More than other holidays, Memorial Day always has some contradictory tension within it. Just as some funerals have a “celebration of life” intermixed with the mourning, Memorial Day is both an upbeat three-day weekend marking the beginning of summer, and a somber remembrance of those whose sacrifice makes all of our happy seasons possible.
Once upon a time, Memorial Day was an occasion for all Americans to set aside their petty grievances and politics, and patriotically honor our war dead. And you can call me an optimistic dreamer, but I still think that’s the case for the vast majority of us.
But the far-left has got to far-left, 24/7, and 365. Hence a few telling headlines about a couple of insane Democrat candidates on this holiday weekend.
First up was everybody’s favorite Nazi-tattoo enthusiast, Maine Senatorial candidate Graham Platner, whose entire past on social media seems to have consisted of the grossly offensive and the sexually perverse.
He’s lately come under fire for a video he recorded in 2019, during which he mocked an American soldier who received a Purple Heart after being wounded in a firefight with the Taliban in 2012. Platner enjoyed the video, stating, “This video never gets old. Dumb [mf-er] didn’t deserve to live,” and going on to call the soldier a “[stupid] mouthbreather” and mocking his “fat ass wheezing” after he’d been shot four times.
When a reporter asked him if he wanted to apologize for his creepy criticism of his fellow soldier (Platner did four combat tours himself), Platner offered a defiant non-sequitur in his defense: “Any attempt to say I disrespect veterans is slanderous and offensive. Do you know how many of my friends have Purple Hearts?”
Um, what? So you’re saying that mocking an American soldier as a wheezing, stupid, mouth-breathing, dumb MF’er is…respectful? And because you have friends with Purple Hearts, you felt like it was appropriate to say that another Purple Heart recipient didn’t deserve to live?
Yikes! Though I never thought I’d be offering media coaching to a communist Nazi – did I not mention that he’s also called himself a communist? – he can have this advice for free:
If someone offers you the chance to apologize for past comments that make you look like an evil scumbag…you should take that chance, and apologize, and then shut your mouth before you say something else stupid. Like criticizing rape victims, or rhapsodizing about how you get aroused by the smell of a porta-potty. (Yep. Those are other actual things this genius actually said. Great job, Democrats!)
But lest you think Platner is the only creepy leftist running for office this year, let me introduce you to Mai Vang, a leftist Sacramento city council member who is running for Congress. The daughter of Hmong immigrants, Vang is doing her best to undermine the stereotype that Asians are really smart. She definitely doesn’t seem to have gotten the hang of this whole “assimilation” thing.
Because Vang has bragged about repeatedly refusing to say the Pledge of Allegiance, and she routinely turns her back on the American flag when other council members say the pledge.
On the bright side, at least Mai Vang is no Fang Fang, in that as far as we know, she has not lowered herself to sleeping with Eric Swalwell (shudder) on behalf of the Chicom government.
On the other hand, she is reportedly in a dead heat with her Democrat incumbent rival, and at least slightly ahead of her Republican opposition. Because: California! (Great job again, Democrats!)
I would be remiss if I didn’t comment on my favorite enjoyable read of the last week. I’m speaking, of course, of the “autopsy” of the 2024 campaign that was put out by the Democrat National Committee and it’s boss, Ken Martin.
Martin had earlier shelved the report, but after a lot of internal criticism, he finally released it…and then backpedaled away like JB Pritzker at a salad bar. You know things are bad when the leader of your party releases your party’s take on your party’s most recent presidential performance this way:
“I am not proud of this product; it does not meet my standards, and it won’t meet our standards. I don’t endorse what’s in this report, or what’s left out of it.”
Holy moly! That’s the guy who commissioned it! And that’s the PR “sizzler reel” introduction to it! I thought that the document could not possibly be that bad, and figured that maybe it told some uncomfortable truths that the Democrats naturally didn’t want to face up to. But NOPE!
I sat down to read it. Annndd…then I saw that it was 192 pages. So I read a summary of it, and coverage of it, and reactions to it. And it actually did live down to my expectations, given the absurd idea that a thoroughly disingenuous organization like the DNC would even pretend to be putting out an autopsy of their last campaign, when they never undertook the much more urgent task of doing an autopsy of their last President.
Because the miserable term of Joe Biden was the perfect representation of the old fable, “The Emperor’s New Casket.”
Sorry. I meant “clothes.”
Or did I?
Either way, in this case, the only ones who thought the old guy was either clothed or alive were his sycophants and leftist co-religionists. Meanwhile, the rest of the nation played the role of the truth-telling little kid in the original tale. We all stood there and pointed, as Joey Gaffes tripped over his fourth sandbag of the day, saying, “That’s guy’s as dead as Julius Caesar!”
Anyway, we usually see the word “autopsy” in one of two situations: when we are curious to learn how someone has passed, especially when there might be mystery involved, or when foul play is suspected in someone’s demise.
And neither mystery nor foul play was involved in the spectacular implosion of the late Cadaver, and his understudy the Cackler. The reason that Joe couldn’t go on and finish the campaign became hilariously obvious in that infamous debate, which to my mind was an amusing new take on the famous Monty Python “Dead Parrot” sketch.
In this version, Trump played the role of John Cleese, the leftist media and Democrat party played the role of the dishonest shopkeeper who sold Cleese a clearly deceased parrot, and Biden had the starring role of the Parrot.
