Tag: romance

AOC’s Troubles, and a Rapper Learns a Valuable Fireworks Lesson (posted 7/8/25)

Okay, there’s no time for small talk.  It’s July 8th, and I’m somehow already two weeks behind on July stories, and that’s not to mention the stories I didn’t get to in June.  So here we go. 

AOC has had a rough couple of weeks.  Besides the big things going wrong – the BBB passing despite the fact that she and the other Dems in congress fell on the floor and kicked their feet and held their breath; the Iranian leadership failing to start WWIII after Trump pulled out the MOP (not gay slang) – she’s made some missteps that have hurt her own personal brand. 

She’s tied herself to Mamdani in his bid to become NYC’s worst-ever mayor.  (And DuhBlasio and David Dinkins were NYC mayors, so the bar has been set high.  Or should that be low?)  Aligning herself with an extremist train-wreck like Mandami is playing well with the dead-end leftists in NYC, but it will become a big liability if she eventually wants to run for president, God help us all.

The bad news is that Mamdani is a phony.  He’s a trust fund baby pretending to be a poor Third Worlder; he’s used more phony accents than Cankles McPantsuit and Que Mala combined; he’s claimed to be black to get affirmative action preference when both of his parents are Indian.  (Dot, not Warren.) (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

The worse news is that the things he’s NOT phony about are his worst beliefs.  He’s an authentic Jew-hater, and an authentic communist.  So…great.

But AOC has also done more to expose her own phoniness, too.  Just like Mandami, she’s long pretended to have a much more hard-scrabble, blue-collar background than she actually does.   Her motive is obvious – being from an intact, financially successful family and earning good money yourself is a huge handicap for Democrats.  Which tells you a lot about the dysfunctionality of the Democrat party.

AOC has always tried to portray herself as a tough Latina “Rosa from the block,” and she’s leaned into her Bronx roots nearly as hard as she’s leaned into the rolling “r” and “s” sounds of her exaggeratedly Spanish pronunciation of “Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.”   Unfortunately for her, the people who knew her in grade school and high school are only in their mid-30s, and were not all killed by either global warming, net neutrality, or Covid.  Also, high school yearbooks from 17 years ago exist.

So the truth is out there.  AOC lived in the Bronx until she was 5, after which her family moved to tony Yorktown, in suburban Westchester County.  And though records are murky, she apparently caught a case of “WASP nickname syndrome” that may have resulted in a subsequent “Ocasio-ectomy.”  Because in high school she was not a chola from the Bronx, but sweet little Sandy Cortez from the ‘burbs. 

Not that she didn’t have some hardships in her life.  Her dad was an architect who started his own firm, but he died from lung cancer when she was only 19, and her mom did work some blue-collar jobs.  So there are some sympathetic aspects to her life story, if only she didn’t exaggerate to give her some non-existent street cred.

For example, in 2018 she said, “My mom scrubbed toilets so I could live here and I grew up seeing how the zip code one is born in determines much of their opportunity.”  Except that her own story demonstrates the opposite, since her birth on the mean streets of the Bronx didn’t stop her family from moving to the suburbs before she started school.

Also, “the scrubbing toilets” reference is a nice rhetorical flourish, and sounds much more downtrodden and noble than “cleaning houses.”  I don’t want to be a one-upper, but as a landlord for the last 29 years, I’ve unclogged and snaked out more than my fair share of tenants’ toilets, and I know how to remove and re-set one with a new wax ring, too.    

And don’t get me started on that time I had to crawl underneath a house to extract a decomposing possum.  (Did only part of his body come with me when I pulled on his creepy tail?  Do I still re-live that PTSD-inducing experience – including hearing the sounds and smelling the smells – on nights when I can’t sleep?  I don’t want to talk about it.)

So I guess I could steer into that skid, and call myself Martino from the barrio, and whine about how Bruce Springsteen hasn’t written a working-class anthem about my heroic rise from flannel-shirt-wearing hillbilly to Dr. Hilarious Genius who wears a full tuxedo around the house most weekdays. 

But I have too much stoic dignity for that.

