The Happiness Continues (posted 11/11/24)

It’s still sinking in, guys!  It’s five days later, and the relief and the joy – which, it turns out, doesn’t just cometh in the morning, but also the next day, and the next day, and at Thanksgiving, and at Christmas and most definitely in January! – is still sinking in!

My six-day (and counting!) experience of waves of happiness has reminded me of one of my favorite jokes from the late great Norm MacDonald (man, I miss that guy, along with Sam Kinison!).  You can find it online, and Norm tells it way better than I can write it, but it’s about LSD:

“They warned me that you’ve got to be careful with that LSD, because you can have flashbacks.  Ten years can go by, 20 years, 30 years, and then you’ll have a flashback.  And I thought hey, that sounds like a good deal.  You’re telling me that I buy a drug, and I eat it and get high, and then 20 years later, I get high again?  I like to stretch my drug dollar.”  Then he goes on to bemoan the fact that he’s never actually gotten a flashback.  

Well, this Trump victory over Que Mala and all the forces of darkness is giving me what Norm was looking for with his foray into LSD.  Because I got a hat-trick of dopamine, serotonin and endorphins hit me on Tuesday night, and the giddy flashbacks have been coming in quasi-orgasmic waves ever since.  If I were still teaching, my productivity would have dropped off a cliff!

Fortunately for all of us, my vocation now is writing about politics and mocking leftists, so I am a pig in slop.  A Hunter in a brothel!  A Pritzker in a Krispy Kreme factory!!

All of these happiness neurotransmitters are hitting me like the discovery of drugs hit the Beatles, and I feel like I’m ready to get into the studio and knock out the political commentary equivalent of Abbey Road every day for a month!    

In fact, right now I’ve got 4000 words drafted, which is two and a half columns, and I’ve got notes for that many more.  This is likely going to be another 4-column week, at least! 

So all of you who say my columns are too long, and you’re tired of winning, it’s just too much winning… Suck it, Trebek!  The bodies of our political enemies litter the field before us, and it’s time to trample the wounded and hurdle the dead.  (Rhetorically speaking, I mean.)  And to savor the lamentations of their men who identify as women!

Whoo.  Let me catch my breath.

While I do that, the soundtrack for today’s column is a cover of the Beastie Boys’ “Sabotage” by a group called “Brass Against.”  It’s a three-minute adrenalin dump that I’ve been listening to compulsively since Wednesday.

The song captures my paranoia, anxiety and anger about the way the Dems rigged the 2020 elction, and the way I feared they were going to sabotage us again this time.  “Brass Against” is 9 people with the usual players (vocalist, drummer, guitar), but also a great horn section (2 trumpets, 2 trombones, a sousaphone and baritone sax), and their cover is great.  They’ve got the same dirty guitar of the original, and the female vocalist has the same nasal NY Beastie Boys tone, but that brass, though!

Turn it on, and blast it.  And when you get to 1:40, wait for things to crescendo into the cacophonous wall of sound and primal scream that goes on for 30 seconds – THAT’s what I felt when they called PA for Trump!

Okay. If I smoked, I’d be lighting one up right now.  Since I don’t, let’s just move on.

So one of my favorite stories this week appeared in the NY Post, and it covered a TikTok posted by Tim Walz’s daughter after the election.

I know what you’re thinking: That skipping dipsh*t fathered a child?!

Apparently so.  And she’s 23, and named Hope Walz.  (If her middle name isn’t “Less,” I am very disappointed.) She’s got a nose ring, and is the type of angry, narcissistic goofball who has no qualms about recording and posting a whiny video of herself being hilariously wrong about politics.

Unexpectedly!

She’s eating Sponge Bob mac-and-cheese on a couch (as normal adults do), and wants us to know that she’s heartbroken and angry, and that she doesn’t think too highly of Trump and Vance.  She says that she’s grateful to be her, and glad “that she’s on the side of love, hope, joy and progress.” 

Wow!  A leftist white lady who thinks that she’s just aces, and looks down on everybody who disagrees with her?  The hell you say!

She does get one thing right, though.  “This country does not deserve Kamala Harris!”

Amen, sister, and thank God!

An extra bonus I got from reading that story?  I learned that Trump beat Harris and Walz in Walz’s home county in Minnesota.  HA!  

In the same vein as poor Hope(less) Walz, I’ve been enjoying another bullet dodged by my younger, single, male brethren.  I’m talking about the trend of leftist females going online to proclaim that they’re going on a sex strike against men.  A few of them have even shaved their heads on camera, as a means of protesting the election.

Which gives me many thoughts.

Thoughts such as, “So you’re still happy with having hairy armpits and legs, but the hair on your head is what has to go?”

And, “I’m not saying these ladies are unattractive.  But when shaving your head is a lateral move, looks-wise…”

And, “I don’t think you know what motivates straight guys at all.  I mean, if someone who looks like Melania or Megyn Kelly says she’s on a sex strike, most guys are going to be flying a flag of mourning at half-mast.  (And yes, you may have just detected an extremely subtle double entendre right there.) 

But these gals?  It’s a big combo of “meh” and “whew!”

I’ve also learned another new thing when I came across these stories, many of which have the term “4B” on the screen.  And because I’m not just a pretty face and a razor-sharp wit, I buckled down and did some research to enlighten CO nation.  (It’s a cliché because it’s true: we Simpsons are working dogs, not show dogs.)

And it turns out that the term “4B” has its origins in a feminist movement that started in South Korea, and it refers to “four Korean words beginning with ‘bi’ or “no” in English:  1. Bihon (no marriage with men), 2 Bichulsan (no childbirth), 3. Biyeonae (no dating men), 4. Bisekseu (no heterosexual sexual relationships). 

If all of these TikTokers will allow me to man-splain something – because I know that feminist “4B” chicks must really love that – they could have saved themselves 3 auxiliary Bs, and boiled their cunning plan down to just the 4th B. 

Because if “bisekseu” means “no hetero sex,” that’ s going to pretty much preclude the other three Bs.  (I really hope that the Korean education system is better than ours, and that Korean women thus already understand that if there’s no hetereo-sex going on, they’re not going to have to worry about childbirth!) (Or marriage, for that matter.)

I like to think that we can all learn from everything we read, and I’ve learned a valuable life-hack from this research.  Because for most of my life, I’ve been plagued with a recurring problem: when women encounter me – in class, or on the street, or in a restaurant or store – some of them will take note of my firm jawline and dreamy eyes, and approach me flirtatiously.

If my wife is with me at such times, she’ll give them a look that communicates her ferocious Viking heritage, and they will slowly back away, trembling.  But if I’m alone, things are trickier.  That’s why I carry a collapsible metal baton that I can open with a flick of my wrist and wield defensively.  (I used to carry a pitching wedge with me at all times for this purpose, but that got awkward in some social settings.)

But now that I’ve read about the delightfully diverse Korean culture, I’ve got a new strategy.  I’ll just raise both arms in front of me, palms outward, and say in a firm and loud voice, “Bisekseu!”

I’ve already shared this brilliant strategy with CO and the other Roving Correspondents, and I’m sharing it with all of you now.  You’re welcome.

Okay, another column’s coming tomorrow, but I’ve got to leave you with my favorite unhinged leftist proposal from the last several days.  (And the competition is stiff!) 

CNN bonehead Bakari Sellers floated the idea of Biden replacing Sonia Sotomayor on the Supreme Court before Trump takes office in January.  That’s not a bad idea from the Democrats’ point of view: Sotomayor is 70 and rumored to have some health issues, so they’d love to avoid another RBG situation and put a younger far-left justice on the court before the Orange Menace takes over.

But then Bakari shows that he may have been dipping into the Bacardi.  Because his recommended replacement for Sotomayor is… wait for it… Kamala Harris!

That’s right, the woman who just definitively proved that she is not qualified to run a lemonade stand, and is the emptiest of all empty pantsuits…  He thinks SHE would be a good pick for the highest court in the land! 

Of course, Bakari is just like most of our leftist elites who expected that she’d be the next president.  They thought they’d be able to ride a wave of faux joy and smearing us as Nazis into another four devastating years in the White House.  Thank God they were so wildly wrong!

Or as the Beastie Boys might have told them, “Your crystal ball ain’t so crystal clear.”

Speaking of Nazis, on this Veterans’ Day, I’ll bet a ton of our military heroes, from those who hit the beaches in Normandy to go kick some socialist arse in 1944 all the way up to today, are celebrating Trump’s forthcoming second term along with all of us.   

Hamas delenda est!

More Delicious Fall-Out From the Election (posted 11/8/24)

I feel like we are all close enough by now that I can start this column out on a personal note. 

I have been blessed to live a life in which I’ve had more than my share of great weeks.  There was the week I closed on and married my wife – a woman so far out of my league that I still have to look up at her through a telescope, like Lord Nelson scanning the horizon from the deck of his flagship in the late 17th century.

There were the weeks in 1997 and 2002 when my daughters were born, and the week in 2013 when Cassie the Wonder Dog joined our family.  Not to mention the fourth week of January 1986, when the greatest NFL team in history (Da Bears) won the Super Bowl.

But this week isn’t even over yet, and it’s already edged out the Bears, the Wonder Dog, and one of the daughters’ birth.  (Never mind which one, because that would hurt her feelings.) (And yes, of course, I’m kidding!)

I have spent the last two days scanning the internet and flipping through channels, savoring the greatest election of my lifetime, and I haven’t even scratched the surface yet.  I’m awash in dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins, along with just the right amount of bourbon. 

I’m actually whistling to myself, like a dwarf in a Disney movie! 

In fact, I’m having physiological reactions that are probably not healthy, if they last too long.  My hilarious, over-performing brain has been competing for precious blood supply with other parts of my body, and my brain is not entirely winning, to the extent that I am experiencing intermittent difficulties in just maintaining consciousness.

Perhaps I’ve said too much. 

By the way, after I mentioned several songs that were my soundtrack for the election night and early morning, CO nation member Bruce Townshend (for whom I would much more happily yell, “Brrrruuuuuce!” than I would for Springsteen these days) suggested that I provide a soundtrack for each column that I write. 

While I’m not sure I can sustain that, I know the song that’s become an earworm over my last 36 hours.  It’s the theme song from the greatest of all live-action puppet movies, Team America: World Police.  It first popped into my head when I heard that Bibi Netanyahu quickly called Trump with congratulations, and I immediately thought about what the leaders of Iran, Hezbollah and Hamas must have thought when they found out that Trump is coming back.

Use Duckduckgo.com (not commie Google) to find that theme song, and prepare to meld your thoughts with mine.  Language alert though: it’s a cheerfully and childishly vulgar song, and if “F” bombs are beyond the pale for you, please don’t listen!   

I have been giddily watching leftist celebrities melting down since the election.  Jimmy Kimmel’s tearful reaction was especially delicious, with perfect tones of whiny, emotional narcissism throughout. (He’s more of a woman than Melania Trump is, and that’s neither an insult to her nor a compliment to him!)

