Tag: Politics

Zogby’s Wacky Plan, and Why Biden Must Stay in the Race (posted 7/5/24)

I hope everybody in CO nation had a good Independence Day!

It was a very low-key one here; my wife and I walked to the nearby campus where they have fireworks on the 3rd.  We were planning to drive to a nearby small town and see the fireworks there on the 4th, but after I spent a day on a carpentry project and my wife was feeling a little under the weather, we stayed in and watched the fireworks from NYC and DC on tv.

I also recorded a two-part bio of Reagan, because I’m nostalgic for the days when we had a solid, competent president.  I’m going to watch that after I post this column, and remember better days.

I’ve always loved the Fourth, and after a lifetime of only seeing small town fireworks – which are just fine by me, generally – Karen and I talked about going up to DC to see next year’s fireworks on the Mall.  If Trump wins in November, we’ve decided we’re going to be on the Mall a year from today, and check that item off our bucket list.

If Biden or his replacement wins, the idea of going to DC is a little too dispiriting to contemplate right now.  But in the meantime, I’m finding humor where I can, which means that I’m enjoying the Democrat disarray while it lasts.

Just looking at random headlines must be horrifying – and deservedly so – for those knuckleheads.    In the middle of a spate of stories of big blue city papers calling for Joey Gaffes to step down, I saw an editorial out of Atlanta saying that “it’s time for Biden to pass the torch.”

Really?  Everybody knows that that guy couldn’t hold onto a torch, let alone pass it.  Even if he could, would you want fire anywhere near him?  He already walks like Frankenstein.  Do you remember how Frankenstein reacted to torches and fire?

Even scarier?  The White House on Wednesday declared that Que Mala Harris is “the future of the Democratic party.” 

Yikes!  Their present is the most decrepit guy from the most decrepit wing of the nursing home, and their future is cackling inanity.  No bueno.

More hilarity comes from a different corner, in the form of new strategy from James Zogby, leftist brother of pollster John Zogby.  If you haven’t heard of James, two facts about him will tell you all you need to know: he worked on Jesse Jackson’s campaigns for president in the 1980s, and commie fossil Bernie Sanders picked him to work on the Democratic Party’s platform in 2016

Now, after what sounds like a lifetime of bad political choices, James has sent a memo to DNC Chairman Jaime Harrison about how to potentially go about replacing Biden, and it’s a beautiful political Rube Goldberg scheme. 

It would have Biden announcing that he’s not seeking re-election (good luck with that!) and then praising Que Mala but NOT naming her as his successor (seriously, good luck!)  “This would kick off a one-month process, during which presidential hopefuls would vie for the support of the DNC’s voting members. Those participating would need the support of 40 voting members to become an official DNC candidate.”

In other words, he’s proposing to shove crack-head Hunter and non-Dr. Jill aside and pry Joe Biden’s cold, dead hands off the presidency, then knife the first non-white, non-male VP, and then retreat to a smoke-filled room from which party bosses would emerge with a candidate whom no voter had a hand in choosing.

Because: Democracy!

It would be just like Tammany Hall, only with pot smoke replacing the cigar smoke in the room where the nefarious deals were being made. 

The kicker – which I could not make up, even with my fertile imagination – is that Zogby is pitching these corrupt, secretive machinations as follows: “The central idea is to create a process that is open, transparent, and energizing, while, at the same time, legitimate and democratic.”

Good lord!  It’s amazing that Zogby’s pants aren’t as engulfed in flames as Biden would be if he  tried to pass an actual torch to Que Mala!

Listen, James, you dopes had a ready-made “process that is open, transparent… legitimate and democratic.”  [Engage Sam Kinison filter:] It’s called “a PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY!! OH! OHHHH!! [End Kinison filter.]  And rather than letting it play out in legitimate ways, you corruptly rigged it, for the third straight time!   

When it looked like scary, radical great-great-grandpa Bernie might beat Cankles McPantsuit in 2016, the DNC rigged the outcome in her favor.  Then in 2020, when Bernie once again looked capable of beating Biden (in a far-left great-great-grandpa face-off), you rigged it for Biden. 

Thus we got the last four years of the Visiting Angels presidency.  (They’re America’s choice in home care!)

And just a few months ago – because you figured that since you’ve gotten the MSM to go along with your hiding of Biden’s dementia since 2020, why not stick with it? – you rigged your own primary AGAIN!  You wouldn’t allow any actual primary contest or debates, and you even set the rules so that any votes for RFK would not be counted.

And NOW, just because your emperor’s new clothes have been revealed as non-existent, you’d like to pull out an 11th-hour “legitimate, democratic” process?

Guess what, James?  You all are as naked as Brandon is.  And NOBODY wants to see that! 

I, for one, stand with our Cadaver in Chief.  He has the delegates, and thus the nomination, and I think he should cling to his office like grim death, if you’ll excuse the expression. 

You hang in there, Joe Biden!  You didn’t come this far – and live through a jail sentence with Nelson Mandela, and long nights on the road in your 18-wheeler, and a fierce battle with Corn Pop, not to mention your narrow escape from the ferocious cannibals who got ol’ uncle Appetizer – just to quit now!

With non-Dr. Jill behind you, and Hunter with his hand out, and Que Mala at your side, you’re just the guy to take on Orange Hitler!  Don’t believe the polls, and don’t listen to John Zogby.  Make your feckless party dance with the one who brung ‘em!

But don’t actually dance.  For the love of God, don’t try to dance.  In fact, just stay in the White House, take plenty of naps, and have Jill stop by right before Matlock, to tell you how well you’re doing.

Because you’re doing great, and you’re the candidate the Democrats deserve, so don’t you quit!

I’ll be back on Monday with several good news stories, including some analysis of the recent SCOTUS decisions that are causing wailing and gnashing of teeth in all the right lefty circles.

Hamas delenda est!

More Debate Fallout, & 16 Nobel Economists are Full of It (posted 7/3/24)

I don’t want to beat the dead horse/prez of last weeks’ debate too much longer.  On the other hand, the fallout continues to amaze and amuse. 

I can’t believe that some lefties actually thought it would be helpful to Biden to point out that he’s pretty functional from 10:00 – 4:00 each day!  First because I don’t think “pretty functional” means what they think it means.

Second, the obvious: can we coordinate with China, Russia, Iran, Hamas etc. to make sure that they instigate any future crises between the hours of 10 and 4, Eastern Standard Time? 

In fact, if it’s convenient, can they please schedule any future attacks to take place no later than 3:00 p.m. Eastern?  That way, our intrepid leader will be able to devote a full hour to his response before he falls asleep in his soup.

Talk about lowering the bar!  Would you be happy with your cable company if you got a signal from 10-4 each day?  With your utility company if you had electricity from 10-4 each day?  Your plumber if he could only fix a toilet one fourth of the time?  Your paid protestor if she could only hold up a catastrophically stupid sign and chant idiotic slogans for a quarter of the day?

And yet that’s supposed to be a positive talking point for the “leader” of the free world? 

Biden’s biggest problem – other than what will happen if a cadaver dog gets within smelling distance of him, and an international incident ensues – is that to the extent there was some small way to mitigate perceptions of his physical and mental infirmity before last Thursday, that opportunity has now left the building.

I mean, when it became too difficult for him to make it up a normal set of airplane stairs, they shifted to a smaller set of airplane stairs.  But now we’ve seen “(Not a) Dr.” Jill guide him down three shallow steps after the debate, and he looked like a Wallenda trying to stay on a tightrope over an active volcano!

There is no airplane that sits close enough to the ground to require only three steps to get into it.  And for Brandon, three steps is two steps too many!

But I am glad to see that after five days of sturm und drang, the miserable Dems seem to be leaning toward keeping Joe in the race, just because the other options might be as perilous as trying to drag him across the finish line.  As ridiculously unlikely as that seems!

This is about as close as you can get to a truly lose-lose situation, and it couldn’t happen to a more deserving party!

On a different note, one thing that we’ve learned over the last 7 years is that we should all be skeptical of experts.  Especially when they deliver their judgments in a pompous, self-righteous tone, we might want to consider mocking their pontifications until and unless they prove the merits of their arguments. 

Aristotle knew this, as one of his logical fallacies was the “appeal to authority” – don’t judge the merits of an argument, but the supposed merits of the people making it.  For example, this policy is obviously right because the king is advancing it, or this theological point is correct because the Pope says so. 

Or Hunter Biden’s laptop is Russian disinformation, because 51 respected, beyond-reproach former intelligence bigshots say so. 

Well, as CO mentioned last week, we now have another example that proves Aristotle right again.  (Seriously, that guy has been proven right as many times as I have, which is pretty impressive for a guy who never had a regular column on the Cautious Optimism site!)

Last week we learned that 16 top “economic experts” – they’ve all got Nobel prizes! – have definitively concluded that Trump’s economic plans will make inflation worse.  In fact, they released an open letter last Thursday, praising Joe Biden’s economic prowess, and endorsing him for president.

For those of you scoring at home, this happened just a few hours before Joey Gaffes stumbled onto the debate stage and did his eerily accurate impression of the Wicked Witch of the West.  (“My cognitive abilities are melting…melting…”)

Now you might think that a bunch of brainiacs like this could have noticed that Biden is a feeble old guy with a bunch of ideas that are even feebler.  (I hereby create a new word.)  Or that he’s been president for the longest 42 months in our nation’s history, during which he executed his policies, and took inflation from the 1.5% he inherited from Trump, to a high of 9%, and an average of around 5.5%.

