Tag: palestine

Biden Depresses College Grads, Germany isn’t Fond of Jews (again!), and Media Matters Fires “Journalists” (posted 5/24/24)

I just got home from our trip to New England last week, and now we’re flying out to Colorado tomorrow.  

As I mentioned in a past column, my youngest daughter is going to Boulder for a 10-week research program in astrophysics.  (She’s focusing on planet formation and other things I don’t understand, and if this summer goes well, she might be applying to CU for a PhD starting next August.) So my wife and I are using our little brainiac’s summer gig as an excuse to take her out and move her into her summer apartment, and then spend 5 days seeing various beautiful parts of God’s creation. 

The two cousins with whom I take regular road-trips are going to meet us in Boulder, and the three of us will be temporarily civilized by the presence of my better half. (Our adventures in the old Caddy convertible on Route 66 in 2021, circumnavigating Lake Michigan in 2022, and last year’s re-tracing the route our families took 90 years ago to migrate from Kentucky to Illinois  can all be found on Martinsimpsonwriting.com.)

I’m going to try to post from the road, but I can’t promise anything.  As usual, too much is going on, so I’ll hit a few things that crossed my radar this week.  

I’ve been simultaneously depressed and encouraged by the dumpster fire that Trump’s NYC prosecution has devolved into.  Depressed because the existence of these cases shows how corrupt our justice system has become, and because there are at least some low-info voters out there who vaguely believe that he must be guilty of some bad stuff if he’s facing so many charges and trials.

But it has been amazing to watch just how badly the trial has gone for Bragg’s bozos.  I can’t think of two worse prosecution witnesses than a porn star who can’t keep her mouth shut (but not in a good way), and an oily conman like Michael Cohen.

Stormy could offer no relevant testimony to the case at hand, and her appearance in the trial made plain the corruption of the wildly biased judge.  He should obviously have recused himself, if for no other reason than that his daughter runs a lefty consulting firm that has raised millions for Democrats, and her resume includes being “Director of Digital Persuasion” for Que Mala’s 2020 presidential campaign.  I swear I am not making that up.

Maybe it’s just me, but that sounds A LOT sleazier than Stormy’s resume, which boils down to “banging strangers on camera for cash.”  In fact, I think Stormy and the judge’s daughter have a lot in common. 

The daughter handled “digital persuasion” for a dingbat who slept her way into a career, and Stormy, though I have never seen any of her greatest hits, has a filmography that I’m willing to bet is replete with more than a few digits and a hell of a lot of persuasion.  (Not to mention a long line of Willie Brown types, even though they might be credited only as “Pizza Delivery Man 1” and “Horny Boss.”)  

And then Michael Cohen slithered into court, and he made Stormy Daniels look like Mother Theresa’s more pious sister.  The climax (you’ll pardon the expression) of his testimony was admitting that in addition to his other convictions for perjury, tax evasion and campaign finance violations, he also stole $60K from Trump! 

That’s larceny, and it is several standard deviations more serious than the (bogus) bookkeeping infractions that Trump is being prosecuted for.

Good job, NY judicial system.  You’ve all covered yourselves in glory!

Speaking of stomach-turning corruption and incompetence, who is the genius who invited our Cadaver in Chief to give a graduation speech at Morehouse? 

Even if the typical graduation address now begins with a morose land acknowledgment (“You should all feel guilty for throwing four years of frat parties on the sacred burial grounds once owned by the Ojibwas and the Indigenous Warrens…”) (#wemustneverstopmockingher), they usually quickly turn to a bunch of banal happy-talk.

“You graduates are the future.  Your education has prepared you to go out and blaze new trails.  The world is truly your oyster!”

But not the late Joe Biden.  He hollered his way through a Jeremiad that must have had half the graduates contemplating whether they could fashion their tassels into nooses and put themselves out of their misery.

“What is democracy, when black men are hunted for sport every day by MAGA-hat wearing gun nuts?  White people hate you, and America blows, and you’re all victims.  Now get out there and suffer, until things get so bad that you gladly accept the sweet release of death, probably at the hands of a lynch mob.”

I’m paraphrasing.  But only slightly.

Seriously, what kind of decision-process leads to inviting Joe Biden to inspire your graduates?  Were all the less-depressing speakers unavailable?  (“Well, the Unabomber and Dr. Jack Kevorkian are both dead, Paul Ehrlich is in his 90s and doesn’t travel, and Greta Thunberg wants too much money.  So I guess it’s Joe.”)

But lest you think our country has the stupidity market cornered, consider the Germans’ latest masterstroke. 

One of the most corrupt parts of the thoroughly corrupt UN – the competition is tough, what with terrorist and communist countries on various “human rights” commissions, and UNRWA funding and supporting Hamas – is the “International Criminal Court.”  (Insert your own “You misspelled ‘kangaroo’ jokes here.)

This sleazy convocation of hypocrites – we are thankfully not a member nation of the ICC, though I’m shocked Joey Gaffes didn’t sign an executive order making us join – pretend to adjudicate disputes and war crimes claims.  Yet they somehow don’t issue arrest warrants for the most evil dictators or terrorists in the world.

But now they are on the verge of issuing such warrants for Bibi Netanyahu and Israel’s defense minister, for the “crime” of fighting the terrorists who slaughtered their civilians and now hide behind civilians.  The ICC is set to issue the same kind of warrant for the Hamas top terrorist Yahoo Serious, too, which is obviously just a fig leaf to allow them to try to arrest the Israelis. 

(If they had wanted to issue an arrest warrant for the chief Hamashole, October 8th might have been a good time to do so.)

