Tag: Politics

Our Colorado Trip, Trump’s Show Trial, and DeNiro’s Sad Decline (posted 6/3/24)

Let me start by saying that I’ll make this a three-column week, because I miss you all after having spent another week on the road, and not writing anything. 

We all had a great week in Colorado, and crammed a lot into it.  We set my daughter up in Boulder, and she was actually giddy about the natural beauty of the area, the much cooler temps and drier air, and the university, her roommates, and her mentoring professors. 

We left her there on Sunday, and then met up with my two cousins, and took a whirlwind tour of national parks and beautiful scenery.  We saw Pike’s Peak, the Great Sand Dunes, Royal Gorge, Canyon Lands, Mesa Verde and Arches.  We drove the Million Dollar Highway and saw the picturesque towns of Durango, Silverton, and Ouray. 

In Glenwood Springs we drank in the saloon beneath the room where Doc Holliday died, reportedly of TB, but possibly of Covid.  (He wasn’t vaccinated, and cute little guy Rachel Maddow tells me that that’s a death sentence.)

We didn’t have time to stop by Leadville.  Which was disappointing, because I was hoping to meet Kenny Koch’s brother Tim and his wife Vicki at their High Mountain Pies pizza place there.  Next time, I hope.

But I did get to see a cigar store Indian at one of the mountain towns we went through, which reminded me of Lizzie Warren, and that #wemustneverstopmockingher.

As I am on most vacations, I was pretty much cut off from the news, and in the day and a half I’ve been home, I’ve tried to get caught up. 

One odd thought occurred to me, as I skimmed through the coverage of the end of the Trump  show trial: in recent years I’ve often imagined going back in time and showing my younger self what has become of people I used to look up to and admire, especially those who have taken shockingly horrific turns in their lives.    

The all-time leader in that category is (of course) Bruce Jenner. 

If I could visit 14-year-old me in my small Illinois farm town in 1976 – as I sat in front of a Wheaties box with his picture on it, reading a Sports Illustrated account of his Olympic exploits – and try to explain “Caitlyn” Jenner today, I don’t know which one of us would be more discombobulated.

(Young Martin:  He cut off his WHAT?!  And he’s calling himself WHO?)

But last week, another former hero is giving Bruce a run for his money in the “how far have they fallen” derby: Robert DeNiro.

DeNiro has always been one of my favorite actors.  He was amazing in Godfather II, Raging Bull, and Goodfellas.  He was in some great, iconic scenes: playing Russian roulette with Walken in The Deer Hunter; his slow burn as a small-time hood before shooting Bridget Fonda in Jackie Brown; as Capone with the baseball bat in The Untouchables.  Even his under-rated comic turn with Charles Grodin in Midnight Run. 

I know that like so many other celebrities, he’s been an irrational lefty for a long time.  He’s engaged in obscenity-filled screeds about Trump at award ceremonies, and ranted ridiculous warnings about the hellscape that Trump would create if he ever becomes president. 

As if Trump was not the president in the recent past, during the least hell-scapey administration of the last 30 years.

But his disgraceful performance at the Trump trial is a further sad step on a downward spiral.  Jenner’s penectomy was less disgusting than DeNiro’s apparent lobotomy.  I can’t remember the last great movie he was in, or the last time he was great in a movie.  It’s all “Meet the Fockers” lately, and as the late Joe Biden used to say, “Not a joke.”

When I heard the news of Trump’s “conviction” on Thursday, it made me madder than I thought it would.  In view of all of the corruption and reversible errors during the trial, I thought that I’d been prepared for that verdict.

The case was ridiculous in the first place, and not moving it to a jurisdiction where you had some chance of finding a non-Trump-hating jury pool was a bad sign.  Then it came out that “Judge” Merchan’s daughter has raised millions for Dems, and he himself had donated three small amounts to Biden’s campaign and other leftist activist groups dedicated to stopping Trump. 

Then the trial starts, and the star witnesses are a porn star who admits she hates Trump, and will never pay the $500K a court has ordered her to pay him, and a convicted perjurer who admits to committing a much more serious robbery against Trump than Trump was charged with in this case.

The charges are misdemeanors on which the statute of limitations has run out, the predicate crime (necessary to allow revising the old misdemeanors) is not even named until the defense has closed (!), and Trump is not allowed to call a former head of the FEC who would testify that even the original misdemeanor charges are illegitimate because Trump didn’t violate campaign finance laws.

But I keep coming back to the judge.  I did a little research, and the guy earns over $200K per year and is worth an estimated $10 million, but when he decided to contribute to partisan leftist causes, he only ponied up a total of $35! 

The man sold out even the appearance of his professional objectivity for less than the price for one pair of the special shoes that Joe Biden has taken to wearing in an effort to keep him from face-planting every time he walks across the White House lawn! 

You can’t make this up.  Our opponents are cartoonishly corrupt, and I’m just praying that most voters are half as outraged by this travesty as I am.  Even though I was a DeSantis supporter, I have already been willing to crawl over broken glass to vote for Trump in November.

Now you could put that glass into a moat full of napalm and rabid piranhas and set the whole mess on fire, and it wouldn’t keep me from the ballot box.  All I have to do is think about Biden, Bragg, Cohen, Stormy, “Judge Merchan” and the whole rotten lot of them, and my mind immediately goes to DeNiro’s Capone when he found out that Elliot Ness had captured one of his shipments of booze. 

I paraphrase his great rant, hand gestures and all:

“I want you to find these guys and I want them DEAD!  I want their families DEAD! I want their houses burnt to the GROUND!  I want to go there in the middle of the night and p*ss on their ashes!”

I know.  It’s a movie.  And I’m not actually advocating violence.

But I would like to see all of those little Fockers get what they’ve got coming to them.

Biden Depresses College Grads, Germany isn’t Fond of Jews (again!), and Media Matters Fires “Journalists” (posted 5/24/24)

I just got home from our trip to New England last week, and now we’re flying out to Colorado tomorrow.  

As I mentioned in a past column, my youngest daughter is going to Boulder for a 10-week research program in astrophysics.  (She’s focusing on planet formation and other things I don’t understand, and if this summer goes well, she might be applying to CU for a PhD starting next August.) So my wife and I are using our little brainiac’s summer gig as an excuse to take her out and move her into her summer apartment, and then spend 5 days seeing various beautiful parts of God’s creation. 

The two cousins with whom I take regular road-trips are going to meet us in Boulder, and the three of us will be temporarily civilized by the presence of my better half. (Our adventures in the old Caddy convertible on Route 66 in 2021, circumnavigating Lake Michigan in 2022, and last year’s re-tracing the route our families took 90 years ago to migrate from Kentucky to Illinois  can all be found on Martinsimpsonwriting.com.)

I’m going to try to post from the road, but I can’t promise anything.  As usual, too much is going on, so I’ll hit a few things that crossed my radar this week.  

I’ve been simultaneously depressed and encouraged by the dumpster fire that Trump’s NYC prosecution has devolved into.  Depressed because the existence of these cases shows how corrupt our justice system has become, and because there are at least some low-info voters out there who vaguely believe that he must be guilty of some bad stuff if he’s facing so many charges and trials.

But it has been amazing to watch just how badly the trial has gone for Bragg’s bozos.  I can’t think of two worse prosecution witnesses than a porn star who can’t keep her mouth shut (but not in a good way), and an oily conman like Michael Cohen.

Stormy could offer no relevant testimony to the case at hand, and her appearance in the trial made plain the corruption of the wildly biased judge.  He should obviously have recused himself, if for no other reason than that his daughter runs a lefty consulting firm that has raised millions for Democrats, and her resume includes being “Director of Digital Persuasion” for Que Mala’s 2020 presidential campaign.  I swear I am not making that up.

Maybe it’s just me, but that sounds A LOT sleazier than Stormy’s resume, which boils down to “banging strangers on camera for cash.”  In fact, I think Stormy and the judge’s daughter have a lot in common. 

The daughter handled “digital persuasion” for a dingbat who slept her way into a career, and Stormy, though I have never seen any of her greatest hits, has a filmography that I’m willing to bet is replete with more than a few digits and a hell of a lot of persuasion.  (Not to mention a long line of Willie Brown types, even though they might be credited only as “Pizza Delivery Man 1” and “Horny Boss.”)  

And then Michael Cohen slithered into court, and he made Stormy Daniels look like Mother Theresa’s more pious sister.  The climax (you’ll pardon the expression) of his testimony was admitting that in addition to his other convictions for perjury, tax evasion and campaign finance violations, he also stole $60K from Trump! 

That’s larceny, and it is several standard deviations more serious than the (bogus) bookkeeping infractions that Trump is being prosecuted for.

