There are some hopeful signs that we may be reaching the peak of the virus, and I’m confident that you all are doing your best to ride this thing out with your heads held high. Because if there’s one thing I know about CO nation, it’s that we’re a bunch of Ameri-CANs, not a mopey crowd of Ameri-CAN’Ts.
As this quarantine has dragged on, and I’ve tried to minimize my exposure to rage-inducing boneheads in the news, I began to question whether it’s appropriate to keep writing jokey columns and continue mocking people in such a sober, disquieting time.
But then I got my back up. Because no, I’m not desperate enough to buy the last scraps of vegan monstrosities in our supermarket. And no, I’m not beaten-down enough to follow the demands of power-hungry DeBlasio types to stay in my house clutching my knees to my chest and hoping that the feds will save me. And no, I’m not cowed enough to forgo using my God-given gift of sarcasm to lambaste those in our culture who need a good, old-fashioned lambasting.
So I give you three nominees for “Hypocrite of the Week:”
- Start with an easy, collective one: every leftist reporter in every Trump press briefer.
They called him xenophobic for cutting off travel from China while they were still downplaying the virus, and they also say that he acted way too slowly to cut off travel from China. They politicize every virus-related development, and then accuse him of politicizing the virus.
They used doomsday predictions that 2.5 million Americans might die from the virus to create panic that would hurt Trump, and when Trump cites that number to tout how much lower the current death predictions are, they accuse him of using that unrealistically high fake number to make himself look good.
They employ Clinton sock-puppet Maggie Haberman, and petrified block of wood Fredo Cuomo, and Brian “giant dishonest human thumb without glasses” Stelter and Jessie Smollett’s slower-witted cousin Don Lemon.
- Little-known hate-filled anti-Semite Omar Barghouti. This Palestinian activist founded the BDS (boycott, divest and sanction) movement that advocates economic warfare against the Jewish state, with the goal of preventing anyone from doing business with the evil Joooos. But when news recently surfaced that Israeli scientists are researching and starting to test potential vaccines against the flu Manchu, old Omar changed his tune. He said that his hateful followers will be “permitted” to take a vaccine developed by the Jews if they need to do so to fight the virus.
Which gave me two thoughts: First, why don’t a few of his rabid followers give him a traditional ROP (religion of peace) beat-down for suggesting that they accept help from the worst of the infidels? And second, won’t he feel foolish if a vaccine is developed by Palestinian researchers, who are famously productive scientists, with Nobel prizes in many non-Jew-slaughtering fields, such as bio-chemistry, and—
Ah! It’s no longer April Fool’s Day, so I am incapable of continuing with my lighthearted counter-factual mirth-making.
But Omar, I hope that one of your corona-riddled goats coughs on you the week before the Jews come up with a vaccine, so that you can die with a clean conscience, knowing that you didn’t pollute yourself with any of that haram Hasidic healing. (Extra points to me for the triple alliteration, and demonstration that I know at least one Islamic word. Next, I’ll take “Potent Potables” for $1000, Alex. And before you can say anything else, the answer is, “Scotch.”)
- Formerly attractive actress – and current cautionary tale — Alyssa Milano is a Joe Biden supporter. So, not a big brain. But she can serve a useful purpose in society… as a source of entertaining hypocrisy.
You may remember Milano from such programs as “Who’s the Boss.” But probably not, because that show was a long time ago, and pretty forgettable. Also, as an actress… Tony Danza acted circles around her.
Or you may remember her from, “Who’s That?” Which is not a tv show, but the question most frequently asked when she pops up on tv – or in a supermarket, or a mall, or on the sidewalk — sounding all ragey.
Or you may remember her from the Brett Kavanaugh hearings, when she paraded around in an Angry Strawberry Shortcake costume, and advanced the novel legal theory that whenever a gyno-American says something, you must believe that thing, no matter how bizarre or malicious or disconnected from reality that thing is.
