Tag: Politics

As I am writing this, it has been exactly one week to the hour since the Trumpzilla stomped through the battleground states, crushing the pollsters beneath his mighty orange feet, scattering the he/shes and the Whoopies and the Joys, and trampling out the vintage where the shenanigans and graft were stored! 

Yes, the dopamine is still rolling through my veins, like the terrifying bouillabaisse of STDs in Bill Clinton’s!

So naturally, the soundtrack for today’s column is the manic “One Week,” from the pop band Barenaked Ladies.  If you haven’t heard it, you should listen now.  It’s an upbeat sprint with machine-gun-fast lyrics, a few of which fit perfectly with this glorious election.

I’m thinking specifically of the chorus, which I will subtly tweak here: 

“How can I help it if I think you’re funny when you’re mad?

Trying hard not to smile, though I don’t feel bad.

I’m the kind of guy who laughs at leftist funerals,

Can’t understand what I mean?  You soon will.

You came in cocky, with a hate-filled mania,

But I just heard that Donald Trump took Pennsylvania!”

If any of you in CO nation feel the creative juices flowing, feel free to tweak some of the lyrics and put them in the comments.  Here’s one more example, from the start of the fifth verse:

“Top commie Xi feels like a Chinese chicken,

Wants to take Taiwan but now the clock is tickin’

Thought he’d be okay with Harris in there,

‘cause there’s no there there,

But now it’s Trump and that’s a problem.”

Okay, enough frivolity.  In my next column I’m going to cover some of the good news that is coming out of the Trump camp, and which bodes well for the next four years.  But I’m not quite done with celebrating the obnoxiousness of the frustrated lefties and the fits they are still throwing about the election.

I’ve grouped these into three categories.  The first is the sad-sack, street-level Democrat foot soldiers.  They believed all the lies and propaganda they’ve been fed, and I actually feel sorry for them.  Most of them seem to have either had a rough childhood, or else they’ve been spoiled rotten, or they’ve been raised by some really sub-par, politically poisonous parents. 

I’m holding out hope that some in this category can still turn things around for themselves, if they can just accept and learn the lessons from the beating that reality just gave them last week.      

Perhaps the best examples of these are the far-left gender feminists who recorded hysterical videos and shaved their heads in protest of Trump’s election.  If I could just talk to them, face-to-face, I think I could explain the hilarious yet painful reality they’re going to face between now and the middle of February or so.  I would say something like this…

You’ve bought into the ginned-up hyperbole in media, Democrat and academic circles that Trump’s supporters are a threatening patriarchal army of storm troopers, and you’re the brave resistance, fighting the good fight from your romanticized underground.  You really believed that they are going to be coming for you, kicking in doors and dragging you off, forcing you into those idiotic Handmaid Tale outfits and breeding you against your will.

And now you’re going to spend the next two months commiserating with other paranoid lefties, re-shaving your head and putting on 25 pounds from binge/grief eating and preparing for the lowering of the Orange Curtain (so much worse than the Iron Curtain of your socialist co-religionists!) over your imagined Amerikka.

And then, a couple weeks after the inauguration, you’ll discover that no one has come for you.  You shaved your head, quit your job at the vegan bookstore, got a few more piercings and a Planned Parenthood solidarity tattoo on your right butt cheek, stopped paying the rent on your apartment (since you’ll soon be in a camp) and braced yourself for the ominous knock at your door. 

But nobody came.  Not on the first day of “Trump II: the Re-Trumpening.”  Not during the first or second week.   

And then you’ll stagger out into the street, bloated and bleary-eyed from crying yourself to sleep, blinking in the sunlight and running your hand over the ugly stubble on your stupidly shaved head.

And you’ll see happy and optimistic citizens, walking around with purpose as they begin to enjoy a newly liberated America, with an economy that’s picking up and civil rights that are being protected.  As if it were morning in America again. 

Because it is!

And it will start to dawn on you: We don’t hate you.  We don’t even know you.  Your angry social media manifestos and your slam poetry meant to overturn the capitalist system has had no impact, other than making you unnecessarily miserable.

The patriarchy isn’t afraid of you, or obsessed with controlling you.  It doesn’t care about you one way or the other, because it’s not really a thing.   You’re not a member of an exciting, transgressive new gender, because there are still only the two.    

You’re just a gullible goofball who fell for the lies of the most hateful, oppressive grifters to appear in America since the Democrat slaveholders were defeated by Lincoln and his Republican armies in the 1860s.

If you can accept that realization, and get through the shame, and repent – renouncing the leftist devils and all of their evil ways – we’d love to have you join us as we do our best to undo the damage of the last four years.        

(By the way, on your imbecilic charge of GOP “Nazism”, I am begging you to read just a little bit of history.  The acronym “Nazi” refers to a party of “German socialist workers.”  Hitler opposed international socialism NOT because he was a conservative/right-winger, but because he was a xenophobe who wanted a German NATIONAL socialism.  Do you see the through-line there?  Hitler vs. Stalin was a socialist-on-socialist battle royale.)

The second category is the professional class: organizers, bureaucrats and academics.  You may have seen the best example of this group: the video put up by a lefty woman named Arlene at 5:00 on election day.  Search for it under “Dr. Arlene Political Analyst.”

