Tag: palestine

Tucker Goes Off the Rails, & Jamaal Bowman Thinks the N-word Causes Obesity? (posted 7/10/25)

As enjoyable as it is to make fun of leftists when they beclown themselves, we also need to call balls and strikes on our side too.  And I have to do that now with Tucker Carlson, who has sadly joined Jonah Goldberg as one of my formerly favorite voices on the right who has gone off the rails.

Within the last year I’ve written about Tucker doing some inexplicably bad interviews.  He talked with a weirdo named Darryl Cooper – Carlson called him “the best and most honest popular historian” – who claimed that Churchill (not Hitler) was the chief villain of WWII, and that the Nazis killed millions of POWs out of pity, to save them from starving to death.

Because the Nazis were known for nothing more than their humanitarian compassion for the sub-human untermenschen.

Tucker also did a shockingly sycophantic interview with Putin, in which he praised the magnificence of a Soviet Potemkin subway station, and the cleanliness and great prices in a similarly phony Moscow grocery store. 

His recent debate/interview with Ted Cruz was another low point.  He used cheap gotcha questions, bad faith arguments and ad hominem attacks in the service of a utopian, anti-war stance that he contradicted a few minutes later.  When he asked Cruz what Iran’s population is and Cruz admitted he didn’t know, Carlson adopted an exaggerated astonishment, asking how Cruz could justify going to war with Iran when he doesn’t even know the population.

The debate was about the wisdom and risks of Trump potentially striking Iran’s nuke facilities, and Cruz asked the obvious question of what difference it would make, in that context, whether Iran’s population is 80, 90 or 100 million?  Carlson snapped, “If you don’t know anything about the country—” and when Cruz objected, Carlson asked what the ethnic breakdown of Iran was.

Cruz (correctly) answered that it is Persian and mostly Shia, but then refused to play Tucker’s game further.  Carlson accused Cruz of not believing that Iran has tried to kill Trump – a pretty well-established fact, I think – or else he would have supported going to war with Iran beforehand.  Eventually Cruz got Tucker to reveal how dishonest he was being, when Tucker said that if HE believed that Iran had tried to kill Trump, he’d support nuking Tehran!

This following months of Tucker virtue signaling about how he was against even one person ever dying in a war, and calling people “warmongers” and “ghouls” if they supported Israel’s strikes to take out Iran’s nukes and top military personnel. 

Hey Tucker, around 9 million people live in Tehran.  Even my weak, English professor math tells me that that’s roughly 9 million times the one single person you would never want to see die in a war.  

Tucker’s rhetorical games avoided the real issues that the debate should have focused on:  Has Iran been sponsoring terrorist attacks on Israel, America and her allies throughout the Middle East for years?  (Yes!)  Are the Iranian weird beards racing to get a nuclear weapon?  (Yes again!)  Are they likely to use such a bomb to dominate the region and threaten our allies and interests?  (Hell yes!)    

Tucker ignored the (glowing) elephant in the room, instead arguing that Cruz’s position is corrupt and evil because he doesn’t know that Iranians’ favorite food is chelo kebab, and that their top three turns-ons are moonlit walks in the desert, a well-defined unibrow (on a man or woman), and paying others to murder Jews.

Oddly enough, Carlson’s breathless predictions of the resulting apocalypse if Trump struck Iran’s nuclear sites – A forever war! An American ground invasion with mountains of casualties! Russian and China jumping in on Iran’s side! – were quickly proven to be ridiculous hysteria.

Unexpectedly!

But Carlson’s cage-match interview with Ted Cruz looks even worse when compared to the obsequious tongue-bath he just gave to Iran’s president, a man whose name is not even worth my time to look up, since he’s a powerless puppet of the radical ayatollahs who actually rule Iran.  

Carlson went after Cruz hammer and tongs, like Thor after drinking a flagon of mead dosed with cocaine and meth.  (Mmmm, meth-mead…)  But when he talked with Mahmoud the Grouch (on-point puppet reference), Tucker sounded like Oprah interviewing Que Mala.  No follow-ups, no challenges.  Just a series of questions with no pushback whatsoever, no matter how outrageous the lies being spouted.

There are a dozen examples, but I’ll just cite two that made me shake my head so hard I was in danger of becoming self-concussed.  (In the commentary business, we call this, “Pulling a Crockett.”) 

When the prez claimed that Iran has never and is not now trying to build a nuclear bomb – only clean, green, oh-so-civilian nuclear power – Tucker was silent.  He didn’t ask, “Why would the world’s most oil-rich nation need nuclear power?”  Or “Why have you already enriched uranium to the 60% range when civilian use only requires 3-5%?” or even, “Who buries a civilian power plant hundreds of yards under a freaking mountain?!”

Later, Tucker did manage to ask him what’s up with the constant “death to America” chants. 

And Jihadi Lambchop (puppet reference for the over-60 crowd, and Shari Lewis enthusiasts) says that it doesn’t mean “Death to America.”  Don’t be silly.  It really means death to “crimes, to killing and carnage, to insecurity and stability… [and to] “bullying.”

Got that?  “Death to bullying.”  Because who amongst us, when we see bullying going on – or insecurity, too! – doesn’t race up behind the bullying, pull its head back, and cut its head off with our scimitar, while screaming, “Death to bullying!?”

If that doesn’t make you say, “WTF?” or “You’ve got to be Schiff-ing me!” that’s because you’re not Tucker Carlson.  Who just nodded and moved on.   

Watching this made me miss the old Tucker I thought I knew.  But on the bright side, it also taught me something about the Iranian president:  If Jeff Dunham ever fires him from his gig as Achmed the Dead Terrorist’s sidekick (and there’s the puppet reference hat-trick, my narwhals!), his skill at torturing the language qualifies him to land a tenured position at Harvard as the new occupant of the Bill Clinton Chair for Post-Modern Deconstructionist Prevaricating. 

That job comes with a six-figure salary, all the interns you can grope, and some sweet stationery with an embossed illustration from the Kama Sutra under the position’s Latin motto: “Pendeat ex quid significat ‘est’ ‘est’.” 

(In English: “It depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ ‘is’.”)

Rather than leaving you on that down note, I’ll close with my favorite comedy story from the last week in June.  (I know that was last month.  I’m mocking as fast as I can!)

You might remember Jamaal Bowman from that time when he was the congressman who pulled a fire alarm to prevent a House vote that the Democrats were going to lose.  When it turned out that his devious act was caught on camera, his defense was – did I mention that he was a former school principal? – “I don’t know how fire alarms work.”    

So he lost his next election – unexpectedly! – and has now been reduced to selling his blood, collecting cans, and appearing on CNN panels.

In his most recent CNN appearance, he announced that he’s made a breakthrough medical discovery that might hurt my chances of getting the Nobel Prize for Medicine (for my Simpson Gender Confirmation Protocol™ – see yesterday’s column). If he edges me out, I’m going to be at the end of my rope.  Especially after I’ve been runner-up for People Magazine’s Sexiest Man of the Year for the last 20 years running!

(George Clooney?  I get it.  Chris Hemsworth?  Understood.  But John Krasinski?  Now you’re just rubbing salt in my wounds, People Magazine!)

Where was I?  Oh yeah.

Jamaal Bowman has discovered the cause of heart disease, cancer, diabetes and obesity in the African-American community.  And he rushed straight from the laboratory to CNN to explain, in this quote which I swear to you I am not making up:

“You can’t be calm about this! I’m a black man in America! The reason why heart disease and cancer and obesity and diabetes are bigger in the black community is because of the stress we carry from having to deal with being called the N-word directly or indirectly every day.”

And before you can ask: No, he is not talking about the word “narwhal.”  But the fine people at COOSP (the Cautious Optimism Office of Standards and Practices) have asked me to proceed as if he is.

Sure, at first glance this quote would appear to suggest that Jamaal Bowman is a race-hustling, imbecilic grifter.  At second glance, too.  But if you hang in there long enough, at around glance number 147 or so, Bowman’s theory starts to make sense.

So I’ve spent the last 3 weeks researching his claims.  I decided that heart disease is tougher to quantify quickly, so I focused on cancer, diabetes and obesity.  I found 1000 black volunteers and exposed them to various sources of n-word exposure, and calculated how much each exposure would increase tumors, blood sugar levels, and weight gain.

Here are my preliminary results, adjusted per capita:

Reading Huckleberry Finn (one of the main characters is named “Narwhal Jim,” so…) – 1 tumor, a 10 mg/dl increase in blood sugar, and 4 pounds of added weight. 

Watching Pulp Fiction’s “dead narwhal storage” scene –  2 tumors, 15 mg of blood sugar, 10 extra pounds

Watching Richard Pryor “Live on the Sunset Strip” – 5 tumors, 30 mg blood sugar, 30 pounds

Watching any Dave Chappell Netflix Special – 6 tumors, 70 mg, 50 pounds

My research found a little good news, because as with many medical conditions, some people are more susceptible than others.  Sure, for bitter racial hypochondriacs like Joy Reid or Whoopi Goldberg, just hearing a conversation about the west African nation of Niger is close enough to cause a skin rash and 5 pounds of weight gain.

Meanwhile, role model and great man Clarence Thomas – who has been called a “house narwhal” by half the malevolent leftists in academia and the MSM thousands of times – is still strong like bull.

Anyway, I’ve got bad news and worse news for Jamaal Bowman.

