More Good News, Plus a Throwback to January of 2021 (posted 1/8/25)

I wasn’t planning to write another column today, until Mark Zuckerberg made his amazing about-face yesterday, admitting that content moderation on Facebook had “gone too far” and announcing that he’s going to “restore free expression” on the site.

First I pinched myself, to prove that I wasn’t dreaming.  Then I checked the calendar, to confirm that it’s not April Fool’s Day.  Then I re-read his statement, specifically the part where he says that he’s getting rid of his armies of blatantly biased “fact checkers.”

Then I went outside and crouched down low, scanning the skies above me to be sure that there were no flying pigs swooping low enough to collide with me.   

But no.  I wasn’t dreaming, it’s not April first, and there were no porcine aviators darkening the skies over our great country.   A famous and influential censor has apparently seen the error of his ways, and is repenting.

I don’t know whether Zuckerberg has actually learned from experience and had a change of heart, or is only tactically retreating in the face of a free speech ascendancy that’s been energized since November 5th.  (I’m generally cynical about lefties who gain a “newfound respect” for free speech.) 

But the beautiful thing is that it doesn’t really matter.  The end result is more free speech, and that’s a very good thing for our nation, and even better for conservatives.  Because our ideas are better than leftist ones, and when both are allowed space in the public square, ours thrive and theirs wither. 

This also comes at a particularly good time for me, because as regular readers may know, after an eight-year run on the CO site with no Facebook warnings, in the last month I’ve gotten two “offensive speech” warnings, and had two of my columns pulled from this site.

In addition, several of my columns were slapped with ridiculous FB critiques.  For example, when I discussed the fact that “climate change” isn’t going to roast or freeze us all to death within the next 18 months, FB kindly put a text box at the bottom of the column – and on every response and comment! – saying something like, “To learn the truth about climate change, go to climatechangewillkillusall!.gov.”    

But those joke-blockers were as ham-handed as any know-nothing Soviet apparatchiks, and I assume that anyone with an above-AOC-level IQ knows that such “corrections” are absurd. 

And as far as the hate speech strikes and possible banning, the vaunted FB algorithms have proved no match for the brilliant subterfuge of my cunning plan to use… wait for it… pig Latin!  (It’s like the way the US Army used Navajo code-talkers in WWII, only more juvenile.)

Thus, my comments on “ranny-tays” have flown under the radar.  (And no, no matter how many times I’ve been tempted, I haven’t had to deploy the “o-gay uck-fay ourself-yay” yet.  Because I’m a gentleman.)  

Anyway, Zuck’s retreat is good news, and another green flag that things are turning around.  He specifically said that he’s going to end the fact-checking “completely,” replacing it with a “Community Notes” model that Elon uses on Twitter/X. 

Which is another win for me, because I expect that my columns will be getting a mountain of community notes, along the following lines: “This guy is always right!” And, “How does he do it?” and, “We should probably sell all that we have, give it to the poor, and follow him.” 

So with the 20th only 12 days away, we may end up testing Trump’s prediction that we will get tired of winning, saying, “Please, please, it’s too much winning!” 

Finally, since people seemed to enjoy yesterday’s throw-back excerpt from one of my columns from the dark days of January 2021 – new readers apparently weren’t aware that I can write the hell out of an inaugural poem, for example – I decided to close with another blast from the past.

By the way, if you haven’t checked out my WordPress site (Martinsimpsonwriting.com), you should give it a look.   If you click “subscribe” there (it’s free), you’ll get an email letting you know when I’ve posted a new column.  It also includes archives of my old stuff, which means you can go back and re-live the ecstasy of January 2017 or the agony of January ’21.    

Many people say that the entire collection is an example of wisdom literature.  Like the book of Proverbs, or the Analects of Confucious, or the Kama Sutra.

Well, not the Kama Sutra.  If you’re getting THAT out of it, you are really reading it wrong!  

Anyway, here’s another throwback excerpt from 1/12/21, when I was desperately seeking any silver lining in the dark cloud of the impending Biden administration:

“The Dems are such horrific politicians that they are going to over-reach and alienate all but their hard-core base, and to the extent that we can have even fair-ish congressional elections in the future, they should be sailing into a serious repudiation in the mid-terms, a la Obama’s 56-seat House bloodbath in 2010.

Biden has one orthopedic shoe in the grave, and Kamala is a human toothache, and all of the faces of the national Democrat party look like the Elephant Man’s family reunion, morally speaking.  They are not going to wear well.

If they were even room-temperature smart, they could do much more damage by posing as unifiers and throwing a few, pitiful bones to the spineless GOP members who always seem happy for even the most meager of scraps.  Instead, they are so driven by their own malice that they can’t help themselves: they’re going to double-down on their frothing hatreds, and pursue their “enemies” (i.e. half of the country).  Anyone who is not a completely lost cause is going to be repelled by that.”

Okay, so I missed the optimistic mid-term projection.  The only red wave we had was in Florida and (oddly enough) New York.  But as for the rest of my predictions?

I think I can say, as Willie Brown said after he “interviewed” Que Mala for her first job in politics…

Nailed it!

12 days and counting, people…

Satisfying Certification, Terrible Medal of Freedom Choices, & a Few Suggestions for Trump (posted 1/6/25)

My good mood throughout the month of January continues today, when Que Mala will have to grit her teeth and preside over the certification of the election of Donald J. Trump (the “J” is for “Joke’s on you, sleazy Dems”), a ceremony I expect to be blissfully cackle-free. 

It’s supposed to be snowing in DC tomorrow, which could provide a great visual backdrop, since falling snow often lends drama and beauty to an event.  (As those of you who have been well-raised may remember from Wilbur Marshall returning a fumble for a touchdown in blowing snow when the Bears beat the Rams for the NFC Championship on January 12th, 1986.  Obviously.)

I’d love to see Trump and his entourage re-create Jimmy Stewart’s ecstatic jog through snowy Bedford Falls at the end of It’s a Wonderful Life.  He’d come down the capitol steps doing that ridiculous Trump dance, then shout at the over-sized buildings lining the streets.  “Hello, Department of Whatever! Get ready for budget cuts!” before stopping outside of Schumer’s office and banging on the window.  “Happy Certification Day, Mr. Potter!  I mean, Mr. Schumer!”

And then he’d get to the White House Oval Office (because Biden wandered off and left the door open), where everybody would pile in around him.  JD, Elon, Melania, the whole crowd.  And then someone’s phone would ring, and JD’s daughter would say, “Teacher says, every time a bell rings, Hunter snorts a line of coke off a hooker’s behind.”

Okay, that got away from me there at the end.  But you get the idea: everything is looking up!

However, even amidst the joy of the long-overdue departure of Biden and the Bidenettes, ol’ Brandon is doing everything he can to quash my good mood.   

For example, I’m a lot less happy about the Presidential Medal of Freedom I’ve got hanging in my closet, now that Joey Gaffes has started handing out them to people he thinks deserve them.  (I already put my Nobel Peace Prize in a shoebox when Yassar Arafat won one.  And don’t get me started on the voting irregularities involved in the People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive contest!  Sure Clooney looked okay in 2006, and Hugh Jackman in ’08.  And I get it, Chris Hemsworth was Thor.  But for me to get bumped down to runner-up not once, not twice, but thrice?!  Bah!)

Where was I?  Oh yeah.    

Biden handed out more of the awards last week, and sure, not all of them went to bad people.  I mean, Michael J. Fox and Magic Johnson are okay, and Denzel Washington is great.

But consider these “winners” who have received the award from Biden’s cold, dead hands:  Cecile Richards (Planned Parenthood boss who presided over 3 million abortions during her tenure); Lionel Messi (pro soccer player); Hillary Clinton (sexual-harassment-enabler and hideous shrew); Bill Nye (propagandist for non-scientific drivel); and George Soros (real-life Bond villain and vile hater of democracy and all things good). 

I know what you’re thinking, because I’m thinking it too.  How low can Biden go?  A pro SOCCER player?!

HA!  I kid.  But if I told you that I’ve made a list of 5 reprobates, and the LEAST objectionable one on the list was a pro soccer player, you’d know how bad that list is.

But let’s not get caught up in the malicious thrashings of the Biden administration’s death throes.  Let’s look at just a few of the good things we can expect to see starting January 20th:

1. A clear message is going out to all hostile nations that there’s a new sheriff in the White House.  There is a specific way I’d like that message sent, but I know it’s not going to happen.  Still, picture this scenario:

Xi Jinping is having a birthday party for one of his granddaughters in Beijing, and one of the balloons gets loose and floats upward.  The girl cries out, and Xi starts to reassure her that he’ll get her another balloon.

But before he can, a drone rises from behind a nearby treeline, and a brief chatter of machine gun fire pops the balloon.  Everybody scatters, and Xi’s security knocks him to the ground and covers him, as his cell phone rings.  He answers it. 

“Hello Xi, this is President Trump.  Let me explain what just happened.  That was our drone that shot down what I’m sure you’re about to tell me was your granddaughter’s balloon. And maybe it was.  But the last time you launched a balloon, the very stupid man who used to be our president let it float all the way across our country, spying the whole time.  Well those days are over, my diminutive friend.”

“I’m announcing a new policy right now.  I call it my ‘Shoot Down All the Chinese Balloons’ Policy, and it’s going to be fantastic.  People are already saying it’s the best balloon policy they’ve ever heard of.  The people love Trump, and they love this new policy.”