She laughs and smirks her way through telling the story of a lowly store clerk she encountered that day, when she was buying champagne to celebrate Kamala’s certain win that night.  When the clerk looked skeptical, Arlene explained to him – in 180-proof condescension – that Kamala was definitely going to win.

It all comes down to “reproductive rights” you see, and the abortion-loving women of America were going to dominate the ballot box.  In fact, Que Mala was going to sweep all 7 battleground states, plus Iowa!  When the poor male dullard still seemed skeptical, she said, “I’m a political analyst, and I’m telling you right now, she’s winning this election.”

Then she rubbed it in: “You do realize that you’ve wasted your vote, right?”  And then she cackled more obnoxiously than Kamala, which I wouldn’t have believed possible. 

If you watch the video, don’t forget to watch the sequel, which she recorded after Trump stomped Kamala.  Because her reaction is chef’s-kiss perfect.  The cackle and smirking are gone, but she has figured out why her flawless prediction was off. “There is one fundamental thing that you cannot account for when you are using data to predict the outcome of an election.  You can’t factor in the impact of racism and misogyny.” 

Unexpectedly!

I am afraid that there is less hope for this woman and the others in her category, because once you’ve acquired advanced degrees and achieved this level of narcissistic arrogance, it’s going to take a planetary extinction-level event to have any chance of piercing the reinforced shell of your immense self-regard with even a tiny bit of reality.

(By the way, this woman temporarily broke the SFPI© (Simpson Face Punchability Index).  The maximum score possible should be a perfect 10, but when I entered this video, the reading was 12.5.  I’ve got my engineering team working on the problem, but so far it seems like the extreme level of smugness overwhelmed the Index.)

The third and most rarified category of wrong-headed lefty is made up of the top of the pyramid, those who hold the most respected positions at the top of our supposedly elite cultural institutions.

The archetypal example here is the august membership of the NY Times Editorial Board.  This crazy cabal put out a 10-minute video last week entitled, “The Worst Version of a Trump Administration,” and it’s as wildly and irrationally apocalyptic as any of the crying leftist mental-patient TikTok videos. 

Each genius recorded his or her doomsday predictions, which are presented sequentially.  And each one is more unhinged than the last.  One white lady with a schoolmarm vibe warns that Trump will send troops into “neighborhoods like my own to round up undocumented immigrants… and set up a network of camps.” 

One of them solemnly fears his promise “to become a dictator on day 1.”  Another one says, with a straight face, that Trump might bomb Mexico. 

Something called “M. Gessen” – birth name “Masha,” but a non-binary “they/them” who is either a very homely woman, or a very frail and still homely man – says Trump will essentially destroy our institutions.  (On second glance, it/they appears to have a beard, but it’s the thinnest, wispiest beard imaginable, and seems to whisper “see what taking male hormones can do?”  So your guess is as good – and as gross – as mine.)

Charles “Boy Does He” Blow says that Trump’s policies are “democracy ending.”

Again, these are not the kind of rando-s you might expect to see on a “womyn’s TikTok forum,” or the lost and wandering souls milling around outside a methadone clinic.  They are the editorial board of the NEW YORK FREAKING TIMES!!

These are the people who generate and disseminate the paranoid fantasies that filter down to the professional category – providing them with the building materials for their arrogant self-image – and down to the foot-soldier category, trapping them in their unsophisticated, self-imposed misery.

I picture a carved sign over the NYT boardroom reading, “Abandon all Hope, Ye Who Enter Here,” because there must be a special place in hell for those who do this much damage to their society. 

I am almost convinced that they have to know that the cartoonish depiction of the unspeakable horrors of the coming Trump term is false.  How could they not? 

But then if they do know, how can they record this idiocy, knowing that they’re going to be exposed as either liars or fools?  This isn’t like global warming doomsday scenarios, when people saying America will be underwater in a century will be long dead before their predictions are disproved. 

These people will still be here in four years (with the possible exception of M. Gessen, who does not look well) when their paranoid fantasies will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are morons.

Let’s all save that video, and meet back here right before Christmas of 2028, when we can drink to the memories of P-Nut the Squirrel, Fred the Raccoon, and the disgraced members of the NYT Editorial Board.

Hamas delenda est!

The good feelings in the aftermath of Trump’s election are coming from two sources at once: the immediate positive results from a radical shift in direction, and the sweet schadenfreude of watching our opponents receive their much-deserved comeuppance.

The exuberance flowing from the former feels like we’ve been suffering from a long and miserable illness, and the fever has finally broken.  It reminds me of when Reagan won in 1980.

I was a callow youth of 18 when Reagan was elected, and because I was one of those strange young males who was interested mostly in sports and girls (and sure, tons of reading), I didn’t pay much attention to politics.  But I followed the biggest issues in the news, and in the subsequent years, as I got into politics, I came to admire Reagan, as right-thinking people do.

And I loved the way that this optimistic leader brought such a change of outlook to America.  Carter’s tired, leftist defeatism and malaise burned off like a fog after the sunrise, and though it took 18 months for Reagan’s economic policies to start bearing fruit, the mood changed immediately.

