Crickets, Bats, & Terrible Dem Debaters (posted 3/2/20)

So February ended with one final, action-packed week, and that’s not counting the Dem South Carolina primary.   Trump got a huge reception in India on 2/24.  Over 100K brown folks packed a cricket stadium to cheer the guy whom the left tells us has been at war with black and brown people.  (If so, he’s the worst war-wager ever.  After three years of trying to destroy black and brown people, he’s helped them to the lowest unemployment and best economic growth in the past half-century.)

When Trump was greeted so enthusiastically, the MSM were finally forced to sheepishly admit that he is doing a good job as president.

HA!  I kid.  Instead, they quickly mentioned that a few folks applauded Trump in India, before they immediately moved on to the huge story of the moment: the fact that Trump “stumbled over the names of a few cricket greats.”

Touche, you MSM creeps.  You really nailed him on that one!  Because if there’s one thing that Americans will not tolerate, it’s leaders who can’t rattle off the names of famous Indian cricket players.   Especially when Indian names are always so easy to pronounce.  (I cite the case of the Simpsons’ friendly neighborhood convenience store owner, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon – pronounced just like it’s spelled, obviously.)

The idea that anyone would expect any American, let alone the president, to be familiar with Indian cricket greats is absurd on its face.

I consider myself something of a polymath and a trivia enthusiast, and I can only think of one cricket great, and I’m sure it’s the same one that you are thinking of: Jiminy.


But the MSM were not done with their hardcore journalism-ing.  Because the stock market lost around 4000 points this past week, due entirely to the unsettling proliferation of the coronavirus, which had been spreading throughout many countries.  There has been a lot of speculation about how the virus infected humans, but from what I can tell, one of the most credible theories connects it to some Chinese people who have been eating bats.

The first thing I thought of during Monday’s market crash was, “How are the MSM going to blame Donald Trump for some Chinese folks chowing down on bats?”

I mean, I KNOW that they will.  When you put big brains like Fredo Cuomo, post-menopausal block of petrified wood Larry O’Donnell, Don “insult to all citrus” Lemon, Jeff Zucker (who looks like a giant, dishonest human thumb with glasses) and Brian Stelter (who looks like a giant, dishonest human thumb without glasses) together into a big conference room that may or may not be filled with carbon monoxide, they ARE going to come up with a theory that blames Trump.

My second thought was, “Bats?  Really?!”

Have you ever seen a bat – maybe on a nature show, or in a vampire movie, or in a creepy haunted house that you are only spending the weekend in because you don’t want to look like a wuss in front of Daphne and Velma – and thought, “Wow, that guy looks… delicious?!”

Are there people in Wuhan who are the Chinese versions of Bubba in Forrest Gump, with his paean to the amazing versatility of shrimp dishes?

Chinese Bubba:  “We have bat soup, bat fritters, bat burgers–”

Me: “Really?  That many bat dishes?”

CB:  “Bat Caesar salad, bat pie, batcakes—”
Me: “Are those cakes like birthday cakes, made with flour?  Or are they like pancakes, made out of batter?”
CB: “Ooh, bat batter!  You funny man, but that good idea.  Anyway, we also have sandwiches: bat club, corned bat, Philly bat steak, bat dogs—”

Me: “Tell me those aren’t made of–
CB: “Oh yes.  Half bat, half dog.   We also have PBJs.”

Me:  “Wait, wait.  I got this one:  peanut, bat and jelly?”

CB: “What else?”

Me: “I thought you guys had amazing food of your own.  We love Chinese food in America, so why don’t you just eat that?”
CB: “We do eat that!  My wife’s favorite is bat chow mein, but my daughter loves moo goo gai bat.  But for me, nothing better than General Tso’s bat!”

Annnnnndddd, Cautious Optimism is now banned in China.

My bat.  (HA!  I could not resist.)

Anyway, by the time I finished a first draft of this column, I saw a piece by NYT op-ed columnist Gail Collins – which I swear to you I am not making up — entitled, “Let’s call it Trumpvirus.” Her tag line: “If you’re feeling awful, you know who to blame.”

We sure do, Gail.  You just keep being you, and spewing out that objective journalism until Trump finishes his second term.  By the way, if I can get your address, I’d like to send you a heaping plateful of homemade, chocolate-bat cookies.


But the week wasn’t all just bats and crickets.  There was also a Democrat debate, and it, too, was crawling with unappetizing rodentia.

Nobody covered themselves with glory, but front-runner Bernie was particularly terrible.

I’ve got very mixed emotions about him.  On the one hand, it’s terrifying that he’s the most likely nominee, because anybody in a two-person race has a fighting chance, and it’s depressing beyond words that so many Americans are either ignorant or apathetic or envious enough to vote for an honest-to-God (no offense, atheist commies) socialist!

On the other hand, common sense tells me that Trump will beat him like a rented mule on a collective farm in the middle of a 5-year-plan-induced famine.  Bernie’s got an oppo research file on him that’s as thick as Adam Schiff, and while the media and his Dem competitors have only minimally discussed any of it, Trump is going to dust it off and pound Bernie into the ground with it.