(Even though I don’t have a Nobel in Economics – don’t get me started: the whole damned thing is just a popularity contest! – I just did a few back-of-the-envelope calculations that suggest that both 9% and 5.5% are in fact higher than 1.5%.  You can Google it.)

But that’s the past.  Maybe these whiz kids know something we don’t know about the future.

If only we had some empirical way to test their confident prognostication.  If only they had gone on record before, giving us inflation predictions against which we can judge their trustworthiness now.  If only—

Oh, wait.  They did that.  Thirteen of them did exactly that, by predicting the results of Biden’s policies on inflation, back when he first took office as a callow youth of 112.

Annnnnnndddddd… it turns out that they are about as accurate as AOC fulfilling a drink order. 

[[AOC (in a Boston pub, a few years back): “Okay, I’ve got one Margarita, one Harvey Wallbanger, two Old-fashioneds and an Irish car bomb.” 

Five confused customers: “Um, we ordered five beers.  If your booty wasn’t so juicy – your words, not ours – you would be getting zero tip.”]]

Those “experts” released a similar open letter in 2021 assuring us all that Brandon’s “Build Back Better” plan (he called it “Bilge Buck Badger,” according to a beleaguered transcriptionist at the time) would – and I am not making this quote up – “ease longer-term inflationary pressures.” 

Yes.  Spending an extra $3 trillion was just bound to ease inflation.  And so it did, “easing” it from a sky-high 1.5% alllllll the way down to… 9%.  Brilliant!

And now these geniuses, in a move that always worked at late-night camp-outs, have turned off the lights, turned on a flashlight under their double-chins, and warned about the eeevilllll Donald Trump! 

Speaking of which, did you notice that during Biden’s skirmish with the teleprompter about the latest SCOTUS ruling yesterday, the usual cadaverous pallor of his skin was suddenly transformed to orange?

It’s finally come to this: his handlers are desperate enough to figure that if they can’t out-perform Trump, maybe they should copy him.  And they tried to turn Dark Brandon into Orange Brandon.

Well it’s not going to work, buddy.  We’ve already got Orange Hitler.

But Orange Moe Howard is still available, and he seems like a lot better fit for you.

Hamas delenda est!

Three Political Requiems: Biden’s Campaign, His Gaza Pier, and Jamaal Bowman’s Comical Last Hurrah (posted 7/1/24)

We have gathered here, first, to mark what looks like the death of Biden’s campaign.

Watching the left’s reactions to his debate self-immolation has been as entertaining as you’d expect.  Just a few months ago, Joe Scarborough bloviated that, “This version of Biden – intellectually, analytically – is the best Biden ever!”  (And “F” you if you don’t agree!)

On Friday morning Scarborough looked like he had just watched the litter of cats that he’d raised and bottle-fed from birth get run over by a giant riding mower in front of his wife and children.  All he could do was mutter about how surprised he was by Biden’s performance, and how he needs to go.     

Lefty actor Michael Ian Black (Who?) from that one show you never saw, had this great quote: “What sucks is, if you listen to Biden’s WORDS, they’re great. But there’s not enough breath left in him for the words to reach your ears.”

Yeah, that’s the ticket!  His words were GREAT!  Words like “mumphlpanditurgg,” “shughelfup,” “zzzzz,” and “six handicap!” 

Good lord!

The transcript of everything he said at the debate would read like a movie scene we’ve all watched: The fourth male lead – stricken by dengue fever, German shrapnel, or an arrow shot by Liz Warren’s war party (#neverstopmocking) – writhes in a medium close-up and rambles incoherently as a nurse wipes a wet cloth over his brow, until he suddenly stiffens, opens his eyes wide and says, “Pa!  Is that you, Pa?  I did my best!  I did… my… gurgrlelelughhhhhhhh.”

And yes, Joe Biden actually said that last word, at minute 24, shortly after muttering that no soldiers died on his watch.

A few days before the debate, one MSM empty head said, “So Biden can’t walk so well.  Neither could FDR.”  Which is a good comparison… if you’re a thoroughly corrupt liar.  Say what you will about FDR, but at least he could conduct fireside chats until late in his presidency.

The closest Biden could come would be a fireside shat!    (Boom!  Low-brow poop joke when you least expect it!)

One of the funniest news bites I came across was that Rob “Meathead” Reiner co-hosted a Hollywood “watch party” for the debate.  Then, after two days of what the Breitbart story called “conspicuous silence” – HA! – he finally tweeted about the debate, admitting that it had been “a disaster” for Biden.

But he still stuck to his guns – and yes, his guns are less reliable than the one Alec Baldwin used on that movie set, and no, it’s not “too soon” for that joke (Because: Alec Baldwin) – calling Biden “a good, decent man.”  Then he said a bunch of stuff about how Trump is orange Hitler and the world is coming to an end and blah blah blah.

I’ll admit that I wasn’t paying attention anymore, because I was savoring the image of Meathead and a bunch of rich Hollywood leftists – and no, they weren’t necessarily ALL addicts, trust-fund kids or pederasts; probably just a majority of them – sitting around a glitzy fundraiser, and slowly deflating as they watched their hero decomposing on stage. 

I picture Babs Streisand, DeNiro and Meathead, with party hats on their heads and noisemakers in their mouths, all hyped up for the big event.  And then Brandon staggers out and mumbles his way through his first several servings of word salad.  Cut back to the celebs, their jaws dropping in horror, and their noisemakers falling onto their laps.    

The schadenfreude cherry on top of that exploding poison sundae is that the “party” was supposed to be a Biden fundraiser!  Rumors that after “Dr.” Jill helped Joe painfully down the longest three stairs you’ve ever seen in your life at the end of the debacle, the Hollywood elite raised 4 dollars and an expired Blockbuster rental coupon, have not been confirmed.     

The general tone of the MSM aftermath was half Monty Python (“This president is no more.  He’s ceased to be.  He’s gone on to meet his Maker.  THIS… is a late president!”) and half Shakespeare (We come not to praise Joe Biden, but to bury him.)  And wholly delicious. 

By the way, I just re-watched that classic Python dead parrot sketch, and saw a detail that I’d forgotten, and which ties it in perfectly with the Biden debacle.  As the scene opens, John Cleese  (carrying the dead parrot in a cage) calls the clearly male store clerk “Miss.” 

When the guy says, “What do you mean, Miss?” Cleese looks at him in momentary confusion, and then says, “Oh I’m sorry, I have a cold.”

And just like that, a benevolent God has given me another moment of bliss.  Because I must have seen that clip a hundred times, but the experience of watching it today included two more tie-ins to our present, bizarre moment: gender confusion, and somebody making a blatant mistake and blaming it on a cold! 

If only Joey Gaffes had thought of that. 

Oh wait…

At some level, I do feel bad for Biden’s self-humiliation.  On the other hand, think how bad it would be for him if he had lived to see it!

But for the corrupt national Dems and the MSM stooges who have been foisting Biden on us like a bunch of mad-scientist taxidermists for four years, I have no pity.  You built this Frankenstein’s monster, you shot him full of amphetamines and kept re-starting his heart with the crash pads, and now you own him. 

However, I think we all need to do our part to try to keep Joe in the race.  In fact, I’m urging all of you to stop avoiding pollsters like the plague. (The natural reaction of all conservatives, and of most smart people generally.)  If anyone calls you or emails with a request to give political feedback, take the opportunity.

Tell them that you love what Biden’s doing, and you’re offended by those who would suggest that our great Democrat standard bearer should step down.  You’re behind him 100%, and he needs to keep fighting until he wins in November! 

Then hang up quickly, before you either burst out laughing, or begin audibly retching. 

My second requiem is for Biden’s Gaza Pier.  As I wrote last month, the pier was built – for only a third of a billion dollars! – to get desperately needed food into Hamas-istan.  It was open for about a week before moderate seas damaged it.  It was towed to Israel, fixed, then deployed again.

Annnnddddd… some breezy conditions and a bad weather forecast forced its removal.  When it was finally deployed again, another bad weather forecast meant that more American resources were spent on dismantling it.  Again!

News reports now suggest that it will likely not be put back in place.  Because it proved to be a stupid, stupid, stupid idea.  (I’m reading between the lines on that last part.) 

On the bright side, during the few days when it was in place, it did allow delivery of a few tons of food…which was immediately stolen by Hamas, then sold to desperate Gazans to raise money for more Jew-killing stuff.   

To recap: Biden spent almost $300 million – money which could have purchased huge packs of desperately needed flamethrowing robot dogs to release on the Democrat convention in Chicago! – on a boondoggle that lasted six weeks, and provided zero supplies to the alleged civilians it was intended to serve.

So let’s lower the Stars and Stripes to half staff for the passing of yet another brilliant Democrat foreign policy boondoggle.  Pointless pier, we hardly knew ye!

Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t also mark the political passing of Jamaal Bowman, who got gloriously hammered in a Dem primary in the Bronx just last week.   You may remember Bowman as the token male member of the Squad, or as the rabid Jew-hater who denied the gang rapes that Hamas thugs recorded themselves committing, or as the moron who thinks you pull a fire alarm to open a door.

