A Few Thoughts on our Nation’s Current Dilemma (posted 11/9/20)

 Note: this column was drafted before the last 24 hours, and under the assumption that there’s not much chance that Trump’s appeals can prevail and give him an electoral college victory.  That assumption seems a little shakier this morning.  Accordingly, all of the thoughts that follow are therefore tentative, and as long as there’s any chance of electoral college victory, we should fight until that chance is gone!

I need to talk to some Germans, and find out if there is a word for the opposite of schadenfreude – i.e. misery at witnessing the joy of creepy morons celebrating an misbegotten victory.  If there is such a word, I need to know it immediately, because I’ve got a third-degree case of it.

If there is no such word, my German friends need to step it the friend up.  Because if they’ve come up with schildkrote (“shield-toad,” i.e. turtle) and a word that means, “you’re not wrong, but you’re still an a-hole,” they should certainly have a word to describe the combination of heartsickness, nausea and intestinal distress that is the only rational reaction to watching the national Dems being happy.

We’re still a great country, and we will be able to withstand the motley crew of malicious ignorami (Latin plurals – they still comfort me!) who can’t wait to storm into office in January.  Especially if we can hold onto the senate, we can blunt most of the worst damage they are dying to do.  After that, we’ll need to do everything we can to be the loyal opposition, and fight them over every bad move they make. 

And work with them if they ever accidentally propose something that is actually good.  I’m not holding my breath on that front, but we’re cautious optimists, right? 

Also, it’s good to remind ourselves that there are many good liberal Americans out there: folks who (though they are wrong about politics, IMHO) love this country, and aren’t comfortable with blatant fraud and lawlessness.  (I hope that they’ll be much more vocal about that in the coming days and months!)

We don’t want to inadvertently throw those metaphorical babies out with the sewer water. 

Er, bath water.  (So sue me: I think of Schiff and the squad and CAW CAW and Schumer, and my mind invariably goes to waste disposal.)  

Trigger warning: I’m about to wax philosophical, and for me, that involves some God talk.  For those of you who don’t care for that type of thing, no problemo.   Feel free to skip down to the end of the column, where you’ll find some secular consolations (I hope!).

One of my short suits has always been the “turn the other cheek” part of my faith.  I tend to get angry at bad behavior — and bully, lying and cheating are three of the varieties of said behavior that enrage me  the most.  So you can imagine the way I’ve been stomping around and cursing the national Dems and their perfidious schemes this last week.

You can believe me when I say that this does not come naturally to me, but I’m working through ways to appeal to the better angels of my nature, and of yours too.

I understand the temptation to throw off the bonds of civil and moral behavior, and sink to Leftist hacks’ level.  If they have so obviously cheated and lied and stuffed ballot boxes and all the rest, I can almost get to the point of arguing that we should do the same.  The ghost of Machiavelli – whom I teach on a regular basis, and who always strikes me as simultaneously brilliantly correct and repugnant! – whispers to me that taking the high road while our opponents cheat will ruin us.

But then I go back to my moral lodestone, Uncle Jesus, who looks at me with love while also boxing my ears.  (My image of Him is a little eccentric, I’ll admit.)   And He says, “What will it profit a man if he gains the White House and both houses of congress, yet forfeits his soul?” 

And because I’m only as He made me, I immediately think of saying something sarcastic like, “Well, one profit would be that the green new deal won’t destroy our economy, and we might not be at the mercy of an incompetent socialist cabal of ex-bartenders, ancient Egyptian mummies who won’t die, and arschaffen as far as the eye can see…” But He gives me a look that suggests that another ear-boxing is on the way if I don’t zip it.

And then He says, “Verily, thou art hilarious – and just between us, one of My personal favorites — but I’ve got this.  Their victories are fleeting, and I’ve laid before them metaphorical acres of rakes, so behold as they go forth and stomp on one after another of them.  Rejoice in the spectacle of their self-delivered karmic head-thwackings.”    

“Also, remember that testing makes you stronger.  If the Jews could survive the pharaohs, and Samson could survive Delilah, and Bears fans could survive the McCaskey family, surely you can survive a few years of moronic governance.”

And before I can say, “Technically, Samson didn’t actually survive—” He says, “Yeah, yeah.  I was just checking to see if you were paying attention.   And by the way, what’s that thing you say about Elizabeth Warren?”

“#wemustneverstopmockingher’?” I say.

And He says, “That’s it!  We all love that.  Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull are up here – the theology of that is a little tricky, but I’ll explain it when you get here – and they could not stop face palming when she came out with that DNA test.”

“I knew it!” I say.  “But she’s supposed to be made in Your image too, right?”

“Oy, don’t ask.  That’s another one that you’ll have to be here before you understand.  Anyway, I’ve got to get going.  I’ve got some birds of the air and beasts of the field to watch over, and I’ve also got to reassure the Israelis that I’m not going to let Biden bumble them back into another intifada.   Plus, tonight Tom Petty and John Prine are putting on a concert, and for the first time, Eddie Van Halen will join them on guitar.”

“Also, your dad says hello, and that he knows what happened in the election, but he can’t bring himself to care about it, because he’s together with the rest of the family, buoyed by the joy that passeth understanding, and looking forward to seeing you again.

Also, he doesn’t want to give things away, but Foles is not a long-term answer at quarterback for the Bears.  Which is more consequential than Joe Biden, but still, not so much.”

And, scene. 

Okay, so I’m no theologian.  But I think I’ve got the details pretty close.

I realize that this column may have been rough sledding for those of you of a different faith or no faith.  But I meant what I said before the election: there is more to life than politics, and becoming as degraded as they are will not help the country, and it will do great moral damage to ourselves.

So let me leave the agnostic or atheist among the CO nation with different words of encouragement.  

If you appreciate Nature – but are not sold on Nature’s God – consider again our wide world beyond politics. 

Uncle Jesus may say (through Paul, IMO), “Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—think on these things.”

To paraphrase the Big Man, “Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, and whatever things can help you get your mind off of the MSM, Hollywood and the Left, think on those things.” 

Turn off the tv, avoid news of politics for a while, and think of whatever comes to mind when you think of Nature’s greatest gift to you.  (For me, that was meeting a piping hot 21-year old Norwegian-American girl, and pulling off the most miraculous four-bank carom shot in world history by tricking her into falling in love and marrying me, lo these many years ago.   But your mileage may vary.)

Take a walk in the early morning, or at sunset.  Closely watch a housecat playing or resting: does he trouble himself with Joey Gaffes’ incipient mental deterioration, or the outlook for the economy in 2021?  He does not.  (For the cynical among you, okay: he probably wouldn’t trouble himself if you had a massive heart attack and keeled over right in front of him, either.  But still.  He’s not a dog, so don’t hold him to dog-level standards.) 

Go through a vigorous workout, and then lay on your back on a sunny patch of grass, and feel the tingling in your muscles and the breath in your chest, and look at the sky.

If you have a few bucks and can spare some time, take a trip to the mountains, or walk in some snowy woods.  Think of a thoughtful gift for a loved one before secularist-defaced Christmas makes it mandatory.  Write a thankful letter to different people in your life – I can guarantee that they haven’t received one of those in ages, because no one writes letters anymore, since John and Abigail Adams died.

If you’re still feeling down after all that, I’ve only got one other idea for you: Go to Martinsimpsonwriting.com, where you’ll find a new picture of Cassie the Wonder Dog, sitting and smiling at you. Look at those beautiful brown and blue eyes, and that adorably cocked right ear and happy smile, and tell me you don’t feel better.

Comma-la/Avenatti 2024!

Getting Back Up, Dusting Ourselves Off (posted 11/6/20)

This is going to be a tough column to write, because the election obviously didn’t go as we’d hoped. 

Which is a polite way of saying that I can’t get this taste of bile and ashes out of my mouth!  As I wrote before the election, the polls were so far in Biden’s favor that it was hard to believe that they could be that wrong.  But there were so many signs that Trump had so much momentum, and Biden is such a stammering, mostly-dead gaffe machine, that I couldn’t bring myself to believe that he could win.

So now we’re here in purgatory.  I’m 100% convinced that if we could somehow eliminate all the voter fraud in this election – even if only in the half-dozen battleground states that will decide the issue – Trump would win.  I’m also about 99% convinced that there’s no way to achieve that, given the nature of the fraud.  Once ballots are submitted and counted, there is no way to tie them back to the scammers  or dead or fictional people who cast them.  Even if we manage to uncover evidence of widespread voter fraud in a few states, it would likely take something like a completely new vote there to resolve that, and I don’t think that can ever happen. 

I have purposely tried to avoid following events since election night very closely, just because of how heartsick I am to powerlessly watch as the GOP victory margins in several states are slowly, irrevocably eroded and then reversed right in front of our eyes. 

Which is not to say that I will attribute all close losses to fraud.  Allowing mail-in ballots that arrive after election day to be counted is ridiculous, and an invitation to fraud; by the same token, those rules were in place in many states, and I think many legitimate votes were cast in that way.  (Along with a lot of fraudulent ones!)   