The bad news is that even though Hippocratic-oath-related concerns forced me to cut my final test short, that one produced the highest rate of TVNE (Toxic Verbal Narwhal Exposure), which resulted from listening to a complete album by any rapper other than Kid Rock. 

To wit: head-to-toe metastatic cancer, more sugar than a super-sized Mountain Dew/ice cream float, and weight class: Pritzker. 

The worse news is the Recommended Course of Treatment: spend more time around white people.

I can hear Jamaal now: The cure is worse than the disease!

Hamas delenda est!

Greta’s Great Adventure (posted 6/25/25)

This story is a couple of weeks old – which feels like years, in this media environment – but it contains too much hilarity and valuable lessons to not comment on it before it disappears from our memory completely.

This spring, an American organization called the Gaza Humanitarian Fund (GHF) was formed, and it soon got the backing of the Trump administration and the Israeli government to start trucking food into Gaza and distributing it to the Palestinians.  Before then, the food distribution had been handled primarily by the UN, and through its usual honesty and competence…most of that food ended up in the hands of Hamas thugs, who then sold it at inflated prices to the Gazans.

The GHF quickly became much more successful, getting the food to the people it was intended for, while cutting out the Hamas creeps who had been preying on them.  Hamas’s response had the maximum Hamas-ness: they started beating and shooting people to keep them from getting the food, especially when the people had started to openly applaud and say, “Thank you, America.”

The MSM jumped right on the story, reporting that the scenes of grateful Gazans were AI deep fakes, and that the IDF had been shooting, and causing the recipients to panic and trample each other.  Because of course they did. 

When the AI story and the smears of the IDF were debunked, the MSM quickly melted away and started lying elsewhere.  Because: ditto.

Anyway, GHF’s performance demonstrated what a legitimate charitable food distribution plan looks like. 

Meanwhile, a boat was sailing from Sicily (and where were the mafia pirates when you needed them?) toward Gaza on a mission to provide an instructive counter-example of what a fraudulent, virtue-signaling PR circle jerk looks like.  And boy, did it!

The most prominent celebrity passenger on The Mental Minnow was Greta Thunberg, of “The climate will kill us all!” fame.   She’s known by many names: The Doom Pixie.  Sweden’s Shame.  Lil’ Miss “How Dare You!”  But she wanted the world to know that she’s moved on to another noble cause: Jew hating.

Greta and the other merry moronic mariners made videos to document their brave journey to, as she put it, “attempt to break the siege and open up the humanitarian corridor by delivering aid like food and medical supplies.”  She waxed eloquent about the “systematic starvation of 2 million people” and “a live-streamed genocide.” 

Of course, that Israeli genocide does not exist anywhere outside of her unnervingly square head.  But the Self-important Scandinavian was not going to be deterred by little things like facts and reality.  

“Hey Martin,” you are probably saying, “did she record those videos while dressed in the traditional garments of her people, i.e. the Sverigedräkten, or Swedish national dress?”

Yes, and no.  (And by the way, nice umlaut you’ve got there.)  She did wear the traditional garment of her people, but her real people aren’t the Swedes, but the anti-Semites.  And their traditional garment is the terrorist tablecloth, i.e. the keffiyeh. 

And yes, she was all keffiyeh-ed up! 

Naturally, the Israelis intercepted the boat, which gave the maritime martyrs the chance to preen and posture.  Greta recorded a video saying that she was being kidnapped, and appealing to the government of Sweden to use diplomatic pressure to get her released, so that she could complete her mission of taking what turned out to be a small cooler of assorted sandwiches and unpronounceable Swedish snacks to the Gazans. 

The Swedes, not usually noted for their sense of humor, managed to have a perfect, deadpan reaction.  As the Mail Online put it, “Sweden has rejected Greta’s plea for help.”  The Swedish Minister of Foreign Affairs, Maria Malmer Stenergard (she sounds hot, but strict) said, “A great responsibility rests on those who choose to travel contrary to the advice given to a place.” 

Then she pursed her lips and gave a curt nod – which my Norwegian wife informs me is the Scandinavian equivalent of an Italian guy spitting on the ground and giving you both middle fingers – and walked back into Umlaut Hall, or whatever the Swedes call their White House.  

The Jews, on the other hand, are quite famous for their sense of humor.  (Which you would know if you’ve ever seen the Three Stooges, Albert Brooks, Jerry Seinfeld, or Bernie Sanders.)  And they gave Greta the business in their press release, which I am not making up:

“The ‘selfie yacht’ is safely making its way to the shores of Israel.  The passengers…were provided with sandwiches and water, and are expected to return to their home countries.  The tiny amount of aid that wasn’t consumed by the ‘celebrities’ will be transferred to Gaza through real humanitarian channels.” 

Perfect!  But after that squirt of seltzer in the eyes and pie in the face, the Israelis also caught Greta’s Groupies with a little Schindler’s List surprise, taking her and her companions into a room where they began to screen the horrific film of the October 7th massacre.  According to Israel’s Defense Minister Israel Katz – and I couldn’t make that name up if I tried – “when they saw what [the film] was about, they refused to continue watching.” 

Because of course they did. 

And within 24 hours, Israel deported the whole rotten lot of them. 

Many people cheered Greta’s failure, but not me.  Because I think she got what she wanted, which was to cosplay as a brave, compassionate do-gooder whose noble mission was thwarted by the dastardly Jews. 

I wish that the Israelis had wrong-footed her by waving her through at the border into the hands of Hamas.  With the help of my conical purple wizard hat, I know exactly how that would have gone:

IDF guy:  Here you go, you morally superior Europeans.  Welcome to Gaza.

Greta (nervously): W-w-what?  Aren’t you going to arrest me, to stop me from bringing aid and sustenance to my Muslim fellow-sufferers under the Zionist jackboot?

IDF guy:  No, no.  You can go right on in.  You see those angry-looking men standing with their arms crossed and sneering?  Those are your Hamas “handlers.”

Greta:  Were those verbal quotation marks around “handlers?”  What do you mean by “handlers?”

IDF: Oh nothing.  Just that they’re going to handle you.

Hamasnik 1 (H1):  Who is that infidel harlot?  She looks familiar.

Hamasnik 2 (H2): I’ve never seen her before.  She has a very square head.

H1: What?

H2: Her head is strange.  Very distinctive shape.  If I had ever seen her before, I would remember that head.

Achmed (just joining them):  What is going on? 

H1: The Jews are letting those infidels come in.

Achmed: Why?  And what’s with that woman’s head?  It’s perfectly square.

H2 (to H1): I told you!  And her eyes are small and beady.

Achmed (snapping his fingers): I know!  That’s Greta Thunberg.  That obnoxious infidel harlot who lectures everybody all the time.

H1:  That’s it!  I knew I recognized her.  (doing an impression in a high-pitched voice) “How dare you?”

Achmed (in a similar voice): “You have stolen my dreams with your empty words!”

H2: I’ve never heard of her.

H1: You’re lucky.  She is terrible.  She screamed at the infidel men, and no one even flogged her!  I can’t imagine having to listen to her.

Achmed: She needs a ball gag to shut her up.

H1 and H2 (looking at each other, then at Achmed): A what?

Achmed:  A ball gag.  (looks at them)  You know, like in the movies, when a woman is… making noise, and…  Perhaps I’ve said too much.

H1:  Perhaps you have, Achmed!

Achmed (changing the subject):  Anyway, how about that head?  She’s the reason Allah made burkas, and told us to cover women with them.

H2: I’m not sure you could get a burka over that head! 

H1: If you did, it would look like you put a burka on a box! 

Achmed: And you’d still have to look at those weird beady eyes through the eye slot.

The three laughed, while Greta watched them, nervously.    

H1: I don’t know how those infidel men do it.

H2: Truly, they are very foolish. 

After a long moment of them staring, and Greta fidgeting…

H3:  Still, she can be my third wife.

H1: Isn’t your goat your third wife?

H3 (shrugging):  Then she can be my fourth wife. 

Greta (turning, dropping to the ground and grabbing the IDF guy’s legs):  Don’t leave me here.  Let me go back into Israel!

IDF guy: You want to come back into the nation of genocidal evildoers?

Greta: Yes, please.

IDF guy: What about the poor, oppressed Palestinians?   

H3 (calling and waving): Hello, infidel harlot?  Bring your square head over here, so I can smite you with the cane of instruction!

Greta (to H3):  No thank you.  But good luck with your intifada! (quietly, to the IDF guy, out of the corner of her mouth): Get…me…out of here.

And scene. 

Hamas delenda est!

It’s a New Month, but Harvard Has Little to be Proud About, & Hamas is Running Out of Sinwars (posted 6/2/25)

Well, it’s the beginning of another Haughty Spirit month, so if you’re super stoked about your sexuality, you do you.  But also, remember that everything doesn’t have to happen in public.  Because there’s a time and place—

Sorry.  My crack staff has just given me a correction, and here at the Simpsonian Institution we strive for accuracy.  It turns out that I’d mixed up my King James texts.  To wit, “Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”

So it’s Pride month, not Haughty Spirit month.  My bad.  Though in past years when I wasn’t able to look away from some parade floats on tv soon enough, I noticed that there was quite a bit of haughty spirit exposed too.  Along with a disturbing amount of big bellies and bare arses.  So thanks for those visuals, you exhibitionist loons.