“Also, I’ve heard that you’ve gotten very angry when some of your people pointed out that you look like Winnie the Pooh.  So I’m going to call you Winnie the Ping from now on.  Or possibly Winnie Ji Ping.  I’ll run it by JD and Melania, and let you know.”

“In the meantime, no more balloons, Winnie.  I mean it.” 

And, scene.

2.  Before the election I wrote a policy wish list for Trump, and it included getting rid of birthright citizenship.   Since the election he’s brought that topic up, so I’m hoping he’s got some lawyers studying it and coming up with a plan as we speak.

3. I’d also like to see him mandate the use of E-verify in all states by all employers, using whatever means at hand to enforce it.  This is a federal service that’s been around for almost 30 years; employers can use it to verify a job applicant’s legal status to work in the US.  Right now only 10 states have made it universal and mandatory, while 11 others require it only from government contractors.  Trump should require it in all 50 states. 

According to Gateway Pundit, a 2016 study found that illegal immigration rates fell by as much as 50% in the states that require all employers to use e-verify.  The current estimate is that around 75% of illegals are in the labor force, and if they are forced out of jobs, they’ll self-deport, as over a million did in the 2008 recession. 

Incentives shape behavior, and the ability to work here incentivizes illegal immigration. I’m no lawyer, but I think Trump can use incentives to deploy e-verify nationwide.  I’d use the model the Feds did with the 55 mph speed limit: states who wouldn’t enforce the limit received no federal highway funds.

I’m hoping Trump takes that approach with sanctuary cities and states, and with e-verify: if you won’t cooperate on enforcement, we’ll redirect some of your social spending money to bring in Tom Homan to do the job you’re refusing to do.  And if you try to stop him, he’ll arrest and charge you. 

I’ve got some more ideas, which I’ll post later in the week. Tren de Aragua delenda est!

The Dangerous Temptation of Self-Flattering Lies (posted 1/3/25)

I know that the start of a new year is actually just a date on the calendar, without any magical significance of its own.  And I know that we can always, at any time of year, pause and take stock of what has gone well or poorly in the past, and resolve to make changes in behavior and direction accordingly. But it feels more natural to do all of that at the beginning of January.  

And this year more than most, I’m savoring a real feeling of renewal.  I’m looking forward to the new year in ways that I haven’t since the darkness of the Biden term descended upon us like a plague of morose fatalism mixed with the constant, dull ache of societal dissolution, accompanied by gastric distress and existential angst.

It seemed like every time I turned around, there was a demented old man shaking his fist and screaming at me as he repeatedly tripped over things that are normally un-trip-over-able. And homely men pretending to be homelier women at that time of the month. And a dyspeptic old white lady pretending to be a Cherokee princess (#evenin2025wemustneverstopmockingher), and Nancy Pelosi (#Aiiee!themummywalksamongstus).

And always, ALWAYS – from KJP and the legacy media and every national Dem (except sometimes Fetterman) – the lying about everything, which insulted our intelligence and challenged our gag reflexes. 

And now, all of that is set to go into remission for a while, and I couldn’t be happier. 

In fact, I’ve probably watched 30 hours of online videos of various lefty talking heads gloating before the election about how Que Mala was going to stomp Trump and all of his evil minions, and then whining and crying in the glorious aftermath.  And not just because it is great fun.

Okay, mostly because it is great fun.  To watch the arrogant get humbled, the certain get confounded, and the hateful get Hillary-slapped by reality?  That feels so good that it just might cure cancer. 

And because I love Shakespeare and all edifying drama, I often watch those videos thinking of one of our great thespian’s greatest filmed moments (Arnold as Conan, of course), when asked what is best in life: “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their men who identify as women.”     

But beyond offering hours of schadenfreude-tastic good times, those videos have reminded me of a more serious point, too.  Because those videos demonstrate the baffling inability of so many reasonably intelligent people to answer the two questions that they seem desperate to answer:     

Why did Kamala lose, and why were we so wrong about that outcome?

The many partial answers are as painful as they are obvious: Que Mala was a terrible candidate.  Biden/Harris’ policies were far-left, and therefore produced terrible results.  (Unexpectedly!)  Most Americans don’t want open borders, and the crime, costs and chaos that come with them.  Most Americans know that chromosomes exist, and that putting on some ruby slippers and clicking your heels three times while making a wish doesn’t change that.

I could go on.  So I will.

Most Americans saw through the leftist gaslighting on virtually every subject for four years.  They also remember that Trump was president already, and that he wasn’t a Hitlerian fascist who destroyed the world.

Almost Biden’s entire cabinet and administration – and this goes double for his celebrity endorsers – had SFPI (Simpson Face Punchability Index™) numbers that would tempt the most Quaker-adjacent pacifists among us to wade in and start handing out naps like Mike Tyson at the height of his powers.

Also, like Jacob Marley at the beginning of A Christmas Carol, Joe Biden was dead to begin with.

And yet, even with that gigantic Bingo card full of winning answers staring them right in the face, most of the leftists who are trying to figure out why Que Mala lost – with the partial exceptions of Van Jones and Bill Maher, and maybe a handful of others – are failing completely. 

Because they cannot resist the most powerful force in human psychology: the comforting balm of self-flattering answers that demonize your opponents, while holding yourself blameless.

Rather than acknowledging what a black hole of spineless vapidity Kamala was, they blamed the sexism and racism of American voters for rejecting her.  (How do they explain why Trump was on track to beat Biden even more lopsidedly, despite Brandon’s corpse-y pallor and maleness?  They don’t.)

Rather than admitting that the open-border disaster was ongoing and obvious, they insisted that the border was secure, and anyone objecting was racist.

Rather than admitting that the “Inflation Reduction Act” produced skyrocketing inflation, they said that Trump had left Biden an economic mess (with his 1.5% inflation).

They cheered, “You go, girl!” when ranny-tay “f*male” Olympians were winning pole vault competitions without using a pole.

Their mental blinders are so restrictive that they can’t see who Trump really is, or who conservatives are, or who they themselves are.

I’ll cite one specific example: a NYT op-ed this week from eccentric bloviating oddball James Carville.  (I remember Rush calling him “Snake Head” 30 years ago, and at age 80, Carville has only gotten Snake-Headier.  The man is difficult to look at.  Although I’ve got to admit that that thick gumbo accent of his is kind of fun.)     

Carville says that in his pre-election certainty that Trump would lose, he forgot his own message from the Clinton days, that “it’s the economy, stupid.”  That over-simplification already overlooks so much else that was obviously at play this year (the border, weakness abroad, lefty disdain for traditional America, wokeness, etc.), but he doesn’t even see his pet issue clearly. 

He brags that inflation is “subsiding,” gliding right past the fact that things cost almost 25% more now than they did four years ago, and that even though inflation has dropped from 9 to 3%, that’s still twice as high as when Trump left office. 

Instead, he focuses on a common self-flattering explanation: “perception [of the economy] is everything,” and the Dems “have flat-out lost the economic narrative.”  No, Sneaky Snake, you guys didn’t lose the economic “narrative” – you damaged the economy!

It’s an argument that crops up over and over again: “our policies are great, but people just don’t understand how great they are.”  Which means that either the people are too stupid to recognize your superior ideas (simultaneously flattering to you, and insulting to the people), or the evil conservatives have fooled them (through misinformation, disinformation, or possibly hypnosis). 

Either way, the voters and the GOP are deeply flawed, but the Dems are just fine the way they are. 

Carville is equally wrong about the Dems’ negative focus on Trump – which Carville himself was hissing and frothing about until around 9:00 on election night.  But now he says that the voters didn’t care about Trump’s “indictments…[or his] anti-democratic impulses.” 

Again, the only interpretation of that issue that will make Serpent-Boy and his political co-religionists feel good about themselves is to assume that the indictments, convictions and Trump’s “fascism” have all been substantiated, and the voters are morally deficient enough to be unbothered by them.  

After eight decades on the planet, Carville apparently still cannot conceive of something that most average people instinctively know: the lawfare, indictments and convictions against Trump were transparently illegitimate, and the Dems are the ones who have been “anti-democratic.”

Trump is no more a fascist than AOC is a Mensa member, or Jussie Smollett is a victim, or James Carville is a warm-blooded mammal. 

Here’s the rub, though, as Shakespeare said. (Or was it Arnold?) It’s easy for me to mock the lefties for having this preening, self-justifying arrogance, especially after the blessed electoral butt-kicking that they just received.

But the truth is that this tendency is a part of the human condition, and we fall into it too.  If we don’t always do it all of the time, we all do it some of the time, and we are all susceptible to it most of the time. 

If I don’t get the promotion, the boss is an idiot.  If I try day-trading stocks and lose my shirt, the market is corrupt.  If a few students give me bad teaching evaluations, it must be because they are dullards who don’t appreciate hilarious genius professors.  If a woman turns me down for a date (this never happened, but I’m saying hypothetically), she must be a lesbian.

Sometimes those assumptions are true.  After all, there are bad bosses, crooked businesses, dimwitted students and lesbians in the world. 

But it’s also possible that we’re wrong.  And when we are, we need to recognize it, and avoid the self-flattering – and self-defeating – posture the lefties have adopted since 11/5.  The red flag to look for?  If every single thing that happens – in our personal life, career, or politics – 100% confirms our priors, we’ve taken a wrong turn. 

As the Dems stagger into 2025, they are providing us with an invaluable example.  They’re learning all the wrong lessons, and studiously avoiding looking at what they’ve done wrong, and how it has led them to their sorry current state. 

Let’s resolve that in this new year, we will learn from the mistakes they’re repeating.  Because doing that is a lot less painful than learning from our own mistakes.

