Tag: news

Hur Wrecks Biden, Fani & a Subway Criminal Wreck Themselves, & I Celebrate My Anniversary (posted 3/18/24)

I’m tempted to open today with some comments on Hur’s testimony last week about Biden’s mishandling of classified documents.  And if I were to do so, I’d mention how many of the Democrats made complete fools out of themselves during the hearings, blatantly lying about what Hur said in his report… while he was sitting right there to refute them!

I might hypothetically call special attention to Pramila Jayapal (and not just because an anagram of her name is “liar pajama play,” because that is obvious to everyone) who read from a prepared stack of lies.  When she said that Hur’s “investigation resulted in a complete exoneration” of the late Joe Biden, Hur interrupted to contradict her. 

She immediately started talking over him, repeating that, “I’m going to continue with my questions.” (Of course, she wasn’t asking any questions.)  Irritated when Hur insisted on making his point, Jayapal repeated, “You exonerated him.”

And Hur corrected her, mid-lie, again: “I did not exonerate him.”

That’s when Jayapal gave the most obnoxious smirking glare and insisted, “Mr. Hur, it’s my time. Thank you.

If I were commenting on the hearing, I would have to momentarily return to a fixture of my past columns – the Simpson Face Punchability Index (SFPI) – to note that normally Jayapal has a SFPI of 78 (in the middle of the “resting Hillary-face” zone), but during her pathetic “it’s my time” comment, her SFPI spiked to 94. 

Which equates, as regular readers may remember, to a situation in which even Mother Theresa would be unable to stop herself from instinctively slapping the dishonest smirk off her face.  

And I would probably – if I were to comment on the hearing – point out that my favorite part of Hur’s interviews was when Biden went off on a long, rambling tangent about his Corvette (I swear I am not making this up) and – in the words of an actual, official document of the United States – “made car noises.” 

But I’ve decided not to comment on those hearings.  Because we need to do everything we can to be sure that Biden remains on the ticket until election day.  So I think he’s doing a great job!

And by the way, I missed the Hur testimony, which I’m sure was not worth watching.  Instead, because it’s pollen season in north Florida, I washed our cars that afternoon. 

And you should have seen the strange look my wife gave me when she came out and caught me in the driver’s seat of her car, yanking the steering wheel back and forth and going, “Vroom!  Vroom!  Look at me, I’m the leader of the free world!”  

I will instead start my column with a few observations about the judge’s bizarre ruling in the Fani Willis case on Friday. 

The judge read his findings, pointing out the long list of damning facts proving that Willis and Nathan Wade broke every legal rule except coveting thy neighbor’s oxen… before explaining that if Wade left the case, Fani could remain!

Lots of people are already pointing out the logical inconsistency of finding that Willis and Wade both behaved unethically, but then ousting Wade and allowing Willis to stay.  (And by the way, where is the old-school, oppressive patriarchy when you need it?  Shouldn’t the system have condemned the adulteress and let the dimwitted man-wh*re stay on the case?  It’s almost like we don’t live under the yoke of misogynistic oppression after all.)

This decision fits a troubling pattern of bias, in which judges admit to finding clear evidence of guilt and misconduct – as when Comer basically said that Hillary was guilty in the illegal server and secret documents case, or when Hur found that Biden clearly stole and mishandled secret docs for decades – but still allows the leftist in question to escape consequences. 

But this might be one of those “God works in mysterious ways” situations.  Obviously, if the outcome had been that Willis got tossed out on her Fani and no other corrupt leftist prosecutors could have been found to take up the case, that would have been better.

But if the case is to go forward, the best-case scenario is that Fani stays in the seat (HA!), since she is so thoroughly discredited.  And judging from her terrible performance so far, I’m sure that she’ll be be-clowning herself even more.  She has already shown the emotional stability and maturity of a conceited junior-high girl, and that was BEFORE she got publicly and rightly humiliated for a solid month. 

There’s no one more angry and incapable of rational behavior than a mean girl who got pantsed in front of the whole school.  So her future mis-steps should provide plenty of entertainment.

In today’s Stupid Criminal Story, I give you the tragic tale of Dajuan Robinson, 36, who got onto the NYC subway last week with a bad attitude and a gun in his backpack.  (I don’t watch MSNBC, but I’m assuming that they’ve already reported that “Dajuan” is a very common name among White Christian nationalists.) 

Anyway, Dajuan goaded a 32-year-old man to fight, and then lunged at him, pushing him down and punching him several times.  When a woman on the train pulled out a knife and stabbed Dujuan twice in the back, he interrupted his attack to pull a gun from his backpack.  Then the other guy fought with him, got the gun away from him, and shot him with it.   

This is obviously a happy-ending story, but not just because a violent creep got shot with his own gun.  How about the average New Yorker who jumped in and stabbed the guy first?  Most observers in such situations usually either cower, or pull out their cell phones and narrate the action like low-IQ ghouls. 

Even better, a Brooklyn DA has said that the shooter won’t face charges!  I know: pick up your jaw and read that again.  A DA in Brooklyn said that somebody who defended himself against a violent perp won’t be prosecuted!  Now if someone can just tell that DA about the Daniel Penny case! 

In fact, the great Babylon Bee had a hilarious Penny story on 3/6, with the headline “With Daniel Penny Arrested, NYC Forced to Deploy National Guard to Protect Subway.”  The best lines in the story are faux-attributed to Governor Hochul: “We desperately need the Guard to come do exactly what we arrested Daniel Penny for doing.  Civilians have become too afraid to confront violence on the subway, for reasons we cannot determine.”

Unfortunately for Dajuan Robinson, that might be changing.

In other news, I’ve considered adding a few new categories to some of my future columns, one on stories about our horrific mainstream media (I’m thinking of a title phrase I saw on another conservative website: “No matter how much you think you hate the MSM, it’s not enough.”)

The other new category will be offering nominees for “Jackass of the Month.” And because I love you all, I’m going to write a short column on Wednesday with my first nominee for that award.

I know: I spoil you.  And you’re welcome.

Finally, I leave you with a self-indulgent choice for my latest “celebration of excellence” category.  And the subject for this one is… drumroll please…

Me!

Because 38 years ago I sold my motorcycle and my shirt, and moved to Florida to get a PhD in English.  A week later, I met a blonde smoke-show of a Norwegian goddess who was so out of my league it was ridiculous.  She was charming and witty and kind… and did I mention her incandescent hotness?  

I mean, I couldn’t even look directly at her.  I had to poke a hole in a shoebox and look at her through that, like an eclipse!

That night I went home and took a self-inventory. 

I look like I look (i.e. nothing to write home about), and my net worth was a used black Mazda GLC with no AC (in Florida!), a “Most Improved Player” high school football trophy, and a couple of particle-board bookcases full of cheap paperbacks.  Not only that, I was starting a degree that within 5 years’ time offered the possibility of earning well in excess of $18,000 a year!   

Sure, I had a razor-sharp wit and the strength of ten men (because my heart was pure), but most people were not overly impressed by that. 

I cannot describe the unlikeliness of me landing her!  “Drawing to an inside straight” doesn’t begin to touch it.  “Outkicking my coverage,” is inadequate.  Winning the lottery is closer.

As it happened, 30 years later Randy Newman wrote a lovely song that describes my situation perfectly.  It’s called “She Chose Me,” and you should go listen to it right now. 

It’s got strings and a piano and a French horn, and it starts with these lines: “I’m not much to talk to, and I know how I look/ What I know about life, comes out of a book/ But of all of the people, there are in the world/ She chose me.” 

And 35 years ago today, in the First Lutheran Church in Gainesville, FL, in perhaps the greatest feat of marrying-up in human history, I got Karen Ludwigsen to be my wife. 

Happy anniversary, sweetheart!

Also, as always, Hamas delenda est

Introducing New Column Features (posted 3/13/24)

As I was plowing through material these last several days, I’ve realized that I might want to institute a few specific, recurring features in my columns, because so many stories fit familiar patterns.  Here are a few categories I’m thinking about:

Schadenfreude Central – for stories in which bad actors receive their just desserts, to our delight

Stupid Criminal Stories – similar, but sometimes with tragedy mixed in

Unexpectedly! – for stories about the easily predictable outcome of a terrible leftist policy, reported by clueless dolts who were somehow shocked by that outcome.

Celebrations of Excellence – as an antidote to the many stories of incompetence and imbecility, I’ll highlight skilled, talented people doing great things, to help maintain our cautious optimism.

Not every story that catches my interest will fit one of those categories, of course.  And I’ll always have time for some interstitial mockery of various boneheads – Mexican president Al Sisi can see the pyramid where Imhotep Pelosi grew up from his office; Liz Warren is as white as the crowd at an ABBA cover band performance in Stockholm (#wemustneverstopmockingher), etc.

So here’s a first try.  I’d appreciate any feedback, and if you have suggestions for other categories, please share them.