But he’s so much more than that!  In fact, if he’s not everything that’s wrong with the Democrat party, he’s emblematic of most of it: fraudulent credentials, racial arsonist, unimpressive and unserious and dishonest right down to the bone. 

He holds an Ed Doctorate – the same degree that notorious elder-abuser “Dr.” Jill Biden has.  I don’t know about you, but I’d rather share a degree with Dr. Kevorkian or Dr. Mengele than with those two. (Okay, that was a bit much.  I retract the analogy.  But just barely.)

He put his degree (in his case, his “duh-gree”) to work by founding the Cornerstone Academy for Social Action, where he curated a “Wall of Honor” that featured black people he thought students should look up to.  People like Clarence Thomas, Thomas Sowell, Glenn Loury and Tim Scott.

HA!  I kid!  Bowman’s ideas of praiseworthy black people included loony anti-Semite congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (so dumb she lost her seat to Hank “Guam is capsizing!” Johnson), and the husband-and-wife team of radical murderers Mutulu and Assata Shakur (parents of Tupac, who died young of terrible parenting). 

Bowman was also a leading advocate against standardized testing.  When I looked into the quality of Bowman’s Cornerstone Academy, I found out that it was a mess.       

UNEXPECTEDLY!

Out of all New York schools – which are totally controlled by Dems, and thus pretty lousy – Bowman’s school ranked in the bottom 13%.  His students would likely be pretty dissatisfied with that.  Except that only 24% of them scored as minimally proficient in math, so they have no idea what that means. 

So it’s great to watch Bowman go.  But it was even better to watch the way he went out, with a hilariously cringy (and futile) get-out-the-vote rally featuring AOC, who bounced on stage to a vulgar Cardi B song, waving her fists and hollering like a hype man at a rap concert. 

Okay, I couldn’t decipher the lyrics of the Cardi B song – I’m not her target demographic, being an old Caucasian guy with great musical taste – but since all of her songs are vulgar, I’m sure this one was too.

Unfortunately for AOC, she chose to speak rather than twerk the whole time.  Because her juicy booty (her words, not mine) is her strong suit (yes, I’m too classy to say “her best asset”), and speaking logically is decidedly NOT, she missed that opportunity.

Then Bowman took the stage, and tried to out-stupid AOC, which is no mean feat.  But he might have succeeded, dancing around and screaming out some “F” bombs.  At one point he picked up a stool and shook it over his head for some reason, swearing and ranting like a black “Nature Boy” Ric Flair, only with less dignity.  (You’re welcome for the timely pro wrestling reference from 30 years ago.)

Then “professional useless person” Bernie Sanders (hat tip to Ben Shapiro) wandered up and did his commie schtick.   

It was telling that their big rally – with three “top draws” among the Democratic left (talk about damning with faint praise!) – in their deep-blue Bronx home, drew a pathetically small crowd. The MSM feeds were cropped just to show the first few rows of people in front of the stage… because a wider angle would have shown a lot of empty grass.

When AOC first jumped on stage, she did the ol’ “cup your hand behind your ear” routine to get the crowd to roar, saying, “I can’t hear you!”  To which someone nearby could have said conversationally (because there was no reason to shout), “That’s because there are very few of us here.”

The optics raised painful comparisons to Trump’s giant rally in the Bronx just a few weeks back.  Yes, that ultimately doesn’t mean much in the Bronx, which hasn’t voted Red since Imhotep Pelosi was a young girl in the Valley of the Kings.

Except that Trump shouldn’t be able to draw thousands of excited people in the Bronx, and AOC should be able to bring out at least a thousand, just from those who want to hear her brand of socialist crazy and get a glimpse of her juicy booty in person.  (Do I have to keep saying it?  “Her words, not mine.”)

To those who say it doesn’t matter that one Dem instead of another gets that seat, I offer a version of WF Buckley’s dictum: if there can only be a Dem representing a deep blue district, it should be the least insane Dem available.

Or as the Babylon Bee said, in the Bronx, “Hamas lost a House seat to the Dems.” 

Hamas delenda est!

Post-Debate: Dems & MSM Should Pay a Price for Lying about the Shape Biden was in (posted 6/28/24)

Wow.  What does one say after last night?

Over the last several days, I’d written up a few ideas for today’s column, figuring that I’d include them alongside some debate reaction.  But now I think I’ll save them for a future column, because I’m sure that this debate is going to suck up all the oxygen in the room.

Oxygen which Joe Biden desperately needed during the debate, apparently.  Because that guy came out more cadaverous than usual, which is truly saying something!    

What happened to the drug cocktail his team has had him on in previous outings?  I figured he’d start out a little hot and a little punchy, and then his energy level would drop off precipitously after 30 minutes or so.

But apparently the chemists and necromancers at the DNC mixed up the prescription bottles backstage.  Instead of filling Joe’s pre-debate syringe with cocaine-infused Red Bull — advertising tagline: “It puts the high OCTane in Octagenarian!” – they gave him 3 ml of “medically induced coma.”

After the first two minutes, I already couldn’t believe my eyes.  His voice was weak and wavering right out of the gate, and he made one mistake after another.  He tried to hit Trump on Afghanistan (!), which is Biden’s first glaring scandal that sent his poll numbers into a tailspin from which they’ve never recovered.

He said he “beat Medicare,” claimed that there are “a thousand trillionaires in America,” talked about women raping their sisters, and muttered his way to the end of one sentence about the border, giving Trump his best one-liner of the night, “I really don’t know what he said at the end of that sentence.  I don’t think he knows what he said either.”

I can’t believe that Biden even went back to the old lie that Trump had called Nazis at Charlottesville “very fine people.”  Especially since left-wing “fact-checking” site Snopes just published a high-profile admission (a few days ago!) that Trump was NOT talking about Nazis or white supremacists.  Meaning that everybody who pays even passing attention to politics knows that Biden was lying.

He even lied about small and insignificant things (as is his wont), claiming that as Vice President he had a golf handicap of 6.  Trump had fun with that, and for good reason.

For comparison, I am several decades younger than Joe Biden, and have been hacking my way around golf courses on and off for many years.  I average around 3-4 pars per round, and can drive the ball reasonably well, though my short game feels like a punishment from an angry Old Testament God.

And not to brag, but I can make a nearly full turn on the ball, I can walk on a fairway without wearing clown shoes to keep me from face-planting, and I have never soiled myself on a fairway or a green.  (What happens in the rough, stays in the rough.) And I never go off into a fugue state in which I stare blankly into the distance until a friend has to lead me back to the clubhouse.

And I’m around a 16 handicap! 

The idea that in his early 70s, Joe Biden was a 6 handicap is less believable than that he whipped Corn Pop with a candlestick in the conservatory, then finished at the top of his law school class, before having high tea with Nelson Mandela at Selma.

Trump made the same point (“I’ve seen your swing.”), before saying, “Let’s not be children.”

When you’ve allowed Donald Trump to take the high ground as the adult in the room, you have lost the debate!

It got so bad that halfway through, Biden mouthpieces claimed that Biden had a cold!  Which is as desperate as it gets, since any real illness would have been disclosed before the debate, even if only to lower expectations.

I’m sure that announcement created a clear mental picture for savvy viewers.  When your own flaks watch the first ten minutes of your “performance” and then leap up and rush to the nearest computers and microphones, you don’t want to hear them say, “He’s got a cold!  And long covid, and short ebola, and mid-range pleurisy!  And possibly mesothelioma!  Plus the studio lights have triggered his light sensitivity, and also his peanut allergy, for some reason.”  

The spin afterwards was even worse, if that’s possible.

Most post-debate spin rooms produce rote propaganda as predictable as the sunrise over Liz Warren’s tribal hunting grounds (#neverstopmocking): “Our candidate knocked it out of the park, especially when he made point 1, 2 or 3, and our opponent made one mistake after another.”

Last night, for the first time in modern political history, the main topic coming out of the DEMOCRAT press was, “Should we force him off the ticket immediately, or wait until Monday?”

Holy cats!   

If this was a fight, they’d have stopped it in the middle of the first round.  If Biden was a racehorse, they would have dispatched him with a merciful rifle shot after he fell in the first turn and snapped all four fetlocks.   

As glad as I am that Biden’s collapse is finally too obvious for the MSM to hide, the problem now is that the debate happened early enough that the Dems will likely be able to push Joe aside and bring in someone else. 

In a column posted on March 8th, (you can find it now on Martinsimpsonwriting.com) I predicted this result, and never has my prognosticating brilliance been more of a burden!   If this debate was the dam-break moment, and all of the polls turn decisively against Biden, I’m assuming the Dems will shortly begin the fraught process of finding another leftist for the top of their ticket.

I hope that we’ll respond in a few ways:

1. We should enjoy the sweet schadenfreude of watching leftist hacks squirming, panicking, and firing within their own tent.  Dumping Joe leaves them with Que Mala, who is the only human in this hemisphere with worse numbers than his.  So they can’t move her up to the top spot.

But she’s the VP because of her race and gender, and dumping her too should produce some angry black female leftists – a potent combination if ever there was one!  And if the Dems try to keep her as VP but move some pale, empty haircut (I’m looking at you, Ken-Doll Newsom) in front of her, that won’t help. 