He ran through a list of people for whom election night “was a terrible night,” including women, hard-working immigrants, healthcare workers, scientists, free speech fans, poor people, the middle class, seniors, etc.  Of course he didn’t mention whether the immigrants are here illegally or not, and he laughably suggested that free speech is more welcomed among his Soviet-style censoring friends than it will be under Trump and Elon.   

And his complete lack of self-awareness is clear when he frets over the poor and middle class, both of whom voted for Trump in greater numbers than ever before.

He ends perfectly: It was a terrible night for those who voted against Trump (finally, an accurate one!), and, “It was also a bad night for everyone who voted for him.  You just don’t realize it yet.”

Got that?  You – meaning the majority of the country now – are so stupid that you don’t even realize what a terrible mistake you’ve made.  Jimmy knows better, and you’ve really let him down.

Joy(less) Reid made a similarly idiotic point, saying that Kamala “ran a flawless campaign.” Her evidence?  “Queen Latifah never endorses candidates, but she did this time.”  Kamala lined up “all kinds of celebrity endorsements.” 

Yes she did.  And as we’ve all heard our whole lives, “As goes Queen Latifah, so goes the nation.”  

Yet somehow, all of that celebrity preaching – Springsteen’s caterwauling, the Avengers’ lame repartee, Bill Maher’s nasal condescension – didn’t work with regular people. 

Unexpectedly!

We’ve disappointed them all, from DeNiro, Streisand and Oprah to Michael Moore, Taylor Swift, and the harpies on the View, etc. and etc. 

“How are we ever going to get through this?” you are not asking.  Because just like me, you know that you will somehow manage to persevere in spite of the crushing disappointment we’ve inflicted on our leftist betters. 

Sorry: BECAUSE of that disappointment, not “in spite of” it.

Probably my favorite backfiring leftist outreach came from actress Julia Roberts.  She did the voice-over for a creepy ad recommending that clever, secretly Kamala-loving wives lie to their slow-witted Trump-supporting husbands, telling the hubbies that they’d voted for Trump when they’d actually voted for the Cackler.

Since everyone knows that the keys to a healthy marriage are deceiving your spouse and voting for vapid idiots, you’ll be shocked to learn that Roberts has gone through a long series of high-profile break-ups and one divorce, and is now married to a guy she messed around with when he was married to someone else.

Man, I hope that dude just voted for Trump while wearing a “White Dudes for Kamala” button!  

The drama-queen leftist politicians have been as much fun to watch as the leftist celebrities. Illinois Governor Pritzker (D-irigible) had a tough-guy warning for Trump.  “I’m a happy eater.  So you come for my comically oversized turkey leg, you [have to] come through me!”

Which I found pretty confusing.  I mean, I don’t know why—

Oh, hang on.  I got that quote wrong.  He actually said, “I’m a happy warrior,” and, “You come for my people, you come through me!” 

Which sounds more logical, but less true.  Does he think Trump is threatening the suffering people of Illinois, or that he’s ‘coming for them’?” 

Though I’ll grant you one thing: if Trump wants to get at Illinois residents and to do so he has to “go through” Pritzker, he’s going to need some sort of an armored vehicle – preferably with a sturdy cow-catcher mounted on the front of it – to get through the Round Mound of Unsound (policy).

I am especially loving watching the top Dems and their camps pointing fingers and blaming each other.  It’s often said that there’s no way to fix a problem until you’ve correctly diagnosed what caused it.  If that’s true, the Dems better prepare for a lot more losing in the near future. 

Because after watching more hours of MSNBC and CNN in the last two days than I have in the previous several years, I don’t see anybody learning any lessons over there!

Many of them are blaming Joe Biden, either for running for a second term at all, or for staying in there so late.  And of course they’ve got a point, since he deteriorated frightfully by the middle of his term.  But they’re all acting like the Democrat machine and party base were blameless in that situation.

It’s not like Biden descended from heaven, and they all had no choice in the matter!  Everyone could plainly see his infirmity and his “cuckoo fried chicken” mental state in 2020. 

But since Bernie scares any voters who aren’t far-left commies, and the rest of their bench looked like a bunch of dysfunctional rejects from a bottom-dwelling triple-AAA farm club, they anointed Joey Gaffes as the party nominee, then shoved him into the basement and later managed to drag him out and across the finish line that November.

Then, after his first two disastrous years – with the opened border; the wasteful geyser of trillions shoved out the door on far-left boondoggles; the bloody mess of the nightmarish Afghanistan pull-out; the screaming rant in front of Independence Hall set-dressed as the 1930s Reichstag; the raging inflation and the monumental civil rights violation of useless forced masking and vaxing – you idiots let him run again, without a primary!      

Many are blaming Que Mala, and of course they have a point too: she is metaphysically terrible, as everybody saw when she got zero primary votes and dropped out early in 2019.  When Joe picked her explicitly because she checked a few DEI boxes, they got what they deserved: a meritless DEI candidate.

Then when Joe’s decay accelerated before and during the midterms in 2022, they could have opened their party up to a traditional primary – as people who pretend to believe in “our sacred democracy” are supposed to do.  But they didn’t do that. 

In fact, they screwed the couple of people who tried to challenge his Posthumous Excellency.  They changed rules so that any votes that went to another candidate in a primary would automatically go to Biden.  As people who pretend to believe in “our sacred democracy” would NEVER do.

They boxed out Marianne “Cray-Cray Crystal Lady” Williamson, and sabotaged RFK Jr. like a bunch of cowardly Sirhan Sirhans.  The way a party which pretends to believe in “our sacred democracy” would NEVER do. 

Thus causing one more layer of sweet irony, when a spurned RFK Jr. joined forces with Trump, and possibly added enough disenfranchised Dem voters to Trump’s total that it may have made a difference in the final result! 

For once, a Kennedy got to kill his would-be political assassins!  (Too soon?)

So they used every dirty trick possible to prevent a democratic primary and crowned Joey Gaffes.  And then he did an amazing Dana Carvey impression in the debate, and panic ensued.

But even THEN, the Dems could have scrambled to put on a “shotgun primary.”  But no.  They had a DEI hire right there, and one of the many reasons that you should never hire somebody for DEI reasons is that it’s nearly impossible to ever FIRE any such person. 

So they ended up in a hilarious dilemma.  They had stuck themselves with Biden, and when he shuffled off this mortal coil, they stuck themselves with Que Mala. 

And now they’re mad at Biden for being so Biden-y, and Que Mala for being so Mala, and they’re pointing fingers at anyone other than themselves.

More please!   

Hamas delenda est!

Basking in the Election Aftermath!(posted 11/7/24)

What a day, CO nation! Trump won the electoral college, and he won the popular vote.  He even won white suburban women.  And more blacks and Hispanics than any other GOP candidate in history!

We’ve got the Senate, and most hopefully the House too, if only by a bit.  It’s going to be a great Thanksgiving, and a happy Christmas.  Our long national nightmare is just about over! 

I slept about 3 hours last night, and I’m still feeling a little bit hungover, but not in a bad way.  I’d say the issue is about 10% bourbon, 50% relief, and 40% schadenfreude.  And now that I’m retired and don’t have to go into work, I’m going to try to keep nursing all three of those into and through this coming weekend, at least!

Here’s my soundtrack for the last 16 hours: “Here Comes the Sun” (because you have to have some Beatles) Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah (from when Disney was Disney), “I Should Have Known It” (Because: Tom Petty.  Also, that guitar lick, the bald brother on drums, and the message to the Dems: “It’s over now you see?  It’s the last time you’re gonna hurt me!”).

And Ray Charles and the Voices of Jubilation Singers doing “Oh Happy Day.” Because: Ray Charles in a leisure suit/tux, a Yamaha keyboard, and a crowd of dashikis backing him up.  As a Christian, the lines, “Oh happy day, oh happy day, when Jesus washed my sins away,” are always going to resonate with me. 

Also, is it a coincidence that “when Jesus washed the Dems away” also fits the rhyme scheme there?

It is not.

At the beginning of the night, I was so nervous that I took Cassie the Wonder Dog for her evening walk earlier than usual.  Then, when some of the early returns were not looking so great, I took another long walk. 

Then I walked the floors a lot while I was on the phone and/or texting with a cousin, an old buddy from grad school, and even the great and powerful CO himself.   (My favorite line of his was when he described the atmosphere on MSNBC as “Shakespearean despondency filtered through a membrane of bitterness!”) 

So I managed to get my 6000 daily steps in.  And then 14,000 more!

And sometime around 11 o’clock, when it was clear that things were going our way, I began to relax, and started with the celebratory bourbon.  Around 2:00 a.m., after Pennsylvania was called and Trump had won, I took another long walk, during which I prayed and whistled and smelled some very nice, late-flowering night-blooming jasmine in the neighborhood.

I walked past some of the Harris/Walz and “We love abortion!” yard signs in the surrounding blocks.  I stopped next to them, in case Cassie needed to relieve herself.  But because she’s too classy for that – and also a female – she declined to raise a leg on them.  

I considered doing that myself, but because I am too classy for that – and also because I’d gone before I left the house – I refrained.

And now I’ve spent the whole day flipping back and forth between news channels and making the rounds of my favorite websites, soaking in the good news, and savoring the defeat of those bad actors who sorely needed defeating. 

There’s so much news out there that we’ll all be digesting it in the coming days, so I thought I’d just do a little freestyle rambling about what has caught my attention so far…

I love that the Obamas have been smacked down and thwarted!  Some black commentators on the lefty channels criticized Barack for scolding black males for not coming out for the Empty Pantsuit.  His creepy invocation of the “fine people on both sides” lie on the eve of the election richly merited the comeuppance he got.  And Michelle’s angry closing speech repulsed everyone who wasn’t already in her camp.

But Barack’s a dishonest racial arsonist, and liars gonna lie.  And the Scowling Wookie’s gonna scowl!  And it availed them nothing!  HA!

Even though the popular vote is electorally irrelevant, I’m really glad that Trump won it.  The Dems made a big deal in 2016 about the “unfairness” of him winning the election despite Hillary getting more votes than him.  And for low-info voters who don’t understand the electoral college, I can understand their frustration.

But with Trump winning the popular vote, they can’t lie about how they “really won,” or his victory wasn’t legitimate.  (Even though many of them still will.)  

Their white-hot hatred of Trump makes their defeat even sweeter!  They’ve been calling him a Nazi moron and a misogynist half-wit fascist, not to mention a Satanically evil yet cartoonishly incompetent buffoon, while at the same time a grave threat to democracy.  They say he’s a rapist and a convicted felon, and the worst president in our country’s history.

And yet, when the American public looked at him, and then at Kamala, they said, “We’ll take felon, rapist, Satan-Hitler, please.”

There hasn’t been a popular democratic choice so humiliating since the 15th century, when Romanians – faced with the choice of living under the rule of Ottoman Muslims or local prince Vlad the Impaler, model for Bram Stoker’s Count Dracula – chose Vlad!

Got that, Democrats?  We’d rather elect Orange “Don the Impaler” Dracula than the Cackler and the Knucklehead!        