Schadenfreude Central

If there’s one thing we all know about AOC – aside from the alleged juiciness of her booty, according to her – it’s that much like Wile E. Coyote, she is a super-genius.  In December of 2020, she shared some of her deep thoughts in an online post reacting to defund-the-police activists who had confronted politicians in public spaces:

“The whole point of protesting is to make people uncomfortable.” She argued that only by causing discomfort can activists get “traction,” saying, “To folks who complain [that] protest demands make others uncomfortable… that’s the point.”

Well, last weekend AOC was in a public space – going to a movie with her low-T boyfriend – when some obnoxious protestors started following her through a building and down a street.

They had cell phones out, and kept haranguing her.  “We love Hamas!  We insist that you call Israel’s self-defense a horrible genocidal war crime.  Call it genocide!  Say it!!”  (I’m loosely paraphrasing.)

AOC, because she always supports protest for social change, said, “Great job guys!  Thanks for speaking truth to power, because people like me need to be held accountable, even if it makes us uncomfortable.  I will happily parrot whatever you want me to say, and then pose for selfies with you.  Also, do you think these jeans make my booty look juicy?”  (I’m loosely paraphrasing.)

HA!  I kid.  What she actually did was yell, “You’re lying!” at them, and shake her finger in their faces.  She also complained that they were going to edit her response “totally out of context,” then said, “It’s f—ed up, man!  And you’re not helping these people!  You’re not helping them!!”

To a normal viewer, it almost appeared as if she doesn’t think obnoxious protestors have the right to make HER uncomfortable.

And I’ll admit it: the protestors were obnoxious.  The “male” was wearing a covid mask (in 2024!) and looked to be well into the second trimester, and the female had crazy eyes, and they both spouted the kind of aggressive pro-Hamas propaganda that invites a good face punching.

In other words, they’re AOC’s kind of people…as long as they’re harassing Republicans.  But like all socialists, she doesn’t like it when the proles turn on their betters.   

Did that make you uncomfortable, AOC? 

That’s the point.

Stupid Criminal Stories

Antoinette Baez worked for Safeway grocery stores in California for 22 years, but last year she got fired.  Guess why.

No, it wasn’t for shoplifting.  And it wasn’t for showing up late, or sleeping on the job, or wearing a MAGA hat.  And no, it wasn’t for pooping in the aisles.  (This is California we’re talking about, so that’s not as far-fetched a scenario as it might be in a sane state.)

She was fired because a lazy bum of a shoplifter tried to waltz out with several bags of groceries she didn’t pay for, and Antoinette grabbed one of the bags.  The shoplifter pushed and shoved her, but then gave up and left without stealing anything. 

Three days later, Safeway fired Baez.  Because they’ve got a policy that no employees can touch a shoplifter or pursue them to prevent their thieving, which they claimed Baez violated, even though she never touched the thief.  A judge has miraculously sided with Baez, and she won a judgment for her back pay, though they haven’t offered her her job back.

Her lawyer said, “Safeway’s a food bank for thieves.  The moral of the story is that it makes way more sense to steal from Safeway than to work for Safeway.”

Yep.  This is why you can’t have nice things, Californians.

And in this case, the stupid criminal isn’t the shoplifter, because she faced no consequences for her crime.  The stupid criminal is whoever is making corporate policy at Safeway.   They should be paying a civil penalty to Baez in her upcoming wrongful termination suit.

Hopefully before they go bankrupt for being criminally stupid.

Unexpectedly!

The leftist residents of Austin, TX voted to cut funding for their police department in 2020.  Annnnndddd….

“The city has been plagued by police staffing shortages and longer 911-call response times since.”

Unexpectedly!

The top cop in Austin reports that they’ve had two contracts fall through, they’ve lost more officers than they’ve hired for each of the last 6 years, and 40 officers filed retirement papers at the same time after the leftist city council “voted to scrap a 4-year contract that the city had already agreed to in principle.”

Residents have reported taking a Lyft to a hospital after a car wreck because nobody answered 911 calls, and the crime rate has gone way up.  Even after the state legislature forced Austin to restore police funding – proving that Texas is still a sane state, even if the idiots in Austin have lost their minds – the officer shortage persists.

It seems like in a town where residents dislike cops and don’t want to pay them, cops are reluctant to take a job there.

Unexpectedly!    

Celebration of Excellence

Normally I am annoyed by people with ridiculous names, just on general principle.  But I am happy to make an exception for Nayib Bukele. 

In fact, I put his name in an anagram maker, and found that those same letters spell “Beanie Bulky.”  And I know how to pronounce that, and it makes me laugh.  So with all due respect – but I really mean it this time! – I will refer to Bukele as Beanie Bulky from now on.   

When B-squared was elected President of El Salvador four years ago – an office that nobody would seek were their cojones not bulky (see what I did there?) – it was the most dangerous country in the western hemisphere.  He was elected specifically to crack down on the violent criminal gangs that had tormented and destabilized the country. 

And he actually did it.  Through a combination of tough crackdowns, limited negotiations with gang leaders, and canny moves to set gang members against their feckless leadership, Bulky has made El Salvadore the safest country in the Western hemisphere, and won re-election with over 90% of the vote last month. 

And that’s not a Saddam-esque “everyone voted for the dictator because they’d be killed if they didn’t” sham vote total.  The people recognize that BB has hammered the criminals and kept the citizens safe, and they rewarded him accordingly.

No one knows if this will last, or if the criminals who run so much of Central America will make a comeback.  But for now Bulky Bukele has provided an encouraging example for neighboring nations. 

The ACLU doesn’t approve of all of his methods (shocker!), and he’s walking a dangerous tightrope.  But when push comes to shove, his instinct has been to favor the rights of law-abiding citizens over those of the criminals who prey on them – unlike, for example, California or Austin.

And I’ll bet the new El Salvador model is looking pretty good to the beleaguered citizens of large parts of Third-World-adjacent blue cities like San Francisco, Chicago and New York.

So three cheers for Beanie Bulky and the long-suffering citizens of El Salvador!    

Hamas delenda est!

More SOTU Thoughts, Rare Good News out of Cali, & RuPaul Gets Schooled in Virtue Signaling (posted 3/11/24)

This might have to be a three-column week for me, because the pace of odd political stories is increasing.  So here goes.

Because I have a weak stomach, I limited my live exposure to Biden’s State of the Union speech, but I’ve read some more excerpts and coverage, and have a few more thoughts. 

To start, I don’t know why any Supreme Court justices still come to the SOTU.  Only six of the nine showed up this time, but that’s still six too many.   There may have been a reason for the highest court to be on hand for the SOTU back in the day, but ever since Obama lied about a recent ruling and insulted them to their faces in 2010, they should have all stopped attending.

When Biden brought up abortion, he addressed them directly, and – unexpectedly! – both angrily and incomprehensibly.  This is a transcript, which I only wish I were making up: “With all due respect, justices, women are not without electric–…electoral power, excuse me, without electoral or political power.  You’re about to realize zzhh ow mush (which I think was supposed to be “just how much”)…

I put the ellipses in at the end because it seems like Biden stopped there, and that’s not a grammatical end to a sentence.

I actually do like prefacing a statement with “with all due respect,” because what follows is inevitably never respectful.  Which makes the point pretty artfully: I’m going to treat this next point about someone with all the respect it is rightfully due, which is none at all.

I’m going to try to start working that phrase into my columns more often.

Biden used that phrase in his typically hostile way, but he showed that he doesn’t even know how to threaten correctly.  His point seemed to be that since women have so much electoral power, the justices will regret opposing them – even though judges are supposed to interpret the law, not react to political power – before he ends with what he wants to be an ominous warning about the electoral consequences of taking a supposedly unpopular position.  

Does he think SCOTUS judges are elected?  Because if so… yikes!

Thankfully, all of the justices gave him the stink eye – even the three far-left ones – and the awkwardness of insulting people who are restrained by decorum from punching back cannot have played well with anyone who’s not already a hateful far-left loon.

Especially since the Dems played to their stereotype throughout the night.  In a speech full of lies, they weren’t perturbed at all.  But the one time when Biden accidentally told the truth – calling Laken Riley’s murderer “an illegal” – they became outraged!

And then Biden, because his spine is made of melting ice cream, apologized for calling an illegal alien murderer “illegal.”

Also, is everybody else as confused as I am about his comments about “Lincoln” Riley? 

I don’t mean the part about how he couldn’t get her name right, even when he was surrounded by people with big buttons with her name on them.  

I mean what he said next: “But how many thousands of people being killed by illegals?” 

What?  That’s not a sentence, and it doesn’t make sense.

It could mean something like, “How about all the many others who are being killed by illegals? Why don’t we say their names?”  And if that’s what he meant, more power to him!  Let’s start publicizing the names and stories of ALL the innocent Americans robbed, raped or killed by the millions of unvetted illegals the left’s open border is responsible for.

Or it could mean, “There AREN’T thousands of others being killed by illegals.”  In which case, the entire sentient world cries, “Malarky!” And let’s loose the hounds of fact-checking. 