And, sure, a lot more entertaining, too. 

Hamas delenda est!

Feeling the Christmas Spirit (posted 12/23/24)

We’ve got a lot to be thankful for this Christmas season, not the least of which is the good news that has been coming out of Israel lately.  And sure, starting with Jewish stories might not seem to be the most Christmasy way to begin a column.  But God started that way too, and we Christians got one of the top two Testaments ever, plus our Savior out of that deal.  So I’m just sticking with what works.

Israel had a great year, if measured by their righteous smiting of their enemies, and compared to their horrific 2023.   Their highlights included the exploding pagers, then the exploding radios and walkie talkies, and also the killings of Hassan Nasrallah and Yahoo Sinwar, along with most of the leadership of Hamas and Hezbollah. 

In fact, the only disappointment from the Israelis came in October, when they carried out air raids and targeted strikes against Iran in the wake of the massive missile barrage Iran had thrown at them.   I had hoped they’d take out all Iranian nuclear sites, since the one existential threat to Israel — and the largest threat to the Middle East and beyond – would be the mullahs of Iran with nuclear weapons.

But in the two months since those strikes, I’ve realized how well that strategy worked.  Israel took out literally all of Iran’s air defenses and most of their ballistic missile program.  While I was hoping for more widespread destruction of Iran’s military and leadership, smarter analysts than me have pointed out that taking Iran’s missiles and air force off the map was a master stroke.

Iran is now deterred more than ever, because they know that the next time they start trouble, Israeli jets can strike Iranian targets with impunity.  And with greatly diminished missile inventories – and Israel’s demonstration in October that they can intercept the vast majority of missiles fired at them – Iran can hope for only a token show of force before they suffer devastating retaliation.

That still leaves the Iranian nuclear development threat. But even on that front, the Israeli strikes achieved more than they had appeared to at first glance.  Because a month after the strikes, Netanyahu officially confirmed that Israel had destroyed a key nuke research facility at Parchin.

The extra-sweet twist to that story: because Iran had been lying to the low-T anti-Semites running the UN that Parchin was a non-threatening, basically dormant facility, they are now unable to run to them whining that the Israelis took out the nukes that they had been insisting did not exist!

Oh, the savory delectability of a heaping bowl of Christmas hummus, glazed with a generous dollop of schadenfreude and served with a side of Nelson Muntz-ian HA-HA!   

A summarizing story from late November featured some perfect observations: “The U.N. nuclear watchdog, the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), earlier this year warned that Iran’s nuclear program has largely run unchecked for the last six years, and it is believed to have increased its stockpiles of highly enriched uranium metals…. But IAEA Director General Rafael Grossi has warned that Iran’s nuclear facilities should not become a target as Israel ramps up direct operations against Tehran.”

And now, if you’ll allow me a moment to crack my knuckles, stretch my arms, and rotate my head back and forth to get the kinks out of my neck like a bouncer preparing to pummel an opponent, I’ll attempt the rare, four-“unexpectedly” paragraph:

After Iran has been lying about their nuclear program for years (UNEXPECTEDLY!), and the lefty squishes at the UN and the Biden administration had adopted a subservient posture to appease them (UNEXPECTEDLY!), Israel went Old Testament on the mullahs, which worked out well (UNEXPECTEDLY!).  (“Down goes Goliath!  Down goes Goliath!”) And then, with the prospect of Orange Hitler returning to power, Iranian Foreign Minister Abbas “tail between his legs” Araghchi “said he was ready to engage in international talks.” UNEXPECTEDLY!

Meanwhile at home, MSM dissemblers are either getting fired or taking pay cuts to keep their jobs.   MSNBC’s already-low ratings have plummeted since the election, dropping by over 60%.  To put that in terms AOC could understand, they’ve lost more than half of their viewers.  That’s literally dozens and dozens of people!

Get ready for the most deserved scare quotes ever:  Their on-air “talent” has either been getting fired, or required to take less pay.  Stephanie Ruhle was offered a pay cut from her current $2 million, and rabid, racist, blonde-hair appropriator Joy Reid – “My culture is not your costume!” says my Norwegian-American smokeshow wife to the Joy-less one – will drop from $3 million.

Which raises the obvious question: How on earth were those two imbeciles earning over a million dollars in their lifetimes, let alone in a single year?!

But it gets worse: Boyish expert in getting everything wrong Rachel Maddow graciously agreed to a pay cut – remember: she does a single one-hour show per week! – from $30 million allllll the way down to $25 million.

While I might be a hilarious genius, I’m no math genius.  But even I can figure out a ratio of viewers to salary, when looking at Rachel Maddow.  (Who, by the way, recently received the most laughably back-handed compliment in history, from a NY Post story.  They called her “MSNBC’s most bankable star.”)

(Not since Jeffrey Toobin’s colleagues told him, “We’ve seen smaller,” has a compliment been so backhanded.)

Where was I?  Oh yeah, Maddow’s viewers-to-salary ratio. I would love to be on the network side of all of these salary negotiations, because they certainly have the whip-hand.  The toughest negotiations are the ones in which the employee has rare and marketable skills, and many suitors wishing to hire them.  Think of a top-notch pitcher who can throw in the 90+ mph range with a lot of control.  If his team doesn’t want to pay him, other teams certainly will.

Now look at Stephanie Ruhle.  Is anyone else on earth elbowing aside competitors to pay her $2 mil?  Or Joy Reid, at $3 million?  I remember my dad saying, when we came across a super-annoying person, “She looks like a long day.”  Well, who needs a low-IQ, racist, long day of a person that badly?

I mean sure, the warped and dessicated Ivy League system will line up for an anti-patriotic whitey-hater to hire and give tenure to.  But not at $3 million a year!   

On an unrelated note, after the new year starts, I’ll be negotiating with CO for an equally reasonable salary of $30 million.  But I’m willing to negotiate down to Maddow-level numbers, even though that pittance would be a devastating insult to me.  

0-0-0

For the next week I’ll be enjoying my favorite rituals of the season.  I’ll be listening to some Christmas carols in brass, along with A Christmas Carol read by Frank Muller.  (No matter how many times I read him, Dickens endures, and gets better somehow.)  I’ll watch at least one or two versions of A Christmas Carol on tv, along with at least parts of It’s A Wonderful Life.   (If you like Dickens and haven’t seen it yet, I’d recommend a recent movie called “The Man Who Invented Christmas” which tells the story of his writing the Carol.)

We’ll go to a Christmas eve service, followed by supper with Karen’s two brothers and their wives.  After a peaceful Christmas day at home, we’ll go up to Tennessee to see my mom, sister and her husband.

Because I’ve been traveling so much, I haven’t had the chance to respond to the comments on my last several columns, but I was touched to hear how many of you have lost loved ones around past holidays.  I knew that my experience of losing my dad at Christmastime wasn’t unique, but I still got choked up hearing that for a handful of COers, this will be your first Christmas without a spouse or loved one.  You’ll be in the thoughts and prayers of many of us here, as you go through the first holiday (always the toughest one) with an empty chair at your table. 

I hope you all have a great Christmas, one in which you savor all you have, and take nothing for granted.

I couldn’t do better than to end with a pitch-perfect Dickensian toast that Dickens gives at the end of the movie I mentioned earlier.  “I wish you all many, many happy Christmases, and friendships, and great accumulation of cheerful recollections, and heaven at last for all of us.  In the season of hope, we will shut out nothing from our firesides.  And everyone will be welcome.”

A Great Graduation, & Positive Signs as the End of the Year Approaches (posted 12/19/24)

I had a great early Christmas with the family, watching my daughter’s graduation and catching up with everybody last weekend.  The best part may have been the most unSimpson-like experience of having VIP seating!

Every year the university gives one Freshman a specific scholarship that pays all expenses (tuition, dorm, food) for all 4 years, plus a six-week study-abroad course in Oxford.  Regular readers may remember that my little sarcastic astro-physicist daughter won that scholarship four years ago. 

She had an amazing time in Oxford, right up until she got a concussion from getting hit in the head by a metal pole while punting past C.S. Lewis’ Magdalen College rooms on the Thames.  (If she had been eating a crumpet while humming “God Save the Queen” during the experience, that would have been the most British thing any American has ever done.)

When my wife picked up our tickets for the graduation, we found out that the scholarship winner’s family gets VIP seating, in the second row center, right behind the spouses of the school’s big shots in the front row, and in front of the faculty. 

My wife got teary eyed when they lead us to the seats, which was sweet to see.  But I just felt like Jed Clampett driving his jalopy up the circular driveway in Beverly Hills.  (How did we get here, and when will someone realize their mistake and ask us to leave?)    

The ceremony was very nice, and we had some good family time for several days afterwards.  We got home yesterday, and I’m going to be heading back down to the Gulf coast to visit a cousin of mine for a few more days, before returning this weekend to get ready for Christmas.  I’ll have one more pre-Christmas column on Monday.

Meanwhile, I thought I’d touch on the continuing stream of green flags I’m seeing in the wake of Trump’s re-election.  (As opposed to red flags – warning signs that something is going wrong – I’m trying to make “green flags” – indicating the opposite – a thing.)

I’m enjoying watching the members of the legacy media still staggering around, their beaks knocked around to the side of their dazed faces like Daffy Duck after he held a bomb that went off.  They’d done everything they could to knock Trump off the political stage, and after his amazing win, they still haven’t figured out if they’re afoot or horseback.

The dullest of them – the competition is stiff – can’t seem to understand that they might be held accountable for their most egregious breaches of journalistic ethics.  Hostile Sunny Hosten has inadvertently started a popular regular feature on The View: the daily reading of the legal notes.

