Kamala’s Interview Gibberish, + Advice for Trump (posted 9/3/24)

I hope everybody had a great Labor Day weekend.  Other than the Gator game (about which, let us never speak again), we had a good time.  In honor of the holiday, I did no labor, and thus produced no Monday column.

But now the holiday is over, and we’ve got just a little over two months until a crucial election, so it’s time to get back to work.  As disgusted as I am that Que Mala and A-WOLz, despite having zero qualifications, are in a very tight race, I am heartened that there are small signs that the tide is turning against them.

We all knew that Biden’s “Big Boy Interview” was rough.  But last week’s “Little Girl and her Emotional Support Weasel” performance was almost as bad, and confirmed why this un-Dynamic Duo have been running from interviews like Grandma Squanto Warren fleeing from the US Cavalry.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Dana Bash did a terrible job, in that she asked the minimal amount of pointed questions that she had to, with minimal follow-ups.  For example, she tossed a slow one over the middle of plate with the perennial candidate question, “What would you do on Day 1 in office?”

And Que Mala did the rhetorical equivalent of swinging so early that she spun herself completely around, losing her balance and pitching forward in time to catch the pitch right in her 10-cent head, which made her stagger in a circle and let go of the bat.  As she landed on the plate, the bat landed on her head, and a crown of stars and chirping birds circled her head until she fell backwards, unconscious.

Am I exaggerating?  How dare you! 

Here is the first paragraph of her answer, verbatim: “Well, there are a number of things. I will tell you first and foremost one of my highest priorities is to do what we can to support and strengthen the middle class. When I look at the aspirations, the goals, the ambitions of the American people, I think that people are ready for a new way forward in a way that generations of Americans have been fueled by — by hope and by optimism.”

This was the FIRST QUESTION, and she was already running out the clock! 

Obviously there is no content here, partly because she is unusually dimwitted, but also because she got an “elite” education that rewards blather and obfuscation.  She has a law degree.  I spent 30 years teaching writing workshops for every discipline, and I know that this pattern is worst in law students. 

Because lawyers are trained to close every loophole, and often seem to be paid by the word, legal language is full of repetition and synonym pairings.  We find this contract null AND void; we require the defendant to cease AND desist; we write a last will AND testament; we require you to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  Etc. 

But that kind of bloat creeps into all kinds of “official” speak.  Bureaucrats say “at the current time” instead of “now,” and “due to the fact that” instead of “because,” and “I was operating at that juncture with inaccurate facts,” instead of “I lied.”

Kamala’s got a terminal case of content-less linguistic bloat.  In her first paragraph she has three pairs of unnecessary synonyms (“first and foremost,” “support and strengthen,” and “hope and optimism”) and one three-banger (“the aspirations, the goals, the ambitions”), and in her last half-sentence she repeats “way” twice and “by” three times. 

Then she piles on another paragraph, which I’m not going to subject you to, because I love you. 

To Dana Bash’s credit, she followed that verbal miasma with, “So what would you do on day one?”

Kamala then excreted another two paragraphs of empty calories – including three “what we’re gonna do to” phrases (spoiler alert: they were all followed by promises as vague as a Bill Clinton wedding vow) – and one, lonely detail (a $6K child tax credit).

And everyone has already widely mocked her big support for “holding ourselves to deadlines around time.”  Which are the only kinds of deadlines that exist, unless you count deadlines around actual death.  As in, “If this moron gets elected, I’m going to hold myself to a deadline around giving myself a huge injection of pure, sweet heroin, and embracing sweet oblivion.”

Walz was just as bad, ducking every question, and lying shamelessly.  At one point he actually said, “I certainly own my mistakes when I make ‘em.” 

This was AFTER he blamed his years-long lying about his rank at retirement and “carrying a weapon in war” on his INCORRECT GRAMMAR!  You know, like when you use a singular verb with a plural subject, or when you put ‘I’ before ‘e’ including when following ‘c.’

Or when you claim to be an Admiral of the Seven Seas, and that you wiped out an entire battalion of Taliban killers with nothing but a coach’s whistle and a spork, from a gondola in Venice.   

Ugh.  Enough about these idiots.  Labor Day is over, we’re in the final stretch, and we need Trump to be disciplined and on the top of his game.  No more bad-mouthing Brian Kemp, or wandering into pro-choice talking points, or coming up with goofy, insulting nicknames.  (That’s CO Nation’s job!)

“Martin,” you’re probably saying about now, “if you’re so smart, why don’t you jump in to save the day with a bunch of brilliant advice for the Trump campaign?

I’m glad you asked.  And no, I’m not just wearing this cape because I’ve been told that I look quite dashing in it. Or because the Norwegian Goddess and I occasionally play a little cat-and-mouse game we call “Zorro and the Serving Wench.”

Perhaps I’ve said too much.  Also, where was I?

Oh yes.  This is my “saving the day” cape, and here’s my $.02 on what Trump should do:

I’d like to see him focus on a Gingrich-esque Contract with America, a short list of specific actions that he’s going to carry out as soon as he gets back in.  This would contrast nicely with Que Mala’s word salad when asked the “Day 1” question, and take the focus off of him (for the many independents who can’t stand him) and move it to his policies, which are popular. 