All that being said, I do see two positives that came out of the SOTU:

1. Biden missed a great chance to get his speech off on a good foot: a bunch of pro-Hamas protestors block his car on the way there and he didn’t run them over.  He should remember that at the end of your life (which for him came around 3 years ago), it’s not the things that you did that you regret, so much as the things you didn’t do. 

And he didn’t order his driver to run over those Hamas-holes.

That would have been such a win-win!  Every normal American would cheer as the hateful little narcissists went careening off (or under) the car. Plus, Biden couldn’t get in any trouble for any deaths or injuries, because his attorneys could use the precedent of the Hur defense: you can’t charge this guy, because he’s obviously out of his gourd!

2. The MSM and Dem hacks  (but I repeat myself) have been out touting his SOTU like crazy, pointing to a positive reaction to the speech in polls.  (Though as a columnist on RedState pointed out, it was the smallest positive rating of any SOTU since they started being rated.)  They’re able to do so because the bar had been set so low that Biden managed to trip and fall forward over the metaphorical sandbag of the super-low expectations.

Which is great for us, because as I’ve said before, our best hope is that Biden does just well enough to stay in the race, and not get swapped out for anyone with higher ratings than him.  (And there’s only one person in the solar system who is NOT in that category, and her name rhymes with Shamala Sharris.) 

On another topic, beleaguered California has at least gotten a little bit of good news this past week: two of the most egregious leftist pols in the country – and that is saying something – both lost primary contests this week.  Horrible whitey-hater Barbara Lee and staff-abusing dim bulb Katie Porter both went down to highly entertaining defeats on Tuesday.

Lee had left her long-time House seat to run for Dianne Feinstein’s Senate seat.  You may remember Feinstein from the way she spent her last months on earth under her daughter’s conservatorship, because she was non compos mentis — and yet well enough to be a Democrat US Senator.

Great job, California voters! 

At 75, Lee was clearly too old to run again, and yet she did so anyway.

I’m sorry.  My crack staff is telling me that it’s not her age, but her IQ that is 75.  Sorry about that. 

Her age is 77.  So, yeah.  Too old to run for office.  (We’re making an exception for Trump, but only because he’s 27 years younger than his opponent.)

Katie Porter was running for the same Senate office.

You may remember her for sitting in front of a white board full of gibberish and speaking nonsense, or perhaps for abusing her staff the way Hillary did Bill, when behind closed doors and after the newest young secretary burst out of Bill’s office, running away at full speed and furiously rubbing her bottom.

Well, in a race in which the top two contenders go into a run-off, Babs Lee came in fourth, and Katie Porter came in third.  And in even better news, Republican Steve Garvey came in second.

The bad news is that he’s up against Adam Schiff, and it’s California.  So Pencil-Neck will almost certainly be the new Senator from CA, and Californians will continue to get what they’ve voted for, good and hard.    

Still, we need to take good news wherever we can find it in those big blue states, and at least we had the pleasure of watching two horrible leftists leave their House seats and then get humiliated in their attempt at the Senate.

Speaking of arrogant lefties getting what’s coming to them, even if you appreciate normalcy, you probably have heard of RuPaul, who is a famous drag queen.  You know, the same way Liz Warren is a famous drag Indian.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

On March 4th, RuPaul announced that he had launched an online bookstore called Allstora, which will NOT ban books, in protest against conservatives’ rabid desire to ban books.  Even though conservatives have not been trying to ban books, which would involve trying to stop a book from being published.

No, conservatives are just weirdos who don’t want taxpayer money being spent on gay – or straight! – porn for school libraries.  Unbelievably enough, they really don’t want their kids reading any books that include graphic details about how to sexually service creepy older people.

Even though, with all due respect, that describes the first several chapters of Que Mala’s political autobiography. 

Anyway, RuPaul tooted his own horn (and I don’t know gay slang, so if that’s a euphemism, I apologize) by saying that his fabulous new bookstore would be “a marketplace for all books and all stories.”    

Annnnndddd…  within one day of being opened, RuPaul’s bookstore started getting hit by an avalanche of protests and requests to “ban” books.  But break out your sad trombone – again, that sounds like it could be gay slang, so mea culpa? – because it turns out that all of those protests came from… wait for it… “progressive” book banners! 

Unexpectedly! 

And a few days later, RuPaul tucked his tail between his legs (sorry for that mental image) and caved, agreeing to put scary red warnings on books by conservatives, and even agreeing to remove some books by some firebrand conservatives such as Elon Musk. 

Who, as you might have noticed, is not even a conservative. 

So great job, self-styled “defenders of democratic values.”  You’ve made the point obviously clear: the intolerant people who want to dictate what others read are… leftists!

Hamas delenda est!

Schadenfreude Stories of the Week (posted 2/26/24)

Today I’ve got a lot of feel-good stories of leftists receiving their just desserts, but I want to start with a case study of how putting on ideological blinders can make you stupid.   It involves Bill Maher. 

If you’ve seen his HBO show or stand-up specials, you know that Maher can be an obnoxious and condescending leftist.  But he’s also a smart guy who often sees through woke idiocy and calls it out, willingly taking criticism for doing so.  His old show Politically Incorrect (1993-2002) often lived up to its name, when it wasn’t (ironically) being politically correct.

But even though I think he’s earned the incredibly rare description of “intermittently insightful leftist,” his politics cause him to have some shocking blind spots.  A while ago, for example, Dave Rubin was his guest when Maher was berating Trump for being an “election denier.”

When Rubin pointed out that Cankles Clinton had spent much of Trump’s term blaming various conspiracies for her loss and calling Trump an “illegitimate president,” Maher was shocked at the idea, and blatantly denied that she’d ever said that.  

How can you explain such a ridiculous statement from someone who has made his living by being hyper-aware of political bias, other than to call it an act of self-inflicted ignorance?

Last week he did it again.  He had Ann Colter on, and he started a discussion of the shooting at the Kansas City Chiefs’ parade by saying, “We don’t know who did this shooting, by the way.”

Colter drily said, “We have some idea.” Maher said, “What?” and she said, “If it were a white man shooting, we’d know.”

Maher insisted, “We don’t know,” and when Colter gave recent examples of non-white shooters being underplayed, Maher was incredulous.  “You think they’re repressing that reporting?”

After a little more back and forth, Colter confidently said, “The longer they go without telling you, it’s not a white male.”

Maher responded by rolling his eyes and sarcastically saying, “We don’t know… [but] you know, because you have special powers.”

Annnnddddd… it turns out (after several more days of MSM obfuscation) that the shooters are black.

Unexpectedly!

If I’m reading Maher correctly, I think he could actually pass a lie detector test on that question: he authentically seems to be unaware of the obvious and consistent bias in virtually all MSM reporting on race, and especially on crime!

How can that be?  One of the oldest political jokes I know has to do with a typical MSM headline announcing an imminent extinction-level event: “World Ends Tomorrow: Women and Minorities Hardest Hit.”

Similarly, every crime story either becomes the object of obsessive focus and exaggeration or is ignored, depending on the race or politics of the perps and victims.  Jussie Smollett’s risible hoax about Trump fans in Chicago nearly lynching him is the biggest story in the country… until the truth becomes clear, and the media slinks away.

Violent thugs like Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin and George Floyd die in the process of committing more crimes, and they are transfigured from recidivist criminals into saints and martyrs. 

Meanwhile white kids like the Covington Catholic schoolboys are confronted at the Lincoln Memorial by an aggressive American Indian weirdo (rumors that he is Liz Warren’s brother have not been confirmed, but still, #wemustneverstopmockingher), and they stay calm. So the media smear them as entitled white aggressors harassing a morally pure “person of color.”

Or how about Kyle Rittenhouse, the racist vigilante who went on a killing spree against innocent black civil rights protestors?  Except that he’s not racist, and not a vigilante, and the guys he shot were all white sex offenders who attacked him, and deserved every bullet he fired in self-defense.   

I could go on and on, but I don’t have to, because we all know the truth.

Except for Bill Maher, apparently. 

It’s really depressing to recognize how many of our fellow citizens – and voters! – really believe the propaganda the media has been feeding them.  But it’s especially so when a guy as smart as Maher, and who has a high profile job that entails obsessively following national politics, is totally blind to the most basic realities of American politics in 2024!

Ugh.  Enough with the bring-down stories.  Let’s take a quick look at a few stories of lefty follies from the past week.

First up is our Cadaver in Chief.  How bad has it gotten for Dems trying to find something positive to say about Joe Biden’s campaign?

This bad:  When Biden was doing a photo op at a Mexican restaurant in Cali, several people inexplicably wanted to take a selfie with him.  (My guess?  They were each hoping to get the last pic with a US president before he died, the creepy vultures.)

As he was posing, he pushed a button on a customer’s phone to switch it to selfie mode.  And the Biden campaign actually put this out as part of a statement: The customer was “surprised POTUS knew how to do that.” To which the Corn Pop Slayer responded, “After the last guy, the bar’s on the floor.”