This happens whenever she sprints through the infield of stupidity, into the outfield of cluelessness, across the warning track of dipsh*ttery, and leaps the fence of legal liability, landing on her empty head.  In the booth, network lawyers shriek like the clipboard guy when Ron Burgundy confidently read the teleprompter telling the residents of San Diego to go friend themselves.  (“Oh! Great Odin’s raven!”)

When they come back from commercial, Sunny has to read corrections of her slanderous blatherings, forced on her by ABC so they don’t get sued into oblivion.  (“Matt Gaetz didn’t sexually assault an entire tour group on the House floor.”  “RFK Jr. hasn’t promised to give polio to every toddler in America.”  “Pete Hegseth didn’t shoot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.”)

It’s great fun to watch her force the words out; she tries to read them robotically, but she can’t help grimacing.  The miserable look on her face communicates the corresponding and unending immiseration way deep, deep down in the tiny, compressed cinder of malice where her soul used to be. 

Not to be outdone by Sunny, ex-Clinton hack and pretend journalist George Snuffleupagus climbed up onto a stack of dictionaries so he could look Nancy Mace in the eye during an interview last spring, and then repeatedly tried to shame her for supporting Trump, whom he repeatedly and creepily said had been found liable by a jury for rape.  (This despite the fact that the jury had replied “No” to the first question on the jury form in that sham trial, which was, “Do you find Trump liable for rape.”)

This week his network gave Trump $16 million and a formal apology to settle his defamation suit against them.  George reportedly threw himself on the floor and kicked his tiny feet when he heard that news. 

Luckily for him, ABC must have some real dullards in charge, because they just signed Snuffy to a new, multi-year contract.  Which is good news for the future Trump presidential library, to which the $16 mil of ABC’s settlement has been earmarked.  That thing is going to have more funding than CO’s HQ compound by the time Trump finishes his second term!

It’s stunning that even as the MSM is suffering one mortifying and hilarious defeat after another, many of them seem incapable of learning their lesson.  A great example of that is the clump of biased lefties running Politifact, which fancies itself a “fact-checking” outfit.

Every December they choose a “Lie of the Year.”  I appreciate the magnitude of their challenge this year, since it’s been filled with a cloud of gigantic lies from January 1st to 30 seconds ago.  One would think that contenders for the title would be chosen based on the prominence of the person telling the lie, the overall importance of the lie, and maybe the frequency with which it was told.

By those standards, even in a year as saturated with dishonesty as this one, two big lies would have to top the list.  In second place, I’d put Joe Biden’s repeated promises that he would never, never EVER pardon Hunter, which easily meets all 3 criteria.  It was said by the leader of the free world, it was repeated a dozen or more times in high visibility settings, and since it was used as the basis of hundreds of Dem attacks on Trump (“The moral gulf between Biden righteously accepting the rule of law and not pardoning his son and Trump’s lawlessness is huge!”), it had a huge impact on the election.

But for me, the winner would have to be the omnipresent lie – from every MSM outlet, Democrat official and Dem political analyst/talking head/propagandist – that Joe Biden was in fabulous shape, and totally mentally fit.  Every prominent leftist told it, thousands of times, and it was so patently false that it beggars description. 

And when it was dramatically revealed in the disastrous debate, it imploded an incumbent president’s campaign and forced him out of the race, thereby becoming a contender for the biggest, most consequential lie of this century so far.

So which of those did Politifact choose?  Neither. 

They chose Trump’s claim that the Haitians in Springfield, OH were “eating the pets!”

Okay, Trump was a presidential nominee, and he repeated it a handful of times, mostly when MSM reporters asked him about it, so it could potentially be a contender.  But it may have been a murky combination of exaggeration and lie, because some ducks in city parks were eaten by Haitians, and there were multiple – unconfirmed – accounts of the illegals eating more than just ducks. 

Compare that to the “I won’t pardon Hunter” and “Joe Biden is compose mentis” lies.  Even the most fanatical Democrat can’t dispute that Joe pardoned Hunter, or that Joe is physically and mentally compromised.

But let’s assume that it’s false, and while the Haitians ate the ducks, they didn’t eat the dogs.  In typical Trumpy fashion, the prez used a clumsily (even stupidly) phrased attempt to get at a larger truth: unvetted millions of Third World illegals flooding into small communities create a variety of problems.

I don’t even think you can say that that lie had any important impact.  To the extent that it highlighted the negative impact arising from illegal immigration, at most it added to a perception already held by the vast majority of Americans.  For Politico to choose that lie as more significant than Biden’s top 5 or 10 lies is ridiculous.   

The MSM really has backed themselves into a corner.  If they stick to their propagandistic, leftist ways, their audience will continue to be tiny, and made up of emotionally dysregulated weirdos working on manifestos drawn directly from the DSM-5. 

But if they try to veer back to the political middle, even those weirdos will abandon them.  When Mika and Joe went crawling to Mar-A-Lago to beg the Mango Mussolini to talk to them, almost half of their audience abandoned them.  And that’s 11 people they cannot afford to lose!

CNN has hired intelligent conservative Scott Jennings to try to bring a little viewpoint diversity to their network, which is a risky move.  Just by being not-insane, he has been routinely reducing their far-left panelists to howling rage, and making them look even more ridiculous than they already did. 

That makes for intermittently good television, but how can it possibly work, given the bone-deep bias in the DNA of all of those shows?  Either the new “conservative” hires will quickly acclimate and move to the far left, making their hiring pointless (e.g. Jennifer Rubin and other formerly “conservative” hires at the WAPO or NYT, or the only attractive one on the View), or else they will remain conservative… and mow through the leftist pap on those shows like Sherman through Georgia!

More green flags for January arise from the super satisfying reversals of fate for so many of Trump’s cabinet and governmental nominees.  Medical experts like Jay Bhattacharya and Marty Makary who had been slandered by the Fauci pro-maskers and “vaxes 100% stop the spread” types will now head up medical oversight agencies. 

Border hawks like Tom Homan who were sidelined and frustrated by open-border jerks will now oversee the border. Tulsi and RFK Jr. were dissed and banished from the Democrat party and will now be in positions of authority. 

Of course, the biggest reversal is Trump’s himself, since he went from targeted (literally) “felon” and pariah back to the top of the government.  I can’t help but think of Uncle Jesus’ musings on “the last shall be first and the first shall be last.” 

Am I saying He was thinking of this election cycle? 

In the words of an obscure and failed politician whose name I can’t recall, I’m saying that we should have that conversation.

Hamas delenda est!

A Great Tort Reform Idea, + the Origin of my Liz Warren Mockery (posted 12/9/24)

I am dividing today’s column between a serious proposal to address one aspect of our nation’s crime problem, and a hilarious peek into the origin story of my mockery of Elizabeth “Grandma Squanto” Warren.

I’ve been saving up some crime stories (which I’ll have to get to later this week), but one particular story is on my mind today: the outrageous prosecution of Daniel Penny in NYC.  This tale perfectly encapsulates the delusional dysfunction of leftist theology re: crime, and crime prevention.

Jordan Neely should have been imprisoned or confined to a mental institution long ago, which would have prevented the serious damage he’s done to society and himself for several decades.  And a Good Samaritan like Daniel Penny, who was willing to risk injury or death to subdue Neely and protect the citizens on that subway car, should be praised for his efforts, rather than blamed and prosecuted.

These are familiar points, and there’s no need to rehash them here.  Most sensible people already understand them, and far-left partisans refuse to do so, until (sometimes) they or someone they love is victimized by someone like Neely. 

But one wrinkle in this story is doubly irritating to me: Jordan Neely’s father Andre has filed suit for a ton of money against Daniel Penny.  

I don’t know the family history of either Neely, but the typical pattern in these cases is that absent, neglectful or even abusive family members come out of the woodwork after their troubled relative has been killed or injured.  They wail about the loss, and try to profit from a suit against anyone involved with the killing, usually a city or business that has the deepest pockets.

And sadly, this is indeed typical.  For example, after Kyle Rittenhouse legally shot three previously convicted violent felons who were trying to murder him, he (and the city of Kenosha) was sued by the two dead felons’ families, and by the one surviving felon.

Regular readers know that I am nothing if not a font of mostly brilliant ideas, and a problem-solving machine, and I think I’ve come up with a solution to this plague upon our society.  It involves a team of lawyers forming a nationwide group to automatically sue anyone who launches one of these lawsuits. 

Here’s how it would work.  Daniel Penny goes on trial for Jordan Neely’s death, and Neely’s dad lines up to take millions of dollars from either taxpayers or Penny and his family.  But invariably, recidivist criminals like Neely – or George Floyd, Michael Brown, or the three thugs whom Kyle Rittenhouse shot in self-defense – have left a long line of victims behind them.

My team of intrepid lawyers — call them the “Simpsonian Avenger League (SAL)” if you must (I’m already working on a logo and copyright) – would leap into action, and find the past victims of the dead or injured criminal.  Women he’s beaten or raped, people he’s assaulted or robbed, the family members of people he’s murdered – all would be signed up to a lawsuit against the criminal or his survivors.

Then, in the event you get a low-IQ, blue-state, social-justice-warrior jury, and they award millions to the criminal or his family, the SAL would move forward with their lawsuit.  The money initially awarded to the criminal would be impounded in an escrow account, and as soon as the criminals’ victims won their suits, that money would go to them.

I’d like something similar to be done on behalf of the citizenry at large.  If a recidivist had racked up unpaid restitution judgments, for example, all of that money would be scarfed up and returned to taxpayers. 