Also, how great is it that in a year when the entire Democrat party pinned their hopes on a titanic uprising among women voters – whom they assured us were super-motivated to retain the right to kill their children up until their second trimester in kindergarten – Donald Trump became the president who defeated BOTH of the “first female president” candidates? 

I haven’t seen anyone beat two women that badly since that tranny Algerian guy in the Olympics! (Which the leftist commentariat supported by the way, so spare me the “we care about women!” talking point.)

Ooh, that reminds me of a story about that guy, which I swear I am not making up.  A French hospital released a report on Monday claiming that he’s got XY chromosomes, internal testicles and a “micro-penis.” 

Now that I’ve written that, I can’t give you the pop quiz question I thought of last night after my second bourbon:

Who reportedly has internal testes and a micro-penis?

A.  Algerian “female” boxer dude

B. Tim Walz (when Minnesota still hadn’t been called by 11:00 p.m.)

C. Doug Emhoff (when Que Mala found out about the nanny)

D. Poor Adam Kinzinger  

Answer: Yes.

One other activity I’m enjoying today is revisiting all those who predicted that Kamala would win this election.  Even some members of CO nation – you know who you are! – seemed confidently pessimistic that Orange Man was no match for the tag team of Empty Woman and the Meretricious Media.   

Wrong celebrities are even more fun.  Old Snakehead Carville promised that Kamala would whip Trump.  Whoopi Goldberg – I loved her in Ghost (“Molly, you in danger, girl!”) and when she was the Predator in that Schwarzenegger movie – introduced Kamala for her fateful interview on The View as “the next President of the United States!”

But the most entertaining errors come from the pollsters who botch their predictions.  Kamala fans got a confidence boost from Ann Selzer’s poll for the Des Moines Register on Sunday that showed Trump losing Iowa by 3 points.  That pollster and poll are “the gold standard,” we were told.

And then… Trump wins Iowa by 13.  So close! 

I could throw a dart at a board, even after three bourbons, and land on a number closer to the real vote total than that!  I mean sure, I might miss the dartboard the first time or two.  But that third throw would come closer than 16 points off! 

But my favorite inaccurate pollster story this time involves academic nerd Allan Lichtman, the very confident inventor of what he calls the “’13 Keys’ System.”  His keys don’t relate directly to a specific candidate, but to general election conditions, such as whether the incumbent party candidate is the sitting president, or there is a strong short-term economy. 

He claimed that his keys have predicted the election winner in 9 of the last 10 presidential elections, and he confidently predicted a Kamala win on 11/5.  He argued with Nate Silver, who saw a tied contest but said his “gut” told him Trump would win.

Lichtman had me worried, so after Trump won I looked back at his system more closely, and identified my mistake.  It turns out that three of his keys were actually keys of coke. 

So I guess that one’s on me.

Finally, I love the long odds that Trump overcame to win this. 

After the bitterness of 2020, and earning the anger of many of us for his undisciplined pique that cost us control over the Senate with the two Georgia losses in January of 2021, Trump launched the most unbelievable comeback in American political history.  He had already persisted through sham investigations and two sham impeachments, and then he shouldered through a wave of lawfare cases and ridiculous verdicts that would have doomed a normal candidate, followed by surviving two assassination attempts, and then out-working his opponents at an age when most of us are retired or dead.

I mean, the guy was driving a garbage route ten days ago, and now he’s the incoming leader of the free world!  Only in America!  

Hamas delenda est!

Some Mockery, Followed by Election Predictions (posted 11/4/24)

At the end of this column, I’m going to provide – probably foolishly – my predictions for the election.  But first, it’s been several days since my last column, so there are many stories deserving mockery: 

Immediately prior to this weekend, Joe Biden damaged the Harris/Walz ticket twice.  He deflated Kamala’s hysterical prediction that Trump will one day put his enemies in jail by saying that “we should lock [Trump] up!” and he defanged the no-name comedian’s “Puerto Ricans are garbage” gaffe by calling half the country “garbage.”

The story was that Que Mala’s campaign had demanded that he not speak in public until after the election.  So I love to picture their consternation when an intern ran into the war room shouting, “Biden has put a foot in his mouth again!”

Biden Hack 1: Oh no, what did he say this time?

Intern: What?  No.  He didn’t put HIS foot in his mouth.  He put a baby’s foot in his mouth, at a Halloween party at the White House.

Hack 1: Gross!  But… (looking around at the other flunkies who have sold their souls to Satan)… that’s better, isn’t it?  I mean, he didn’t say anything to screw us, right?

Hack 2: I guess.  Chewing on babies’ feet is crazy, but everyone knows he’s crazy by now.  I think we dodged that bullet.

Hack 1: Whew!  Okay, let’s get back to our plans to cheat and steal the vote in battleground states.

Three…hours…lay-tair…

Intern (breathlessly bursting through the door): Biden escaped the White House—

Hack 1: What?  How?  Tell me he didn’t eat a baby!

Intern (shaking his head and catching his breath):  No.  He somehow snuck onto a plane to Philly.

Hack 1: Not Pennsylvania!  (looking around the table)  Who was supposed to be watching him?

Hack 3 (looking at his shoes):  Hunter.

Hack 1: Are you Schiffing me?  You’re fired!  (Hack 3 sadly stands, picks up his notepad and Vape pen and shuffles toward the door.)  Is it too late to divert the flight?  Possibly to Greenland?

Intern: No, he landed 40 minutes ago.

Hacks 1-13 (minus #3):  F**k! S**t!!!

Intern: Secret Service scrambled, and had a car waiting for him on the runway.  But he walked right past it and wandered away.

Hack 2: Please god, tell me he walked into a spinning propeller!

Hack 4: Or he stumbled out onto an active runway and a landing jet smashed him!

Intern:  No.  Secret Service chased him down and got him into the car.  Then they took him to a press conference.

Hack 1: What?!  No!!  We said no talking!

Hack 2: What did he say?

Intern: Well, he talked about back when he was in Scranton.

Hack 4: Oh god.

Intern: And then he said… that… he wanted to smack Trump in the ass.

Hack (dropping his head onto the table): F***!  No!

Hack 2 (putting a hand on Hack 1’s shoulder): Wait a minute, hang on.  What did he say, exactly?

Hack 4: That might not be so bad, right?  All of our voters hate Trump so much, they might not even mind.

Intern: Well, his exact words were, “These are the kind of guys you like to smack in the ass!” Unquote.

Hack 1 (head still on the table): Great.  He said it about Trump AND his voters.  (Everyone around the table moans.)  How are we going to spin this?

A long, painful silence hangs in the air.  Finally, Hack 12 – from the far end of the table – says, “Maybe we could say there was an apostrophe in the sentence?”

Hack 1 (head still on the table):  You’re fired.  Get out. (Hack 12 picks up his vape pen and his crack pipe, and slowly exits.)

Hack 8:  Let’s just think about this for a minute.  He didn’t say he wants to KICK his ass, right?

Intern (shaking his head):  He said, “smack.”

Hack 8:  Good.  Kicking your ass is violent.  But “smacking” your ass is…

Hack 6:  Sexual assault?  We’re trying to get male votes, and Flat Line says he wants to smack the asses of half the country!  How’s that going to play in Peoria?

Hack 5: I wish it was AOC’s ass we were talking about.  That might get us a few male votes!

Hack 1 (lifting his head and slumping back into his chair):  Why would he be babbling about smacking AOC’s ass?  She’s on our side.

Hack 5 (defensively): Well, she’s got a juicy booty, right?  (All of the other hacks stare at him balefully, and he holds his hands up, palms out.)  Hey, her words, not mine!

Hack 1: But it wasn’t about AOC, was it?  It was about Trump and/or his supporters.  So where does that leave us?

Hack 2: I only see two options.

Hack 1 (looking at him for a moment, then sighing deeply, defeated):  Okay.  Raise your hand if you think we should say that the President’s comment was encouraging violence?  (Everybody looks at each other.  A few hands tentatively go up.)

Hack 1: Okay, now raise your hand if you think we should say that his comment was just meant to be homo-erotic?

And, scene.  

Meanwhile, Kamala diverted from a flight to Detroit on Saturday so that she could go to NYC and appear in the cold open of Saturday Night Live.  (On the bright side, the poor Detroit residents have suffered enough, and at least they were spared a Kamala speech!)  Because if there’s one thing she’s known for, it’s her deft comic touch. 

Annnnnnddddd… Yikes! That was one of the most awkward things I’ve ever seen in my life. 

And I’ve seen Grandma Squanto trying to drink a beer like a normal person, and Tim Walz trying to load a shotgun, and Donald Trump inviting several of Bill Clinton’s groping victims to his debate with Hillary, where Bill Clinton sat in the front row, sweating like a Que Mala in church. 

To top it all off, it turns out that the skit she did – she sat on one side of a “mirror” and talked to Kamala-imitator Maya Rudolph, as if she were having a dialogue with herself – had actually been done before. 

In 2015. 

By Donald Trump, talking to Jimmy Fallon, who was made up to look like Trump.

You can’t make this stuff up.  Kamala has been criticized for stealing Trump’s policy ideas, such as his “no tax on tips” proposal and his advocacy for a border wall.  So then she goes on SNL and… rips off the same skit he did 9 years ago!  And, as it happens, he was much funnier.

Unexpectedly!

Okay, I am reckless enough that I am going to make a few election predictions.  And that’s despite the fact that I did so before the 2022 elections, and was wildly optimistic, and wildly wrong. 

I thought that after the first two horrific years of the Biden administration, there would be a red wave, and I predicted something like 53/54 GOP Senate seats and a gain of around 34 House seats.  Instead, the Dems held the Senate, and we only picked up a handful of House seats, and then only because there were mini red waves in FL and NY. 

So I have a lousy track record at this.  But I’m not letting that stop me from trying again.

This time my gut tells me that Trump is going to win, but the polls make little sense to me, as they’re suggesting a lot of contradictory and counter-intuitive outcomes.

First, the “top line” of the polls – suggesting that every battle ground state is practically tied, as is the national popular vote – makes no sense in terms of those same polls’ cross-tabs.  How can Trump be way ahead of past races with blacks, Latinos, Jews, young people etc. – not ahead in terms of getting a majority, but ahead of the usual amount by which GOP candidates trail with those groups – and yet be tied overall?

Second, how can Trump seem to have so much momentum, and yet not be breaking away numerically? 

Even leftist Trump haters are admitting – through clenched teeth – that his McDonald’s and garbage man stunts have been wildly effective.  His appearance with Joe Rogan has gotten 40 million views and rave reviews.  And his surrogates – JD, RFK Jr., Elon, Tulsi – have been hitting one home run after another for the last several weeks.

Conversely, the large voter group of the PWFEs (People With Functioning Eyes) have seen Kamala doing terribly in every interview and speech.  Reliable leftist unions and newspapers that always endorse Dems have not endorsed her.  And her surrogates have been as bad as Trump’s have been good. 

Joe Biden and Bill Clinton are stomping on her every talking point. Walz is a skipping dipsh*t nightmare. Mark Cuban is insulting all of the female Trump voters, and Barack and Michelle are insulting all the male ones. 