I’m not going to ask why there’s no heterosexual pride month, because I think it’s weird to feel proud about sexuality.  After all, as Cole Porter pointed out, “Birds do it.  Bees do it.  Even educated fleas do it.”  And I’m not big on recorded sexuality parades of any type, anyway.  (Though if you insist on having one, spotting a “reverse-cowgirl” float as I’m going through the channels wouldn’t be as unsettling as a “dudes in arse-less chaps” float would.)

By the way, note to aspiring rappers out there: Re-read those lyrics.  They’re almost 100 years old and they’re about sex, but they’re still remembered, and they’re still goofy and fun.  And there isn’t a single “b*tch” or n-word in there.  (If you think anyone will be remembering “WAP” a century from now, you’re as dumb as your “songs” sound.)

Anyway, there’s no pride month for eccentric males like me, who prefer women, and I’m not asking for one.  Although again, if we must have some sort of sexuality-related public celebration, I suggest that a Great Beauties Hall of Fame would be a good alternative.  I am even willing to suggest some nominees for the first class of inductees, all of whom had an impact on an impressionable young Martacus: Sophia Loren, Raquel Welch, Farrah Fawcett and Nena (of “99 LuftBallons” fame). 

Loren and Welch were at the height of their powers before I reached puberty, but when I saw both of them on tv reruns – Loren as a sponge diver in a movie I have no other memory of, and Welch fighting off dinosaurs in a fur bikini (that one was based on a true story, I think)…  Well, let’s just say that I knew even then that I wouldn’t be going down the “Mayor Pete Path,” if you know what I mean.

Farrah is self-explanatory, and you wouldn’t think that a doe-eyed, one-named cutie singing in German would stick in one’s mind, but the heart wants what it wants.  And of course my smokeshow wife would be inducted as the first winner in the Lifetime Achievement category. 

Where was I? 

Oh yeah.  I’m hoping that since the cultural tide seems to have turned against some of the excesses of woke sexual foolishness (mandatory pronouns, kowtowing to those with autogynephilia or gender dysmorphia, 57 genders fantasies, etc.), Pride cheerleading might be less ubiquitous and annoying this year.  

Speaking of “even educated fleas do it,” I am loving Trump’s beat-down of Harvard!  As a former academic, I’ve always wondered exactly how much the Ivy League in general hates Jews, free speech, and academic freedom.  And now it looks like we might be getting an answer: way more than $3 billion dollars’ worth!

When Trump first fired a shot across Harvard’s bow – telling them to start abiding by civil rights laws and crack down on Jew-hating freaks who have been disrupting their educational mission, or forfeit some grant money – I figured that the bureaucrats would make a token show of resistance and then sheepishly comply.  I thought that the horrific optics of standing with obnoxious jihadi brats and their tent-ifada would be enough to make Harvard submit, even without financial pressure.

But no!  The arrogant snoots dug their jack-booted heels in for Jew hatred uber alles, even after Trump threatened to take away more federal funds.  So then he said he’d be challenging their tax exempt status, and trying to block them from enrolling foreign students, many of whom are a coveted source of both bundles of cash and hatred of America and the West – two coveted resources for the extremist partisans running Harvard. 

Harvard got their noses even higher in the air – who would have thought that was even possible? – and filed suit against the president, rather than submit.  Of course, partisan left judges are coming out of the woodwork to block Trump (unexpectedly!), but it’s hard to see how they can win this one. 

American taxpayers can’t be forced to fund any university who defies federal laws in ways various and sundry, and no university is entitled to billions in funding automatically.  As a schadenfreude-tastic beneficial side effect, this case is fortuitously exposing the dark underbelly of academe, not just in its anti-Semitism, but in the way it has been decreasing admissions for  American students in favor of unvetted and often anti-American foreign students, and also systematically discriminating against conservative/traditional/pro-Western beliefs in faculty hiring and student admissions. 

Over the weekend CO reposted a tweet from Shabbos Kestenbaum (@ShabbosK) (whoever that is), pointing out that within 20 minutes of Harvard President Alan Garber sanctimoniously proclaiming that, “Harvard is not Harvard without its international students,” Garber awarded an honorary Harvard degree (I’m guessing in “Anti-Semitism Studies?”) to Elaine Kim, who supports efforts to “ban Israeli students from all universities.”

Ugh.  Kestenbaum summarizes the situation perfectly: “Israel is an American ally.  Harvard is not.” 

Yep.

I think Trump’s next move was a stroke of genius: he threatened to send $3 billion in grant money away from Harvard and to trade schools instead.  It’s probably an empty threat, but I like the idea, and it reinforces Trump’s appeal to working class voters: The Dems are for the rich elites getting grievance studies degrees at Harvard, and he’s for blue collar folks learning a trade.   

I’m hoping that if all else fails, and courts stop Trump from letting Harvard admit thousands of foreign students, he can at least give the leftists a taste of their own medicine, and deploy the “due process” gambit.  The State Department can say, “Okay, we’re prepared to admit foreign students.  But we have to give them very thorough, due-process vetting before giving them a student visa. And if that takes 4 or 5 semesters to get done, so be it.”

I feel bad for some innocent foreign students who get caught up in that process, but that’s the price that Harvard is imposing on them by defying the laws (and the taxpaying citizens) of the United States.  Because Ivy League administrators and faculty need to learn the real meaning of something they’ve been chanting for years: no one is above the law!

Finally, speaking of jihad enthusiasts, Hamas might be running out of Sinwars. 

You might remember that Yahya Sinwar was the leader of Hamas, until the IDF caught up with him last October.  He ran into an apartment building in Gaza, where an IDF drone filmed him throwing a stick at it (rumors that he threw like a girl are confirmed, and hilarious) before they assisted him in assuming rubble temperature. 

Well Yahya had a younger brother, and his name was Muhammad.  (Unexpectedly!)  He had helped plan the October 7th massacre, and he had taken his brother’s place as a Hamas leader.  And on Saturday, Israel announced that earlier in May, they had struck an underground compound near a hospital in southern Gaza, thus sending Muhammad to his eternal reward.

Which, if I understand justice in the afterlife correctly, involves an eternity of rectal pitch-forking. 

The Israeli defense minister with the most Israeli name ever (Israel Katz!) named the two most likely senior Hamas successors to the unlamented Sinwar brothers as Izz al-Din al-Haddad and Khalil al-Hayya, and warned them, “You are next in line.”

So if you’re keeping score at home, two Sinwars have been retired, the Katz is out of the bag, and the hyphenated Izz and Khalil are on deck.  If you want to see their near future, open Duckduckgo.com and search “MLB Pitcher Randy Johnson hits a bird.” 

And then picture a flying keffiyeh, instead of a cloud of feathers.

Hamas delenda est!

Why Has America Volunteered to be Weak? (posted 4/7/25)

Well, this is going to be at least a three- or four-column week, because addled lefties are still creating entertaining and educational stories faster than I can mock them.  I’ve got the third in a three-part series of columns on immigration etiquette coming in the next day or two.

But first, on a related note, something else is stuck in my craw.  Because the anomaly that has most aggravated me about our country’s struggles in recent years is that it’s been so VOLUNTARY on our part. 

For most of human history, when nations struggled or faced the kind of systemic problems that our society has had, the problems have been forced on those nations.   For example, late-stage Rome was beset on all sides by strong barbarian tribes; Poland tried to stave off Nazi mechanized and air forces with cavalry; a weakened czarist system was caught off guard by the demonic frenzy of a communist revolution.

By contrast, consider our recent struggles, in foreign policy and at home: 

Foreign policy example 1: Iran’s despotic mullahs are developing nuclear weapons, which we could easily stop.  We wouldn’t even have to do anything ourselves. 

Our president could just get on a Zoom call with Netanyahu and some serious-looking IDF or Mossad guys. (Think: the modern equivalent of Ariel Sharon and eye-patch-wearing bad arse Moshe Dayan.  And you know that Israel has some of those guys on staff at all times, Jehovah bless ‘em.)    

Trump: The weird beards in Tehran are getting froggy with their nukes.  What do you know about that?

Netanyahu: Little bit.

Trump:  Is that DeNiro?  Are you doing DeNiro?

Netanyahu: Are you looking at me? Because I don’t see anyone else here.

Trump: Ah!  I love this guy!  Anyway, if you happened to know where those nukes were being built, and the United States suggested that we have an interest in them prematurely detonating, how long would that take?

Netanyahu: From right now?

Trump: For example.

Netanyahu glances at a guy in a dark suit and sunglasses standing behind him, looking like a non-goy Jason Statham.  The guy steps forward and whispers something to Netanyahu, then steps back. 

Netanyahu: 47 minutes.

Trump: Sweet! I’ll call Jeffrey Goldberg and tell him I’ve got an exclusive story for him.  (Netanyahu’s eyes widen, and he blinks rapidly.)  AH!  Got ya, Bibi! 

Netanyahu relaxes, then crinkles the corner of his eyes and bobs a finger at Trump.  “You!  You got a gift!” 

Trump (pointing a finger back at Netanyahu):  DeNiro again, from “Analyze This!” I love that one.  Anyway, make some Persian rubble bounce, and no tariffs for you.”

And, scene.

Example 2: The Houthis.  