I’d also push for one step further: everything that society spent on that criminal – the costs of catching, trying and convicting him, plus the lifetime costs of jailing him – should also be forfeited back to the taxpayers. 

If there were still anything left owing from the judgment to him, I’d deduct all of the taxpayer-provided welfare that person had received: food stamps, housing, taxpayer-paid medical care, etc. 

The SAL would probably become something like DOGE: its members would receive the thanks of a grateful nation after it did its work for a year or two, and then it could go out of business, except for a handful of lawyers needed to continue its work.     

Because the ambulance-chasing lawyers for criminals are motivated solely by money.  And they would soon realize that even if they won ridiculous judgments against people like Daniel Penny, Derek Chauvin or Kyle Rittenhouse, those judgments would immediately be redirected to the victims of their creepy clients.

They wouldn’t get paid, and the baseless suits would stop. 

Okay, shifting gears now, regular readers will also know that I’ve been including running jokes about Liz Warren in my columns for many years.  After each of those jokes, I’ve included “#wemustneverstopmockingher.”

This weekend, as I was going back through some of my past columns (which you can find at Martinsimpsonwriting.com) in search of inflammatory references to “ranny-tays” that might draw the ire of FB censors, I came across the origin story of all of my Grandma Squanto jokes.  And I thought that since many of you may have found this site fairly recently, you might enjoy seeing it.    

It’s from a column dated 12/1/17, which looked back on my favorite events of the previous month.  In one of those events, Trump was giving an award to surviving members of the Navajo “Code Talkers” who served in WWII, and he wedged in an insulting “Pocahantas” reference. 

So please consider this finely-aged excerpt an early Christmas present from me to you:   

12/1/17: 

“But that’s not my favorite story of November.  That honor goes to Trump vs. Pocahontas Warren, Round Two.  Was it classy for Trump to put a rib kick in on Warren when he was supposed to be honoring the Code Talkers at the White House?  Was it juvenile, and a little embarrassing?  Did it still make me laugh?  No, yes, and I’m not too big to admit it.

Warren’s response was perfect, as she stepped right into the trolling trap, calling the name a “racial slur,” and vowing that she will not allow Trump to “shut [her] up.”  Guess what, Liz?  That’s the last thing he would want you to do.   He wants you to keep talking all things Indian – What do you think of the phrase “indian-giver,” Elizabeth?  Any thoughts on the name of the Washington Redskins?  Would you consider yourself a big Columbus fan? — and as you do so, he’s rhetorically putting a huge, feathered headdress on top of your dopey head, turning you into the Native American version of Dukakis in that tank commander’s helmet.

Especially since Warren is supposed to be a leading future Dem presidential contender, we cannot stress enough the sleazy details of her egregious faux-Indian scam.  In case you haven’t followed that story, here are my favorite details.   The blue-eyed, blonde, pasty-white future Senator began claiming to be Cherokee in her 30s, got herself listed as a minority in a directory of lawyers, and ended up with a job at Harvard, where the school touted her as a prominent minority hire.  She later denied that she got any advantage from her claimed minority status – a laughable claim to anyone even the least bit familiar with the political climate of academia.

What “facts” did Warren base her claims on? “Family lore” and the fact that her grandpa had “high cheekbones.”  I’m not making that up.

Hey, you know who else has some high cheekbones?   Melania Trump.  And we all know how feared the Slovenian Sioux were, all throughout the Badlands.

You know who else has high cheekbones?  My Norwegian-descent wife.   And yes, the Slovenian Sioux were only outstripped in their fighting reputation by the Oslo Apaches.  When the war canoes took to the fjords, pioneers knew that they were in for heap-big trouble!

My favorite Warren anecdote is that she once had the gall to submit five supposed family recipes as entries in a book of Native American dishes called – and again, I’m not making this up – “Pow Wow Chow.”

But it gets funnier – and I know what you are asking:  How?  (Get it?)

It turned out that two of her five recipes were plagiarized directly from another source: a man named Pierre Franey.  I know, you don’t often hear of Indians named “Pierre.”  (Although Pierre Horse, after merciless teasing during middle school, changed his first name to “Crazy,” and went on to become a ferocious warrior.  Also, Sitting Bull’s real first name?  “Jacques.”  True story.)

“Don’t be so dismissive, Simpson,” you might be saying.  “Maybe this Pierre Franey was somehow connected to the French and Indian War.  I remember reading about that in school.”

Nope.  It turns out Pierre was connected to… Le Pavilion, a snooty French restaurant in Manhattan.

“But Manhattan was once sold by its Indian inhabitants for a bunch of beads,” you might say.

And I’ll just nod my head sadly, and point out that Pierre wrote and published these two recipes… IN 1979!!

But wait.  There’s more.  The two recipes that she stole – recipes that she claimed came from her Oklahoma-dwelling Cherokee ancestors – were for “Cold Omelets with Crab Meat” and “Crab with Tomato Mayonnaise Dressing.”

Because when you think of lobster, you think of Maine.  When you think of corn, you think of Iowa.  When you think of potatoes, you think of Idaho.

And when you think of crab, you think of… Oklahoma?!

The lonesome, moonlit nights on the prairie.  The wind rustling through the grasses and wheat fields, the howling of a far-off coyote.  The campfire crackling under a starry sky.  And the clacking of millions of crustacean claws, as the great crab herds make their way across the endless plains in their awe-inspiring migration.

We should never stop mocking Elizabeth Warren.”

A few columns later, I first used the hashtag #wemustneverstopmockingher, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Happy Monday, everybody!

Hamas delenda est!

A Few Thoughts on Pardons and Polling (posted 12/6/24)

The Hunter Biden pardon, while aggravating, has not bothered me as much as it otherwise would have, for several reasons that many have commented on.  First, it wasn’t exactly surprising to any of us who aren’t gullible partisan Democrats.

If all of CO Nation had been in a bar on Sunday night – and what a glorious event that would be! – and I got up on a table and said, “Hey, does everybody remember how Joe Biden has insisted for months that he has given his word as a Biden that he would never ever pardon Hunter no matter what, cross his heart and hope to die?  Well he just issued a pardon for Hunter.”

The instantaneous roar from everyone in the crowd of, “UNEXPECTEDLY!” would have produced a sonic wave strong enough to knock me off my feet. 

Second, a bright side of the Hunter pardon is that it represents one more devastating shot at the Democrats’ crumbling credibility.  It not only makes Joey Gaffes look even worse on his way out the door (which I wouldn’t have thought possible, at this point), but it also re-humiliates all the elite Dems and talking heads who lied on his behalf, from “he’s sharp as a tack” to “his refusal to pardon his son shows how much Democrats revere the rule of law, unlike lawless Orange Hitler.”    

More importantly, it gives Trump carte blanche to start tossing out pardons like Que Mala serving up steaming bowls of word goulash. Because any Dem stupid enough to start objecting vociferously is going to get Hunter thrown back in his face.  (And nobody wants that.  Ask any of the hookers to whom that has happened.)

And Trump needn’t come across as just getting even; he could draw substantive and useful distinctions between the way Biden and the Dems weaponized the legal system, and what he’s going to do. 

The law was used against him to turn non-crimes into misdemeanors, and then turn those misdemeanors into felonies, and then those felonies into crimes against humanity.  Democrats tried to jail him for keeping White House documents after he left office, but fought any attempts to even charge Hillary and Joe Biden for more severe instances of the same behavior.

Democrat Attorneys-General Eric Holder and Merrick Garland, and IRS official Lois Lerner were all found in contempt of Congress, and none of them suffered any consequences, while the Democrats jailed Peter Navarro and Steven Bannon for the same infraction.  Etc. and etc.

I hope that on Day 1 Trump pardons every non-violent January 6th protestor (i.e. the vast majority of them), as well as any non-violent abortion protestors.  More controversially, I’d like to see him pardon Derek Chauvin in the death of George Floyd.

That one might be too big of a distraction as he’s trying to get started, because it would inflame millions of low-information voters who have been lied to by the grifters in charge for the last 4 years.  But that case has always been outrageous.  It was a textbook example of a trial that required a change of venue, and in which evidence was tainted by corruption.  (Starting with the Medical Examiner’s initial finding that Floyd’s death was caused by a combination of lethal levels of drugs in his system and the serious damage that had been done to his heart by his life-long drug use.  Political pressure led him to later change his findings to mostly blame Chauvin.)

As I am writing this, the Daniel Penny verdict has not come down yet, but if the NY jury finds him guilty in the death of Jordan Neely, Trump should immediately pardon him, too.  That one wouldn’t be as controversial as Chauvin, because even the majority of New Yorkers know what a travesty that trial has been.

In fact, pardoning Penny would be win-win for Trump, giving him both the chance to right an obvious wrong, and also achieve a political win by sending citizens AND criminals the message that law and order is back. 

I can see him giving a press conference in NYC with Mayor Eric Adams (who is now talking tough on both crime and immigration) standing behind him.  “I love NYC and New Yorkers too much to watch them suffer what’s coming their way if their insane, far-left politicians continue to inflict this kind of helplessness on them.  In fact, anyone who intervenes as a Good Samaritan is going to get a pardon from me if convicted, so start fighting back, because my White House has got your back!”

Trump could hurt himself by obsessing over relitigating the 2020 election and his legal cases, as justified as that would be.  But he could avoid that, and help his administration’s strong start by clearly looking forward, starting with clearing the decks of past victims of the Biden era corruption. 

The second topic on my mind today is the state of political polling. 