So a German spokesman for Chancellor Olaf  “Sergeant” Scholz (“I know NO-THING!”) has warned that his government will arrest Bibi if he enters Germany.  Every EU country has submitted themselves to the ICC, so they would presumably all arrest Israeli leaders.  (Which is reason enough for us to cut off all formal ties to the EU and the UN immediately, IMHO.)

It’s galling enough that the other European nations would agree to this.  (Though they do have a history of cooperating with the Germans, especially when it comes to identifying and turning over the Juden.) But Germany?  Where it has only recently become legal again to own a copy of Mein Kampf ?

Way to steer into that reputational skid, Germany! (Please tell me that this press release came out of Nuremberg!)

But let’s not end on a down note.  Because some good things are happening, too.

For example, even in Portland – where AOC would be close to the median IQ – the numbskull voters might finally have hit rock bottom, and made the first baby step toward digging out. 

For four years, they’ve had a Soros-funded (i.e. pro-crime) DA called Mike Schmidt, who was elected with 77% of the vote.  Once in office, he resolutely declined to prosecute BLM and Antifa thugs as they rioted and destroyed the quality of life in that town.

Unexpectedly!

But on Tuesday, the voters fired Schmidt, giving Nathan Vasquez a 17% margin of victory over him.  Vasquez is still a Dem (of course), but he’s promised to get tough on crime, and if he does, we should celebrate.  Soros poured a bunch of cash into Schmidt’s re-election campaign, and he lost big.

In a similar karmic beat-down, a bunch of angry leftist hacks at MMFA – “Media Matters For America,” though that “F” should really stand for something else – no longer work at Media Matters, having been laid off yesterday. 

When Elon bought Twitter/X, MM went on a slander campaign targeting his advertisers, falsely charging that he was posting racist material that would hurt their companies.  Elon is suing MM and is likely to win, and as their fortunes decline, they’re starting to cut employees.

Ironically, you can read their whining and wailing on… wait for it… X!  (HA!)

For example, one fired guy says, “Unfortunately, I have been impacted by the MM lay-offs… and am now open to any research/analyst roles, specifically regarding RWM narratives [I’m guessing that stands for “Rotten White Males?”] on DEI [ooh, I know this one: “Didn’t Earn It”], education, and LGBTQ+ issues.”

Another one, a guy named Alex who gives his pronouns under a picture of himself in some kind of pink feather boa, says, “I got laid off from MMFA today, proud of the 5 years of intense work I put into fighting right-wing hatred.”

Oh, you brave boy or girl, fighting the good fight against those nasty right-wing meanies!

If I weren’t such a classy, high-brow gentleman, I’d quote someone named “OneFineJay,” who posted a response to the list of whining ex-MM employees.

Oh, who am I kidding?  Let’s give OneFineJay the last word:

“MMFA layoffs?  #schadenboner”

Hamas delenda est!

Schadenfreude, Painted Protestors & Sterile Mosquitoes (posted 5/10/24)

Let’s visit Schadenfreude Corner today.

First up we’ve got Andrew Dudum, the CEO of something called “Hims and Hers Health Inc.”  Last week, after watching pro-Hamas idiots defiling our campuses, Andrew thought he’d do a little virtue signaling online. 

So he released a public message saying, “If you’re currently protesting against the genocide (sic) of the Palestinian (sic) people & for your university’s divestment from Israel, keep going.  It’s working.  There are plenty of companies and CEOs eager to hire you, regardless of university discipline.”  He included a link to apply for a job with his company.

Annnnddddd… his stock dropped 8% and he reportedly lost $210 million.

Unexpectedly!

The next day another entrepreneur reported that when he logged on to Hims and Hers to cancel his order, the customer service queue was deluged with people doing the same. 

So the brave CEO did what smart leaders always do: posted a long, meandering non-apology apology.  I’ll just quote the first three sentences, because they establish the tone:

“The last few days have been a disheartening reflection of just how divisive a time we live in.”

Ah yes, those damned divisive times!  Breaking into your social media account and posting stupid comments encouraging anti-Semitic boneheads to keep protesting a genocide that doesn’t exist, on behalf of those who are quite philo-genocidal. What havoc will those divisive times cause next?

“I’d like to clarify a few things because my words have been misconstrued by some.”  Translation: I’d like to obfuscate the clear meaning of my earlier words, which have been accurately construed by people who know how to read.

“I in no way condone nor support acts or threats of violence, antisemitism, or intimidation …[blah blah blah].”

Got that?  He doesn’t condone or support all the bad stuff the Hamasniks have been doing on campus.

But he’ll gladly hire you if YOU do.    

This is a great reminder that we should all be pulling our support from companies who hate us and are working against our interests.  Bud Light was the best example, but we should also take advantage of the information these colleges are giving us.  

Now all of us know that we should never send our kids to any of the schools who have allowed these protests to drag on, negotiated with the protesters, and then gave them no consequences once they did arrest them.

If you’re hiring people, do extra vetting of anyone who graduated from any of these schools.  If you are donating to any of these schools, stop it.  If you are an alumni, contact them and let them know that you’ll never give them another dime, and that you’ll be bad mouthing them to anyone even considering donating or sending their kids there.

Along those lines, I was glad to see a story in the Free Beacon about a letter that 13 federal judges have sent to Columbia, announcing that none of them will be hiring any more Columbia law grads as law clerks, unless and until the school takes concrete steps to increase penalties on anti-Semitic faculty and students who illegally discriminate, and to support viewpoint diversity in the faculty and administration. 

Yes!  More please.

I had never heard of Andrew Dudum’s company, so I didn’t think I had ever bought any of his stuff.  But I looked it up, and found that he ships all kinds of medications that you can order online.  Their info specifically mentions ED meds.

Which makes sense.  And I now have greater respect for Dudum as a businessman.

