No, I’m not going to discuss the Trump indictment, for several reasons. First, I’m no law-talking guy. (“Do you mean ‘lawyer,’ Martin?” Yeah.) (Obscure Simpson’s reference? Check.) Second, I’m sick to death of hearing about it.
Third, it’s Palm Sunday, and I’m supposed to be looking forward and getting my mind right for Easter. Instead, thinking about Alvin Bragg and the shameless Dems’ egregious behavior gets me in a vendetta kind of mood, which is not where I want to be. (Obscure Christopher Walken in “True Romance” reference? Check.)
So I’m going to write about a few stories that fall into happier categories for me: crime stories and laughable leftist foolishness.
First up on the crime beat we have the story of Ricky Jimenez, 23, a resident of Houston. On March 28 he stopped at a food truck where a grandmother was cooking soul food. Ricky asked about the food, and then stuck a gun in the window and pulled the trigger.
So cue the sad trombon—
No, wait. Ricky’s gun jammed. So grandma pulled out her licensed pistol (because: Texas!) and gave Ricky a little of the ol’ ballistic behavioral adjustment herself. Then, according to the news story, Ricky “attempted to leave the parking lot.”
I’ll bet he did.
He made it around 50 feet before he took the asphalt challenge, still within smelling distance of grandma’s great soul food. Not that he could smell it. Because he was dead.
So I guess, cue the happy, New Orleans’ style jazz parade happy trombone!
A sadder story, also from Houston, involved two young thugs who followed a 44-year-old Asian mother after she’d withdrawn cash from a bank. Zy’Nika Woods drove, and when the victim was out of her car, Joseph Harrell jumped her. He grabbed her wallet and knocked her down, and then body-slammed her onto the concrete, leaving her paralyzed.
Which raises the obvious question: Does Texas law allow a scumbag thief who paralyzes someone to be sentenced to paralysis? And if not, how soon can we get that on the books, and can it be applied retroactively to Woods and Harrell?
I think such a law would be a pretty effective deterrent to other would-be thieves out there. Can you imagine the benefit of televising a judge reading out the sentence?
“Mr. Harrell, you are going to serve 5 years in prison, and pay a $1500 fine. Oh, and you’ll be taken to a parking lot and repeatedly dropped on the cement until you’re paralyzed. Bailiff? Let’s get to paralyzin’!”
Utah has an even better idea. After having to postpone a death row inmate’s execution several times because they’ve had a hard time getting lethal injection drugs, Utah’s governor just signed a bill to go “old school,” in the best possible way:
They’re bringing back firing squads!
If you don’t mind, I’m going to take a long draw of bourbon, and write an improvised, ideal Utah execution screenplay scene:
INT. We open on an execution chamber, with a condemned serial rapist strapped to a wooden chair, with 5 riflemen standing and facing him, and a warden standing to one side, beside a telephone on the wall.
Warden: “Okay, the warrant being read, we’ll proceed with the execution. I’m going to count down from 5—”
Rapist: “Don’t I get a blindfold?”
Warden: “Do you want one?”
As the warden steps up to tie a blindfold around the condemned man’s eyes, the fourth rifleman in line, whose name is Brian, says, “Wussy.”
Brian: “You heard me.” (As soon as the blindfold is in place, Brian raises a middle finger.) “How many fingers am I holding up, wuss?”
Warden: “Knock it off, Brian.”
Brian (muttering): “Big strong rapist needs a blindfold.”
Warden: “Okay, I’m going to count—”
Rapist: “Are you sure the phone is working? The governor might call.”
Warden: “Yes, we checked the phone an hour ago. Now then, I’m going to count down from—”
The phone rings. The rapist sits up straight and gasps, then laughs. The warden picks up the phone, and listens for a few seconds. Then he turns to the riflemen. “Did somebody order a pizza?”
The rapist groans, and four of the riflemen turn toward Brian.
Brian (raising a hand): “Guilty. Listen, tell the guard at the gate to pay for it, and I’ll get him back. I got enough for everybody. Well…not EVERYBODY. Wuss!”
Rapist: “You son of a—”
Brian: “Stop whining. Tell you what: you can have my piece, if we all miss.”
Warden: “All right, all right. Now I’m going to count down from 5. Riflemen, take your aim…”
All five riflemen raise their weapons.
Brian: “You said ‘Five’.”
1st Rifleman: “He’s counting DOWN from 5!”
2nd Rifleman (looking at the rapist): “You’re a terrible shot! You’re supposed to aim for the heart, and you hit him in the groin.”