Good job, NY judicial system.  You’ve all covered yourselves in glory!

Speaking of stomach-turning corruption and incompetence, who is the genius who invited our Cadaver in Chief to give a graduation speech at Morehouse? 

Even if the typical graduation address now begins with a morose land acknowledgment (“You should all feel guilty for throwing four years of frat parties on the sacred burial grounds once owned by the Ojibwas and the Indigenous Warrens…”) (#wemustneverstopmockingher), they usually quickly turn to a bunch of banal happy-talk.

“You graduates are the future.  Your education has prepared you to go out and blaze new trails.  The world is truly your oyster!”

But not the late Joe Biden.  He hollered his way through a Jeremiad that must have had half the graduates contemplating whether they could fashion their tassels into nooses and put themselves out of their misery.

“What is democracy, when black men are hunted for sport every day by MAGA-hat wearing gun nuts?  White people hate you, and America blows, and you’re all victims.  Now get out there and suffer, until things get so bad that you gladly accept the sweet release of death, probably at the hands of a lynch mob.”

I’m paraphrasing.  But only slightly.

Seriously, what kind of decision-process leads to inviting Joe Biden to inspire your graduates?  Were all the less-depressing speakers unavailable?  (“Well, the Unabomber and Dr. Jack Kevorkian are both dead, Paul Ehrlich is in his 90s and doesn’t travel, and Greta Thunberg wants too much money.  So I guess it’s Joe.”)

But lest you think our country has the stupidity market cornered, consider the Germans’ latest masterstroke. 

One of the most corrupt parts of the thoroughly corrupt UN – the competition is tough, what with terrorist and communist countries on various “human rights” commissions, and UNRWA funding and supporting Hamas – is the “International Criminal Court.”  (Insert your own “You misspelled ‘kangaroo’ jokes here.)

This sleazy convocation of hypocrites – we are thankfully not a member nation of the ICC, though I’m shocked Joey Gaffes didn’t sign an executive order making us join – pretend to adjudicate disputes and war crimes claims.  Yet they somehow don’t issue arrest warrants for the most evil dictators or terrorists in the world.

But now they are on the verge of issuing such warrants for Bibi Netanyahu and Israel’s defense minister, for the “crime” of fighting the terrorists who slaughtered their civilians and now hide behind civilians.  The ICC is set to issue the same kind of warrant for the Hamas top terrorist Yahoo Serious, too, which is obviously just a fig leaf to allow them to try to arrest the Israelis. 

(If they had wanted to issue an arrest warrant for the chief Hamashole, October 8th might have been a good time to do so.)

So a German spokesman for Chancellor Olaf  “Sergeant” Scholz (“I know NO-THING!”) has warned that his government will arrest Bibi if he enters Germany.  Every EU country has submitted themselves to the ICC, so they would presumably all arrest Israeli leaders.  (Which is reason enough for us to cut off all formal ties to the EU and the UN immediately, IMHO.)

It’s galling enough that the other European nations would agree to this.  (Though they do have a history of cooperating with the Germans, especially when it comes to identifying and turning over the Juden.) But Germany?  Where it has only recently become legal again to own a copy of Mein Kampf ?

Way to steer into that reputational skid, Germany! (Please tell me that this press release came out of Nuremberg!)

But let’s not end on a down note.  Because some good things are happening, too.

For example, even in Portland – where AOC would be close to the median IQ – the numbskull voters might finally have hit rock bottom, and made the first baby step toward digging out. 

For four years, they’ve had a Soros-funded (i.e. pro-crime) DA called Mike Schmidt, who was elected with 77% of the vote.  Once in office, he resolutely declined to prosecute BLM and Antifa thugs as they rioted and destroyed the quality of life in that town.

Unexpectedly!

But on Tuesday, the voters fired Schmidt, giving Nathan Vasquez a 17% margin of victory over him.  Vasquez is still a Dem (of course), but he’s promised to get tough on crime, and if he does, we should celebrate.  Soros poured a bunch of cash into Schmidt’s re-election campaign, and he lost big.

In a similar karmic beat-down, a bunch of angry leftist hacks at MMFA – “Media Matters For America,” though that “F” should really stand for something else – no longer work at Media Matters, having been laid off yesterday. 

When Elon bought Twitter/X, MM went on a slander campaign targeting his advertisers, falsely charging that he was posting racist material that would hurt their companies.  Elon is suing MM and is likely to win, and as their fortunes decline, they’re starting to cut employees.

Ironically, you can read their whining and wailing on… wait for it… X!  (HA!)

For example, one fired guy says, “Unfortunately, I have been impacted by the MM lay-offs… and am now open to any research/analyst roles, specifically regarding RWM narratives [I’m guessing that stands for “Rotten White Males?”] on DEI [ooh, I know this one: “Didn’t Earn It”], education, and LGBTQ+ issues.”

Another one, a guy named Alex who gives his pronouns under a picture of himself in some kind of pink feather boa, says, “I got laid off from MMFA today, proud of the 5 years of intense work I put into fighting right-wing hatred.”

Oh, you brave boy or girl, fighting the good fight against those nasty right-wing meanies!

If I weren’t such a classy, high-brow gentleman, I’d quote someone named “OneFineJay,” who posted a response to the list of whining ex-MM employees.

Oh, who am I kidding?  Let’s give OneFineJay the last word:

“MMFA layoffs?  #schadenboner”

Hamas delenda est!

Our New England Trip, plus Biden Agrees to Debate and Butker Kicks Butt at Graduation (posted 5/20/24)

I’m back from our trip to New England, and a good time was had by all.  We got to spend some time in Providence and Newport, RI, then in Cape Cod, and then in Amherst for my daughter’s graduation with a Master’s in Nursing.

The latter was a strange experience for an oldster like me, because she earned most of the degree online while working as a pediatric nurse in Denver, which doesn’t make sense to me.  (The last semester involved a practicum at another Denver hospital which has a relationship with U Mass.) So when we got to town on Thursday afternoon, we all saw the campus for the first time. 

We took some pics of my daughter and her husband in front of the College of Nursing building (which she’d never been in), and in front of other scenic spots on campus (which she’d never been to).

The next morning, as we arrived for the ceremony, I summoned up a fake tear and hugged my daughter, saying, “Where has the time gone?  It seems like just yesterday when we drove you to campus for the first time.”

Because I’m a dad, and we tell dad jokes.

I had hoped that while we were in Massachusetts we might run into Grandma Squanto Warren, so I could do the tomahawk chop and hop around in a circle in an extremely authentic rain dance that I’ve been working on, but no such luck.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)   

However, we did witness the next best thing, when the liberal white lady Dean of something or other started the graduation ceremony with a land acknowledgment.

If you’re lucky enough to not have experienced this leftist ritual, it’s when a very righteous liberal begins an event by paying lip service to the various indigenous people who once “owned” the land beneath the venue where the event is taking place.

It’s a quintessential lefty gesture, allowing them to stroke themselves and signal their virtue without actually doing anything substantive.  Because I’ve noticed that these “acknowledgements” never end with, “…and so, we’re hereby donating the campus, its multi-billion-dollar endowment, and my own personal mansion to the Hekawi tribe. 

“We hope this gesture makes up for the fact that our ancestors had smallpox and repeating rifles, while your ancestors were standing around with stone weapons and no immunity, like idiots.”      

This particular lady said, “We are gathered here today on land that has been taken from the Pequot, the Wampanoag, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.”  Or words to that effect.  I wasn’t paying very close attention after I realized what she was doing.

I must have had a certain look on my face though, because my wife put her hand on my knee and inflicted a five-fingernail death-grip that would have brought a lesser man to tears.  The look in her eyes said, “Don’t you dare boo, or make an arse of yourself.  Our in-laws are here.” 

So I leaned toward her, turned my head toward the big shot on stage, and so softly that only my wife could hear, said, “Boo!  Boo, you hypocritical white lady phony land-acknowledging beeyotch!  Boo!”

Because sometimes a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.  But I still need two functioning legs.

Anyway, it was a good trip, but it’s also good to be home.  And while I was gone, I missed most of the news.

Except that Joe Biden shocked me by offering to debate Trump twice.  I had been sure that he would never agree to a debate, on account of him presiding over an indefensibly terrible presidency, and also being deceased.

Pundits said that his taking the risky step – especially since Trump had given him an easy out by refusing to debate in the primaries – is a sign that the Biden team recognizes that he is losing.  Which sounds plausible.

But his embalmers were smart to insist on a set of conditions that will help him: debating on one of the corrupt, in-the-bag MSM outlets that will do everything they can to protect him; allowing no live audience who would cheer or laugh at Trump’s jokes, and gasp and flee when Biden trips over a sandbag or loses control of his bowels; keeping RFK Jr. out so that there will be no non-senile Democrat alternative on stage.