Anyway, AOC has been catching more heat for her fabulist tales of her rough teen years lately, as many Yorktown residents are posting messages saying, “You’re from here!” 

One such guy – who I am sure I would love to hang out with – is a retired FDNY firefighter from the Bronx who now lives near Yorktown.  He told a reporter, “You can tell right out of the gate that she isn’t from the Bronx.  Listen to her!  [Then] listen to us!  We’ve been out of the Bronx for years but we still sound like idiots!  It doesn’t just go away.” 

But so far, AOC has not been dissuaded.  She recently made things worse for herself when she tried to engage Trump in an insult battle.  To be fair, Trump started it, by referring to her as “one of the dumbest people in Congress,” which as a president he shouldn’t do. 

On the other hand…Fact Check: true. 

(In fact, the quote I’m about to share with you isn’t even the dumbest part of her tweet.  That was her accusation that his taking out the Iranian nukes was “betray[ing] the American people… by illegally bombing Iran and dragging us into war.”  Annnndddd…the “war” was over before she could spell-check and post her tweet.)

But AOC had to take a closing shot at Trump’s roots in Queens: “Also, I’m a Bronx girl.  You should know that we can eat Queens boys for breakfast.”

Now you may remember that Que Mala kept using the line, “I eat ‘No’ for breakfast!” until she was mocked out of it, on account of how stupid it sounds.  But you’ve got to give the Cackler this: at least it didn’t sound uncomfortably sexual.

Regular readers will know that I’m not up on gay slang.  And at my age, and after nearly four decades out of the dating game since I conned a Norwegian smoke-show goddess into becoming my smoke-show wife, I don’t even know much straight slang anymore.

But I know enough to recognize that a female boasting that she can eat Queens boys for breakfast is not coming across like she wants it to come across.  (Phrasing!)  Because here’s the bottom line (phrasing!):  If a guy from Queens is about to go on a date with a young lady from Yorktown, and he hears that she recently bragged about Yorktown gals being able to eat Queens boys for breakfast, he’s going to be…how can I put this?… NOT offended.

Perhaps I’ve said too much.  So let’s move on.

If you’re like me, you’ve been following rapper 4XTRA for years now.

What’s that?  You’ve never heard of him?  Really?  So you’ve never seen his “No Jumper” podcast, or heard any of his hit “songs,” such as “Gang Slide,” “Off the Bacc,” or “Who Imma Call?”  (I think that last one is a Sinatra cover.)       

Okay, let me fill you in.  He’s a large African-American fellow (unexpectedly) who is a rapper and “influencer” in LA.  He’s had a few run-ins with the law, but who hasn’t?  (I first met CO, Alan Paterson, and Jamie Galioto when we were all in the same cell block, and had to jump in and help Mark Teufel and Christopher Silber out of a jam.  My “thug life” knuckles didn’t tattoo themselves, people.) His last arrest came in April, only a few days after he’d gotten out after a previous arrest.

But he’s a patriotic guy, so naturally, he was excited about the Fourth last weekend.  He even recorded a short video for his fans, during which he was showing off a couple of impressive-looking M1000 fireworks.  In what I’m sure was just some light-hearted joking, he said he was going to use those against some of his rivals, in a 20-second video which featured around a hundred uses of the “N” word.  And I don’t mean “narwhal.” 

But let’s pretend for a minute that I do.

Saith 4X: “Imma ‘bout ta blow a narwhal up.  Friend all the narwhals…. I’m blowin’ a narwhal up!  See these, narwhal?  I’m throwin’ em in yo house.  I’m throwin’ em atchya, narwhal!” 

Annnndddd… a few hours later he blew two of his fingers off.  Unexpectedly!

Reports that his last words before the premature detonation were, “I AM bein’ careful!  Narwhal, please!  Hold my blunt and watch this, narwh—YOWCH!”  have not been confirmed.      

On the bright side, he can now use his influencer experience in a campaign to influence youngsters to not blow their fingers off with powerful fireworks.

On the downside, he is allegedly a member of the Rollin 40s Crips street gang.  I know even less about gang signs than I do about gay or straight slang, but I’m hoping for his sake that the gang signs for the Rollin 40s don’t involve the use of the two fingers he no longer has. 