To be honest, we won in 2016 by razor-thin margins in a handful of states.  If 100K or so votes could have been shifted around in about 4 states, Hillary would have won.  (Shudder!)  What I fear right now is that Biden may well narrowly win this time, and the same will be true: 100K votes shifted in just one or two states could have reversed that outcome. 

But I think that cheating is involved this time, unlike last time – and that makes all the difference in the world.   On the other hand, I am so biased, and have such disdain for the national Left and our execrable MSM – but I repeat myself – that I can’t even trust my own judgment at this point!

Having said all that, I’ll harken back to the wise words that a wise man once said: “If Biden does win tomorrow, I’m going to have some dark days for a while.  But not too dark, and not for too long.  Because life is too short to make politics the center of it.”

Okay, you’ve got me: that wise man was me, and I wrote that on Monday.   

And so far, that timeless wisdom has stood the test of time… for the intervening four days.  The last several days have been pretty dark, and I expect some more of those to come, especially if the Senile Scrantonian ultimately becomes the president.

On the other hand, am I going to put my head in my hands and weep, saying, “I don’t know what I’m gonna do,” until the Godfather – in this case the great and powerful CO – slaps me in the face and mocks me, saying, ‘You can act like a MAN!”

I am not.  Because this website is called “Cautious Optimism,” not “Cautious Let-me-put-a-gun-in-my-Mouth.” 

So let me look on the sunny side, and list a few silver linings in this potentially very dark cloud:

1. As of this writing, there is still a (very) slim chance that Trump will eventually win.  And if that happened, it would be the most delicious political victory ever, eclipsing even the glorious shock of 2016.

2. If we can manage to hold on to the anxiety-producing 51 seat majority in the Senate, we will have blunted the worst effects of the agenda that the far-left cabal using Biden as a dim-witted ventriloquist’s dummy were planning to inflict on our country.

3. The MSM is left standing knee-deep in crap, their clothes covered in it and their faces smeared with it, wearing a feces-bedecked dunce cap.   Their bias has been totally exposed, their polls were dishonest, and they’ve proven themselves to be absolutely without honor and unworthy of any trust or confidence.  I spit on them, metaphorically.  (And, if I get within spitting distance of one of them, literally.)

4. The Dems had a terrible night, mostly because they had bought their own propaganda.  They really believed that there would be a blue tidal wave: they expected to take the Senate, add to their lead in the House, and to gain state legislatures that would allow them to gerrymander in this crucial census year.

Instead, despite the fact that we had to defend twice as many senate seats, we may have narrowly held the Senate, and we actually gained house seats and state legislatures. They spent hundreds of millions of dollars to unseat Lindsey Graham 2.0 and Cocaine Mitch, and both of them won easily.  If Biden does win, it will be by the narrowest electoral college vote ever, and their dream that the monstrous Trump of their imagination would be decisively repudiated by the people did not come true.   

My home state – and the new home state of CO – came through like a champ.  Trump tripled his margin of victory in Florida from 2016, and carried with him several new House seat victories. 

5. The short- and mid-term future for conservatives looks brighter after this election.  Trump’s improved performance among black and Hispanic men and women suggests that the racist identity politics at the heart of many Democrats’ strategies might not be the winning gambit that those cynical creeps expected it to be.       

Trump’s personal example has also revealed a template for future victories, for any in the GOP who are wise enough to learn from it.  After years of effete wimps and go-along-to-get-along RINOs, Trump’s willingness to fight has been bracing, and produced outsized wins in advancing a conservative agenda.

Even his flaws are instructive, and encouraging.  It will not be hard for future GOP candidates to be more disciplined than Trump, and for them to deploy targeted instead of omni-directional punching, because a lane is wide open for a pugnacious but controlled conservative.  Trump has also revealed how much the media and the far-left agenda are hated; they are both easy targets, and the public will clearly support someone who attacks and opposes both. 

6. Finally, the Dems are in utter disarray, and as a snarky mocker of leftists, I’m going to be reveling in a target-rich environment!  There have already been some vicious intramural attacks on the left and in the media; the leftist Dems are furious with the far-left Dems, and they are at each others’ throats.  Already! If they don’t take the Senate, they will not be able to accomplish many of their long-desired schemes, and that will drive them even further up a wall.

On top of that, Biden and Comma-la have both been absolutely terrible candidates, and they promise to be absolutely terrible presidents.   If they eventually win, it’s only going to be after a bruising fight that will reveal clear corruption by state Dems – the PA and Philly machines are already beclowning themselves, with more obvious hackery to follow. 

If Biden does get inaugurated, it’s going to be as a tainted, morally compromised candidate with no popular mandate, and half the country dug in to oppose every leftist proposal he makes.  Not to mention that he is on the verge of being clinically dead.

I expect a Vegas betting line to be immediately established regarding how long he can remain in office before he steps down or is pushed out.  (I would put the over/under at 6 months.)  Then Comma-la will step in, and her ham-handed delivery, room-temperature IQ, and repulsive cackling will alienate every non-hard-core leftist in the country.

So we can look forward to incompetent leadership, vicious Dem in-fighting, and great prospects for a GOP wave in the 2022 mid-term, and a presidential win in 2024.

Would I trade all of that for a long, dirty, court battle ending in a second Trump term instead?  You bet your friending Schumer I would!  But is there reason to be optimistic, even if we don’t get that? 


Christmas is coming, CO nation is here, and Avenatti should be out of the joint in time to run next time around. 

Let’s let our righteous anger fuel us to support Trump’s battle in the courts and in the court of public opinion, and to get out the vote in the Georgia senate run-offs next month.  Let’s stiffen the spines of the GOP congressional delegations, form ranks in defense of our liberties and our country, and make Joey Gaffes and Comma-la sorry that they ever wanted to try herding the rabid, hateful, hissing, syphilitic cats that are the moonbat congressional Democrats!

Comma-la/Avenatti 2024!  

Election Eve Thoughts (posted 11/2/20)

Before I get started, you may remember that last week I had the brainstorm of cutting in some of Joe Biden’s last-debate “Come on”s into the Beatles’ “Please please me.”  Well, CO nation came through – hat trip to Brian, who sent me this short MP4 version of Biden singing a Beatles chorus with the Fab 4, which I’ve posted on this page, under the title, “Beatles-Biden.”

If you’ve seen some of Joey Gaffes’ recent word salad incident, you can probably guess that he’d also do a great job with other nonsense excerpts, such as “I am the walrus, goo goo g’joob.”

On a more serious note, I really don’t know what to think about this election.  

As much as I don’t trust the polls to not tilt left to some degree, I also don’t want to delude myself by just dismissing them out of hand.  (They were largely right in 2018, 2014 and 2012, and they were just outside of the margin of error even in 2016.)  If they show a 2-3 point lead for Biden in any given state, I can see Trump picking that one up.  If they show Biden up by 7-8, I can’t feel sanguine about that state.

On the other hand, there are so many reasons that argue against believing that Biden will win.  The gigantic, frenzied Trump rallies vs. the handful of goofballs parked in a defunct drive-in movie theatre in their insane-political-bumper-sticker-plastered Priuses.  Larger-than-usual support for Trump from blacks and Hispanics.  Joey Gaffe’s “Weekend at Biden’s” somnambulant performances on the stump.  (Have you noticed that Biden has not been seen on an actual stump?  That’s because the difficulty involved in distinguishing the stump from the candidate.)

Not to mention the “shy Trump voters.”  Who are logically shy about their vote, given the Dems’ nationwide orgy of violence, vandalism and bullying of anyone who disagrees with them.

So I don’t know what to expect tomorrow, and I’m more than a little depressed that this election could even be close.   Many conservatives like me were afraid that Trump was a lifelong Dem and not a committed student of conservative principles, and I’ve been thrilled to see how wrong I was, at least about his governance.  He’s gotten more conservative goals done – tax and regulation cuts, originalist judges, a little on the wall at least, a booming economy, our embassy moved to Jerusalem, reversing foreign policy blunders of Obama and those before him, droning terrorists, etc.  

He’s blown out the budget, but every president on both sides has done that, and the worst of the deficits have come because of the pandemic – and I can’t picture a scenario in which any president would have held the line any better, or spent less. 

For centrists and reasonable lefties (I know: all 14 of them), he certainly has not turned out to be the extremist or power-hungry autocrat whom they said they feared.  Surely you can only call someone an orange Hitler for so long before he’s either got to start rounding up some Jews and dissidents, or you have to realize that you were wildly wrong.

Beyond all that, the left has been so terrible this year that I can’t believe a majority of Americans will vote for them.  The left has either explicitly or tacitly condoned violent, America-hating race riots for almost 6 months now.   They have leapt at the chance to micro-manage the lives of everyone with the misfortune to live in one of the blue cities or states that they run.

The latest example comes from Gavin Newsom, certain to make the podium in the “Worst Governor in America” competition.  (And that’s knowing that Cuomo, Whitmer, and the “Round Mound of No Economic Rebound” Pritzker from Illinois are also in the mix!)