Pass me the popcorn.

2. We should immediately start beefing up our oppo research files on whoever the likely replacements are.  The best thing the Dems have going for them is that many people still dislike Trump and are looking for an alternative, and if that alternative is not well known, they might be able to squeak through in November.  

3.  We have to hammer the obvious fact that the problem wasn’t Biden, but the national Dems who have been lying about him.  Last night he was terrible, but it was only a difference of degree, and not of kind, from his performances over his entire presidency beginning when they had him campaign from a basement four years ago.

They’ve insisted since 2020 that he’s mentally sharp and healthy as a horse.  When his infirmity has become even more obvious in recent months, they’ve taken one dishonest line after another:

  • Behind closed doors he’s sharp as a tack.
  • He just passed his physical with flying colors.
  • Hur’s report finding that Biden is not competent to stand trial was a lying slur!
  • He wasn’t wandering off at the G-7; he’s just fascinated by parachutes.
  • Every fund-raising video he’s made for months has at least a dozen jump cuts to try to hide that they need that many takes to be assemble 30 seconds of usable footage.
  • Those videos that factually show him doing and saying things are actually “cheap fakes!”
  • As recently as last week, Dem spokes-weasels were insisting that Obama didn’t help him off-stage because he was “frozen” and confused at that fund raiser.

Those lies were always obvious to us, but the MSM tried their hardest to help the Dems hide the truth, as they hoped to whistle past the graveyard – and never has that metaphor been more apt! – and drag Joe’s carcass across the finish line – ditto – in November. 

Assuming that they sub him out, we should be ready with ads showing the voters that the problem wasn’t just Biden, or even primarily Biden, but the dishonest Dem hacks who have been perpetrating this “Weekend at Bernie’s” farce for four long years.

Just have an Eastwood-esque voice-over announcer say, “The Democrats have thrown Joe Biden under the bus, and are now saying that they’ve got a great new candidate for you.  They swear that s/he is fully capable of being the next president.

But that’s what they’ve been telling you about Joe Biden for the last four years.” 

Then play a montage of top Dems insisting that Joe is at the top of his game, interspersed with some of his “greatest hits” gaffe reel, ending with some of his worst flubs from the debate.

End with the Eastwood VO: “If they’ve been lying to you about Joe Biden, how can you trust what they’re saying about NEW CANDIDATE NAME now?”

Let’s enjoy their discomfort at being caught, but then pivot to make them pay over the next four months for their elder abuse and the Potemkin Presidency they’ve foisted on all of us! 

Hamas delenda est!

Raddatz Ambushes Grandma Squanto, & a Poop-Related Story from France (posted 6/24/24)

You won’t believe what I saw during a Martha Raddatz interview on ABCs “This Week” show on Sunday…

…is a sentence you will never see me write, because I would never intentionally watch an MSM show on a Sunday.  Or any other day.

However, I do follow a lot of conservative websites and podcasters, and they often bring interesting stories that happened on lefty agitprop shows to my attention.  So…

You won’t believe an excerpt from a Martha Raddatz show that appeared on Redstate Sunday!  Her guest was Lizzie “Grandma Squanto” Warren, and the interview turned into a real “man bites dog” stunner.

Or should I say a real “white guy scalps Indian” story, in this case?

Normally, Raddatz is a typically biased MSM hack.  You may remember when Obama’s administration bungled the Benghazi bombing, with then-SecState (shudder) Hillary Clinton as their point person.

She was questioned in congress about how several Americans ended up dead, and why her department was caught so flatfooted, and what they knew of the attacker’s intentions before the killings.  Her infamously dismissive retort – “What difference at this point does it make?” – has been cited ever since as a particularly tone-deaf and maladroit performance.

So how did Martha Raddatz write about Hillary’s behavior during that questioning?  She praised the Cankled One as “at times combative, charming, disarming and clearly ready for a fight.”

I tried to do a search for “instances in which Hillary Clinton has ever been ‘charming’?”  And my computer began to vibrate, and then to smoke and hum.  I threw my body over Cassie the Wonder Dog to protect her, just as the computer exploded into a buzzsaw of plastic shrapnel. 

I don’t like to use the word “hero” to describe myself (even though members of CO Nation are doing so constantly, and who am I to fly in the face of public opinion?), so I won’t. 

But I will say that the world is a much better place with Cassie in it, and that because of me, she didn’t become another victim of Hillary Clinton’s murderous incompetence.  So you’re welcome, everybody.

Where was I? 

Oh yeah: Martha Raddatz. She didn’t just call the most charmless harpy this side of Maxine Waters “charming,” she also called her “cool.”  I’m not kidding. In May of 2012, Raddatz started a story on Clinton with the words, “Let’s face it, Hillary is cool.” 

Two years later, she responded to news that Chelsea Clinton was having a baby by saying these words – which I swear I am not making up – to an ABC panel: “Very important question: What do you think Hillary Clinton should be called as a grandma?  I say maybe ‘Glam-Ma.’”

Ooh, I guess it’s too late to give you a “may vomit in the back of your mouth” trigger warning.  Sorry about that.

Anyway, I’m sure that when Liz Warren sat down with Raddatz for an interview, she was expecting the Native American version of a bunch of softball questions tossed over the middle of the plate.  But Raddatz came out loaded for bear.

Or at least for a forked-tongue Pale-Faced Powhatan.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Raddatz correctly said that there have been more than 6.9 million apprehensions at the border under Biden, and only 2 million under Trump, and then asked, “What did the president do wrong?”

Warren was clearly caught with her deer-skin loincloth down (#neverstop), and stammered out, “No, this isn’t about what the president did wrong.”  Then she launched into the ridiculous talking point that Biden was powerless to close the border because he didn’t have the necessary resources, pointing the finger at Republicans who “blocked [the faux comprehensive immigration “reform” bill], blocked it, blocked it, blocked it.”

Raddatz forcefully cut her off: “But Donald Trump didn’t have that either, Senator.  He didn’t have that either, and there were [only] two million during his entire term.”

Lizzie squirmed, wiggled and lied for the rest of the interview, but it was the second most shocking thing I’ve ever seen on ABC’s “This Week.” 

The most shocking thing was that for the first time in my life, I’ve seen Elizabeth Warren with an actual red face!

If I had told you that I had a poop-related story today, I bet that you would guess it would involve one of two angles:

1. Oh no, what world leader has our Cadaver in Chief defecated on now?

2. Have things in San Francisco gotten even worse somehow?

But no. I’m bringing you a foreign pooping story from the put-upon citizens of France. 

The Olympics are going to be held in Paris this summer, and a swimming marathon and the swimming portion of a triathlon are planned to take place in the Seine.  That choice has been controversial, because the Seine is not super-clean.  But the French government is spending $1.5 billion to clean it up in time for the games. 

Because everything else is going perfectly in France.  Jihadi immigrants have not turned whole areas of Paris into no-go zones for police, for example, and French Jews are not being harassed, threatened and attacked there.  So why not toss a billion and a half bucks into the river?

Unfortunately, that effort is not going so well, with bacteria and sewage levels in the Seine still being found at “alarming” rates. 

So the French people knew just what to do.  They might not be very good at some things – minding their own business, standing up to jihadis in their midst (or to Germans on the march) – but they are excellent at one thing: protesting.

Do employers want people to work more than 30 hours per week?  Are various unsustainably high government benefits on the chopping block?  Is anyone suggesting that shutting down an entire nation for the month of August to allow “workers” to take a break from their brutal, 30-hour work weeks might be un peu too much?

The French will hit the streets! 

This time around, though, they’ve gotten more creative.  Because they’re mad about the filthiness of their capital city’s river, some French wag created a website and a hashtag to promote a mass protest calling for thousands of French people to literally poop in the Seine.

The protest was supposed to happen on June 23rd, but I haven’t found evidence of how many people showed up.  As of Saturday, though, the story was getting huge media coverage, and many Frenchmen were vowing to bare the derriere and drop le deuce to show their politicians what they think of them. 

My first thought was to wonder why San Francisco hasn’t filed a copyright violation claim to stop the protest, since they have trademarked fecal-related public events.  But I’ll bet that they’re kicking themselves for limiting themselves to only poop-coating streets, parks and businesses, but not bodies of water!

Still, if someone’s not printing up, “I [poop emoji] Seine-France-isco” t-shirts right this minute, they’re leaving money on the table.

On the one hand, I question the wisdom of protesting the poop levels in the Seine by… greatly adding to the poop levels in the Seine.

On the other hand, French president Macron and the mayor of Paris have promised to swim in the Seine before the Olympics start, to prove how clean it is.

And when I think of what our politicians – the Squad, Joey Gaffes and Que Mala, the entire national Democrat party – have been putting us through for the last four years, can I appreciate the karmic opportunity to do to our politicians what they’ve been doing to us? 

Can I really smile at the thought of that?  Can I?

Well, I am an Ameri-can, aren’t I?

Hamas delenda est!

PWFEs Threaten Dem Electoral Success, & in Florida, Hostage Taking Doesn’t Pay (posted 6/21/24)

Before I get started, I want to thank readers for the kind comments on “my visit with mom” column on Monday.  I feel a little sheepish at the remarks on what a good son I am though, for two reasons.

