When I first got to college, and before I embarked on the lucrative path of majoring in English, I briefly considered majoring in psychology. Until I learned that most psych majors – and virtually all psych professors – were as crazy as outhouse rodentia.
That’s been my “lived experience,” anyway.
But I’ve still retained a fascination with the way the mind works, and various psychological phenomena. My forays into thinking about politics quickly showed me how much cross-influencing goes on between psychology and politics. (And I’m not just referring to the way that political extremists of various stripes all seem to be primarily an amalgam of various psychological dysfunctions.)
Of course I’m biased, and think that conservatives as a group are generally mentally healthier than leftists, mostly because operating with the truth at your back is a lot more conducive to life success than swimming upstream against truth, normality and the way our Maker set things up.
(Sometime soon I’m going to write about happiness studies that consistently find that conservatives are much happier than leftists. Even though my first instinct was that such studies should be gathered in a volume called, “Duh!: A Collection of Studies Proving Things that Everybody Already Knows,” the details proved interesting, IMHO.)
After taking a few classes and reading around a lot, I think I can recognize many psychological maladies common on the left. I’ll save some for future columns, but for now, here are two that come to mind:
1. Projection, the tendency to criticize your opponents for behavior that you actually display, is a big one. The entire left is a pack of Pavlov’s dogs when it comes to accusing us of doing exactly what they actually do.
The most virulent whitey-haters you’ve ever seen are constantly calling us “racists” for saying such offensive things as, “Can we just stop fixating on race, and judge one another by the content of our character and not the color of our skin?”
The same group of miscreants who spent four years using the FBI, CIA, DOJ, KGB, IRS and the Fish and Wildlife Service to go after Trump in an illegitimate effort to bankrupt him and cause him to die in jail, are now hollering “YOU’RE WEAPONIZING THE GOVERNMENT!” because the GOP is investigating Pencil-Neck Schiff and Joe Biden’s autopen.
The cabal of censors who kicked Trump off of all social media, and canceled anybody who suggested that masks might not stop covid and men can’t become women are screeching about “FREE SPEECH!” because Disney took Jimmy Kimmel’s unfunny screech-fest off the air for a few days.
The excuse-making, riot-justifying leftists who have created a permission structure for the 95% of political violence that comes from their side is clutching their pearls over the “tidal wave of right-wing violence” that is as real as Wakanda, Jasmine Crockett’s tough childhood in the ghetto, and Grandma Squanto’s full-blood Commanche maw-maw. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
And never forget: NOBODY IS ABOVE THE LAW! (except for Creepy Comey, Letitia James, Tony Fauci, Lisa Cook, Hillary Clinton, Hunter Biden…)
2. This one’s a throw-away, and you’d think it would be beneath me, unless you’ve read my columns before. But it’s one of Freud’s most controversial diagnoses: p*nis envy.
As a college kid, I thought this one was hilarious, probably cause of an argument I saw a friend have with his girlfriend – alcohol was involved – in which he suggested that she was suffering from PE. (Life lesson learned, vicariously: don’t offer that diagnosis to a lady unless you’ve taken a few steps back and covered your crotch with both hands first, especially if your reflexes have been slowed by a pitcher of beer.)
I wasn’t impressed by Freud, and I didn’t think PE was even a thing. But then I saw the White Guys for Kamala… and I started looking around. And saw Ken-Doll Newsom. And Lil’ Davy Hogg, and Cryin’ Adam Kinzinger.
And I thought hey, maybe Freud wasn’t wrong about EVERYthing. But he missed one important detail, since he thought PE was a condition affecting females. But at least when it comes to Dems, I’m not seeing it. Because their women…don’t seem the slightest bit interested.
Michelle Obama, on the other hand, seems quite happy with hers. So…
Okay. If this is the first column of mine that you’ve read, right about now you might be saying to yourself, “This guy is hard to figure out. Is he a borderline smart dumb guy, or a very dumb smart guy? I mean, he used ‘rodentia’ correctly…but then the juvenile p*enis jokes? What gives?”