Newsom recently came out with idiotic lefty rules for Thanksgiving that are almost too bizarre to be believed:  Everyone must have their Thanksgiving meal outside, and the gathering may last no more than 2 hours.  He prefers that there be no singing or shouting, but if you must do that, he says to do it quietly.  (I’m waiting for Gavin to issue some instructions on how one can shout quietly, the numbskull.) 

The good news is that he will grudgingly allow you to go inside to use the bathroom… but only if it is sanitized frequently. 

Thank God for our moral betters telling me how to celebrate Thanksgiving.  Because traditionally I like to just step away from the patio table, defecate in the front yard, wipe myself with a festive pine bough (carefully!), and then sit down again and pour some gravy through the mask that Newsom wants me to wear.

If the American people really vote for these guys, I am tempted to start going around to every house with a Biden sign and “celebrate Thanksgiving” in their front yard, Newsom-style!  

So I don’t have any bold predictions for this election-eve column.  Instead, I’m going to examine an example of how NOT to approach a high-stakes, alarming election like this one. 

Let me introduce to you (if you haven’t already seen this story) a lovely little leftist lass (alliteration for the win, Alex!) known on TikTok as “Erleepen.”  This little ghoul relates a tale through a series of note cards that she holds up to the camera:

“My 55 year-old conservative dad has never voted Democrat in his life. He’s dying of Aplastic Anemia.  We’ve had some intense exchanges about him voting for Trump this year, which has been painful, since we’ll almost certainly lose him in the next few weeks/months. He has 6 daughters who love him dearly.”

The terrible daughter then smiles as she shows a card announcing that “yesterday” her dad “was so excited to tell me he’d just voted for Biden/Harris 2020!”

‘Erleepen’ says her father told her that he voted Biden – apparently casting aside his own political beliefs in the process – because “it matters to my girls and my girls matter to me.” 

The video ends with a call to arms: “Vote for the guy who respects women! If my very Republican dad can…So. Can. You.”

I’m not going to comment on the case she makes for Biden. 

Well, except to say that calling him “the guy who respects women??!”  C’mon, man! 

If we ever get back to working in person, and I ever came into my office and saw a half dozen female colleagues and employs in a group, and if I then went around that group and alternately sniffed their hair, rubbed their shoulders, and gave them the Biden “up-the-skirt high-five,” do you know what sentence would appear in NONE of their testimony at the emergency HR meeting that would immediately be called?

“I think we can all agree that Martin REALLY respects women!”

But other than that, I’m not going to comment on the case that she makes.

Instead I’m going to comment on how badly she is missing the point of life, and of politics.

I’m a bit of a political junkie, as most of you are.  But my interest in politics takes a back seat to many other areas of life: my religion, my family, my work, my virtual family at the CO site, sports, good fiction, Wonder Dog ownership, etc. and etc.

In fact, politics only means anything to me because of the way it impacts many more important areas of life.  Since I value my rights to speak and to worship and to defend myself and my family with a gun, and since I’m fond of my country and running my own life, I would like to see no Democrats in a position of national power for the next century or so, at least. 

I would also like to be left alone by a bunch of micro-managing statists who hate my guts because of my skin color and my gender and my political beliefs.  And also, for all I know, for my rapier wit, animal magnetism, and catlike grace. 

For all of those reasons and more, if Biden does win tomorrow, I’m going to have some dark days for a while.  But not too dark, and not for too long.  Because life is too short to make politics the center of it.

But life is never shorter than when a loved one is dying.  And to spend that precious time browbeating your dying dad about politics?  Are you kidding me?!

Longtime readers of this column will know that my world-class dad died in December of 2014.  (I’ve written and re-run a tribute to him, which you can find in a Father’s Day column from this last June at Martinsimpsonwriting.com, if you are interested.)  Dad had cancer, and when we found out in August that a surgery hadn’t worked, and the cancer has metastasized, I made sure that I spent as much time with him as possible.

I had a T-R teaching schedule in north central Florida, and every Thursday after class I loaded Cassie the Wonder Dog into the minivan and drove up to mom and dad’s house south of Nashville, returning to Florida on Monday evening so I could teach again.   In November, when he was finally in the homestretch, my colleagues at work pitched in to handle my classes so that I could stay in TN with him and mom, and just do my grading from a distance.

Those months with dad were a great gift.  All of us are dying, but we all knew that dad’s days were truly numbered, and that made each of them precious to us.  Although we always had a great relationship, he and I spent more time together in his last 4 months than we had in the past 12 years.  We talked about God, and what he wanted my sister and I to do to make sure that mom was looked after and taken care of.   We watched DVDs of the sermons he missed because he couldn’t make it to church, along with some football games, and Jeopardy.  We played cards and we told jokes, and he held court with a steady stream of visitors from all eras of his life, but mostly his church friends from Tennessee.

I took a video camera, and during those last months I recorded about 4 hours of him reminiscing and telling stories about his childhood and family and life.

You know what we did NOT talk about, and what we never would have talked about in those circumstances, in a million years?  WHO HE WAS SUPPOSED TO VOTE FOR!  (Cue Sam Kinison if he were a hospice worker:  OH! OOOOHHHHH!)

I can’t even imagine bothering my dying dad about politics, under any circumstances.  But to strong arm him into voting for Joe friending Biden??!!

What could that sad woman have possibly said to her poor father?  “Hey dad, you and Joe Biden really have a lot in common!  I mean, he’s almost dead, and you’re almost dead, right?  And he’s called a lid on his campaign, and you’ve called a lid on your life.  And with your morphine drip, you often don’t know where you are, or what year it is, either!”

“And you know how mom used to always call you a racist rapist, and then haunt you with that horrible, braying laugh of hers?  Joe’s got that, too!” 


I really hope that her dad just humored his small-minded daughter, and voted for Trump anyway.  And I think we should pray for her soul.

And also that she is very, very disappointed on election day.

Get out there and vote, people!

Happy Birthday to Hillary, & Joey Gaffes keeps Gaffin’ (posted 10/30/20)

As our beloved COSE reminded us, Monday was a certain pant-suited former future president’s birthday.  She was celebrating the big 7-3. 

As you may know, there are certain gifts associated with momentous birthdays: diamonds for one, gold for another, a commemorative dinnerware set featuring Legendary Bears Players of the Past for another.  (Yes, turning 40 was especially sweet for me, thanks for asking!  Also, please pass me my decorative Gayle Sayers tumbler of scotch.)

But how many of you knew that for the 73rd birthday, the traditional gift is to elevate your polar-opposite arch-nemesis to a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, leaving you gnashing your frighteningly over-sized teeth and pounding the earth with your hooves in rage ?   

Well now you do. 

Sing it with me, CO Nation:

Happy birthday to you (CAW CAW!)

Happy birthday to you (CAW CAW!)

Happy birthday dear Hillary (CAW!)

Now slink back to Chappaqua!     (She’s on the couuuuurrrrttt!) Yeah!”

Quick quiz.  Below I’ve listed three actual absurd things that the late Joe Biden has done in the last fortnight, and one ridiculous thing that I made up.  See if you can guess which is which:

  1. He said that he’s running against someone named George.
  2. He said that his team has “developed the most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization in the history of American politics.”
  3. He called the voters in a state he desperately wants to win “chumps.”
  4. He tried to cast his vote early at a polling place in Delaware, but wandered into a men’s room, stepped up to a urinal that he thought was a voting booth, and by the time his secret service escort retrieved him he’d written “Me” on a urinal cake.  Then Jill took him by the arm and helped him up to an actual voting booth.  Where he accidentally voted for Donald Trump.

Okay, the urinal cake was probably one step too far, and gave it away.

My favorite real gaffe was the George thing.  If you didn’t see it, he was being interviewed by George Lopez (whom he managed not to refer to as Juan, Jose or Miguel, but only with a great effort), and Lopez asked what he would say to undecided voters.

Biden said, and I am not making this up, “The character of the country in my view is literally on the ballot, what kind of country are we going to be?  Four more years of George uh… George…”

Then Jill jumped in and side-whispered, “Trump, you idiot!”

And Biden blurted, “Trump, you idiot!”

I love that the MSM tried to dive on that dementia grenade to protect Plugsy from himself.  An AP “fact check” – and sarcastic scare quotes were never more appropriate – helpfully explained that you shouldn’t trust your lying eyes and ears: “Biden appears to stumble over his words before correcting himself. The clips online do not mention that Biden was being interviewed by [George] Lopez and instead contend that Biden was so confused that he mixed up President Trump with George W. Bush.”

Got that?  He only “appeared” to stumble over his words, or be confused. But he obviously wasn’t.   He was talking to a guy named George, you see, so he naturally… said that guy’s name?   (Like if you and I were talking, and I asked who you were voting for, you’d naturally blurt out, “Martin!”  And if I said, “What’s your favorite dessert topping, you’d say, “Martin!”)

Of course Biden wasn’t mixing up Trump with a previous president! No!  He was just referring to the constitutional provision that when a GOP president gets re-elected, he is actually replaced by a semi-talented Hispanic comedian, as in, “Trump won, so here comes another four years of George Lopez!” 