Carter didn’t seem to have much faith in the nation, and his defenders said that his grim struggling was mostly because the presidency had become too burdensome for one man to shoulder.  Then Reagan entered, and said, “Hold my jar of jellybeans and watch this.”  He clearly loved the country, and his outlook had more optimism than caution to it. 

The most obvious change came in foreign policy, when the Islamic fanatics in Iran who had been holding our hostages for over a year released them immediately.  From there Reagan started cheerfully opposing the soviet socialists, and began the pushback that would cause the USSR’s collapse shortly after he left office. 

There is a more contemporary example of that Reagan-esque “morning in America” feeling.  Or in this case, “morning in Argentina.”  Javier Milei became the president there, and many saw him as a Trumpy figure.  He was brash and bold, and to the wild hair he added the craziest mutton-chop sideburns since Mungo Jerry.  (Boom!  Obscure pop culture reference ripped from the headlines… of 1970.)  

Milei introduced a pro-free-market package of policies that included government austerity, and tearing through the national bureaucracy like a chainsaw.  And in a very short time, he’s achieved incredible economic and quality-of-life gains for the Argentinian people.

A week out from Trump’s election, I’m already getting some Reagan-with-Mungo-Jerry-sideburns vibes.  Just as the Ayatollah released our hostages in 1981, the government of Qatar – which had been sheltering some top Hamas kleptocrats for over a year now – suddenly (within 48 hours of Trump’s victory) announced that they were kicking those creeps out of Doha. 

I wonder why?  Do you think it has anything to do with the fact that Biden’s attitude has been, “Qatar should mediate negotiations between Hamas and Israel that will go on for 47 years with no resolution,” and that Trump’s new offer is, “We’re giving the IDF lots of weapons and letting them off the chain, and they’re going to start dropping buildings and handing out ballistic enemas in Qatar the way they have been in Gaza and Lebanon”?

Coincidentally, the value of the Iranian currency has dropped, Hamas is putting out peace feelers in the press, and hostile world leaders know that they will soon be dealing with a confident US leader leaning into “peace through strength,” rather than a shuffling corpse or a cackling fellatrix pushing “peace through appeasement.”

Meanwhile at home, the NYC Mayor just announced that he’s stopping the insane policy of providing $18,500 welfare payments to illegals in his city, and the mostly corrupt top brass at the the FBI and elsewhere in DC are scrambling to find other employment before the orange broom begins to sweep clean.   

The schadenfreude from our opponents’ shell-shocked disarray continues to come hard and fast, too.  Suddenly no one on the left will admit to ever having had anything to do with Joe Biden or Kamala Harris.  Except for the dope on CNN who says Que Mala should be appointed to SCOTUS!

I can just hear their debates now:

Que Mala: I was raised in the middle class—

John Roberts: You can’t begin every dissent with, “I was raised—”

Que Mala: I’m speaking.  Will you let me speak?

Alito: This case is about contested rights over fisheries in coastal waters—

Que Mala: These fisherpersons have hopes.  They have dreams.  They have—

Thomas: Aspirations?

Que Mala (glaring at him): I didn’t just fall out of a coconut tree.

Roberts: What?  Nobody said—

Que Mala: I’m speaking!

And, scene.

One of the funniest developments of the last week has been finding out that the political party of hugely wasteful government spending programs blew through a shockingly high mountain of cash in their failed campaign.

Unexpectedly!

Kamala raised a billion dollars – “billion” with a “B!” – and somehow ended up $20 mil in the hole!  It turns out every sleazy celebrity who posed as a close personal friend and committed leftist was charging the Dem campaign for their appearances.  Creepy Oprah – who is literally a billionaire – reportedly charged Kamala $1 million to “interview” her for the cameras.

Sure, I’d listen to Kamala’s inane word salad for a million bucks.  But not if I had Oprah’s money!

And the rest of the Dem brain trust weren’t much smarter than Kamala.  Because they poured just under half a billion dollars ($495 mil) into 5 Senate races – two defending Dems in MT and OH, and three going after GOP seats in MO, TX and FL.  And they went 0-for-5 in those races!

If you’re keeping score at home, the GOP spent around $500 million and won the White House, the Senate and the House, while the Dems spent over 3 times that much.  And all they achieved with all of that cash was to kill P-nut the Squirrel and Fred the Raccoon, and to make all of the women (including those assigned male at birth) in the “main-stream media” cry like toddlers and throw hilariously entertaining tantrums. 

One added bonus: the elite Left now has $1.5 billion less to spend on the next election cycle!

Speaking of added bonuses, our cup continues to runneth over – after all the joy that hath cometh in the morning! – because our leftist betters seem to have learned zero lessons from their epic beatdown.

Ken-Doll Newsom has called a special legislative session to beef up CA’s resources to fight Trump on environmentalism, abortion, and immigration, and Jabba the Pritzker in IL and Schumer and Hochul in NY are calling for similar efforts.  In reality, that means that taxpayers in those states will have more of their money wasted.  Post-Dobbs, abortion is handled completely by the states already, and they are free to spend state dollars on green boondoggles to their hearts’ content.    