Because if he’s trying to market to the low-T crowd whose idea of a mating ritual involves draping a terrorist tablecloth over your shoulders and screaming horrific Jew-hating poetry while surrounded by a herd of blocky gender-studies majors who believe in neither deodorant nor personal grooming, he has nailed his target demographic!

Plus it’s a win-win for him, because even if his customers’ downstairs plumbing worked well under normal conditions, a quad full of their female comrades would go a long way toward creating an erection-free zone, even for the healthiest among us. 

If I had to put myself in their Birkenstocks (and please don’t make me do that), I’d guess that I’d need a set of beer telescopes (beer goggles would not be strong enough) and a supply of little blue pills to buzz-saw my way through like Michael Moore with a comically over-sized bowl of M&Ms if I were to have any chance of surviving an encounter with any of those scowling harpies.

But we should also be doing the inverse of boycotting, i.e. buying stuff from companies who side with us.  Since all of the Hamasholes are pushing to have their schools divest from Israel, we should look for products made in Israel. 

Since I’m not Jewish, that’s a little tough for me.  I don’t wear a yarmulke, and never had a dreidel, but this is almost enough to get me to buy the latter. (And those cynics among you can just save your warnings about how Big Dreidel has been colluding with Big Torah to control the market in all kinds of Judaica.  I’m not buying it!) 

But I’m a fan of the second amendment, so perhaps I will check out a future Uzi or a Desert Eagle purchase.  Because Christmas (and Hanukkah) is coming.  And come to think of it, I would LOVE to have a mini Iron Dome over my house.

Man, I’ve already got a flamethrower, so if I pick up an Uzi and an Iron Dome, I will be ready for the future invasion of Florida by the zombified Biden voters who I assume will be heading here when their disastrous politics cause the final collapse of Chicago, NYC, Baltimore, Philly et al.

My favorite campus protestor story of the last several days comes to us from Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland.  A bunch of mouth-breathers there had painted pro-terror graffiti on a wall, and the school hired some painters to come in and paint over it.

Apparently the protestors heard about this, and a small group of them stood in front of the wall to prevent their hateful messages from being painted over.  It was a classic, “blue-collar vs worthless-d-bag” standoff.

Of course the best response would have been the timeless classic: deploy the flamethrower robot dogs!

But because no university administrators have the guts to implement some strategic thermal discipline, we had to settle for the second-best outcome: the blue-collar guys spray-painted right over the protestors!

Unfortunately, some accomplices gave the others plastic face shields just in time, so nobody ended up with a dramatic, culturally-appropriating white-face.  But they all received a nice coat of paint from head to toe.  I can only hope that the painters were using an epoxy, or at least an oil-based paint.    

I’ll close with yet another story of the great things happening at the University of Florida, where researchers have helped develop an innovative strategy for fighting mosquitos, which was recently pilot-tested in Los Angeles.  The strategy involves irradiating lab-raised mosquitos, and releasing tens of thousands of them into a targeted area.

According to the story, “These mosquitoes are all male and have been sterilized by the radiation, so the hope is that they will find wild female mates and impregnate them with dead-end sperm, rendering the resulting eggs worthless.”

And today’s column comes full circle, by applying the lessons we’ve learned from the pro-Hamas campus protests to the world of insects.  Because we are looking at the same basic story as that of the protestors and young leftists generally: lots of aggressive (and aggressively unpleasant) females, and lots of sterile males. 

Even before I read this story, when I watched video of the non-peaceful protestors disrupting schools and ruining graduations, I swear that the phrases “dead-end sperm” and “worthless eggs” spontaneously ran through my mind.    

Though to be fair to the sterile, irradiated male mosquitoes, they are probably not stupid enough to think that they can become female mosquitoes.  Or that Liz Warren is anything but a very, very white lady.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)  (also, #sterilemalemosquitoforMAsenator.) 

So at least the sterile male mosquitoes have that going for them.

Hamas delenda est!

Two Emblematic Pro-Hamas Protestors: Rich Kid & Slutsky (posted 5/6/24)

I’m sure everyone has just about had it up to here with the campus protest stories, and I feel your pain on that point.  But I caught a few details over the weekend that I’d missed, and I think they’re worth some comment.

First, I think it’s hilarious that the one moment of unity between the hateful pro-Hamas side and the pro-Israel/the West/America side came at the University of Alabama, when both sides came together to chant, “F**k Joe Biden!”  It was the kind of bipartisan reaching across the aisle that for a moment gave me hope that we all might get along.

Annnddd… it turns out that the Hamasholes are mad at Joe Biden because they think he’s not being submissive ENOUGH to the Jew-hating genocide enthusiasts in Gaza.

So I guess this is an example of that old folk saying, “even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while.”  Or, in the Arabic version from Gaza, “even a blind sheik finds a gay guy to toss off a roof once in a while.” 

It loses a little in translation though, doesn’t it?

Second, over the weekend I learned more about two of the protestors whom I think are emblematic of the problem we’re facing.

I was probably one of the last to learn that one of the violent Columbia protestors arrested after breaking into a campus building was James “Cody” Carlson, 40, a wealthy heir to an advertising fortune.  This guy is straight out of central casting, if you’re casting someone to play a leftist d-bag in a forthcoming straight-to-video Rob Reiner agitprop bomb.

In his late 20s, he got his first criminal charge (that we know of), when as part of a group of self-styled “anarchists” he was involved in a violent “protest.”  Though he was charged with a raft of felonies, including battering a cop and aggravated assault on a cop with a deadly weapon, those charges were dropped two years later.  (I’m guessing that daddy’s money had something to do with that.) 