You may remember that back in September, I commented on the way Kamala’s team started having her do a lot of interviews after she had ducked them for many weeks.  I said that I could only imagine one reason why: her campaign must have had internal polling showing that she was in much worse shape – and almost certainly losing – than all of the mountains of public polls that showed the election as tied, or with her having a slight lead.  

Otherwise, an obviously vulnerable candidate who was almost certain to implode in even the softest of interviews would have kept hiding and tried to run out the clock.

But now her Senior Advisor David Plouffe (and others, off the record) has admitted that their internal polling never showed her in the lead, particularly in the battleground states. Sure, that proves me right, and justifies the many who have been calling me Nostra-marticus. 

Okay, maybe not “many.”  Because I just made that up.  But I’m hoping it catches on, just the way that I hope “Nostra-dumb-ass” catches on to describe smug doofus Allan Lichtman and his “13 keys.”

But that’s not my main point.

How did her campaign have accurate polling info, when almost the entirety of the rest of the polling world did not?  The public polls weren’t wildly off – the majority did show Trump with a slight, up to 2-point lead, and he ended up winning the popular vote nationwide by around 1.7, even though he swept the battleground states, mostly narrowly.  But I’m wondering about the nature of her internal polls, and also whether the Trump campaign had the same info.

I completely understand “push polling,” i.e. inauthentic polls that play with word choice or demographic sampling in order to produce a favored result: our candidate is ahead, her positions are popular, and she’s got momentum and is winning, so get on the bandwagon.

But there are legitimate pollsters too, and their survival in the marketplace is tied to their ability to get it right as accurately and often as they can.  

That’s why the infamous Ann Selzer Iowa poll – showing Kamala winning the state by 3 points, rather than losing by 13, as she eventually did – was such an odd outlier.  She had previously earned a reputation as the “gold standard” among Iowa polls, and I was really confused by her final, wildly wrong poll.

Until it was revealed after the election that months earlier she had told the Des Moines Register that she was planning to retire after this election.  Which leads to a plausible explanation of why a respected pollster would destroy her own future business prospects by putting out a wildly inaccurate poll that would logically help the Dems and hurt the GOP: she wasn’t planning to be in business in the future.

One thing this election points out: relying on a Real Clear Politics-style aggregation of all polls is a dicey proposition.  Not because RCP isn’t a solid site which offers a great amount of detail for political junkies, but because the people running the site apparently don’t have an accurate way of gauging the honesty, competence or reliability of various polling outfits. 

The rationale for a RealClearPolitics aggregation approach is the appeal to the “wisdom of crowds” idea: when you average data from all across the spectrum, you will get the best approximation of truth.  But the “wisdom of crowds” assumes that the people in the crowd are doing their best to get the right answer, while many in the polling organizations are biased partisans, often looking – consciously or not – to confirm their own priors. 

You can see that in the aggregation.  Rasmussen, AtlasIntel and a handful of others showed Trump with a narrow but stubborn lead, and ended up very close to the final results. But the following polls all showed Harris winning, with similarly narrow but stubborn leads: Ipsos (Harris +2), NPR/PBS/Marist (+4), Forbes (+2), Yahoo (+1) and Morning Consult (+2).

Adding those consistently biased polls to your data pool necessarily means that the aggregation will be skewed.

Ironically – or not – the wisdom of crowds idea was completely vindicated by the betting markets – which consistently showed Trump winning by between a little and a lot.  And that makes sense, because betting markets – while supposedly not scientific, or based on meticulously gathered and analyzed polling data – do recreate the ideal crowd envisioned by the “wisdom of crowds” idea.

They all have their own money on the line, and are thus incentivized purely by the desire to get it right, absent all other considerations of political bias or any rooting interests. 

My conclusion is that we need polls to gauge the state of a race, but the polls that have been wrong in the past should pay a steep price. 

If a car-maker’s vehicles kept blowing up, and a restaurant’s food kept making customers sick, and one of Hunter’s hookers kept giving him the clap – assuming he didn’t already have it. Which… c’mon – we would stop patronizing all of them.

And that about sums up the lefty pollsters’ recent performance: they keep blowing up, making us sick, and giving us STDs.

This year marks the third election in a row where most of the national polls significantly under-estimated Trump’s support across the board.  In a fair world, those polls would be disregarded in the future until they’ve been right for as many cycles as they have now been wrong. 

Which means that we should take NPR, Ipsos, Morning Consult and the rest seriously ONLY in 2040 at the earliest, and then only if they get ’28, ‘32 and ’36 correct!

Hamas delenda est!

These Aren’t Red Flags – They’re Green Flags (posted 12/2/24)

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!  Ours was guaranteed to be good, since we didn’t have to travel.  Karen’s brothers and their spouses came over, and Emily was home from college.  And even though Katie and her husband are in Denver and my sister and mom are in Tennessee, we’ll be seeing all of them shortly. 

Katie is flying in for Emily’s graduation and an early Christmas celebration in a couple of weeks, and we’ll be going up to spend some time with mom and sis for an early Christmas in Tennessee after that, before returning home for Christmas.  So we’ll have three Christmas celebrations this year!

As my favorite month begins, I’m still basking in the continuous waves of good news that are washing over our country since the election.  In fact, as an homage to our instinctive optimism here in the CO nation, I’d like to coin a new term to reflect our sunny outlook: “green flag.”

Everybody knows the term “red flag” – an ominous sign indicating that things are going wrong.  For example, when San Francisco deteriorated to the point that some tech-savvy resident made a “poop map” app so that people could try to avoid the most heavily fecal areas of the once-great city, that was a red flag.

Or as Adam Carolla has said, when LA started to encase some of their highway signs in barbed wire to discourage vandalism, that was a red flag.  Or when hulking dudes in makeup and dresses reading to toddlers became part of public-school curricula, that was a red flag.  I could go on and on.

In fact, if Gavin Newsom actually does run for president in 2028, I’ve already got his campaign slogan: “Drag Queens, Barbed Wire, and Mounds of Human Waste – Newsom ’28!”

But I’d like to point out the opposite of red flags, which I am drawing from the traffic light system – hence, green flags.  (But not in the environmentalist sense.  Because the Green New Deal was a huge red flag, ironically enough.)  By “green flags” I mean positive and encouraging signs that things are heading in the right direction.

Over the last three weeks, I’ve seen a ton of green flags.  And as CO often says, everything is better when turned into a list:

1. I absolutely love the idea that’s been floated of changing the seating arrangement of the press corps in the White House briefing room.  The existing arrangement has always given the best seats up front to the corrupt dinosaurs of the legacy media: the New York Times and WAPO, and the main tv networks.  But that arrangement is anachronistic now.  The big newspapers have been bleeding subscribers for decades, and the network news talking heads are preaching to an ever-diminishing choir.

But in addition to their declining influence, they’ve also shown themselves to be little more than dishonest leftist propagandists, so it makes no sense to continue rewarding them with prime locations and the first chance to launch their sleazy attacks thinly disguised as legitimate questions.

Independent and conservative podcasters have much larger audiences and are driving more of the mainstream cultural conversation lately, and influential conservative outlets such as The Daily Wire, The Blaze and Breitbart have done more honest – though transparently partisan – reporting and commentary than the MSM has done.

So let the far lefties sit in the back near the bathrooms – like the few conservatives in the room have been doing for decades – and learn from their time in the media wilderness to which they’ve been deservedly banished. 

2.  I also love the way the Trumpsters are maneuvering various bad actors into some form of self-deportation.  Of course, the best example is those who have illegally come into the country.  Lefty critics are always saying, “What are you going to do, deport 10 million people?”

But we won’t have to do that.  We can get a lot of easy wins at first, by focusing on those who have already received deportation orders after their asylum claims were denied, and those who have committed other crimes in addition to their illegal entry. 

Catching and deporting several hundred thousand of those will send a clear message, and between doing that and shutting down all of the incentives to try to stay (free housing, food, travel and phones, plus easy access to jobs) we’ll help many illegals see that returning home is their best option.

In fact, Breitbart reported last week that many Haitians who had gone to Springfield, Ohio are already “self-deporting… fleeing to sanctuary jurisdictions such as Chicago and NYC.”  That’s a good first step. 

And after Trump shuts off some federal funding and otherwise pressures sanctuary cities, and they spend a few months with reduced income to deal with illegals – and more and growing unrest from citizens, because these cities are almost all economic basket cases already – those cities will be increasingly undesirable options for illegals.   

I’ll bet that after six months or a year of mass deportations, if we start offering free flights back to their home countries, many people will voluntarily go, especially when the alternative is to go to detention centers from which they are likely to be deported after a relatively short time anyway.   

3. But pressures to self-deport in a different way are also building.  Many of the corrupt bureaucrats in DC – especially in the FBI, intelligence agencies and DOJ – are already scrubbing websites, shredding records and preparing resumes or resignation papers, and good riddance to them.

Additionally, tons of federal employees are still using the pandemic as an excuse to work from home, and requiring them to come back to the office full-time will undoubtedly result in many more resignations. 

Trump is also talking about relocating many DC-centric federal agencies out into fly-over country, which I think is brilliant.  Many employees will voluntarily quit rather than move, some doing so for family or other legitimate personal reasons.  But some will quit because they are snobby coastal elites who look down on the garbage voters who just kicked their arses in November, and we’ll all be well rid of them.

Those who move will generally be those more dedicated to doing their jobs, which will improve the average quality of federal employees.  And for those who are open-minded enough to learn from experience, they’ll discover that the quality of many people and communities in flyover country compares quite well to those they’d been surrounded by in DC. 

