Lefties with Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome, and a Sex Offender with Horns in his Head (posted 2/1/19)

So we’ve all survived the January during which the Dems took over the House.  I’d like to look back and mock some people, but there is one truly sad thing to discuss first: the Democrats’ shocking move toward the extreme left on abortion.

Only a decade or so ago, the mainstream Left mantra on abortion was that it should be “safe, legal and rare.”  That was always a self-contradictory idea – what other medical procedure would you apply that to?  Tattooing?  Cosmetic surgery?  Kidney donation?

Yes, all of those should be safe and legal.  But then, why “rare?”

“Rare” was at least a nod toward the morally problematic nature of abortion, even if only in the most tangential, watered-down way.

Mainstream Dems also talked about abortion in qualified, carefully calibrated terms, focusing on extremely unusual situations: cases of rape, incest, or when delivery would endanger the life of the mother.

Sure, that talking point was hypocritical.   Rape and incest account for a vanishingly small number of abortions, and the “mother’s health” label was meant to suggest one thing – the very rare cases in which delivery truly threatened health – but in effect expanded to include “mental health,” which was then stretched to apply to any mother who suggested that having a child would be  at least slightly stressful for her.

Spoiler alert: having kids is stressful.  I’ve got two wonderful daughters, and along with love and pride and joy, they’ve caused my wife and I some stress.  (But the oldest is in her 87^th trimester, and the youngest is in her 68^th, so it’s probably too late to change our minds now, even for the Dems I’m about to write about.)

But as the old saying goes, “Hypocrisy is the tribute vice pays to virtue.”

Unfortunately, the elite Left can no longer be bothered to feign even a passing acquaintance to virtue when it comes to abortion.

Consider 3 examples:

1.Andrew Cuomo (of the abortion-enthusiast “Catholic” Cuomos) recently signed a far-left bill guaranteeing that women can get third-term abortions.  Added bonuses: you no longer have to be a doctor to perform abortions in New York state, and if you decide to beat a pregnant woman badly enough that she loses her baby, you can’t be charged with a crime against that baby.

Because the baby was not a baby, understand?  Thank you, Party of Science™!

To add to the tragic idiocy, Cuomo had the World Trade Center illuminated with pink lights to celebrate the passage of this ghoulish bill, and a bunch of leftist creeps gave the announcement a standing ovation.

2. Virginia Democrat Kathy Tran was caught in a high profile gaffe. I am using the political definition of “gaffe:” when someone is caught accidentally telling the truth.

Tran was supporting a bill that would allow abortions up to the moment before birth.  When the GOP majority leader asked her if her bill would allow such an abortion, if a mother and her doctor agreed on mental health reasons, she hesitated.  He clarified, by asking what if the mother was in labor.

And Tran said that yes, the bill would allow that.

As you would imagine, narrow-minded Americans who are against infanticide – call them crazy deplorables if you must – expressed what some might call “horror,” and Tran was caught up in a firestorm.

Within a few days, she tried a classic political correction.  When someone pointed out that she had answered the hypothetical question with a “yes,” Tran got a chance to correct the record: “I should have said: ‘Clearly, no, because infanticide is not allowed in Virginia, and what would have happened in that moment would be a live birth.’”

First, you’ve got to love that: “What I meant by ‘yes,’ was actually ‘no.’”  Got it?

Second, anyone willing to risk being called either a traitor to her gender or a mansplainer might respond:  A. If this bill passed, infanticide WOULD be allowed in Virginia, and B. That hypothetical would not involve a “live birth,” since the baby would not have made it outside yet.

Because the extreme left argument seems to be that the birth canal is a magic tube, and passing through it (preferably while a person in the room chants an ancient Druidian incantation) mystically confers personhood.  And since Tran’s hypothetical involved a baby who hadn’t yet made it through the magic tube, there is no infanticide.

Again, thank you, Party of Science™!!

3. Fortunately for K-Tran, leftist mansplaining Democrat Governor Ralph Northam rode to the rescue.

Unfortunately for her, he was no more able than she was to square the moral circle.  In fact, he made things even worse – something I wouldn’t have thought possible, after Little Miss “Yes-means-No” had shared her wisdom.

When asked about Tran’s now-infamous answer, he hemmed.  Then he hawed.  Then he harrumphed, and cleared his throat, and babbled for a bit.

Then, because he is a pediatric neurologist who must have thought that “pediatric” meant “foot doctor,”  (So close!), he stuck his foot deeply in his mouth:“[Third trimester abortions are] done in cases where there may be severe deformities, there may be a fetus that’s non-viable.”

Yes and no.  I would guess that many late term abortions MIGHT result (note Northam’s repetition of “may” rather than “must”) from discovering that a fetus had severe problems that would make him or her non-violable.  But there’s nothing in this law – or in laws as proposed and executed (so to speak) by the far left in other states – that requires such a cause.