Rapist (in great pain): “C’mon, let’s go!”
3rd Rifleman: “Brian!”
Brian: “He said ‘let’s go.”
Warden: “He’s not in charge here, I am!”
Brian: “Got it. Sorry.”
5th Rifleman: “And you shot him in the groin again.”
Brian: “He rushed me. I barely had time to aim. Let’s not get all bogged down in who shot who early.”
Rapist (in greater pain): “YOU DID!”
Brian: “Agree to disagree. Come on guys, pizza’s getting cold.”
Warden: “Okay, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.”
The rapist slumps forward, and all 5 riflemen lower their weapons.
2nd Rifleman (looking at Brian): “I don’t think I’ve seen you around before.” (to the Warden) “Wasn’t Gary supposed to be up tonight?”
Brian: “I paid him $100 to let me take his place.”
Brian (nodding toward the dead guy): “My little sister was his third victim.”
The other riflemen look at each other.
Warden (clapping Brian on the shoulder): “Pizza’s on me!”
On to two stories of lefty foolishness, on one of the topics about which the lefties are most predictably foolish: transgender stuff.
The first story comes from JFK airport, where a trans “woman” – i.e. a guy – complained about an aggressive frisking at the hands of a TSA agent.
And because it’s 2023, this is an actual sentence in an actual news story: the “…woman was left in tears after she claimed a TSA agent punched her in the testicles.”
Now in some of these stories, the “trans woman” is pretty obvious. As in, when you’re about 50 yards away you think, “Hey, since when does Mike Ditka wear a frilly blouse and… Oh good lord!”
But in the pics that accompany this story the mix-up isn’t so obvious. So I imagine that the TSA agent was moving her hand into what she expected to be empty space, when… surprise!
As someone who was “assigned male at birth” as they say, and who also played a lot of contact sports with a lot of juvenile males, I am well acquainted with the temporarily debilitating sensation of the proverbial “sack tap.”
And I really do feel sorry for this person. As I said in my column on Friday, it has to be terribly painful to live in such denial of reality.
But this could end up being a healthy therapeutic experience for “her.” Because there’s nothing like a good, hard whack on the juevos to serve as a wake-up call!
After the airport search, this poor guy ended up retreating to a women’s restroom and texting “her” story on social media, blaming the insensitive TSA agent and ending with the question, “Anyone know what I can do?”
Would it be rude to say, “Man up?”
If you’re wondering where this poor soul came up with her delusion, look no farther than NPR.
In a March 26th story, the brain trust drawn from the elite of our J-schools, and spanning the political spectrum from far left to ultra far left, reacted with predictable outrage to the news that the World Athletics Council is barring “transwomen” (i.e. dudes) from elite female athletic competitions.
In their truthy and unbiased opinion, the elite “journalists” said that the WAC took action, “citing a priority for fairness over inclusion, despite limited scientific research” supporting the idea that males have a “physical advantage” over females in competitive sports.
How can one respond to that?
In many ways, I guess. Most of which should start with the venerable Sam Kinison filter™:
“LIMITED SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH?! NO PHYSICAL ADVANTAGE?!! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SPORT?! OH! OHHHH!!!!” [end Kinison filter™]
Honestly. NPR’s researchers could look at a few record books, where they would find that the elite male vs. elite female athletic performance gaps are huge. A study out of Duke pegged the average difference at between 10-12%.
For an idea of how that works out in the real world, researchers took the lifetime best speed of two female Olympic runners in the 100 and 400 meters respectively, and then totaled the number of men and boys (under 18) who beat the record-holding females’ times in the year 2017.
In just that one year, 15,000 men and boys ran faster times – in each event – than each female record-holder’s lifetime best.
Or, NPR “journalists” could have spent a half hour watching NBA and WNBA games, or men’s and women’s pro tennis matches, or golf matches, or weightlifting, or swimming, etc.
None of that is to put down female athletes, obviously. But no one should be able to make the argument with a straight face that “male” and “female” are just malleable, easily transitioned social constructs.
Seriously NPR, do you WANT to get tragically confused males being whacked in the balls in our nation’s airports?
Because THIS is how you get tragically confused males being whacked in the balls in our nation’s airports!
Let me end on a more positive note:
As your humble Roving Correspondent, I want you to know that I am completely on board with the LGBTQ agenda!
If by “LGBTQ” you mean, “Let’s Get Biden To Quit!”
Have a good week, everybody!
“Dr.” Jill Biden/Ricky “Food Truck Bandit” Jimenez, 2024!