Okay, I’ll have more encouraging “green flags” in my column on Wednesday. But I wanted to comment on one other enjoyable mistake the Dems are making as they sift through the ashes of November 5th and try to figure out what went wrong.  

Many Dem and MSM elites have settled on the idea that Kamala was severely handicapped by the fact that Biden got out so late, leaving her so little time to get her campaign up and running.  “Considering that she only had 107 days, I think she did incredibly well,” they say.

Which I find to be comically wrong, for two reasons.  (Besides the obvious: if THAT was “incredibly well done,” what would “terribly done” look like?!)  

First, it blames only Biden for his staying in way too long.  Obviously that was a problem…but it was a problem entirely within the control of the Dem elites, who didn’t just allow it, but aided and abetted it. 

I’m reminded of the dilemma in many families when grandpa is obviously diminished to the point that he’s not safe driving anymore.  Although it makes for an ugly scene, even marginally functional families go through the uncomfortable confrontation of explaining to gramps that they’re taking the keys, because he’s a danger to himself and others on the road.

Only the most severely dysfunctional, social train-wrecks of families LET GRANDPA KEEP DRIVING!  OH!! OHHHH!!!  (There’s your little dose of Sam Kinison for a Monday morning.)

 “Sure, he’s run over a dozen curbs, two pets and a fire hydrant.  And he did rear-end that daycare van full of toddlers yesterday.  But hey, that’s just lovable, avuncular gramps.  In fact, he’s the best gramps he’s ever been.  Sharp as a tack!  How dare you suggest that within the next fortnight he’s going to plow through the front window of a café, killing a dozen customers, because he doesn’t remember the difference between the gas and the brake?!”

Well, that’s what the Dems did.  It was obvious to everybody with functioning eyes that Biden should have been checked into Shady Acres Retirement Village and put on an all-broth diet several years ago.  But they lied to themselves and us, right up until he crumbled on the debate stage.

But the second reason is even more self-flattering Democrat nonsense, because it proposes that Kamala just needed more time on the big stage, when the truth was exactly the opposite. 

We knew from the Dem primaries in 2019 that scrutiny was Que Mala’s kryptonite.  Because when Tulsi lobbed a couple of fair questions at her, she melted into the floor and became the first contender to drop out.

Which was why she was at her “best” for the first 45 days or so of her campaign this time, when she hid out and gave zero interviews.  Far from being hurt by only running for 107 days, she would have had a much better chance if she’d had only about two weeks to campaign! 

The leftist MSM and Dem machine could have filled the air with clouds of BS about joy and a totally phony biography: she’s a tough law-and-order prosecutor who was raised in the middle class, and she’ll be the first half Indian-American and half African-American – but somehow still mostly black – president. 

Not to mention that she’ll be the first woman president!  That’s right, she’ll be the epoch-defining vagician who would break the previously unbreakable glass ceiling, and usher in a glorious new age of female empowerment! 

I’m encouraged by watching the Dem post-mortem election analysis, because almost all of it seems to be shot-through with delusion and denial of their real problems. 

Trump isn’t the demon they think he is.

They’re not the righteous social justice warriors they think they are.

And the American public aren’t the deplorable garbage they think they are. 

So if they can keep this up, continuing to learn the wrong lessons and doubling down on what cost them this election, they should be wandering in the political wilderness for a long time to come.

And we are all here for it.  Come on, January!

Hamas delenda est!

Lots to Be Thankful For, + My Trump Inauguration Speech (posted 11/27/24)

So I was reading the online site Space.com today – as one normally does most Tuesdays – and I came across an intriguing article titled, “A super-Earth beyond Mars would have made Earth nearly uninhabitable.”  The article discussed the implications of recently published research by my daughter, whom the article referred to as a “planetary scientist.”

She’s not technically a “planetary scientist” yet – she graduates in a few weeks with two degrees, in Planetary Science, and Astronomy and Astrophysics, and is applying to start a PhD program in the fall – but she’s the first author on a journal article already.

Also, my older daughter Katie is fully recovered from her surgery last month, and back at work saving lives as a pediatric nurse.  (Thanks again for all your prayers and good wishes.)  And Cassie the Wonder Dog is lying on the floor beside my desk as I write this, radiating canine faithfulness.

Thus ends the “Bragging Dad” section of the column.

As we all prepare for another Thanksgiving, this one seems especially sweet to me.  Everywhere I look, I see evidence that God exists, and He loves us.

And I’m not just talking about my smoke-show wife, smarty-pants daughters and the Gators upsetting LSU and Ole Miss in recent weeks.

I’m talking about bourbon, and ice cream, and scotch, and literature, and music, and beer, and modern anesthetics.  (I’ve getting a root canal next week, and thanks to numbing shots and sweet, sweet oxycodone, I’m not worried about it at all.)  I’m talking about football, both college and pro. (Did I mention that the Gators are bowl eligible, despite having the toughest schedule in the country this year?) (Did I mention the Chicago Bears?  Okay, I did not. But wait ‘til next year!)

I’m talking about living in the greatest country in the world, based on a Judeo-Christian moral foundation that safeguards our rights.  I can worship freely, and speak my mind, and defend myself and my family against violent d-bags – using my constitutionally protected handguns and shotguns.

I’m talking about a nation which has allowed human flourishing in so many areas, including amazing technological advances.   From air conditioning (I don’t know how people settled Florida without it… or why!) to airplanes to cars to computers, we now have access to the greatest products of human creativity.

I’m talking about video and audio recordings of amazing music – not just classical, bluegrass, country, pop and rock, but eccentric, riveting styles from around the world, including Gregorian chants, Mongolian throat singing (check out the Hu Band’s bizarrely hypnotic “Wolf Totem”), and a Georgian Orthodox priest and a young girl singing The Lord’s Prayer in Aramaic, which I can’t watch without choking up.

We can read great writing – from Dante, Milton and Shakespeare to Hemingway, Chandler, Frost and C.S. Lewis – all at our fingertips.  We can access great drama and comedy, and documentaries and movies on any subject, whenever we want.  I can watch Victor Davis Hanson, Ben Shapiro, Thomas Sowell, Milton Friedman and Adam Carolla whenever I’m in the mood.

And the computer allows us to “meet” people and form communities in ways never before possible.  Communities like our very own CO nation, which has been for me a source of information, entertainment and even joy, as I hope it has been for you.  We’ve celebrated cultural and political good news together – and commiserated through bad news – over the last eight years.           

And as this year moves toward its end, we’ve got so much more to celebrate.  This election has renewed and fed our badly dented optimism about the country’s near future, and filled us with gratitude for the opportunities in front of us, and relief over the bullets we dodged on November 6th

It’s also given us more than a little bit of invigorating schadenfreude at the much-deserved dose of karmic whoop-ass and whirlwind-reaping received by some people who needed their ears boxed and their course corrected.  As do we all, from time to time.   

This Thanksgiving and Christmas will be extra happy, because we know that in January our nation will begin to undo the damage done over the last decade and more, and reorient ourselves to what has made our country great.  I am looking forward to this inauguration more than any other in my lifetime.

On Monday I wrote about how I’d love to see Trump troll the left by being sworn in on a copy of Project 2025.  And because I am basically a child trapped in a man’s body, that started me fantasizing about the inaugural address I’d like to see Trump deliver.     

Am I saying that my version ranks up there with Lincoln’s second inaugural, and should therefore be carved on the walls of the future Trump Memorial in DC? 

To quote a failed presidential candidate whose name escapes me, “I’m saying we should have that conversation.”

So as my Thanksgiving gift to you, here’s the speech that I’d load into Trump’s teleprompter on January 20th:

“First let me thank the citizens in the battleground states, which I swept in an unprecedented way.  Never been done before!  Nobody has ever seen anything like it.  Certainly not the pollsters, who are very stupid people, let’s admit it.

The “Blue Wall,” they called it!  They were right about it being a wall, but they got the color wrong.  They got it wrong!  Because we built a fantastic Red Wall.  We won the popular vote, we built a red wall, and soon we’ll build a big, beautiful border wall!  You’re all going to love it, believe me.

I’d also like to thank my beautiful wife Melania.  She’s gorgeous, isn’t she?  She came here the right way – LEGALLY! – and she gave me my gigantic, genetically superior son, Barron. 

And my other children too, from my other wives, each one younger and more beautiful than the last.  People are always asking me, “Sir, how did all of your children turn out so great?  They’re all so successful, not a loser in the bunch.  None of them took bags of illegal cash from corrupt countries, or recorded themselves snorting meth with hookers, like some other presidential offspring we could mention.”

But I say, “No!  You shouldn’t talk about other people that way, even if they did leave cocaine lying all over the White House.”  Especially not today, which is a fantastic day.  Maybe the best day ever, since it marks our turning away from the horrible failures of my low-IQ predecessors, and toward the amazing dawn of making America great again!  

I’d like to begin my second term with a gesture of bipartisanship, by agreeing to two of the Democrats’ main proposals over the last several years.  Therefore, I am going to grant their frequently and passionately repeated requests to get rid of the filibuster in the Senate, starting now.  I will begin immediately pushing all of my policies through, on all fronts, with at least 50 votes in the Senate, using JD Vance’s tie-breaking vote whenever needed.” 

“Secondly, I hereby agree to an 18-year maximum tenure on the Supreme Court.  Sadly, that means that Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito and John Roberts will be forced to retire this year.  I will immediately nominate strict constructionist/originalists to replace each of them, and ram them through the Senate confirmation process.  It also means that Justices Sotomayor and Kagan will be forcibly retired during 2027 and 2028 respectively, and I will appoint their replacements as well.  Doing so will ensure that when I leave office, we will have a solid court with an 8-1 conservative majority, and for most of the next 15 years, 7 of those will be my appointees.