3.  CO has been posting the betting odds, which my gut tells me are more reliable than most polling, since you know the people putting money on the line are at least honestly indicating what they expect to happen, as opposed to pollsters who are very often partisan and have skin in the game, either transparently or covertly.  And those show a 61/39 expectation of a Trump win.

4. Even more important, to me, is to watch what the various campaigns do, as opposed to what they say.  For example, when Kamala took ad money out of NC late last week to spend it elsewhere, that told me that her people believe that NC is a lost cause for them.  (That doesn’t mean they’re right, but it’s at least an honest indicator of what they really think – a super rare thing from any Democrat campaign!)

In that vein, I think a couple of huge indicators have not been talked about enough: in the last several weeks, Democrat Senate candidates in four important states – Baldwin in WI, Casey in PA, Slotkin in MI and Sherrod Brown in OH – have put out their own ads distancing themselves from Biden/Harris and touting agreements with Trump. 

In OH that makes sense, because it’s now a red state that Trump will win, but in WI, MI and PA?  Those are supposed to be razor’s edge states, and yet high-profile Dem senators are going to knife their own party to snuggle up to Trump?  And no other prominent Dems are trashing them over that?

That suggests that their own polling is showing that Harris will likely lose in their states, and they don’t want to be sucked down in her under-tow.  (Yes, okay, insert your own Willie Brown joke here.) 

Finally, there is good and bad news on the “Democrat cheating” front.  The bad news is that they’re still trying to cheat as much as they did before, with documented dirty tricks (and at least limited success) in GA, PA and other battleground states.  The good news is that the GOP has worked harder to counter that this time around, and has responded quickly and pushed back.  But there’s still a lot to worry about on that front. 

Having said all that, here are my best guesses:

President:  If pollsters are still generally underestimating Trump’s vote by even half as much as they did in 2016 and 2020 (i.e. from 3-5 points nationwide, and averaging around 2-4 in the battlegrounds), his narrow leads and/or ties in the battlegrounds could easily turn into a sweep that gets him around 325-330 in the electoral college. 

That’s my best-case scenario. Right now the RCP averages, with no toss-up states, gives him around 287, which is (please, please God!) my worst-case scenario.  I’m just praying that he wins the electoral college by enough votes that Dem cheating or legal challenges in any one state won’t be able to reverse the result!

Senate: I don’t see how we don’t at least take the Senate with 51 seats, given that WV and Montana both seem to be nearly certain pickups.  But if my sweep scenario above happens, Trump could have coat-tails that might pull narrow Senate underdogs in WI, MI, PA and OH across the finish line, for a total of 55 GOP Senate seats in my best-case scenario.

House: No idea.  RCP averages show 42 seats as “in play,” with the GOP currently holding 201 to the Dems’ 192 seats.  Their generic House preference is now 0.4% for the GOP, so if the GOP gets slightly more than half of those 42 seats, they’d have around 223ish seats to the Dems’ 212.  My best-case scenario in the event of a GOP good night might add a half-dozen seats to the GOP total.    

Okay, those are my guesses.  (And, let’s be honest, my prayers!)  Maybe you all could add your predictions to the comments?

If you haven’t already voted, please get out and vote on Tuesday!  A Trump win is essential, but winning by a large margin – and maybe even winning the popular vote – would greatly strengthen his ability to get a lot done in the next two years.

Hamas – and Harris/Walz – delenda est!

Kamala’s Wheels Come Off, & Israel Continues On Its Roll (posted 11/1/24)

Could Bill Clinton be collaborating with Joe Biden to sink Kamala’s campaign? 

First there was his incredibly damaging statement a few weeks ago that Laken Riley would still be alive if her illegal alien murderer had been vetted and kept out of the country, which was greeted by an echoing cry of, “WTF?!!” from Kamala HQ.

And this week he goes to Michigan, just a day after Kamala almost sliced herself to ribbons by grabbing a sharp rod during a factory tour.  (“Can I touch that rod?  Can I TOUCH that ROD?  CAN I TOUCH THAT ROD?!”) (And yes, the Willie Brown jokes are basically writing themselves at this point.)

This time the old horn-dog said, “I don’t think it’s right to say that people have to vote for Donald Trump because the economy was better then.”  And the partisan crowd moaned.  Meanwhile, whoever is running Kamala’s campaign sent an urgent text to ol’ Handsy McGroperton: “Stop helping, Bill!”

Also could there be a funnier headline than, “Biden Bites Several Babies at WH Halloween Party?”  I mean sure, he’s probably just gumming them, which is repulsive enough.  But man o’Manischewitz, if Trump wins this thing it will have been the best campaign ever! 

Just think of the sound bites that should live in infamy: “Your supporters are garbage!”  “They’re eating the dogs; they’re eating the cats!” “Biden is biting babies!”  Oh, the humanity!

Meanwhile, in another story that should be devastating to Kamala’s campaign if it were only getting wider airplay, it turns out that a huge majority of the scumbags who were caught looting in the aftermath of the last two hurricanes in Florida were… wait for it… alleged salt-of-the-earth immigrants!

Unexpectedly!

And by “immigrants” I mean “Biden/Harris-enabled ILLEGAL immigrants.”  The NY Post has the story – and the stats – from the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office: of the 45 looters rounded up on various robbery charges, 41 were illegals.  41 out of 45! 

Another stat, which I’m unpleasantly surprised by, is that of another 196 people who “were caught in the area under suspicious circumstances and questioned by deputies but had to be released due to lack of probable cause,” 163 were illegals. 

The disappointing part is that even in the free state of Florida, we’re still not detaining illegals just because they broke our laws to get here.  Even if there was insufficient probable cause to hold them for their looter-adjacent behavior, if they’re here illegally, they should still be deported!

Am I saying that all illegals found here, especially if they’ve committed additional crimes, should be summarily kicked out, possibly with the trigger finger on their right hands clipped off so that we can recognize them if they ever try to sneak back in again?

I’m not necessarily saying that last part for sure.  But – say it with me, Que Mala – I think we should have that conversation!

Okay, on to my long-delayed take on the latest out of Israel, which has been mostly a cavalcade of good news. 

In one area after another, the IDF has been making terrorists dead, and forcing their twitchy, involuntarily incontinent surviving comrades to run and hide, thus protecting the chastity of the region’s many herds of long-suffering goats. 

(“Bleat” means “bleat,” Achmed! Which is goat-talk for, “No means no!”)

(This message provided by RASA – Ruminants Against Sexual Assault™ — a 501(c)(3) organization.  Please give generously.)

I’ll get to some of the best missile/drone strikes in a minute, but first I must give kudos to an unusual attack on Hezbollah’s ability to finance their various Jew-killing endeavors. 

Since Western nations have been sanctioning Hezbollah’s more traditional assets (international bank accounts, etc.), they’ve been forced to keep a bunch of their ill-gotten gains in the form of paper money and gold, stashed throughout the territories they control.

On October 20th, IDF missiles destroyed one underground vault containing millions of dollars.  Then they cleverly announced that there is another such vault under the Al Sahel Hospital in Beirut which contains “as much as half a billion dollars in cash and gold.”  Their spokesman pointed out that, “This money could and still can be used to rebuild the state of Lebanon.” 

That is a brilliant move for several reasons: 

1. It freaks out the terrorists by providing more evidence of just how much the Israelis know about them and their every move. 

2. It incentivizes everyday Lebanese to both be pissed at Hezbollah, and possibly to stage a raid to steal that fortune back.  And if nobody is writing a screenplay for a heist movie – call it some Islamic variation on “Ocean’s 11” – they’re leaving money on the table. (I picture someone dressed in a sexy goat suit providing a honey-trap distraction to lure several Hezbollah fighters away from the hospital entrance they’re guarding.  Ooh, and a high-speed donkey-cart chase through the rubble-clogged streets of Beirut, possibly accompanied by the “Mission Impossible” theme song, if the producers can afford copyright!) 

3. It also incentivizes nervous Hezbollah creeps to possibly try to move the treasure, which would make them vulnerable to raids from other Lebanese on the road – another screenplay possibility! – and to spying Israeli drones which could follow and learn the new location it gets sent to, and also possibly to blow up that location as soon as the stolen money arrives.

But the wily Hebrews weren’t just playin 4-D chess with their heist-movie shenanigans; they’ve also continued to go all “Death from the Skies!” on the smelly terrorists with missiles and drone strikes.

They had already dropped a building on Nasrallah’s successor Hashem Safieddine a few weeks after he got the top job, while simultaneously taking out 24 other top Hezbollah villains, including the head of Hezbollah’s “intelligence” branch (oxymoron alert!), Ali Hussein Hazima.

Then, last Wednesday, Israel took out Mohamad Abu Itiwi with a missile strike.  Itiwi had a demon’s resume: commander of Hamas’ “elite” Nukhba force; personally responsible for “contributing to the deaths of a least 370 victims” during the cowardly 10/7 attack; led the infamous “bomb shelter slaughter,” during which his men tossed hand-grenades into a shelter filled mostly with women and children.

Most shamefully of all, he was also an employee of the United Nations, specifically their “Relief and Works Agency” for “Palestinian” “refugees” (UNRWA), which is just one of many corrupt UN groups through which our tax dollars have flowed to help the jihadis in Hamas.  (Until, in Itiwi’s case, October 23rd, when the IDF made the world a better place by giving him a ballistic enema.) 

Itiwi served one good purpose, which was to give Israel one more reason to officially kick UNRWA out of the country this week.  Of course that set off a round of wailing and gnashing of teeth from the “Peace Through Appeasement” crowd, thus proving Israel’s decision correct.

But wait, there’s more! 

The IDF has released video of many of their targeted strikes on Hezbollah strongholds throughout southern Lebanon.  (Which I enjoy watching with headphones on and “Enter Sandman” blasting.  Sleep with one eye open, jihadis!)

The most dramatic one shows a massive Hezbollah underground compound which stretched across two small hillsides and a valley between them.  When the munitions hit, at least 8 different spots explode upward, with geysers of debris and plumes of smoke rising from the valley and both hillsides.

Of course the biggest story of the last week was Israel’s air attack on Iran, in retaliation for the 180 missiles Iran fired at Israel at the beginning of the month.  Most of Iran’s missiles were shot down, and they collectively did very little damage to Israel, but that was not the case when Israel hit back.

They used 100 fighter jets to carry out three waves of attacks, focusing at first on Iran’s air defenses, and then on 20 missile and drone facilities.  I had hoped that they’d target Iran’s nuclear enrichment locations, but by taking out Iran’s air defense, Israel has left that step as an option for future strikes, should Iran not have learned the FAFO lesson that the IDF just gave them.    

By the way, leave it to the Jews to come up with a very cool Old Testament reference as a code name for their multi-wave air attack: “Days of Repentance.”  (That’s not as sweet as “Operation Grim Beeper.”  But I think that one was made up.)

They also got an added bonus from their attack, in the form of giving the Russians a black eye.  Hezbollah had bought and installed four Russian-made S-300 air defense systems.  Israel took one of them out in a retaliation raid on Iran this summer, and they took out the remaining three last week.   