As Joe could tell you, that part of the constitution is right there toward the bottom, in the Bill of… Attainder?  No, wait.  The bill of lading?  Oh, you know… you know the thing!

To be fair to Biden, I’m not sure that he WAS referring to George Bush. 

Considering that rolling-tumbleweed-filled noggin of his, he could just as likely have meant George Lazenby, or George Wendt (Norm!), or George of the Jungle.  (Though after a moment’s reflection, there’s no way that what’s left of the Big Guy could have made the arcane reference pull of the least-remembered James Bond.)

Regardless, it couldn’t be more obvious that Biden is a momentary stand-in as a candidate.  If he wins, that means only one thing: Kamala’s got her nose under the tent, and she’ll shortly be forcing her way in, and forcing Biden out.  

Speaking of camels, did you catch that braying, insanely inappropriate laugh that she unleashed when Norah O’Donnell mentioned that she had the most liberal voting record in the Senate?   Good lord!  Just when you think nobody can have a more annoying laugh than Hillary, Comma-la says, “Hold my comically oversized Cheech-and-Chong spliff and watch this!”

I voted on Monday, and I almost feel bad for the earnest oldster Dems on the edge of the library property, who gave me a small sheet outlining the Dem-preferred responses.  I knew all of candidates to vote for, but there were a dozen amendments to state, county and city laws, and they are always confusingly written.

I used to read each proposition earnestly in the newspaper ahead of time, trying to decipher each one.  But then, almost 10 years ago now, after having everything I hold dear routinely pooped upon by leftist “journalists” for my entire adult life, I stopped subscribing to the paper.  

So now I usually have to camp out in the voting booth and try to untangle the badly written amendment language.  “This amendment calls for reversing the earlier bill that restricted any attempt to prevent the elimination of prohibiting the right to require that an expectant mother be allowed to opt out of seeing an ultrasound before an abortion.” 

I always just want to straighten up and raise my hand and say in a loud voice, “Hey, on Amendment 8, which way do I vote if I’m not a moral monster who is pro-infanticide?” 

And then watch all of the pinch-faced booth dwellers give me the stink eye.

But not this year.  Because the nice Dems outside gave me a paper cheat-sheet listing all of the voting positions that a properly woke leftist should take.  So I just voted the opposite way on every item. 

I was out of there in 4 minutes, and back to my usual routine of crushing it at life! 

Finally, in these stress-filled days before the election, I think that what every sane American needs is to look at a picture of Cassie the Wonder Dog getting ready to take a top-down drive with me.  And I’ve got your back, sane Americans.

So when you finish this column, go to Martinsimpsonwriting.com, where you will see a picture of Cassie and I, preparing to go for a spin.   I can’t divulge our travel agenda after this pic was taken; I will only say that the local Dem headquarters did make a police report about a car containing a hilarious Caucasian man and a world-class beast repeatedly circling their building at high speed, in a harassing manner. 

Rumors that witnesses reported hearing intelligent barking, along with a rousing cry of, “What’s up with Hunter’s laptop, you lying, dog-faced pony soldiers?!” have not been confirmed.

Don’t forget to vote, people!

Avenatti/George Lazenby 2020!

Final Debate Re-cap (posted 10/26/20)

As far as the conventional wisdom about the final debate goes, I can’t disagree with the CO nation.  I agree that Trump was better than the first time around, and that Biden was only worse because he was given the chance to talk more, which is always a bad thing for him.

I also agree that Kristen Welker was much less bad as a moderator than we had a right to expect.  She was still biased, of course.  The best poker tell on her was when Trump said that we should open schools, because the virus doesn’t appear to be very dangerous to kids.

Trump’s basic point was correct: all of the science so far points to kids not being nearly as susceptible to be harmed by the virus, and much less likely to spread it to adults. In fact, something like 74 kids 15-and-under have died from the virus this year, compared to something like 480 who died from the flu during the same period last year.  (I don’t have the exact numbers in front of me, but those are very close.)

Which is why the American Association of Pediatricians – actual experts, who know more about the science and its real world implications than all of the MSM empty heads put together – recommended back in August that K-12 schools reopen.   

So a completely neutral moderator would have allowed Trump’s statement to stand uncommented on.  Naturally, our moderator had to comment on it, in perfect pseudo-reasonable biased journalist fashion.

To wit: “And of course the CDC has said young people can get sick with COVID-19 and can pass it.”

Her statement was technically true, in the same sense that it’s technically true that kids can also die from falling down the stairs, or being struck by lightning, or being caught between Chuck Schumer and a tv camera and being trampled to death.  

But since we’re talking about something like a 99.999998 chance of that NOT happening, her little jab was telling.  As was that snotty little, “Of course,” to start things off.

For example, when Joey Gaffes said that no one ever lost their health insurance because of Obamacare, did Welker respond, “Of course Obamacare actually caused many millions to lose their health insurance.”

Or when the Big Man said that no one has ever said that Hunter did anything wrong, did Welker respond, “Of course everyone on the planet, including Hunter himself and Beau’s widow, has admitted that he’s done all kinds of things wrong.”

Or when the Corn Pop Slayer said that he’s never had a bad word to say about fracking, did Welker do a classic spit-take as she was drinking from her moderator’s water glass?

That’s a no, and a no, and another no.

Still, in these days of radical leftist moonbats passing as journalists, Welker was not bad, and I’ve got nothing substantive to add. 

However, I’ve got several trivial and mocking things to add.  And since trivial mockery is my wheelhouse, I thought I’d toss out a few observations.

If I had to choose, I’d pick two favorite Biden one-liners.  The first one was when he said that, “We had a great relationship with Hitler before he invaded Europe.“

First of all, what?!  No, Joe, we NEVER had a ”great relationship” with Adolf Hitler.

Second, “invaded Europe?”  Does Joe know that Germany is already in Europe?  I mean, it’s practically in the middle of Europe.

Which made invading Europe easier for Hitler, I guess.  Because most invaders have to overcome a lot of logistical hurdles to launch an invasion, like sailing across an ocean to your opponents’ shores, or flying on long-distance air raids to get to your enemies’ cities.  Or hiding in a gigantic, stuffy horse on the off chance that your enemy might have enough Biden voters to lower their collective IQ to the point that they would willingly haul said horse inside their city walls like a bunch of adamschiffen. 

As opposed to Hitler, who had his army pop next door to the Polish border, and call out, “Hello?  Europeans?  It’s your neighbors, the ones with whom you’ve been having a great relationship?  You know, with the Wehrmacht and the Stukas and the ‘Give up your Juden!’  So anyway…”

Did Joe mention that he was at the top of his class when he earned his two degrees in European History?  Also, his IQ is higher than yours, and he could whip you in a push-up contest.  So get your history facts straight, Jack!

My second-favorite Biden moment was when he gave his audience a little rhetorical whiplash.  First he said, “I don’t look at this in terms of the way he does, blue states and the red states, they’re all the United States.”

Then – in what I swear to God was the Very. Next. Sentence! – he said, “And look at the states that are having such a spike in the corona virus: they’re the red states!”

You can’t make this stuff up.

In general, Joe cannot help himself from repeating a fundamental logic error: making strong claims, rather than qualified ones.   In this context, a strong claim is an extreme one, e.g. “all tax rate cuts always bring in more revenue,” whereas a qualified claim is a more moderate one, e.g. “tax rate cuts usually bring in more revenue.” 

Strong claims are ironically weaker, because they collapse if even one counter-example can be found. They can be tempting to all of us – Trump is certainly not immune to their lure! – but they are the stock-in-trade of the none-too-bright political extremist. 

For example, during a Biden rally in Minneapolis a few weeks ago, Grandma Squanto screeched, “Donald Trump threatens the existence of human life, of all life, on this planet.”

And you could tell that she was serious, because of how pale with fear she was.  #wemustneverstopmockingher

But the Translucent Tonkawa (yes, I had to do a deep dive to find a tribe name starting with “T”) has nothing on the Scranton Simpleton when it comes to laughably false strong claims. 

He can’t admit that Hunter has some problems – “He’s never done anything wrong!”   He can’t say that Obamacare was in any way flawed – “No one ever lost their doctor, or their insurance!”

He can’t say that Trump’s covid response was less than perfect – “Not one American would have died if Trump had responded to covid differently!”

But of all of Biden’s faux pas, the most enjoyable was the way he reverted to his favorite verbal tic: saying, “Come on!” whenever he doesn’t have a more substantive rebuttal.  Which is almost always.  He says that phrase more often than my daughters said “like” when they were teenagers.    

And sure enough, in the debate, he unleashed 9 instances of “Come on,” each more lame than the last. 

In fact, after the debate I did a little research, and I can confidently say that Joe Biden has taken second place in the “Most Uses of ‘Come on’ in a Spoken Word Production,” second only to the Beatles in their feel-good hit from 1963, “Please Please Me.”  (If you haven’t heard that one in a while, I dare you to listen to it and not smile.)   