I know: the campaign considered that shot at Trump a shining example of witty repartee.  But they buried the lede by sliding right past the telling, hilarious detail:  This is what it’s come to! When Joey gaffes manages to press the right button on a cell phone, a potential voter was surprised he could pull that off!

Look for the following puff-piece stories in coming days:

  • Voter in a public bathroom when Biden came in reports that Biden was able to use the urinal correctly.  Voter shocked! 
  • During a photo op at Denny’s, Biden ordered something close enough to barely be recognized as a “Grand Slam Breakfast.”  Waitress flabbergasted!
  • Physician arrived at the White House in the morning to do a routine check of Biden’s vital signs, discovered that Biden had continued to carry out such autonomic functions as respiration and a semi-steady heartbeat overnight.  Doctor stunned!

That’s our president, people.

Meanwhile, lefty media outlets continue to get blasted like Sonny Corleone at the toll booth in Godfather I.

I’ve already laughed about the closure of Jezebel and the Messenger, the firings of Brian Stelter, Fredo Cuomo and Don Lemon, and the job cuts at the LA Times, WAPO and CNN.  Now we can add Vice Media to the list.

Vice was valued at almost $6 billion in 2017 – I’m assuming by socialist accountants who dusted their peyote with crystal meth whenever they did an audit – before they filed for bankruptcy and were sold last year for $350 million. 

Now reports say that they’re trying to sell off a publishing business and fighting rumors that their entire site might disappear because they’re struggling to pay their monthly server bills.

Who would have thought that being dishonest partisan hacks and smearing half the country for years on end would end in tears?

Speaking of which, BuzzFeed is another media outlet that has been diligently searching for the alchemical recipe for turning malicious, dishonest socialism into profits.  It bought an entertainment media brand called Complex for $300 million shortly before going public in December of 2021, and for the next year, its stock price hovered around $10 a share. 

Its recent price is $21 dollars per share, which I would think is a good indicator of—

No, wait.  I misread that.  That’s supposed to be $.21 per share.  As in 21 cents. 

As in, you’re in the drive-through at McDonalds and they ask if you’d like to supersize your fries, and you say, “Yes, but I don’t have any more cash on me.  Would you take three shares of BuzzFeed stock to make that a large fry?”

And the teenager in the paper hat would say, “No.”

So BuzzFeed announced more layoffs, and it just sold Complex for $108 million.

Now I’m just a simple country English professor, so I don’t claim to understand the complex world of high finance.  But if our resident big financial brains – CO and Chris Silber – could help me out here…

Isn’t buying an asset for $300 million, and then selling it a few years late for $108 million what you’d call “buying high and selling low?”

And that’s not a good thing, right? 

It’s not just behind-the-scenes lefty media types who are getting hit with the reality stick.  Unfunny comedian Jimmy Kimmel has announced that he’ll likely be retiring at the end of his current contract. 

I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that his ratings (and those of lefty scolds Colbert and the Daily Show et al) have crumbled, and ads on his show are bringing in 41% less than they were doing 4 years ago. 

Maybe I was a little hasty in calling Kimmel “unfunny.”  Because THAT is hilarious!

Finally, there are also some positive signs coming out of Gaza, where a Palestinian official is claiming that, “Hamas’ leadership is planning to remain in the besieged Gaza Strip and carry on their fight against Israel to the end.”

Sources suggest that three top Hamas leaders – one Mohammed (Deif), one Marwan (Issa), and top dog Yahya Sinwar, whom I am calling “Yahoo Serious” (look him up), because his name is equally stupid, and it amuses me – are all still in a part of Gaza that the IDF has not yet invaded. 

They are supposedly determined to stay there and fight to the death.

Which means that this situation presents the terrorists and the good guys with a rare opportunity for bipartisanship.  Since they want to die fighting, and we want them dead, this sounds like a win-win to me. 

So here’s hoping those three stooges have the life expectancy of BuzzFeed, Vice Media, and Joe Biden.  

Because as always…

Hamas delenda est!

I’ve Noticed a Strange Pattern Developing (posted 2/19/24)

If you were an alien who just arrived on Earth from Venus and watched several hours of national news, you would probably ask the question, “Why are so many high-profile black women in very high-powered jobs so laughably terrible at those jobs?”

Then you would be immediately surrounded by a gaggle of MSM “journalists.”   You’d probably expect them to pepper you with comments and questions such as, “Holy Schiff!  You’re actually a real, live alien, aren’t you?!” and, “How did you get here from Venus, and what is the life on your planet like?” and, “Do you come in peace?”

But you’d only expect that because you’re from Venus, and have no conception of what crapulent, leftist hacks our MSM “journalists” are.

They would certainly bum rush you and start screaming comments and questions.  But they’d blow right past the fact that an alien life form has appeared on earth, and get down to the really important stuff.

By which I mean they would turn red in the face (no offense Grandma Squanto) (#wemustneverstopmockingher), stamp their tiny feet, and scream accusations at you. Such as, “How dare you question any black female ever?”

or “Would you say that you’re more of a Venusian supremacist or a Venusian nationalist?”

or “Are you here to colonize earth?  Because that is the kind of bigoted question we’d expect from a Venusian colonizer!”

Then they would demand that you check your green privilege, and call you a racist, and spit on you. 

And if you then felt like pulling out a death ray weapon that I hope you have and blasting them all, I speak for most of us when I say, “Blast away.”

And after all that, while you and I were enjoying a bottle of bourbon while sitting beside a smoking pile of molecularly disassembled leftist hacks, I would explain how our country has succumbed to the folly of DEI and racial preferences in hiring.

Okay, perhaps I’ve already had a little bourbon, and that introduction might have gotten away from me a little bit.

So let me start again: identity politics and racial and gender preferences in hiring are terrible for everyone.  

They’re obviously bad for the people who get discriminated against, and for the public or customers who are supposed to be served by people who are hired for reasons other than merit. But they’re also bad for the individuals and groups who theoretically “benefit” from them.

Let’s look at a few recent examples:

You all remember Claudine Gay.  She was the history-making first black female president of Harvard.  Normally, any academic wanting a job like that would have to have published at least a few highly respected books, and a stellar record of achievements as an administrator.   

Gay had published zero books, and only 11 articles, all of which were boiler-plate, fashionably leftist takes on race. (Without reading them, any liberal arts prof could summarize the abstracts of all of them: “Black people good, white people bad.”) 

But as MLK always said, “Judge not by the content of their curriculum vitae, but by the color of their skin.”  So Claudine got the job.

Annnnddddd…

When asked whether blood-curdling calls for anti-Semitic genocide are bad in front of a national audience, she couldn’t figure out an answer.

Which made reasonable people scratch their heads, and wonder what kind of qualifications someone that dumb could possibly have to be president of Harvard.

Annnnndddd…

It turns out that her paper-thin publication record is littered with many, many instances of blatant plagiarism.

Speaking of horrifically unqualified Harvard big shots, a few minutes after Gay resigned in disgrace (though her emotional pain was probably eased by being given a Harvard teaching job for $900K per year), some anonymous tipster suggested that Harvard look into the academic record of their chief diversity and inclusion office Sherri Ann Charleston.

Annnnndddd…

It turns out that she plagiarized at least 40 times.  Which is even more impressive when you consider that she crammed all of that fraudulence into just two documents: her dissertation, and  ONE published article. 

Which, it turns out was an article that her husband actually wrote, and that she just re-packaged and claimed as her own. 

And it’s not just academics.  You may remember Marilyn Mosby, a racial grifter who got herself elected State’s Attorney in Baltimore in 2015.  She immediately started blazing a path of leftist incompetence that only added to the travails of the masochistic black Democrat community in Baltimore, who continue to elect incompetent imbeciles who “look like [them].”

She announced that her office would stop prosecuting many “lower level” crimes.  You may be shocked to learn that crime in Baltimore then went up.  Unexpectedly!

She also made a national name for herself by charging and prosecuting 6 cops who were connected (mostly tangentially) to the death of career criminal Freddie Gray while he was in custody and being driven to jail. 

Despite several prisoners’ testimony that Gray had been intentionally banging himself around inside the police van, and no evidence that the cops had hurt him, Mosby threw the book at all 6 cops.

Annnndddddd… all 6 were acquitted.

She was tossed out in the next election, after investigators noticed that she had taken a “hardship” withdrawal from retirement funds (when she was making $250K per year), to buy multiple rental properties in Florida (each of which she claimed was going to be a second home), and lied about several issues on her loan application.

Annndddd…. last week she was convicted on three perjury and fraud charges.

Which brings us to Fani “what ‘chu talkin’ bout” Willis, who showed her fanny and got bitten on it in a glorious day of testimony this week. 

This bonehead wanted to make herself a star by prosecuting Trump and 19 others on a raft of ridiculous RICO charges, and never has there been a more hilarious illustration of the bromide, “be careful what you wish for.”  