After that raid, reports are coming out of Lebanon that many Hezbollah fighters are defecting or fleeing to Syria, which only makes sense.  Most of their chain of command are either dead or mangled, they can’t communicate because of the fear of groin-shredding communication devices, and their money stashes are getting blown up.

One typical morale-draining story happened last weekend.  The Hezbo commander of the Bint Jbeil Area (which I thought was on the planet Klingon, but apparently not) – Jafar Maatouk (I loved him in the Lion King!) – underwent SOMD (sudden-onset molecular disassembly) when an IAF missile hit him. 

The next day the new commander and his head of artillery – no names are given in the report, but I’m assuming they’re Curly and Moe – met the same fate.

So far no one has stepped up to become the new Grand Poobah of Bint Jbeil. 

Unexpectedly!  

Speaking of which, Hezbollah just announced who drew the short straw, and is now the new leader of their group.  He’s named Naim Qassem, and in every video clip I’ve seen of him, he looks really nervous.  (My Arabic is a little rusty, but unless I’ve missed my guess, “Naim” means “not” and “Qassem” means “for long.”)  

I swear that I wrote that last joke when I first drafted this column a few days ago. 

But great minds must think alike, because the guy in charge of the IDF gave a press conference in which he put up a picture of Qassem with the caption: “Temporary Appointment.  Not for Long.” 

Yes!  Don’t buy any green bananas, Naim.

Have a good weekend everybody.

Hamas delenda est!

Four Things That Are Making Me Laugh Today (posted 10/31/24)

1. The Washington Post’s schadenfreude-tastic self-destruction.  The paper’s value has been on a long skid downward, and since Bezos bought it, it’s lost tens of millions of dollars per year.  So Bezos prevented the leftist lunatics in the WAPO newsroom from endorsing Que Mala, and the spoiled kiddies threw a temper tantrum.

In response, Bezos wrote an Op-Ed containing actual common sense: “The hard truth [is that] Americans don’t trust the news media,” and, since “endorsements create a perception of bias… ending them is… the right [decision].”  (Of course he’s still a bubble-dwelling lefty: he warned that if the MSM completely collapses, people will continue turning to unvetted, irresponsible, misinformation-prone conservative podcasts and websites…such as the ones who DIDN’T fall for Russia-gate, laptop-gate, mask-gate, vax-gate, etc. and etc.)

And then the kids in the newsroom flopped on the floor, kicking their tiny feet and holding their breath.  And mirabile dictu, so did a ton of the WAPO’s propaganda-dependent subscribers; 200,000 of them canceled their subscriptions, cheered on by many celebrities and other high-profile dullards.

So if the WAPO keeps shoveling out their steady stream of dishonest pap, they will continue their doom spiral downward into a Biden-esque, flatlined state, until the plug is mercifully pulled, once Bezos will no longer throw good money after bad.  OR, they can try to go cold turkey and start printing true journalism… and get there much more quickly, as all of their dead-end readers flee.

Beautiful! 

Even though Bezos is actually trying to do the right thing, he and the MSM are now reaping what they’ve been sowing for years.  It’s a blue-on-blue circular firing squad, and I’m not sure my supply of popcorn is going to hold out.

2.  Kamala crammed an awful lot of self-contradictions into her big speech on Tuesday night:

“This election is about the future,” followed by, “But January 6th, though!”

“It’s time to turn the page,” followed by, “I can’t think of any changes to make from my time with Biden!”   

“We must stop pointing fingers and come together,” followed by, “But Trump is a tyrant!  Everybody point your finger at him and yell, ‘Tyrant!’”

(You’ve heard of the “Thrilla in Manilla?” This speech should’ve been called, “Back-flips on the Ellipse.”)

But my favorite part came literally seconds into the speech.  After months of insisting that crime is way, WAY down, she begins her speech.  But she is immediately drowned out by cascading sirens, presumably from cop cars chasing criminals and ambulances racing crime victims to area hospitals.

The only way that audio backdrop could have been improved upon?   Gunshots and despairing screams of, “Oh God, why are all these horrific crimes happening even though we’ve elected only Democrats in DC for the last century?!” 

(And then, from a lonely CO Nation member on the edge of the crowd, “Unexpectedly!”)

3. The GOP’s trolling of the Dems over garbage-gate has been a thing of beauty.  Trump arriving in Green Bay in the garbage truck, then giving a speech in his fluorescent garbageman vest?  Chef’s kiss!

But for my money, Tom Cotton – one of my favorite senators – won the internet by posting two side-by-side pics, one of Trump doing the fries at McDonald’s and the other of him in the garbage truck.  His caption?  “The Biden-Harris economy is so bad that seniors have to work two jobs just to make ends meet.”  Bold move, Cotton!

4. Joe Biden’s covert strategy of “Project: Undermine the Cackler”

Kamala: DeSantis won’t take my calls, and he’s badly mishandling this hurricane!

Three… minutes… lay-tair… Biden: I just spoke to DeSantis, and he’s doing a great job!

Kamala:  Trump is an evil fascist because he MIGHT jail his opponents in the future!

Three… minutes… lay-tair…   Biden:  We’ve got to lock him up!

Kamala:  A no-name comedian at MSG compared Puerto Ricans to garbage. That’s Hitler talk!

Three… minutes… lay-tair…  Biden: All Trump voters are garbage!

Man, that garbage story is – ironically – the gift that keeps on giving!  I’ve loved watching the MSM twisting in the wind over it. 

They first gave us a raft of good “Republicans Pounce” headlines (i.e., whenever a story is truly bad for the left, the MSM focuses not on the bad facts, but on the GOP reaction to those facts…which is always unfair and sleazy, according to the MSM).

Time’s headline said, “WH attempts clean-up after Biden appears to call Trump Supporters ‘garbage’.” So I guess now “Appears” = “you watched him say that.”  Politico and others referred to “outrage” and “a firestorm” on the right, always moving the focus from the dehumanizing comments to the right’s reaction to them.

How much does fate seem to want to humiliate Que Mala?  Over the last 4 years, roughly 98% of Biden’s sentences have been so slurred, garbled or otherwise defective that they could be understood by neither God nor man.

But the ONE TIME that the late President manages to excrete a grammatically correct and clearly understandable sentence, that sentence turns out to be a rhetorical torpedo aimed to strike perfectly amidships against the rusty starboard side of the sinking USS Cackler! 

Here’s Biden’s statement, verbatim: “…Puerto Ricans in Delaware are good, decent, honorable people.  The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters.  His, his, his demonization [slur][slur] seen as unconscionable…”

The Dem MSM hacks, bathed in flop sweat and desperately going over the video like it was the Zapruder film, came up with their own “magic bullet” theory: the phantom apostrophe.  (Worst Star Wars sequel ever, by the way.)

You are probably saying to yourselves, “Oh, if only we had an English professor to provide a quick grammar refresher!”  Fortunately for you, I am here to save the day.  So let me get my white board and my marker out…

Okay.  The desperate MSM weasels are arguing that when Biden said “supporters” he didn’t mean to use that word as a second noun that is equivalent to the first noun (“garbage”) in a sentence whose syntax is clearly comparative. 

He instead meant that word to have an apostrophe after it, indicating possession; thus the Scranton wizard meant to say that “the garbage [he sees] is the supporters’ [garbage].”

That meaning is possible but not likely, for two reasons:

First, there are less ambiguous ways to indicate possession here, e.g. “The only garbage belongs to his supporters,” or “The only garbage comes from his supporters,” or “The only garbage is that of his supporters.”

Second, the much more common syntax to indicate possession puts the noun doing the possessing BEFORE the thing/quality being possessed. 

For example: 

“AOC’s juicy booty” (her words not mine)

“Michelle Obama’s prominent Adam’s apple” (that one’s a two-fer, with “Adam” possessing his “apple”)

“Tim Walz’s inept shotgun skills”

“Kamala’s room-temperature IQ” or

“Liz Warren’s laughably non-existent Indian heritage” (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

So the much more likely interpretation is that Biden was saying exactly what he appeared to be saying: “Trump’s supporters are garbage.”

Especially since that reading fits in perfectly with a years-long pattern of top Democrats slandering GOP/Trump voters with pejorative terms: deplorables, bitter clingers, fascists, Nazis, sexists, racists, bigots, homophobes, xenophobes, threats to democracy, etc. and etc.

Kamala’s closing argument is clear: “Joy has left the building; Trump is Hitler; most Americans are garbage.”

Fellow CO-ers, let’s wear their scorn proudly, and shout it from the rooftops: “We are the garbage CAN people, not the garbage CAN’T people!”

Go vote! Hamas (and Harris/Walz) delenda est!

We Are Getting Swamped by Leftist Insanity (posted 10/30/24)

Two quick personal notes before I get back to the firehose of events: I talked with Katie this afternoon, and she is recuperating quickly, and hopes to be back at work (nursing and saving children’s lives!) around 11/8 or so. 

And my youngest called us today to say that she has been officially notified that a leading science journal has accepted her astrophysics article for publication shortly.  What is it about?  Well, it has, “Orbital Motion, Obliquity and Eccentricity” in the title.  So… I have no idea.  But I know that she wrote it with one of her professors, and she is getting “First Author” credit.  At age 22! 

I’m not saying that her writing prowess means that she’s taking after dear old dad, because my writing has never been described as containing “obliquity.” On the other hand, I get “eccentricity” a lot.  So I’ve got that going for me. 

Do you think I’m proud of my girls?

To quote DeNiro – the great actor, not the real-life malevolent moron, “Little bit.”

Okay, on to the news.  I have been struggling for over a week to get to the great news coming out of Israel, but the desperate Dems are giving me material that is too good to ignore.

For example, I just saw the entirety of Michelle Obama’s angry speech in Michigan, and it was worse than I thought.  Just off the top, I think I might see where Kamala got her phony accent idea, because Michelle must have said, “ya’ll” thirty or forty times. 

She was born and raised in Chicago, and has spent most of the last 8 years jetting between her mansions in Chicago, DC, Martha’s Vineyard and Hawaii. 

Similarly, I was born and raised within 80 miles of Chicago.  And though I don’t have any mansions in far-flung places, I have been down to CO’s compound in Boca once, and that was pretty cool.  But even in my college town in the free state of Florida, you’ve got to go to one of the small surrounding towns to hear “ya’ll” on a regular basis.

And I can assure you that nobody in Chicago – or Martha’s Vineyard or Hawaii – gets authentically folksy with the “ya’ll this” and the “ya’ll that.” 

Anyway, I’d already seen Michelle’s delusional contention that Trump hides from hostile interviews, while Kamala bravely faces them. But after that, she said that Kamala has been an extraordinary candidate, and – not making this up – “by every measure, she has demonstrated that she’s ready [to be president].”    

After I cleaned up after my spit-take at the screen, she gave her explanation for the only reason that Kamala isn’t running away with this race.  And you’ll never guess the culprit in a million years…  It’s sexist and racist men!