First, we’re lucky that mom’s personality has not changed, as I’ve seen happen with some Alzheimer’s patients, whose demeanor deteriorates as the condition progresses.  But mom is still her adorable self, so I’d have to be a Hunter-Biden-level d-bag to not love her back and treat her well!

(Regular readers may remember a story that sums up mom, from after a small stroke she had last year.  She was still unsteady on her feet when she came home, so Rhonda told her that she was going to sleep in her bed with her the first night, in case she needed to get up in the middle of the night.  Mom was a little confused, but said, “Okay.”  Then, a minute later, she asked, “Did you have a bad dream?”

That’s our mom, crushing it at motherhood, whether at 25 or 85!)

Second, my sister and her husband live with mom, and have since they sold their house and mom sold hers shortly after dad died.  They bought a house together, and they’ve been with her full-time, so they deserve the real credit for helping her and caring for her.  To the extent that that can be a burden – and it is often one of the joys of life, too – they have come through.

So I feel lucky to be able to stay with her as often as I can, both to give them some time away and to spend precious time with mom.  But I also feel a bit like a divorced, non-custodial dad: I get to be the “fun one” who takes the kid to Disney (pre-grooming, pre-leftist Disney) and buys her presents and then leaves the day-to-day work to the custodial parent.

Still, I didn’t get a chance to respond to the comments on Monday’s column, and I do appreciate them.

And now, onto the usual shenanigans…

As in many past elections, the Democrats’ chief obstacle this November is going to be PWFE.  Which, of course, stands for “People With Functioning Eyes.”

It’s a time-honored tradition for the Dems to be selling some version of “believe what we tell you, and not your lying eyes.” 

Remember when Bill Clinton would be doing a campaign photo op at a BBQ restaurant, and he’d be proclaiming how much he loved CAW CAW and he didn’t have sex with “that woman,” but you’d notice that as he was talking, he was squeezing the butt of the nearest waitress?

Or when they told us that Obama was a post-racial Light-Bringer, but you noticed that he was a smirking narcissist who hated whitey? 

Or when they told you John Kerry had gravitas, and that Pelosi was a canny operator, and that Liz Warren was an Ojibwe Princess? 

But you noticed that Kerry was one of those tree-people from Lord of the Rings, and Nancy Pelosi was the mummified remains of Nancy Pelosi, and Liz Warren was as white as the lead singer of an Edgar Winter cover band performing a Pat Boone medley in a hockey arena in Stockholm? 

(#wemustneverstopmockingallofthem)

Those were your pesky functioning eyes, making trouble for the Dems.

But this year, the PWFE are a threat to the leftist narrative on more fronts than usual.   

This cycle, they’re telling you that crime is actually down, but you’re watching that report on CNN in your hospital room, because you can’t change the channel, because you’re in a full-body cast, because you forgot to run serpentine to your car in a parking lot, and were thus set upon by a bunch of criminals who beat you to within an inch of your life.

They’re telling you that inflation is under control and that Bidenomics is working, but you’re at a diner eating a breakfast that you had to take out a HELOC to pay for, and you’re looking at the prices at the gas station across the street and wondering if there is a skateboarding commute in your future.

They’re telling you that the border is secure, but as you channel surf, you keep seeing what you think is a panoramic scene of an endless column of weary Jews trudging out of Egypt in The Ten Commandments.  But then you look closer, and see that it’s Arizona, and there are zero Jews in the crowd.  In fact, many of them are demanding iPhones and debit cards in Spanish, and others are muttering about “death to the infidels.”

And the guys who jumped you in the parking lot were speaking every language BUT English, and one of them was wearing an “I [heart] MS-13!” t-shirt.

They’re even telling you that their plans to spend billions on wiping out homelessness are working wonderfully.  But you can’t help but notice that Go-pro video of the streets of every blue city looks like a cross between footage from Revenge of the Living Dead and a casting call for extras to play the close friends/meth-y hookers in an upcoming biopic about Hunter Biden.    

But perhaps the Dems’ biggest challenge with PWFE during this election year involves their candidate for president.  Whom, your functioning eyes are telling you, appears to be possibly dead.

Or at least dead-adjacent.

Lefty hacks have been trying to counter that accurate impression of Biden’s public deterioration.  Their first talking points were that whatever Joe looks like in public, behind closed doors the guy is sharp as a tack.  You should see him!  He speaks five languages, knows all the state capitals, the guy is aces!

But even sycophantic lefty late-night hosts ridiculed that idea, and they had to give it up.

So now the brain-trust at the DNC has come up with the most ridiculous gaslighting effort ever, focused around their newly coined phrase “cheap fakes,” which they use to describe video of Biden that evil Republicans have somehow manipulated to make him look bad.

Of course, the term is a variation on “deep fakes,” which are actually a thing.  It turns out that if some tech geek/evil sorcerer has a sample of someone’s voice and image, they can create a fraudulent video of that person appearing to do or say offensive things.  (I’m not sure how computers work.) 

I fully expect them to unleash such fake videos of Trump as an October surprise.  Sure, they will later turn out to be fakes, but not until after the election, when they hope it will be too late to undo the damage.  (Just like the bogus 34 “felony convictions” will certainly be overturned… after the election.)

But while deep fakes are real, and troubling, “cheap fakes” don’t exist.  And pretending that they do is incredible stupid, even for a party with AOC in it. 

They tried to suggest that the GOP has edited or cut video of Biden to give the false impression that he’s a doddering old man.  But everyone has copies of entire videos, and they immediately played them – unedited – in what turned out to be full-color, panoramic, high-def Doddervision™.   

By now, the Dem talking heads can’t even offer a rationale for what they’re saying.  The sapphic Kewpie-doll spokesperson just shakes her curls and waves her arms and repeats, “Those videos don’t show what the bad-faith GOP says they show.”

Disturbing cartoon character James Carville grimaces and sneers and says, “Come ahwne son, yuh can’t bleeve them rotten Reepublic-uns and their lahs about Joe Biden! He’s fit as a fiddle, and they-uh goin’ round sayin’ he old and feeble?  That dog won’t hunt! They just a bunch of lah-ers, thas whut they are.  Joe Biden cud go f’teen rounds with Mike Tyson any day and twice on Sundy, ah’ll tell you whut!  These ain’t the droids you lookin’ fur!”

And then you watch the video, and notice that Biden has the stiff gait (and giant shoes) of Frankenstein’s monster, and the vacant stare of Frankenstein’s monster, and the youthful vigor of Imhotep Pelosi.

And the verbal dexterity of Frankenstein’s monster.

It’s desperate, and it’s not going to work.  Because of PWFE.

Let me end on a more positive note, with a story from my regular category called “Celebration of Excellence.”

This one happened in Florida in February, and you can find it on the great website of the ex-cop who calls himself Donut Operator.  It’s the story of a recidivist criminal in Fort Myers – his mugshot looks like the rare combination of aggressive-looking and pot smoker – who decided to rob a bank in what Donut rightly calls “the least f**king around state in the country.”

This guy’s bank caper doesn’t go well – unexpectedly! – and he ends up facing a dozen cops in flak vests.  He’s got a knife and is holding two hostages, and pulls them very close, and stands between them.

While one cop talks to the Biden-voting (I’m guessing) perp and tries to get him to give up, a sniper uses a fellow cop as a tripod to balance his gun on, just in case.  (Belt and suspenders, people.)  Unfortunately, the criminal is wedged between the hostages, and there’s a computer monitor in the sniper’s line of fire.

But a computer monitor, for that sniper, is just like the truth for a leftist. 

Irrelevant.   

So when the bad guy puts the knife against his female hostage’s throat, the sniper puts a round through the computer monitor.  And then, microseconds later, through the bad guy’s forehead, just above and between his eyes. 

Annnndddd… down goes bad guy!  Down goes bad guy!

Weirdly, the computer still had a functioning blue screen… with a neat bullet hole in the middle of it. 

Florida gave the sniper an award for that shot – see the “least-f**king-around state” comment above – and the hostages were unharmed.

Still, the bank robber did lose his life.  So we should all probably say a prayer…

for the computer monitor.

Hamas delenda est!

My Week in Tennessee, & Good News From Other Nations (posted 6/17/24)

As you read this, I am on my way back home, after a great visit with my mom.  (To see a pic that captures her essence, see the main page of this site, where she is wearing a party hat and laughing, and I am wearing a stylish turkey hat, even though it’s not Thanksgiving.)

We drove many hundreds of miles on tiny, winding roads through the beautiful, gently rolling landscape of south central Tennessee, and ate at a bunch of small-town diners. 

We saw the burial site of Meriwether Lewis (we could use more guys like him today) on the Natchez Trace Parkway, tried to chew two of the hardest gumballs in Christendom that came out of a machine in a county courthouse in Pulaski, and drove through many tunnels of trees on roads that made me wish I still had a motorcycle.

It was sunny every day, but we didn’t do much walking, because it was hotter than Florida. Seriously, it was in the mid-90s every day.  It’s almost enough to make me think that Al Gore was right about global warming. 