I think Trump had boxed himself into a corner by saying that he’d debate Biden anytime and anywhere, so he couldn’t then negotiate any conditions without looking hesitant.  But I hate to see us once again granting the ridiculously biased MSM control over yet another round of debates.  

But the thing I’m most annoyed by is letting Biden pick an unprecedentedly early debate in June, two months before the Dem convention. I’ve said it before: having Biden on the ticket is our best chance to win, and we need to do whatever we can to keep him there.  But if he does terribly in June, I expect the Dems to try to push him aside and sub in another candidate at their convention. 

My favorite political event of the week is the left’s outrage at Harrison Butker’s speech at Benedictine College’s graduation, because of what it tells us about them.

Over the last decade or more, the NFL’s top brass and woke media commentators have shown us that it takes a lot to make them mad.  NFL players can beat their girlfriends and be deadbeat fathers to children by baby-mamas all over the country, and the NFL can’t be bothered.  Mediocre, racist QBs like Kapernick can slander America, white folks and football fans, and he’s beloved on the left.

A sapphic soccer “star” can denigrate the country, straight folks and God – then play terribly and tear an ACL in a light breeze – and she’s still a media darling.  Obnoxious male narcissists can beat the tar out of female athletes and break female records, and the normally male-hating leftist establishment gushes over what brave “women” they are.

But Butker said a bunch of commonsense things – abortion is abortion, Pride Month is ridiculous, covid lockdowns were a mistake, DEI stinks – and a bunch of Catholic talk, at a Catholic school, to Catholics. 

And THAT is what finally made the left furious.

As a wise man once said, on his daughter’s first (and last) day at her alma mater, “Boo!  Boo, you hypocritical, phony beeyotches!  Boo!”

Hamas delenda est!

Schadenfreude, Painted Protestors & Sterile Mosquitoes (posted 5/10/24)

Let’s visit Schadenfreude Corner today.

First up we’ve got Andrew Dudum, the CEO of something called “Hims and Hers Health Inc.”  Last week, after watching pro-Hamas idiots defiling our campuses, Andrew thought he’d do a little virtue signaling online. 

So he released a public message saying, “If you’re currently protesting against the genocide (sic) of the Palestinian (sic) people & for your university’s divestment from Israel, keep going.  It’s working.  There are plenty of companies and CEOs eager to hire you, regardless of university discipline.”  He included a link to apply for a job with his company.

Annnnddddd… his stock dropped 8% and he reportedly lost $210 million.

Unexpectedly!

The next day another entrepreneur reported that when he logged on to Hims and Hers to cancel his order, the customer service queue was deluged with people doing the same. 

So the brave CEO did what smart leaders always do: posted a long, meandering non-apology apology.  I’ll just quote the first three sentences, because they establish the tone:

“The last few days have been a disheartening reflection of just how divisive a time we live in.”

Ah yes, those damned divisive times!  Breaking into your social media account and posting stupid comments encouraging anti-Semitic boneheads to keep protesting a genocide that doesn’t exist, on behalf of those who are quite philo-genocidal. What havoc will those divisive times cause next?

“I’d like to clarify a few things because my words have been misconstrued by some.”  Translation: I’d like to obfuscate the clear meaning of my earlier words, which have been accurately construed by people who know how to read.

“I in no way condone nor support acts or threats of violence, antisemitism, or intimidation …[blah blah blah].”

Got that?  He doesn’t condone or support all the bad stuff the Hamasniks have been doing on campus.

But he’ll gladly hire you if YOU do.    

This is a great reminder that we should all be pulling our support from companies who hate us and are working against our interests.  Bud Light was the best example, but we should also take advantage of the information these colleges are giving us.  

Now all of us know that we should never send our kids to any of the schools who have allowed these protests to drag on, negotiated with the protesters, and then gave them no consequences once they did arrest them.

If you’re hiring people, do extra vetting of anyone who graduated from any of these schools.  If you are donating to any of these schools, stop it.  If you are an alumni, contact them and let them know that you’ll never give them another dime, and that you’ll be bad mouthing them to anyone even considering donating or sending their kids there.

Along those lines, I was glad to see a story in the Free Beacon about a letter that 13 federal judges have sent to Columbia, announcing that none of them will be hiring any more Columbia law grads as law clerks, unless and until the school takes concrete steps to increase penalties on anti-Semitic faculty and students who illegally discriminate, and to support viewpoint diversity in the faculty and administration. 

Yes!  More please.

I had never heard of Andrew Dudum’s company, so I didn’t think I had ever bought any of his stuff.  But I looked it up, and found that he ships all kinds of medications that you can order online.  Their info specifically mentions ED meds.

Which makes sense.  And I now have greater respect for Dudum as a businessman.

Because if he’s trying to market to the low-T crowd whose idea of a mating ritual involves draping a terrorist tablecloth over your shoulders and screaming horrific Jew-hating poetry while surrounded by a herd of blocky gender-studies majors who believe in neither deodorant nor personal grooming, he has nailed his target demographic!

Plus it’s a win-win for him, because even if his customers’ downstairs plumbing worked well under normal conditions, a quad full of their female comrades would go a long way toward creating an erection-free zone, even for the healthiest among us. 

If I had to put myself in their Birkenstocks (and please don’t make me do that), I’d guess that I’d need a set of beer telescopes (beer goggles would not be strong enough) and a supply of little blue pills to buzz-saw my way through like Michael Moore with a comically over-sized bowl of M&Ms if I were to have any chance of surviving an encounter with any of those scowling harpies.

But we should also be doing the inverse of boycotting, i.e. buying stuff from companies who side with us.  Since all of the Hamasholes are pushing to have their schools divest from Israel, we should look for products made in Israel. 

Since I’m not Jewish, that’s a little tough for me.  I don’t wear a yarmulke, and never had a dreidel, but this is almost enough to get me to buy the latter. (And those cynics among you can just save your warnings about how Big Dreidel has been colluding with Big Torah to control the market in all kinds of Judaica.  I’m not buying it!) 

But I’m a fan of the second amendment, so perhaps I will check out a future Uzi or a Desert Eagle purchase.  Because Christmas (and Hanukkah) is coming.  And come to think of it, I would LOVE to have a mini Iron Dome over my house.

Man, I’ve already got a flamethrower, so if I pick up an Uzi and an Iron Dome, I will be ready for the future invasion of Florida by the zombified Biden voters who I assume will be heading here when their disastrous politics cause the final collapse of Chicago, NYC, Baltimore, Philly et al.

My favorite campus protestor story of the last several days comes to us from Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland.  A bunch of mouth-breathers there had painted pro-terror graffiti on a wall, and the school hired some painters to come in and paint over it.

Apparently the protestors heard about this, and a small group of them stood in front of the wall to prevent their hateful messages from being painted over.  It was a classic, “blue-collar vs worthless-d-bag” standoff.

Of course the best response would have been the timeless classic: deploy the flamethrower robot dogs!

But because no university administrators have the guts to implement some strategic thermal discipline, we had to settle for the second-best outcome: the blue-collar guys spray-painted right over the protestors!

Unfortunately, some accomplices gave the others plastic face shields just in time, so nobody ended up with a dramatic, culturally-appropriating white-face.  But they all received a nice coat of paint from head to toe.  I can only hope that the painters were using an epoxy, or at least an oil-based paint.    

I’ll close with yet another story of the great things happening at the University of Florida, where researchers have helped develop an innovative strategy for fighting mosquitos, which was recently pilot-tested in Los Angeles.  The strategy involves irradiating lab-raised mosquitos, and releasing tens of thousands of them into a targeted area.

According to the story, “These mosquitoes are all male and have been sterilized by the radiation, so the hope is that they will find wild female mates and impregnate them with dead-end sperm, rendering the resulting eggs worthless.”

And today’s column comes full circle, by applying the lessons we’ve learned from the pro-Hamas campus protests to the world of insects.  Because we are looking at the same basic story as that of the protestors and young leftists generally: lots of aggressive (and aggressively unpleasant) females, and lots of sterile males. 

Even before I read this story, when I watched video of the non-peaceful protestors disrupting schools and ruining graduations, I swear that the phrases “dead-end sperm” and “worthless eggs” spontaneously ran through my mind.    

Though to be fair to the sterile, irradiated male mosquitoes, they are probably not stupid enough to think that they can become female mosquitoes.  Or that Liz Warren is anything but a very, very white lady.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)  (also, #sterilemalemosquitoforMAsenator.) 

So at least the sterile male mosquitoes have that going for them.

Hamas delenda est!