I mean, you can’t picture Trump using the stuffy British verbiage of, “This candidate has ceased to be. He’s run down the curtain, and joined the choir invisible.” But put it into Trumpy, American English, and the similarities are uncanny.
Biden: (swaying at the podium, looking down, giving a final death rattle/mumble) …finally beat Medicare… (dies)
Leftist Meretrix (LM) posing as a neutral moderator: What’s your response, Mr. Trump?
Trump (looking at the top of Biden’s liver-spotted, hair-plug-infested skull as he’s slumped over the podium): What? What do you-? He’s dead.
LM: What are you talking about? He’s only resting.
Trump (incredulous): Resting?! Before he was Sleepy Joe. Now he’s Flatline Joe.
LM: Your childish nicknames are offensive. Show the President some respect.
Trump: Show him– Someone should be PAYing him their respects. He’s as dead as Rosie is fat!
LM: That sexism is very insulting!
Trump: You know what’s really insulting? Running a dead guy for president.
LM: He is NOT dead. He’s just gathering his thoughts.
Trump: Gathering…? He barely had any thoughts when he was alive!
LM: He’s just pining for Scranton.
Trump: I knew you losers were the fake news, but you’ve got to be kidding me. Look. (Trump leans over to Biden and yells.) “HEY JOE! Hunter’s here. He got his laptop back, and he’s got a big bag of cash for you. You know where it’s from? CHI-NA!” (He lifts Biden’s dead, empty head up, and then lets it drop back to the podium.) He’s gone.
Flop-sweating Biden aide, from just off stage: He’s got a cold!
Trump: He’s gone. And we couldn’t do nothing about it.
LM: What are you talking about?
Trump: I’m doing that scene with DeNiro in Good Fellas, when he finds out Joe Pesci got shot, instead of getting made. Boy, that was back when DeNiro was a great actor. Before he turned into a crazed, Trump-hating lunatic. He’s got TDS! They call it Trump Derangement Syndrome. Worst case I’ve ever seen. Sad.
Biden aide: He’s just tired from his trip to Europe!
Trump (shaking his head): You mean the trip he took two weeks ago? (to the moderator) Do you believe this? I’m busy making America great again, 24 hours a day. “Twenty-four/seven,” we call it. And this guy sleeps for 10 hours on Air Force one, wanders around Europe for a couple of days, poops on the Pope, and then stumbles back up the staircase into the plane…
LM: He reassured our allies–
Trump: He fell UP the stairs, sweetheart! Not just once or twice, either. He kept falling, and bouncing from side to side. (Trump mimics a staggering octogenarian.) Bing, bong. Bing, bing bong. He just kept falling. I’m telling you, people were laughing at him. The Europeans were laughing!
Biden aide: He took some cold medicine, and that makes people drowsy!
Trump: On, come on! That’s what you want people to believe? He doesn’t have a cold, he’s got rigor mortis! (He turns to the moderator, raising both hands in frustration, playing to the camera.) First it’s “Russia Russia Russia,” and now it’s, “He’s on cold medicine! He’s sharp as a tack!” (He turns back to Biden’s corpse, and shakes it by the shoulder.) “Is that it, Sleepy? Is it the cold medicine?”
Biden’s lifeless body slowly leans to the side, then falls to the floor in a graceless heap.
Silence in the studio. The moderator coughs quietly, as every Democrat campaign hack in the green room fights the urge to vomit. Finally, one small, choked voice says, “I guess we’ve got to replace him.”
Democrat Hack (DH) 2: With who?! The election is in, like, a hundred days.
DH 3: You know who it’s got to be.
DH 4 (horrified): Don’t say it!
DH 3: She’s a black woman. The base would crucify us if we didn’t—
DH 2: Shut up!
DH 3: Who would you put up? A white male?!
DH 4: Maybe a gay one?
DH 1: Not Pot-hole Pete?!
DH 4: Is that gay slang? Because I don’t like gay slang.
DH 2: Shut UP!
DH 3: Gay doesn’t beat female AND black! (Swallows hard.) It’s got to be Kamala.
DH 2: I’m going to be sick!
DH 4: If she says anything about “seeing what can be, unburdened by what has been” I’m going to (shudders) buy a gun, and then kill myself with it.
And, scene.
Anyway, I don’t want to spoil the ending of the DNC “autopsy” for you, so I’ll just tell you the best part.
They don’t even MENTION the two most catastrophic political blunders of the last century: hiding Biden from the public while they tried to drag his demented arse across the finish line until the 11th hour, and then installing the most off-putting, least articulate DEI hire with a ten-cent head in the history of politics in his place.
I’m not making that up. They did an autopsy on a terrible campaign without mentioning the two electoral boat anchors at the top of the ticket!
It’s like trying to tell the story of Washington’s crossing of the Delaware without mentioning the boat.
Or telling about Lincoln’s assassination without mentioning Ford’s Theater, or the gun, or John Wilkes Booth!
It’s hard to predict how the GOP could hold on to the House majority. But it’s also hard to see how this year’s version of the Odd Couple – starring the Nazi and the America-hating Hmong! – is going to do much better than last year’s “The Emperor’s New Casket.”
Great job, Democrats! I’m sure that you would like to echo the head of the DNC, and say, “We’re not proud of this product.”
And, in a little Memorial Day miracle, we all agree.
Que Mala/Crockett ‘28!
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Martin Simpson 