They’re a Third-World militia with souped-up bass boats and a handful of Iranian missiles, and drones you could get from Dick’s Sporting Goods.  And they’ve been holding up world-wide shipping for a couple of years!  All while Anthony Blinken racked up frequent flier miles in rounds of pointless meetings with a bunch of useless UN types and some Islamic “diplomats” who could barely keep a straight face. 

Then Trump gets in, and comes into a WH briefing room after a round of golf, and watches a Houthi “stronghold” get lit up like Michael Moore’s eyes when he spots an unattended ham sandwich.  Then, a couple of days ago, he releases another video, this time of a bunch of Houthis standing around in a rectangular grouping, planning a new attack.

Annndddd…missile strike!  And suddenly the sand is littered with diced Houthis encrusted in sea salt and seasoned with RPG accelerant.   [Begin Homer Simpson filter: “Mmmm, diced Houthis.”]

Trump posted the video with the Trumpiest of all possible descriptions: “These Houthis gathered for instructions on an attack.  Oops, there will be no attack by these Houthis!  They will never sink our ships again!”

And predictably, our legacy media – whom we don’t hate nearly enough – immediately tried to claim that the Houthi terrorists were just a bunch of peaceful Yemenis in a tribal gathering. Their evidence?  Undated photos of other Yemenis in other rectangular groupings during other tribal gatherings.

Got that?  Yemenis often get together in rectangles, and this group was arranged in a rectangle.  Therefore, we put the warheads on the wrong foreheads.  Yada yada yada, genocidal war crime!

Ugh!  If these media hacks were around during WWII, you know they’d be showing Nuremburg rallies with Nazis all lined up in rows, with self-righteous voice-over narration saying, “You know who else liked to line up in rows? [Cut to pictures of a Lutheran worship service.]  See?  Germans, all in rows!  The allies are bombing pacificist Lutherans!  Won’t somebody please think of the Lutherans?!”

One fact that the MSM hacks don’t point out?  If the Houthi gathering we just blew up had been a peaceful assembly of Yemeni civilians, the Houthi militia spokes-jihadis would have immediately released a full-run down of the names and ages of the sainted dead.  Which they have not done.

Unexpectedly!

The same trend of voluntarily choosing weakness has been happening on the domestic front too.  Was there any reason for bunches of cops to stand around watching as hordes of antifa and BLM rioters toppled statues, burned police stations, looted stores and did literally billions of dollars of damage to cities all over the country for months on end?

Was there any reason to watch mediocre male athletes pretending to be females, beating the hell out of actual female athletes, when the nation is full of dads of daughters who would have happily tagged in and beaten the third-rate male athletes like rented mules, if only the relevant authorities would have given them a wink and a nod? 

Was there any reason for the nation to stand by and watch as millions of illegals streamed across our border, picking up free cell phones and voter registration forms before fanning out across the country, after which crime rates and welfare spending skyrocketed? (UNEXPECTEDLY!)

There was not.  We volunteered to act weak and be victimized.   And now, post January 20th, we’ve volunteered to be strong, and commence with the legal and tactical arse-whippings. 

And suddenly TDA members are living like rats (with forcibly-shaved rat heads) in El Salvadoran cages, and Tesla-vandalizing incels are trembling in their mom’s basements as they await the cops’ arrival.  (Maybe you’re not as smart as Elon, kids, because he built cars with a dozen cameras in them, and you keyed and set fire to cars with a dozen cameras in them.)   

And illegals who proudly paraded six months ago with signs proclaiming, “Pay me to hate America!” and, “Cuyo calles?  Nuestras calles!” are now huddled in public-housing apartments from which they’ve displaced American veterans, ingesting the last of their fentanyl stash to try to chase away the nightmares of Hulk Homan™ busting through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man with a New York accent and a phalanx of ICE agents right behind him.           

And Hamas-sympathizers at Ivy League colleges who were recently stomping around in their terrorist tablecloth headgear attacking Jewish Americans are cowering in their dorm rooms trying to avoid authorities, like smelly Yahya Sinwar when he fled to that half-demolished building in Rafah, trying to hide from the IDF drone that moments later gave him the ol’ kosher KABOOM!

Speaking of America-hating terrorist sympathizers on campus, you may not have heard about the case of Iranian “legal scholar” Helyeh Doutaghi, who was fired by Yale a week ago, after being linked to the Palestinian Prisoner Solidarity Network (PPSN), which both the Biden administration and Canada had designated as a terrorist-linked group.

Doutaghi has a long history of spewing the usual Islamist anti-Semitic poison, describing as “Zionist barbarity” Israel’s non-genocidal and non-barbarous response to Hamas’ genocidal and barbarous attacks. 

In addition to the religious bigotry angle, she also has the hateful Marxist lingo down pat, blathering on about how Western democracy is “a system built to serve capitalist property…born in genocide and enslavement…and [intended to deny] freedom and sovereignty to the colonized.” She has also promised to “use everything at my disposal to fight the fascist dictatorship of the United States.”

She seems nice, doesn’t she?

This innocent little dove – she’s got a kind of an Islamic AOC vibe going on – was given a visa to allow her into first Canada and then the US, before she eventually got her teaching gig at Yale. In a March interview after Yale first tried to question her about her connection to the PPSN, she said, “I had been very loud and proud about my [organizing] work…in the anti-imperialist, anti-capitalist and the anti-colonialist movements,” and “[Yale] never raised any concerns” about her “activities.”

Because of course they didn’t.

Anyway, when Yale notified Doutaghi that she was suspended until they could investigate her possible terrorist ties, she refused to cooperate with the investigation, and then was fired. 

When her supporters heard about her suspension and then firing, many of them were especially outraged that this horrific injustice happened during the “holy month of Ramadan.”

To which most normal Americans replied, “Oh NO!  Not the holy month of Ramadan!  Anyway…”   

Because we’re done volunteering to be weak, and to appease the enemies of our country and our culture abroad, and to harbor them here at home. 

Hopefully Helyeh Doutaghi is going through our deportation process as we speak, if she isn’t gone already.

Because I think I speak for most Americans when I say, “Deport Helyeh?” 

Hell yeah!

And also…

Hamas delenda est!

Get Ready for Whiplash: It’s Hamas and Jake Tapper (posted 3/7/25)

Today I’ve got two topics: an update on Hamas, and Jake Tapper’s latest indignity.

Let’s save Jake for last, since we’ll need a light, buffoonish closer after discussing the child-murderers and mass rapists of Hamas.

Regular readers know that I often end my columns with “Hamas delenda est!” as a homage to the great Roman Cato the Elder’s ending to every speech he gave, “Carthago delenda est!”  Cato was reminding his fellow citizens that their enemy in Carthage must be destroyed, and I am reminding CO Nation that Hamas is sorely in need of warheads on their foreheads, as the saying goes.  

I haven’t written about Hamas as much lately, mostly because of the constant deluge of political stories stateside since Trump’s delenda-ing of both the Cadaver and the Cackler in November.

But Hamas is still around, and they still shouldn’t be, and I’m encouraged by Trump’s recent statements that they better release their hostages quick, fast and in a hurry, or else he’s going to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of Big Dreidel.  (You may remember them from “Disemboweling Pager Party, 2024!”)

I know that Israel’s leader is up for it – he puts the “Yahoo!” in Netanyahu – and I’m hoping that with Trump’s support, he hammers Hamas very soon.  Because they are among the worst people to ever walk the earth.

I thought they couldn’t be more bestial than they were on October 7th, but their recent “release” of the bodies of young mother Shiri Bibas and her two toddlers, Ariel and Kfir was possibly worse. 

They paraded the corpses through town in locked coffins with paperwork listing the date of their “arrest” as October 7th.  They set up a stage with huge photos of the dead and Netanyahu, circled by gouts of simulated blood.  After a ghoulish photo-op, they turned the coffins over to the Red Cross.

When the Israelis finally received and tried to unlock the coffins, they discovered that the keys Hamas had given them didn’t fit the locks. When they broke the locks open, they found the coffins stuffed with Hamas propaganda surrounding the bodies.  When they examined the children, they found that they had been beaten or strangled to death, rather than killed in an Israeli airstrike, as the lying jihadi scumbags had claimed.  And when they examined the mom, they found that it wasn’t her body.  It took another day or two for the evil pr*cks to return her remains.

Two other details:  According to video and reports, it wasn’t Hamas “fighters” who captured the Bibas family on October 7th, but “Palestinian” “civilians” who accompanied their cowardly co-religionists to torment the Jews and loot their property.    

And many hundreds – possibly thousands – of those “civilians” danced and sang and celebrated while the black-hearted parade of their victims’ broken bodies was going on.  In that context, what does it mean to call any of them either “innocent” or “civilians?” I know that their children are innocent, since they haven’t yet grown up into the psychopathic, anti-Semitic thugs their parents are raising them to be.

But in all wars, there is collateral damage.  And after Israel has sacrificed so much and lost so many in their heroic efforts to limit collateral damage in Gaza, I think the day is coming when they’ll have to take a page from the empire that once oppressed them, and “Go Roman” on Hamas.

Am I saying that if this kind of devil’s parade makes its way through streets filled with celebrating homicidal freaks carrying murdered Israeli children again, an Israeli pilot flying a borrowed A-10 Warthog should make a low pass down that street with that awesome Gatling gun and cannon blazing?

If I can quote a recently defeated candidate who is at this very moment guzzling box wine and wondering what went wrong – and I think that I can – I’m saying that we should have that conversation.

Whoo.  Glad I could get that off my chest. 