FYI, this is another time when I really wish I understood modern technology.  Because I’d love to get hold of a recording of that Beatles song, and when it gets to the call-and-response chorus — “Come on (come on!), Come on (come on!), Come on (come on!), Come on (come on!), Please please me, oh yeah, like I please you.” – I’d keep Lennon’s initial “Come on”s, and splice in Biden’s various “Come on”s as the responses. 

(In keeping with my growing love of all things German, two Austrian sisters called the MonaLisa Twins do a version of “Please Please Me” during which their German accents come through at several points, and it is freaking adorable!)

If any of you in CO nation are technically adept enough to splice in some Joey Gaffes and produce a Lennon/Biden compilation — I know: Lenin/Biden would seem much more apt – please post it on the site!

On a final note, I’ve posted a pic from my recent Illinois hiking trip (at Martinsimpsonwriting.com) in which I’m holding a cool, telescoping walking stick that my cousin let me borrow.  When my wife saw the picture, she said that between my sunglasses and the cane, I look like a blind guy out on a hike in a forest. 

Of course I explained to her that since all other women became invisible to me the moment I first laid eyes on her, I carry this cane to continually sweep in front of me, to keep from bumping into all of the invisible women in the world.    

She rolled her eyes at me, but I was not fooled: she was impressed.

Avenatti/Grandma Squanto 2020!

On the Under-appreciated Value of Common Sense (posted 10/22/20)

So I’m back from Tennessee and Illinois, and I had a great trip.  I got to see a lot of family, take some satisfying hikes in autumnal forests in crisp, cool air, and generally enjoy the break in routine.  On my last morning in my hometown, I drove up and down some hills in old, familiar neighborhoods, and videotaped the changing leaves and the houses of childhood friends.  As usual, I left town in a pleasant fog of bittersweet (but mostly sweet) nostalgia.

During my long drive back south, I had a lot of time to think about our current political dilemma, ensconced as we are in a dumpster-fire-perched-on-a-precipice over a socialist volcano filled with the corrosive lava of court-packing, freedom-weakening, bad-faith pseudo-journalistic leftist hacks.

And I found myself returning to a recurring theme from my childhood: the virtue of common sense.     

Before I grew into the modest, mature, hilarious genius you see before you, I was a young boy being raised in a great family who had not had any formal education beyond high school.  (Both grandmothers went through 8th grade, and both grandfathers through 6th grade.  My parents’ generation all completed high school, and my generation was the first batch of Simpsons to go to college.)   While my family was very supportive and encouraging about me going to college, and later to grad school, they all had talks with me about not neglecting common sense as I became more educated.

After spending decades in academia, I have come to appreciate that advice more than ever.  The trope of some crackpot theory being so ridiculous “that only a PhD could believe it” does not come out of nowhere.  The old liberal arts department joke about capitalism vs. Marxism – quoth the poli-sci prof, “I know that free markets work in the real world.  But more importantly, do they work in theory?” – exists for a reason.

As the presidential race appears to be tightening and the MSM gets more desperate, I’m reminded of how the MSM has spent these last years pitching absurd stories that anyone with the slightest modicum of common sense would immediately see through.

For example, Baby-talking Blasey-Ford’s smears about Brett Kavanaugh were ludicrous for many reasons.  (His horrible attack rendered her so afraid of flying that she couldn’t fly to a hearing to air her charges… after it turns out that she’s got more frequent flyer miles than Richard Branson.  The people she identified as witnesses all said that the attack never happened.  Etc.)

But one little-analyzed red-flag in her story violated common sense so fundamentally that I knew for certain that she was lying: she said that she couldn’t remember what year she was in high school when the attack occurred.

I was pretty fortunate to not have any real traumas happen to me in high school.  The closest thing to anything horrible – if you don’t count some of my haircuts and fashion choices – was an injury during a pick-up football game.  I landed on my finger badly, breaking it close to the hand, and requiring 6 weeks with my hand in a cast.

I can tell you without hesitation that it was in the fall of my freshman year, two days before I was supposed to play my first high school football game as a cornerback.  And I’ll bet that you can do the same with any traumatic experience during your high school years.

Did your parents get divorced?  Someone in your family get into a serious car wreck?  Did you experience a traumatic teen break-up, or a serious illness?  Did you make varsity, or get kicked off the team, or find out that your boyfriend was cheating, or that your girlfriend was pregnant?

If so, you can immediately tell me what year it happened.  During your sophomore year from hell, or the senior year when things finally turned around for you, or whatever.

But Blasey-Ford spent four decades being traumatized and trying to recover from a terrible sexual attack, and she can’t even tell you whether she was a freshman or a senior when her world was shattered forever?

Common sense says, “No way!”

There’s always a basic smell test that lets you know when someone is lying. 

When definitive proof came out that Grandma Squanto had identified herself as Native American during and after her search for her first academic job – she listed herself as non-spelling-bee Indian at both Harvard and Penn, and Harvard bragged about her diversifying affect on their roster – she doubled down.  She insisted with a straight face – and a pale one! (#wemustneverstopmockingher) – that her faux minority-ness gave her no advantage whatsoever in either hiring or promotion. 

Anyone who’s every been within a mile of a diversity-crazed university campus knows that how crazy that is.   Common sense says, “Hell no!”

Hillary claimed that the Clinton Foundation raked in hundreds of millions of “donations” annually because public-spirited people knew a good cause when they saw one.  Then, she threw a shoe and ran into the rail, shattering her jockey’s femur in the final turn of the 2016 race – and thus ended any chance she had at wielding political power.

The very next year, the Foundation’s haul was three paperclips, two Canadian pennies and an expired Blockbuster coupon entitling the owner to a free weekday rental of Mission Impossible 2. 

The next thing you know, she and Bill are on a speaking tour at half-empty community college gyms – Bill always had a local sorority girl/Dem volunteer bouncing on his knee while he asked her what she wanted for Christmas – and Hillary was insisting that the Foundation was a great cause that must continue to do the Lord’s work.

Common sense says, “The hell you say!”

And lately we’ve been getting more of the same.  The MSM isn’t even trying to hide their ethically-crippling levels of bias any more. 

Peaceful protests of the lockdowns by conservatives are super-spreader genocide-fests promulgated by Nazis who want to kill grandma.   But much larger orgies of screaming, looting and rioting are civil rights demonstrations by a bunch of MLKs, and pose no health risk at all.

Trump gets the WuFlu because he didn’t wear a mask, and we get sermons about how we’re all Sinners in the Hands of an Angry Gaia.  But Imhotep Pelosi shambles through a salon maskless, and Chris “his brother is worse” Cuomo galavants around with his face uncovered – doubly dangerous, because of his mouth-breathing – and the MSM is struck dumb.

Not AOC-style dumb.  I mean, they lose the ability to speak.

And now comes the Hunter laptop story, and the MSM are at risk for adult-onset spinal torsion because of how vigorously they are turning their heads to look the other way. 

I don’t want to pick on Hunter, who is obviously a troubled mess of a person.  The usual concessions in a time of great pain could be made: all of us are flawed, and the heart wants what it wants, etc.  

On the other hand, should it work to say that sometimes what the heart wants is a soup can full of methamphetamine, carnal knowledge of your brother’s widow, and huge duffle bags of cash from murderous Chinese dictators and Ukrainian kleptocrats?

Could you imagine Don Jr. making that argument? Or Don Sr.?   It is to laugh.

Add in some incriminating emails implicating Plugsy as a corrupt Godfather-figure, insisting that he gets his cut from Hunter’s transparent bribes, and you’ve got what should be a humongous scandal. 

So last week there was a townhall meeting with Biden, and George “Dinklage” Stephanopoulos managed not to ask a single question about the meth-snorting, bribe-taking elephant in the room.  And if left to her own devices, the life-long leftist “moderator” at tonight’s debate likely won’t bring it up, either.

It’s been especially entertaining watching Twitter and the rest of the MSM scramble for a rationale for censoring the NY Post laptop story.  First Twitter claimed that sharing the story was “potentially harmful.”  As opposed to every doom-and-gloom story that they’ve posted exaggerating the death rates from the Flu Manchu, and justifying rioting and looting, and promoting fever-dream fantasies that Trump recreated an Esther Williams production number with a hundred urinating hookers in a Russian hotel.

Then Twitter invoked a suddenly made-up rule against sharing hacked or leaked material.  Which is why you’ve never heard of Wikileaks, or Putin’s imaginary support for Trump in 2016, or Donald Trump’s tax returns.

Finally Twitter swung at strike three, by claiming that information that may show that a presidential candidate is up to his Depends in foreign cash taken to influence legislation and foreign policy is out of bounds because it “violates [our] policies on displaying private information.” 

Did I mention Donald Trump’s tax returns?

Ugh.  They think we have no common sense at all.  The sad thing is, as close as this election is, they may be right.

“Hey Martin,” I can hear you asking, “are you really going to write a column without referring to Jeffrey Toobin?”

Of course not, even though I am usually too classy to stoop to dealing with such low-hanging fruit.  (HA!  Couldn’t help that.)