He’s also got two kids, one with a “baby mama” who is a model.  I’m assuming that his ability to impregnate a model also had something to do with daddy’s money, an assumption backed up by what I think is dispositive evidence:

In his mug shot, he doesn’t look like a fella who normally has to fight off supermodels with both hands.  In fact, he’s got a SFPI (Simpson Face Punchability Index) of 86 out of 100. 

For comparison purposes, when I was in my mid 20s, with discernable abs and a firm jawline, I had an impressive SFPI of only 7, and yet surprisingly few models ever engineered elaborate schemes to trick me into impregnating them. On the rare occasions when that did happen – and I always managed to outwit the wily vixens – my friends never taunted me that the women were only after me because of my dad’s gas-company-heavy-equipment-operator’s money.   

Anyway, Carlson is also the kind of 40-year-old who has enough time on his hands to spend many weeks agitating at a college he has no connection to, and leading a bunch of gullible morons in various criminal acts.  In fact, his accomplishments so far in 2024 demonstrate his emotional maturity. 

In January he was one of the Jew-hating idiots who caused chaos in NYC by blocking traffic on several bridges.  Because he wasn’t run over by some heroic driver, he was still around in April, when he was at another protest, and this time grabbed an Israeli flag from a 22-year-old and hit him in the face with a rock, and then set the flag on fire. 

He should have ended up in an intensive care burn unit, in terrible pain and wrapped up like Imhotep Pelosi, but due to the inexplicable absence of NYPD flamethrower robot dogs, he was still roaming free when he broke into Hamilton Hall at Columbia.

The guy apparently got a law degree years ago, but his only connection to the law seems to be in finding various ways to break it.  As a Blaze story put it, “sources have stated that Carlson is a menace and an attorney by profession.”

A menace AND an attorney, you say?  Don’t tell Que Mala, but that makes for a Venn diagram with a hell of a lot of overlap in it!

His own family aren’t big fans, either.  When a NY Post reporter called his sister’s house, the woman who answered said, “We don’t talk to him.  Leave us alone.  He is out of our lives for so many years.”

I like the cut of her jib. 

After his arrest at Hamilton Hall, Carlson got five charges: burglary, reckless endangerment, criminal mischief, conspiracy, and criminal trespassing.  When he was put in a holding cell at the jail, he destroyed a camera there, and got another criminal mischief charge.  He was also later charged with a hate crime, assault and petit larceny for the April Israeli flag incident. 

All of which could be big trouble for him.  Except that he’s still got some of his daddy’s money left, and he’s in NYC, where only orange guys are pursued by “law enforcement,” such as it is.  Still, he is a rich white guy, so maybe his super-punchable face will earn some karmic attention.

I heard about the next protestor when she was being roundly mocked for demanding that the school provide food and water for the protestors.  The keffiyeh-wearing Columbia grad student in question ridiculously warned that if the school doesn’t give in to their demands, the protestors might be facing “[dying] of dehydration and starvation.”  

Her name is Johanna King-Slutzky, and she’s writing a dissertation for an English PhD (d’oh!) focused on interpreting poetry from 1760-1860 “through a Marxian lens.”  Which answers the age-old question, “How do I communicate that I’m totally unemployable without saying the words, ‘I’m totally unemployable’?”

Also, it’s probably just the lingering effect of the raunchy sex comedies of my youth – this was several years before I was fending off models drawn by the allure of my pop’s gas company cash – but when I hear that there’s a poetry professor named “Slutzky,” certain expectations are created.

Expectations that were completely dashed when Ms. King-Slutzky stepped before the cameras to warn about the impending starvation of the brave Groucho Marxians cosplaying their way through the Ivy league.   (Let’s just say that Van Halen would not make a “Hot For Teacher” video about this specific academic.)

But the most incomprehensible part of her story is a detail that I haven’t heard anybody comment on.  Everybody got some cheap laughs from her last name.  But that last name is hyphenated, which means that she could have just stuck with “King,” and made her husband/wife/your-guess-is-as-good-as-mine drop the “Slutzky.” 

But no.  She steered into the Slutzky skid.

And then she wrapped herself in a terrorist tablecloth and marched out to face the cameras, and earn herself a spot in the annals of self-satirizing woke imbeciles.

Well done, Columbia!   

Hamas delenda est!

I Get a Personal Flamethrower, & Disney and Newsom Continue to Blunder (posted 4/29/24

Everyone here knows that I am not one to brag. 

Sure, I may have mentioned in passing that my oldest daughter is busy saving the lives of children in a pediatric hospital, or that my youngest daughter is a budding astrophysicist whose mentoring professor just submitted an article with her on which she’s going to be first author.

And yes, if you held a gun to my head, I’d confess that when Sheila Jackson Lee once saw my wife, she said, “I thought that the sun was a powerful heat, but THIS woman is HOT!”  And that my Aussie shepherd Cassie (“the Wonder Dog” is an honorific, but I can’t really type her name without it) is the apotheosis of canine cool.

But yesterday I was able to check off another bucket list item. Because I am now the proud owner of a… wait for it…flamethrower!

No, tragically, it is not a flamethrowing robot dog.  (My wife somehow doesn’t agree that that would be the best $10,000 [with shipping] that we ever spent.  Because she’s apparently not the financial visionary that I am.) (See my Friday column at Martinsimpsonwriting.com for background.)

This is a small, personal flamethrower to be used for burning weeds or grass, among other things.  And by “other things,” I don’t mean pro-Hamas protestors’ tents, because in Florida, we don’t have any of those on our campuses.  Because we are not governed by terrorist sympathizers or sniveling cowards. 