And now, for the silly little man the great Dennis Miller used to call Tap-Tap the Chiseler…

Jake Tapper is coming out with a tell-all book in May about the shameful media cover-up of Joe Biden’s obvious physical and mental frailty.

Did I say “tell-all?”  I meant, “tell-some.”  Because in his diligent spelunking for the truth – the book’s publicity touts interviews with over 200 insiders – he failed to land one key character at the heart of his tale.  The Deep Throat for this Watergate.  The White Whale for this epic quest. 

Okay, I’m getting carried away.  We all know that Tapper is not some significant figure like Moby Dick.  (Though Tapper could pull off one part of that name.) (And in case AOC is reading this, I don’t mean the “moby” part, Your Juiciness.)

#yourwordsnotmine

So the one Moriarity (I can’t help myself) at the center of the coverup that Tapper couldn’t interrogate was… wait for it… Jake Tapper!

Because of course Jake was an unindicted conspirator in the whole mess.  For years he faithfully delivered the ridiculous leftist talking points – Biden is sharp as a tack!  Videos of him looking feeble are deep fakes!  Who hasn’t fallen, and fallen, and fallen up a mobile airplane staircase? – like a yapping lapdog with no moral compass. 

My favorite of his idiotic self-own videos is when he condescendingly interviewed Lara Trump, accusing her of defaming Biden’s cognitive brilliance and barely letting her get a word in edgewise.  And he raised the lamest defense of all – Biden’s phantom stutter – to attack her.

When I first heard the Dems bring that up, I thought that they must be joking.  Because who’s ever heard of a childhood stutter that disappears for 60+ years, then comes back only when an old buzzard creakily shuffles toward death’s door?

But I said to myself, “Martin, you’re a witty and a ruggedly handsome elderly gentleman.  But that’s not important right now.  Because you’re also a fair man, and a working dog and not a show dog.  So you should do some research on stuttering before you dismiss the leftists’ laughable excuse-making as the utter hogwash that it obviously is.” 

So I did my homework, and I searched medical literature for everything I could find about NDSRO (Near-Death Stutter Re-Occurence). 

I looked for all of the common symptoms that Biden had displayed:  Compulsive Hair Sniffing; TOSS (Tripping over Sandbags Syndrome), SHWGS (Shaking Hands With Ghosts Syndrome), and even Emotional Dysregulation with Associated Intermittent CWS and SAHOS (Creepy Whisper Syndrome and Sudden Alarming Hollering Outburst Syndrome). 

And it turns out that none of those exist. UNEXPECTEDLY!

But that didn’t deter Jake the Snake, who followed video of Lara discussing Biden’s inability to speak a coherent sentence with the challenge, “How do you think it makes little kids with stutters feel when they hear you make a comment like that?”

Ugh. Is that not the perfect distillation of dishonest leftism?  A lie, a bad-faith accusation, and then “Won’t someone please think of the children?!”

When she stated the obvious – Biden doesn’t have a stutter, he’s in obvious cognitive decline – Jake wouldn’t have it, and started lambasting her because she has “no standing to diagnose his mental condition.” 

No she doesn’t, Moby.  But she does have something that she shares with the 300ish million in the American PWFE (People with Functioning Eyes) community: she can recognize a doddering old fool when she sees one! 

Just like you could, Jake.  But you took a huge paycheck to look the other way, stick your fingers in your ears and say, “Biden is perfect in every way,” for four long years.

And now, when everybody is free to admit the truth, you’re looking for another big paycheck for writing a book that ignores the complicit Donkey in the room, i.e. you!

Not since OJ Simpson (no relation, people! I can’t emphasize that enough) wrote “(If) I Did It” has a guilty man put out such a blatantly sleazy and hypocritical book.  Tapper’s title is “Original Sin: Biden’s Decline, Its Cover-up, and his Disastrous Choice to Run Again.” 

I would have respected him more if he had at least demonstrated as much integrity as OJ (!), and titled it, “(My) Original Sin…” 

Hamas delenda est!

Israel Ends a Great Week, & CNN and Massachusetts Beclown Themselves (posted 9/20/24)

Well, here it is: my fifth consecutive column in one week. 

Many people said it couldn’t be done, and that I shouldn’t even attempt it.  “Sir,” they said to me, “It can’t be done.  Not do-able!”  (How’s that for just a light dusting of a Trump impression?)

But it’s Friday, and by the time this column is finished, I’ll have produced almost 9000 words of high-quality snarkery in one week. That’s a little more than 32 Gettysburg Addresses-worth! 

And Lincoln didn’t manage a single “terrorists have carnal relations with goats” jibe, even though everybody knows that you’re supposed to open a speech with a joke.  That’s Public Speaking 101.  (And it probably explains why his speech received very few laughing-face emojis, and he had to settle for the title of “Great Emancipator” instead of the more coveted, “President Hilarious Genius.”)

Of course, I’m not saying that taken together, my columns this week are 32 times better than the Gettysburg Address.  But I’m not saying that they are NOT 32 times better than the Gettysburg Address, either.  History will have to be the judge.

And I don’t envy History its very difficult choice.

Anyway, just when I thought I’d wrung every possible laugh out of this week’s cascade of Jewish secret agents – “The name is Bond, Schlomo Bond.  And I take my Manischewitz shaken, not stirred” – giving Hezbo terrorists the best prank calls ever – what with the hand-putations, the high-powered Lasik procedures, and the ballistic circumcisions – I saw CO’s iconic post:

Shabbat Kaboom 

Man I wish I’d thought of that one! 

How did I miss it?  There’s no way I’ll be able to top that.

Wait.  How about “Yom Kaboom?”

“Blast Hashanah?” 

“The Eight Days of Hannu-kaboom?”

No, forget it.  Too derivative.  The moment is gone, and CO has stolen my thunder.

I haven’t been this upset with him since he called me a diva, and said I was getting a big head.  Can you imagine?

I stalked right back to my trailer and locked myself inside.  Then I had one of my people tell one of his people that I’d only come out and write another column after I received two dozen long-stemmed roses and a sincere apology. 

Ah, who am I kidding?  We all know two things about CO: ladies dig him, and men can’t stay mad at him. 

Anyway, while I was fixated on Hezbollah members receiving the scariest phones calls since the famous one in the Muslim horror film “The Syria Scimitar Massacre” (“The call is coming from INSIDE the mosque!”), Democrats were still doing stupid things in this country.

I have time for two examples.

This week a freak-show panel on CNN was discussing what a dangerous, Hitler-y existential threat Trump is and how someone should really rid them of this meddlesome ex-president with a firearm of some kind.  (I’m loosely but accurately paraphrasing.)

Their latest bit of evidence was that Trump recently described how he talked to the Taliban leader, whom he called “Abdul,” about what would happen to him if he killed any American troops.  (He gave the guy a satellite picture of his house, which sent a clear message: if I want to talk to you, I’m going to skip the pager step and go straight to a Hellfire missile.)

So the CNN mouth-breathers barked and yapped about what a racist hack Trump is, saying something like, “he couldn’t even remember what the Taliban leader’s name was, so he just picked the most idiotically cliched Muslim name he could think of: Abdul.  What a xenophobic dope!”   

Annnnnddddd… it turns out that the Taliban leader’s actual name is… wait for it… but you don’t really have to, do you?…. ABDUL!

That’s right.  Nobody on a tv show – surrounded by technology which would allow them to instantaneously find out what the Taliban leader’s name is – could be bothered to instantaneously find out what the Taliban leader’s name is.

Great job, MSM hacks!  You’ve done the nearly impossible, proving that you are actually even lazier than you are stupid!

Our final story of leftist moral idiocy comes from Massachusetts (Unexpectedly!), where a week ago, a small group of people held a pro-Israel demonstration in Newton.  A 31-year-old named Caleb Gannon – he was wearing a pro-Palestine pin and a covid mask, so you know he really has his act together and is firing on all cylinders – noticed the demonstration from the other side of the street.  

So he crossed the street and calmly engaged the pro-Israelis in a respectful and substantive dialogue.  The end.

HA!  I kid.  He actually started screaming, “You’re sick!  You’re supporting genocide!” and then raced across the street through traffic – tragically, he was not hit – and violently tackled 47-year-old veteran Scott Hayes from behind.  Because: compassionate leftism!

Gannon wrestled with Hayes on the sidewalk, punching and trying to choke him, until Hayes pulled out his legally carried pistol and shot Gannon in the abdomen.  It was a clear-cut – and recorded from several angles! – example of self-defense.  Gannon survived, thanks in part to the first aid administered by members of the group he’d just attacked, including Hayes. 

“Has Hayes been given a ticker-tape parade, Martin, or just a key to the city for his heroic actions?” you might be asking.  But not if you’re as smart as I think you are. 

Because this is Massachusetts, and as a reporter explained, they don’t have a “stand your ground” law.

They apparently have a “watch helplessly while a hateful leftist freak charges you and knocks you to the ground” law.  

So Hayes was immediately charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon and violation of a constitutional right causing injury!  Supporters quickly raised $5000 to get him out on bail, and then another $250,000 for his legal defense.

Gannon was not immediately charged with anything (like the guy he attacked was!), but after a public outcry, he was also charged with assault and battery later.