Two Emblematic Pro-Hamas Protestors: Rich Kid & Slutsky (posted 5/6/24)

I’m sure everyone has just about had it up to here with the campus protest stories, and I feel your pain on that point.  But I caught a few details over the weekend that I’d missed, and I think they’re worth some comment.

First, I think it’s hilarious that the one moment of unity between the hateful pro-Hamas side and the pro-Israel/the West/America side came at the University of Alabama, when both sides came together to chant, “F**k Joe Biden!”  It was the kind of bipartisan reaching across the aisle that for a moment gave me hope that we all might get along.

Annnddd… it turns out that the Hamasholes are mad at Joe Biden because they think he’s not being submissive ENOUGH to the Jew-hating genocide enthusiasts in Gaza.

So I guess this is an example of that old folk saying, “even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while.”  Or, in the Arabic version from Gaza, “even a blind sheik finds a gay guy to toss off a roof once in a while.” 

It loses a little in translation though, doesn’t it?

Second, over the weekend I learned more about two of the protestors whom I think are emblematic of the problem we’re facing.

I was probably one of the last to learn that one of the violent Columbia protestors arrested after breaking into a campus building was James “Cody” Carlson, 40, a wealthy heir to an advertising fortune.  This guy is straight out of central casting, if you’re casting someone to play a leftist d-bag in a forthcoming straight-to-video Rob Reiner agitprop bomb.

In his late 20s, he got his first criminal charge (that we know of), when as part of a group of self-styled “anarchists” he was involved in a violent “protest.”  Though he was charged with a raft of felonies, including battering a cop and aggravated assault on a cop with a deadly weapon, those charges were dropped two years later.  (I’m guessing that daddy’s money had something to do with that.) 

He’s also got two kids, one with a “baby mama” who is a model.  I’m assuming that his ability to impregnate a model also had something to do with daddy’s money, an assumption backed up by what I think is dispositive evidence:

In his mug shot, he doesn’t look like a fella who normally has to fight off supermodels with both hands.  In fact, he’s got a SFPI (Simpson Face Punchability Index) of 86 out of 100. 

For comparison purposes, when I was in my mid 20s, with discernable abs and a firm jawline, I had an impressive SFPI of only 7, and yet surprisingly few models ever engineered elaborate schemes to trick me into impregnating them. On the rare occasions when that did happen – and I always managed to outwit the wily vixens – my friends never taunted me that the women were only after me because of my dad’s gas-company-heavy-equipment-operator’s money.   

Anyway, Carlson is also the kind of 40-year-old who has enough time on his hands to spend many weeks agitating at a college he has no connection to, and leading a bunch of gullible morons in various criminal acts.  In fact, his accomplishments so far in 2024 demonstrate his emotional maturity. 

In January he was one of the Jew-hating idiots who caused chaos in NYC by blocking traffic on several bridges.  Because he wasn’t run over by some heroic driver, he was still around in April, when he was at another protest, and this time grabbed an Israeli flag from a 22-year-old and hit him in the face with a rock, and then set the flag on fire. 

He should have ended up in an intensive care burn unit, in terrible pain and wrapped up like Imhotep Pelosi, but due to the inexplicable absence of NYPD flamethrower robot dogs, he was still roaming free when he broke into Hamilton Hall at Columbia.

The guy apparently got a law degree years ago, but his only connection to the law seems to be in finding various ways to break it.  As a Blaze story put it, “sources have stated that Carlson is a menace and an attorney by profession.”

A menace AND an attorney, you say?  Don’t tell Que Mala, but that makes for a Venn diagram with a hell of a lot of overlap in it!

His own family aren’t big fans, either.  When a NY Post reporter called his sister’s house, the woman who answered said, “We don’t talk to him.  Leave us alone.  He is out of our lives for so many years.”

I like the cut of her jib. 

After his arrest at Hamilton Hall, Carlson got five charges: burglary, reckless endangerment, criminal mischief, conspiracy, and criminal trespassing.  When he was put in a holding cell at the jail, he destroyed a camera there, and got another criminal mischief charge.  He was also later charged with a hate crime, assault and petit larceny for the April Israeli flag incident. 

All of which could be big trouble for him.  Except that he’s still got some of his daddy’s money left, and he’s in NYC, where only orange guys are pursued by “law enforcement,” such as it is.  Still, he is a rich white guy, so maybe his super-punchable face will earn some karmic attention.

I heard about the next protestor when she was being roundly mocked for demanding that the school provide food and water for the protestors.  The keffiyeh-wearing Columbia grad student in question ridiculously warned that if the school doesn’t give in to their demands, the protestors might be facing “[dying] of dehydration and starvation.”  

Her name is Johanna King-Slutzky, and she’s writing a dissertation for an English PhD (d’oh!) focused on interpreting poetry from 1760-1860 “through a Marxian lens.”  Which answers the age-old question, “How do I communicate that I’m totally unemployable without saying the words, ‘I’m totally unemployable’?”

Also, it’s probably just the lingering effect of the raunchy sex comedies of my youth – this was several years before I was fending off models drawn by the allure of my pop’s gas company cash – but when I hear that there’s a poetry professor named “Slutzky,” certain expectations are created.

Expectations that were completely dashed when Ms. King-Slutzky stepped before the cameras to warn about the impending starvation of the brave Groucho Marxians cosplaying their way through the Ivy league.   (Let’s just say that Van Halen would not make a “Hot For Teacher” video about this specific academic.)

But the most incomprehensible part of her story is a detail that I haven’t heard anybody comment on.  Everybody got some cheap laughs from her last name.  But that last name is hyphenated, which means that she could have just stuck with “King,” and made her husband/wife/your-guess-is-as-good-as-mine drop the “Slutzky.” 

But no.  She steered into the Slutzky skid.

And then she wrapped herself in a terrorist tablecloth and marched out to face the cameras, and earn herself a spot in the annals of self-satirizing woke imbeciles.

Well done, Columbia!   

Hamas delenda est!

Two Local Stories: How to Handle Protestors, & Foolish Criminals (posted 5/1/24)

Today I’ve got two quick stories for you, both from my hometown.  The first offers a case study in how to respond to law-breaking campus protestors, and the second one fits in two of my regular column categories: “Stupid Criminals” stories, and “You Don’t Hate the Media Enough” stories.

One of the many reasons that it’s great to be a Florida Gator is that our governing officials don’t suffer from CCRIS (Congenital Cranial-Rectal Inversion Syndrome), a condition tragically affecting many university administrations across the country.

(For your generous gift of only $10 per month, our team of dedicated, caring surgeons can give Claudine Gay and other Ivy League college administrators the desperately needed operations to remove their heads from their arses, before it’s too late.  Won’t you please think of the children?  The gullible, low-IQ, Jew-hating children?  Our operators are standing by.)

In recent weeks, as many universities spiraled into paroxysms of pro-Hamas idiocy, UF issued  clear guidelines delineating free speech on the one hand, and various forms of unacceptable and illegal a-holery on the other. 

Among the latter, they identified “protests inside buildings… blocking egress, camping, building structures,” and they warned that student violators would face “a 3-year trespass and suspension,” and that non-compliant employees “will be trespassed and separated from employment.”    

When 9 knuckleheads tested those rules a few days ago, they were all quickly arrested.  You can see pictures of them online, and they are exactly what you’d expect.  The breakdown: 3 males and 6 females; 5 are UF students; 2 have multiple hair colors not found in nature, and all 9 are absolutely un-“friend”-able, if you get my meaning.

All are charged with multiple misdemeanors, and one – Allen Frasheri – got an additional battery-on-an-officer charge for spitting on a cop.  (Rumors that he has been tested for rabies so that the officer doesn’t have to go through a preventative series of painful shots have not been confirmed.)  And surprise!  He was the president of a student chapter of the Young Democratic Socialists of America in 2022.

So I’d advise that officer to take the shots, just to be on the safe side.

My favorite part of the info about the protestors is that the UF students are listed as “expecting to graduate” in 2025 or 2026.  But given the three-year suspension mentioned above, I wouldn’t count on that now, kiddos!

After the arrests, UF spokesman Steve Orlando put out a statement that should be carved into a stone tablet and placed in front of the statues of the three UF Heisman trophy winners (Spurrier, Wuerffel and Tebow), so that parents who care about the important things in life can bring their children there, and train them well.

The statement began, “This is not complicated: The University of Florida is not a daycare, and we do not treat protesters like children — they knew the rules, they broke the rules, and they’ll face the consequences.”

Sweetness and light! 

Unlike at USC and many other schools, UF’s graduation is going to go on this Saturday, as scheduled.  NOT unexpectedly!

My second local story is very different. It involves the death of four black males between the ages of 14 and 16 in a terrible car crash two days ago.

