Best of Late May 2017

I took a very pleasant trip to Maine last week, but now I’m experiencing the downside of leaving the confines of Cautious Optimism for even a short time – the great and powerful CO has linked to and commented on some of the noteworthy stories that I wanted to comment on. Will I let that either daunt or deter me?

Consider me both undaunted and undeterred. So here goes…

1.Oh, Kathy Griffin, until now I thought we’d all remember you for… that show you were on. Or that thing that you did. Or that time you were with Anderson Cooper on that holiday extravaganza.

Who am I kidding? I barely know who you are. Dr. Krauthammer called you a D-list celebrity, but with an alphabet that goes all the way to Z, that seems overly generous.

But wow, I guess we all know who you are now.

So… congratulations?

I know, it probably seemed like a great idea at the time: “What could I do to get some attention for my alleged career? I’ve got it! I’ll imitate the worst jihadi scum in the world, by posing with what looks like the bloodied, severed head of my country’s president! How could that possibly go wrong?”

The best thing about that hideous display is how perfectly it sums up the attitude of much of the self-dramatizing, furious left. If the cliché that a picture is worth a thousand words is true, that photo of a dead-eyed Griffin holding a gruesome symbol of the left’s hatred should be the 2020 Democratic party platform.

One more thing. I am nothing if not a chivalrous gentleman, and as such, I am generally loath to criticize a woman’s appearance. (Also, I’m not exactly movie-star handsome myself, so I don’t want to throw any disembodied heads from within my own glass house.) Therefore, I will not lower myself to point out that in Ms. Griffin’s photo, the bloodied, disfigured Trump mask was not the least attractive visage in the frame.

In fact, the same would be true if she held Tiger Wood’s unflattering mugshot in her other hand.

2. A couple of weeks ago I mocked the geniuses at Planned Parenthood for picking Mother’s Day as a perfect occasion to promote their campaign to eradicate motherhood. And you probably thought to yourself, “Simpson is right.“ (“Again!” you really should have added. “It’s uncanny how right he is. I should sell all that I have, and follow him.”) “No creepy leftist organization could ever pick a less appropriate holiday to spout their particular brand of offensiveness.”

But you would have been wrong. Because the super-geniuses at Vox picked Memorial Day as the perfect time to publish an article entitled, “The Marine Corps has a toxic masculinity problem.” The article discusses the recent scandal in which Marines have distributed nude pictures of females, both Marines and civilians. (And by the way, in the last two weeks I’ve seen angry leftist publications refer to both whiteness and masculinity as “toxic.” I’m beginning to think they really don’t like some of us.)

I do not condone those Marines’ behavior, and what they did is undeniably wrong. But talk about missing the point! It’s Memorial Day, when a lot of us weirdos who love our country and appreciate what our military has done to protect everything and everyone we have and love (and to save the world a few times over the last century), are feeling grateful to our soldiers.

And that’s the day you choose to excoriate them? Can you not take off one day a year – make that two, if Veteran’s Day isn’t too big of an ask – from your spiteful insistence on focusing on the flaws of our country and those who defend it?

Can you imagine if these idiots had been in charge during World War II? Instead of flying bombing runs over Germany, half of our B-17s would be in the shop, being re-painted. (Google “World War II Airplane Nose Art” and behold the saucy art that would launch a thousand court martials in today’s military.)

If the left had its way, we’d have either no military at all, or the tiniest p.c. force possible. If we ever were attacked (spoiler alert, drawn from the entirety of human history: we would be attacked), we’d end up fielding an army of metrosexuals and pajama boys, led by Brigadier General Chelsea Manning. And a clever enemy would send an elite platoon of Victoria’s Secret Models wearing nothing but stripper heels and g-strings and carrying pistols to capture our capitol, safe in the knowledge that our troops would not even notice them.

3. At the risk of giving you topic-change-induced whiplash, Mad Dog Mattis produced the quote of the year, so far. Toward the end of an interview on all things military, he was asked a familiar question: “What keeps you awake at night?”