Great.  I used over 1600 words, and I only got to two stories.  Just between you and me, I thought I’d knock AOC around (phrasing!) for 3-4 paragraphs – I’m way too immature to pass up that “eating Queens boys for breakfast” line – and then I’d be on to more stories. 

But I got on a roll, and Ocasio-ectomy popped into my head, and what’s a fella to do?  When God sends you a big wave and you’re on a verbal surfboard up on the crest, you ride that baby all the way into shore.

In other words, this looks like it might have to be a five-column week.   

Stay frosty, my narwhals.

Hamas delenda est!

Three Leftists Make Fools of Themselves (posted 3/31/25)

Before I get started today, I want to let everyone know that I’ve made another short video – this one on the topic of our crazies vs Democrat crazies — which I’ve posted on my website (Martinsimpsonwriting.com).  You can find it under “Videos” at the top of the screen.

It’s a little different than the ones I made before, and it contains several added features: a small portrait of Cassie the Wonder Dog; a chance to see my scraggly poison ivy beard before I shave it off, and a very brief cameo from the late great Sam Kinison.  So check it out if you’re so inclined, and let me know what you think.

On to the usual political malarky. 

I’ve still got a column on immigration on tap, but I couldn’t miss the chance to mock a few of our leftist antagonists before posting that one… starting with the Good-Year Governor of my old home state of Illinois, J.B. Pritzker.

He gave a speech last week at the lefty thinktank Center for American Progress, in DC.  (He kept calling them “CAP,” and I’m sure that I’m not the only one who keep instinctively adding an understood “dunce” before the CAP.) 

He wants to waddle for president in 2028 – which would be easier for him if he wasn’t running Illinois into the ground – and his 20-minute speech and subsequent Q&A was an early step down that road.  I’d like to tell you that I watched the whole presentation, but even my prodigious will power is not inexhaustible.

But I watched most of it, and that was enough to conclude that he’s no worse than most national Democrats right now.  (You can find that description beside “damning with faint praise” in a dictionary of common sayings.)  He can speak in complete sentences, but only if they are filled with a combination of banalities and fashionable progressive lies.

He attacked Elon as a wealthy oligarch, apparently forgetting that he inherited his own billions from mommy and daddy, and used a portion of that wealth to buy a governor’s seat.  He also attacked Trump because he heartlessly withheld masks and ventilators which would have saved the lives of many people in the early days of covid, purely because Trump “[sees] people’s lives [as] a game.”

Which would have been a great point, if we didn’t already know that Trump didn’t do that, and that masks and ventilators didn’t save people’s lives any more than draconian Democrat lockdowns did.  Beyond that, Pritzker offers only glittering generalities, and dishonest insults of conservatives.

The presentation was billed as, “Pritzker Drops the Hammer on Trump and Musk for ‘Cruel and Incompetent Recklessness.’” I couldn’t help thinking that “Cruel and Incompetent Recklessness” would be a great campaign slogan for what the Dems have done to Chicago and Illinois over these last several decades. 

And I think Pritzker would do a lot better for himself if he tried dropping a fork and spoon for a change, instead of a hammer.

Speaking of dropping a hammer, I came across a social media post by Tim Miller – a former RINO and current weasel who writes for the never-Trumper site The Bulwark – which quickly resulted in him being hammered from all sides.

Miller captioned a link to Musk’s DOGE interview with Bret Baier, this way: “Prepare to be lectured to by a guy who has never pleased a woman.”

Which is doubly rich, considering that Musk has about 114 children (which presumably means that he’s pleasured at least a woman or two in time), and that Tim Miller is not exactly the kind of fella whose entry into a room results in a wave of panties automatically dropping.  And that’s before you take into account that Miller is gay. 

A more skeptical guy might ask how Miller even has the chutzpah to opine on what it takes to please a woman in the first place.  But not me.  Because I can easily imagine Miller walking toward a group of women, who all look at him and think, “Oh boy.  What’s it going to take to get rid of this creep?”