Most media reports had headlines that varied only slightly from this one: “Four Teenage Boys Dead after High-Speed Chase with Florida Highway Patrol, Who Performed Pit Maneuver to Stop Them.”

Most of the stories concentrated on how young the boys were, and the fact that one was a football star at a local high school, before providing a few details.  A cop had initially pulled them over, but then they sped away, reaching speeds of over 100 mph, before a trooper intervened.  It’s not clear how fast they were going when he pitted them (i.e. bumped the rear of their car to one side, in order to make it spin out).  But the car ran into a cement pole, killing everyone inside.

If I were one to trust MSM crime stories, I would have been intrigued.  At first I might think that maybe they were speeding because they were late for Bible Study.  (I hate it when you get in there late, and you missed the first prayer and the reading of the Gospel text!)  But a few paragraphs in, the story mentioned that the SUV they were in had been reported stolen. 

So okay, they weren’t making great choices.  But still, I’m sure that at the tender age of 16, these were just dumb kids, out for a harmless joyride. 

Because who amongst us hasn’t driven a little too fast, and possibly slid our dad’s 1972 Gran Torino (white with a blue stripe, and that super-cool hood scoop on it) into a ditch off of a gravel road about half a mile north of El Paso, Illinois?

I mean, just speaking hypothetically, and not at all from personal experience.   

Anyway, I’m sure these high-spirited rascals were just—

What’s that?  Two of the four of them were wearing ankle monitors?  And at least some of them were wearing ski masks?  In Florida, on a 72-degree night, as one does?

Well, maybe they’ve got one of those really strict youth pastors, who makes you wear an ankle monitor if you’ve showed up late to at least two Bible Study sessions in the past.  Those guys can get pretty Old Testament with—

What?  Three of the four of them had active warrants?  C’mon, man!

What do you have to do to have active warrants and an ankle monitor when you’re 14 or 16 years old?!  And if someone in law enforcement is actually monitoring the ankle monitors, did they not find it strange that two of their ankle monitors were flying through east Gainesville at 110 miles per hour? 

It’s obviously a tragic story, if only because the kids were so young, and may have had the chance to overcome their CCRIS if they’d survived their stupidity for a little longer.

And even though I’ve never had a warrant – active or otherwise – and never needed an ankle monitor, I do know that a 1972 Torino’s speedometer goes up to 120 mph, and what it feels like to bury the needle on a two-lane Illinois country road.

Nothing but the grace of God can explain why most of us males are still here at all. 

And I wish those boys would have had fathers who put the fear of God in them before they ever got to the ankle-monitor and fleeing-in-a-stolen-car stage. 

Hamas delenda est!

I Get a Personal Flamethrower, & Disney and Newsom Continue to Blunder (posted 4/29/24

Everyone here knows that I am not one to brag. 

Sure, I may have mentioned in passing that my oldest daughter is busy saving the lives of children in a pediatric hospital, or that my youngest daughter is a budding astrophysicist whose mentoring professor just submitted an article with her on which she’s going to be first author.

And yes, if you held a gun to my head, I’d confess that when Sheila Jackson Lee once saw my wife, she said, “I thought that the sun was a powerful heat, but THIS woman is HOT!”  And that my Aussie shepherd Cassie (“the Wonder Dog” is an honorific, but I can’t really type her name without it) is the apotheosis of canine cool.

But yesterday I was able to check off another bucket list item. Because I am now the proud owner of a… wait for it…flamethrower!

No, tragically, it is not a flamethrowing robot dog.  (My wife somehow doesn’t agree that that would be the best $10,000 [with shipping] that we ever spent.  Because she’s apparently not the financial visionary that I am.) (See my Friday column at Martinsimpsonwriting.com for background.)

This is a small, personal flamethrower to be used for burning weeds or grass, among other things.  And by “other things,” I don’t mean pro-Hamas protestors’ tents, because in Florida, we don’t have any of those on our campuses.  Because we are not governed by terrorist sympathizers or sniveling cowards. 

But I do already have a few other “flame-thrower-target” ideas.  I’m going to see what happens if I turn her on the first “Co-exist” bumper sticker I see, and there’s a house a few blocks over with one of those, “In this house we believe… chromosomes don’t exist, etc.” yard signs that intrigue me…

If you have any suggestions about other possible uses for Sparky (yes, I’ve already given her a name, and yes, it’s a name that works for a personal flamethrower OR the electric chair that we used on Ted Bundy) (Because: Florida!), please leave them in the comments.

And yes, Sparky’s pronouns are she/her.  Because guys always think of their favorite physical possessions as female.  I refer you to sailors always calling their ships “her,” and to every Beach Boys song about a beloved car. (“She’s real fine, my 409.”  “She’s my little deuce coupe, you don’t know what I got.” Etc.)   

Not to mention the fact that when the Japanese fooled around with us at Pearl Harbor, they “found out” on the receiving end of a big ol’ fissile middle finger dropped from a plane that was named after the pilot’s mom, the Enola Gay.

And if by some freak coincidence, I should pass away in a flame-thrower-related accident this week (my wife is not totally discounting the possibility), I am asking here and now that the great and powerful CO will give my eulogy, at a service to which I trust you will all travel to attend.  

And the only requests I have are that “I’ll Fly Away” be played, that the flag at the CO Compound be flown at half-mast for a respectful interval, and that CO’s first sentence be, “The world without Martin Simpson is now a dark and dismal place, but we can all be comforted knowing that he died doing what he loved: throwing flames.”

Yes, I have been hitting the celebratory bourbon this evening, thanks for asking.  Because did I mention that today I received my own personal FLAMETHROWER!?

Now where was I? 

Oh yeah, Disney is still reeling after having been beaten like a rented mule by Ron DeSantis; campus protestors are continuing to illustrate their own idiocy AND the difference between how blue states and red states react to said idiocy; and Gavin Newsom continues to step on rakes.    

You’d think that Disney would be busily engaged in trying to win back their audience and staunch the flow of red ink they’ve been experiencing lately.  But nope!

Their latest blunder happened last month, when a family of four were staying at a Disney Resort at Disney World, and during a meal, paid an extra fee for a visit from a character, the Evil Queen from Snow White and the 7 Dwarves (currently Snow Brown, One Dwarf and Six Normally Proportioned People). 

And they did get an “evil queen,” sort of.  It was a dude in a costume and make-up! 

“This is some Bibbidi Bobbidi Bullschiff right here!” said the dad.

Well, I don’t know if he said that.  But he should have.  He did say that his whole family have been huge Disney fans before this.  He also said that he spent $8000 on his current trip.

Obviously the family were bait-and-switched.  It would be like paying to meet a living president at the Hall of Presidents, and getting the mortal remains of the late Joe Biden.  Or paying to meet Geronimo or Sitting Bull, and getting Grandma Squanto (#wemustneverstopmockingher).  Or paying to meet Universal Studio’s classic movie monster the Mummy, and getting Imhotep Pelosi.

Okay, that last one would be getting exactly what you paid for.  But I think the other examples make my point.

I can’t believe Disney is still pulling stuff like this, and I feel this guy’s pain.  But if this guy was going to drop $8K on entertainment, he could have just come up with another $2 large and got himself a FRD instead! (“Flamethrowing Robot Dog,” of course).

And then, if he’s ever confronted with a hulking dude in a robe and tiara, it’s Evil Queen versus Flamethrowing Robot Dog!  And that has pay-per-view written ALL over it!  C’mon, man.

Meanwhile, pro-Hamas asshats continue to illustrate why you should never send your kid to a college run by leftist wokesters.  On one campus after another, they continued to set up squatter camps and then virtue signal and “negotiate” with feckless administrators.

But I see several silver linings coming out of this mortifying debacle:

1.The GOP should be cutting ads of these idiots to run – interspersed with border chaos scenes – 24/7 in October and early November.  (Though I’ve got a feeling that we’ll already have plenty of great footage from the Dem convention in Chicago in August.  I’m going to have a 50-gallon drum of popcorn delivered to my house for that!)

2. The contrast we’re seeing between red state campuses and blue state ones are both educational and edifying.  Texas troopers immediately arresting lawbreakers on their campuses are just one example. 

At Florida State, 5 minutes after protestors started setting up tents on the quad, campus officials made them pack it up.  When protestors’ chants got boisterous, a number of university grounds people suddenly appeared on loud riding mowers to keep the campus tidy.  Then sprinklers mysteriously went off, dampening the brave freedom fighters.

One beta male protestor accused the school of intentionally trying to discourage them, saying, “Waah!  How am I going to impress my mouth-breathing simpleton friends, and maybe even get a chance at the most dispiriting, low-quality hippie-chick tail ever, with all of this lawn mowing and lawn watering going on?” (I’m paraphrasing, slightly.)

