In trying to keep up with the avalanche of lefty follies that are threatening to destroy our polity the way Ted Kennedy used to destroy mini-bars – it’s Old Reference Friday! — I find myself commenting on recent events that now feel like ancient history. Case in point: Que Mala’s trip to Europe.
It’s easy for most of us to forget – because of… wait for it… the significance of the passage of time – that Willie Brown’s old goomah laid metaphorical waste to eastern Europe just EARLIER THIS MONTH!
The VP’s European adventure was the most disastrous foreign policy junket since Hunter went over to Ukraine with two giant, empty canvas bags – one with the word “Meth” on it, and the other with a dollar sign – and then returned two days later with both bags full, and a Ukrainian hooker in a fireman’s carry over his shoulder.
But Que Mala was barely home long enough for any of us to really, truly absorb the meaning of the significance of the passage of time – repeated maniacally, like Lou Gehrig’s last game’s echo of “luckiest man in the world…world…world” – before Brandon said, “Hold my Metamucil and watch this!”
And then he stumbled up the mobile airplane staircase – falling three times along the way – to start HIS European trip.
And just when I think I’m incapable of being surprised by anything this Star Wars bar scene of an administration does, Joe Biden out-disasters Que Mala.
It’s hard to even choose which gaffes to talk about, because in one brief trip (plus a few short days back at home), Biden made more egregious blunders than most administrations would be able to commit – and survive – in 4 to 8 years!
Behold, the smorgasbord of bat-guano crazy:
Biden: “You US troops will soon learn about the Ukrainian war when you get there.”
WHSW (White House Spokes-Weasel) response: “No, US troops are NOT going to Ukraine.”
Biden’s response: “No, I wasn’t talking about our troops going to Ukraine, just because I told them they were going to Ukraine. I meant that they’ll see Ukrainian troops because we’re secretly training them in Poland.”
WHSW: “Whoa, whoa. For the record, it’s NOT American policy to train Ukrainian troops in Poland.”
Peter Doocy: “But are we, though?”
Biden (before an aide can clamp a hand over his dentures): “Yes!”
WHSW: “Absolutely not.”
Biden: “If Putin uses chemical weapons, we’ll respond in kind.”
Peter Doocy: “Wha? We’ll use chemical weapons?!”
Biden: “I mean, No!”
Peter Doocy: “But you just said that we’ll respond in kind.”
Biden: “What’s your point, Peter Lorre?”
Doocy: “It’s Peter Doocy. And ‘in kind’ means in the same way.”
Biden: “No it doesn’t! Come on, man!”
Doocy: “I’ve got a dictionary right here.”
Biden: “Schmictionary schmictionary.”
Doocy: “Are you trying to say, ‘dictionary, schmictionary’?”
Biden: “You know what I’m trying… You know… the thing! I’m losing patience with you, Goosey Loosey.”
Doocy: “It’s Peter Doocy.”
Biden: “Don’t get smart with me, Il Duce.”
Doocy: “It’s Doocy.”
Biden: “Pass the Dutchie?”
Doocy: “Peter Doocy.”
Biden (waving dismissively): “Aaahh. I don’t have time for this. I’ve got a conference call with Gronkowski, and then the X-Men.”
WHSW: “He means Zelensky and Chairman Xi.”
When another reporter pointed out that Biden’s (late and half-hearted) sanctions didn’t stop Putin from invading, Biden snapped into his grouchy-old-man mode, and said these actual words, in a real quote that I am not making up:
“Let’s get something straight. Do you remember, if you covered me from the very beginning, I did not say that, in fact, the sanctions would deter him. Sanctions never deter. You keep talking about that. Sanctions never deter.”
The reporter looked a little confused, since for the last two months everyone in Christendom has heard a chorus of Biden administration officials and Dem talking heads and MSM empty heads (but I repeat myself) claiming that sanctions are powerful deterrents.
Finally the reporter asked, “You believe the actions today will have an impact on making Russia change course in Ukraine?”
And our irritable Cadaver-in-Chief snapped, “That’s not what I said. You’re playing a game with me.”
For the record, the only game anyone has played with Biden lately is a raucous round of, “Duck, Duck, Corpse.”
Spoiler alert: he’s never the duck.
Sadly, those gaffes don’t even include the top two biggest embarassments of the last week, one of which was Biden being caught with a cheat-sheet card full of talking points to use. The cameras captured a shot of the card, which was headlined: “Answers to Tough Putin Questions.”
You would think that the most worrisome thing about that card was how simplistic the answers were. They were written down to the reading level of Que Mala’s explanation of the Ukraine war: “Ukraine is a small country. It’s next to a big country, called Russia. Which is a country name that starts with the letter ‘R’…”
But to me, the most worrisome thing is that the US president can’t be trusted to take simple coaching and spit out simple answers to anticipated questions without needing a cue card!
After seeing that performance, I shudder to think that it could have been even worse. Can you not imagine Biden standing unsteadily at that podium, taking the first question, and then fumbling for his magic card?
Peter Doocy: “What did you mean when you said that Putin can’t be allowed to stay in power?”
Biden (pulling out every card from his jacket pockets, then squinting at the first one): “Queen of Diamonds.”
Biden (shuffling): “I mean… Community Chest.”
Biden: “Congratulations on your Graduation!”
Doocy: “Are you reading from cards?”
Biden: “No! Oh wait, I’ve got it. I was speaking from moral outrage!” (looks proud of himself) “What do you think of that, Peter Piper?”
Doocy: “It’s Peter Doocy.”
Biden: “Ahh, go peck a purple picker.”
Doocy: “Are you trying to say ‘pick a peck of pickled peppers’?”
Biden: “You know the thing! You think you’re so smart, don’t you, Peter Criss—I mean… Peter Parker.”
Doocy (looking at the other reporters): “Wasn’t he Spiderman?”
Anonymous pool reporter from MSNBC (holding his head in his hands): “I think the first guy was the original drummer from KISS.”
Biden: “But I’M the important one here. Every time I walk into a room, they play a little toon called, ‘How’s it Going, Champ?’ How about that?”
Doocy (confused): “Do you mean, ‘Hail to the Chief’?”
Before Biden can say anything else, Jill tugs at his arm and pulls him toward the door, while a Spokes-weasel says, “We’ll be issuing a 5-page updated document of corrections within the hour.”
And, scene. Again.
That last gaffe – his already infamous, ad-libbed “9 words” — seems to be the one that informed observers are most worried about, since it plays into Putin’s hands, and reinforces the idea that we are determined to force regime change in Russia.
I was about to say that it can’t get any worse, but… of course it can! I can already think of more last-minute ad libs that no one would be the least bit surprised to hear come out of Joey Gaffe’s mouth.
Here’s a few off the top of my head:
“Follow me men, we’re invading Ukraine!”
“The Urals are undefended – who’s with me?!”
“For God’s sake, Corn Pop cannot remain in power!”
At this point, I’ll just be happy if, during the next 13 years of this interminable presidency, Brandon doesn’t end a press conference by shouting, “Death to America!”
The bottom line: we can’t send Biden to Europe any more.
Or to the Middle East.
Or to the Midwest. Or the west coast, or the east coast.
Or the grocery store. Or out in public.
It’s been a long 4 years and it’s only been 61 weeks.
Avenatti/Goosey Loosey 2024!