Oh, wait a minute.  I meant EVERY one of you will immediately and instinctively guess the culprit.

She spent five full minutes on the vulnerability involved in being a woman, from the emotional roller coaster of going through puberty, to “the complicated business” going on in an adult woman’s body, to the incredible stresses and joys of pregnancy.  In fact, she spoke as if she clearly knows what a woman is, and how women differ from men!

In which case, she urgently needs to share that groundbreaking information with her party, many members of which apparently cannot distinguish females from the 47 other genders that they believe exist.  (I’d suggest that she start with Ketanji Brown Jackson.)  

But she quickly moved on, following in the obnoxious footsteps of her small, petty husband, and started wagging her finger.  In an election in which Que Mala is desperately seeking votes from men, Obama addressed them directly… only to berate them.  She called them frustrated and angry – I can’t imagine why they would be! – and then blamed their rage for killing women, warning that their own women will become their collateral damage.    

She is as angry and obnoxious as her husband, and I totally believe the rumors that her Secret Service code name was “Scowling Wookie.”  

(Okay, I made that up.  But if I were the head of the Secret Service…)

Poor Kamala can’t catch a break.  She sends Michelle out there to appeal to men and Barack out there to appeal to black men, and Big Mike repels men and Barry race-shames black men.  But at least Joey Gaffes is in her corner.

Oh no, wait.  The only tiny silver lining the Dems got out of Trump’s MSG rally was the little-known comic who made the joke about Puerto Rico being an island of garbage.  Giddy with relief, the entire MSM sprinted to their fainting couches and their rage chairs and their tantrum tables, and started weeping and howling about the incredibly offensive comments.

“How could anyone talk about people so disrespectfully?!  Comparing humans to garbage is a dehumanizing crime against humanity right out of the Nazi playbook!  Trump will never be able to wipe away the stain of—”

What’s that?  While Kamala was away last night preparing for her big, “Word Goulash on the Ellipse” speech, Joe Biden gave his Visiting Angels caregiver the slip, and staggered in front of a camera to make a campaign call?

Well, that’s okay.  It’s not like he could distract from—  What’s that?  He said WHAT?!

Let’s go to the video, which I’ve cleaned up through the use of my patented Simpson Transcript De-Slur-ifier™ : “Donald Trump has no character. He doesn’t give a damn about the Latino community… just the other day, a speaker at his rally called Puerto Rico a floating island of garbage?… The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters.”

Cut to thousands of Democrat consultants and apparatchiks simultaneously face palming themselves so hard that it registered on the Richter scale.

Good lord, if Biden is actually sentient enough to know what he’s doing, I have gained a whole new respect for him.  After the way Que Mala and the Dem machine threw him under the bus, he has been playing 4-D chess, pulling one act of sabotage after another! 

When Kamala’s handlers try to distance her from Biden, he repeatedly grabs her in a bear hug.  When she tries to run away from the Afghanistan debacle and the border disaster, he says, “Guess what?  She’s my Afghanistan-planning Border Czarina. No joke!”  When she says that DeSantis is playing politics with a hurricane and whines that he wouldn’t take her calls, Biden wobbles out and says that RDS is doing a great job, and he has Biden’s number if he needs anything.

And now he goes full Grandpa Simpson, standing in the Rose Garden and shaking his fist at the sky, hollering, “Everybody who is voting for Trump is garbage!  GARBAGE, I TELLS YA!”

So the Obamas aren’t helping Kamala, and Joey Gaffes isn’t helping Kamala.  But do you know who is?

An anonymous factory worker in Saginaw, Michigan. 

On Monday, Kamala did a photo op tour of a business called Hemlock Semiconductors.  (Speaking of Hemlock, if I were head of the Secret Service, Kamala’s code would be “Verbal Poison.”) (Ooh!  Or better yet, “Lip Service.”) She walked around looking over various objects, trailed by two guys in suits and a guy in a hard hat who explained what she was looking at.   

And before you can ask: No, the MSM didn’t immediately go on air and call Harris’ visit to the factory a phony campaign stunt, as they did Trump’s stint at McDonalds.  Nobody breathlessly said, “We’ve done a fact check, and it turns out that Kamala doesn’t work in a semiconductor factory.  In fact, she’s never worked in any kind of factory!” 

Anyway, Kamala approached some metal rods on a table as the hard hat explained what they were.  She reached out toward the metal, asking if she could touch it, and hard hat quickly said, “Do not touch it!”  She stepped toward a table of the same material in a raw form and pointed to it, and the guy said, “Please do not touch any of the poly – it is very sharp.”

And she said, “And shiny!” And giggled. 

Sweet merciful crap!  I couldn’t help but think of the hilarious meme video of a little girl who sees a bear approaching her family’s deck.  She steps up to the deck and asks, “Can I pet that dawg?”  Her alarmed parents yank her arm back, and she repeats herself three times, more insistently each time.  “CAN I PET THAT DAWG?!”

If you haven’t seen that, search for “can I pet that dog?” and watch what might well be the intellectual equal of our VP.  Except that the little girl is super cute, and her southern accent is WAY more convincing than Kamala’s.

I found myself wishing that when Kamala said, “Can I grab that rod?  Can I grab that ROD?!” the hard hat guy had shrugged and said, “Sure!  It’s a bold move, Kamala.  Let’s see how that works out for you.”

But with the way Kamala has tried to shamelessly steal every Trump policy she can, I wouldn’t put it past her to cut herself on the rod, then smear some blood on her face and hold up a fist, yelling, “Fight, fight, fight!” 

I know this column is getting long – I’m trying to pace myself in this last week before the election! – but I can’t end without giving you a non-politics palate cleanser of a story that I bet you haven’t heard about.

This one goes in the “Unexpectedly” category, and comes to us from South Africa, where famed wildlife conservationist and snake handler Graham “Dingo” Dinkelman tragically died on Monday.  (By the way, if “Dingo Dinkelman” isn’t the name of a “morning zoo” AM DJ from the 1980s, I don’t know what is.) 

Often called “the South African Steve Irwin,” Dinkelman died after a month in the hospital following a car crash.

HA!  I kid.  He died after being bitten by a venomous snake.  UNEXPECTEDLY!

This story is easy to laugh about, even though – seriously – being a conservationist is a righteous job, and the guy was a husband and a father, and seemed like a brave and cool human.  His death is truly tragic.

But c’mon, man. When people are calling you the “Steve Irwin” of your country, and you know that Steve Irwin was killed by an animal, can you not connect a few dots and jump to the obvious conclusion?

The story about his death made it even worse.  This is a quote from his wife, which I swear I am not making up: “Dingo had a venomous snake bite which, unfortunately, due to his allergy to snake venom, sent him straight into anaphylactic shock.” 

Whoa, whoa.  Hang on.  Are you telling me that the guy who decided to spend his life handling venomous snakes… was ALLERGIC TO SNAKE VENOM?!  OH!! OHHHHHHH!!!

Sorry.  I just channeled my inner Sam Kinson there for a moment.

But really, are you Schiffing me? 

First, being “allergic” to snake venom doesn’t even make sense.  It’s not like some people have an AFFINITY for snake venom, is it?  I mean, are there guys out there going, “Oh yeah, I put snake venom in my coffee every morning, and it goes great with French Toast!  It actually lowers my cholesterol and also works like Viagra for me.  Love the stuff!”

Venom is not like one of those medications that work for some people and not others, or a food that some people can’t stand, but some like.  It’s right there in the name: venom! 

I’m going to put this in terms so simple that even AOC could understand: venom… is venomous!

Second, if at some point in your life you learn that you are allergic to snake venom, does that not change your choice of career just a bit?  You don’t see people with crippling fear of heights pursuing a lucrative career as window washers on skyscrapers, or people who are repulsed by lying becoming MSM journalists.

But Dingo was apparently one of those “steer into the skid” kind of guys.  So RIP Double-D, I guess.

All right, I promise to get to some great Israel news on Friday!

Hamas delenda est!

As Time Runs Short, the Dems Frantically Beclown Themselves (posted 10/28/24)

I wanted to start your Monday morning off with a comprehensive take on the events of the last three or four days, but every day lately is filled with too many stories that need mocking, or celebrating, or head scratching.  And I’m only one man.

One roguishly adorable, snark-filled robot-flamethrower-dog of a political-commentary-spewing man. 

First there’s the Democrats self-immolating like the Kamala campaign had given them all the rhetorical equivalent of the Hezbollah Pagers Gift-Pack.  Michelle Obama praised Kamala in the most ham-fisted way possible, and Elmer Fudd Walz claimed that holding an event at Madison Square Garden makes you a Nazi.  (I’ve always suspected that Patrick Ewing and Billy Joel were SS-types, with their many appearances at MSG, but now there’s proof!)

And Que Mala herself tried out a brand-new fake accent: southern preacher!

Meanwhile, Trump and Vance have been colossi bestriding the earth, stomping around the campaign trail like Godzilla and King Kong, trampling MSM hacks and leftist pols as if they were tiny Japanese communists fleeing through a cardboard skyline in Tonka trucks.  (Oh look, there’s a miniscule Asian Tim Walz, struggling to load his shotgun before Trump’s ginormous foot crushes him as flat as Que Mala’s comedy video submission to the Al Smith dinner!)  

And that’s not to mention the many ways Israel has been kicking terrorist arse as if they were Doug Emhoff noticing his date getting a little too chummy with the valet.

Plus it’s been a month since I’ve even pointed out that Liz Warren is whiter than a Holiday Inn ballroom that had mistakenly double-booked a Tilda Swinton family reunion simultaneously with a Game of Thrones convention featuring a “Dress up like the White Walkers” costume contest.  (Spoiler alert: Joe Biden won, and he wasn’t even dressed up!  He just wandered in, got tangled in a red curtain, fell over a sandbag, and bam!  Ladies and Gentlemen, your new “Night King!”)  I don’t even have time to remind you that #wemustneverstopmockingher.

So okay, this is going to be a three-column week, and I better get started, because I’m falling further behind as we speak.

Que Mala has been even more of a piece of work than usual.  I don’t know what she was like way back in the day, when she sidled up to married codger Willie Brown and gave him a sultry, “I’d-do-ANYTHING-for a political appointment” stare. 

But I do know how she comes across in recent years, and it is a nightmare.  She can’t think on her feet, and she can’t give a straight answer to a question to save her life.  And the cackle parodies itself.

And her phony accents!  From Jamaican to Latino to street African-American from Selma – via Berkeley and Montreal – (“Ya bettuh thank uh union membuh!”), she’s multi-lingually phony.  But this weekend she rolled out a new character: Southern black lady preacher from Mt. Pisgah Baptist Church.

In a Philly church she said, “Weepin’ may en-duah for a night…but JOY [drawn-out head waggle here] cometh in the mornin’!”

Ouch.  I’m trying to follow Uncle Jesus over here, and I know I’m supposed to love everybody.  But could you leave the Good Book alone?  You’re giving me the creeps.

However, that wasn’t even the lowlight of the weekend for her.  She was booed and heckled at several speeches, and she made the inexplicable blunder of promising two huge celebrity performers at two different speeches: Bruce Springsteen and Beyonce.  