An unnamed university spokesman (and as of this moment, a hero of mine) said – and I swear I am not making this up – “Work on our grounds happens throughout the day.”

I’m not crying.  I’m just allergic to newly mown grass and moist Marxists.

My favorite visual of the week came from Emory U in Atlanta, where a bunch of Hamas-loving, cop-hating protestors set up an illegal encampment on campus.  After too many warnings, some Georgia state troopers descended on them with the wrath of an angry Old Testament God.

Or at least with the enthusiasm of a well-coached outside linebacker trying to make the first string at an SEC school!  You probably saw the video.  One particular moron tried to run away, a checkered terrorist tablecloth on his head.  (You say “keffiyeh,” I say “terrorist version of a MAGA hat.”) (Hat-tip to CO for that one!)

The dope was run down from behind by a trooper in full gear, including what I first thought was a looped length of rope on his belt, but later realized were just plastic zip ties.  (Man, if that had been rope, and the cop had dropped the perp and quickly hog-tied his legs with a rope, that would have been the most awesome trifecta of toxic masculinity – cop, football player and rodeo roper – ever!)

The cop demonstrated perfect form: knees bent, weight going forward, then the lowered shoulder and exploding through the tackle.  He even put his head to one side of the target right before impact, to avoid the 15-yard penalty for spearing!

I tell ya, those protestors were dropping like Moanin’ Megan Rapinoe walking into a particularly tall blade of grass!

More, please.

Finally, Gavin Newsom is back in the news, and for a hilarious reason.

(By the way, I realize that today’s column would make a good round on Family Feud: “Name three people or groups that Ron DeSantis has totally owned in the last year!  Survey says: Disney, pro-Hamas campus protestors, and Gavin Newsom.”)

Newsom got the brilliant idea of commissioning a $1 coin to honor innovation in the late great Golden state, and tweeted out a call for suggestions of what should appear on the coin.  And the people of the internet unleashed a torrent of swift kicks to the smooth, featureless groin of the Ken Doll.

Dozens of proposed designs featured some variation on the tent city: a single filthy tent surrounded by garbage; a few dozen tents with whacked-out meth heads lounging around; an endless vista of tents in the foreground, with the LA skyline in the background.

One suggestion featured a gas-station sign with innovatively high $6+ gas prices.  One proposed a wagon train of U-hauls heading east, while another contemplated how to indicate in an image the turning a budget surplus into a $73 billion dollar deficit in two years.        

But the leader in the clubhouse seems to be a glowing, golden image of the Golden Gate Bridge, one of its iconic towers partially obscured by a ginormous poop emoji. 

It’s a perfect image for California currency under Democrat rule: not a bitcoin, but a sh*tcoin. 

Well done, Gavin! Hamas delenda est!

Tossing a Speaker (?) and Biden Warns Israel not to Hit… Israel? (posted 4/22/24)

Okay, I’m going to risk some of the goodwill I’ve hopefully got banked here at the CO site by discussing an issue that is toxic on our side right now, and that will likely make many of you mad.  But if you’ll hang with me through the first part of the column, I’ve got a few stories to celebrate, too.

(You’ve heard the old cliché “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”  Today’s column is going to be medicine first, and a little bit of sugar afterwards.)   

To the medicine: I think it would be politically suicidal to try to oust Mike Johnson from the Speakership right now.

No, he’s not conservative enough for me.  Neither is Kevin McCarthy, or roughly 97% of Republican office holders. Or Donald Trump, for that matter.

So I not only empathize with those amongst us who were dissatisfied with McCarthy, and now with Johnson – I am one of those!  But at the same time, many on our side don’t seem to recognize the most basic political reality: we have 51% of one house of congress, and the Dems have the White House and the Senate.

It’s especially aggravating to read conservatives on other sites blasting Johnson for not closing our border, or saying, “We need to secure our border before we do anything else!”

If we were living on a planet where Mike Johnson had the ability to close our border, and he sided with the Dems and refused to do it, I’d be with those conservatives: “He’s a traitor, and should be run out of town!”

But we do not live on that planet.  And Mike Johnson – or Kevin McCarthy, Donald Trump, or even the great and powerful CO – can do absolutely nothing to close our border right now.  If Johnson pushed a “close the border” bill through the House it would win by one vote.  Then the Senate would toss it aside the way they did with the Mayorkas impeachment. 

But hey, we’re optimists, right?  What if it turned out that Fetterman’s recent brain damage was caused by a virus, and half the Senate caught it, and their recovery was super-fast, so that half of them became marginally sane, and they passed the Johnson border bill?

Then the earthly remains of Joe Biden would veto it, and we would accomplish nothing.

Having said that, I’d still like Johnson to push and pass such a bill, purely to gain some justified political advantage.  In general, I think we should force the Dems to take every unpopular vote we can, and then bludgeon them with those votes in November. 

(Pass an “at least prohibit abortion in the last trimester” bill, and a “don’t allow warped Munchausen parents to sexually mutilate their sexually confused kids” bill, and a “don’t release serial murderers so they can immediately murder again” bill.  And force the Dems to vote for aborting babies half-way down the birth canal, castrating kids, and facilitating the murder of more Americans.)  

But let’s not pretend that Johnson is fumbling away a non-existent potential victory.   

The latest exaggerated Breitbart headline I saw said that by garnering Dem votes for the Ukraine bill (along with 185 GOP votes, which aren’t mentioned), Johnson “has allowed the Dems to seize congress.” (I’m not discussing the wisdom of the Ukraine bill here, which I think has only gray options, and is all Biden’s fault.)

Really?  If that’s true, then by that standard, Matt Gaetz and his small band collaborated with the Dems to oust McCarthy, despite nearly all Republican votes.  And if MTG and another tiny group decide to toss Johnson out, they’ll be siding with the Dems again. 

But forget all that emotional sturm und drang.  Just out of Machiavellian self-interest, it is incredibly stupid and self-destructive to overthrow your own speaker when you have no one better to take his place!

Not only will it cause a ballistic circle jerk of Republicans shooting at each other, it will also turn off the independents who are desperately looking for an alternative to the late Joe Biden, and will make a loss in November more likely.  (Then everybody who hated McCarthy and Johnson can happily settle in to the final six months before the election under Speaker Jeffries, and total Dem control of congress and the WH!)

So what should we do?  1. If any Republican is speaker when the dust clears, we must immediately get rid of the new rule that a tiny number of GOP pols can overthrow a speaker.  If you can’t get a majority of your party to agree that a speaker has to go, suck it up. 

The Dems would never cripple themselves with such a rule, which is part of the reason that – despite having the most idiotic and dysfunctional agenda since the Trojans tugged that big horse within their city walls – they’ve managed to push through their terrible legislation with very thin margins in the house, while the GOP’s much more rational legislation has languished.

Seriously.  At any given moment, at least several dozen House Dems are not just opposed to their party leadership’s agenda, they are certifiably bat guano crazy.  Hank Johnson thinks Guam is in danger of capsizing, Sheila Jackson Lee thinks that the moon is made of gas and the sun is “a very strong heat” on which human life would be difficult.  (Just think of how much sun screen you’d have to use every single day you were living on the sun, people!)  The squad is a bunch of mouth-breathing anti-Semites, and etc. and etc. 

And yet Imhotep Pelosi was able to either whip her stupidest colleagues into line, or else ignore and marginalize them.  Even though her brains were pulled out of her skull through her nose when she was first mummified several millenia ago, she would never have been stupid enough to give a group of 3-5 of her most volatile members the chance to scuttle her agenda any time they got their burkas in a bunch.

2. Win the WH and Senate in November!   

3. Win a large enough majority in the House so that you can let your camera-hogging marginal characters (I think MTG, Boebert and Gaetz – and sadly for me, Massie – are amongst those, but your mileage may vary) say and do what they want, without the power of the whip hand to paralyze all action in the House.

Okay, if any of you are still with me, and aren’t already typing your comments (“Dear Jackass, You are neither hilarious nor a genius!  Good day sir!”), let’s move on to other news.  (By the way, the last video I made – it’s called “Buckley and CS Lewis on this election” – touches on similar issues, i.e. a call for us to have grace with each other and our imperfect leaders as we head into this election season.  You can see it at my website – Martinsimpsonwriting.com – under “Videos.”)

One bit of very good news came on Friday, when the Trump campaign and the RNC unveiled a “massive election integrity program, involving more than 100,000 volunteers and attorneys working in each battleground state, and overseeing voting and ballot handling and counting. 