If that’s what you are thinking, watch me pull out of this skid by turning to one of my strong suits, which is foreign policy and international diplomacy.
For that we’ll go across the pond to England, where, since it was just Yom Kippur, there was a knife attack outside a synagogue in Manchester. (Unexpectedly!) The murderer has been identified, and you’ll never guess which violent, Jew-hating religion he hails from. (And if you said, “Mamdani-ism” or “Ilhan-Omarian,” or “Democrat,” you get half-credit.)
Here’s a clue. His name, which I swear to you I am not making up, is “Jihad Al-Shamie.” My Arabic is a little rusty, but I think that translates to, “Jihadi the Shameful.”
Fortunately, Mr. Shameful has now been given the new middle name of “ex-“ because British cops arrived and helped him win the mosque-temperature challenge. When the Bobbies got there, he’d stabbed at least five people, killing two, and was in the process of trying to stab a window to get into the synagogue.
You read that correctly. He was stabbing a window.
Because for shameful jihadis, the answer to every question about how to behave in any given situation is always the same: stab! Stab your way into every problem, and then stab your way back out. If at first you don’t succeed, stab, stab again. Stab outside the box. Stab a cold, stab a fever. When in doubt, get to stabbin’.
Which actually works pretty well if you’re practicing jihad in a Dem-run crime-ridden American city, where after your mass stabbing attack you’ll likely be confronted by a social worker with an armful of good intentions and a notebook full of phony gender pronouns.
And THAT’S a situation from which you can definitely stab your way out.
Unfortunately for Stabby McShameful, the British cops who showed up were the rare ones who bring guns to a stab-fight. As a NY Post story put it, “[The cops] gave him a couple of warnings, he didn’t listen, so they opened fire. He started getting back up, and they shot him again.”
YES! Cracking job, guv’ner! Or whatever the few native Britons say in such an instance. (As best I can tell from recent reports, what they mostly say in London lately is, “Allahu akbar!”)
In other news of the Jews, I was glad to see Trump’s Peace Plan for Gaza. It’s not the Simpson Peace Plan for Gaza, which I’ve cribbed from the Manchester plan: “Give them a couple of warnings, and when they don’t listen, open fire. If they get back up, shoot them again.”
And I’m not glad to see it because I think it will bring peace to Gaza. But step one is for Hamas to release all the hostages and surrender, which Hamas will never do. (Because: Hamas!)
When Hamas refuses, the Trump plan skips the rest of the steps and goes straight to the last step (which, if anybody had asked me, should have been the first step): Cry havoc, and let the IDF off the leash to mow through the terrorists the way JB Pritzker, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell mow through a 40-foot-long, food-laden table at the International House of Pancakes.
And lo and behold, no sooner had I finished the shameful Jihadi story in the NY Post, than I saw another story about Hamas’ top military leader in Gaza, a dullard named Ezz al-Din al-Hadad. (Arabic translation: “A waste of two hyphens.”)
Of course, “top military leader in Gaza” isn’t what it used to be, since the top six layers of military leadership in Gaza are gone, having been on the receiving end of the ol’ “kosher ka-boom” in the last couple of years.
So now they’re down to Ezzy al-Osbourne, who used to clean the latrines and manage the goat brothel for Hamas. By the way, his picture in that story pretty much debunks the “Gazans are starving” narrative, all by itself. Ironically enough for a Muslim, he looks a little…porky.
Anyway, he’s already calling for Hamas to reject Trump’s plan, because he wants to keep fighting. Perfect! Bibi will give his guys a short speech which amounts to whatever is Hebrew for, “Saddle up!”
And then Izzy can assemble his arsenal of stabbing implements and weapons-grade body odor, and the IDF can gather their war planes, tanks, drones, Uzis and big-arse Desert Eagle pistols.
Annnndddd…then Ezzy will get to join Hasan Nasrallah and Yahya Sinwar in whichever circle of hell where all the rectal pitch-forking goes on.
Hamas and Trantifa delenda est!
Martin Simpson 
Frickin hilarious. As usual. I used to wonder where you got all your great material, then I realized, Humans.
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