Now you can say what you will about Trump, but the man knows how to market.  He dominates the news with his McDonalds gig, he packs Madison Square Garden, he takes his opponent’s embarrassing moments and turns them into his own ads.  When he gets arrested on bogus charges, he takes the most badass, glowering mugshot ever, and turns it into a viral meme and hot-selling t-shirt in a few hours.

What’s Kamala’s strategy to market herself?  Promise a performance by Beyonce, and then pull a hugely self-destructive bait-and-switch.  “You came here to hear Beyonce sing?  Well, she’s going to make a 5-minute speechlet, and then I’m going to hit you with the most vacuous stump speech you’ve ever heard in your life.  How about that?  Are you ready to NOT rock?!!  HELLO, HOUSTON!!”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! 

Good lord, how could that have possibly worked?  What could she have expected to get out of it?  A large crowd, sure.  But a large, p*ssed off crowd!   “Always disappoint your audience!” said no worthy political consultant ever.

And what good is a large crowd, if everybody in the world knows that they only showed up for the performer, and not for you?

That’s not a rhetorical question, since Kamala answered it with her Springsteen rally.   He actually did sing a couple of songs, and the crowd was clearly there for it.  Then, as soon as he was done and Que Mala took the stage, a huge portion of the crowd headed for the exits, en masse, and on camera.

By the time Kamala started flinging word goulash out into the crowd like Gallagher smashing watermelons, all of the exits were packed by people looking like they were trying to get on the last chopper leaving Saigon.    

Yikes!  That’s one hilarious optic, and the best illustration of Kamala’s campaign I can think of. 

And not for nothing, but I have fond memories of Springsteen’s early albums, and his singing and songwriting.  But holy cats, when did his vocal chords start sounding like Joe Biden walks?  And when did “Dancing in the Dark” turn into “Dry Heaving on the Stage?”

As hard as it may be to believe, Kamala’s surrogates continue to do as much damage to her as she does to herself, whether they are celebrities, or just everyday supporters.   

Dave Rubin had the story on Friday of a mom exposing what a Kamala-supporting teacher did in her CA classroom.  The teacher conducted a mock election in class, and she promised that if her class voted for Kamala they’d get a pizza party, but not if they voted for Trump.  The class voted for Kamala and the pizza (unexpectedly!), and the teacher followed through with the pizza.

Obviously, kids voting for “Kamala and pizza” are actually kids voting for pizza.  The same way as adult dullards going to the rally with Kamala and Springsteen were actually a bunch of adult dullards going to a Springsteen concert. 

Anyway, on a recorded call with the teacher, the mother asked, “Other classes, because they did not vote for Harris, they’re not going to get pizza?” 

And the teacher said, “Yeah.  Well they can, they just have to do what the conservatives do, and pay for it themselves.” 

Got that?  The teacher wants the kids to become future powerless, welfare-dependent wards of the state by supporting Democrats, rather than paying their own way in life like successful conservatives.  Talk about an unwitting self-own!

But the celebrity Kamala-ites were no better.  Actress Ellen Barkin jumped on the “Trump’s rally at MSG is a Nazi rally bandwagon,” demanding a boycott of the event.  The response?  Younger people said, “Ellen who?” and older people said, “Is Ellen Barkin still alive?”  And some Jews and non-Aryan types – along with, yes, some white folks – filled MSG to the rafters.

“What does Hillary Clinton think of Trump’s recent rise in the polls?” you have not asked.  But she answered anyway, doing an interview viewed by literally dozens of people on CNN, during which she agreed that appearing in MSG (like Slick Willie did in his ‘92 convention there) makes you a Nazi.      

She complained that she finds it “so distressing” that Americans would vote for Trump. 

Do you know what I find distressing, Hillary?  Your seven years of election denying, and the dishonest campaign that you ran in 2016, and the eight years you spent in the WH, attacking your husband’s legion of sexual assault victims.

And also your cankles, which are more terrifying than distressing, truth be told.  One of my ancestors was trampled to death by a draft horse in the late 19th century, and our whole family has collective PTSD about that.  And every time I see you clomping toward a microphone for an interview, I break out in a cold sweat.  So please stop triggering me, you mendacious shrew!

Speaking of which, Michelle Obama gave a speech in Kalamazoo on Saturday.  My first thought was, “What can Michelle Obama do for you at this point?”

I mean, other than if you need a fill-in for an injured middle linebacker who has the heft and belligerence to be a real presence against the ground game.  (That position is not called the “Mike Linebacker” for nothing.)

But at this point, Kamala doesn’t need to stop the run, she needs to stop the bleeding.  And how did Mitch try to do that?  By claiming that – and I swear that I am not making this up – “unlike her opponent,” Kamala has not been the one “ducking interviews or cowering in safe spaces with only fawning audiences.”

The old cliché about effective lies is that they must have at least some element of truth in them… and this one isn’t even close!  Yes, Trump has done a few interviews with friendlies lately, but he’s been interviewed by hostile lefties for years.  As opposed to Harris, who hid for 2 months, then did only the most “safe space” interviews until her campaign’s engine was smoking and all four tires were flat, and she became desperate enough to spend 20 minutes with Bret Baier.

During which she was depantsed, disemboweled and defenestrated. 

Anyway, Michelle had a couple of other arguments to advance: Trump is either a Satanic Hitler or a Hitler-esque Satan, and everyone who doesn’t vote for Que Mala is racist and sexist.

Unexpectedly!    

Okay, I haven’t had the chance to see much of Trump’s MSG rally yet, so more on Wednesday.

But I already know one thing: I would much rather listen to Melania (giggity) and her authentic, adorable accent (“Good evening, New York Citee!  Hello, Madeeson Square Gar-den!”) than Kamala’s phony Foghorn Leghorn (“Ah say, ah say the-uh, boy, Yoo bettuh thank uh union membuh, boy!”)  

Eight days left – if you haven’t voted yet, get to it!  

Hamas delenda est!

I’m Eating Popcorn and Watching Kamala Flailing (posted 10/25/24)

I voted yesterday at a local library/polling place.  I already knew who I’d be voting for, of course. But since I’d been out of town and pre-occupied with more important things lately – Katie’s doing great at home, thanks for asking! – I wasn’t up on all of the local ballot issues, judge retentions and the like. 

Fortunately for me, local Democrats dropped off a handy flyer telling me how to vote on every issue. I read their reasoning and their conclusions, then took their flyer into the voting booth and “pulled a George Costanza,” i.e. voted the opposite of every suggestion they made.

Success!

There are so many bad signs for Kamala’s campaign right now, and that’s giving me a great deal of comfort.  (As well as entertainment!) 

My greatest fear a month ago was that if Trump didn’t debate her again, the corrupt MSM would continue to cover for her, and allow her to hide for the last 6 weeks of the campaign, and thus sneak into the WH without revealing her bone-deep vacuity.

But her internal polling must have shown so many problems for her campaign that they figured they had to put her out there for some interviews.  And THAT decision has to rank among the all-time terrible strategic decisions in world history.

As bad as Napoleon invading Russia with winter coming on.  Or Hitler invading Russia with winter coming on.  Or the leaders of Hamas and Hezbollah deciding to launch a sneak attack aimed at slaughtering hundreds of Jewish civilians.  (“Hey, what are the Juden going to do about it? We’ve got our UN-funded tunnel network and missiles, plus the fecklessness of Joe Biden.  It’s not like the Jews will be able to strike ba–  Hold on, my pager is beeping.  I’ve got to take this.”) 

Allowing Que Mala to sit for interviews turned into a death spiral.  When she screwed up the first several shots with friendly hack interviewers, she had to do a few more, just to get the taste of the first ones out of the viewers’ mouths.  And after a couple more similarly flubbed ones, she had to go onto 60 Minutes, because their reputation is (undeservedly) better than the “Call Her Daddy” slutcast, and she knew that CBS would still do some friendly editing to cover up her worst moments.

But then the “60 Minutes deceptive editing” scandal blew up, and her polls dipped a bit more, and she got a little more desperate, and agreed to go on with Bret Baier.  She figured she’d get some street cred for facing down the bullies at Fox, and she prepared a bunch of attack shots on Trump to use as sound bites later.  Just for insurance, she showed up late and had her staffers ready to call the end early, and in between she’d be able to filibuster her way through.  (“If I just repeat, ‘May I finish?’ several dozen times, that will take half of the interview time.”)

Annndddd… she staggered out of that one looking like Wile E. Coyote after the Acme bomb blew up in his face.  Her hair was sticking straight backwards, her face covered with soot, and her pantsuit scorched and half burned off. 

And now it’s Hail Mary time. 

Which has to be especially awkward for a campaign that is struggling mightily with Christians: “Oh, you think God created humans, ‘male and female created He them?’  And you believe that ‘while you were yet in the womb, He knew you?’  And one of your sacraments is to partake of the body and blood of your Savior?  Well have a Dorito, dumbass.” 

Also, when some protestors identified themselves as Christians, she told them, “You’re at the wrong rally.”

(Finally, she says something true!)

But, uncomfortable or not, it’s time for her to swing for the fences, and start giving out interviews like Doug Emhoff giving out backhands to his dates. 

Thus I open my browser each morning lately, and I can’t tell one “Disastrous Harris Interview Gaffe” story from the next.

She does an interview with her new endorser Liz Cheney – whom 99% of Americans either distrusts or hates – and when asked to tell three things about herself that most people don’t know, she recites a list of things that EVERYBODY knows.  (“I’m a lawyer, I’m a mother, I was a prosecutor…”)  D’oh!

That doomed outing with Cheney was a “town hall” – which everybody knows is supposed to be an event in which you answer actual questions from the audience.  And then the host admitted that all of the questions had been pre-determined. 

In other words, this “town hall” is going to be missing the “town” part.  D’oh!

She goes on Telemundo and admits that she wants to legalize all of the millions of illegals in the country.  I’d love to have seen the reaction of her Head-of-Hispanic-Outreach at that moment.  “Que?!  Dios mio!  Como es tan estupida?!”

And it’s not just Que Mala blasting away at her own feet!  It seems like every surrogate for her is competing for the chance to step on the most rakes. 

Wicked Witch Whitmer does an obscene parody of handing out communion. Bill Clinton says that Harris is, “extremely vulnerable” and points out that Laken Riley is dead because her illegal murderer whom Biden/Harris let in was not vetted.

A gaggle of beta-male celebrities try to reach out to normie males by gushing over how they are all “girl dads” and think Harris is just fabulous.  One of them even says that his two-year-old daughter is a feminist and “already smarter than any men in the room.” 

Okay, Jan. 

Small, petty hypocrite Barack Obama wags his finger at black men and lectures them that not voting for Kamala is “not acceptable.”  Because men – of all races – love nothing more than being told what they must do by a half-white guy and his outside-linebacker wife.

The late Joe Biden is regularly giving speeches in which he ties Kamala to every horrific decision made during his dumpster-fire administration.  Just yesterday he also drove home the point that Trump is a dangerous fascist who would jail his opponents by shouting that the Democrats, “Should lock him [Trump] up!” 