Yes!  Many people have been begging for this sort of effort (I mentioned it in my March 8th column), and if it is as robust as it sounds, it might go a long way toward making up for the inexplicable decision to support Ronna Romney for at least two election cycles and 4 years too many!  My gut tells me that the single biggest threat to a Trump victory is the left possibly rigging the election and 2020-style ballot shenanigans, so this new effort is just what Dr. Simpson ordered.   

(Now if we can just get Trump to stop telling his base to NOT vote early or by mail!)

There’s even a bit of good news involving Joey Gaffes this week. He was feeling a little down because five times he had said, “Don’t!” as a stern warning for Iran not to attack Israel. 

Annnndddd… they attacked Israel with 320 drones and missiles. 

But he said, “Don’t!” one more time, this time directed at Israel, along with this admonishment: “Don’t move on Haifa.”  And to their great credit – and Biden’s relief – Israel took his advice and did not attack Haifa.

Which is… a city in Israel.  

(I think he might have meant “Rafah,” which is a terrorist-infested city in Gaza.  And which, come to think of it, sounds like the kind of burg that Biden would like to protect, since his ululating base voters in Dearborn MI are quite fond of those gang-raping jihadists in Rafah… and much less fond of the peace-loving Israelis in Haifa.)  

But hey, Biden called on the IDF not to hit their own cities, and they didn’t, and that’s the closest thing to a win Biden has had for a while.

Ooh, except that while his favorite uncle was definitely shot out of the sky and then eaten by cannibals, Joe has been unmolested by cannibals for all 124 years he’s been on this planet.

Rumors that the cannibals took one look at him and said, “Too stringy.  Plus that brain thing he’s got might be catching, like Mad Cow Disease,” have not been confirmed.  

Hamas delenda est!

Law and Order, Part 2 (posted 4/17/24)

On Monday I discussed some typical crimes in big blue cities: Dexter Reed earning himself a 21-gun-salute by shooting at Chicago cops; St. Louis mayor Tishaura the Terrible (move over, Ivan!) blaming store owners for being robbed by thugs she allows to roam free; and San Fran’s brilliant plan to force bankrupt businesses to continue operating, because shoplifters need to exercise their constitutional right to loot.

Today I’d like to talk about a different kind of crime, one involving two of my favorite things: stupid high-status criminals, and sweet, sweet schadenfreude.  And I’ve got two great examples.

The first one comes from Scotland, sadly enough.  I hate to say it, but the Scots are now giving the Scandinavians some stiff competition in the race to see who can make their ancestors roll over in their graves the fastest.

Just a scant 1000 years ago – when Imhotep Pelosi was a dewy ingenue celebrating her 700th birthday – Norsemen were legendary warriors, and the Scots were the hillbillies of Europe (in the best possible way), having forced the Romans to give up their incursions and build Hadrian’s Wall.

Today, too many descendants of Vikings are beta males who embrace the EU and take orders from the Hague, and the once-proud Scots are castigating themselves for being too white (in Scotland!) and adopting insulting “hate crimes” speech codes into law.

They’ve somehow wound up with a goofball named Humza Yousaf as First Minister.  (Because apparently somebody challenged them to find a minister more hateful than Louis Farrakhan and Jeremiah Wright, and they said, “Hold my haggis, and watch this!”)

Yousaf – yes, of Clan Yousaf, from the highlands – led the push to pass the “Hate Crime and Public Order Act,” which became law on April Fool’s Day, fittingly enough.  As with all such laws, it was passed on the promise that it would be used to stop hatred and bigotry, and never to quash free expression.

But as with all such laws everywhere, “hate speech” always boils down to “speech that those in power don’t like.”  As soon as I read about the law, I figured that it would likely be wielded as a weapon against whoever is the Scottish equivalent of people wearing MAGA hats.  (Maybe lads in William Wallace Windbreakers, or Don’t Tread on Me Kilts?)

(If those don’t exist yet, I’d like to copyright them right now.) 

And indeed, the law has gone terribly wrong, right out of the gate.  But what I didn’t anticipate – and what restores a little of my faith in the Scots – is in what schadenfreude-tastic ways it would go hilariously wrong!

In the first 48 hours after the law took effect, Scottish police were swamped with 4,000 official complaints!  Obviously, the cops have no time or resources to deal with this deluge of whining, as opposed to doing, you know, actual police work.  Instead, as a story in The Guardian put it (and that’s the last time you’ll see me citing that lefty rag with approval), “It has resulted in an almighty omnishambles.”

As a language nerd, I LOVE that phrase, and am determined to work it into future columns on a semi-regular basis.  (Ex: “The mob of Biden-voting looters began with some garden-variety tumultuous conduct, but then escalated to the point of creating an almighty omnishambles!”)

Many of the first 4000 complaints apparently dealt with J.K. Rowling (about which more in a minute), but another big chunk had to do with the malicious minister himself, Hamza Yousaf! 

Because it turns out that the Ham-ster went on a rant in 2020 about how racist Scotland is, citing as his evidence the vast majority of government positions that are held by whites. (In Scotland!) (Unexpectedly!)  

The culmination of his speech featured him spitting out “white” after each position’s title with visceral disgust.  (“The lord president, white!  The chief constable, white!  Every high court judge, white!”)

Since the hate crime law was passed to supposedly fight racial hatred, I love that the minute that the law took effect, many Scots trolled Hamza by aiming complaints at him for his own racial animus, hoisting him on his own petard.

I mentioned J.K. Rowling, who has now officially become a hero of mine.  She’s taken all sorts of abuse from the usual suspects for displaying the best kind of Scottish stubbornness on the issue of “transgender women” – who, as everyone knows, are dudes.

I hold her in similarly high regard as I hold my third-favorite African-American (after Clarence Thomas and Thomas Sowell): Elon Musk.  Both Musk and Rowling achieved great wealth, and could have continued to bask in public approval if they had just acquiesced to the elite censors and kept their mouths shut. 

We’ve all heard the cliché that someone is wealthy when she has “f**k you” money, but Adam Carolla has pointed out that REAL wealth is having “f**k me” money.  I.e. you can afford to lose $20 billion by overpaying for Twitter, just because you value free speech. 

Or you can afford to sacrifice the social capital represented by Harry Potter money by refusing to repeat the lie that men can be women.

When she heard about the new law, Rowling went before cameras and threw down the gauntlet, saying that she would never bend the knee and lie about gender, and daring Hamza and his army of woke bullies to charge her and jail her.

I’m not sure how many of the initial complaints filed about her were authentic whining from the leftist thought police, and how many of them were trolling from liberty-loving Scots, but either way, it worked out great.  Hamza’s government backpedaled furiously, putting out hapless spokes-weasels to insist that they would never apply the new law to people like Rowling or honest disagreements like hers.  (And all throughout the land, there were spit-takes of Scotch in every pub.)

I’m looking forward to watching the Scottish government squirm and suffer in the coming months, until they will hopefully be forced into an ignominious repeal of the law, just like Portlanders had to re-criminalize hard drugs, and Dem pols have had to scramble to re-fund the police.    

Speaking of spineless acquiescence to leftist bullies, it’s been maddening to watch one blue city after another allow pro-Hamas idiots to block major roads – the Golden Gate bridge, a major road leading to O’Hare in Chicago – while the cops are forced to stand by and let the madness go on.

That’s why counter-examples are so refreshing.  I probably don’t have to tell you that DeSantis sent in the cops and quickly dragged off and arrested a bunch of protestors in Florida last week.  (Man, I hope we can someday have that guy as our president!)

But you might not have heard of little Pomona college in CA, where a mob of pro-terror Hamas supporters were arrested after they took over a campus building on April 5th.  Nineteen of them were suspended and charged with crimes.  Sure, the charges are only misdemeanors, but for California, that’s a great start.    

As always with this kind of protest, their chants were pedestrian at best.  Along with the usual tired ones (“From the river to the sea…”), their only even half-decent one was, “Stop the killing, stop the slaughter, Gaza has no food or water.”  You’d think that such a large group of losers with no prospects for gainful employment and a lot of time on their hands could do better.

In fact, here’s one off the top of my head, just to challenge them: “We find Israel’s actions heinous, See? our thoughts come from our anus!” 

You’re welcome, keffiyeh-wearing morons! 

But the greatest recent example is the one you’ve probably already seen: Riddhi Patel, the toxic little firebrand who went on an epic rant aimed at the city council in Bakersfield.  After a slow start, she dialed it up to 11, and what she lacked in basic logic, she more than made up for in 180-proof bile.

By her second sentence, she had already achieved lift-off: “I don’t have faith that you will do this.  You guys are all horrible human beings, and Jesus probably would have killed you himself.”  

(Um.  I’m no Thomas Aquinas, but I think you may have missed a few of the subtleties of Jesus’ main idea there, Riddhi.)