But I do already have a few other “flame-thrower-target” ideas.  I’m going to see what happens if I turn her on the first “Co-exist” bumper sticker I see, and there’s a house a few blocks over with one of those, “In this house we believe… chromosomes don’t exist, etc.” yard signs that intrigue me…

If you have any suggestions about other possible uses for Sparky (yes, I’ve already given her a name, and yes, it’s a name that works for a personal flamethrower OR the electric chair that we used on Ted Bundy) (Because: Florida!), please leave them in the comments.

And yes, Sparky’s pronouns are she/her.  Because guys always think of their favorite physical possessions as female.  I refer you to sailors always calling their ships “her,” and to every Beach Boys song about a beloved car. (“She’s real fine, my 409.”  “She’s my little deuce coupe, you don’t know what I got.” Etc.)   

Not to mention the fact that when the Japanese fooled around with us at Pearl Harbor, they “found out” on the receiving end of a big ol’ fissile middle finger dropped from a plane that was named after the pilot’s mom, the Enola Gay.

And if by some freak coincidence, I should pass away in a flame-thrower-related accident this week (my wife is not totally discounting the possibility), I am asking here and now that the great and powerful CO will give my eulogy, at a service to which I trust you will all travel to attend.  

And the only requests I have are that “I’ll Fly Away” be played, that the flag at the CO Compound be flown at half-mast for a respectful interval, and that CO’s first sentence be, “The world without Martin Simpson is now a dark and dismal place, but we can all be comforted knowing that he died doing what he loved: throwing flames.”

Yes, I have been hitting the celebratory bourbon this evening, thanks for asking.  Because did I mention that today I received my own personal FLAMETHROWER!?

Now where was I? 

Oh yeah, Disney is still reeling after having been beaten like a rented mule by Ron DeSantis; campus protestors are continuing to illustrate their own idiocy AND the difference between how blue states and red states react to said idiocy; and Gavin Newsom continues to step on rakes.    

You’d think that Disney would be busily engaged in trying to win back their audience and staunch the flow of red ink they’ve been experiencing lately.  But nope!

Their latest blunder happened last month, when a family of four were staying at a Disney Resort at Disney World, and during a meal, paid an extra fee for a visit from a character, the Evil Queen from Snow White and the 7 Dwarves (currently Snow Brown, One Dwarf and Six Normally Proportioned People). 

And they did get an “evil queen,” sort of.  It was a dude in a costume and make-up! 

“This is some Bibbidi Bobbidi Bullschiff right here!” said the dad.

Well, I don’t know if he said that.  But he should have.  He did say that his whole family have been huge Disney fans before this.  He also said that he spent $8000 on his current trip.

Obviously the family were bait-and-switched.  It would be like paying to meet a living president at the Hall of Presidents, and getting the mortal remains of the late Joe Biden.  Or paying to meet Geronimo or Sitting Bull, and getting Grandma Squanto (#wemustneverstopmockingher).  Or paying to meet Universal Studio’s classic movie monster the Mummy, and getting Imhotep Pelosi.

Okay, that last one would be getting exactly what you paid for.  But I think the other examples make my point.

I can’t believe Disney is still pulling stuff like this, and I feel this guy’s pain.  But if this guy was going to drop $8K on entertainment, he could have just come up with another $2 large and got himself a FRD instead! (“Flamethrowing Robot Dog,” of course).

And then, if he’s ever confronted with a hulking dude in a robe and tiara, it’s Evil Queen versus Flamethrowing Robot Dog!  And that has pay-per-view written ALL over it!  C’mon, man.

Meanwhile, pro-Hamas asshats continue to illustrate why you should never send your kid to a college run by leftist wokesters.  On one campus after another, they continued to set up squatter camps and then virtue signal and “negotiate” with feckless administrators.

But I see several silver linings coming out of this mortifying debacle:

1.The GOP should be cutting ads of these idiots to run – interspersed with border chaos scenes – 24/7 in October and early November.  (Though I’ve got a feeling that we’ll already have plenty of great footage from the Dem convention in Chicago in August.  I’m going to have a 50-gallon drum of popcorn delivered to my house for that!)

2. The contrast we’re seeing between red state campuses and blue state ones are both educational and edifying.  Texas troopers immediately arresting lawbreakers on their campuses are just one example. 

At Florida State, 5 minutes after protestors started setting up tents on the quad, campus officials made them pack it up.  When protestors’ chants got boisterous, a number of university grounds people suddenly appeared on loud riding mowers to keep the campus tidy.  Then sprinklers mysteriously went off, dampening the brave freedom fighters.

One beta male protestor accused the school of intentionally trying to discourage them, saying, “Waah!  How am I going to impress my mouth-breathing simpleton friends, and maybe even get a chance at the most dispiriting, low-quality hippie-chick tail ever, with all of this lawn mowing and lawn watering going on?” (I’m paraphrasing, slightly.)

An unnamed university spokesman (and as of this moment, a hero of mine) said – and I swear I am not making this up – “Work on our grounds happens throughout the day.”

I’m not crying.  I’m just allergic to newly mown grass and moist Marxists.

My favorite visual of the week came from Emory U in Atlanta, where a bunch of Hamas-loving, cop-hating protestors set up an illegal encampment on campus.  After too many warnings, some Georgia state troopers descended on them with the wrath of an angry Old Testament God.

Or at least with the enthusiasm of a well-coached outside linebacker trying to make the first string at an SEC school!  You probably saw the video.  One particular moron tried to run away, a checkered terrorist tablecloth on his head.  (You say “keffiyeh,” I say “terrorist version of a MAGA hat.”) (Hat-tip to CO for that one!)

The dope was run down from behind by a trooper in full gear, including what I first thought was a looped length of rope on his belt, but later realized were just plastic zip ties.  (Man, if that had been rope, and the cop had dropped the perp and quickly hog-tied his legs with a rope, that would have been the most awesome trifecta of toxic masculinity – cop, football player and rodeo roper – ever!)