In Massachusetts, Grandma Squanto is on the warpath too, vowing the same kind of “resistance” to the legitimately elected government of our nation.  She’s setting up a pitched battle of cowboys and Warrens (#wemustneverstopmockingher) along the same lines as the other blue governors. 

Because their deep and abiding love of our sacred democracy requires them to fight the voters’ express preferences tooth and nail, of course.

I’ll leave you with one more bit of good news.

Oops, two: my daughter Katie is fully recovered, and has already been back to nursing for two shifts.  Thanks again for all the thoughts and prayers for her!

Second, MSNBC went into the weekend trying to give their benighted viewers some hope for the future in the form of a story headlined, “Five Democrats in prime position to be face of the party in 2028.” 

(Please feel free to insert your own “faces only a mother could love” joke here.)

The line-up is as follows:

CA’s Ken-Doll

MI’s Gretchen “Wicked Whitmer of the Mid-west” Whitmer

IN’s Mayor Pete

PA’s Josh Shapiro

MD’s Governor Wes Moore

The first three are well-known and well-loathed, due to their records of failed governance.  Their best attributes seem to be their identity-politics box checking: Whitmer is female (sort of), Pete is gay (and likes choo choos), and Newsom is sort of non-binary, due to his featureless plastic genital region.

But after this election – in which Trump got record high (for the GOP) vote percentages from blacks, Hispanics, suburban women, native Americans, Jews and even Amish! – the bloom may have gone off the identity-politics rose.

So the front runners would have to be Shapiro and Moore.  The former because all we know of him is how he compares to Tampon Tim Walz (and clearing that bar means literally nothing), and the latter because he is completely unknown.

Shapiro’s Jewishness is likely to hurt his chances amongst the jihadi element of the Democrat base, but Moore is black.  So he is the defacto Dem to beat, because of anti-white racism, and his totally unknown status.

I know it’s a little early for the Polymarket to start cranking up for 2028. 

But I’ve gotta say, I like our chances so far.

Hamas delenda est!

It’s still sinking in, guys!  It’s five days later, and the relief and the joy – which, it turns out, doesn’t just cometh in the morning, but also the next day, and the next day, and at Thanksgiving, and at Christmas and most definitely in January! – is still sinking in!

My six-day (and counting!) experience of waves of happiness has reminded me of one of my favorite jokes from the late great Norm MacDonald (man, I miss that guy, along with Sam Kinison!).  You can find it online, and Norm tells it way better than I can write it, but it’s about LSD:

“They warned me that you’ve got to be careful with that LSD, because you can have flashbacks.  Ten years can go by, 20 years, 30 years, and then you’ll have a flashback.  And I thought hey, that sounds like a good deal.  You’re telling me that I buy a drug, and I eat it and get high, and then 20 years later, I get high again?  I like to stretch my drug dollar.”  Then he goes on to bemoan the fact that he’s never actually gotten a flashback.  

Well, this Trump victory over Que Mala and all the forces of darkness is giving me what Norm was looking for with his foray into LSD.  Because I got a hat-trick of dopamine, serotonin and endorphins hit me on Tuesday night, and the giddy flashbacks have been coming in quasi-orgasmic waves ever since.  If I were still teaching, my productivity would have dropped off a cliff!

Fortunately for all of us, my vocation now is writing about politics and mocking leftists, so I am a pig in slop.  A Hunter in a brothel!  A Pritzker in a Krispy Kreme factory!!

All of these happiness neurotransmitters are hitting me like the discovery of drugs hit the Beatles, and I feel like I’m ready to get into the studio and knock out the political commentary equivalent of Abbey Road every day for a month!    

In fact, right now I’ve got 4000 words drafted, which is two and a half columns, and I’ve got notes for that many more.  This is likely going to be another 4-column week, at least! 

So all of you who say my columns are too long, and you’re tired of winning, it’s just too much winning… Suck it, Trebek!  The bodies of our political enemies litter the field before us, and it’s time to trample the wounded and hurdle the dead.  (Rhetorically speaking, I mean.)  And to savor the lamentations of their men who identify as women!

Whoo.  Let me catch my breath.

While I do that, the soundtrack for today’s column is a cover of the Beastie Boys’ “Sabotage” by a group called “Brass Against.”  It’s a three-minute adrenalin dump that I’ve been listening to compulsively since Wednesday.

The song captures my paranoia, anxiety and anger about the way the Dems rigged the 2020 elction, and the way I feared they were going to sabotage us again this time.  “Brass Against” is 9 people with the usual players (vocalist, drummer, guitar), but also a great horn section (2 trumpets, 2 trombones, a sousaphone and baritone sax), and their cover is great.  They’ve got the same dirty guitar of the original, and the female vocalist has the same nasal NY Beastie Boys tone, but that brass, though!

Turn it on, and blast it.  And when you get to 1:40, wait for things to crescendo into the cacophonous wall of sound and primal scream that goes on for 30 seconds – THAT’s what I felt when they called PA for Trump!

Okay. If I smoked, I’d be lighting one up right now.  Since I don’t, let’s just move on.

So one of my favorite stories this week appeared in the NY Post, and it covered a TikTok posted by Tim Walz’s daughter after the election.