In the old days, the commander in question was supposed to answer something like, “The Nazis’ development of the V2 rocket.” Or “The kamikaze attacks on our navy.” Or “IEDs and suicide bombers around Fallujah.” If the commander was an Obama appointee, s/he was supposed to say, “Climate change.” Or “Islamophobia.” Or “The evil 1%.” Or “The idea that some of our troops like thinking about naked women.”

Mad Dog went full Heisenberg, saying, “Nothing. I keep other people awake.”

I’m not ashamed to say it: I love that man. And if you think that Hillary Clinton would have appointed someone like him in a million years, you’re out of your mind.

4. The day before a Montana house seat election, Republican candidate Greg Gianforte body slams a leftist reporter, punches him, and breaks his glasses. And wins the race by 6 points.

I’ll admit that this story gives me mixed emotions. Emotions like glee. Then satisfaction. Then big guffaws that make me run out of breath, and then wipe tears from my eyes. Then more glee.

Then, finally, consternation.

Okay, it’s not funny that that GOP dope showed so little self-control. And violence isn’t justified in that context. The reporter wasn’t even being obnoxious, as reporters go, and that incident does not bode well for the new congressman’s behavior in office.

And, seriously, we can’t go around justifying violence against our political opponents just because we find them irritating. (That would make us no better than all of the Democrats on all of the college campuses in the entire country. And if that comparison doesn’t make us ashamed, it should.)

However, I do enjoy knowing that one contributing factor to Gianforte’s win was that Montana has voting rules that allow people to vote very early, so that by the time the body slam happened, about 2/3 of the votes had already been cast.

I’m old school on this question. As much as I enjoy the convenience of voting early, I don’t think it’s a good idea. I’d like to see us tighten voting rules: more stringent voter ID requirements, more vigorous prosecution of those who cheat, and no absentee or early voting, except for those on active duty in the military.

The Dems are opposed to all of that. They like motor voter and stupid “vote or die” campaigns, they resist voter id laws and wink at illegals voting, and they have a huge advantage in dead voters. So it’s a little funny to see them reap what they sow when a GOP goofball acts the fool on election eve… but too late!

5. Finally, Anthony Weiner put his old apartment up for rent, at the bargain price of $12K a month. The listing disappeared after only 1 day, which either means that someone snapped it up (in which case, ewwww), or else someone had second thoughts and pulled the listing. (And I’m noticing how hard it is – oops – to write anything about that Dem without it sounding dirty. My first draft of the previous sentence: “Weiner may have pulled the listing on his unit.” I know.  But you try it, if you think this is so easy.)

I’m not sure what to think, except that that is one ambitious real estate agent. I’ve heard that houses where something bad has happened often carry a stigma, and must be discounted in order to sell.

And if I could put myself in the position of someone who wanted to live in NYC (no thank you), and who had $12K a month to spend on rent (nope), I still can’t picture moving in to Chez Weiner. (Worst restaurant in the tri-state area, by the way.)

Once the real estate agent told me what went on there, I’d be asking questions such as, “Don’t you have any places where a guy went nuts and killed his whole family and then himself to show me?” or “Did the Manson family ever live in a midtown 3-bedroom that I could take a look at?”

But in a deep blue state, someone is probably out there who would pay a premium for the place last called home by Carlos Danger. (By the way, say what you will about the guy, but a 12-year-old me, trying to think of a cool pseudonym to use when I grew up and became a spy, would have KILLED to have arrived at “Carlos Danger.” “Danger,” I’d say to one of the Jr. High cheerleaders whose cigarette I would be suavely lighting, “Carlos Danger.” Or maybe, “Carlos is the name, and Danger is my game.” And then I’d brace myself, so I could catch all of the sophisticated 14-year-old girls who would be throwing themselves at me. But, to give me some credit, I would not be texting them when I was 38.)

Anyway, there’s just no way to explain the way leftists think: Huma is reportedly taking Carlos back, for example.

So, to sum up what we’ve learned about leftist thought today: You shouldn’t punch a reporter, but pretending to behead a president is fine, if you think he’s really icky. Also, Ted Kennedy leaves his date to drown, Bill Clinton uses his intern as a humidor, and Anthony Weiner spends his adult life being Anthony Weiner.

But the Marines are the ones who have a problem with toxic masculinity.

Got that?

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