D’oh!

Even her weirdo running mate is doing her no favors.  At a rally on Tuesday, he attacked Elon Musk, saying, “I’m going to get that wascally wabbit, as soon as I can get this shotgun loaded!”

Sorry, that’s the wrong quote from the wrong Elmer Fudd.  What A-WOLz actually said was, “Elon’s on that stage, jumping around, skipping like a dipsh*t.”

I’m not making that up.  Those are the words of the oddball whose bizarre gesticulating can be found in the dictionary beside two words: “knucklehead” and “skipping dipsh*t.” 

That’s the guy who’s making fun of Elon Musk!  Musk just sent a rocket into space, and then brought it back down and FREAKING CAUGHT IT! Meanwhile, Tim Walz was ALMOST able to load a shotgun.

And then, not only was he NOT able to catch a single pheasant that he shot down… he wasn’t even able to shoot down a single pheasant.  This despite the fact that he was holding a gun made for shooting birds, in a field surrounded by flying birds, none of whom were covered by shotgun-pellet-resistant Kevlar feathers.

Am I saying that the FCC should force the networks – anytime they show video of Harris and Walz – to display the chyron, “Dueling Dipsh*ts”?

I’m saying that we should have that conversation.    

So Kamala’s flailing, her surrogates are flailing, her boss is flailing, and her running-mate is flailing.

And now I can’t leave the house because I’ve got a schadenfreude-induced reaction that is threatening to last more than four hours.  At the polling place, I kept getting eyed by female voters – and a few male ones – until I had to say, “My eyes are up here, people!  Pay attention to your ballot.”

Perhaps I’ve said too much.

Meanwhile, Trump seems to have swapped out the “Bad Trump” for the “Good Trump” when he needed to do it most.  He’s been relaxed and even joyful at rallies.  He’s gotten RFK Jr. and Elon Musk on board, and Tulsi Gabbard just officially joined the Republican party.  And his McDonald’s appearance was a masterstroke, entertaining his supporters and bringing out the worst in his opponents.

One of Gutfeld’s guests ran through some of the memes that Trump’s McDonald’s visit has given birth to, and they’re pretty great:

“Trump is the one who will finally fix the McDonald’s ice cream machine!”

“You know that that McDonalds was one of the new ones with the flat roofs, because the slightly sloped roofs on the old-style ones would completely defeat the secret service’s ability to protect him.” 

“Have you heard that Kamala’s going to try to recreate Trump’s magic at McDonald’s?  She’s trying to decide now whether she should do a stint at Five Guys, or maybe In-N-Out.” (Subtle Willie Brown joke for the win!)

So what do the Dems have left?  There were rumblings for a few days about a big “October Surprise” that the Dems were going to launch against Trump.  And then on Wednesday, Kamala came out to a podium to launch the devastating, Trump-destroying wonder weapon:  He’s a Hitlerian, Hitler-loving fan of Adolf Hitler!

And off in the distance, the plaintive moan of the saddest of all sad trombones was heard, pathetically bleating like a slowly deflating balloon.

Man, they can’t even do an October surprise right!

Well, give them some credit, because this is October.  So check that box.  However, you may have noticed that the second element of an October surprise… is “surprise.” 

And do you know what is NOT a surprise?  (Hold on while I fire up the Sam Kinison filter here…)  SOMETHING THAT THEY’VE BEEN SAYING EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR NINE FREAKING YEARS!  OH! OHHHHHH!

Great googly moogly!  Maybe we should counter with an October surprise of our own.  I have a few suggestions:

Did you know that Kamala is… not a deep thinker?!

Or… fellated her way onto the first rung of the political ladder?!

Or… can’t put together a coherent English sentence?!

All right, everybody.  We’ve got 11 days left.  If you haven’t voted yet, go vote.  If you know someone who hasn’t voted yet – and is likely to vote the right way (!) – offer to drive them to the polls.  Let’s not take anything for granted.

As for me, while I’m still cautious, I’m feeling more optimistic every day.

Have a great weekend!  

Hamas delenda est!

Trump Trolls the Left, Walz Struggles with a Shotgun, and Sinwar Dies Like a Dog (posted 10/23/24)

I won’t bury the lede: Katie came home from the hospital yesterday!   As I’m writing this in the middle of the night in Florida, she’s sleeping in her own bed in Denver for the first time in nearly a month.

And all is right with the world! 

Speaking of which, in a secret ceremony yesterday Trump received his black belt in trolling, as the culmination of a week in which he crushed it at the Al Smith dinner, and then again as a temporary worker at a Pennsylvania McDonalds.    

The dinner demonstrated (again!) the gulf between Trump and Kamala as politicians.  Trump was at his roguishly charming best as he read his jokes skewering Walz and Harris, and playfully tweaked miserable Chuck Schumer for looking so glum.  He even managed to pull off some self-deprecating humor by mocking himself for his fabled giant ego. 

“Tradition holds that I’m supposed to tell a few self-deprecating jokes this evening.  So here it goes…. Nope!  I’ve got nothing.  There’s nothing to say.”

Meanwhile, Kamala showed her usual unerring talent for self-destructive boneheadedness by skipping the dinner.  But rather than just taking the “L,” she sent an uninspired and unfunny video that somehow made things worse. 

First there was her delivery.  (I’ve never seen such woodenness in my life.  And I’ve been to the Black Forest.) Then there were her lines.  (Utter pap.)  Then there was the celebrity comedian she persuaded to help her get through the video: Molly Shannon.

Yes, THAT Molly Shannon!

The one who was intermittently mildly humorous as a mid-level Saturday Night Live cast member. 23 YEARS AGO!  

A few days after the dinner, Trump did his stint as an honorary McDonalds worker.  And you can tell how well that went for him just by listening to the empty heads throughout the MSM losing their Schiff over it.

One after another, they whined about how stupid and pointless and offensive it was.  I saw a series of clips featuring outraged hacks from all the alphabet networks making the same hysterical objection: Trump’s entire McDonald’s visit was phony, and nothing more than a political stunt!

What?  You mean a billionaire former and future leader of the free world in his late 70s hasn’t actually taken up a lucrative second career as a fast-food worker?!  The hell you say!

But they’ve got a point, because there’s a slim possibility that Trump may just have made his visit to McDonalds as a political photo op.

Unlike that time when Brigadier General Dukakis was caught leading his armored division around the training grounds in Michigan.  (It’s not called a “battleground state” for nothing.)  Or when Bill Clinton just happened to jog into a fast-food joint and grab a big Mac (and the closest waitress’ behind) for the cameras. Or when Que Mala and nanny-banger Doug stopped in at a convenience store to pic up a bag of Doritos.

Or when Tampon Timmy Walz was surprised to find a gaggle of press weasels who somehow coincidentally turned up in the same field where he was hunting pheasants. 

Luckily for said pheasants, Walz is not so great with the weapons of war that he didn’t carry when he didn’t go into war, so none of them were felled by the Great Beige Hunter that day. 

By the way, I think I speak for the entire pheasant-American community when I say that I’d rather be a pheasant directly in front of a shotgun-wielding Tim Walz than one of Tim Walz’s feet in his brand-new pair of unbroken-in waterproof LL Bean boots with the tag still on them. 

Because that guy has got “accidental-self-foot-shooter-off-er” written ALL over him.

The only thing funnier than watching Walz struggle to load that shotgun was watching a couple of leftist bubble-dwellers on MSNBC gushing over the new Harris-Walz merch: a hunting cap!  You could tell that they’d never met an actual hunter in their lives from the way they talked about hunting as if it were an exotic behavior of an obscure, just-discovered tribe from a remote island somewhere.

“This stylish hat is in blaze orange, which is apparently a color that hunters wear when they go about their mysterious ritual outings.  And we feel quite sure that putting “Harris/Walz” on this cap will greatly increase its desirability among so many deplorably toxic males who inexplicably like sports and women who were assigned female at birth and yet still identify as women, with the hips and the breasts and the off-putting lack of a prominent Adam’s apple.” 

And we wonder why they’re not connecting with male voters!

Speaking of self-destructive behavior, how about that Yahoo Sinwar and his ignominious death at the hands of the IDF last week?  I love everything about the way he was brought to justice. 

I love that he died trapped and helpless, without the comfort of his goat girlfriend.  I love that he was killed by three anonymous grunts who had only been in the IDF for a short time, before they happened across his path. 

I love that after those guys blasted the house he was scurrying through and injured him, they used a drone to fly into the damaged building to get the last video of him before they finished him off.   

And while I would have liked to see the IDF find and kill him immediately after October 7th, there’s some comfort in knowing that he spent the last year of his life hunted and increasingly desperate, living underground like a hateful, miserable little mole.  He got to see his entire army of Hamas terrorists getting skillfully taken out by the hated Jews, some in pitched firefights, but many in small groups, or even one at a time.

He got to watch Gaza subdivided and strategically searched and pulverized, his weapons stashes and fighter bases systematically discovered and destroyed, his miles of underground tunnels either flooded or blown up.  He cowered helplessly as everyone in the chain of command below him was killed or captured, and many of their hostages rescued.  He had to watch his evil allies in Hezbollah out-thought and out-fought, blown up by their own cell phones, then pagers, then radios.

He had to witness his entire life’s work thoroughly destroyed, knowing that there were no worthy successors to take his place.  All of his arrogant plans had been based on the mistaken belief that the Jews would never dare to fight door-to-door in heavily fortified Gaza, that they’d never be able to withstand political pressure from the anti-Semitic idiots in the UN and the garden-variety idiots in the Biden administration.

And in the end, he had to face his death with the taste of dust and ashes in his mouth, already badly wounded, slumped in a ruined living room chair, watching his enemy’s high-tech drone hovering nearby, recording his pitiful state to show to the world.  Even if he’d had a gun, or an unwounded hand to hold it in, he would still have been powerless to hurt the Jews who were controlling that drone.

But he didn’t have a gun, or an uninjured gun arm.  All he had left was a skinny piece of wood, and all he could do was make a pathetic, impotent attempt to throw it at the drone.

He missed.  And then he watched the drone float backwards and away, leaving him alone in a filthy, crippled house, knowing that in a few seconds his miserable life would come to a violent, painful end at the hands of his hated enemies.

As it should be.

Meanwhile, here at home it’s worth remembering that the IDF’s incredible string of successes has been achieved because they have resolutely ignored the advice, bullying and threats from Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.

Biden/Harris told them not to risk civilian deaths in Gaza, and not to invade Gaza, and not to strike Hezbollah, because those would all only escalate the war.  They told the Jews to negotiate a cease fire that would have left Hamas and Hezbollah in power and stronger than ever. 

Who can forget Que Mala, lecturing the Jews that they shouldn’t go into Rafah?  She warned that such an invasion would lead to disaster, because she’d “looked at the maps.” 

By the way, it turns out that the demolished building that became the final resting place for Sinwar and his two bodyguards is located in… wait for it… Rafah!

UNEXPECTEDLY!           

Hamas delenda est!