And it shouldn’t be that hard, because Bernie is serving himself up.  He can’t answer the simplest questions about how he’d pay for the pie-in-the-sky plans that he’s touting, and he won’t walk back any of his support for every leftist dictator he’s ever heard of.  His defending Castro stuff on Tuesday night was a case in point.  When pushed on whether Castro wasn’t a bit of a mass murdering dictator, Bernie gave a rhetorical throat-clearing gesture (“Of course I’m against any authoritarian government,”), before singing Fidel’s praises.  Specifically, he praised Castro’s amazing literacy program.

Others have since pointed out that Cuba had a literacy rate around 80% when Castro seized power, which compared favorably to other Latin American countries’ rates.  And those other countries made as much progress on that front in subsequent decades as Cuba did, and they did so without oppressing and murdering their citizens (for the most part).

Besides, even if Cuba went from 5% to 100% in literacy, is it not idiotic and offensive to suggest that those gains are morally commensurate with viciously oppressing the population?

I am usually far too modest to bring up my own fantastic parenting skills, but in this case I will make a grudging exception.

My wife and I have raised two daughters.  The oldest is graduating college and will begin a career as an RN this May, and the other is finishing high school and has been accepted to a competitive college program in astrophysics and planetary science on a full ride in the fall.  (She’s already becoming too smart for me to talk with, because I’m not fully sure what “astrophysics and planetary science” mean.  On the other hand, how many hilarious jibes has she come up with about Pelosi, Warren or Biden?  No more than a handful.  So I still have much to teach her.)

As you might guess, we taught both of our daughters to read.  And guess how many of them we had to jail and/or murder to achieve our family’s 100% literacy rate?  Neither of them!  What’s more, my blue-collar dad was one of 8 kids, and my mom one of 4, and their parents (none of whom made it past the 8th grade) managed to teach all 12 of those miscreants how to read.  Off the top of my head, I can’t think of a single one of my aunts and uncles who did any time in a political prison or a gulag on their glorious trek to literacy.

So my grandparents, parents and my wife and I ALL managed to outperform Castro’s glorious revolution in the murder-to-Reading-Rainbow ratio.

In fact, I’ll bet that if I could survey all of the readers in CO nation, way less than 10% of you have tortured or murdered even a single child while you were teaching them their ABCs.  And that’s not to mention how few of your children snuck out of your house, carried an inner-tube from a tire off of a 1950s Chevy down to the beach, and floated out into shark infested waters in order to escape your enforced “I Will Not Eat Green Eggs and Ham” sessions.


But as bad as Bernie was, Liz Warren was arguably worse!

In a strange way, I feel like I should appreciate all of her public appearances.  Because she’s not going to be around much longer, and we need to savor every moment of her terrible, cringe-inducing performances.  And she was at the top of her form in this debate.

One moment stood out for me.  It began with her going after Bloomberg (he’s like a person, only smaller!) citing the false story of how she was fired for being pregnant when she was a young teacher.

First, it’s amazing to me that none of the Dems called her on that, because it is an absolute lie, and they all know it.  She’s on videotape 20 years ago in an interview, saying that when she was pregnant, she needed another teaching certification to continue in that job, and so she voluntarily went home to have and start raising her child.  We also have records from the school board at the time, documenting that they wanted her to continue in her job, and were sad to lose her when SHE DECIDED to quit to have the baby.

Even among that crowd of hucksters, she stands out for her brazen dishonesty and forked tongue. #wemustneverstopmockingher

But that’s not the worst part.  Because she pivoted from lying about being fired when she was pregnant to attacking Bloomberg, saying, “At least my boss didn’t tell me to KILL IT!  The way that Mayor Bloomberg was alleged to have said to one of his pregnant employees.”

Watch that video, and the righteous anger in her (very, very white) face as she delivers that line.  There is murder in her eyes when she spits out the words, “Kill it!”   And in other circumstances, I could appreciate that, because there is such a thing as moral, righteous anger.  And if any occasion would call for righteous anger, it would be someone telling you to kill your baby so that your career won’t be temporarily disrupted.

Of course she’s an enormous hypocrite, because her extreme wing of the Democrat party constantly supports women getting abortions in order to improve their career prospects.

But in this case, she’s much worse than that.  Because 24 hours before she attacked Bloomberg, Grandma Squanto voted against the Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act, which does not even address aborting a fetus: it specifically deals with a baby that has already been born, and takes the radical step of preventing a would-be abortionist from killing (or allowing to die) a living, outside-of-the-womb human baby.

Abortion is a tough issue, and a divisive one.  But the fact that Senate Dems couldn’t even agree to protect a baby who has already been born tells you who the extremists on this issue are.

On the bright side, this is one more reason to be grateful that Lizzie Borden–  I mean “Warren” – is NOT going to be the Dem nominee.

On the dark side, Bernie likely is.  But you’ve got to give Bernie his props: if he does get elected, at least such babies might be allowed to live long enough to be taught how to read before Bernie has them killed.

El jefe would be proud.


Avenatti/Castro’s Ghost 2020!

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