It turns out that Gannon’s social media is full of posts condemning Israel and not Hamas for October 7th, and responding to American Jewish college kids complaining that they’ve been attacked on their campuses by the radical “tent-ifada” Hamas imitators by saying, “good, Zionists should feel unsafe everywhere.”

So stand by for the Massachusetts media’s forthcoming statement that, “We may never know what motivated Gannon to attack the pro-Israel group.” 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to begin my refractory period after this historic 5-column week by taking a little medicinal bourbon and sleeping for 12 hours.   

Hamas delenda est!

Feel-Good Stories: Bibi kills it, DEI Struggles, Israel Takes Out Some Bad Guys (posted 7/31/24)

Our politics lately is so full of knaves, grifters, pathological liars and fake Indians (#wemustneverstopmockingher) that following it can dent the optimism of even the best of us.  Mocking the bad guys takes some of the edge off of that for me, but it also helps to focus on the many positive stories that are happening all the time, too.

Here are a few of those stories from the last couple of weeks:

Bibi Netanyahu’s speech to our congress last week was moving and inspiring, and perfectly emblematic of the courage of a people who gave us the story of David and Goliath.  After the atrocities of October 7th, the Israelis have made great sacrifices to minimize their enemies’ civilian deaths as they wage a war every bit as righteous as our fight against the Nazis and Japanese in WWII. 

And for that they’ve been slandered and lectured by leftists — in the press, in the UN, and in much of the West generally.  They’ve endured condemnation for responding “disproportionately,” and have been told that they must unilaterally cease fire, leaving their hostages in slavery and Hamas terrorists in control in Gaza. 

And then when Netanyahu comes to address the congress of his great ally, the president and VP and around 50 Democrats shun him and boycott his speech.  And the one anti-Semite who does show up is Rashida Tlaib, sufferer of the worst case of “resting jihadi face” in the world!  And the slogans on the stupid little ping pong paddle sign she was holding up were as tough to look at as she is.

And still Bibi was able to give that speech.  If you didn’t watch it yet, you should.  He pointed out and honored some of the battle-scarred Israeli heroes, and the young woman hostage who was rescued by the IDF and reunited with her dying mother, who feared that she would never see her again. 

The kind of moral clarity he displayed is bracing, and its virtue even more impressive when contrasted with the shameful reactions of many of our pitiful elected Democrats.  I love knowing that when a nation is threatened by evil enemies, there are still brave citizens around who will rally to their country’s defense.   

In other good news, we appear to be winning many battles in the culture war. 

Just a few short years ago, the defund the police movement was sweeping across our nation, and DEI propaganda was a dominant force in academia and in most of the corporate world.  But now the “defund the police” mobs have been routed nearly everywhere, including even in deep-blue states and cities, and you can’t find a nationally important Democrat who supports that disproven and delusional cause.   

DEI is just as clearly in retreat, too.  Universities in several states – Florida, of course, and most recently Alabama, among many others – have gotten rid of their DEI emphasis and are dismantling their DEI departments and terminating or reassigning their DEI employees.  In the leftist enclaves of the universities, this is a nearly miraculous development!

Within just the last month, giant corporations including Tractor Supply, John Deere and Microsoft have also all explicitly renounced DEI.  The latter used some sweet corporate-speak to announce the falling axe, with euphemistic phrases such as “[DEI programs] are no longer business critical or smart as they were in 2020.” 

In a perfect world, they would admit that such policies were NEVER smart, and they sure as hell were never “business critical!”  But a win is still a win.

Tractor Supply and John Deere were even more blunt, admitting that they’d screwed up their priorities and insulted their customers, then apologized, and then laid out the specific steps they were taking to completely eliminate DEI from their operations.

The fact that companies like that – whose products are bought disproportionately by straight males with a Liz Warren-esque complexion – had been putting their employees through idiotic diversity training and racial struggle sessions in the first place shows how far the DEI rot had spread!

I was raised in Midwestern farm country, and I never heard a farmer, grain elevator worker, or farm equipment salesman involved in a heated discussion of pronouns.  No fights in a detassling crew ever included the words, “You’re gonna acknowledge your privilege right now, or I’m gonna whip your arse!”   

In fact, no detassler on his first day of work ever challenged a farmer by saying, “You’re telling me to pull the tassles out of the plant because that’s the male part.  But what if that corn stalk doesn’t identify as male?  Won’t misgendering the crops make the harvest inedible?”

Even prominent Democrat pols now implicitly acknowledge the danger that DEI poses to their plans, by trying to defend the concept while simultaneously denying that it has influenced any of their candidates. 

When MSM talking heads howl that it is horribly racist to say that DEI is responsible for Ketanji Jackson being on SCOTUS or Que Mala being their candidate – even though Biden openly said he was making a DEI pick in both cases, by choosing only from among black females for those positions – they give the game away. 

Being called a DEI hire is now clearly recognized as an insult, and that’s a good sign for our culture.

Finally, to prove the main point of this column, as I was finishing it I was interrupted by the news that Israel has just given a big ol’ “ballistic Shalom” to top Hezbollah commander Fuad Shukr. 

(Have you noticed how the names of these terrorists often sound like insults?  “You’re nothing but a damn Shukr!  Why don’t you go fuad yourself?”)

On Saturday, Shukr masterminded the Hezbollah missile strike on a soccer field in Israel, killing 12 Druze children.  And I’m sure that made him feel like a bad-arse jihadi warrior, bravely taking on those soccer-playing kids from the safety of his home in Beirut.

Annnnnndddddd cue the transition card and the French-accented voice-over from Sponge Bob:  “Three days lay-ter…”

…an Israeli drone flew over Shukr’s shack and fired three missiles that collapsed the building on his evil head, before shooting some video of the chaos and then flying away, pumping out a couple of jaunty verses of “Hava Nagila” as it departed.

(Yes, I love the scene in Apocalypse Now where Duvall leads the helicopter attack while they’re playing “Ride of the Valkyries” to frighten the Viet Cong.  And I love the idea of Israeli fighter jets or drones screaming in low over terrorist bases while blasting a shofar.)

And THEN, as I was putting a few final touches on this column – “ballistic shalom” doesn’t just pop into your head on a first draft, people – I was preparing to post this at around 3:30 a.m.  Because I never stop working for CO nation. 

Does that mean you should hit my tip jar at Martinsimpsonwriting.com? 

Probably.

Where was I? 

Oh yeah.  Just before I posted, I took a quick look through the headlines and saw “Israel Takes Out Top Terrorist in Air Strike in Iran.” 

I started to move on, until I remembered that Fuad achieved room temperature in Beirut.  What’s this about Iran?

So I read the article, and lo and behold, the Israelis got a two-fer within 12 hours, taking out an even bigger terrorist piece of merde, Hamas chief Ismail Haniyeh not long after he arrived in Tehran.  There is no info yet on how they killed him, but I bet the details are hilarious.

It’s been a tough stretch for terrorist scumbags lately.  Most of Hamas’ fighters are either dead or cowering in tunnels and pooping in buckets.  Then Iran’s leader decides to take a ride in the mountains on a rickety helicopter and turns into hummus on a hillside.  Then the Iranians pick a new top weird beard, and Ismail comes to town for the big celebration, and…

Like I said, there are a lot of great things going on, if you just look for them.

Defund the police is dead, DEI is dying, Fuad is flattened and Ismail got Is-nailed.        

Say it with me, CO nation…

Hamas delenda est!

The MSM Tries to Cover for Kamala, Schumer Beclowns Himself, & Karma Gets An Anti-Semitic Olympian (posted 7/29/24)

Once again trying to keep up with the news last week was like trying to drink from a firehose. 

I know what you’re thinking: “If we didn’t know what a refined gentleman Martin is, that sounds like a setup for a hilarious Willie Brown joke.”  And maybe it is.  But as you know, that kind of thing is beneath me.  So let’s not act like children, people.

By the way, I just re-watched the two-minute clip from the debate when Trump and Biden talked about golf.  And for the rest of my life, whenever I’m feeling a little down, I will watch that clip and feel the healing balm of laughter.    

Trump’s advisors had obviously coached him up to not over-reacting or show too much irritation, and he did a pretty good job of maintaining a poker face throughout.  But the one thing that put him over the edge was hearing Biden say that he was a 6 handicap.

Trump’s expression – groaning and turning his head away – was comedy gold, followed immediately by Biden changing his handicap to an 8, while Trump shook his head and sarcastically said, “Yeah.  Never.” 

Then Trump gave the coup de grace: “I’ve seen your swing, Joe.  Let’s not act like children.”

I’ve used that line half a dozen times in the last month, including in a friendly argument with my wife.  She was reminding me that I’d promised to give Cassie the Wonder Dog a bath, and that she was not smelling so great.  Technically, she was right, but I could see that Cassie was offended.

So I said, “Honey, I’ve seen your swing.  Let’s not act like children.”  And it worked perfectly.  Karen was completely confused, and I laughed and put out my fist, and Cassie gave me a paw bump and trotted out of the room at my side. 

That’s the closest I’ve come in 35 years to winning a marital argument.  So thank you, President Trump.

Anyway, the Obamas endorsed Kamala on Friday, so now the die has been cast, the Rubicon has been crossed, and the pooch has been screwed.  

I don’t think that even the Democrat party could flip-flop again if her numbers go south, and try to switch in a new candidate at the convention.  So we can all now officially train our fire on Que Mala.  (By which I mean, we can all now tell the truth about her.)