Her testimony on Thursday turned into a glorious self-immolation by a race-card playing dunce who was in far over her head.  When searching for a top lawyer to take on the incredibly complicated and high-profile RICO case, she picked a guy who had prosecuted mostly traffic cases, and had zero RICO experience.  

And the fact that he and she were sleeping together had NOTHING to do with it.

The best argument she could make was that she started banging the attorney she hired – and over-paid – only AFTER she hired him.  Because that makes it all better.

She claimed that she reimbursed her boy toy for all of the money he spent on her for trips and gifts, but that she did so in cash only.  Sweet, conveniently untraceable cash.

When asked why she would do that, she said that it was “a black thing” to keep thick wads of cash around at all times.  And no, she couldn’t show any records of when she had withdrawn it from her bank, and you’re racist for asking.

In fact, she managed to dig a deeper hole when she said that some of that cash came from when she ran for office, and took campaign cash home for personal use.  Which is illegal.

D’oh!

To be clear, all of these black women in high-powered jobs are not transparently corrupt failures because they are black or female.  They were only in those high-powered jobs in the first place because they were black and female, and that is a result of the transparently corrupt system of DEI identity politics.

In that way, racial preferences worked for them the same way that nepotism works for rich or powerfully connected white folks. 

Ted Kennedy was no more qualified to be a senator than he was to run a shake machine at McDonalds.  Hunter Biden couldn’t find Ukraine on a map and knew nothing about the energy business, and my three-year-old daughter made more impressive art with finger paints. 

But both of those reprobates were able to fail spectacularly on a big stage purely because of their last names.

The people who should be most outraged at frauds like Fani Willis, Marilyn Mosby and Claudine Gay are black women who work their butts off and legitimately earn their way to a spot at the table, only to be met by a skepticism that they don’t deserve. 

And that is all on scammers like Willis, Mosby and Gay.

Hamas delenda est!

Grandma Squanto, Woke Kindergarten Fails, & A Dem Accidentally Tells a Border Truth (posted 2/9/24)

I haven’t given Liz Warren enough attention lately, but she posted a short video this week that I can’t resist.  And you’ll never guess what Grandma Squanto is on the warpath about now.

Conestoga wagons leaving muddy tracks all over her sacred great plains homeland?

The high cost of teepee insurance?

Repeating rifles that allow toxic white males to get off three shots at her before she can even notch a single arrow?

Nope.  She’s got her buckskin dress over her head because – and I cannot stress enough how much I am not making this up – big corporations are screwing the American people out of oreos and Doritos.

Her video is only a minute long, and you really should watch it.  I think of it as a sequel to her famous kitchen video, in which she won worst actress in the role of a relatable, blue-collar woman.  As you’ll recall, she said, “I think I’m a gonna have me a beer.”  And then she asked her beta-WASP husband, “Do you want a beer?” 

And he looked at her like she was crazy, because they both know she hasn’t drunk anything but chardonnay during their entire marriage.

Anyway, she starts this video by looking into the camera and saying, “You ever go for the last chip in the Dorito bag and suddenly say, “Whoa! There shoulda been more chips in here!”  And then she goes on a rant about how big corporations have been shorting a helpless public by putting less junk food in their packages.

I would say her delivery is wooden, but I’m too mature to go for the obvious wooden Indian joke.  (Or am I?)  But nobody watching is going to believe that she’s ever bought or consumed a single Dorito, or washed it down with a single sip of beer in her life. 

Besides, isn’t she undercutting her brand with this example?  If she wanted us to believe her, she’d say, “You ever open a bag of pemmican, squash and maize and say, ‘Whoa!’ There’s suspiciously little pemmican in here.  And this isn’t enough squash and maize to feed my papooses!  I detect the greedy hand of Big Pemmican behind this!”

But she is on-brand about one thing: she’s a very convincing arrogant leftist, because she knows that regular people cannot possibly decide what packaged products are worth buying.  We need her superior wisdom to protect us from Big Snack and our own ignorance.

And yet she can’t correctly identify the mysterious force that has made all products more expensive in the last three years. 

Bidenomics!

#wemustneverstopmockingher

Next up, in what is turning into a recurring series of stories about lefties “unexpectedly!” reaping what they sow, some educrats running a San Francisco elementary school got their hands on $250K of federal funds to improve their school’s performance. 

Instead of consulting me on how to spend the money – I would start by purchasing a poop plow to clear a path to allow the children to get to the school’s front door every morning, and then firing and replacing every teacher who writes her pronouns on the board or has a hair color that’s not found in nature – they gave it to an organization called – I Schiff you not – “Woke Kindergarten.”

This brain trust got right to work, training teachers to “confront white supremacy” and “disrupt racism and oppression.” 

Annnnndddd… the students’ previously terrible test scores and attendance managed to get even worse.

Unexpectedly!   

And yes, the money they spent on that boondoggle were federal funds.  Which means that you and I paid Woke Kindergarten to make an underperforming school worse.

Great.

In other news, we finally learned the identity of the ghost whom Joe Biden has been regularly shaking hands with after his public appearances: the deceased French president Francois Mitterand!

Ugh! It’s not bad enough that Brandon has surrounded himself with leftist hacks in his administration; even when he wants to talk to (other) dead people, he picks dead socialists!

If we could just find a way to get him to start talking to the ghost of Ronald Reagan, maybe there would be a slim chance that he’d be a less terrible president.

Speaking of terrible governance, Democrat Senator Chris Murphy (thanks, Connecticut!) committed a perfect political gaffe this week, i.e. he accidentally told the truth. 

Luckily for him, not many people saw it, since he said it on the MSNBC show of Chris Hayes, whom I suspect is actually Rachel Maddow in whatever is the opposite of drag.

Chris/Rachel asked Murphy to comment on the collapse of the atrocious border bill, and Murphy admitted that “the Democrat strategy for 30 years… has failed for the people we care about most, the undocumented Americans that are in this country.” 

Yikes!

In the annals of dishonest leftist verbiage – right up there with saying “pro choice” when they mean “pro abortion,” and “gender affirming” when they mean “gender denying” – the switch from “illegal aliens” to “undocumented” was a master stroke. 

“Illegal” and “alien” are both accurate, and clear.  “Undocumented” sounds like a guy left his wallet in his other pair of pants. 

“Undocumented immigrants” at least admitted that the people in question are immigrants.  “Undocumented Americans” is an outrageously blatant lie, and in a healthy political system, calling illegals “the people we care most about,” would be an act of political suicide.  

But we don’t have a healthy political system anymore, so Chris Murphy won’t suffer any consequences for his self-damning, inadvertent honesty.

So I guess we’ll have to settle for at least knowing that he’s got Murphy’s Law named after him.

On an “all’s well that ends well” note, in the best-governed state in the nation – although Abbott’s performance on border issues is giving DeSantis some stiff competition for the best governor title – a career criminal with the colorful name of Sterling Alavache attempted to rob a bank.  He took a hostage, claimed to have a bomb, and definitely had a knife – which he put to the hostage’s throat while holding him in a headlock and demanding cash.

If he tried this in a blue state, the mayor and governor would have offered him all the money in the bank, one free hostage stabbing, and a key to the city. 

But he was in Florida.  So the authorities decided to pound Sterling.  (Boom! Unexpected British currency pun!)

A SWAT team was called, and when Sterling refused orders to drop the knife and let the hostage go, a SWAT sniper dropped him with one shot.

Rumors that Democrat Senator Chris Murphy then ran to the nearest camera in DC and said, “In a stunning act of reprehensible gun violence, the state of Florida has failed the people we care about most: armed, recidivist criminals!” have not been confirmed.

After another week of political ugliness in our country, let me leave you with an enjoyable, escapist YouTube page that I’ve been following for the last year or so.  It belongs to Jonna Jinton, and features stunning video of the far northern Swedish landscape where she and her husband live.

As a Floridian who misses the snowy winters of his youth in Illinois, I can’t get enough of the  gorgeous video of winter scenery, the adorable Swedish accents (don’t tell my Norwegian-descent wife, to whom the devious Swedes are not to be trusted), and perhaps best of all, an amazing Aussie-shepherd-looking dog named Nanook, who is the spitting image of Cassie the Wonder Dog.

If you’re interested, the episode called “Winter is Here/Life in the Swedish Woods” is a good one to introduce you to her site. 

Have a great weekend, and don’t forget…

Hamas delenda est!   

A Few Thoughts About How Far Left the Dems Appear to be Moving (posted 2/5/24)

With every passing week, I’m increasingly struck by how fast the gap is growing between red and blue states, and how wide that gap is getting.  And also by what seems like the single factor that explains it: while the political right has more or less maintained its position on the political spectrum, the left has moved far, far to the left. 

Elon Musk made the point back when he was thinking about buying Twitter.  He shared someone’s simple drawings of his political position.  The drawings featured three horizontal lines, labeled “2008,” “2012,” and “2021,” and three stick figures, labeled “conservative,” “me,” and a leftist.

