It’s been a good news/bad news kind of week. But fortunately, most of the bad news has been happening to people who deserve it.
First up, it was a bad week for some poachers in South Africa. At a sprawling private ranch called the Sibuya Game Preserve (and by the way, if you haven’t heard Sibuya’s duet with Beyonce, you really owe it to yourself to give it a listen), the owners have been plagued by poachers illegally killing game. But last week, the lions got on the board.
In a story reported on Hot Air, Sibuya staff “came upon convincing evidence that at least three poachers had sneaked into the sprawling preserve to kill wildlife illegally.”
What kind of evidence, you ask? In addition to various guns and ammo, the staff – who, judging from the following quotes, should be granted honorary Texas citizenship immediately – “found three pairs of mostly empty shoes and assorted human body parts.”
Mostly empty shoes?! I’m thinking: foot with calf attached in one, foot by itself in another, and three toes in yet another. And the other little piggies went “wee, wee, wee, all the way home.”
If by “home” you mean “into the belly of a lion.”
You go, lions!
Speaking of Texans, you might have missed the story of the Dallas carjacker who picked the wrong woman to mess with. A Dallas African-American mother named Michelle Booker-Hicks parked her SUV at a gas station and went inside. Local criminal genius Ricky Wright, 36, jumped into the SUV and tried to steal it. Booker-Hick’s two kids – 2 and 4 – were in the back seat, so she jumped in with him.
According to a Dallas Morning News story – which I am currently having laminated and intend to hang on my new office wall — “She told the man her children were in the back seat and to pull over, but he didn’t listen.”
You know how women can sometimes get irritated when a man doesn’t listen? So does the Dallas Morning News, which continues, “When the man didn’t stop, she pulled a gun from the glove box and shot him in the head, police said. The vehicle then crashed into a utility pole.”
I’ll bet it did.
In an interview with a local tv station, Booker-Hicks said, “”I should have just have emptied the whole clip but I didn’t. I didn’t. I just wanted to give him a warning shot.”
I love this woman! In case you’ve forgotten, she shot him IN THE HEAD! Where do you think she would have shot him if he hadn’t heeded her subtle warning?
Quick question from the Texas citizenship test (which I am just now making up): When being victimized by a criminal, where should you fire a warning shot?
- Guns are barbaric. I would use a combination of sweet reason and stern language.
- Into the air.
- Into the criminal’s head.
Answer key: If you chose A, you fail. Go back to your blue state and continue to ruin it. If you chose B, you’re on the right track. But is a shot that doesn’t hit someone really a “warning?” If you chose C, welcome to Texas.
Addendum: Wright’s head is apparently as full of cement as you might have guessed, because he survived being shot in the head, and is currently facing several charges.
It was also a bad week for the bonehead censors at Facebook. Though they often can’t be bothered to delete any vile, slanderous material posted by BLM or Occupy Wall Street or the DNC, they are really on top of dangerous “right wing” posts. So when a Texas newspaper posted a morally questionable, offensive document, the censors leapt into action, labeling it “hate speech” and taking it down.
The bad news: that document was an excerpt from the Declaration of Independence! Perhaps the greatest written document of all time – my marriage certificate, my daughters’ birth certificates, and the Gutenberg Bible are other leading contenders – apparently triggered the censors.
Granted, the offensive portion had the phrase “merciless Indian savages” in it. But the Founders can be defended on several grounds for that line:
1.It was the 18th century, a time when speech about all ethnic groups featured a few more rough elbows. In fact, two centuries later, when a young me was in 3rd grade, I remember watching commercials for a popular snack food that featured a little ditty about “the Frito Bandito.” If you haven’t seen that, go to Youtube immediately. I’ll wait.
See what I mean? The sombrero, the six guns, the accent. The reliance on theft of snacks as a lifestyle choice of the Mexican community. And that was the 1970s, not the 1770s!
- Did you hear what some of those tribes were getting up to in the 18th century? There was plenty of mercilessness and savagery to go around on the frontier. #notallIndians
Facebook did manage an apology on July third, and it started out with the words, “It looks like we made a mistake…”
Speaking of merciless non-savages, Liz Warren also had a rough week. In his speech in Montana, Trump called her out yet again, offering to pay a charity of her choice $1 million if she’ll take a DNA test and it shows any Indian ancestry. Warren offered some lame comeback, the gist of which was she doesn’t need no stinking DNA test.