But then one of them whispers to the others, “That’s Tim Miller.  And he’s super gay.”

And just like that, all of the women in the group are pleased that he won’t be hitting on them.  So good job, Tim.  Because just by being gay, I’m sure that you’ve pleased way more than your share of women.

My favorite story of the last week was NPR’s CEO Katherine Maher testifying in front of a House committee.  Maher is a standard-issue AWFL, and exactly who you’d expect to be the CEO of NPR. Or PBS.  Or some crooked leftist NGO.

She had to face the worst situation a public official can endure: being questioned by competent people who have the facts at their disposal, when you have left an obvious paper trail proving that you are clearly guilty of everything they’re about to expose you on. 

Unfortunately for her, she doesn’t seem to have been sharp enough to realize any of that.  After posting endless tweets about her super-white New England upbringing, and how she’s woke enough to condemn her northern neighbors for their complicity in the slave trade centuries ago, I couldn’t help but think of another New England tradition: putting bad actors in a pillory in the town square. 

But this was even better.  Because it was like they locked her head and hands in place, and then GOP officials started paddling her, while the angry crowd threw rotten fruit and vegetables at her head.

Her testimony had it all, including ridiculous assertions, unconvincing confessions, and bald-faced lies.

When asked why she’d called Trump a “deranged racist sociopath,” she said that she regretted her words today.  I’ll bet she does, after November 6th!

Brandon Gill went to work on her, and it was beautiful to watch.  He asked whether she believes that “America believes in black plunder and white democracy,” which she had tweeted in reference to a book she loved called The Case for Reparations. 

Maher not only denied that she believed what she tweeted, she said she’d never read that book. Then Gill read her tweet, which said, “I appreciate the day off today to finally fully read The Case for Reparations.”

D’oh!

She also denied knowing of a book called “In Defense of Looting.”  Until…wait for it… Gill read the tweet she posting saying that she’d read that book.

When Gill asked her, “Do you think that white people should pay reparations?”

Finally, she gave a definitive answer.  “I have never said that, sir.”

And Gill brought the paddle down hard.  “Yes you did.  You said it in January 2020.  You tweeted, “Yes, the North, yes all of us, yes America.  Yes, our original collective sin and unpaid debt.  Yes, reparations.  Yes, on this day.”

Yikes.  That’s Harry-met-Sally level stuff.  Except that none of us will have what she’s having!

She finally fell back to repeatedly saying that, “My views have evolved since then.”  And eye rolling could be heard throughout DC.  

Especially when she denied that NPR is politically biased.  Which was followed immediately by Jim Jordan pointing out that in the DC area, editorial positions at NPR have 87 registered Democrats and zero Republicans.  Ms. Maher was shocked – Shocked! – to hear that.

As much fun as it was to watch Maher getting hoist on her own petard, the larger issue is that NPR and PBS should obviously be defunded, for many reasons. 

First, even if it wasn’t obviously politically biased, there is no reason to force Americans to support government tv and radio channels.  There are tv channels for every interest under the sun, from cooking to travel to Korean soccer to fishing to game shows.  And PBS’s worthwhile shows – my wife watches Antiques Roadshow, and we both like Rick Steve’s travel stuff – would be snapped up and shown on regular, free-market channels. 

Second, they are obviously biased, and that’s doubly insulting in a country that is politically divided.

Third, it’s typical of the totalitarian streak on the left that they would expect us to pay for their propaganda.  Conservatives are glad that our right to own guns is in the constitution, but we’d never expect that American lefties should be forced to buy our guns for us.  And we appreciate conservative outlets like Fox and the Daily Wire, but we’d never expect American lefties to have to pay for those.

But it’s not enough for lefties to pretend that their right to abort their children is in the constitution – they’ve got to force us to pay for those procedures, which we find morally repugnant.  

Similarly, it’s not enough for lefties to demand their own tv and radio networks.  We must be forced to pay for the whispering androgynous soy people to spread their soporific propaganda on our dime.

Finally, the one refrain you hear constantly from advocates for NPR and PBS is that government money makes up such a small part of their funding that it’s barely worth talking about. 