I’m sorry. My crack staff informs me that that was not a Strawberry Shortcake costume that Milano was wearing, but a Handmaid’s Tale costume. (If you have not read the novel or seen the television version of Handmaid’s Tale, I can save you the trouble by giving you a synopsis: This story is a leftist bigot’s fever-dream conception of how conservatives would treat women if they had the chance, and it is as about as realistic as the Green New Deal.) In my defense, google her picture and tell me who she looks more like. Also, an angry Strawberry Shortcake costume would make at least as much sense as a Handmaid’s Tale costume.
Where was I? formerly attractive … tiny brain… out-acted by Tony Danza… strawberry shortcake…
Oh yeah: her legal acumen! So Milano argued that women are incapable of lying. In Kavanaugh’s case, the charges came from a partisan hack who couldn’t remember where the alleged incident happened, or in what year, or who was there. Also, she was caught in other demonstrable lies, and she provided no proof whatsoever. But Alyssa “Clarence Darrow” Milano proclaimed that we must believe that woman, because we must believe all women who accuse men of sexual misbehavior.
Fast-forward about 20 minutes, and of course Milano is now behind Joe Biden. (Which is a nice change of pace for him.) Because who else would she naturally support, but the guy known informally in the halls of DC as “Sniffy Stroke-y Grope-Grope?” (Worst children’s book sequel to “Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang” ever, by the way.) (Although both titles seem tailor-made for a porn parody video double-feature.)
And now comes before us a human named Tara Reade, who accuses that same Joe Biden of having sexually molested her in 1993. Important details about Tara Reade: she could also out-act Alyssa Milano, even though Reade is a non-actress, and not the Tara Reid who was an actress. (And who still could out-act Milano, even though Reid is not exactly Dame Judy Dench, or Meryl Streep. Or even Judy Landers.) (Yes, that’s a deep pull for those of you who appreciate fine acting, and went through puberty in the 1970s. You’re welcome.) Tara Reade is also a woman. Which according to Alyssa “Atticus Finch” Milano, means that we MUST believe her.
And that is why today, Alyssa “Learned Hand” Milano renounced Joe Biden’s candidacy, and replaced her Strawberry Shortcake bonnet with a MAGA hat, announcing that she will be voting for Donald Trump in November.
HA! I kid.
Because in the several months since the Kavanaugh hearings, Alyssa “Solomon” Milano has discovered an obscure little footnote in constitutional law called “due process.” In an interview with a sycophantic non-entity, she shared her new discovery, in this quote which I am not making up: “…I believe that even though we should believe women, and that is an important thing… What that statement [“believe all women”] really means is like, you know, for so long, the go-to has been not to believe them. So really, we have to sort of societally change that mindset to believing women.”
Okay, got it. We’ve got to sort of societally change our mindset. Right. So you believe Tara Reade, then?
Not so fast! Because Alyssa “Judge Judy” Milano (yes, I’ve run out of famous judge references) continues thusly:
“But that does not mean at the expense of not, you know, giving men their due process and investigating situations and giving, you know, it’s gotta be fair and in both directions.” (Now I believe that Milano actually IS a Joe Biden supporter, because she can torture the grammar out of a non-sentence just like Joey Gaffes!)
I don’t know anything about Tara Read other than what I’ve read in the last day, and if Biden did what she accuses him of, he’s the worst. But I hate the idea of people coming forward decades later with accusations that can’t possibly be investigated, and I don’t know how we can ever fairly treat both parties in that case. But I wouldn’t not vote for Biden because of that – especially when there are so many other fantastic reasons to vote against him: he accused the GOP of wanting to enslave black people (historically, the Dems have the trademark on that move, so he might just be protecting their intellectual property); he doesn’t know where or who he is; his lefty ideas are older and more discredited than he is, which hardly seems possible; he might well be technically “dead,” etc.
But Milano is right about due process. (Hence the old saying, “even a bad-acting broken clock in a Strawberry Shortcake bonnet is right twice a day.”) (It’s a cliché because it’s true.) But she’s too much of a hypocrite to apply that same standard, the next time the accuser is a lefty and the accused a non-lefty.
So there are your nominees, folks. Vote early, and vote often.
Avenatti/Strawberry Shortcake 2020!