I know what you’re thinking: That skipping dipsh*t fathered a child?!

Apparently so.  And she’s 23, and named Hope Walz.  (If her middle name isn’t “Less,” I am very disappointed.) She’s got a nose ring, and is the type of angry, narcissistic goofball who has no qualms about recording and posting a whiny video of herself being hilariously wrong about politics.

Unexpectedly!

She’s eating Sponge Bob mac-and-cheese on a couch (as normal adults do), and wants us to know that she’s heartbroken and angry, and that she doesn’t think too highly of Trump and Vance.  She says that she’s grateful to be her, and glad “that she’s on the side of love, hope, joy and progress.” 

Wow!  A leftist white lady who thinks that she’s just aces, and looks down on everybody who disagrees with her?  The hell you say!

She does get one thing right, though.  “This country does not deserve Kamala Harris!”

Amen, sister, and thank God!

An extra bonus I got from reading that story?  I learned that Trump beat Harris and Walz in Walz’s home county in Minnesota.  HA!  

In the same vein as poor Hope(less) Walz, I’ve been enjoying another bullet dodged by my younger, single, male brethren.  I’m talking about the trend of leftist females going online to proclaim that they’re going on a sex strike against men.  A few of them have even shaved their heads on camera, as a means of protesting the election.

Which gives me many thoughts.

Thoughts such as, “So you’re still happy with having hairy armpits and legs, but the hair on your head is what has to go?”

And, “I’m not saying these ladies are unattractive.  But when shaving your head is a lateral move, looks-wise…”

And, “I don’t think you know what motivates straight guys at all.  I mean, if someone who looks like Melania or Megyn Kelly says she’s on a sex strike, most guys are going to be flying a flag of mourning at half-mast.  (And yes, you may have just detected an extremely subtle double entendre right there.) 

But these gals?  It’s a big combo of “meh” and “whew!”

I’ve also learned another new thing when I came across these stories, many of which have the term “4B” on the screen.  And because I’m not just a pretty face and a razor-sharp wit, I buckled down and did some research to enlighten CO nation.  (It’s a cliché because it’s true: we Simpsons are working dogs, not show dogs.)

And it turns out that the term “4B” has its origins in a feminist movement that started in South Korea, and it refers to “four Korean words beginning with ‘bi’ or “no” in English:  1. Bihon (no marriage with men), 2 Bichulsan (no childbirth), 3. Biyeonae (no dating men), 4. Bisekseu (no heterosexual sexual relationships). 

If all of these TikTokers will allow me to man-splain something – because I know that feminist “4B” chicks must really love that – they could have saved themselves 3 auxiliary Bs, and boiled their cunning plan down to just the 4^th B. 

Because if “bisekseu” means “no hetero sex,” that’ s going to pretty much preclude the other three Bs.  (I really hope that the Korean education system is better than ours, and that Korean women thus already understand that if there’s no hetereo-sex going on, they’re not going to have to worry about childbirth!) (Or marriage, for that matter.)

I like to think that we can all learn from everything we read, and I’ve learned a valuable life-hack from this research.  Because for most of my life, I’ve been plagued with a recurring problem: when women encounter me – in class, or on the street, or in a restaurant or store – some of them will take note of my firm jawline and dreamy eyes, and approach me flirtatiously.

If my wife is with me at such times, she’ll give them a look that communicates her ferocious Viking heritage, and they will slowly back away, trembling.  But if I’m alone, things are trickier.  That’s why I carry a collapsible metal baton that I can open with a flick of my wrist and wield defensively.  (I used to carry a pitching wedge with me at all times for this purpose, but that got awkward in some social settings.)

But now that I’ve read about the delightfully diverse Korean culture, I’ve got a new strategy.  I’ll just raise both arms in front of me, palms outward, and say in a firm and loud voice, “Bisekseu!”

I’ve already shared this brilliant strategy with CO and the other Roving Correspondents, and I’m sharing it with all of you now.  You’re welcome.

Okay, another column’s coming tomorrow, but I’ve got to leave you with my favorite unhinged leftist proposal from the last several days.  (And the competition is stiff!) 

CNN bonehead Bakari Sellers floated the idea of Biden replacing Sonia Sotomayor on the Supreme Court before Trump takes office in January.  That’s not a bad idea from the Democrats’ point of view: Sotomayor is 70 and rumored to have some health issues, so they’d love to avoid another RBG situation and put a younger far-left justice on the court before the Orange Menace takes over.

But then Bakari shows that he may have been dipping into the Bacardi.  Because his recommended replacement for Sotomayor is… wait for it… Kamala Harris!

That’s right, the woman who just definitively proved that she is not qualified to run a lemonade stand, and is the emptiest of all empty pantsuits…  He thinks SHE would be a good pick for the highest court in the land! 

Of course, Bakari is just like most of our leftist elites who expected that she’d be the next president.  They thought they’d be able to ride a wave of faux joy and smearing us as Nazis into another four devastating years in the White House.  Thank God they were so wildly wrong!

Or as the Beastie Boys might have told them, “Your crystal ball ain’t so crystal clear.”