I think it’s time to treat them like Katherine Maher, and call their bluff.  Because if the taxpayer “contribution” is so small, I’m sure they’ll never miss it.

Hamas delenda est!

Poison Ivy and Good Political News (posted 3/14/25)

Before I get into today’s helping of good news, I have to share a brief story, and only because it comes with a moral.

For the last 10 days, I have been enduring a bout of poison ivy that would kill a lesser man, and drive many men to madness.  I received this affliction because I tried to do a good thing for my community. 

Our little neighborhood has a small and charming pond in it, and a few weeks ago, our neighbors called for a community “clean the pond” day.  We would have happily joined in, except that they scheduled it on a Sunday morning, and I was in church on Sunday morning, repenting of my vicious mockery of Democrats that you have all witnessed many times here in CO-ville.  Along with many other sins which are not important now, so tend to the log in your own eye and mind your business.

Anyway, when the clean-up was over the neighbors had piled limbs and pond fronds and other debris around the pond, and I took several truckloads of that stuff to our local dump.

But because I like to go above and beyond, and because my wife bought me a chain saw for Christmas – after 35 years of marriage, that woman really gets me – I offered to cut down two dead crape myrtles that were leaning precariously over the pond.  And apparently, concealing some of the most virulent poison ivy known to man.

Before I realized what was happening, I had scratched both of my forearms, one side of my neck, one cheek, and a spot a few inches below one eye.  And then the blisters and the maddening itch came, and after 5 days of what turned out to be totally inadequate doses of steroids, I am now on a much stronger regimen.

The facial outbreak has kept me from shaving for a week, so I’m rocking a scraggly hobo beard that only partly distracts your eyes from the angry red blistering.  And my forearms are tough to look at.  They would easily win a “Worst Forearms in a Leper Colony” contest.  And that description still doesn’t do them justice.

The closest I can come is, if Maxine Waters’ melting face was a pair of forearms…

Yes.  Exactly.

I told you there was a moral to this story, and there is: Never do good deeds for your community.

HA!  I kid.  The real moral is one of the offshoot benefits of an optimistic outlook: Having something taken away for a time makes you appreciate it much more than you otherwise would.

Growing up without money can make you appreciate hard work and thus getting a little money.  Being lonely for a time can make you appreciate finding a good friend or good spouse.  Being bullied can make you stronger and more empathetic, and inclined to intervene when others are bullied. 

And being sick for a little while makes you appreciate good health in ways that you never would otherwise.

For example, I normally have a regularly passable face and two normal forearms, none of which I’ve given much thought to.  But in a few weeks, when this hideous cup of disfiguring hives and scrofula has passed from me, I’m going to look in the mirror and wink at my suddenly handsome self, and then go out in public and look for an excuse to point to things in front of other people, just to show off my pristine forearms.    

Okay, now on to good political news: the Democrats are continuing to shoot themselves in the feet in various and sundry ways. 

For example, for a day or two, a succession of MSM talking heads tried to argue that Trump was hiding from or avoiding the press because he didn’t want to take questions about the stock market downturn.

Exhibit A was CNN’s Kaitlin Collins, who I find intriguing, mostly because of an odd, chameleon-like quality she has.  From some angles, she looks like an attractive woman, but then the camera moves slightly, and she’s got a mannish transgender thing going on. 

On Tuesday, she did a snarky little segment about Trump “keeping the press away.”  Which was ridiculous, as many commenters immediately pointed out, by way of giving the numbers of press questions answered in their first month in office by Obama and Biden (a little over 100 questions each), as compared to Trump’s… wait for it… 1006!

Then, within 30 minutes of her criticizing Trump for avoiding media, he took questions from the media for 30 minutes!  D’oh!

Speaking of biased media figures, there are a lot less of them still employed lately.  A partial list of the resigned or fired includes Joy Reid, Jim Acosta, Norah O’Donnell, Chuck Todd, Jonathan Capehart, Lester Holt, Chris Wallace and Andrea Mitchell.  In addition, the inaccurately biased polling outfit 538 has been shut down, and the entire NYT editorial board is out. 

