First up, you probably saw the story a week ago that scientists in Texas have brought the dire wolf back from extinction. And I’m all for it.
Not because I understand it, exactly. The reports say that the Texans “used cloning and gene-editing” from a 13,000-year-old tooth and a 72,000-year-old skull, and then took blood cells from a living grey wolf (which is supposed to be the closest living relative to a dire wolf) and genetically mixed that with the old DNA. Then they transferred that to an egg cell from a domestic dog, and then the embryos were transferred to surrogates for gestation and birth.
Okay, now that I wrote that all out, it sounds very weird. It also sounds like the result would actually be a dog/grey wolf/dire wolf mixture, rather than an actual pure, de-extinctified dire wolf. (And yes, that should be a word.)
I’ll grant you that there are a few reasons to worry about the results. For one thing, I’m pretty sure that Nancy Pelosi was created out of DNA from the teeth and skulls of various ancient Egyptians, mixed with the DNA of Lenin, and of a particularly dishonest used-car salesman. And look what a disaster she turned out to be!
Plus there are the obvious, ominous Jurassic Park analogies. Though I think I speak for all of us when I say that I’d much rather have a small pack of those hissing dinosaurs that killed Newman (from Seinfeld) running around, than just the one Nancy Pelosi.
On the other hand, bringing back an extinct wolf from 10,000 years ago is an impressive feat, and we optimists can find bright sides in it, too. I mean sure, we could end up with the wolf equivalent of terrifying hissing dinosaurs, or a horrifically mummified nightmare of a Speaker of the House.
But we could also end up with super-wolves that could help clean up the swamp.
Am I saying that we should release a pack of hungry dire wolves into congressional office buildings, then bar the doors from the outside and turn up Tom Petty’s album Hard Promises in our ear buds so we wouldn’t have to listen to the screaming?
I’m saying that we should have that conversation.
Also, “dire wolf” has got to be one of the best names for any natural creature, right up there with the Black Widow spider and the Venus Flytrap.
I mean, “wolf” is already cool. But “dire?” Are you kidding me? That’s like the animal equivalent of naming your Russian leader “Ivan the Terrible,” or the pirates naming their chief “The Dread Pirate Roberts.”
I looked up the derivation of the name “dire wolf” – because: me – and found that the Latin name is canis dirus, which means “fearsome dog.” Which is AWESOME!
And also a coincidence. Because regular readers will know that my Aussie shepherd Cassie’s most common honorific is “the Wonder Dog.” But a lesser known title of hers – most often used when an Amazon driver comes to the front door with one of my wife’s thrice-hourly deliveries – is “the Fearsome Dog.” (“Cassius dirus.”)
True story.
Anyway, even though I’m glad that the dire wolf is back, I hope that you all know that this fine animal’s re-emergence will not distract me from my focus on the most pressing of all canine or canine-adjacent developments.
I’m speaking, of course, of our society’s urgent need for the fast-tracking of production of the first line of defense against future antifa, BLM, or pro-Hamas rioting mobs: the Robot Flamethrower Dog!
Trump’s re-election and Hulk Homan’s™ presence on the national scene have bought us some time. But we need large numbers of RFDs, and we need them soon!
If I were in charge, I’d put Elon on that immediately. He could start alpha testing with two RFDs roaming around every Tesla dealership. I’d suggest using the video footage from the Tesla cameras to create a series of pay-per-view events.
And before anyone else horns in on this fantastic idea, I hereby copyright the series name: “Apex Predators vs. Beta Males: The Culling of the Woke™”
In other feel-good news, Linda McMahon brought down a folding chair of reality on the heads of delinquent college-loan borrowers on Monday, announcing that as of May 5th, the feds will officially resume collecting on its defaulted federal student loan portfolio.
Student loan payments were paused as part of the CARES ACT – passed by congress and signed by Trump in March of 2020, at the beginning of covid. Although congress mandated that borrower repayment re-start in October of 2023, the Biden cabal ignored that law just as they did so many others.
But now, after 5 years of taxpayers who did not take out any school loans being forced to pay interest for people who did take out those loans, the gravy train is ending. By summer, the FSA will send out notices before beginning administrative wage garnishment.
Now we all know that many students – especially those who got various grievance studies degrees (“Anti-Americanism, with a minor in Jew Hatred,” “Gay Stuff,” “BS in Women Good-Men Bad,” etc.) – don’t have any wages to garnish. But as the wailing begins, at least that will be a sobering lesson that may dissuade those who were planning to embark on one of those degree paths.
I’m reminded of an old quote from Edmund Burke, which goes, “Example is the school of mankind, and they will learn at no other.” Except that I heard it from an old Bible prof at school as, “Pain is the school of mankind…”
Which rings more true to me. Because these newly resumed payments will definitely bring pain – hopefully a very instructive and ultimately helpful pain – to the lives of many struggling graduates.
I do feel bad for everyone who was lied to by Biden and the Dems in their vote-buying scheme of offering “loan forgiveness.” They’ve had their hopes cruelly raised, and they’ve gotten used to budgeting for the last 5 years without accounting for the payments that they will now have to start making.
Which brings me to closing thoughts on three rotten behaviors that the Left has been getting away with for the last 5 years, and longer.
First, they’ve been wailing about the unfairly high cost of college for years, while at the same causing most of those increased costs. Because even someone with a Jasmine Crockett-level IQ could tell you that when you hand out school loans like free cocaine at one of Hunter’s hookers-and-blow parties, you’re incentivizing universities to jack up costs.
Second, the Dems have been talking out of both sides of their mouths about college for years: screaming about how unfair and impossible it is to expect current graduates to pay back their loans, while at the same time handing out more and more loan money to those who – by their own admission! – will struggle to ever pay them back.
Third, the elite left has been yelling themselves hoarse because Trump has been appealing the rulings of far-left lower-court judges who are doing their best to prevent him from carrying out the job of the president, howling that taking those cases to SCOTUS is an existential threat to democracy!
Meanwhile, Brandon unilaterally declared that tenants no longer had to pay rent to landlords during covid, while admitting that his royal proclamation was probably not constitutional. He did the same thing when he declared that student loans were “forgiven,” with no act of congress or legal justification.
And when SCOTUS slapped him down, he tried to do the same thing with slightly different verbiage, bragging at rallies that the high court “may have blocked me, but they didn’t stop me.”
So the next time a social justice warrior rants at you about how Trump is worse than Hitler because he’s defying the courts, read the last two paragraphs to them, in a clear and slow voice, so they can follow along.
Then unleash your Robot Flamethrower Dog on them.
And don’t call him off until their nose rings have melted and the blue dye has been burned out of their hair.
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 