In all three drawings, the conservative stick figure was on the right side, and the stick figure labelled “me” was in the same spot, roughly in the middle of the line.  But in 2008, the leftist figure was labeled “my fellow liberal,” and the “me” character was a little left of center, and close to the liberal.

In 2012, the leftist was shown racing to the left, and was labeled “my fellow liberal?” and the “me” character was now just barely left of center.

In 2021, the leftist was standing to the far, far left, labeled “woke ‘progressive’,” and the center line had shifted so far that the “me” character was now about 1/3 of the way right of center.

That drawing sums up our national politics pretty well.  It seems like an ideological bookend to Reagan’s old statement, “I didn’t leave the Democrat party; the Democrat party left me.”  Musk has the same message to all the lefties who worshipped him 10 years ago and excoriate him as far-right now: he didn’t move, but they went so far left that they lost their minds.

We all see this in just about every big political issue of the day.

On abortion, Dems as recently as Bill and Cankles McPantsuit used to chant the mantra that abortion should be, “safe, legal and rare.”  That never made much sense.  (What other constitutional “rights” could you apply that to?  Would you say that people should exercise their freedom of speech safely, legally and only rarely?  Should they use their freedom of religion that way?) But it was at least a nod to the inherent tragedy of abortion.

Dems were also queasy about late-term abortion, insisting that it basically never happens, and trying their best to avoid the subject.

Now the activist left is super abortion-positive!  They urge each other to “shout your abortion,” and vacuous actresses give acceptance speeches in which they say how glad they are that they were able to get abortions so that they could increase their career success. 

The same goes for gay and trans issues.  Obama ran in 2008 as anti-gay marriage, citing his “Christian faith!”  (This at a time when many people across the spectrum supported “civil unions” as a compromise that would allow gay couples the civil rights of married couples while maintaining traditional marriage.)

Of course he was lying, which he tacitly admitted when he flipped his position the minute public opinion shifted enough to allow it.  But as the old saying goes, “Hypocrisy is the tribute vice pays to virtue,” and our society could still tell the difference between the two just a few years ago.

The trans craziness is an even starker example.  Even a short time ago, if a crazed doctor started chopping off children’s healthy sex organs and chemically castrating them because they were “really” the opposite sex, that doctor would have been jailed or committed to a psych ward.

And if men demanded access to women’s and girls’ showers and athletic competitions, or seriously injured females in physical sports, they would have been jailed immediately.  Assuming they survived the community-sanctioned beatings they would have gotten from those girls’ fathers.

Leftists used to tacitly welcome illegal immigration, since they knew most illegals would become future Democrat voters.  But they weren’t crazy enough to completely open the borders, and ship the illegals all over the country, and give them cash and prizes to come in.

And while Dems were never exactly “tough on crime” or fans of the 2nd amendment, they would at least jail repeat offenders, and require high pre-trial bail before letting them out. 

When I was a wee lad in Illinois, Chicago was run by Democrats, just as it is today.

But in 1968, when crowds of mostly young leftist dopes caused trouble in Chicago, Mayor Daley sent cops wading into the crowds with tear gas and billy clubs, and carted them off to jail, even if only for a short time.  And those were protestors who actually had some legitimate complaints (being drafted into an increasingly unpopular war), and who were being obnoxiously disruptive, but not burning down entire city blocks and injuring hundreds of cops for months on end. 

And now violent criminal aliens are allowed into the country, shipped up to NYC, and allowed to physically beat NY cops, and not only are they not jailed and deported, they are released immediately, without even having to post bail?!

I know you all know this, and I do too, but I’m still regularly shocked by how far our blue cities have fallen, and how fast!           

Ugh!  The only cold comfort I can get from many of these stories is that so many Democrats are now receiving the karmic arse-whipping that they deserve, providing me with a refreshing spring of schadenfreude, and the ongoing opportunity to mock them.

Speaking of which, have you heard that Stacy “A-1” Abrams has just laid off most of the staff of her “voting rights” (i.e. voting fraud) group, the ironically named “Fair Fight?”  It seems the rotund, race-baiting election denier raised around $100 million between 2018-2021.

Annnnndddddd… they’re bankrupt! 

She’s gone 0-2 in GA governor elections, and 0-for-three years in legal battles to advance the cause of stealing elections.  After her group lost their most recent legal challenge against the conservative group “True the Vote,” they are now $600K in the hole, with nothing to show for it. 

Also in Georgia, Fani Willis’ multiplying problems continue to entertain and delight.  Just like most of Trump’s pursuers in the bogus lawfare cases against him, she is finding out how stupid it was to throw rocks at Trump when she was living in a glass house.

Or in her case, a glass house of ill repute. 

Yes, it’s extra funny when someone embroiled in a sex scandal has a name like “Fani.”  (Remember how much fun we had with Anthony Weiner?) 

Just as it was extra funny when an old video resurfaced from when Fani was running for DA in April of 2020.  In an interview with local television, she laughingly asserted, “I certainly will not be choosing people to date that work under me (sic).”  

So she’s definitely made a 180-degree turn on that issue.  In fact, if I wasn’t such a refined and classy gentleman, I might even say that she went from cowgirl to reverse cowgirl on that issue.

But I definitely would NOT say that “working under her” is exactly the right phrase to describe boy toy Nathan Wade, whom she hired for an unreasonably high salary to go after Trump.  Nor would I say that Wade’s previous inexperience – having worked only with low-level criminal cases, and not a single felony trial – makes him a perfect example of the Peter principle.

Because I am obviously far too mature for that.   

However, at least one sexually compromised leftist is going unpunished.  (Which probably disappoints the little weirdo.) 

I’m talking about the legislative aide who was depraved and stupid enough to record himself in a Senate hearing room engaging in a squalid display that, even though it wasn’t baseball-related, involved a great deal of pitching and catching.  And then he was stupid enough to post that video online.

When that behavior caused a scandal – unexpectedly! – the little creep insisted that, “I love my job and would never disrespect my workplace.”

Yes, everybody can see that you loved your job.  Some might say you loved it too much.

And if you don’t think that making a gay porn video in your office is disrespecting the workplace, what more do you think you’d have to add to achieve that?  Scented candles and circus animals?

Don’t answer that!   

Anyway, the creep was allowed to resign, and the Capitol police have just announced that they won’t be pressing any charges.

On an entirely unrelated note, remember when the MSM and the Dems (but I repeat myself) got the vapors because the J6ers walked through the capitol building – fully clothed, and most of them with police escort? 

That was a horrific “defilement of the sacred seat of government” that sent them all to their fainting couches in shock.  

And yes, please feel free to make your own “defiling the seat of government” joke here.  Because as I may have mentioned, I’m way too refined and classy for that.

Hamas delenda est!  

Blue States Continue to “Unexpectedly” Fail, but Florida Abides (posted 2/2/24)

A couple of columns ago, I pointed out the comedic use of the word “unexpectedly” in MSM stories that recount the completely expected and predictable results of idiotic leftist policies. 

Examples would be stories like, “University Allows Dudes to Play Women’s Sports; Actual Females Unexpectedly Get Badly Beaten in Sports,” or “Ultra-White Lady Thinks She’s a Chippewa Princess; Hilarious Genius Unexpectedly Mocks Her.”  

(#wemustneverstopmockingher)

I’m realizing now that I could write about those stories seven days a week.  For example…

California politicians have burned a lot of calories making criminals’ lives easier and cops’ lives harder for many years now.  (Just as CA has spent a lot of energy on making taxpayers’ and homeowners’ lives harder, and the lives of open-air pooping practitioners and meth enthusiasts easier.) 

And now – unexpectedly! – California is experiencing a severe shortage of cops. 

The town of Alameda has recently been offering starting salaries over $113K and a signing bonus of $75K to anyone who would be a cop there… and there are still too few takers! 

Because no one has ever said the words, “I would never want to live in Ken-Doll Newsom’s California, but it sounds like a great place to be a cop!”

Speaking of unexpected developments in California, for the first time since the company opened in 1948, an In-N-Out Burger is closing a location, this one in Oakland. 

Even though the company COO says that the location is “busy and profitable,” – which tells you how good their burgers must be, since that is hard to believe about a business in California! – he also says that their employees and customers have been hard hit by theft, property damage and armed robberies. 

On the same block, a Starbucks closed last year (unexpectedly!), and another fast-food restaurant is still open, but only using its drive-thru lane. 

Which tells you everything you need to know: the Biden voters roaming the area have made it so unsafe that if you can stay in your locked car with its engine running, you just might be able to grab a meal without getting robbed or killed. 

And you know what’s that’s called, don’t you?

Bidenomics!

But it’s not just California suffering the consequences of progressive a-holery.  It’s everywhere that the Dems control.