Which reminds me of the old joke, “What do you call 1000 Hezbollah terrorists getting blown up by pagers?”  Answer: “A start!”

In a story I missed the other day, Rosie O’Donnell has deported herself to Ireland.  Which is great news for us, but a tough break for the Irish.  First the potato famine, then the Troubles, and now this!

Other Europeans are also coming to some well-deserved grief.  Recent stories came out that would shame many virtue-signaling Ukraine supporters, if they were capable of feeling shame.  Polls of 7 nations show that they all strongly think that Ukraine should receive more support – in numbers ranging from 52% up to 66%.  But the same polls also show that they think that THEIR COUNTRY should pony up support for Ukraine by much lower numbers, ranging from only 11% to 29%.  Hypocrites!

Reports also show that the Europeans who trumpet their support for Ukraine most loudly have also been giving more money to Putin – buying Russian natural gas and oil – than they’ve given in support to Ukraine.  Which is something that Trump warned them about 6 or 7 years ago, and they laughed in his face. 

My favorite example of those with delusionally high opinions of themselves is an Austrian economist named Gunther Fehlinger-Jahn.  Partly because of his ridiculous name.  “Gunther” is a perfect start, followed by what sounds like a hyphenated term for a German sex crime.  (“Und vat vere you doing when Gretchen accused you of fehling her jahn?”)

But mostly because he said this in an actual tweet that I swear I am not making up: “I call to confiscate all American military assets in Europe and hand it over to our emerging European Army in case of America leaving NATO.”

Oh, is that what you’re calling for, Gunther?  I’d love to see you try it. 

I picture a battalion of whiny Greta Thunbergs being whacked in the head with rifle butts by a battalion of Pete Hegseths. 

Meanwhile, in blue cities in America, Democrats continue to make bad choices.  While they actually have an opening to hit Trump over his ad-hoc-seeming tariffs and the falling stock market, they decide instead to focus their attention on… wait for it… defending Hamas supporting antisemites like Mahmoud Khalil, garden variety criminals, and illegal aliens.

Within the last two weeks, Boston Mayor Michelle Wu (as in “woo doggy, is she stupid!) has championed the latter two groups, in what looks like an ambitious campaign to single-handedly debunk the stereotype that Asians are all really smart.

On March second, one Lemark Jaramillo – 32, with a criminal record dating back to his high school days – chased two terrified people into a Boston restaurant with a knife.  Luckily, an off-duty Boston cop was there, and after Jaramillo wouldn’t follow orders to drop the knife, shot him.

I wouldn’t have thought it possible for anyone to say anything more idiotic than what his girlfriend, Jennifer Geddes, said after Jaramillo assumed room temperature. She said, “Lemark was a good guy.  He didn’t deserve this.”

A local story reported, “The two had been dating for a decade, and Geddes said he was loving and close to her children.”  

Then… wait for it…

One.  Sentence.  Layter…

“Geddes had however taken a restraining order out against Jaramillo in 2018 after he was charged with assaulting her…and pulling out a knife.” 

Because of course he did.

So how did Mayor Wu top that clueless statement?  By giving a press conference in which she said, “My condolences and all of our thoughts are with the family of the individual whose life has been lost.” 

Perfect.

Ten days later, in a Boston Public Radio interview, Wu blew off criticism that she has also been releasing criminals wanted by ICE, because ICE hasn’t presented her with completed warrants before she can release the miscreants back onto the streets. “ICE is choosing not to go and get these criminal warrants, [and then claiming] so and so was extremely dangerous and a threat to the community.”  

You had arrested them and were holding them in your jail, which we know you are generally loath to do, and ICE then identified them as wanted illegals.  But that wasn’t good enough for your tender sensibilities, so you released them, forcing ICE into the more dangerous situation of having to chase them down and arrest them in public.

But as grim as this story is, I’m an optimist, and can look on the bright side.  

Someday soon, my face and forearms will be returned to attractive good health.  But these Democrats will be self-beclowning, rake-stomping boneheads until the day they die. 

Hamas delenda est!