We still need to stay focused, because she starts with an enormous propaganda machine and a mountain of cash in her corner, and the MSM will lie to sell her as outrageously as they lied to sell Biden.  But between her own awkward incompetence and being saddled with Biden’s terrible record, she is clearly beatable. 

In the meantime, her “honeymoon” is providing some dark humor, as we watch the MSM beclown themselves with one blatant lie after another: 

“She wasn’t a DEI pick!” (Even though Biden himself said that she was.)

“She wasn’t the border czar!”  (Even though we can post dozens of MSM headlines saying she was, and we can watch the séance with Joe Biden when he gave her the responsibility for the border.) 

“She’s an exciting, dynamic leader, who has earned her way to the top!”  (<cough> Willie Brown <cough>)

The best and cringiest moment came from poor Chuck Schumer – a hollowed-out husk of a man at this point, though I’m not sure that he was ever much more than that – rolling out her announcement.

In a performance worthy of a “Worst Actor in a Political Farce” nomination, Schumer mimicked enthusiasm, while reading a groan-worthy and unconvincing script, which I swear I am not making up:

“President Biden’s selfless decision has given the Democratic Party the opportunity to unite behind a new nominee.  (Here he began pumping his fists very unconvincingly.) And boy oh boy, are we enthusiastic!” 

Yes.  Biden’s “selfless” “decision.”  You know, like when the Godfather had Luca Brasi hold a gun to that band leader’s head and told him that either his brains or his signature would be on the contract. 

And the bandleader said, “I have selflessly decided to sign this contract.”

Also, nobody in all of human history who was actually enthusiastic has ever had to say, “Boy oh boy, are we enthusiastic!”

Then Schumer said, “So now that the process has played out from the grassroots bottom up…”

Yes.  Because nothing says “grassroots, bottom-up campaign” like a political puppet having a series of closed-door meetings with party bosses and big donors over 36 hours and then emerging as “the people’s choice!”  

“…we are here today to throw our support being Vice President KAMALA HARRIS!” 

And then he actually clapped.  All by himself.  In a room presumably full of Dem party hacks and journalists.  (But I repeat myself.)

After an excruciating several seconds of sad, one-man applause, Schumer dropped his hands and acknowledged the toxic-level of cringe, saying, “I’m clapping.  You don’t have to.”  When the crowd laughed at Schumer’s awkwardness, he finally said, “It’s a happy day.  What can I say?”

How about, “Please accept my deepest apologies for the mortifyingly dishonest kabuki theater I’ve just engaged in.  I’ve shamed myself, my party, and my family.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I will retire from public life forever.” 

But nope.  He just stood there in a room full of spineless sycophants, who couldn’t even bring themselves to sycophant. 

I wish I could have been there, because you know what I would have called out. “We’ve seen your candidate, Chuck.  Let’s not act like children!”

But Schumer had still not hit rock bottom, because two minutes later, before turning the microphone over to Hakeem Jeffries, he made one more attempt to use some flailing arm gestures and faux-rousing rhetoric to elicit some reaction from a captive audience who appeared to be as dead as Joe Biden:

“Today…we begin our next chapter, and it will be our best yet!  Vice President Harris will beat Donald Trump, and [awkward fist pumping with each emphatic word] Become. The. Next. President. Of. The. United. States. Of. America!”

Then he actually looking pleadingly toward the first row, waving his hand back and forth, and plaintively saying, “Applause?”  When not a single person responded, he quickly said, “Hakeem,” and stepped aside, looking like the picture you’d see in a dictionary beside the words, “flop sweat.”   

Ouch!  Tough room, Chuck!

If this bunch of lackeys and sell-outs can’t even be tased into some fake applause, the next four months are going to be entertaining.

There are a lot of good-news stories that I wanted to talk about, but this column is already getting a little long, so I’ll save those for a Wednesday column, and choose just one schadenfreude-tastic story to end with.

This one happened at the Olympics, where a Muslim athlete from Tajikistan named Emomali was matched against an Israeli in a judo competition.  And you’ll never believe it, but the Muslim was a big a-hole to the Jewish guy.

Unexpectedly!

Emomali won the match, and afterward he snubbed the protocol of shaking the Israeli’s hand. Instead, he stalked off, saying, “Allahu Akbar” and giving the Islamic “finger of Tawheed” gesture, which is making a fist with only the index finger raised, symbolizing the Islamic belief that, “There is no God but Allah, and Muhammad is his prophet.” 

And then, because God exists, and He is hilarious, Emomali next faced a Japanese guy, who picked him up and slammed him backwards onto the mat.  When Emomali reached his left arm out to try to break his fall, it bent in a direction it wasn’t supposed to, leaving it dislocated, and Emomali crying in pain on the mat.

I couldn’t help but think of Shane Gillis’ hilarious impression of Trump’s news conference announcing the death of Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi: “We could hear him crying.  I said, Abu, don’t cry.  ‘Crybaby Baghdadi,’ that’s what we were all calling him.”

Meanwhile, Emomali’s defeated Israeli opponent advanced to the next round, because the Algerian Muslim who had been scheduled to fight him forfeited the match, rather than compete against a Jew.  (Unexpectedly.)     

If I could go back in time and see only one Olympic event, it would have to be Emomali doing his impression of a backward-bending chicken leg on the mat. 

Oh no, wait.  I’d go to the 1976 Olympics, and find Bruce Jenner, and say, “Bruce, I’m from the future, and I’ve got to warn you about a terrible, terrible decision you’re going to make in about 40 years!”

But if I could go back in time and see two Olympics, my second choice would be to pop back to this weekend to see Emomali going, “Allahu Ak-OW! OW! OW!”

And as he was being taken off on a stretcher, I’d show him the “Finger of Simpson,” which is very similar to the “Finger of Tawheed.”

Except that it does not involve the index finger.

Then I’d say…

Hamas delenda est!

Biden Storms Normandy, Biden-flation Makes Fast Food a “Luxury,” WAPO Flounders & “Innocent Gazan Journalist” Holds Hostages (posted 6/10/24)

As a Christian, I feel like God communicates with me in many ways, such as through the Bible, and church services, and joyous moments with family and friends.  Even through his creation, as I was reminded of as we drove through some of the beautiful landscape of Colorado last week.

But He’s never spoken to me in an audible voice.

However, this last weekend He seemed to come pretty darn close.  And what did He say to me? 

“Hey Martin, do you believe that I can ever give you more targets for mockery than you can handle?”

To which I replied, “Well, I’m just a mortal man over here, and—”

“And a hilarious one, and one of My personal favorites.  And by the way, you’re welcome for the strength of 10 men, and the smoke-show of a wife, the two great daughters and the Wonder Dog, all of which I have graciously bestowed on you.”

What does one say to that?  “For which I can’t thank you enough. And thanks also for the gift of mockery, which so far has seemed sufficient to keep up with the stream of mockable targets—”

But He interrupted again.  “Hold my wine chalice, and watch this!” 

And a thundering Voice said, “Joe Biden at Normandy, Hunter Biden on trial, WAPO implodes, creepy anti-Semite Brihana Joy Gray fired by The Hill, the MSM scrambles to cover for Hamas, the Nashville trans-shooter’s writings leak out, the two best politicians on earth are a weird-looking Argentinian and a French-Canadian. Should I go on?”

And I was humbled.

So buckle up for another three-column week, because I am just as God made me, and I’m mocking as fast as I can!

To start with, I cannot confidently say that the President of the United States did NOT poop his pants at Normandy.  That’s where we are today, people.

Biden’s team sent him off to D-Day ceremonies hoping to get the kind of inspiring performance on the 80th anniversary that Reagan gave on the 40th.  Unfortunately, Reagan is dead, and so is Joe Biden.  So we got the usual shaky walking, and slurred talking, and lots of gaffes.

Sadly for the national Dems, they wanted the Gipper, and they got the Tripper.  And his power-hungry wife looked even more like a dead-horse-whipper.  (And Hunter got the stripper!) 

I’m here all week, people.  Try the veal.

As sad as it is to say, Biden’s rickety performance at Normandy at least temporarily distracted from some of his troubles at home.  It’s easy to forget, for example, that he’s in a legal tug-of-war over incriminating audio tapes.

I’m old enough to remember when Nixon was forced to turn over tapes of WH conversations.  (Well, not really.  I was alive then, but not paying attention to such boring events.)

Now Biden is doing something similar – fighting to withhold the audio tapes of his interview with Ben Hur – though he’s got a compliant and complicit justice system backing him up, so he has no fear of impeachment, despite having done much shadier things than Nixon ever did.

In defense of Biden, the transcripts of his interview are already out there, as they weren’t in Nixon’s case.  On the other hand, reading the words of a demented old man’s ramblings doesn’t have the same visceral impact as listening to them… which is why his taxidermists are fighting so hard to keep them from the public.

But it’s interesting how history repeats itself.  Nixon was finally doomed by the famous 18-minute gap in his tapes.  (Everyone assumed that he’d erased some damaging conversations.)  But you know that if you added up all of Biden’s silences – as he stared off into space, made multiple tortured attempts to think of a word or remember a point, or just sat like a zombie, before muttering “anyway…” – you’d have a hell of a lot longer silence than 18 minutes! 

In a sane world, a crack team of caregivers from Visiting Angels (sing it with me: “America’s choice in home care”) would have carted him away years ago, leaving Que Mala to step in and start sinking piers, alienating allies, destroying the budget, and generally blowing all opportunities for success like they were Willie Brown.