Take Boston, for example.  There are a lot of Walgreens stores in Boston.  But there are three less than there were in November of 2022.  And there’s about to be four less, since Walgreens announced that it will be permanently closing its location on Warren Street in Roxbury, which is “one of the most dangerous areas” in the city, according to local media.

(Also according to local media, that’s probably because Roxbury is home to roving bands of MAGA-hatted white nationalist thugs.)

Now if you are the kind of weirdo who is into things like logic, facts and statistics, you might guess that the latest Walgreens closing might be somehow connected to Roxbury’s violent crime rate (214% higher than the national average), or property crime rate (48% higher), or the region’s overall crime rating of “F.” 

(As in, “What the ‘F’ is going on in Boston?”)

But if you are the kind of weirdo who gets elected to Dem congressional seats – and are therefore allergic to things like logic, facts and statistics – you know why Walgreens would REALLY be pulling out of a high crime neighborhood…

Bidenomics!

No, sorry.  That should read…

Racism!

I give you Ayanna “chrome dome” Pressley, in a recent speech on the house floor which I am not making up: “Walgreens’ closures [in black and brown neighborhoods] are not arbitrary or innocent.  They are disruptive, life-threatening acts of racial and economic discrimination.”

She went on to say that she intends to “demand answers from the Walgreens CEO.  Why was there no community input? … Shame on you Walgreens!”

I wish the Walgreens CEO had been in the room, so he could jump up and say, “I’ve got some answers for you!  The problem wasn’t too little community input, it was too much community out-take.  As in, much of the community kept taking out a ton of merch without paying for it.  Which is why by the end of 2022 we had to lock up everything in the store from toothpaste to toilet paper like it was oxycontin-flavored heroin.  Shame on us?  Shame on you, ya’ low-IQ, black Lex Luthor!”   

But he never would have said that.  Because on Walgreen’s main website, they devote a lot of pixels to bragging about their devotion to diversity uber alles.  They literally say, “DEI is in our DNA.” 

(It’s also BS, and explains why your former stores in Boston were FUBAR.)

In case you’re wondering what a white guy thumping his chest about diversity looks like, go to Walgreens’ diversity page and get a look at CEO Tim Wentworth. 

The guy has the same unnerving, bug-eyed stare of Adam “Pencil-Neck” Schiff.  Seriously.  He’s a rich boss of a huge company, so you know that professional photographers took an entire portfolio of portrait shots of him, and this is the best one they could come up with.

He looks like he’s got a stand-up freezer in his basement at home that holds a half-finished skin suit that he’s making out of his female victims. 

And by the way, guess who else joined Pressley in writing an angry letter to Wentworth?  MA senator Liz Warren.  And you can tell by reading that letter that she is really on the warpath on this issue.

(Boom!  That’s a #neverstopmocking, Tomahawk Two-fer™ in this column!)

But I don’t want to give you the impression that our entire nation is imploding.  On the contrary, the conservative policies of Ron DeSantis continue to provide more reasons for the long-suffering residents of blue states to flee to our free state.  (Provided, of course, that they leave their old states’ dysfunctional politics behind.)

One example can be found in an American Thinker story titled, “Florida Leads the Way on Fighting Voter Fraud,” which documents the successes of the Office of Election Crimes and Security (OECS) since it was formed in 2022. 

From arresting individuals for election fraud to exposing and fining shady, third-party registration organizations (some of them Soros-funded, shockingly enough) who broke laws to increase illegal voting, the OECS has made our elections more transparent and trustworthy. 

Here’s hoping that other states and the Trump campaign will take our template nationwide, before November’s elections!

A second example was Disney’s “last-gasp lawsuit” against DeSantis failing in federal court on Wednesday.  For those keeping score at home, that means that the woke groomers at Disney – once the Mouse House, more recently Mao’s House™ — are winless against RDS.

Disney lost their corrupt and crony-capitalistic fiefdom in the Reedy Creek Development District, and now they’ve got to pay the same taxes as other Florida businesses.  After their attempt to thwart the will of Florida voters went down in flames, their arrogant CEO had to resign in disgrace.  And when the Reedy Creek sweetheart deal was about to expire, their last-minute attempt to appoint a bunch of new board members at the 11th hour was also rebuffed.

And now their latest legal challenge has been unceremoniously dismissed by a federal judge.  More please!

But lest I suggest that everything is perfect in Florida, I have to acknowledge that we’re still living in a fallen world, and Florida Man is still alive and well.

Or in this case, Florida Woman. To wit, this week 35-year-old Celia Barrett was featured in this headlined story: “Naked Florida Woman Barges into Gas Station, Threatens to Kill Staff with Apple Peeler.”

Since the story was behind a Fox News paywall, I was only able to read the headline and first few sentences.  But that’s still enough info to allow me to make three insightful comments. 

Because I’m just that good.

Here goes:

1. Death by apple peeler would have to be one of the slowest, most painful (and yet easily avoidable) deaths I can imagine. 

2. Obviously, we need a huge, annoying and time-wasting effort directed at universal apple-peeler control.  Especially when it comes to those scary-looking “assault peelers.”  (As for me, you can have my apple peeler when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!)

3. I know you’ve heard this a million times, but the First Rule of Naked Women is that, “Any woman who shows up naked in a gas station wielding a kitchen implement in a threatening manner NEVER looks like a woman you’d like to see naked in public.” Hamas delenda est!

Mostly Good News Stories, Despite the Iowa Caucus(posted 1/19/24)

Today I’ve got a couple of lighter stories, and a few post-caucus thoughts on the state of the election.

First up, the great conservative humor site Babylon Bee continues to impress.  They ran into a little controversy this week with a joke they posted about Vivek after he dropped out of the race.  It was a silly and harmless joke, but apparently a lot of conservatives got upset enough to give the Bee some grief about it.

Which is really annoying, because we’re supposed to be the folks with a sense of humor.  It’s the humorless leftists who are always getting triggered, pulling their non-binary onesies over their heads and running for safe spaces when a somebody tells a joke involving ethnicity, gender, or pretty much anything.

(I remind you of this oldie:  Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb.  A: THAT’S NOT FUNNY!) 

In his response to the critics, the Bee’s CEO Seth Dillon confirmed my positive impression of him: “Some of our readers have expressed concern about this report, suggesting it did not meet the high journalistic standards they’ve come to expect from us. We want you to know that we’ve listened to you. We’ve heard your voices. And they are stupid.”

Perfect! 

Of all the things that should not be taken too seriously, jokes are right up there near the top.

For example, here’s a humor test: a Breitbart story yesterday reported a survey from the Federal Reserve Bank of New York with the headline, “Factory activity in New York suffered an unexpected collapse in January.”

The story goes on to fill in the gory details: the index of business conditions plunged 29.2 points in January to a negative 43.7, and a drop of 58.2 points over two months.  (Numbers below zero indicate worsening conditions.)  Those stats are the worst since April of 2020, when the economy was decimated by the sudden pandemic lockdowns.

Don’t see the humor in that?  It’s in a subtle word choice from the headline: “unexpected.” 

Okay, so I’m no Norm MacDonald.  But I find the absurd to be funny, and nothing is more absurd than a bunch of leftists foisting economy-crippling policies on a state, and then calling the resulting cripple-ation (cripple-osity?  cripple-tude?) “unexpected.”

It would be like saying, “Dems Prevent Cops from Arresting Criminals; Crime Unexpectedly Skyrockets.”  Or, “Newsom Tries to Fiscally Rape Productive Taxpayers; Productive Taxpayers Unexpectedly Flee California.” 

Or, “The DNA Test Results for Blonde, Blue-eyed Liz Warren are in: She’s Unexpectedly Categorized as Super-Duper-Blindingly White.”  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

In another feel-good story, Bilal Nofal has been eradicated.

I know what you’re thinking, and no, “Bilal Nofal” is not a super contagious virus that we’ve discovered a cure for.  Although come to think of it, you should have probably always maintained at least 6 feet of distance from Bilal Nofal.

Because Nofal was a top Hamas spy chief, “in charge of investigating suspects of espionage.”  That means he sadistically tortured people he suspected of helping the Jews.

I use the past tense because on Tuesday the IDF was flying a plane over Nofal and then – yada yada yada – he experienced a SBAMD.  

If you’re not up on your military acronyms, that’s a Sudden Ballistically-Assisted Molecular Disassembly.

Also, since it’s never “too soon” to mock a dead terrorist scumbag, here’s a fun fact: Bilal Nofal’s name can be disassembled and reconfigured (just like his body was on Tuesday) (HA!) into the anagrams “albino fall” and “anal fob ill.” 

(Cue the NBC “The more you know” theme music.)   

Ooh, I’ve got one more.  If only CO would make me the honorary headline writer for Cautious Optimism, I would title the above story as follows:

“Anal Fob Ill F**ks Around with the Jews; Unexpectedly Finds Out.”   

And here’s one more feel-good story, this time from Missouri, where a burglar named Darren Venneman was plying his trade of breaking into houses on Strawberry Lane in Qulin last Saturday night.