I’d like to say something in Toobin’s defense.  Like, I understand that it in the mock trial exercise that all of those lefty “journalists” were engaged in, Toobin was supposed to be representing the Judiciary.  So maybe he had heard that when you’re in court, you’re supposed to make a lot of motions?

Okay, you’re right.  That was beneath me.

Toobin obviously has some psychological problems.  But after how shabbily he treated Kavanaugh during the hearings, and after reading just a little about his past sexual misbehavior,  I have to admit that for me, Toobin puts the “Freud” in “schadenfreude.”

And what’s worse, now that he’s suspended, he’s going to have even more time on his hands.  So far that hasn’t been a good thing for him.

Is it possible that I’m not as classy as I thought?

Anyway, the last I heard, CNN has indefinitely suspended Toobin.  Which sounds about… Wait?  What?

Good lord!  What do you have to do to get fired at CNN?!

Avenatti/ Jeffrey “One-Armed Bandit” Toobin 2020!

Thoughts before Traveling (posted 10/14/20)

I’m about to make a trip up north, to see my mom in TN, and then to hang with some cousins and see some leaves changing in IL.  So I thought I’d post a few random thoughts before I go:

In the last two weeks, Joe Biden has done the following: said that he’s “a proud Democrat running for the Senate,” forgotten Mitt Romney’s name, and forgot what state he was in.  He said that he got his start at a historically black college, and also spent a lot of Sundays in a black church when he was a teenager.  He also said that the American voters “don’t deserve to know” whether he’s going to pack the Supreme Court if he gets elected.  (Spoiler alert: he is definitely going to pack the court if he gets elected.)

On the upside, he didn’t say that the long-dead Tupac is his favorite living rapper, or that he fondly remembers when his job training involved sneaking around and snuggling with creepy old married Willie Brown.  (If by “snuggling” you mean… something much more terrible than snuggling.)

So he’s got that going for him.

If they hadn’t already won the Lifetime Achievement Award for Orwellian Scheisse-Shoveling, I would nominate the Dems and MSM (but I repeat myself)  for this year’s award in that category.  Their offense against common sense and clear language this time?  Redefining what it means to “pack the court.”

For the last several centuries, every sentient mammal in Christendom has understood “packing the court” to refer to what happens when a president who can’t get his way legislatively or judicially arbitrarily adds a bunch of judges to a court that has had 9 members on it since Nancy Pelosi was a young lass, in the early 19th century.  (See, “FDR,” and look for the entry right before “packing the internment camps with innocent Japanese Americans”.)

Now that the late Joe Biden wants to do that next year — if a wrathful God allows him to be elected, to punish us for our sins – the MSM must run cover for his sleazy behavior.  So the memo went out: starting now, we’re going to say that “packing the court” no longer means packing the court.  Now it means filling all judicial vacancies by means of nominating and confirming judges for those vacancies, the way the Founding Fathers set out for us in the constitution.” 

Got that?  Getting elected, and then doing what the constitution says you are supposed to do when you are elected, is now “packing the court.”  In the same sense that the Jordan-era Bulls “packed the win/loss record” by winning many, many basketball games.  Like they were supposed to.

My favorite arschaffen of the group was Dem senatorial candidate from Montana Steve Bollocks, who during a debate said that he’d support packing the court as a way to “depoliticize” it.  Because nothing says “let’s get the politics out of this” like changing the rules to benefit your political party, after playing by the rules has resulted in your losing!

Sorry, that’s Bullock.  Steve Bullock. 

I watched about 8 minutes of Richard “everybody secretly calls him Dick” Blumenthal questioning ACB, and holy moly!  That guy’s SFPI (Simpson Face Punchability Index) is off the charts, and I’m always going to respect ACB just for not leaping across the room and pummeling his bad-faith-question-asking-posterior from here to Sunday. 

Also, the spectacle of someone like Dick Bloom (as I’m assuming he was called back when he perennially had the lowest GPA in the frat house) trying to interrogate and match wits with the estimable ACB was a sight to behold.  If there has ever been an IQ gap that large in one room, I’ll eat my Martacus-style Roman helmet. 

Do you remember the musk ox with a learning disability whom I mentioned in my last column?  Well watching ACB try to explain even the basics of constitutional law to the Dickster was like watching Einstein trying to explain relativity to that musk ox’s slower buddy, the furry highland cow who just emerged from the concussion protocol tent.  

Yes, the furry highland cow is a real animal.  Here’s a picture of one.  Now try to imagine explaining Marbury vs. Madison to him, and you’ll have some idea of what ACB had to endure.  

By the way, my favorite moment of ACB goodness was when John Cornyn mentioned that all of the empty-suit Senate interrogators have notebooks filled with prepared facts and questions, and he asked her what documents she had to refer to.  ACB held up a small notepad to the camera, smiling.  Cornyn said, “Is there anything on it?”

And she said, “The letterhead that says, ‘United States Senate.’”

Cut to Crazy Mazie Hirono looking surprised, because she had used her US Senate note pad as toilet-paper, and then to wipe the rabies foam from the corners of her mouth.  In that order.

Meanwhile, Dick Blumenthal surreptitiously crossed both arms over his briefing book, which contained pages of crayon drawings of Frankenstein and Godzilla fighting Batman. 

A CSPAN camera caught the piece of paper on top of his book.  It contained a stick figure labeled, “You,” and 12 single-word thought bubbles that together made this sentence: “Ask mean lady why she wants to force ladies to have babies.”

God bless ACB, and I wish her many happy decades on the Supreme Court!

Now I’m going to hit the roads of this beautiful country, and listen to some books on cd and some podcasts while I drive toward cooler temperatures and changing scenery.  I’m going to visit with some amazing family members – along with one Biden-voting cousin (someone’s got to be the musk ox at the garden party!) whom I dearly love anyway – and I’m going to watch some football and walk through some autumn woods and enjoy God’s creation. 

Please don’t let everything fall apart while I’m gone!

Avenatti/Frequently-concussed Furry Highland Cow 2020!

The VP debate, & other leftist shenanigans (posted 10/12/20)

The debate itself was pretty clearly a blow-out, unless you are an in-the-tank CNN commentator.  If it were a fight, they’d have stopped it.   

Pence was calm and controlled, and he gave substantive, fact-filled answers.  When Comma-la said something untrue – her tell is that she either inhales or exhales right before or after lying — he corrected it with as little vitriol as possible, but forcefully. 

He was a rhetorical fencer, compared to Trump, who was a rampaging Viking, hopped up on mead, and swinging a battle axe in one hand and a broadsword in the other.

A marauding Viking is a lot more fun and satisfying to watch, if you’re a pro-Viking partisan.  But the persuadable non-partisans are who we need to get, and they’re put off by battle axes.  (Insert your own Hillary joke here.)  I think Pence’s fencing is much more palatable for middle-of-the-road voters, to the extent that there are any of them left.

I found myself thinking that I’d like our candidate to be 70% Pence, and 30% Trump.  Trump is definitely the essential element – we need a bare-knuckle brawler who won’t try to appease the MSM and Dems (but I repeat myself), like every GOP candidate since Reagan.  But his flaws are the sort that turns off enough of the electorate and endangers his chances of getting re-elected, maybe fatally so.  (I so hope and pray that I’m wrong about that!) 

But the media coverage of the debate was an actual outrage, if any of us were still capable of being outraged at our laughably corrupt and incompetent MSM. 

Playing the gender card is almost as tired as playing the race card now, but that wasn’t going to stop Comma-la and her MSM support team from going all in on the “I’m a strong, strong woman… but the mild-mannered man was mean to me,” gambit.

I love the left’s gender double standards.  I’m sure you’ve heard the old line that, “If a man is aggressive he’s a strong person, but if a woman is aggressive, she’s a b**ch.” I think we must admit that there’s some truth to that, because many people (including many female people, I should point out) don’t react well to a super-assertive woman. 

On the other hand, you may have noticed that Trump’s personal style is pretty unpopular with a huge part of the population for the same reason, so it’s not like this is a cross that only females have to bear.

You might also notice that most conservatives appreciate a lot of very strong women very much: Thatcher, Golda Meir, Phyllis Schlafly, Kylie McEnany, many of our wives and mothers and daughters, etc.  So your stereotype is invalid.

But consider the double-standard the left applied to Mike Pence.  In last week’s column, I pointed out that the left claims to hate Trump for all of his crudeness, ego and aggression… yet they hate Pence too, even though he’s Trump’s polar opposite in personality.

It’s almost like the left just hates conservatives, no matter what flavor they come in!

Take leftist pseudo-journalist Nicolle Wallace, whose brilliant commentary on the debate included her assessment that “Pence appeared flaccid and anemic” and that he looked “limp and lame.”

You’re probably no Freudian psychologist.  But do you need to be one, to perceive that this little charmer might be missing something in her life?  And no, it’s not just a higher IQ.  (But yes, that too.)

(Speaking of Freud, the smartest thing he ever said was, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”  Unless Bill Clinton has it, and you’re a 22 year old intern spending time with him in the oval office. In which case, run for your life!) (And don’t turn your back on him.  Or your front either, I guess.) (Just RUN!) 