Too soon?  Okay. Withdrawn.

Speaking of corrupt politics, prosecutors just spent a week proving that in addition to being a dirtbag par excellence, Hunter Biden is undeniably guilty of some perjury and gun violations that carry penalties of more than a decade in prison.

So he’ll likely get the key to the city in DC, and have his child support debt to the ex-stripper further reduced.  It’s a good thing for him that Lady Justice has a blindfold on, because now she can’t even ID him in a lineup as the one who’s been groping and assaulting her.

From the “Unexpectedly” files comes this story from the late, great Golden State:  after only two months of Ken-Doll Newsom’s $20 an hour minimum wage law, CA’s fast-food restaurants have already cut 10,000 jobs!  For just one example, McDonalds has cut hours, raised prices and moved to more automation.

Say it with me, people: UNEXPECTEDLY!

Perhaps the most depressingly revealing fact is that in a recent survey, “78% of consumers say that fast food is now a ‘luxury’ purchase.”

Great job, leftist micro-managers!  You’ve turned your cities into third-world hellscapes, you’ve transformed one of our great actors into a hateful, raving old coot (I’m looking at you, DeNiro.  Yes, I’m looking at you.  Who else would I be looking at?), and you’ve taken the God-gifted natural paradise of California and made it Tijuana north.

And now you’ve managed to reduce the most prosperous population in the history of the world into a bunch of Dickensian orphans who can’t even afford a mediocre junk-food meal.  Well done!

Let’s close on a few happier notes, starting in Schadenfreude Corner:

You may remember recent stories about how the Washington Post has been in a shallow doom spiral lately, and now the doom curve is getting even steeper, and the crisis even more entertaining.  

New management came in last week and fired the Executive Editor Sally Buzbee.  The new CEO then had a meeting with the woke staffers to announce that he was bringing in three experienced guys (one of them from the Wall Street Journal) to try to turn things around.

Then he went through the paper’s dire situation, which most of them had to already be aware of, at least in general terms: revenues have cratered, web traffic is down by half in the last several years, and the paper lost $77 million last year alone. 

So naturally, the staffers recognized the crisis facing them, recommitted themselves to doing honest journalism, and vowed to do everything they could to return the paper to viability.

HA!  I kid because I love.

What they actually did … wait for it… was whine about diversity at the paper! 

Unexpectedly! 

They pointed out that Sally Buzbee had female genitalia, while there wasn’t even a single vagina amongst the four toxically male new big hires!  And also that many of the staffers who have been laid off as the paper began sinking beneath the waves were non-white, non-straight, sexually eccentric people of color! 

So obviously they all need to be re-hired and given raises, to be paid for out of the obscene profits the paper is absolutely not producing, because the whole rotten racket is going down like Que Mala at a promotion meeting with Willie Brown. 

Before the opposition can move to strike, I withdraw that hilarious yet inappropriate analogy.

But I’d be hard-pressed to make up a more damning indictment of the MSM than the scene of a CEO warning that the WAPO needs drastic, immediate changes to save it, and a bunch of coddled J-school malcontents threatening to call HR because they’re being triggered by the insufficient attention being paid to their DEI concerns.

Finally, we got some much-needed good news out of Israel this weekend, when the IDF’s brilliant raid freed four hostages from the clutches of Hamas. 

And of course we also got the very telling reactions from our national Dems and their co-religionist pro-Hamas protestors.  Everyone’s mad about the dozens – or hundreds, or no no, wait, THOUSANDS – of innocent Gazans killed during their rescue. 

Even numbskull Que Mala, after a muted, rote expression of happiness for the hostages, quickly assured the world that “we mourn all of the innocent lives that have been lost in Gaza, including those tragically killed today.”

Of course, they don’t mention that Hamas is responsible for kidnapping and holding the hostages in the first place.  Instead they focus on the damage to the Gazans among whom the hostages were hidden.

“They were unarmed civilians in their homes!” wail our MSM and leftist leadership.

To which I say, doing my fantastic Clint Eastwood impression from Unforgiven, “They should have armed themselves, if they were going to hold innocent hostages in their houses.”

Even more infuriating is that an evil Al-Jazeera “journalist” named Durka Durka Mohammed Jihad was holding three of the Israeli hostages in his own house!  (Actually, his name is Abdallah Aljamal.  But you say “Abdallah,” I say “Hamas.”  Let’s call the whole thing off.)

This story reminds us that we need to view all claims about the vast majority of “innocent civilians” in Gaza with a very wary eye.  Because reliable polling suggests that over 70% of residents support Hamas and celebrated October 7th.

And now we find that a “legitimate” “civilian” “journalist” – I’m about to run out of scare quotes – turns out to be a Hamas-supporting collaborator.  He used his home to hold innocent hostages, thus exposing his whole family and neighborhood to justified military action from the IDF.

And it turns out that several members of his family were reportedly killed, either because they were there in that legitimate military target of a home, or because they tried to prevent the rescue of the hostages.  Either way, they reaped what Hamas has sown.

And as to all of the Hamas terrorists and their sympathizers who died in the rescue raid, good! Wrap their bodies in pigskin and bury them in a garbage dump where IDF K-9 dogs – beautiful dogs!  kosher dogs! – go during training to relieve themselves.

Annnnndddd… I haven’t even gotten to half of the stories on my list.  So I’ll talk with you again on Wednesday.   

Hamas delenda est!

The National Dems Have the Reverse Midas Touch (posted 6/7/24)

You don’t have to look very hard to find a story that illustrates how everything our national Democrats touch metaphorically falls apart, and in a way so obvious that if it were written in a novel, it would seem too ham-handed to be believable.

In fact, a few minutes of surfing around the net brought 3 such stories to my attention in the last week. 

First there was the pier was the Biden administration’s brilliant solution to address the need for food in Gaza.  Never mind that the best way to help the Gazan civilians who aren’t terrorists (however many that is) would be to support Israel fully and encourage them to destroy Hamas ASAP.

And never mind that Israelis were already letting tons of food into the Strip each day, and that Hamas was promptly stealing it all and then selling it to the starving citizens that they obviously don’t care about. 

Because as is always the case with those terrorist thugs, Hamas has gotta Hamas. 

I think Disraeli said that.  Or maybe it was Metternich, or Von Clausewitz, or CO.  I know it was one of those smart guys.    

Anyway, Biden spent a third of a billion dollars to build the pier, and after a few delays it was put into place, and was used to deliver food for several days.  Rumors that that food was promptly commandeered by Hamas thugs go without saying.  (See Disraeli/CO above.)

Annnnndddddd… high winds and heavy seas damaged the pier and partially sunk it, along with driving aground four US vessels operating there.  Three of our service members were injured, one critically, and the Israeli navy had to help us retrieve our beached vessels, and the pier was taken to an Israeli port to be repaired.

Isn’t that the Biden administration story in a nutshell?

“But what about on the domestic front?” nobody is asking. Because everybody knows.

Let’s look at one move that almost always works for the Dems: giving taxpayer money to their pet interest groups to buy their votes.  In this case, it’s the student loan “forgiveness” program, which is actually the “stick working people with the bill for other people’s bad educational choices” program.

But that name doesn’t poll as well.

In an effort to boost Joey Gaffe’s image, one prominent Democrat posted a heartfelt “thank you” on X last week, in the form of a screen shot of his college debt balance now being reduced to zero.

Annnnddddd… the stunt crashed and burned like a rickety Iranian helicopter falling onto Solyndra headquarters in the middle of a Sam Bankman-Fried speech.

Because the Dem in question was St. Paul, MN mayor Melvin Carter, who makes between $130-$170K per year.  Normal Americans immediately ratioed him into next week, pointing out that his employees and fast-food workers are now paying off his student loans. One wise guy commented, “So much for the rich paying their fair share.”

On top of all that, the story also reminded people of Biden’s boast that when SCOTUS blocked him from “canceling” student debt, he did it anyway.  (Because nothing is more important to him than the rule of law!)

And it reinforced the old truism of Leftist economic policy:  Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he’ll say, “No thanks, just keep giving me a fish every day.”

But if an immediately sinking pier and a rich guy getting money from the poor aren’t sufficiently clear metaphors for the Biden administration, I’ve got a New Jersey story for you that should do the trick.  

It’s the tale of Congressional Black Caucus member Donald Payne Jr., who had a brush with death in April, suffering a heart attack and complications from diabetes that put him into a coma for two weeks.   

Well, it wasn’t so much a “brush” with death as it was a “high-speed, head-on collision” with death.  Because he died on April 24th at the age of 65.

Annnndddd…

…last Tuesday he eked out a narrow victory in the Democrat primary, scraping by with 99.9% of the vote.

I’m not making that up.  The Democrats had already elected a brain-dead congressman from NYC (representing Juicy-Booty Americans everywhere), and a mostly dead president, and now a completely dead congressman from Jersey.

At least now we can look forward to Biden making a campaign stop in New Jersey this fall, during which he will say, “And I want to thank Congressman Donald Payne Jr. for his support.  I couldn’t win without the help of great Americans like Donald, no joke!  Where are you Donald?  Stand up and let us give you a round of applause!”

And at the end of that speech, will the Cadaver-in-Chief reach out and shake Donald Payne Jr.’s hand?

You’re damn right he will.  

Hamas delenda est!