But then I remember that that guy couldn’t pick the winner of a one-horse race, and he couldn’t tell the truth to save his life.  And he’s no more a scientist than Lizzie Warren is a Cherokee.  (#youknowthething) (#neverstopneverstoppingmockingher)

One of the advantages of traveling with mom is that she doesn’t remember that I’d taken her to some of these places before.  She continually said, “I’ve never seen this place before; it’s really pretty.”  She was always right about the second part, and in a way, she was right about the first part, too.

I took along a Bluetooth speaker, and we listened to a lot of George Jones, who was always her favorite.  She remembered that he had a problem with alcohol, and asked how he was doing with that, and I had to break it to her that he died ten years ago.  He made it to 81, but when she asked me if he died because of booze, I told her that it probably didn’t help.

And yes, the next song of his that came up in the rotation was “If Drinkin’ Don’t Kill Me.”

We got to laughing, and I told her that she was probably only still around because she laid off the sauce when she turned 70.  (She’s a sweet little Baptist in good standing, and has never taken a drink, as far as I know.)   

We did a lot of wandering, and I had to constantly reassure her that I knew where we were.  (Because of my phone’s GPS, I wasn’t really lying.)  We traveled such scenic lanes as Yokley Creek Road, Cathey’s Creek Road, and even Sheboss Road. Which, it turned out, was gravel.

All in all, we had a good time together.  She would lose track from time to time, but she was still the mom, and she asked me if we were lost and if we had enough gas, and told me when I was driving too fast. 

And because I’m still a juvenile at heart, I’d drive a little faster, and honk for no reason, and tell her that we were about to run out of gas and die of starvation on lonely Sheboss Road. 

Every time I saw rolls of hay in a field I’d point and loudly say, “Hay!”  And every time she’d fall for it, and call me a jerk, and then punch me in the shoulder and laugh like when she was young, and dad was still alive, and they were both amused and exasperated by their goofball son.

She’s already forgotten most of this, and I know we won’t have her with us much longer, but this week did my heart a lot of good.  And I hope that when she wakes up again after this life is over, she remembers this week as well as I do.

As you might guess, I’ve only caught bits and pieces of the news over the last 5 days.  But I did catch the WNBA story on the CO site about classless Angel Reese’s latest dirty play against Caitlin Clark.

It occurs to me that – after the three joyless Joys (Behar, Reid and Gray), and the angry Whoopi (Goldberg) and darkly malicious Sunny (Hostin) – we now have a new contender for most ironic name.

Because whatever else she is, Reese appears to be far from an Angel.

Following the good news from Israel I wrote about on Friday came the grim news of 8 IDF soldiers killed in a recent battle.  In a way, that bitter loss is another testament to Israel’s goodness, because those young men were only lost because of risks Israel is taking to minimize deaths among Gazan civilians. 

It’s a heartbreaking price to pay, and one that I think nobody has a right to ask for.  I hope that the Jewish state will ignore its critics – including those in the UN and here – and do whatever it needs to do to wipe out Hamas.

To end on a more positive note, I’d like to praise two other foreign leaders who are shining examples of what we need more of in our country: Argentina’s Javier Melei and Canada’s Pierre Poilevre. 

In only six months in office, Melei has brought an amazing amount of drastic and wildly successful changes to Argentina.  He has the most purely conservative agenda in this hemisphere, cutting government (he moved to eliminate 9 of 18 ministries on his first day in office) and deregulating the economy to an unprecedented extent. 

Recent stratospheric Argentinian inflation rates have dropped dramatically, and early results of his governance have been very positive.  He’s up against a long record of corruption and incompetence, and his ultimate success is far from certain.  But he’s acting boldly, and doing the right things.

And all while displaying a self-deprecating sense of humor, and rocking the sweetest mutton chops since the Civil War!    

Meanwhile, in Trudeau’s dysfunctional Canada (aka, America’s evil Top Hat),  Pierre Poilevre has been giving a master class on how to kick journalist arse and advance conservative policies that could turn that benighted polity around.    

Yes, he’s got a problematic name, a toxic mix of hard-to-pronounce and French, which needs to be changed forthwith.  I looked it up, and of course “Pierre” translates to “Peter,” and “Poilevre” translates to “rabbit pelt.”  So there’s no help in trying to Anglicize his name. Better to just start from scratch and pick out a strong, impressive moniker.

I suggest “Martin Reagan,” but I’m open to suggestions.

Anyway, he’s been handling the horrible Canadian MSM – unbelievably, apparently as terrible as our MSM – like a boss for a long time.  You probably remember his sarcastic dismemberment of an interviewer who insulted him about how critics say he’s too Trumpy, in which he called him on his bullSchiff and took him apart at the joints, all while eating an apple and without raising his voice.

Well I’ve seen a new excerpt in which he dismantles a different journalist (with a very suspicious French accent, if you ask me), who asks how he can disagree with Trudeau (who is definitely NOT Castro’s illegitimate son, so stop asking) and his plan to “create 5.8 million houses by 2031.”

P-squared starts by pointing out that, “I don’t disagree.  Math disagrees.”  And then he rattles off facts like they were paddles and Trudeau’s dishonest plan was AOC’s juicy booty.  (Her words, not mine.)

“Trudeau is already missing his target by more than 50%; the Canadian government spends more of their housing budget on government bureaucrats than on people who actually build the houses; in the last nine years, the average rent for a one-bedroom was $973, and now it’s $2000; 1/3 of  the cost of every newly built home in Ontario is government permits and taxes – that’s more than we spend on the labor to build the home.”

He summarizes: “Has [Trudeau] spent a lot of money on housing programs?  Yes! He’s spent $89 billion on housing affordability and the result is that housing costs have doubled.  The problem is that he’s putting money into bureaucracy.  Government bureaucrats don’t build homes. Private sector builders do.”

Then he ends with his plan, which is to incentivize municipalities and regional governments to cut red tape, government fees, and permits so that builders can actually build.  He would tie federal funding in each area to the number of houses built, instead of to how many government bureaucrats they hire and support. 

And everyone who has been longing for common sense conservatism for years goes full Meg Ryan in the diner scene in “When Harry Met Sally.”

More, please.  And please God, let’s see some of that here in the States after November.

Hamas delenda est!

Hunter Convicted, Brihana Joy Gray Fired, Pro-Hamas Protestors are Inexplicably NOT Arrested at the White House (posted 6/12/24)

My posting today is a little later than usual because I’ve made the trek back up to Tennessee to spend a week with my mom, while my sister and her hubby take a vacation.  I was unable to bring my better half along, but Cassie the Wonder Dog is with me, and we’re going to savor the extra time with mom before she turns 86 next month.

She’s still hanging in there, and though the Alzheimers continues to take its slow toll, she’s still the world-class mom who raised my sister and I, and I’m going to make some more good memories with her this week, even if only one of us remembers them!

Speaking of slow erosion, how about the state of our nation, five months before the election?  

Everywhere I look there is more evidence that we don’t hate the media enough.

Exhibit A is Hunter’s conviction, which answered an intriguing rhetorical question: If you’re a Biden, exactly how guilty do you have to be in order for a Delaware jury to find you guilty?  The answer is breathtakingly, obviously guilty.

But you may have noticed that the MSM were immediately ready with a take on Hunter’s verdict that was so wrong that if the Olympics introduced a new triathlon combining point missing, false equivalence and mendacity, it would have easily won gold.

They painted Hunter as a victim, trivialized his gun charges while ignoring the even more serious, daddy-implicating crimes for which he wasn’t charged, and claimed that his conviction somehow proved that Trump is wrong to say that his own conviction was illegitimate.

Taking the last point first, the gulf between the two cases isn’t just apples and oranges, it’s artificial apples and real felonies.

If Trump’s disputed bookkeeping entries had been crimes (which they weren’t) they would have been misdemeanors, and the statute of limitations would have run out on them years ago.  But a corrupt DA and a corrupt judge used a tainted jury pool and even more tainted witnesses to magically create a raft of felonies out of air even thinner than Obama’s skin.

Conversely, Hunter flagrantly broke several gun laws.  And oddly enough, the same Dems who for 50 years have been screaming for tougher gun laws and enforcement now think we should let drug abusing gun nuts off with a slap on the wrist.  If they happen to be Bidens.

Even more oddly, the same establishment media who helped rig the last election by insisting that Hunter’s laptop was a Russian fake managed to ignore the biggest bombshell of the short trial: the FBI’s admission that it was Hunter’s all along.  

Exhibit B:  Ode to Joy

Last week the racist and antisemitic “journalist” Brihana Joy Gray finally got fired by leftist outfit The Hill, and like a thousand flowers in spring, the schadenfreude bloomed.  You probably don’t know who she is, because why would you? 

She’s the kind of charmer who spouts Hamas talking points and anti-American and anti-Semitic tropes (America is irredeemably racist, 9/11 happened partly because the US is too close to Israel, etc.).  So if you did know her, you’d think that since she’s an obnoxious, black female leftist, she must be un-fireable, right?

So did she.  In November of 2020 she tweeted, “Some people are so obviously mad that I can’t be fired.”

Then on 6/6/24… wait for it… she tweeted, “It finally happened. @thehill fired me.”

Immediately, the countdown to her trashing her ex-employer and playing the brave martyr card began.  3… 2… 1…  “There should be no doubt that The Hill, like every other corporate news media in America, suppresses speech.”