Can you imagine the outrage if someone applied the same kind of slimy insinuations to Nicolle Wallace?  If, for example, someone noted that she’s probably had a lot of life experience with “flaccid, limp and lame?”  But you’re never going to hear that kind of talk on the MSM — unless it is aimed at conservatives — because the only lefty standards are double standards.  They don’t flinch at hitting below the belt, and no blow is too low for them.

Speaking of which, Comma-la got her start in politics a long time ago — Yes, I went there! — and she has apparently learned nothing in the intervening decades.  Because she really had nothing substantive to say the entire night.  While Pence was giving concrete answers (we’ve got 5 companies working on vaccines, the first of which will be ready within a year of the pandemic’s onset, unemployment rates were record lows, etc.), she had an insulting mix of glittering but hollow banalities and outright lies.

Every politician routinely shades the truth and spins stories in the most advantageous way for them.  But when a candidate for high office can tell the kind of cartoonishly obvious lies that Comma-la told, it’s a devastating indictment of our media.

She rolled out the “Trump called white nationalists ‘good people on both sides’ line.  (It’s on video, you idiots: literally seconds later he said, “And I’m not talking about the white nationalists and neo-nazis, who should be condemned completely.”)  He didn’t call the virus a hoax, he called Dems’ treatment of it a hoax.  He has condemned white supremacists literally dozens of times, including (although clumsily) when Chris Wallace asked him to do it AGAIN.

On the other hand Comma-la and Joe have both promised – on video! — to ban fracking, and their official websites say they support the Green New Deal.  But she can look straight in the camera and lie about it, with nary a ripple.

Even worse was than her “lady of color speaks with forked tongue” tendency (#wemustneverstopmockinggrandmasquanto), was her obnoxiously simplistic talking down to people.  When she was trying to smear Trump because he is a real estate investor with mortgage balances, she said that he “owes and is in debt for $400 million.”

Then she turned toward the camera with the air of someone about to explain quantum physics to a musk ox with a learning disability, and said these words, which I swear I am not making up: “Just so everyone is clear, when we say in debt, it means you owe money to somebody.”

Whoa, whoa – slow down there, Poindexter!  Let me get my calculator and green eyes shades.  You’re saying that “debt” means money that you owe? 

Get me my contact at the Wall Street Journal, because I am going to break this story WIDE OPEN!

Almost unbelievably, Harris was even worse when she was ham-handedly dodging questions. 

Here’s a tip: When someone asks you repeatedly if you are going to pack the Supreme Court, and you avoid answering it, and the person repeats it one more time: “Would you please answer the question: IF ACB gets confirmed, are you and Joe Biden going to pack the Supreme Court to get your way?  

Your answer should NOT begin, “Let’s take a look at history.  In 1864…”

I would have gone full Kinison on her:  “NOOOO!  We can talk about 1864 until 2064, but right now you are running for office!  Will you pack the court or not?! SAY IT! SAY IT!!!”

What Mike Pence said – because he’s a courtly gentleman, unlike me – was “I’d like you to answer the question.”

And Mrs. Empty-skirt Smirkster said, “I’m speaking… I’m speaking…”

Ugh.  Never has the old political cliche been more true: anyone who votes for Joe and Comma-la should get what they asked for.  Good and hard!    

Rather than end on that grim note, I thought I’d mention two hilarious stories of ineducable leftists running their cities into the ground.

You may remember Portland mayor Ted Wheeler from when he encouraged a mob of peaceful leftist thug rioters to destroy his town, and then let them force him to slink away in shame after he tried to tell them how much he admired what they stood for, and then let them force him to move out of his luxury building because they threatened to burn it down if he stayed there.

So when I saw that Wheeler is trailing in his re-election bid, I thought to myself, “Maybe there’s hope for Portland yet.”  I know that they weren’t likely to elect a conservative, but I thought that at least there might still be some old fashioned, patriotic, blue-collar Dems around to vote in someone who is not clinically insane. 

But of course I was wrong.  Because the leading candidate is a piece of work called Sarah Iannarone, a charming little radical and self-described antifa-supporter – yeah, let that sink in — who wants to reduce the budget for the police.  Also, her campaign manager admits that he is a communist.  And yes, she wore a skirt to a rally that had pictures of leftist murderers Stalin, Mao and Che Guevara on it.

(If you are wondering why international socialist murderers have been given a pass, while national socialist murderers – pikers compared to Stalin and Mao in terms of victim body count —  are beyond the pale, I wonder that too.  Wear a Mao or Che shirt to the next arson-fest and you’ll get nods of approval.  But show up in an “I heart Himmler” shirt and everyone will give you the stink eye.  It doesn’t make sense!)

You’d think that no American city could out-do Portland in leftist, mouth-breathing malevolence.  But then Seattle says, “Hold my bong, and watch this.”

The Seattle city council recently voted to cut police funding this year by $3 million, eliminating as many as 100 cops.  But don’t worry, residents of Seattle who may not want to be victimized by a mob of violent, recidivist Biden-voters.  Because the city council has your back.  They have been “re-imagining policing,” and have come up with a worthy replacement for all of those cops. 

His name is Andre Taylor, and he is a recognized leader in his field.  In fact, he was featured in a documentary a few years back.  Was it a documentary on community policing, or maybe one on the “broken windows theory” of crime prevention?

It was not.  It was a little production called – I scheisse you not – “American Pimp.”  Because Andre Taylor is a pimp.  And Seattle has hired him for a salary of $150K a year to bring to Seattle residents some “alternatives to policing.”

That’s the left, people.  They elect America-hating loons, who then let armies of thugs vandalize and burn and loot their cities.  Then, when the air is filled with smoke and the streets are filled with rubble, they hire a pimp to fix things.

Andre Taylor’s hookers are exploited and desperate victims, and they deserve our sympathy and help.

But the voters of Portland and Seattle have done this to themselves, and they deserve to get what they asked for the same way Andre Taylor’s victims did: good and hard!

Avenatti/Musk Ox with a Learning Disability 2020!

More on the NBA, plus a few pre-debate thoughts (posted 10/7/20)

When I last checked in on the NBA, Game 2 of the Finals had set record low ratings.  And Americans who love their country had laughed heartily at the anti-white racist incompetents who run that league, and said, “You can’t get much lower ratings than that!   USA! USA!”

And the mensa members who own and play in the NBA said, “Hold my Tsingtao and watch this.”

Wait a minute.  I’m just getting a report in on my non-existent earpiece — which you wouldn’t be able to see even if it did exist, because this is a written column and not a broadcast – with breaking news from the NBA:  after getting the worst ratings ever in Game 2, the Game 3 numbers set a new record, losing another 105,000 viewers.

And now I will read the next screen from my non-existent teleprompter: HA! HAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

At this point I’m hoping that the series goes to 7 games, just to see how few people will still be around by the last game.  I’m guessing half of each players’ family members, and a small group of degenerate gamblers who will go double-or-nothing on Game 7 after a close loss on a Canadian curling match featuring Calgary vs. Saskatchewan.

Fun fact: the home crowd for Saskatchewan’s game – Go, Colorless Ice Brushers! – was nearly as white as Elizabeth Warren.  #wemustneverstopmockingher

A Breitbart story on the debacle has this salt-in-the-wound commentary:  “Mind you, this is a nearly 70% decline from last year’s Finals numbers which included a team from Canada. Not only that, unlike this year’s audience, last year’s audience was not on lockdown and did not include the game’s best player, LeBron James.”

I swear to you, I wrote the curling joke before I learned that a Canadian team was in last year’s finals.  (I haven’t been a big NBA fan since Jordan retired.)  Also, how can a Canadian team be called the “raptors,” which may be the least Canadian creature I can think of?!

The Daily Beast reports that Comma-la is going to attack Pence tonight on at least two grounds: the administration’s supposed failure on covid, and his homophobia.  Both of those charges are bad faith arguments – which by this point the elite left should have a copyright on.

The data on covid transmissions and death do not support any of the bomb-throwing accusations of the left.  In terms of death rates, the US ranks slightly below the average of the aggregate death rates of EU nations and Europe overall, but the way the left tells it, Trump has been uniquely terrible on responding to a pandemic that so far no one in the world has found a great way to deal with.

With the possible exception of Sweden. 

Inconveniently for the left, the Swedes have succeeded by doing what the GOP governors and Trump (to the extent that he has preached anything consistently) has said that we should do: protect the especially vulnerable, but don’t shut down your country and destroy your economy. 

A recent NR article showed graphs of the covid case and death rates in 13 US states, and they are all remarkably similar.  The deep blue, lock-down-at-all-costs states have had just about the same results as the red states – with the exception of those with idiot Dem governors who forced sick people back into nursing homes – which suggests that the economic devastation in those blue states has all been for naught.

The homophobia charge is equally specious.  Pence hasn’t made any homophobic speeches or pursued any homophobic policies, so this charge mostly comes down to, “We hate him because he’s an icky Christian.”