Dad joke trigger warning alert. 3….2….1.
Apparently she has reservations about the whole project. Boom! #wemustneverstopmockingher
In the only truly bad news example from today’s list, a lot of patriotic Americans (and maybe some America-loving foreigners, too) had their Fourth of July trip to the Statue of Liberty ruined by a narcissistic leftist virtue-signaler who climbed the statue as part of an anti-Trump protest.
Theresa Okoumou immigrated here from the Congo at least a decade ago, and to show her gratitude to her adopted home, has a long history of protesting how awful America is. In response to her stunt, NYPD staged a mass evacuation of Liberty Island, screwing up the plans of hundreds of people who wanted to visit the statue on the Fourth.
This story might explain some of the quality of life differences between NYC and Texas. When the cops first got up to her, according to a NY Post story, “We started engaging in a dialogue of why she was up there,” said ESU cop Brian Glacken, one of two officers who ascended the ladder. “She was basically up there about the children in Texas. At first she wasn’t friendly with us, but we took our time to get a dialogue with her, to get her to trust us. That took a while.”
Now, picture that happening in Texas: Congolese malcontent climbs onto the Alamo and starts protesting. Texas Ranger shows up. Passersby ask the Ranger, “Are you going to close the Alamo for the day while you establish a friendly dialogue with her?”
As he pulls his six-shooter from the holster, he says, “No ma’am. I’m going to open the dialogue in the traditional Texas way.”
“You mean, with a warning shot to the head?”
The ungrateful Congolese jerk jumps to the ground, and sprints to the nearest bus station to get a ticket to NYC. Problem solved.
Finally, you may have read recently about the most metaphorically perfect symptom of what happens when the Left single-handedly runs a city for several generations. I’m speaking, of course, of the infamous San Francisco “poop map” – a guide to the ever-increasing locations throughout the city where you might step into some human waste as you take your evening stroll.
This past week, that story has taken a bit of a twist, in the form of a clear plastic bag of approximately 20 pounds of human waste that was left on a street corner in San Francisco. Even jaded local residents noticed. “I wouldn’t say this is typical,” said a two-year area resident in an online forum, which I am honestly not making up. “I can’t say I’ve seen anything like that. I’ve seen open feces, smeared feces. I commend whoever put it in a bag. It could have been much worse.”
I think that would have to be the best definition I’ve ever seen of “defining deviancy down.” Local leftists now have apparently said, “Okay. We’ve accepted that we’re going to be living knee-deep in human waste. But let’s have some pride, and at least put it in a bag.”
Oddly enough, when city services personnel arrived to dispose of it, they found a circle of SF citizens standing around, talking to the bag. Several were complaining about Trump’s immigration enforcement, while others vented their spleen about the evil 1%, and about Trump’s upcoming Supreme Court nomination.
It took the city workers 10 minutes of patient explanation to convince the onlookers that the entity to which they were complaining was not, in fact, Nancy Pelosi. “I understand your confusion,” one man in a fluorescent vest explained, as he stood with his palms outstretched in a calming gesture. “But this really is a bag of human excrement. Really.”
One local, wearing an “I’m with Her!” t-shirt, squinted at the pile, and slowly began to nod her head. “Oh, yeah. I was wondering why she was wearing a bag.”
“Hey,” an excited man on the edge of the crowd said, as he pointed across the street. “There’s Dianne Feinstein! Let’s go demand that she resist Trump’s ripping of children from their mothers’ arms!”
As the crowd began to run across the street, another city worked called out, “That’s another mound of human crap!” The disappointed throng pulled up short, and looked around aimlessly. One dispirited member pointed farther down the street. “I guess that’s just another pile of s**t?”
One of the city workers followed his gesture. “No, that’s Jerry Brown.”
The crowd rallied, and tore off down the street.
Before you laugh at them, let me ask you a few questions: Would a bag of crap ever raise your taxes? Would a bag of crap declare your city to be a sanctuary city for illegals? Would a bag of crap try to make you feel guilty about how much you earn, and how many taxes you pay, even though it paid none at all?
See? Maybe it’s time you considered getting on the bandwagon: #bagofcrapforcongress2018.