THERE it is!  Some meme-ster immediately dropped the hammer on her, posting a screen shot from a local news report.  At the top of the screen the words, “Quote From Man Stabbed.”  Below that, in quotation marks, “What are you gonna do, stab me?” 

The straw that broke the Jew-hater’s back came last week, when she was interviewing the sister of a young woman kidnapped and still being held by Hamas.  Gray kept trying to turn the interview toward criticizing the IDF and Netanyahu and Israel, while the woman kept turning the focus back to her poor sister.

As she made an impassioned plea for Gray to believe the Jewish women who have been abused by Hamas, Gray rolled her eyes and sighed with disgust, then cut her off abruptly.  “All right, thanks for joining.”

Stay classy, BJG! 

By the way, what is it with women named “Joy” being the most joyless humans on earth?  From Joy Behar to Joy Reid to Brihana Joy Gray, there is no joy amongst the Joys. 

Speaking of antisemitic freaks, did you see the pro-Hamas bigots launching an insurrection at the White House?  I remember when coup attempts like that would send hundreds of peaceful grandparents to jail pending trial for years at a time.  But apparently wearing a terrorist tablecloth on your head – you say Yasser, I say No Sir! – grants you immunity from treason charges.

The latest outrage took place on June 8th, when mobs of pro-terror loons surrounded the White House, threw smoke bombs and chanted hateful, non-rhyming chants.   Julio Rosas also reported from the scene that the protesters “formed a mob and chased U.S. Park Police and Secret Service out of Lafayette Square after officers apparently tried to arrest someone.” He noted that law enforcement was forced out of the park and retreated to “the boundaries of the protest.”

Which begs an obvious question: Are we all out of rubber bullets, belt-fed weapons and robot flamethrower dogs? 

Because I’ll bet those would work in this case, and I for one would pay handsomely to watch the Pay-Per-View of lightly toasted anti-semites fleeing for their lives, before being knocked to the ground, hit with fire extinguishers, and then cuffed and stuffed into windowless vans to take them to prison.

Also, one of the most prominent banners carried by the cowardly, masked Nazi-emulators featured a quote from “Al Qassam” (which means “Hamas” in terrorist),” Jihad of Victory or Martyrdom.” 

If that’s our choice, let’s go with Door #2. 

Hamas delenda est!

Biden Storms Normandy, Biden-flation Makes Fast Food a “Luxury,” WAPO Flounders & “Innocent Gazan Journalist” Holds Hostages (posted 6/10/24)

As a Christian, I feel like God communicates with me in many ways, such as through the Bible, and church services, and joyous moments with family and friends.  Even through his creation, as I was reminded of as we drove through some of the beautiful landscape of Colorado last week.

But He’s never spoken to me in an audible voice.

However, this last weekend He seemed to come pretty darn close.  And what did He say to me? 

“Hey Martin, do you believe that I can ever give you more targets for mockery than you can handle?”

To which I replied, “Well, I’m just a mortal man over here, and—”

“And a hilarious one, and one of My personal favorites.  And by the way, you’re welcome for the strength of 10 men, and the smoke-show of a wife, the two great daughters and the Wonder Dog, all of which I have graciously bestowed on you.”

What does one say to that?  “For which I can’t thank you enough. And thanks also for the gift of mockery, which so far has seemed sufficient to keep up with the stream of mockable targets—”

But He interrupted again.  “Hold my wine chalice, and watch this!” 

And a thundering Voice said, “Joe Biden at Normandy, Hunter Biden on trial, WAPO implodes, creepy anti-Semite Brihana Joy Gray fired by The Hill, the MSM scrambles to cover for Hamas, the Nashville trans-shooter’s writings leak out, the two best politicians on earth are a weird-looking Argentinian and a French-Canadian. Should I go on?”

And I was humbled.

So buckle up for another three-column week, because I am just as God made me, and I’m mocking as fast as I can!

To start with, I cannot confidently say that the President of the United States did NOT poop his pants at Normandy.  That’s where we are today, people.

Biden’s team sent him off to D-Day ceremonies hoping to get the kind of inspiring performance on the 80th anniversary that Reagan gave on the 40th.  Unfortunately, Reagan is dead, and so is Joe Biden.  So we got the usual shaky walking, and slurred talking, and lots of gaffes.

Sadly for the national Dems, they wanted the Gipper, and they got the Tripper.  And his power-hungry wife looked even more like a dead-horse-whipper.  (And Hunter got the stripper!) 

I’m here all week, people.  Try the veal.

As sad as it is to say, Biden’s rickety performance at Normandy at least temporarily distracted from some of his troubles at home.  It’s easy to forget, for example, that he’s in a legal tug-of-war over incriminating audio tapes.

I’m old enough to remember when Nixon was forced to turn over tapes of WH conversations.  (Well, not really.  I was alive then, but not paying attention to such boring events.)

Now Biden is doing something similar – fighting to withhold the audio tapes of his interview with Ben Hur – though he’s got a compliant and complicit justice system backing him up, so he has no fear of impeachment, despite having done much shadier things than Nixon ever did.

In defense of Biden, the transcripts of his interview are already out there, as they weren’t in Nixon’s case.  On the other hand, reading the words of a demented old man’s ramblings doesn’t have the same visceral impact as listening to them… which is why his taxidermists are fighting so hard to keep them from the public.

But it’s interesting how history repeats itself.  Nixon was finally doomed by the famous 18-minute gap in his tapes.  (Everyone assumed that he’d erased some damaging conversations.)  But you know that if you added up all of Biden’s silences – as he stared off into space, made multiple tortured attempts to think of a word or remember a point, or just sat like a zombie, before muttering “anyway…” – you’d have a hell of a lot longer silence than 18 minutes! 

In a sane world, a crack team of caregivers from Visiting Angels (sing it with me: “America’s choice in home care”) would have carted him away years ago, leaving Que Mala to step in and start sinking piers, alienating allies, destroying the budget, and generally blowing all opportunities for success like they were Willie Brown.

Too soon?  Okay. Withdrawn.

Speaking of corrupt politics, prosecutors just spent a week proving that in addition to being a dirtbag par excellence, Hunter Biden is undeniably guilty of some perjury and gun violations that carry penalties of more than a decade in prison.

So he’ll likely get the key to the city in DC, and have his child support debt to the ex-stripper further reduced.  It’s a good thing for him that Lady Justice has a blindfold on, because now she can’t even ID him in a lineup as the one who’s been groping and assaulting her.

From the “Unexpectedly” files comes this story from the late, great Golden State:  after only two months of Ken-Doll Newsom’s $20 an hour minimum wage law, CA’s fast-food restaurants have already cut 10,000 jobs!  For just one example, McDonalds has cut hours, raised prices and moved to more automation.

Say it with me, people: UNEXPECTEDLY!

Perhaps the most depressingly revealing fact is that in a recent survey, “78% of consumers say that fast food is now a ‘luxury’ purchase.”

Great job, leftist micro-managers!  You’ve turned your cities into third-world hellscapes, you’ve transformed one of our great actors into a hateful, raving old coot (I’m looking at you, DeNiro.  Yes, I’m looking at you.  Who else would I be looking at?), and you’ve taken the God-gifted natural paradise of California and made it Tijuana north.

And now you’ve managed to reduce the most prosperous population in the history of the world into a bunch of Dickensian orphans who can’t even afford a mediocre junk-food meal.  Well done!

Let’s close on a few happier notes, starting in Schadenfreude Corner:

You may remember recent stories about how the Washington Post has been in a shallow doom spiral lately, and now the doom curve is getting even steeper, and the crisis even more entertaining.  

New management came in last week and fired the Executive Editor Sally Buzbee.  The new CEO then had a meeting with the woke staffers to announce that he was bringing in three experienced guys (one of them from the Wall Street Journal) to try to turn things around.

Then he went through the paper’s dire situation, which most of them had to already be aware of, at least in general terms: revenues have cratered, web traffic is down by half in the last several years, and the paper lost $77 million last year alone. 

So naturally, the staffers recognized the crisis facing them, recommitted themselves to doing honest journalism, and vowed to do everything they could to return the paper to viability.

HA!  I kid because I love.

What they actually did … wait for it… was whine about diversity at the paper! 

Unexpectedly! 

They pointed out that Sally Buzbee had female genitalia, while there wasn’t even a single vagina amongst the four toxically male new big hires!  And also that many of the staffers who have been laid off as the paper began sinking beneath the waves were non-white, non-straight, sexually eccentric people of color! 

So obviously they all need to be re-hired and given raises, to be paid for out of the obscene profits the paper is absolutely not producing, because the whole rotten racket is going down like Que Mala at a promotion meeting with Willie Brown. 

Before the opposition can move to strike, I withdraw that hilarious yet inappropriate analogy.

But I’d be hard-pressed to make up a more damning indictment of the MSM than the scene of a CEO warning that the WAPO needs drastic, immediate changes to save it, and a bunch of coddled J-school malcontents threatening to call HR because they’re being triggered by the insufficient attention being paid to their DEI concerns.

Finally, we got some much-needed good news out of Israel this weekend, when the IDF’s brilliant raid freed four hostages from the clutches of Hamas. 

And of course we also got the very telling reactions from our national Dems and their co-religionist pro-Hamas protestors.  Everyone’s mad about the dozens – or hundreds, or no no, wait, THOUSANDS – of innocent Gazans killed during their rescue. 