Has anyone else noticed the hypocritical irony on the left’s attitude toward sex in politics?  They hate Trump because he has been too open about really liking hot women, and they hate Pence because he has not been enthusiastic enough about liking hot men.  Also, they’ve got no problem with raping your subordinates (either with cigars or fingers, or – presumably – the old fashioned way) if you’re a Dem, but Pence is super evil because he doesn’t want to be alone in a room with a female to avoid the appearance of scandal. 

Anyway, I think Pence proves a consistent point about the national left’s hypocrisy for my entire lifetime.  They claim to hate the current GOP candidate because of his manifest flaws alone, while giving lip service to valuing a debate, and not being opposed to political disagreement.

This claim can at least seem logical when it comes to Trump; he has big flaws, and is everything they hate in a person, and so their claim that he is uniquely horrible rings true, from their point of view.

Until you consider that they equally hate every other GOP person of consequence. 

They claim to hate Trump because of his obnoxious ego and aggressiveness and uncontrolled appetites… but they also hate Pence, who is his polar opposite.  Where Trump jumps from wife to wife, Pence has not.   Where Trump is loud, Pence has been so quiet that after being the VP for almost four years, none of us could confidently recoqnize his voice in an aural line-up.  Where Trump is boisterous and undisciplined and gauche, Pence is controlled and sober and prudent.

They hate his guts anyway. 

They hated Reagan too, although now they compare every GOP candidate unfavorably to him.  They hated Bush 41 and Bush 43, but now they call the former a statesman, and the latter a non-Hitlerian fellow, contrary to their spittle-flecked arguments from 2000-2008.   McCain is now a noble victim, but in 2008 he was a mentally deranged wife-abandoner.  Romney is their favorite cuddly RINO, but in 2012 he was a homophobic dog-abuser who kept women in binders, or something. 

It sounds like Comma-la is going to add another chapter to their laughably dishonest hypocrisy tonight. 

But let me give Pence a bit of advice.  If the moderator asks you who your favorite living rapper is, don’t say Tupac.  Because he died a quarter century ago, and that answer will make you look like an idiot.

Instead, say Jay-Z.  And then say that you’ve got 99 problems, but Comma-la ain’t one.

I know that you don’t know what that means, but it will be funny.

Avenatti/LeBron 2020!

Random Thoughts (posted 10/5/20)

Here, in no particular order, are some of the things I’ve been thinking about lately.

First, you stay classy, leftist hate-mongers. 

If there are still any undecided voters out there – and great googly moogly, what does it take to make up your mind when the choices are this stark, for good and bad?! – I think it’s been instructive to watch the compassionate left’s reaction to Trump’s getting Covid. 

I understand it: we all love us some schadenfreude.  I’ve enjoyed watching Imhotep Pelosi getting some scheisse for traipsing mask-less through a salon after lecturing us about how not wearing a mask makes you a selfish pig.

I’ve enjoyed watching Cankles McPantsuit getting caught with her hoof in the Russian cookie jar after accusing Trump of colluding with the Russians with whom she was actually colluding. 

I’ve even celebrated the death of a few people.  The terrorist masterminds whom Trump took out with a drone in Iran, for example, and the antifa terrorists who tried to kill Kyle Rittenhouse and got righteously shot when it turned out that rifle beats skateboard. 

I’ve also made some jokes about some folks after their deaths, most recently RBG.   Were those jokes tasteless?  You can decide.  (Spoiler alert: no.) But they were jokes.

If you’ve seen any video or read any tweets from our leftist pols and celebrity “betters” lately, one thing is clear: these creeps ain’t joking.  They’re going full Hannibal Lecter, spewing hatred and bile, and they are dead serious. 

I hope the electorate is watching.

Second, I’m looking forward to Comma-la’s VP debate.  She has been flying under the radar in terms of how much she’s been hiding from the press, if only because no presidential candidate has ever hidden as much as Biden has been doing.   

And she has good reason to hide.  Because she is a terrible candidate.  I think people have forgotten what an early front runner in the Dem primaries she was, and we on the right under-estimate what a colossal feat it was for her to flame out so ignominiously.

Because we’re not a racist, identity-politics-obsessed mob like the far-left Dem base, we don’t appreciate the importance they place on which genitalia and skin color a candidate has.  But Comma-la was the only two-fer in the primaries. 

Pastor Pete had the gay, which was cancelled out by the white and male.  Spartacus had the black, which was cancelled out by the male and room-temperature IQ.  Bernie had the Jewish, but they don’t care for that particular minority on the left.  Marianne Williamson had the bat-guano looniness… but they all do.

Grandma Squanto had the female and the abrasiveness, but no amount of buckskin dresses and “crab a la Cherokee” recipes could disguise her blinding whiteness.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

But Comma-la had the femaleness and the quasi-blackness.  And she rode those enormous advantages to the dizzying heights of 7% in her home state’s Democrat primary polls, before dropping out. 

She wasn’t even able to convincingly play the race card against Joey Gaffes, the most colorless candidate since Edgar Winter ran for the Ontario school board.  (That little girl?  The one who made even leftists groan when she praised the universally hated practice of racialist bussing?  That little girl was Comma-la.)

And she hasn’t gotten any smarter.  A couple of weeks ago she had a softball interview during which she was asked questions that you would think were un-muffable.  And she muffed the hell out of them!

She kept referring to the late Supreme Court justice as “the notorious BIG.”  (Even I know that Biggie was a 300-pound black man, whom you wouldn’t think you could confuse with a 90-pound Jewish lady with the posture of a jumbo shrimp.) And when asked who her favorite living rapper is, she picked Tupac Shakur. 

Who died 24 years ago!     

Because a CO fan who works undercover in the entertainment industry is a source of mine, I also know some of Comma-la’s answers that didn’t make print.

For example, when asked to name her favorite living Italian politician, she picked Julius Caesar.  Her favorite living German leader?  Frederick Barbarossa.  Her favorite living American politician?  Joe Biden.


Third, you’ve probably seen the video of the female Trump-hater in traffic, who – when she saw some Trump supporters waving signs on the side of the road – engaged them in a trenchant debate, making many thoughtful points that, in their own small way, enriched our political dialogue.

HA! I kid!  She flipped them off and screamed incoherently.  Then she stuck her head out the window and gave them the double-bird, snarling in rage. 

Hilariously enough, her foot slipped off the brake pedal, and her car jumped forward and rear-ended an SUV in front of her.  Then she flipped off that driver – because how dare someone sit in their car in an orderly manner in front of Princess Rationality von Self-Control? 

And then the cops who had been sitting in traffic several vehicles behind her, walked up to her car to explain that 3rd degree D-baggery is actually a traffic offense in Texas.  

Reports that she is going to be one of the questioners during the confirmation hearings of the Glorious ACB are unconfirmed. 

Finally, the pigeons are coming home to roost for the America-hating goons in the NBA, and they are defecating all over the league’s profits. 

Game 1 of the NBA Finals last Wednesday featured two of the game’s most high-profile franchises (LA and Miami) and stars (LeBron and Anthony Davis).  And in a nation that is starved for sports after a months-long pandemic-induced sports drought, Game 1 drew only a 4.1 rating, and 7.4 million viewers, which was the lowest Finals game ratings since those ratings have been kept. 

To which the only compassionate response is HA! HAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

The NBA brain trust who had thought it was a good idea to encourage their whitey-hating players to insult America and cops and apple pie – while also taking time out to rhetorically fellate the brutal dictators in communist China – thought to themselves, “Okay.  The deplorable fans needed to get their little hissy fit out of their system.  I’m sure they’ll be back for Game 2 on Friday.”

You don’t need me to tell you what happened on Friday.  But I’m going to anyway, because I can’t wipe this smile off of my face. 

The 7.4 million Wednesday viewers dropped to 4.5 million on Friday, and the ratings slid to a 1.9.


To give you an idea of how bad that is, Game 2 was beaten out by the Home Shopping Network — who was running a four-hour feature on Electric Toothbrushes from Around the World – and the South Korean amateur soccer contest between the Seoul Dragons and the Incheon Inscrutable Cellists.  And that was a regular season game – not even the playoffs!  (The smart money there is on the Busan Moe-Haircuts, for those of you who trust your favorite bookie, Uncle Martacus.)

On the bright side, Game 2 did manage to just edge the “Watching Paint Dry Network.”

But that might be because they had a re-run from July that featured three consecutive hours devoted to “Semi-gloss on exterior window trim in intermittent sunshine.”  (The closed captioning for that program read, “And here we see the semi-gloss – I think the color is “ivory,” or perhaps “bone” — which has just been applied with a natural-bristle, 2.5-inch angled sash brush…” followed by “zzzzzzz” for the next two hours and 58 minutes.)

Hey LeBron, let me get my #2 pencil and my spiral notebook, so I can record your thoughts about how outraged I should be when a career criminal sexually assaults a woman and fights with the cops until they have to shoot him.

And don’t forget to lock up the gym when you idiots are done!

Avenatti/ Trump-hating, Bird-Flipping Driver Harpie  2020!