes as beautiful women, and morbid obesity as attractive, and they convinced zero men.
The second error is that it’s demeaning to reduce someone’s value to their appearance, or to suggest that beauty is all they “offer to the world.” Has no one ever told her that beauty is only skin deep?
(I’m guessing she never had a dad like mine, who told me that I needed to look for a girl who, the more I got to know her, the prettier she got.)
The third error is that narcissism is ugly. There are few bigger turnoffs than someone insisting “my beauty is powerful, and unique, and worthy of a conversation. I demand the respect that I’m owed!”
If that’s your attitude, you’re going to get all the respect you are owed.
Which is to say, zero respect.
Hamas and Trantifa delenda est!
Martin Simpson 