I Notice an Incompetent Criminal & Many More Incompetent Politicians (posted 1/31/23)

I’m back from my weekend, and I’ve read your responses to my Friday column.  I would like to respond to them, but I’m still trying to catch up on all of the mockable people and events that our political classes are constantly tossing out there.  So I’ll just thank you for your kind comments, and plow ahead.

For me, the political highlight of last week was watching whitey-hating election denier Hakeem Jeffries re-nominating Adam Schiff and Eric Swalwell for the intelligence committee, and then savoring their whining when McCarthy rightly rejected them both.

If the House Dems had any dignity, they’d take the “L” quietly, knowing that McCarthy was just making good on what the GOP warned them about when the Dems took the unprecedented step of tossing GOP members off of committees in the last congress.

But they don’t.  So they didn’t.

Schiff had the gall to accuse McCarthy of having a “committee on conspiracy theories,” after Schiff spent the last 6 years doing an amazing Joe McCarthy impression.  “I have here in my hands, absolute proof that Trump conspired with the Russians to destroy America!  You can’t see this proof, but believe you me, it’s just one bombshell after another!”

Swalwell was just as bad, whining that McCarthy was acting out of nothing more than political vengeance, since there is no justification for keeping him away from national security secrets.

[Cue Sam Kinison voice]  “No justification?!  You were SLEEPING with a CHICOM SPY! OH!  OHHH!”  [End Sam Kinison voice]

It is still hard for me to believe that any politician (even a Dem) could keep his career – and even think he deserves a spot on Intel! – after that kind of catastrophic error of judgment.   It’s not like he was having an affair with a secretary from his home district.

He was banging Fang Fang! 

Or was that fanging Bang Bang? 

(And yes, I could make a “Swalwell was fond of china-lingis” joke here, but I am way too classy and mature for that.) 

If this is how McCarthy responds to a handful of GOP conservatives making him fight for his speakership, I say good on him and them both!

Next up, I’ve got a new entry in the “Stupid Criminals” column, and what it lacks in details, it makes up for in schadenfreude. 

Last Thursday, cops in the Chicago suburb of Waukegan were called to a stolen vehicle investigation on Grand Avenue.  (If you look up the story and see the pictures, you’ll find that that avenue is not so grand, after all.)  When they arrived, they found a 32-year-old man who then tried to flee.

He started fighting with the cops and pulled out a pistol, but somehow managed to shoot himself with it, and was later pronounced dead at a local hospital. 

The story lacks any details beyond those.  But I’m playing the averages and guessing that the suspect had a prior record and a good (by which I mean “bad”) reason to flee and fight with the cops, and that he wasn’t carrying his gun legally.  I’m going to follow the story, and check the accuracy of my predictions.

But especially when so many crime stories end badly, including the tragic story that unfolded in Memphis this month, it’s nice to see one where the crime solves itself, and the criminal takes care of himself. 

Speaking of people shooting themselves, it turns out that our own ethnically confused Land o’ Lakes Butter Maiden Liz Warren shot herself in the foot last week, too.  (No word yet on the type of arrowhead involved.)  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Here is her tweet, which I wish I were making up: “If Republicans hadn’t spent nearly $2 trillion on the Trump tax cuts, and if they hadn’t made it easier for rich people to cheat on their taxes, the US wouldn’t need a debt ceiling increase this year. Or next year.”

There are several logical responses to this, the first of which is to chant, “Liar, liar, buckskin dress on fire!”  (#neverstopneverstopping) Because follow my smoke signals here, Lizzie:

1. The Trump tax cuts didn’t “spend” $2 trillion; they allowed American taxpayers to keep $2 trillion of their own money.

2. Leaving that cash in the hands of its rightful owners had the same effect it usually does: federal tax revenues rose 22% between 2017-21; business investment grew by 9.4%, capital expenditures by 20%, and corporate tax revenue by $46 billion over what the CBO had forecast.

3. The GOP DID spend too much. But you didn’t mention that, since your Shawnee-socialist friends (#don’tstopthemocking) over-spent way more.   If the $2 trillion tax cut “spending” added to our debt, the $5 trillion that the Dems spent since Biden was first embalmed – and the many trillions more that will be needed to repair the damage done by the tide of fentanyl and illegals in the future – dwarf that “spending.”

Just a second.  My crack research staff is telling me that Biden was “inaugurated” rather than “embalmed.”  But that doesn’t sound correct to me, so I’m going to look into it. 

Speaking of our not-so-dearly-departed prez, he was in fine form last Thursday.  He managed to not shoot himself to death like the Biden voter in Waukegan, but by the time he finished his comments in VA, his listeners were probably wishing that he had.

In between telling many lies about the economy, he kept asking for somebody named “Doug.”  The first time came after saying that people might think he was stupid because he had told an earlier audience to sit down, when there were no chairs in the room.  Then he abruptly said, “Where’s Doug?” 

After 3 seconds of silence as he looked around him – I timed it, and that’s longer than it sounds – he helpfully added, “congressman.”  But no one in the room knew who he was talking about.  A few minutes later, as he was telling a different lie, he paused to say, “Doug knows this.”

About 20 minutes later he went for the trifecta, starting another ramble through the Slough of Dementia by saying, “Doug, I think you might have been with me when…”

Yikes.  The best guess is that he was trying to refer to VA Dem congressman Don Beyer, since “Don,” like “Doug,” also starts with a “d” and an “o.”

On the bright side, Don Beyer was actually alive and in the room, unlike GOP congresswoman Jackie Walorski, who had been dead for a month when Biden gave a speech in her home district last September and said, “Where’s Jackie?  She said she’d be here.”   

Later that same day, the Bidens hosted a Lunar New Year celebration in the White House, and if you read that as “Loony New Year,” I can’t blame you. 

If you haven’t seen that video, you’ve got to watch it.  While several people banged cymbals, a colorful Chinese dragon came dancing in, clearly catching Biden by surprise.  There were a couple of Chinese guys inside, but I don’t think Brandon knew that, because his facial expressions went from startled to terrified, before settling back into his usual default state: disoriented.  

That event/debacle ended later on as most of his public events do: with Biden looking around him in confusion. 

I swear, his support staff must absolutely hate him!  He never knows what he’s supposed to do or where he’s supposed to go after he finishes losing one more round with the teleprompter, and his minions NEVER help him out.

This time he creakily turned one way and then the other, before saying, “I guess I gotta step down here.” 

Truer words were never spoken!

And from his slurring lips to God’s ears.

Fetterman/ Fang Fang, 2024!