I know: Trump has already done some of this, though intermixed with many other topics, long discussions, and distractions.  But I’d love to see him boil things down to maybe half a dozen actions, and hammer them relentlessly. 

Here’s my first pass at a list, though your mileage may differ:     

1. Immigration:  I’ll immediately re-instate the “remain in Mexico” policy, and throw every available resource – beefed up border patrol, ICE and National Guard – to policing the border as we start building as much wall as we can as fast as we can.  I’ll also shut off the magnet for illegals: no more freebies (phones, housing, welfare cash, driver’s licenses), no legal jobs, no more catch and release. 

2. Deportation: We’re a compassionate people, but everyone who came here illegally has broken our laws, and cut in line in front of legal immigrants who came the right way, and they must go back to their home countries.  We’ll give everyone a grace period of around 2 months to clean up their affairs and self-deport. While that’s happening, we’ll focus on immediately arresting, jailing and deporting any illegal who has committed crimes in addition to illegal entry.  After the 2 months, we’ll be arresting every illegal we can find, taking biometric info from them, and deporting them with no chance for them to attempt to legally immigrate for at least 10 years.  We’ll prioritize recidivist criminals, but everyone’s got to go back home eventually, and then we’ll let the voters decide how many of the productive, cream of the crop that we’ll allow to legally immigrate.

3. Economy: We’re going to do more of what we did the first time, which created the best economy in 40 years: drill baby drill, frack baby frack, and continue to wisely cut regulations and bureaucracy.  (The federal Education Department is going, and so are the extra IRS agents Biden hired.)   We’re going to encourage the building of as many nuclear power plants as possible, and stop subsidizing solar and wind; if those industries can’t attract private funds b/c they look viable, we won’t continue to throw taxpayer money at them.  Also, my tax cuts that are set to expire next year are now in place for as long as a congressional bill can put them in place. 

4. Crime: We’re going to stop favoring criminals and start protecting citizens.  We’ll defend law-abiding peoples’ 2A rights, and enforce all existing gun laws against criminals who use guns in their crimes.  (If we need more prisons, we’ll build them.)  We’ll cut federal aid to any self-proclaimed sanctuary city: if you screw Americans and support criminals, you’ll do it on your own dime, and reap what you sow.  Also, no more double-standards on rioting and violent protests: everybody (left, right or center) who destroys property or attacks law enforcement is getting every punishment the law allows. (By the way, I’m going to have our lawyers take a fast-track look at the cases of every non-violent J6er with no previous criminal record, and if merited I’m going to have them pardoned and released immediately.  And if an unbiased coroner confirms that George Floyd died of an overdose as the original one did before being coerced, I’m pardoning Chauvin.  If you want to riot over that, we’re preparing jail cells for you.) 

5. Secure Voting: we’ll make it easy for every eligible American to vote and very hard to cheat, including ramping up investigation, prosecution and harsh sentences for everyone who cheats.  I’m putting Elon Musk in charge of assembling a team of tech geniuses to come up with the most fool-proof possible methods to ensure legally legitimate elections.  Whether that includes low-tech (paper ballots with verified signatures that are protected and kept for years) or high-tech strategies like biomedical voter identification (through retinal scans, fingerprints, etc.), we’ll vet and implement it all.  We’re also going to push for legislation – with an executive order in the meantime while we fast-track it to SCOTUS – mandating strict voter ID for all federal elections.  (We respect federalism and state rights, and we won’t try to force election for state officials to follow rational ID and clean voting procedures.  But the congress, Senate and presidency are all national offices that affect every American, and we will not allow corrupt state political machines to send people elected through fraud to national office that allow them power over citizens from the rest of the country.)     

6. Foreign Policy:  We’re going to reward our allies and punish our enemies. So we’re encouraging Israel to go Roman against Hamas, and we’re giving Taiwan as much as we can to arm up against China.  We’re going to sanction and impoverish the government of Iran, and use our exports of natural gas and oil to Europe to put Putin back in his corner, and China back in theirs.  We’re going to make an example of a few offenders – if one more Houthi missile or pirate bass boat comes anywhere near gulf shipping or Israel, we’re going to light the pirate coast up with napalm like in Apocalypse Now.  And if the American hostages in Gaza aren’t all released by the time I finish taking the oath of office, keffiyeh are going to roll. 

I can think of a few more – forced reform of universities (automatic expulsions of violent protestors/rioters, roll out the Florida method of killing DEI programs, etc.); stopping the transing of kids, bathrooms, and sports – but we want to keep it short and focused.

Trump could handle the branding.  Maybe call it “The Elite 8,” or a “New 10 Commandments.” 

I can hear him now.  “The old 10 Commandments were fine.  Moses, Jehovah, good guys, terrific guys.  And the burning bush, and the tablets?  We’re still talking about them, they got tremendous ratings.  Even in Egypt, where the fake Pharoah did everything he could to counter-program, but he couldn’t do it.  He couldn’t do it!

But these new commandments – I call them the Trump Commandments – they’re going to be fantastic.  Some say the best ever.  I mean, nobody is coveting their neighbor’s oxen any more, but you know what they’re doing?  They’re transing the kids!  So much transing, so terrible.  But not any more.  Not after the Trump Commandments.”    

Let me know what I missed, and how we can tighten this up and get it to someone who can get it to Trump.

Time to “cape up,” CO Nation!

Hamas delenda est!