A Tale of Two Males (posted 4/12/24)

This first story happens in Indiana, a Midwestern state that is basically the Illinois I grew up in, before the Dems in Chicago and Springfield lost their minds and began committing a decades-long, first-degree wokicide on my much-loved home state. 

The scene was a Subway sandwich shop on March 22nd. 

The players: 

Daniel Saunders, 31, a bully and a crappy human (I’m judging by video of the incident). 

Un-named short, Hispanic-looking lady behind the counter. 

Gabriel Pitzulo, a twenty-something former wrestler with dreamy blue eyes.

(I’m just sayin’, ladies.  CO and I are taken, but if you’re single and looking for a good man, you might want to head to Indy and look up Gabriel P.)

As Gabriel came in to the shop, Saunders was screaming at the little Hispanic lady and throwing stuff at her from over the counter.  Then he turned and started to stalk out, with a cocky bounce to his step.  Because as everyone knows, the best proof that a guy is a real bad-arse is his ability to menace and intimidate a small Latina. 

Gabriel tackled Saunders, spinning his body to slam him onto the floor, and then pinning him and holding him until the cops arrived.  Saunders tried to fight back and free himself, but because Gabriel isn’t a diminutive lady and Saunders is a cowardly douche, that mostly meant whining and kicking his little feet. 

So if you’re scoring at home, Saunders was 1-0 against a tiny lady, and 0-1 against someone his own size and gender.    

Because this happened in Indiana – and not in NYC, CA, Chicago or any other Dem-run big city – Saunders was charged with some pretty nifty crimes, including battery, battery resulting in bodily injury, and a new favorite to me: “disorderly conduct-fighting/tumultuous conduct.”

I for one have not been able to work “tumultuous” into everyday conversations often enough, but from now on I’m going to try. 

The best part of this story is to read or listen to Gabriel’s account of the incident, and imagine a couple of leftists hearing it.  I picture soy lattes being dropped in horror, and man-buns spontaneously unraveling themselves in outrage.

In fact, allow me to present a dramatization of that scene, using Gabriel’s actual words:

Gabriel: “[When I came in, Saunders was] assaulting [the employee]… and throwing stuff.  I believe I saw him spit at her.  And how I was raised, man, you don’t do that stuff.  It was kind of ‘go time’ from there.”

Man-bun #1: “I know, right?  ‘Go time’ meaning ‘time to go to my safe space and call my therapist!’”

Gabriel: “She didn’t seem like she could defend herself.”

Man-bun #2: “What? Is he saying that a woman is different than a man?!”

Man-bun#1: “And how did he even know that she’s a woman?  What if she doesn’t identify as a woman?”   

Man-bun #2: “Yeah!  He could be guilty of mis-gendering they!”

Gabriel: “I did combat sports for a while, so I was completely controlling [him].”

Man-bun #1: “Eek! Toxic masculinity!” 

Man-bun #2 (with one hand over his eyes, peeking between his fingers in terror): “Hey, the other guy is a person of color!  This is a hate crime!”

Gabriel: “He was trying to bite me, and I didn’t want to punch him or anything.  I didn’t want to hurt him too bad.”

Man-bun #1: “’Too bad?!’  Why were you hurting him at all?”

Man-bun #2:  “He’s literally trying to keep a black man down!  Racist colonizer!”

Gabriel (after being called a hero by the store’s owner): “All glory to God, man.  He’s always protected me and put me in situations…that I can handle.”

Man-bun #1 (shocked silence):

Man-bun #2 (wide-eyed horror): “Did he…?”

Man-bun #1 (more shocked silence): 

Man-bun #2 (in a high-pitched squeal): “He’s a white Christian nationalist Christo-fascist!”

Man-bun #1 (vomiting on his Birkenstocks): “Blluuuu-ugh!”

And, scene.

From that story – and I must warn you that this transition may give you the bends – I take you to the tale of Jack Petocz, a gay narcissist who grew up in Florida and spent his high school years during Ron DeSantis’ first term as governor, and yet learned nothing from that enlightened time.

Jack was a young activist, starting when – at 15 – he was “irritated by a local school board member who was, in his opinion, ‘recklessly tweeting COVID misinformation.”  Because of course he was. 

