This is my third column of the week, and I’ll have one more on Friday, and attentive readers may notice that there has been one through-line in many of my recent ramblings: the left’s perplexing inability to choose the morally or even politically correct side in any conflict.
If there’s a clash between law breakers and law abiders, they’ll back the former. Give them an illegal immigrant over a legal one, a gang-banger over a choir-boy, and creepy dude in a dress over a schoolgirl trying to shower unmolested every time.
I don’t get it, but bless their hearts, they may never win another election if they keep this up. And wouldn’t that be grand?
Three quick examples from the last week:
1. Even a political neophyte knows that the Department of Education has made itself toxic. The lion’s share of all education decisions are made and money is spent on the state level, which is as it should be. The Ed Dept is crammed full of well-paid and insular educrats in DC, where the rotten 98% give the other 2% a bad reputation.
Since its founding in 1977, $1.4 trillion (!) has been spent on the Ed feds, and the proof of the pudding is in the gagging. As our education has become more expensive, student test scores have plummeted. Our students can somehow count all 57 of the 2 genders, but nothing else. They read few classics, and most of the history they “know” just isn’t so.
As the great Dennis Miller once noted, the fact that only one of the “Three Rs” actually starts with the letter “R” tells you everything you need to know.
Enter Grandma Squanto Warren, being asked for her reaction to Trump’s much needed culling of the Ed Department last Friday. A smart politician would have said something like, “I welcome any efforts to scrutinize the department, because it can definitely do a better job than it’s been doing. But Trump is taking the wrong approach blah blah blah.”
So what did Warren say? Watch the 45 second video of her quasi-teary, content-less mush of glittering generalities that never comes within a mile of the reality of the grift-apalooza that is the DC education establishment.
I haven’t seen a fake Indian that sad since the Italian-American actor with the stage name “Iron Eyes Cody” (his real name was something like Rocco Vincenzo Corleone) made those commercials crying over littering in the 1970s.
But what else would we expect from the empty headdress from Massachusetts? (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
My only disappointment was that she didn’t take the time to emote about her fond memories of the one-room school-tepee where she learned her ABCs (A- always, B- be, C- Cherokee) back on the wide-open prairies of Martha’s Vineyard. (#neverstop)
2. The latest example of the MSM ineptly trying to elicit sympathy for an illegal comes from Philly, where Virginia-Basora Gonzalez, 36, sobbed as ICE agents re-arrested her. If you google her name, I’ve got to give you a trigger warning on opening that picture without preparing yourself.
Because, yikes!
Some say that she looks like a bowling ball with eyes. She got picked up wearing sweats and a large shirt that… how can I put this?
You’re going to need a bigger bowling bag.
Okay, I apologize. I just did a thing that lefty “journalists” always do, and that drives me crazy, when I said that “some say” she looks like a bowling ball with eyes.
It’s me. I’m the one who says that. Because you look at her, and tell me that she’s not a Brunswick 16-pounder with an insanely long stretch between the thumb and finger-holes when you’re looking for a smooth-rolling 12-pounder on league night and you forgot your ball at home.
Before you can say anything, I know: I shouldn’t criticize anyone’s appearance, especially when I look like this. Sure, I’m not as bad as I was a week ago, when I was more poison ivy than man. But I’m still not the matinee idol that you’ve come to know and love over here, either.
Anyway, forget all that. I mock her only because she’s been criminally playing our system, in very familiar ways: first arrested in PA for 40 grams or more of fentanyl and aiding and abetting in June of 2019. (I don’t know what she was aiding and abetting, unless it was helping somebody bowl three perfect games in one night.)
After serving out part of a short sentence, she was deported back to the DR, only to illegally re-enter and get caught again last week. And yes, I know that my lefty pals will say that lots of Americans deal drugs too.
Yeah. We know. We’ve got plenty of our own drug dealers, which is just one reason why we don’t need to import more of them. Especially ones that, when you drop them in your backswing, they’re going to take out several people sitting behind the ball return.
3. To hear him tell it, Jessie Hoffman Jr. 46, is a peaceful man, deeply devoted to his Buddhist breathing and meditation rituals, and put upon by SCOTUS’ unwillingness to respect his religious beliefs.
But to hear me tell it, Hoffman is a worthless POS who – if Buddha were here right now, and not too rotund and apathetic to dish out a righteous beating – would dish out a righteous beating to Jessie Hoffman Jr.
(What is the sound of one hand clapping? I don’t know. But I do know that the sound of two hands in a blur of quick jabs using Jessie Hoffman’s stupid head like a speed bag is the sound of justice.)
What’s my beef with Jessie Hoffman, Jr., you might be asking? Just that in 1996, he kidnapped 28-year-old Mary Elliott, a young wife who had just gotten off work, forced her to withdraw $200 from an ATM, then drove her to a lonely spot in the country, terrorized her, raped her, and shot her in the head.
Last night, 29 years later – i.e. one year longer than Mary Elliott’s entire time on earth – the state of Louisiana finally executed Hoffman. It made the news because they used the novel method of administering nitrogen gas through a respirator mask until Hoffman died of nitrogen hypoxia.
On one hand, I’m all for the kind of federalism that means that all 50 states are free to experiment with various and sundry ways to kill the many vicious murderers and rapists who desperately need killing in these United States. So I appreciate this kind of outside-the-coffin thinking.
I might also note that we’re only trying new methods because an endless stream of morally disordered bleeding hearts have been kvetching over every existing execution method like a sociopathic Woody Allen. (I mean, a Woody Allen way more sociopathic than the actual Woody Allen.)
“Gas can make people choke, and nooses are really scratchy. Some gunshots are so loud they could give you a heart attack. And don’t get me started on electrocution! I once walked across some carpet in my stocking feet and touched a lamp, and I thought I’d die!”
State authorities chose nitrogen because it’s supposedly painless and humane. The murderer-sympathizers aren’t satisfied though, worrying that if the respirator mask isn’t fitted tightly enough around the vicious animal’s face, enough oxygen might seep in to prolong his death, or make him nauseous, or even cause him to choke on his own vomit.
I’m serious. That’s what keeps them up at night. The murdering rapist might die with a tummy ache, or go out like Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham and Bon Scott. (And those guys ROCKED!)
Too soon? Perhaps I’ve said too much.
Anyway, I cannot imagine caring if Jessie Hoffman was a little uncomfortable right before he died, only 29 years too late. In fact, if you told me that inhaling nitrogen caused the sensation of being kidnapped at gunpoint, driven to a lonely spot, stripped, raped and shot in the head execution style, the only other question I’d have is whether we could tweak the nitrogen mixture so that those same sensations would intensify, and last longer.
“So Martin, what was that Buddhist angle you mentioned earlier?” you might be asking. In which case I’d thank you, because I’d forgotten about that part.
One of cowardly rapist Jessie Hoffman Jr.’s reasons for appealing his death sentence was that the nitrogen would violate his religious freedom because – and I swear I’m not making this up – “nitrogen hypoxia would interfere with [his] Buddhist breathing and meditation during his final moments alive.”
Hey Jessie, you know what else interferes with breathing and meditation? [begin Kinison filter] BEING DRAGGED OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND SHOT IN THE HEAD BY A HEARTLESS, 0RECIDIVIST PIECE OF CRAP! OH! OOOHH!!! [end Kinison filter]
Tragically, Hoffman appears to have died painlessly.
But still, let’s all synchronize our watches, in anticipation of Melting Face Maxine Waters stepping up to a microphone to announce a protest to honor civil rights martyr Jessie Hoffman Jr., who was killed by the most white-supremacist of all elemental gases: Nitrogen.
In 3… 2… 1…
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 