I Don’t Know Which was Worse — the State of the Union, or the Grammys (posted 2/10/23)

A giant orb filled with hot air, powered by solar panels and animated by the bad ideas of a socialist superpower has wandered across our country recently.  

But enough about Al Gore.  Let’s talk State of the Union and the Grammys.

I can’t honestly say that I watched the SOTU speech.  Because undergoing that kind of sacrifice would make me a hero for the ages.

Since I’m just a hero for OUR age, I only watched excerpts and clips from the SOTU. But that was enough.  Here’s what I learned:

Mitt Romney continues to be the absolute worst.  He went out of his way to confront GOP house member, loon, and pathological liar George Santos, telling him, “You don’t belong here!” and, “You’re an ass.” 

I will never defend Santos.  He’s such an obvious nut that it reflects badly on the voters in his district, and even the Dem machine who ran someone against him.  How little time did you people spend on opposition research?!

But Mitt Romney is a terrible politician, with absolutely horrific judgment.  As he walked up to give George Santos a dressing down because of his dishonesty, Romney walked past Ilhan “I never knew there was a slur about Jews and money” Omar. And Rashida “pretty on the outside as she is on the inside” Tlaib.  And Maxine “ditto” Waters.  And Cori Bush, and Adam Schiff, and AOC, and Joey Gaffes and Jerry Nadler and—

Whoo!  I got light-headed, trying to name just a few of the inveterate Democrat liars in that room without taking a breath.

But Romney has to elbow his way through that crowd of creepy, “if-their-lips-are-moving-they’re-lying” leftists to settle the hash of the one GOP reprobate who could finish in the first quintile in a Congressional lying competition. 

Well done, Willard.

Speaking of pathological liars, for a guy who’s lied as much as he has for as many years as he has, you’d think Joe Biden would be better at it.  But no, he keeps choosing lies that are either absurd on their face, or that can be easily checked. 

He should have taken a page out of the global warming alarmists’ playbook.  For a long time, they were making their catastrophic predictions – melted polar ice caps, boiling oceans, all fish dead, famines killing billions – about what would happen 10-15 years from now.  Then that time came and went, and nothing they predicted came true. 

They’re not any smarter now, or any less committed to their pet delusions.  But at least they’ve moved their predictions out to the century mark.  By the time the year 2100 rolls around, they’ll all be long-dead, and thus not subject to a mortifying video montage on Ben Shapiro’s podcast about how insanely wrong they were about every single thing.

But Joe Biden can’t get that simple lesson through his liver-spotted coconut.  He lies about things that are obviously disprovable. 

He said that he’s bringing down the deficit.  He said that Jill is a full-time teacher.  (Then how does she find the time to make all those speeches comparing Latinos to tacos, and to make out with Mr. Que Mala?)

He said that the GOP wants to get rid of Social Security and Medicare, when they’ve done everything but tattoo, “No cuts to Social Security!” on their foreheads.  

The week before the SOTU, Biden was asked if he takes any blame for inflation.  He said no, explaining that, “It was already here when I got here, man!”  Anyone with a functioning memory, or a computer can quickly confirm that inflation was at 1.4% when Biden took office.   Then he blew it up to as high as 9.1%, and now that it’s dropped back to 6.5% (e.g. 4 times what it was when he “got here, man!), he brags that he’s lowered inflation.

Even that drop has been caused by the Fed – not Brandon – frantically raising interest rates.  You’re welcome, American citizens who might want to get a mortgage, or a car loan, or a HELOC to buy a dozen eggs!

The topics that Biden was most energized about show what a small field he’s now reduced to playing on.  He came out hard against “resort fees” added to many hotel bills, even though – brace yourselves – many of those hotels are not even resorts!  He also wants to stop airlines from charging baggage fees that he thinks are too high. 

Those aren’t national priorities, they’re pet peeves!  What’s next?  Finally bringing executive branch attention to the size of the Early Bird Special platters at Denny’s?

And as always, there was the unhinged yelling.  I think Biden is trying for some kind of forceful leadership vibe, as if he were screaming, “Give me liberty or give me death!”  But it comes across more as Grandpa Simpson, or maybe George Castanza emoting on, “These pretzels are making me THIRSTY!”  

He screamed, “Name me a foreign leader who change places with Xi Xinping!  Name me one!!

First, I think he meant a leader “who WOULD change places.”  Second… What?  What does that even mean?

