As I was plowing through material these last several days, I’ve realized that I might want to institute a few specific, recurring features in my columns, because so many stories fit familiar patterns. Here are a few categories I’m thinking about:
Schadenfreude Central – for stories in which bad actors receive their just desserts, to our delight
Stupid Criminal Stories – similar, but sometimes with tragedy mixed in
Unexpectedly! – for stories about the easily predictable outcome of a terrible leftist policy, reported by clueless dolts who were somehow shocked by that outcome.
Celebrations of Excellence – as an antidote to the many stories of incompetence and imbecility, I’ll highlight skilled, talented people doing great things, to help maintain our cautious optimism.
Not every story that catches my interest will fit one of those categories, of course. And I’ll always have time for some interstitial mockery of various boneheads – Mexican president Al Sisi can see the pyramid where Imhotep Pelosi grew up from his office; Liz Warren is as white as the crowd at an ABBA cover band performance in Stockholm (#wemustneverstopmockingher), etc.
So here’s a first try. I’d appreciate any feedback, and if you have suggestions for other categories, please share them.
Schadenfreude Central
If there’s one thing we all know about AOC – aside from the alleged juiciness of her booty, according to her – it’s that much like Wile E. Coyote, she is a super-genius. In December of 2020, she shared some of her deep thoughts in an online post reacting to defund-the-police activists who had confronted politicians in public spaces:
“The whole point of protesting is to make people uncomfortable.” She argued that only by causing discomfort can activists get “traction,” saying, “To folks who complain [that] protest demands make others uncomfortable… that’s the point.”
Well, last weekend AOC was in a public space – going to a movie with her low-T boyfriend – when some obnoxious protestors started following her through a building and down a street.
They had cell phones out, and kept haranguing her. “We love Hamas! We insist that you call Israel’s self-defense a horrible genocidal war crime. Call it genocide! Say it!!” (I’m loosely paraphrasing.)
AOC, because she always supports protest for social change, said, “Great job guys! Thanks for speaking truth to power, because people like me need to be held accountable, even if it makes us uncomfortable. I will happily parrot whatever you want me to say, and then pose for selfies with you. Also, do you think these jeans make my booty look juicy?” (I’m loosely paraphrasing.)
HA! I kid. What she actually did was yell, “You’re lying!” at them, and shake her finger in their faces. She also complained that they were going to edit her response “totally out of context,” then said, “It’s f—ed up, man! And you’re not helping these people! You’re not helping them!!”
To a normal viewer, it almost appeared as if she doesn’t think obnoxious protestors have the right to make HER uncomfortable.
And I’ll admit it: the protestors were obnoxious. The “male” was wearing a covid mask (in 2024!) and looked to be well into the second trimester, and the female had crazy eyes, and they both spouted the kind of aggressive pro-Hamas propaganda that invites a good face punching.
In other words, they’re AOC’s kind of people…as long as they’re harassing Republicans. But like all socialists, she doesn’t like it when the proles turn on their betters.
Did that make you uncomfortable, AOC?
That’s the point.
Stupid Criminal Stories
Antoinette Baez worked for Safeway grocery stores in California for 22 years, but last year she got fired. Guess why.
No, it wasn’t for shoplifting. And it wasn’t for showing up late, or sleeping on the job, or wearing a MAGA hat. And no, it wasn’t for pooping in the aisles. (This is California we’re talking about, so that’s not as far-fetched a scenario as it might be in a sane state.)
She was fired because a lazy bum of a shoplifter tried to waltz out with several bags of groceries she didn’t pay for, and Antoinette grabbed one of the bags. The shoplifter pushed and shoved her, but then gave up and left without stealing anything.
Three days later, Safeway fired Baez. Because they’ve got a policy that no employees can touch a shoplifter or pursue them to prevent their thieving, which they claimed Baez violated, even though she never touched the thief. A judge has miraculously sided with Baez, and she won a judgment for her back pay, though they haven’t offered her her job back.
Her lawyer said, “Safeway’s a food bank for thieves. The moral of the story is that it makes way more sense to steal from Safeway than to work for Safeway.”
Yep. This is why you can’t have nice things, Californians.
And in this case, the stupid criminal isn’t the shoplifter, because she faced no consequences for her crime. The stupid criminal is whoever is making corporate policy at Safeway. They should be paying a civil penalty to Baez in her upcoming wrongful termination suit.
Hopefully before they go bankrupt for being criminally stupid.
Unexpectedly!
The leftist residents of Austin, TX voted to cut funding for their police department in 2020. Annnnndddd….
“The city has been plagued by police staffing shortages and longer 911-call response times since.”
Unexpectedly!
The top cop in Austin reports that they’ve had two contracts fall through, they’ve lost more officers than they’ve hired for each of the last 6 years, and 40 officers filed retirement papers at the same time after the leftist city council “voted to scrap a 4-year contract that the city had already agreed to in principle.”
Residents have reported taking a Lyft to a hospital after a car wreck because nobody answered 911 calls, and the crime rate has gone way up. Even after the state legislature forced Austin to restore police funding – proving that Texas is still a sane state, even if the idiots in Austin have lost their minds – the officer shortage persists.
It seems like in a town where residents dislike cops and don’t want to pay them, cops are reluctant to take a job there.
Unexpectedly!
Celebration of Excellence
Normally I am annoyed by people with ridiculous names, just on general principle. But I am happy to make an exception for Nayib Bukele.
In fact, I put his name in an anagram maker, and found that those same letters spell “Beanie Bulky.” And I know how to pronounce that, and it makes me laugh. So with all due respect – but I really mean it this time! – I will refer to Bukele as Beanie Bulky from now on.
When B-squared was elected President of El Salvador four years ago – an office that nobody would seek were their cojones not bulky (see what I did there?) – it was the most dangerous country in the western hemisphere. He was elected specifically to crack down on the violent criminal gangs that had tormented and destabilized the country.
And he actually did it. Through a combination of tough crackdowns, limited negotiations with gang leaders, and canny moves to set gang members against their feckless leadership, Bulky has made El Salvadore the safest country in the Western hemisphere, and won re-election with over 90% of the vote last month.
And that’s not a Saddam-esque “everyone voted for the dictator because they’d be killed if they didn’t” sham vote total. The people recognize that BB has hammered the criminals and kept the citizens safe, and they rewarded him accordingly.
No one knows if this will last, or if the criminals who run so much of Central America will make a comeback. But for now Bulky Bukele has provided an encouraging example for neighboring nations.
The ACLU doesn’t approve of all of his methods (shocker!), and he’s walking a dangerous tightrope. But when push comes to shove, his instinct has been to favor the rights of law-abiding citizens over those of the criminals who prey on them – unlike, for example, California or Austin.
And I’ll bet the new El Salvador model is looking pretty good to the beleaguered citizens of large parts of Third-World-adjacent blue cities like San Francisco, Chicago and New York.
So three cheers for Beanie Bulky and the long-suffering citizens of El Salvador!
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 