The cop demonstrated perfect form: knees bent, weight going forward, then the lowered shoulder and exploding through the tackle.  He even put his head to one side of the target right before impact, to avoid the 15-yard penalty for spearing!

I tell ya, those protestors were dropping like Moanin’ Megan Rapinoe walking into a particularly tall blade of grass!

More, please.

Finally, Gavin Newsom is back in the news, and for a hilarious reason.

(By the way, I realize that today’s column would make a good round on Family Feud: “Name three people or groups that Ron DeSantis has totally owned in the last year!  Survey says: Disney, pro-Hamas campus protestors, and Gavin Newsom.”)

Newsom got the brilliant idea of commissioning a $1 coin to honor innovation in the late great Golden state, and tweeted out a call for suggestions of what should appear on the coin.  And the people of the internet unleashed a torrent of swift kicks to the smooth, featureless groin of the Ken Doll.

Dozens of proposed designs featured some variation on the tent city: a single filthy tent surrounded by garbage; a few dozen tents with whacked-out meth heads lounging around; an endless vista of tents in the foreground, with the LA skyline in the background.

One suggestion featured a gas-station sign with innovatively high $6+ gas prices.  One proposed a wagon train of U-hauls heading east, while another contemplated how to indicate in an image the turning a budget surplus into a $73 billion dollar deficit in two years.        

But the leader in the clubhouse seems to be a glowing, golden image of the Golden Gate Bridge, one of its iconic towers partially obscured by a ginormous poop emoji. 

It’s a perfect image for California currency under Democrat rule: not a bitcoin, but a sh*tcoin. 

Well done, Gavin! Hamas delenda est!

Stephanopoulos Shames Himself, A Criminal Brings a Hammer to a Gunfight, and Bibi Tells Biden to Stick It (posted 3/25/24)

The ridiculous stories are coming at us so fast that I might have to make this another three-column week.  No promises, but I’ll do my best.

We Don’t Hate the Media Enough

This story is already two weeks old, but I have to mention it: George Stephanopoulos put on a truly shameless display when he interviewed Nancy Mace on his sleazy Sunday morning show. 

He opened with a clip of Mace talking about her rape when she was a teenager, and then attacked her for supporting Trump, whom GS dishonestly said – 10 times! – had been found “liable of rape” against the crackpot E. Jean Carroll.

Mace fought back and repeatedly played the victim card – rare as it may be, she was actually justified in this case for doing so!  But I wish she had really attacked GS directly, because he certainly deserves it.  I wanted to hear her say something like this:

“George, are you telling me that I shouldn’t support a candidate just because he’s been accused of rape?” (Wait for him to give a smug, self-righteous reply.)  “Well didn’t you coordinate the vicious attacks on Bill Clinton’s numerous sex assault victims, including Juanita Broaddrick, who credibly accused him of raping her?  And didn’t you call those victims “nuts and sluts?”  And didn’t you refer to their true accusations as “bimbo eruptions?” 

“And by the way George, you know very well that Tara Reade has credibly accused Joe Biden of doing to her exactly what Jean Carroll said Trump did to her, except that Reade knows the year it happened, as well as the day and the place and the details.  Since her charge is so much more credible than Carroll’s, will you agree to denounce Joe Biden right now, and urge your dozens of viewers to refuse to vote for him, since you strongly disapprove of rapists?”

Ugh.  If our MSM weren’t thoroughly corrupt, they’d never hire someone like GS, and if he had a conscience and even a scintilla of self-awareness, he’d never be able to attack a rape victim on air, after he’s spent decades pimping for Clinton and Biden.

To follow that story up with a little schadenfreude chaser: Trump has filed suit against ABC News and GS for defamation.  Those suits don’t usually succeed, but Trump’s might have a chance, since GS repeatedly said that a jury found Trump “liable for rape.”

Unfortunately for him and ABC News, and even though the Carroll jury were biased hacks who bent over backwards to pretend to believe her, even THEY couldn’t go as far as GS claimed.

They answered 10 charging questions in their verdict.  The first one read, “Did Ms. Carroll prove, by a preponderance of the evidence, that Mr. Trump raped Ms. Carroll.”

Their answer, and I quote, was “No.”

So here’s hoping that Trump beats George like he’s going to beat Fani’s fanny.

Stupid Criminals

Today’s Stupid Criminals story has a little mystery to it, because I found two media stories about it, but one says that it happened in Trenton NJ, and the other in Muskegon County, MI.  So let’s just look at what the stories agree on:

At 2:00 a.m., Citizen-of-the-Year candidate Andray Ingram, 34, used a hammer to break into an apartment and assaulted the resident there. Then he tried to enter the main home that apartment was attached to.  He broke the ring camera with the hammer and made it inside, before the owner greeted him with a pistol.

Shortly after that, cops arrived to find Andray with a brand new hole in his chest.  He was taken to a local hospital, where he joined the choir invisible. 

The moral may at first seem obvious: Moron Brings Hammer to Gunfight, Goes Down Swinging.

But I think the lesson is more complicated:

Hammer vs. Unarmed resident; Hammer Wins.

Hammer vs. Ring Camera: Hammer Wins.  But…

Hammer vs. Pistol; Armed Homeowner Wins.  

In other good news, the Israelis ignored Tony Blinken, Que Mala and the Biden administration’s strongly worded letters telling them to leave Hamas alone now that they are trapped and one the edge of defeat in Northern Gaza.  (You know, like the allies left Hitler alone once we had him trapped in Berlin, or the way we left the Japanese alone once they had pulled back to Hiroshima and Nagasaki.)