Biden also hollered that, “More timber has been burned than I’ve observed from helicopters, than the entire state of Missouri!”


The MSM lost their Schiff over the way many GOP pols booed and heckled when Biden was extra offensive, but that was my favorite part. 

Even though I’ve always kind of liked the British tradition of loudly jeering and yammering when the Prime Minister makes a speech at Parliament, it seemed rude and off-putting to do that here. But not any more.  

Many of our leaders have as much contempt for us as they do for the truth, so why do they deserve such deference?  When Biden was slandering the GOP pols right in front of them – as when he lied that they want to end social security — why should they have to just sit there and take it?  If it’s not rude for him to lie about and insult them, why is it rude to give him some right back? 

It’s not.  So good for them.  And if pols – on our side too – continue to lie and falsely denigrate the other side, I hope this becomes a tradition.

Speaking of tradition, I’ve written this before, but I’d be happy if we started doing SOTUs the same way George Washington did. 

He wrote an annual letter summarizing how the nation was doing, and that was read out to the Congress: “Things are pretty good.  The British navy hasn’t been harassing our shipping, scalpings by the Cherokee Warrens on the frontier are lower than last quarter (#wemustneverstopmockingher), and the corn crop was knee high by the Fourth of July.  God bless America, and stop transing the kids.  The end.”

I can’t honestly say that I watched the Grammys.  Because that would have risked cauterizing the part of my brain that appreciates good music and talented entertainers.  But I did watch some excerpts and clips.  (Again: a hero for our age, and you’re welcome.)  

Here are some things that I learned from the excerpts I saw:

1. Madonna is pretty far along in her process of transformation from a slutty but mildly talented young singer into the lovable JRR Tolkien character, Gollum.

Good lord!  Do stars – or in her case, ex-stars – have no one they can trust to give them an honest bounce when it comes to plastic surgery and how well it is working?  Madonna is not well into her third millenium, like Nancy Pelosi.  She’s only 64 years old!

That’s not that much older than I am.  And I’ve spent zero dollars on any kind of cosmetic enhancement, yet I’m still recognizably a human being, and – in the right light – only one standard deviation away from almost handsome.   

She’s not fooling anybody.  Sure, I guess some surgeries can be in the ballpark of believable.  I mean, she had two cheekbones before; they just weren’t in that location, and they weren’t that size.  And she had eyes before; they just weren’t that deeply sunk into her head, or that frightening.

But some parts aren’t even close.  She used to have eyebrows, for example.  Those things don’t just go away. 

And if they do… people will notice! 

2. Sam Smith is a gender-confused guy with a troublingly high body mass index and a morally deranged and musically negligible “song” that he performed as a duet with a “girl” who still has XY chromosomes, even though “she” had the full “Gavin Newsom” (e.g. surgery to remove all trace of male genitalia) when “she” was 16.    

Smith dressed up all in red, like a pudgy Satan with horns that stuck up through his top hat, and the other guy dressed up like a hooker, and they surrounded themselves with various writhing, gender-disturbed weirdos.  It was an assault on the eyes as much as on the ears, and it made me long for the comparatively soothing sounds of guttural Mongolian throat singing. 

Which is a real thing.  Google “Wolf Totem” by The Hu, and enjoy the extreme gender-binary clarity.

3. Nothing is more boring than a bunch of self-involved and self-styled “rebels” who just want to shock the squares with their “radical” transgressive behavior. 

Between poor old Madonna talking about how controversial and shocking she is, and Sam Smith greasing himself up to stuff himself into a latex suit that looked like a leftover from an old Benny Hill skit, it was just sad.  

You know they were just savoring the chance to traumatize the rubes in the flyover states with their edgy Beelzebub schtick. But the Stones did “Sympathy for the Devil” 55 years ago, and Gene Simmons was wearing demon make-up and vomiting blood in the 1970s.

And we’re supposed to be scandalized by a bunch of talentless he-shes dancing around in red tights? 


Still, all things considered, I’d rather watch the Grammys again than the SOTU. 

And I’m not sure that I wouldn’t rather be governed by a horde of Mongolian throat singers than by the late Joe Biden and the Dems in congress.  

Fetterman/ The Material Gollum, 2024!


If you enjoyed this column, please share it.  To see more of Martin’s past columns, go to Martinsimpsonwriting.com, and click “Follow” to receive a notice when new columns post. 

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