Speaking of Nazis, on this Veterans’ Day, I’ll bet a ton of our military heroes, from those who hit the beaches in Normandy to go kick some socialist arse in 1944 all the way up to today, are celebrating Trump’s forthcoming second term along with all of us.   

Hamas delenda est!

What a day, CO nation! Trump won the electoral college, and he won the popular vote.  He even won white suburban women.  And more blacks and Hispanics than any other GOP candidate in history!

We’ve got the Senate, and most hopefully the House too, if only by a bit.  It’s going to be a great Thanksgiving, and a happy Christmas.  Our long national nightmare is just about over! 

I slept about 3 hours last night, and I’m still feeling a little bit hungover, but not in a bad way.  I’d say the issue is about 10% bourbon, 50% relief, and 40% schadenfreude.  And now that I’m retired and don’t have to go into work, I’m going to try to keep nursing all three of those into and through this coming weekend, at least!

Here’s my soundtrack for the last 16 hours: “Here Comes the Sun” (because you have to have some Beatles) Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah (from when Disney was Disney), “I Should Have Known It” (Because: Tom Petty.  Also, that guitar lick, the bald brother on drums, and the message to the Dems: “It’s over now you see?  It’s the last time you’re gonna hurt me!”).

And Ray Charles and the Voices of Jubilation Singers doing “Oh Happy Day.” Because: Ray Charles in a leisure suit/tux, a Yamaha keyboard, and a crowd of dashikis backing him up.  As a Christian, the lines, “Oh happy day, oh happy day, when Jesus washed my sins away,” are always going to resonate with me. 

Also, is it a coincidence that “when Jesus washed the Dems away” also fits the rhyme scheme there?

It is not.

At the beginning of the night, I was so nervous that I took Cassie the Wonder Dog for her evening walk earlier than usual.  Then, when some of the early returns were not looking so great, I took another long walk. 

Then I walked the floors a lot while I was on the phone and/or texting with a cousin, an old buddy from grad school, and even the great and powerful CO himself.   (My favorite line of his was when he described the atmosphere on MSNBC as “Shakespearean despondency filtered through a membrane of bitterness!”) 

So I managed to get my 6000 daily steps in.  And then 14,000 more!

And sometime around 11 o’clock, when it was clear that things were going our way, I began to relax, and started with the celebratory bourbon.  Around 2:00 a.m., after Pennsylvania was called and Trump had won, I took another long walk, during which I prayed and whistled and smelled some very nice, late-flowering night-blooming jasmine in the neighborhood.

I walked past some of the Harris/Walz and “We love abortion!” yard signs in the surrounding blocks.  I stopped next to them, in case Cassie needed to relieve herself.  But because she’s too classy for that – and also a female – she declined to raise a leg on them.  

I considered doing that myself, but because I am too classy for that – and also because I’d gone before I left the house – I refrained.

And now I’ve spent the whole day flipping back and forth between news channels and making the rounds of my favorite websites, soaking in the good news, and savoring the defeat of those bad actors who sorely needed defeating. 

There’s so much news out there that we’ll all be digesting it in the coming days, so I thought I’d just do a little freestyle rambling about what has caught my attention so far…

I love that the Obamas have been smacked down and thwarted!  Some black commentators on the lefty channels criticized Barack for scolding black males for not coming out for the Empty Pantsuit.  His creepy invocation of the “fine people on both sides” lie on the eve of the election richly merited the comeuppance he got.  And Michelle’s angry closing speech repulsed everyone who wasn’t already in her camp.

But Barack’s a dishonest racial arsonist, and liars gonna lie.  And the Scowling Wookie’s gonna scowl!  And it availed them nothing!  HA!

Even though the popular vote is electorally irrelevant, I’m really glad that Trump won it.  The Dems made a big deal in 2016 about the “unfairness” of him winning the election despite Hillary getting more votes than him.  And for low-info voters who don’t understand the electoral college, I can understand their frustration.

But with Trump winning the popular vote, they can’t lie about how they “really won,” or his victory wasn’t legitimate.  (Even though many of them still will.)  

Their white-hot hatred of Trump makes their defeat even sweeter!  They’ve been calling him a Nazi moron and a misogynist half-wit fascist, not to mention a Satanically evil yet cartoonishly incompetent buffoon, while at the same time a grave threat to democracy.  They say he’s a rapist and a convicted felon, and the worst president in our country’s history.

And yet, when the American public looked at him, and then at Kamala, they said, “We’ll take felon, rapist, Satan-Hitler, please.”

There hasn’t been a popular democratic choice so humiliating since the 15^th century, when Romanians – faced with the choice of living under the rule of Ottoman Muslims or local prince Vlad the Impaler, model for Bram Stoker’s Count Dracula – chose Vlad!

Got that, Democrats?  We’d rather elect Orange “Don the Impaler” Dracula than the Cackler and the Knucklehead!        

Also, how great is it that in a year when the entire Democrat party pinned their hopes on a titanic uprising among women voters – whom they assured us were super-motivated to retain the right to kill their children up until their second trimester in kindergarten – Donald Trump became the president who defeated BOTH of the “first female president” candidates? 