Even numbskull Que Mala, after a muted, rote expression of happiness for the hostages, quickly assured the world that “we mourn all of the innocent lives that have been lost in Gaza, including those tragically killed today.”

Of course, they don’t mention that Hamas is responsible for kidnapping and holding the hostages in the first place.  Instead they focus on the damage to the Gazans among whom the hostages were hidden.

“They were unarmed civilians in their homes!” wail our MSM and leftist leadership.

To which I say, doing my fantastic Clint Eastwood impression from Unforgiven, “They should have armed themselves, if they were going to hold innocent hostages in their houses.”

Even more infuriating is that an evil Al-Jazeera “journalist” named Durka Durka Mohammed Jihad was holding three of the Israeli hostages in his own house!  (Actually, his name is Abdallah Aljamal.  But you say “Abdallah,” I say “Hamas.”  Let’s call the whole thing off.)

This story reminds us that we need to view all claims about the vast majority of “innocent civilians” in Gaza with a very wary eye.  Because reliable polling suggests that over 70% of residents support Hamas and celebrated October 7th.

And now we find that a “legitimate” “civilian” “journalist” – I’m about to run out of scare quotes – turns out to be a Hamas-supporting collaborator.  He used his home to hold innocent hostages, thus exposing his whole family and neighborhood to justified military action from the IDF.

And it turns out that several members of his family were reportedly killed, either because they were there in that legitimate military target of a home, or because they tried to prevent the rescue of the hostages.  Either way, they reaped what Hamas has sown.

And as to all of the Hamas terrorists and their sympathizers who died in the rescue raid, good! Wrap their bodies in pigskin and bury them in a garbage dump where IDF K-9 dogs – beautiful dogs!  kosher dogs! – go during training to relieve themselves.

Annnnndddd… I haven’t even gotten to half of the stories on my list.  So I’ll talk with you again on Wednesday.   

Hamas delenda est!

The Moral Confusions of the National Democrats (posted 6/5/24)

Today’s theme is moral inversion.

Not to be confused with cranial-rectal inversion, which is a common phenomenon on the left.  (See: “let’s defund the police so that crime will go down,” or “if a dude puts on a pair of ruby slippers and taps his heels together while saying, “I’m a girl,” he’s a girl.)

One example of moral inversion is the way national Democrats deal with the statute of limitations, which is the legal principle setting a time limit after a crime, during which charges must be brought.  It’s a reasonable rule, because as time goes by, evidence is lost, witnesses die and memories fade. 

Dems have provided several great examples of why a statute of limitations is necessary.  When the left wanted to stop Brett Kavanaugh from getting onto SCOTUS, activist/loon Christine Blasey Ford came forward to accuse him of raping her decades ago. 

Unfortunately for lovers of distorting the constitution, Ford was a little fuzzy on the details.  Details such as where it happened, and who else was there, and what town it was in, and what year it occurred. 

I’m not kidding.  She couldn’t remember the YEAR.  Which is all you needed to hear to know that she was full of (Adam) Schiff.  Because anyone who had any really bad experience in high school – never mind something as traumatic as being raped! – can tell you the year it happened. 

In fact, many people recall their teenage years mainly through the disasters: freshman year was when I broke my arm; sophomore year was when my folks got divorced and Beth broke up with me; junior year I totaled dad’s car and got chlamydia; senior year I voted for Bill Clinton.  Etc.

Of course, Kavanaugh wasn’t charged with a crime; the Dems were just trying to smear him to keep him off the court. 

But even though Ford turned out to be a lemon (ha!), the Dems were undeterred.  Last year the corrupt NY Dem party passed a law that temporarily got rid of the statue of limitations, specifically so that E. Jean Carrol ( I’m guessing that the “E” stands for either “eccentric” or “erratic”) – a fruitcake who makes Blasey Ford look almost high-functioning by comparison – could accuse Trump of sexually assaulting her almost 30 years ago.

Or maybe more than 30 years ago.  Because she too could not even pin down the year when the phony assault supposedly happened.  At one point she said that it was definitely a specific year in the 1990s because she remembers wearing a designer dress that came out that year.  Except that when someone looked it up, it turns out that the dress didn’t exist that year.  D’oh!

But never mind.  The Dems trashed the law, and got their false accusation turned into a civil conviction against Trump. 

And then last week, the Dems found a judge and DA so corrupt that they once again broke the law by charging Trump for mis-classifying business records – misdemeanors on which the statute ran out in 2019, if they had actually happened in the first place. 

But they zapped those dead charges back to life – much as they do with Joe Biden’s earthly remains before a public speech – and turned them into 34 transparently illegitimate felony convictions.

So the Dems are happy to trample the statute of limitations when it serves their purpose.  But how do they regard the statute when it can be useful to them?  As the most sacred of legal principles, of course.

Enter addict, dead-beat dad, and dead-brother’s-widow-jumper Hunter Biden.  Among his many apparent crimes are some serious actions of corruption and bribe-taking from foreign governments, most of which implicate his corrupt dad (and our current Cadaver-in-Chief).

Those crimes would be relatively easy to prove in court, partly because of the mountain of evidence against him, and partly because a jury would have to believe many patently unbelievable things to acquit him. 

Things such as that a shady Ukrainian energy company paid him $80K per month purely for his expertise in Ukrainian energy – even though he couldn’t find Ukraine on a map, and all he knows about energy is that snorting a bunch of cocaine off a hooker’s rump gives you A LOT of it.

“So Martin,” you are not asking, because you already know the answer, “when is Hunter’s devastating trial on those serious crimes going to start?  I thought he was only facing relatively paltry gun and tax evasion charges.”

You’re right, of course.  Because Merrick Garland – and say what you will about the Chinless Cartoon Turtle Mitch McConnell, but he kept that creep off SCOTUS! – Toobin-ed his way through the first three years of Biden’s term. 

And just when he got around to considering the slam-dunk case against Hunter, wouldn’t you know it?  That pesky statute of limitations had run out. 

To quote the mobster who whacked Joe Pesci in Goodfellas, reporting the news to DeNiro:  “That’s that.  And we couldn’t do nothing about it.” 

So when it’s one of their guys, they use the statute to evade the consequences of their crimes, and when it’s someone from the other side, they misuse the statute to convict on non-existent crimes.

THAT’s moral inversion.   

Media figures and “journalists” are especially skilled at moral inversion.  Stories about the rights of women and girls to be safe from disordered men using their showers and bathrooms are called stories about “trans rights.” Abortion is called “women’s health care.”  Jill Biden is called a “doctor.”

Another recent example – which also fits perfectly into my column category of “you don’t hate the media enough” – comes from Mannheim, where a cop was stabbed to death.  Two of the MSM headlines were as follows: “Officer dies after being repeatedly stabbed in attack at anti-Islam rally in Germany,” and “Officer Stabbed During Attack at Far-Right Rally Dies.”

Now if you had the miniscule IQ or the gullibility of an Ivy League grievance studies major – or of AOC, just to pick a random juicy booty (her words, not mine) out of a hat – you might jump to a conclusion.  You’d focus on the key words – Germany, Far-Right, anti-Islam rally, cop gets stabbed – and figure that the Germans were reverting to aggressive form, and menacing the adherents of the Religion of Peace™

But nope!  The stabber turned out to be a radical Muslim from Afghanistan.

UNEXPECTEDLY! 

Also, Yay, diversity!

Tragically, the deceased officer died largely because when some Germans jumped on the terrorist who had already stabbed people, the cop and others yanked the Germans off of the terrorist, to protect him. 

After which he turned on the cop – who was holding down an innocent German at the time – and fatally stabbed him in the back.     

Ugh. Rather than end on that dark note, I’ll give you one final example of moral inversion, along with an example of how to think clearly.

Before I left for Colorado, the Iranian president – a mass-murdering jihadi sadist named Ebrahim Raisi – died in a hilarious helicopter crash in the mountains, along with several of his weird-beard co-religionist co-conspirators. 

The guy was called “The Butcher of Tehran.”  And not because he cheerfully provided the kind of tomahawk pork chops and ribeye steaks which all good meat-eaters appreciate. 

So how did NBC describe him in the sub-head of their story on the crash?  As “a hard-line conservative cleric.”  Because of course they did.  Because they suck.

And how did the Biden administration respond?  By issuing a State Department statement offering its “official condolences” for the death. 

To see how a government official should actually respond to the much-deserved death of a smelly terrorist leader, I refer you to Trump’s announcement of the death of ISIS chief Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, whom our special forces – and military dogs! – raided and killed.

If you haven’t seen it before, you must watch Shane Gillis’ hilarious four-minute recounting of Trump’s epic, trash-talking speech that night.  The most famous line from it is that al-Baghdadi “died like a dog.”  But my favorite moment is one that Gillis highlights.

Trump acknowledged that Baghdadi likely had a suicide vest on, and talked about the way our special forces guys went in through a wall with a robot and military dogs.  “They used dogs… beautiful dogs.”

And then he mocked Baghdadi, praised our troops and our dogs, and then mocked Baghdadi some more.

THAT’s how you announce the death of a terrorist!   

On a related note, I can only hope that the IDF is deploying dogs in Rafah right now.

Beautiful, Jewish dogs.     

Hamas delenda est!