January still has 8 more days, and already the “Biggest Dunce of the Month” competition has an over-crowded field. Let’s look at 5 of them, shall we?
1. The British Museum has tragically succumbed to advanced wokeness, having recently decided to stop using the word “mummy.” To spare the feelings of easily triggered 3000-year-old cadavers, I guess?
“So what do I call a mummy?” you’re not asking, because you’ve got a life to lead and you’re not an imbecile.
The proper term now is either “mummified person” or “mummified remains.”
Ugh. Are we going to going to have to discuss mummy pronouns next?
Even the National Museum of Scotland has joined in the insanity. One of their spokeswomen said that they either use a mummy’s individual name (if known), or else “mummified, man, woman, boy, girl or person.”
Which opens a whole ‘nother can of worms. (Sorry: a whole ‘nother can of “soft-bodied invertebrates belonging to the phylum Annelida.”) (See? You learned something here today, didn’t you?) (Also, when you read “soft-bodied invertebrates,” how many of you instinctively thought of Jerry Nadler?)
Anyway, all phyla aside (Boom! Irregular Latin plurals for $1000!), why don’t the insensitive clods in Scottish and British museums consider that saying “mummified man or woman” could be mis-gendering them?
And you cannot say, “I judged based on the mummified phallus on that mummy.” Because if academics have taught us anything lately – and the jury may still be out on that – it’s that women can have phalluses too. (Yes, I could have also said “phalli.” Don’t get pedantic with me when I’m on a roll.)
Now where was I? Oh yeah.
When you read “mummified phallus,” how many of you instinctively thought of either Bill Clinton, Dick “nobody calls him ‘Richard’” Durbin, or Richard “everyone secretly calls him ‘Dick’” Blumenthal?
Okay, this first item has gone totally off the rails.
But only because extending the woke lunacy to the point of trying to protect the feelings of people who have been dead since before Bernie Sanders got out of middle school is so ridiculous.
Even if you accepted the premise, though, here is a short list of things that mummies would be more worried about – if they could worry about anything – than being called “mummies”:
a. Being associated in any way with Imhotep Pelosi.
b. Whether these burial wrappings make their butts look too big.
c. Having had their brains scrambled and removed with iron hooks, leaving them with the cognitive function of AOC.
In related news, I will be calling a press conference tomorrow announcing that we should no longer call dullard politicians, “idiots.” Instead, I decree the favored alternatives to be either, “Idiotic Person,” or “Person Stricken with Idiocy.”
Or, in the case of Joe Biden, “Idiotic Remains.”
2. Speaking of “Person Stricken with Idiocy,” have you heard Chicago Mayor (and part-time river carp impersonator) Lori Lightfoot’s latest masterstroke to fight the kind of crime that has totally coincidentally skyrocketed since she became mayor?
It’s not something that amateurs like you or I would suggest. (Ideas like, “How about we allow cops to chase violent criminals again? And if they flash a gun, shoot them a lot? Or maybe run them over with their cop cars? And if the thugs survive all that, put them in jail for a long time?”)
No, she’s an expert, and she offered what she called “concrete solutions” to make Chicagoans safer. (And not the type of “concrete solutions” that you or I might suggest. Like, “When a criminal rapes or murders someone, let’s put the criminal’s feet in a block of wet concrete, wait until it cures, and then throw him into Lake Michigan.”)
Here’s her big idea: vendors and store owners should “[do] things to protect themselves like not using cash.”
Brilliant! They can’t rob you if you don’t have any money!
Luckily, after another couple of years of Biden stumbling around the White House, Pritzker waddling around the IL governor’s mansion and Lightfoot dividing her time between socialist racism and racist socialism, nobody in the city will have any of that super-dangerous money any more.
Problem solved!
3. Let’s stay on the racism beat for a moment.
Democrat Sheila Jackson Lee was first elected to Congress 29 years ago, and since then she’s done more damage to Texas than the Galveston Hurricane of 1900. Her latest proposed bill may be her worst yet.
It seeks to criminalize what she calls, “conspiracy to commit white supremacy,” which she defines as any criticism of non-white people that she thinks might have influenced anyone who later commits a hate crime. It would empower the DOJ – because they’ve been batting 1000 lately, haven’t they? – to go after the kind of evil folks who would criticize any non-white people.
That’s right. She is proposing an explicitly racially discriminatory law against speech that she doesn’t like.
If only there were a constitutional amendment that spoke to this issue. (I’m no constitutional scholar, but if such an amendment did exist, I’d put it First!)
There are only two silver linings I see on this non-white cloud:
First, if it passed, racist Democrat Cori Bush could be the first one prosecuted, since she recently slandered impressive black Republican congressmen Byron Donalds. (And then charges could be pressed against almost all of the Dems in congress, since they’ve been denigrating Clarence Thomas for 30 years.)
Second, this proposal ensures that when Sheila Jackson Lee finally leaves congress, she won’t have to wait around through a series of contentious votes to get into the Moron Hall of Fame. Because she is now officially a lock: she is a first-ballot Hall of Fame Moron if ever there was one.
4. Amidst the insanity of our blue-state law enforcement follies, there was a feel-good story last week out of CA.
In 2019, a 15-year-old apprentice sociopath named Kristopher-with-a-“K” Baca sent a teen girl to the hospital after spiking her drink with some kind of poison. He was convicted of a felony, and because he was in CA, he got a stern talking-to, and probation.
When he was still on probation at 16, Special “K” got high and intentionally drove a car at a young mother and her 8-month baby. He hit them and tried to run, but was caught. (Miraculously, mother and child both survived.)
It was a high-profile case because the depraved crime was caught on video. So the Soros-funded LA County DA George Gascon (from guess which party?) really threw the book at him.
He gave him 5 whole months in a “diversionary program,” which is woke-speak for “summer camp for future victimizers.” His record would be wiped clean when he turns 18.
So how is that a feel-good story, you ask.
Well, Baca is not going to poison or run-down anyone else, because he was shot to death by another criminal last week. (And THAT criminal better hope he doesn’t get caught, because then he’ll be in for some harsh language and a mark on his permanent report-card from DA Gascon!)
Though I would not normally take the death of a teenager lightly, Gascon and his leftist co-religionists treated Baca much more harshly than I would have. Because if he was serving the sentence he should have originally gotten, he’d still be alive right now, with at least a chance to come out of jail as a marginally smarter 50-year-old.
5. What list of mind-boggling dumb-assery would be complete without a reference to Joe and Hunter Biden?
One fascinating sub-plot in the karmically entertaining classified documents story involves the unveiling of Hunter Biden’s sworn statements that for a year, he was paying the Big Guy $50,000 per month to rent his Delaware home.
This tale has the possibility of going wrong in many hilarious ways:
- Joey Gaffes didn’t declare any of that income on his taxes, which is not technically “legal.”
- His house should apparently fetch a fair-market rent of more like $6-8K per month, tops.
- Could the unjustifiably high rent be the way Hunter got the illicit ChiCom cash to Joe?
- Will the feds dust the classified docs in the garage for meth dust and hooker glitter?
I’m looking forward to a grifters’ family feud. Hunter said he gave daddy $50-large each month, and Brandon says he didn’t.
Who is lying here? The delusional perv or the other guy?
Wait. Let me be more specific: the delusional (because of all the meth) perv (with the home movies of him with hookers)?
Or the other delusional perv – delusional because of the dementia, and perv because of all the “Gee your Hair Smells Terrific” moves he put on every young girl who came within arm’s reach of him?
Either way, somebody’s lying.
And I’m going long on popcorn stock.
Fetterman/ Gender-non-binary Mummified Person, 2024!
Martin Simpson 