I haven’t seen anyone beat two women that badly since that tranny Algerian guy in the Olympics! (Which the leftist commentariat supported by the way, so spare me the “we care about women!” talking point.)

Ooh, that reminds me of a story about that guy, which I swear I am not making up.  A French hospital released a report on Monday claiming that he’s got XY chromosomes, internal testicles and a “micro-penis.” 

Now that I’ve written that, I can’t give you the pop quiz question I thought of last night after my second bourbon:

Who reportedly has internal testes and a micro-penis?

A.  Algerian “female” boxer dude

B. Tim Walz (when Minnesota still hadn’t been called by 11:00 p.m.)

C. Doug Emhoff (when Que Mala found out about the nanny)

D. Poor Adam Kinzinger  

Answer: Yes.

One other activity I’m enjoying today is revisiting all those who predicted that Kamala would win this election.  Even some members of CO nation – you know who you are! – seemed confidently pessimistic that Orange Man was no match for the tag team of Empty Woman and the Meretricious Media.   

Wrong celebrities are even more fun.  Old Snakehead Carville promised that Kamala would whip Trump.  Whoopi Goldberg – I loved her in Ghost (“Molly, you in danger, girl!”) and when she was the Predator in that Schwarzenegger movie – introduced Kamala for her fateful interview on The View as “the next President of the United States!”

But the most entertaining errors come from the pollsters who botch their predictions.  Kamala fans got a confidence boost from Ann Selzer’s poll for the Des Moines Register on Sunday that showed Trump losing Iowa by 3 points.  That pollster and poll are “the gold standard,” we were told.

And then… Trump wins Iowa by 13.  So close! 

I could throw a dart at a board, even after three bourbons, and land on a number closer to the real vote total than that!  I mean sure, I might miss the dartboard the first time or two.  But that third throw would come closer than 16 points off! 

But my favorite inaccurate pollster story this time involves academic nerd Allan Lichtman, the very confident inventor of what he calls the “’13 Keys’ System.”  His keys don’t relate directly to a specific candidate, but to general election conditions, such as whether the incumbent party candidate is the sitting president, or there is a strong short-term economy. 

He claimed that his keys have predicted the election winner in 9 of the last 10 presidential elections, and he confidently predicted a Kamala win on 11/5.  He argued with Nate Silver, who saw a tied contest but said his “gut” told him Trump would win.

Lichtman had me worried, so after Trump won I looked back at his system more closely, and identified my mistake.  It turns out that three of his keys were actually keys of coke. 

So I guess that one’s on me.

Finally, I love the long odds that Trump overcame to win this. 

After the bitterness of 2020, and earning the anger of many of us for his undisciplined pique that cost us control over the Senate with the two Georgia losses in January of 2021, Trump launched the most unbelievable comeback in American political history.  He had already persisted through sham investigations and two sham impeachments, and then he shouldered through a wave of lawfare cases and ridiculous verdicts that would have doomed a normal candidate, followed by surviving two assassination attempts, and then out-working his opponents at an age when most of us are retired or dead.

I mean, the guy was driving a garbage route ten days ago, and now he’s the incoming leader of the free world!  Only in America!  

Hamas delenda est!

1. The Washington Post’s schadenfreude-tastic self-destruction.  The paper’s value has been on a long skid downward, and since Bezos bought it, it’s lost tens of millions of dollars per year.  So Bezos prevented the leftist lunatics in the WAPO newsroom from endorsing Que Mala, and the spoiled kiddies threw a temper tantrum.

In response, Bezos wrote an Op-Ed containing actual common sense: “The hard truth [is that] Americans don’t trust the news media,” and, since “endorsements create a perception of bias… ending them is… the right [decision].”  (Of course he’s still a bubble-dwelling lefty: he warned that if the MSM completely collapses, people will continue turning to unvetted, irresponsible, misinformation-prone conservative podcasts and websites…such as the ones who DIDN’T fall for Russia-gate, laptop-gate, mask-gate, vax-gate, etc. and etc.)

And then the kids in the newsroom flopped on the floor, kicking their tiny feet and holding their breath.  And mirabile dictu, so did a ton of the WAPO’s propaganda-dependent subscribers; 200,000 of them canceled their subscriptions, cheered on by many celebrities and other high-profile dullards.

So if the WAPO keeps shoveling out their steady stream of dishonest pap, they will continue their doom spiral downward into a Biden-esque, flatlined state, until the plug is mercifully pulled, once Bezos will no longer throw good money after bad.  OR, they can try to go cold turkey and start printing true journalism… and get there much more quickly, as all of their dead-end readers flee.

Beautiful! 

Even though Bezos is actually trying to do the right thing, he and the MSM are now reaping what they’ve been sowing for years.  It’s a blue-on-blue circular firing squad, and I’m not sure my supply of popcorn is going to hold out.

2.  Kamala crammed an awful lot of self-contradictions into her big speech on Tuesday night:

“This election is about the future,” followed by, “But January 6th, though!”

“It’s time to turn the page,” followed by, “I can’t think of any changes to make from my time with Biden!”   

“We must stop pointing fingers and come together,” followed by, “But Trump is a tyrant!  Everybody point your finger at him and yell, ‘Tyrant!’”