Instead, the IDF raided the al-Shifa hospital over the weekend, killing 170 terrorists and capturing 480 more.  They also “located weapons and terrorist infrastructure in the hospital.”  (You know, the way your local hospital will also be a staging place for jihadi lunatics, RPGs and AK-47s.)

Israel also said that it killed Fa’aq Mabhouh – a guy whose name sounds like a verb followed by a direct object – whom it identified as Hamas’ “head of internal security.” 

According to NPR, though, “The Government Media Office in Gaza said Mabhouh was in charge of the coordination between tribes and UNRWA to bring humanitarian aid into northern Gaza.” 

They say “tomato,” I say “tomahto.”  And by now, I think we all know what Hamas calls “humanitarian aid,” don’t we? 

Anyway, I’ll always remember Fa’aq as the guy whose name I will NOT spell out phonetically, because I’m a gentleman.  If I weren’t so gentlemanly, I’d be tempted to speak for all of us when I say to the “Government Media Office in Gaza” (which, oddly enough, is Arabic for “NPR”), “Fa’aq Mabhouh, and the horse you rode in on!”

But I am a gentleman, and I know that hearing about the deaths of so many terrorists can hurt the tender feelings of many of our leftist brethren and cistern, let me rephrase what happened in a way that will ease their minds:

“Women’s health care in Gaza was defended by IDF medical personnel who surgically removed 170 tissue masses at the al-Shifa hospital.  These “parts of a woman’s body” ranged in age from 57 to 165 trimesters.  You are now free to shout these abortions.”    

Sorry.  My crack staff tells me that “cistern” was the wrong word to use in the last sentence, and that I should have used “sistren.”  I apologize for the mistake, and will happily amend my last paragraph to replace “cistern” with “septic tank.”   Mea culpa.

Celebration of Excellence

Finally, I highly recommend to you the Daily Wire’s new 8-part video series by Bill Whittle on the history of the Soviet Union, called “An Empire of Terror.”  I’ve only watched the first episode and the first five minutes of the second, and it is stellar.  The production values are high, and it provides a great re-cap for people who already know the outlines of the story.

It really brings alive the heartbreaking cruelty and malice at the heart of all top-down central control schemes (99% of them leftist), and the shocking extent to which those evil forces worked in Russia.  And for those who have only learned about the story in public school – i.e. those who have barely heard of it – it will be a gut-wrenching revelation.

Whittle knows how to tell a story by starting with some intriguing details, and then providing a Paul Harvey-esque “the rest of the story” payoff. 

For example, the second episode begins with the story of a train carrying a devastating biological secret weapon that left Switzerland for Germany and then on to Russia in November of 1917.  Whittle reveals that Lenin was on that train, then cites a haunting 1929 quote from Churchill: “The Germans turned upon Russia the most grisly of all weapons.  They transported Lenin in a sealed train like a plague bacillus…”    

Whittle hammers home the point: “Lenin was not carrying the weapon. Lenin WAS the weapon.”  

The comparison of communist ideology to a plague bacillus is chilling, but it might even be understating its destructiveness!  In the 14th century, the Black Plague killed no more than 30 million people at the most, while communism killed 100 million people in just the last 87 years of the 20th century.  (And the actual plague never imprisoned, tortured and immiserated tens of millions more, the way the commies did!)

You need to subscribe to the Daily Wire to see the entire series now, but I think most conservatives would benefit from supporting the Daily Wire.  They have some great writers/speakers (Andrew Klavan, Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro among them), and they make docs (What is a Woman?) and comedies (Lady Ballers) that Hollywood wouldn’t touch.

They are even making wholesome cartoons for kids to counter the agenda-driven, grooming weirdos at Disney and elsewhere.  

So check out “An Empire of Terror,” if for no other reason than to say, “Fa’aq Mabhouh!” to Disney and the MSM.

Hamas delenda est!

Some Weird Stories, + A Weird Naming Challenge (posted 3/4/24)

First up this week, one of my favorite elected conservatives of the last several years is Virginia Lt. Governor Winsome Sears, and I like her for many reasons, some more trivial than others.

On the trivial side, I love the name “Winsome.”  It’s an old-fashioned word – it means “attractive or appealing in appearance or character” – and it fits her very well.  It reminds me of the old Puritan practice of giving their kids “grace names” that indicated virtues they hoped the child would display.  Old fashioned examples include Prudence, Charity or Temperance, but a few survive today, including Faith and Hope.

(My wife and I chose “Emily Grace” for our second daughter’s name, and I’m glad to say that today, on her 22nd birthday, she has not made that middle name sound ironic!) 

Sidebar: I just looked up some examples of eccentric Puritan names, and came across this example that I feel compelled to share with you: “Praise-God Barebone, a lay preacher who became a member of Oliver Cromwell’s last Parliament in 1653, named his son “If-Jesus-Christ-Had-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned.” 

Try writing that on a check!  The writer of the article followed that strange name by observing, “He went by ‘Nicholas.’” 

I’ll bet he did.

On the more serious side, Sears also joined the Marines, and I’m very thankful that she is providing a much-needed example of a high-profile black woman who is smart and dignified, and is worthy of the influential job she has. 

Unlike Fraudulent Fani Willis, dim-bulb anti-Semite Claudine Gay, Jussie Smollett-protector Kim Foxx, or disgraceful hack Letitia James, to name just a few.

Well, there’s now one more reason to admire Sears.  Because she made an honest mistake in a legislative session last week, and then gave the most aggressive “apology” ever for it. 

It happened when Sears was presiding over the legislature, and a sexually confused male senator who calls himself “Danica” asked a routine point-of-order kind of question.  In the process of answering it, while looking through some papers and after calling him “senator” twice, Sears said, “Yes sir,” and then confirmed the answer. 