Within a minute, she was up to, “I hope one day somebody brings a guillotine and kills all of you motherfrienders!”

For the toxic icing on her genocide cake, she expressed outrage that the council recently installed metal detectors and extra police.  “You guys want to criminalize us with metal detectors, we’ll see you at your house.  We’ll murder you!”

Got that?  “How dare you unfairly suggest that we might be dangerous in any way?  Just for that, we’re going to break into your houses and slaughter you!”

Well done! 

Miraculously, Riddhi was arrested right after her speech, and charged with 18 felony accounts involving threats to terrorize, and given a bail of $1 million!  When she appeared in court two days later, she was crying like a baby.

Three quick notes:  1. After watching her getting cuffed and hauled away, her fellow protestors “have since distanced themselves from Patel’s desire to kill.” I’ll bet they have!

2. Nearly all of her young fellow protestors were wearing covid masks. In April of 2024! (Virtue signaling has turned into “low IQ signaling.”)

3. The issue she was so outraged about was that the Bakersfield city council wouldn’t pass a resolution calling for a ceasefire in Gaza. 

As if the villains running Hamas would be sitting around a long table in their lair, planning their next mass murder, when a messenger enters with a note.  After reading it, the head terrorist would announce mournfully, “We were just about to gang rape more hippie chicks and burn more Jewish babies alive, but I’ve just learned that we’ve lost the Bakersfield city council!  That’s it, pack up the tents.  The jihad is over!”   

I see two kinds of protestors in these mobs.  First are the dead-eyed sociopaths who aren’t kidding around – they’d throw their “Queers for Palestine” co-losers off a rooftop in Gaza so fast it’d make your drag-queen tiara spin.  Thankfully, this type seems to be in the minority.

The majority are cosplaying narcissists like Riddhi.  And as we have seen in Bakersfield, Pomona, and Vanderbilt – and in most of the red states – they are cowards, and most fold and flee at the first sign of serious pushback.

If we had met her type with a little taser therapy, a set of cuffs and a night spent in a county jail starting with the first George Floyd riot, how much of the chaos and destruction of the last 4 years could have been avoided?

By the way, a California judge – citing among other things that Riddhi Patel doesn’t appear to own any firearms – has cut her bail in half.

D’oh!  This is why you can’t have nice things, California.  Hamas delenda est!

I See Dumb People Everywhere, Including Judges and WH Officials (posted 4/8/24)

Once again I’ve got an embarrassment of riches in terms of stories about people who are too shameless or stupid – or both (a condition which I call “the Schumer gambit”) – to be embarrassed when they should be.  

Let’s start where we almost always could: in New York.  Where District Court Judge Nicholas Garaufis (yes, his name can form two anagrams that somehow feel appropriate: “causal hiring oafs” and “fracas liaison ugh.”) is a notorious leftist in robes. 

Among his more prominent rulings were throwing out a non-racist firefighter exam because too many blacks and Hispanics failed it, and finding that DACA – a policy unilaterally created by hulking tough guy Janet Napolitano and later declared illegal by federal courts – is fine and dandy.

When I saw a headline about Garaufis saying, “Judge says FDNY firefighters booing Letitia James reveals systemic problem,” I was momentarily taken aback.  Could it be?  Could even a jerk like the oaf hirer admit that Letitia James’ biased and unprofessional performance as DA – which is more than deserving of lusty booing, if not thrown vegetables and a vigorous application of both tar and feathers – is evidence of a systemic problem?

Alas, no.  The systemic problem that Garaufis sees is that the firefighters booed a horrible boss that deserved to be booed… because…wait for it… racism! Of course.

We are facing a really serious dilemma in this country: what are we to do when a pathetically incompetent, biased, mean-spirited jackass gets into a powerful position and behaves terribly… and happens to be black?

Are we not allowed to point out that Kim Foxx has been a disaster in Chicago, or that Fani Willis and Nathan Wade are the most self-destructive couple since Thelma and Louise went off that cliff in the convertible?   Or that former Harvard president Claudine Gay is a plagiarizing, anti-Semitic mediocrity.  Or that Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Reid are racist nut jobs?

I mean, we can openly say that all red-heads are mortified that Jen “circle back” Psaki is one of them, and that all women with allegedly juicy booties are embarrassed to be associated in any way with AOC, and that Indian tribes from coast to coast are proud that Liz Warren is NOT one of them (#wemustneverstopmockingher)? 

But we can’t point out that Ketanji Brown Jackson doesn’t know what either a woman or the first amendment is? 

C’mon, man!  That’s a bunch of malarkey.  Not a joke.  Anyway…

But what can we expect of corrupt and dimwitted DAs and judges, when the best and brightest around the White House come up with the ideas reported last week in a Breitbart story titled, “Dem Strategists Gripe WH Not Pushing Back on Biden Frailty Concerns.” 

The story – which I cannot stress enough that I am not making up – featured various Dem apparatchiks expressing ire that Biden’s handlers aren’t doing enough to “counter the narrative” that Biden is too frail to be president for four more years.

Um, guys?  He’s too frail to be president for the LAST four years!

Brad Bannon says that Biden’s minions should do “everything they can” to dispute what everyone with functioning eyes sees every day.  An unnamed weasel agrees.  “If you have a president who is being portrayed as old and frail, why wouldn’t you punch back and show him active?”

Is that a serious rhetorical question?  He’s not “being portrayed” as old and frail – he IS super old and frighteningly frail!  And there aren’t enough CGI effects in all of Hollywood to “show him active.” 

The anonymous dope went on, and again, I swear I am not making this quote up: “Don’t just show a hyped-up Biden during the SOTU.  Show how active he is every f—ing day of the week.”

He wasn’t “hyped up” during the SOTU; he was doped up, you moron.  And do you remember how he laid face-down on the stage after he fell over a sandbag, and before a secret service guy picked him up?  THAT IS how active he is every f—king day of the week!

But the article got even worse.  Bannon suggested that the campaign should show Biden “lifting weights” and “on the treadmill.”  (Did I mention that I am not making this up?)

The guy couldn’t lift a paper clip at this point, let alone a weight.   And seriously.  You think his people should film him walking on a treadmill, a device which is slightly inclined, and moving!

Have you seen him try to walk across a perfectly level lawn, which is lying there perfectly still?  They’ve got him wearing those ridiculous waffle-soled shoes that are as big as a tennis-racket-style snowshoe, and he still manages to look like a Wallenda trying to make it across a thin tightrope stretched over the yawning mouth of an active volcano! 

My favorite quote is from a fitness expert “who has studied fitness through a social justice context.”  (Good lord! I’m not even going to ask what that means.)  This genius finds it “curious” that Biden has not shared more about his “exercise regimen” and his “workout routine.”

Words fail me.  Anybody who has watched Biden for five minutes knows that the only cardio he gets is when they put those paddles on him and shock his heart into re-starting, three to five times each week. 

One professor they quote manages to almost, just barely, tangentially get a glimpse of reality.  “It does occur to me that… [the Biden team] must take care not to produce a Dukakis-like image that people will poke fun at.”

Really?  That thought occurred to you, did it? 

You mean an image like Biden taking one step onto a moving treadmill and immediately being fired backwards into a wall, whereupon he’d explode in a crackling of dry bones and dust, with a fluttering cloud of hairplugs settling slowly onto the dessicated remains of his beef-jerky-looking carcass?   

After that story, this next one – the latest in my well-received “Stupid Criminals” series, doesn’t really seem that stupid.  Which tells you a lot about the quality of both our presidential advisers and our criminals.  (And that’s a Venn diagram that has more than a little overlap.)

Anyway, Jonathan Gagen (31) – proud owner of two pending aggravated battery charges – went to a stranger’s home in southern Illinois and tried to break in.  The homeowner met Gagen at the door, showing the criminal his gun and making “numerous requests for Gagen to leave.”

But Gagen – rumors that he “has studied B&E through a social justice context” have not yet been confirmed – ignored commands not to enter.  Instead, he told the homeowner that he would “have to shoot me,” and then opened the storm door.

Whereupon the homeowner shot him.

Unexpectedly!

Medical help arrived in time to confirm that Gagen had shuffled off this mortal coil. 

Rumors that his last words were, “Ouch! In retrospect, telling that guy with the gun that he was gonna have to shoot me wasn’t a good decision.  But at least it wasn’t as stupid as saying that Biden’s staff should try to set up a photo op with him on a treadmill,” have not been confirmed.

Okay, I’ll have another mid-week column on Wednesday, because a whiny kid got expelled from Vandy in the most hilarious way possible, and that’s too good to not celebrate.

In the meantime…

Hamas delenda est!