During his second term, JD Vance will appoint replacements for Gorsuch, Kavanaugh and Coney-Barrett.  Then Ivanka – the first female president – will appoint Ketanji Brown-Jackson’s replacement in 2040.  Then, of course, Barron will succeed Ivanka after his election when he turns 35 years old, in 2041.

Now if you will all join me in the White House, we’ll be enjoying a state dinner catered by McDonalds.  My Democrat friends can pile into the back of the line of Trump garbage trucks parked on Pennsylvania Avenue for the drive to dinner.

God bless you, and God bless America!”

Have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving, CO Nation!

The Democrats’ Double-Standard on Cabinet Picks (posted 11/25/24)

Okay, now God is testing me.  Because there are too many stories in the news for just one man to possibly cover.  And even though I have the strength of 10 men, there is – tragically – only one of me.  

So today I have to postpone talking about many hilarious stories. 

Stories such as Rob “Meathead” Reiner checking himself into a “facility” to try to cope with his post-election, TDS-induced blues.  (Which I am not making up.)

Or the story of one of the assistants to Alvin Bragg – the slimy New York DA who divides his time between trying to jail Trump for crimes against humanity and making sure that as many dangerous illegals flood the streets of NYC as possible – gets mugged by… wait for it… a many-times-deported illegal!  (Also not making this up.)

Or the story of a Chicago Democrat who has tracked down the biggest disaster in his crumbling city: racist traffic cameras.  (Not made up.)

Or the story of the dimwits on the View being so unhinged that they had to read 5 legal corrections about slanderous comments they’d made – in just one week! (You can’t make that up.)

Or the story about the TDS-suffering actress (Rachel Zegler) who has been struggling to turn Disney’s big-budget “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” into “Woke Snow Brown and One Little Person plus Six Normal-Sized People.”  Disney spent the last year re-shooting after disastrous preliminary screenings and Zegler’s equally disastrously off-putting woke comments, only to have Zegler unleash another post-election tirade to the effect of, “I hate our potential audience, and hope none of them come to see this film!”  (Disney wishes that one was made up.) 

I hope to be able to come back and revisit some of these stories in all of their hilarious detail. But today I’d like to focus on another story: the gratifyingly quick roll-out of Trump’s picks for key posts in his administration.

Of course the Democrat leadership and the MSM talking heads – but I repeat myself – are trashing most of them, and vowing to oppose their confirmation.  Which will have the same effect as stamping their little feet and holding their breath, except for being less entertaining.   

If you have lefty friends who start railing about Trump’s picks, ask them this question: “How many of Biden’s political picks can you even name?”  Sure, they’ll probably remember Que Mala.  (Did you know that she was raised in the middle class, and contrary to public opinion, did NOT fall out of a coconut tree?) But after that, not so much.

To the extent that they recall anyone, it will usually be due to some scandal.  For example, who was that bald freak with the super-red lipstick and all of the stolen ladies’ luggage?  Or the military guy with the weird “dress-like-a-dog” fetish?  Ooh, or that dude who dressed like a homely woman going to the worst-ever costume party as Captain Kangaroo?    

When your lefty friend can’t name any Biden choices, humor them by naming those people, and then ask how impressive they’ve been.  For example, the Transportation Secretary is Mayor Pete.  He has no background in transportation at all, no degree in any related field, but during his confirmation he talked about how he’s always liked trains.  Seriously. 

The real reason he was hired was because he was in the primaries, and he’s gay.  So the obvious thing to do was to give the gay guy who likes choo choo trains a cabinet position.  And then look the other way when he takes maternity leave to rest up and recover from the enormous physical strain of not giving birth to the baby that he didn’t conceive, carry or deliver.  Because spoiler alert, even the most effeminate of dudes can’t have babies.    

Oh, and also, nevermind about that deadly train wreck in Ohio that he dropped the ball on.

Go down the list.  Merrick Garland is a corrupt, partisan hack, and would easily be the worst attorney general in the last 40 years, if Obama hadn’t picked Eric “Steadman the Wingman” Holder and Loretta Lynch, thus making a competitive medal-stand for the “Worst AG” finals.

Secretary of Defense is Lloyd Austin, who was in office during Biden’s unbelievably botched flight from Afghanistan, and who disappeared for several weeks to get surgery without telling anyone.

Secretary of State is Antony Blinken, who has never met a foreign conflict he can’t make worse, including giving aid and comfort to Hamas and constantly trying to bully Israel.  And so on. 

Meanwhile, Trump picks RFK Jr. to lead HHS, and the left loses their Schiff.  I recently read Maureen Callahan’s new book on the Kennedys and their treatment of women, so no Kennedy is great in my book.  But RFK has been very involved in health and nutrition issues, was right about the dangers of big pharma and Fauci’s vax mandates, and is not the anti-vax loon the Dems are claiming he is.

Still, the lefties are howling, “He’s not even a doctor, and has no formal medical training at all!”  I was just about to predict that next they’ll be banging their well-worn credentialism drum, boasting about how all recent Democrat presidents picked only docs who went to prestigious Ivy-League med schools.  

So I looked it up.  And let me ask you: of the last 6 HHS heads appointed by Democrat presidents, how many of them do you think got their medical degrees from one of those top schools? 

Would you believe zero?  In fact, would you believe that they earned zero medical degrees among them, at ANY school? 

That’s right.  Jimmy Carter appointed 2 lawyers for that post.  Clinton picked Donna Shalala (a poli-sci PhD); Obama chose Kathleen Sebelius (BA and MA in non-medical fields) and Sylvia Burwell (2 BAs in non-medical fields).  And Biden (RIP) appointed Xavier Becerra, a lawyer who doesn’t know a rectal thermometer from a regular one.   

So the Dems can zip it on RFK Jr., even though they won’t. 

As they won’t about the rest of Trump’s picks, who are generally very strong, and capable of bringing much-needed changes to their various posts.

However, I do think that Trump has made at least one lousy pick so far (not counting Gaetz), and that’s his choice of Lori Chavez-DeRemer for Labor Secretary.  I saw that CO linked to a story about her yesterday, which tells me that most of you know the basics about her background.

For the record, I’m not against private sector unions. But I agree with FDR and the influential early union bosses who didn’t think there should be public sector unions, since by definition they bargain with their own allies against the taxpayers.  (E.g. Chicago unions put Chicago mayors in office, getting sweetheart deals from the mayors who are then indebted to them, and they stick taxpayers with the bill.)

You don’t have to look very closely to know that DeRemer is not on the conservative side.  She’s one of only 3 House Republicans to vote for the PRO Act, a Big Labor bill that originated in California (strike 1) and pushed to get rid of secret ballot votes in union elections (strike 2), in favor of so-called “card-check” procedures that allow corrupt union bosses to intimidate their members into voting their way (strike 3). 

She’s also a big favorite of one of the worst people in the country, teachers’ union boss Randi Weingarten, who cheered Trump’s pick of DeRemer.  You don’t have to be Socrates to understand that when your worst enemies are celebrating one of your choices, that was a bad choice.

On the other hand, there’s no reason to over-react.  If DeRemer were to get confirmed, and she tried to pull any underhanded tricks to undermine Trump’s agenda at the behest of Weingarten or her minions, I’m confident that Trump would fire her in a minute. 

But why put yourself in that position in the first place? 

Regular readers know that I was a DeSantis guy – and still admire him and think he’d make a great president – but that I’ve voted for Trump three times, and I’m ecstatic that he won, and can’t wait until January.  His overall picks are great, and I’ve never looked forward to a presidential term like I’m looking forward to this one!

That being said, I’m a conservative, and wherever MAGA overlaps with conservatism, I’m super-duper-ultra-MAGA.  Where it doesn’t, Trump is still my guy, but I’ll support efforts to get him to steer his course back toward conservatism.    

Having said that, I’d like to pose an uncomfortable thesis to CO nation about DeRemer: If you had looked at her background last week, you’d say that she was a deep-state, RINO corrupticrat in the pockets of the sleazy, student-neglecting teachers’ unions.  And you’d be right. 

But after Trump has picked her, and you hear me cogently point out her Weingarten-y-ness, are you tempted to get your back up and call me a RINO (which is blasphemy, as Dr. Allan Lichtman could tell you!), and deny that she’s a bad pick? 

I think we need to aggressively support Trump against the bad-faith attacks of the Left.  But when he’s wrong about something, we need to be able to say that and debate it, without triggering internecine battles that make us look like the Democrats who are tearing themselves apart right now.  

Okay, rather than end on that down note, I’d like to give Trump his due as an amazing troller; his McDonalds and garbage truck stunts were great, and a perfect counter-move to Kamala’s inauthentic and over-cautious timidity.

I hope he continues trolling the left right up until inauguration day.  In fact, I’d love to see him get up to take the oath of office, but at the last minute tell the crowd that instead of putting his hand on the King James Bible, he’d like to be sworn in with his personal copy of Project 2025, which he will begin implementing immediately afterward.

And then do the goofy Trump dance when Imhotep Pelosi loses her dentures and Chuck Schumer has a heart attack.

I’d also like to see him follow Sherry Meyers’ advice and announce a surprise cabinet pick: Grandma Squanto Warren to head up the Bureau of Indian Affairs. 

#wemustneverstopmockingher

Hamas delenda est!