Now to be fair to Sears, “Danica” is about as feminine as an enlarged prostate, and asked his question in a voice you might hear coming from a barrel-chested high school football coach with a buzz cut urging his d-line to give 110% in the game on Friday night. 

But no matter.  Because upon hearing that, “Danica” flounced out of the room in a huff, and pouted out in the hallway, causing several recess breaks in the proceedings.

Hey, credit where credit is due: that was the most authentically female reaction from a trans dude that I’ve ever seen.

A sexist would say!  I kid because I love!

Anyway, Sears gave an aggressive quasi-apology, which boiled down to, “You know that I didn’t mean to hurt your little feelings, so why don’t we all grow up and get back to business.”   

Still, I don’t like the idea of apologizing at all when you’ve done nothing wrong, a judgement that was immediately confirmed when a bunch of whiny Dems stomped their feet and insisted that such a horrible act can never be forgiven.

If I were advising Sears, I’d tell her to take the podium again and say this: “Since I’ve learned that using traditional English pronouns might cause some fragile House members to have a panic attack, I’ve decided that from now on, I’m just going to point at anyone with a question and describe him or her so that there’s no confusion.”

Then I’d tell her to point to “Danica” and say, “You there, with the linebacker shoulders and the five o’clock shadow in the blue Donna Karan dress, what’s your question?” 

Speaking of sexually confused obnoxious people, Scotland – the land of some of my ancestors – has really dropped the ball (so to speak) on treating sexually confused criminals appropriately.  Which I learned by reading about the case of Andrew Burns, a “notorious prisoner” with “a reputation as one of the UK’s most violent inmates.”

Well Andy is going by the name “Tiffany Scott” these days, and he was going to be transferred to a women’s prison last year, before that was put on hold in the wake of the Isla Bryson scandal.  Which you and I have never heard of.

So I did a little research, and discovered that “Isla” is another dude, and a serial rapist, and he was temporarily housed in a women’s prison, until sane Scots got wind of it and objected.

Still, the Scottish justice system and media seemed determined to cater to Andy/Tiffany’s ridiculous delusions.  They called him “she” and “they” in reporting, and referred to him as “Tiffany Scott” rather than his real name.  After being imprisoned for a long series of violent crimes, prison officials agreed to his demand to be called “Mr. Mighty Almighty.”

Then when he claimed to be transgender so that he could be moved to the victim-rich environment of a women’s prison, the prison bosses took his claim seriously, and started calling him “Tiffany.”

Good lord, man!  You guys used to be a bunch of haggis-eating bad-asses!  You were so tough that the Romans built Hadrian’s Wall and then stayed on their side of it!  You’ve gone from William Wallace (Freedom!!) to Dylan Mulvaney. 

Fortunately, there’s a happy ending to this depressing story, because “Tiffany” died last Thursday, before ever getting into a gals’ prison.  No cause has been released yet, but since he was only 32, I’m going to guess suicide. 

But if his cause of death is determined to be ovarian cancer, I will never stop laughing!  And I will take back everything I’ve ever said about transgender dudes.

Speaking of happy endings, new media reports on Saturday claim that CNN is “on the verge of an epic collapse,” with the “struggling network desperately trying to get out of its death spiral,” beginning with huge pay cuts to its “big name” anchors as their current contracts end this year.

If the report is right, Jake Tapper and Chris Wallace are both getting $8 million per year, Wolf Blitzer is getting $15 million, and Anderson Cooper is hauling down $20 mil! 

With the network getting its lowest-ever ratings, the good news is that those contracts don’t end until after the November election.  So we’re going to have those hacks to kick around for that long at least, with the extra satisfaction of knowing that their audience is so small that their propaganda is going virtually unseen! 

In one last refreshing bit of news, even far-left NYT writer Nicholas Kristoff has admitted on MSNBC that if we air-drop food aid into Gaza, Hamas is just going to steal it.  As part of his commentary, he also said that Israel has stopped the corrupt EU-weenies in UNRWA from controlling food aid delivery because it turns out that at least 12 members of that motley anti-Semitic crew actually participated in the genocidal attacks on October 7th!

One of the most frustrating things about watching the blatantly biased, anti-Semitic MSM coverage of the Hamas war is the obscene moral equivalence they try to apply to Hamas and Israel. There are tons of examples that give the lie to that idea:

There is no Jewish equivalent to Hamas’ barbarity.  No IDF troops have intentionally targeted civilians; no Jewish troops have gang-raped and tortured Palestinian women; no Jewish troops have taken a single Palestinian hostage; no huge street mobs of Jews have celebrated the deaths of civilians by defiling the corpses of raped Muslim women paraded through Jewish cities.

And while malicious lefties have screamed the genocidal “from the river to the sea” chant ad nauseum and all throughout our colleges and all over the world, you’ve never heard a single crowd of Jewish supporters chanting, “All throughout Judea and Samaria, all Muslims should die of malaria!” 

But I don’t want to close this column complaining about our egregiously biased media.  Instead, since my research on Puritan hortatory naming practices has inspired me, let me close with a challenge to Cautious Optimism readers:

In your comments to this column, post your own attempts to preserve that naming tradition by giving Puritan names to our current political leaders. 

To start you off, here are a few examples:

Senator “Her-Skin-is-White-as-Snow” Warren (#verilymustweneverstopmockingher)

Vice President “Oh-God-Why-Hast-Thou-Forsaken-Us” Harris

President “He-Knows-Not-What-He-Does” Biden

or

President “Yea-Thou-He-Walketh-In-The-Valley-of-the-Shadow-of—Watch-Out-For-That-Sandbag!” Biden.

Let’s see what you’ve got, CO Nation!

Also…

Hamas delenda est!