Northam continues, “So in this particular example, if a mother is in labor, I can tell you exactly what would happen. The infant would be delivered. The infant would be kept comfortable. The infant would be resuscitated if that’s what the mother and the family desired, and then a discussion would ensue between the physicians and the mother.”

Yikes!  Read that again.  The infant would be delivered.  The infant would be kept comfortable.  THEN a discussion would ensue?!

What would the discussion be about, Dr. Mengele?  The weather?  What kind of bullpen the Yankees have this year?  Whether the infant is likely to identify with the gender that corresponds to its genitalia?

Tragically, from the elite Left’s perspective, Dr. Northam’s mistake wasn’t the obvious moral one of considering whether we ought to hold a pillow over the infant’s face until it stops that annoying crying.

It was the political mistake of calling the “tissue mass” an “infant.”  Three times!

(And maybe the scientific mistake of not acknowledging the mystical work performed by the infant’s passing through the magic tube.  Hooray for Science!™)

This is so depressing that if I didn’t laugh at these people, I’d have to cry.

But to all of my friends who usually vote Democrat, please consider whether your party has left you on this issue.  Because if you find yourself giving a standing ovation to late-term abortions, or lighting up public buildings to celebrate them, it might be gut-check time.

 

Ugh.  How about a change of topic to something more cheerful, like an incompetent sex offender story?  (He said, in a deftly skillful transition.)

Meet Arturo Martinez, a sex offender with horns in his head who was trying to lure an under-aged female into his house so that he could allegedly assault her.   I don’t want to provide a link — in case you are enjoying a meal while you are reading this column – but you can Google it pretty easily.  I mean, how many sex offender freakazoids with surgically implanted horns in their heads can be running around out there?

Wait – don’t answer that.  Let’s just assume that if you come across one story like this, that’s the guy I’m talking about.

There’s a nice mugshot of him in the story, and he’s exactly what you would expect: well-groomed, leading man good looks, appears to be someone who may have given Idris Elba and me a run for our money in our hotly contested campaign for People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive 2018 award.  (Don’t bother looking through the back issues: I narrowly lost, and I’m as shocked about it as you are.)

HA!  I kid.

He actually looks like the kind of guy whom you can picture saying, “You know what will improve my chances with the gals?  Intentional facial disfiguration and surgically implanted skull horns!”  (By the way, last year at Coachella I saw Intentional Facial Disfiguration open for Surgically Implanted Skull Horns.  Killer show!)

Anyway, this guy’s look:  grotesquely elongated earlobes from wearing those mini-ear-frisbees in them, unnatural holes in his upper ears, and in his cheeks.  And oh, yeah… he’s also got horn-like protrusions in his mid-forehead, and four or more short metal rods sticking out of his head above those.

So, yeah, I’m not going to be giving him my blessing if he decides to propose to one of my daughters.

The story is grim, but I’m not going to dwell on the details.  Instead, as part of my Mr. Bright Side campaign, I’m going to find the silver lining on this particular human dark cloud.

And that is: thank God that most criminals are so incredibly stupid.

If you were a results-oriented criminal-American go-getter whose primary goal was to lure females into your house, wouldn’t you want to make yourself look as non-threatening and benign as possible?  I think of a Ted Bundy, who kept himself well-groomed, and got a fake cast to play on the nurturing/helping instincts of potential female victims.  Or a Bill Clinton, who posed as a US president to lure women into his big, white house.

But this guy is no Ted Bundy.  He’s not even (to drop a few standard deviations further down the IQ scale), a Ted Danson.

This Dating Game winner had a bunch of repulsive holes punched into his vaguely porcine face, then had some metal rods and subcutaneous horns implanted in his big, evil head.

Because nothing gets the ladies to drop their defenses like a guy who looks like he just stepped out of a Grimm’s fairy tale.

Also, assuming that he somehow did successfully assault someone, do you think he’s going to be able to lay low afterwards?  I picture the police having a news conference, “We’re asking the public to help us find the suspect, who is described as being white, bald and ugly, with horns and little metal spikes sticking out of—“

Annnnnddd the officer’s voice is drowned out by the instant ringing of every phone in the building.

I always think the same thing when I see some gangbangers being perp-walked into an arraignment.   I wish I could be in the crowd of bystanders and heckle those idiots, “Hey Luis, way to keep a low profile!”

Then the Democrat-voting (I’m guessing) offender would glare at me and snarl, “How did you know my name, homes?” (Which is what I assume he’d say, because I get all my information about the Hispanic underworld from watching crime shows on network tv.)

And I’d say, “Because it’s tattooed across your forehead, you dope, along with your gang affiliations, one tear drop under your eye for each murder you are thus confessing, and that super cool tribute to your mom, whom I’m sure is really proud!”

Anyway, let’s not all judge Arturo.  Maybe he just had those horns implanted into his head because he identifies as a dragon. Or a goat.  Or a moose.  And don’t you dare go and mis-species him, you cis-species bigot.

Also, he can use whatever bathroom – or watering hole, or trough – he wants.