Unfortunately for him, the homeowner was a Second Amendment enthusiast, who responded by shooting him five times.  In other words, Venneman got ventilated on the mean streets of Qulin, Missouri. 

If by “mean streets” you mean… Strawberry Lane, I guess?  Yeesh.

Venneman was airlifted to a hospital, but died of his wounds.  The local sheriff says that the homeowner won’t face charges, since he acted in self-defense. 

Because: Red State!

But even in common sense red states, people still have to endure the scourge of the media.  And local media seemed to sympathize with the burglar, calling his death “tragic” and “untimely” and an “unforeseen tragedy.”

Though it sounds to me like his death was extremely timely, in that he broke in and was immediately – you might even say “punctually” – shot. 

Also, “unforeseen” is close enough to “unexpected,” and thus worth a Simpsonian “HA-HA!”  (As in, “Moron Breaks into Gun Owner’s House, is Unexpectedly Shot.”)

Nonetheless, the media story ends by expressing condolences to Venneman’s friends and family, saying, “May they find strength and support during this difficult time.” 

But judging from local commenters’ reactions to the local news story posted on Facebook, the community is coping with their grief just fine. 

Sample comments include, “Excellent! Good for that homeowner!” and, “Try that in a small town!!” and, “This is how we thin the herd.” and, “Bet he won’t do that again.”

Indeed.  God bless Missouri!

Finally, I congratulate the always-Trump contingent of CO nation after the first caucus; the polls were accurate, and Trump’s margin of victory in Iowa was impressive.

I’m still a DeSantis supporter, and while I’m not surprised at the depth of support for Trump among the base, I’m disappointed that I won’t get to see RDS give Biden the old SBAMD in November.  (Not least because I think Biden would have been forced to debate RDS at least once, and that would have been a blood bath for Brandon!  I know that Trump would destroy Biden too, but by refusing to debate in the primary, he’s given Biden’s handlers the excuse to refuse a debate in the general, which he will absolutely do.)

DeSantis is a fighter, but absent a meteor strike in the next month or so he’ll have to withdraw, and Haley is farther to Trump’s left than Trump is to DeSantis’ left, and thus she’s not an option for me.   

So the base has made its choice, and the die has been cast, and we must win in November, so when RDS suspends his campaign, I’ll be getting back on the Trump train with both feet.  

I’m really hoping that the optimism of the super-MAGA segment of CO nation (and the entire nation) is justified.  I’m more worried than that, for reasons I’ve mentioned elsewhere, but I also see some positive signs, too.  The bogus lawfare cases against Trump seem to be crumbling on several fronts, and polls indicate that a lot of people (though not as many as should!) see those cases as illegitimate.

Trump still has his strengths, and if we can keep Biden from dropping out, Trump’s biggest weakness (his historically bad, underwater disapprove/approve numbers of -15 points) should be trumped by the fact that Biden is the only other pol in recent history with the same, -15 number. 

And Biden’s all-around terribleness should ensure that number doesn’t get any better, and will likely get even worse!

And Trump’s numbers in Iowa remind us that you’ve got to give it to him: the man is a human tornado!    

I want to see him drop out of the sky and destroy a bunch of MSM empty heads, then skip a few miles before descending and turning the DNC headquarters into kindling, then skip up again and come down on Biden’s White House and level the place. 

Would I like it if he could also discipline himself, and maybe avoid dropping down and taking out some grade schools and orphanages, and some conservative subdivisions full of people who don’t love him but will support him, too? 

Absolutely.   And if he could say at least two or three smart and funny and true things for every counter-productive one, that would be another bonus. 

His speech on Monday and his interview on Wednesday were steps in the right direction: “We’re going to make this country so successful again, I’m not gonna have time for retribution.  And remember this, our ultimate retribution is success.” 

Yes!  More of that, please! Hamas delenda est!

I’m Still Capable of Being Surprised, Up to a Point (posted 1/15/24)

You know the kind of cliches that indicate that something will never happen?  Like saying, “The gals on the View will have an intelligent conversation… when pigs fly.”  Or, “Joe Biden (RIP) will achieve a foreign policy success… when hell freezes over.”

Well I think I’ve discovered a new cliché of that type.  And I can use it in a sentence.

Like this one: “The MSM will cover a conservative fairly … when a big blue city’s Democrat mayor says something true about economics.” 

Okay, so it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.  But on January 10th, when a reporter tried to get New York City (RIP) mayor Eric Adams to criticize Gov. Hochul’s decision to not raise taxes, he said this accurate thing, which I swear I am not making up:

“Well, we are one of the highest-taxed states in the country outside of California, and you have to find the right balance.  [I]n NYC in general, 2% of New Yorkers pay 51% of our taxes.” 

And then – flap your wings to warm them up, piggies – he said, “We’re seeing a hemorrhaging of, not only working class people, but we’re concerned about losing that high tax base…” 

Before he finished with – strap your skates on, Hitler, Jeffrey Epstein and Fidel Castro – “…because that tax base pays for our police officers, our teachers, our firefighters, keeps our streets clean.”

I know.  You could have knocked me over with a feather plucked from the wing of an aerodynamically successful swine. 

A leftist mayor said something true about the dangerous results of leftist fiscal policy.  I think this might be a new day dawning.  We might be on the verge of a return to sanity, opening the possibility of a functional bipartisan—

Oh no, wait.  This just in, from one day later:

When asked in an interview about the unfolding illegal immigrant disaster in his city, Adams said that NYC “has done a great job” handling the surge, and that, “This has nothing to do with sanctuary cities.  Migrants and asylum seekers are paroled into the [country].  They’re here legally.”

Annnddddd… we’re back.  Pigs can’t fly.  Hell is still hot.  And big city Dem mayors are still allergic to reality and accountability.

Case in point, the Round Mound of Unsound Policy, Illinois Governor Pritzker, has sent a letter to Texas Governor Abbott, asking him to stop sending illegals to Chicago.  “I plead with you for mercy for the thousands of people who are powerless to speak for themselves.  Please, while winter is threatening vulnerable people’s lives… do not send more people to our state.” 

In recent months, Pritzker has called Abbott’s policy “a cheap political stunt,” and in his new letter he complained that, “Hundreds of children’s and families’ health and survival are at risk due to your actions.” 

Got that?  It’s not Biden’s fault for inviting millions of illegals to flood across the border, and it’s not Illinois Democrats fault for declaring Chicago a sanctuary city for all of the future illegal Democrat voters in south and central America (mi casa es tu casa!).  It’s the Republicans’ fault.

Your party has opened the border, J.B.  I know how surprised you are that even with all of this global warming that is about to boil us to death, the forecast for Chicago right now is for a freezing cold winter.

If only there were some places where the Mexicans, Guatemalans, El Salvadorans and Venezuelans could live where they weren’t in danger of becoming Latinx-cicles.

Oh wait.  There are such places.  And they’re called Mexico, Guatemala, El Salvador and Venezuela. 

So get off your high horse, put down that comically oversized turkey leg, and give your party’s leader a call.  (Fair warning, though: you may need a Oujia board.)   

One final piece of advice, and this is a paraphrase of Claudine Gay’s immortal words from Animal House (“Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”):  

Delusional, two-faced and double-chinned is no way to go through life, Governor.

Meanwhile, in Texas, rational people are continuing to do things right. 

One such rational person is Terry Willis, a resident of a Houston suburb.  This week his surveillance cameras alerted him to a small group of Biden voters (I’m guessing about that part… but I’d bet Hunter’s life on it) going through his neighborhood, trying the door handles on parked cars.

When four of them came up his driveway and let themselves into his ATV, which was on a trailer behind his truck, he walked out into his yard to speak with them. 

He said, “I apologize that our evil society has given you such a bad deal in life.  Please help yourself to my sanctuary ATV.  Because: Massachusetts!”

Oh no, wait. This story happened in Houston.

So when he walked into his yard, he was carrying his AR-15 rifle.

Because: Texas!

He racked in a shell and said, “I don’t think you want to do this.”  And the criminals ran away, leaving a trail of cowardice and human waste in their wake.

When interviewed, Willis said, “For approximately 20 years, I’ve had a concealed weapons permit.  I’ve also been through hunter safety courses.  I’ve built guns.”

Did you get that?  While leftists have been building DEI programs, abortuaries and memorials to recidivists like Michael Brown and George Floyd, Terry Willis has been building guns!

Did I get a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye, watching that news story?  Maybe.

I can’t think of a better way to end this column than with Terry’s closing words to a local reporter:

“I’ve worked for 40 years of my life.  Everything that I’ve got… never stole anything, and I’m just not taking it anymore.  This ain’t the place to come, because we’re tired of it.”

Yes.  Yes we are.

But if those misunderstood youngsters are looking for a place where citizens ARE willing to take it some more, and are NOT tired of it, I’d suggest Chicago.

But get yourself a clean pair of pants and a nice warm coat first!

Hamas delenda est!