(By the way, I’m betting that the offensive “misinformation” included wacky ideas like COVID starting in a Chicom lab, partially funded by Tony Fauxci, and that wearing masks and getting multiple pokes of a magic elixir would render you both immune and immortal.)

He started organizing protests for every bad cause he could find.  He held rallies protesting some schools’ attempts to keep child porn out of school libraries, and organized a state-wide school walk-out to protest RDS’ so-called “Don’t Say Gay” bill (which, ironically, never mentioned the word “gay”).  

On the day of that protest, despite having been told by the school principal to not distribute 200 gay pride flags, little Jacky… distributed 200 gay pride flags.  And then was suspended from school.

Unexpectedly!

This bit of ass-hattery got him an interview on NBC news, where he said, “Waaahh!  Bigotry! Sniffle.  Homophobia!  My feelings are hurt! How dare you?  Waaahh!” (I’m paraphrasing slightly.)

He was also given some sort of virtue-signaling narcissism award from Teen Vogue, and parlayed that into a visit to DC, where he took selfies with Chuck Schumer and Imhotep Pelosi, and also one sandwiched in between Joe Biden and Que Mala Harris.

By the way, if you go to the Breitbart story on this, you’ll see those pictures.  And as you look at his self-satisfied smirk – he looks like a less masculine Greta Thunberg – you will be seeing a SFPI (Simpson Face Punchability Index) score of 98.  So you’ve been warned.  

Fast forward to late March, and Petocz is now a student at Vanderbilt.  (Because of course he is.) And he helped lead the pro-Hamas protest that involving a bunch of brats pushing their way into the chancellor’s office and conducting an obnoxious “sit-in.”  (Because of course he did.)

If you watched the entire video of that preening cosplay production, you’ve got a stronger gag reflex than I do.  But even watching a few minutes of it provided a perfect synopsis of everything that’s wrong with entitled adolescent social justice warriors.

A bunch of liberal white kids whose mommies and daddies are paying almost six figures per year for their “education” barge into a campus building, record themselves reading statements about how they are bravely standing up for the innocent Hamas freedom fighters.  They lecture a black security guard about how he doesn’t understand racism and oppression. They demand that Vanderbilt makes them all queens for a day, and that Hamas be given more ammunition and permanent access to all future Israeli music festivals.  (I’m paraphrasing slightly.) 

They also demand food and water, because they apparently had not considered how peckish you can get when you are saving the entire world through your courageous activism.  One female even demanded that one of her fellow protestors be allowed to leave and return after changing a tampon, which could otherwise cause toxic shock syndrome.

I am not making that up.  (Full disclosure though: Rumors that the fresh-tampon-deprived fellow protestor was Jack Petocz have not been confirmed.) 

Shockingly enough, Vanderbilt authorities actually terminated the protest by arresting 4 students (including Petocz!), and forcibly removing more than 20 others.  Two weeks later, Vandy announced the disciplinary consequences: they expelled 3 students (including Petocz!), suspended 1, and put 22 others on probation. 

And Jack’s wailing posts about this existential injustice were chef’s-kiss perfect!

“I’m Jack Petocz, a 19 y/o activist that’s been fighting for marginalized people for years.  Yesterday, I was expelled from Vanderbilt for peacefully protesting the genocide in Palestine.” 

He called himself a “passionate organizer.”  He bemoaned Vandy’s horrible oppression of “students rallying together in compassion and love for those outside Vanderbilt’s ivory towers.” 

He said, “I came to Vanderbilt with the dream of escaping the rampant bigotry and institutional repression I experienced in the Deep South.  That dream has soured.”

What can you say to that? 

Other than, “Come down off that cross, Jack, we can use the wood.”

Ugh.

There is only one greater gulf in our culture than the one between alpha-male Gabriel Pitzulo going all tumultuous on Daniel Saunders’ sorry arse and Jack Petocz pouting and whining like Ilhan Omar at a bar-mitzvah. 

And that’s the gulf between actual Native Americans and Liz Warren.  (Boom! Unexpected #wemustneverstopmockingher reference!)

Hamas delenda est!