(You’ve heard of the “Thrilla in Manilla?” This speech should’ve been called, “Back-flips on the Ellipse.”)

But my favorite part came literally seconds into the speech.  After months of insisting that crime is way, WAY down, she begins her speech.  But she is immediately drowned out by cascading sirens, presumably from cop cars chasing criminals and ambulances racing crime victims to area hospitals.

The only way that audio backdrop could have been improved upon?   Gunshots and despairing screams of, “Oh God, why are all these horrific crimes happening even though we’ve elected only Democrats in DC for the last century?!” 

(And then, from a lonely CO Nation member on the edge of the crowd, “Unexpectedly!”)

3. The GOP’s trolling of the Dems over garbage-gate has been a thing of beauty.  Trump arriving in Green Bay in the garbage truck, then giving a speech in his fluorescent garbageman vest?  Chef’s kiss!

But for my money, Tom Cotton – one of my favorite senators – won the internet by posting two side-by-side pics, one of Trump doing the fries at McDonald’s and the other of him in the garbage truck.  His caption?  “The Biden-Harris economy is so bad that seniors have to work two jobs just to make ends meet.”  Bold move, Cotton!

4. Joe Biden’s covert strategy of “Project: Undermine the Cackler”

Kamala: DeSantis won’t take my calls, and he’s badly mishandling this hurricane!

Three… minutes… lay-tair… Biden: I just spoke to DeSantis, and he’s doing a great job!

Kamala:  Trump is an evil fascist because he MIGHT jail his opponents in the future!

Three… minutes… lay-tair…   Biden:  We’ve got to lock him up!

Kamala:  A no-name comedian at MSG compared Puerto Ricans to garbage. That’s Hitler talk!

Three… minutes… lay-tair…  Biden: All Trump voters are garbage!

Man, that garbage story is – ironically – the gift that keeps on giving!  I’ve loved watching the MSM twisting in the wind over it. 

They first gave us a raft of good “Republicans Pounce” headlines (i.e., whenever a story is truly bad for the left, the MSM focuses not on the bad facts, but on the GOP reaction to those facts…which is always unfair and sleazy, according to the MSM).

Time’s headline said, “WH attempts clean-up after Biden appears to call Trump Supporters ‘garbage’.” So I guess now “Appears” = “you watched him say that.”  Politico and others referred to “outrage” and “a firestorm” on the right, always moving the focus from the dehumanizing comments to the right’s reaction to them.

How much does fate seem to want to humiliate Que Mala?  Over the last 4 years, roughly 98% of Biden’s sentences have been so slurred, garbled or otherwise defective that they could be understood by neither God nor man.

But the ONE TIME that the late President manages to excrete a grammatically correct and clearly understandable sentence, that sentence turns out to be a rhetorical torpedo aimed to strike perfectly amidships against the rusty starboard side of the sinking USS Cackler! 

Here’s Biden’s statement, verbatim: “…Puerto Ricans in Delaware are good, decent, honorable people.  The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters.  His, his, his demonization [slur][slur] seen as unconscionable…”

The Dem MSM hacks, bathed in flop sweat and desperately going over the video like it was the Zapruder film, came up with their own “magic bullet” theory: the phantom apostrophe.  (Worst Star Wars sequel ever, by the way.)

You are probably saying to yourselves, “Oh, if only we had an English professor to provide a quick grammar refresher!”  Fortunately for you, I am here to save the day.  So let me get my white board and my marker out…

Okay.  The desperate MSM weasels are arguing that when Biden said “supporters” he didn’t mean to use that word as a second noun that is equivalent to the first noun (“garbage”) in a sentence whose syntax is clearly comparative. 

He instead meant that word to have an apostrophe after it, indicating possession; thus the Scranton wizard meant to say that “the garbage [he sees] is the supporters’ [garbage].”

That meaning is possible but not likely, for two reasons:

First, there are less ambiguous ways to indicate possession here, e.g. “The only garbage belongs to his supporters,” or “The only garbage comes from his supporters,” or “The only garbage is that of his supporters.”

Second, the much more common syntax to indicate possession puts the noun doing the possessing BEFORE the thing/quality being possessed. 

For example: 

“AOC’s juicy booty” (her words not mine)

“Michelle Obama’s prominent Adam’s apple” (that one’s a two-fer, with “Adam” possessing his “apple”)

“Tim Walz’s inept shotgun skills”

“Kamala’s room-temperature IQ” or

“Liz Warren’s laughably non-existent Indian heritage” (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

So the much more likely interpretation is that Biden was saying exactly what he appeared to be saying: “Trump’s supporters are garbage.”

Especially since that reading fits in perfectly with a years-long pattern of top Democrats slandering GOP/Trump voters with pejorative terms: deplorables, bitter clingers, fascists, Nazis, sexists, racists, bigots, homophobes, xenophobes, threats to democracy, etc. and etc.

Kamala’s closing argument is clear: “Joy has left the building; Trump is Hitler; most Americans are garbage.”

Fellow CO-ers, let’s wear their scorn proudly, and shout it from the rooftops: “We are the garbage CAN people, not the garbage CAN’T people!”

Go vote! Hamas (and Harris/Walz) delenda est!