Tag: donald-trump

A Great Tort Reform Idea, + the Origin of my Liz Warren Mockery (posted 12/9/24)

I am dividing today’s column between a serious proposal to address one aspect of our nation’s crime problem, and a hilarious peek into the origin story of my mockery of Elizabeth “Grandma Squanto” Warren.

I’ve been saving up some crime stories (which I’ll have to get to later this week), but one particular story is on my mind today: the outrageous prosecution of Daniel Penny in NYC.  This tale perfectly encapsulates the delusional dysfunction of leftist theology re: crime, and crime prevention.

Jordan Neely should have been imprisoned or confined to a mental institution long ago, which would have prevented the serious damage he’s done to society and himself for several decades.  And a Good Samaritan like Daniel Penny, who was willing to risk injury or death to subdue Neely and protect the citizens on that subway car, should be praised for his efforts, rather than blamed and prosecuted.

These are familiar points, and there’s no need to rehash them here.  Most sensible people already understand them, and far-left partisans refuse to do so, until (sometimes) they or someone they love is victimized by someone like Neely. 

But one wrinkle in this story is doubly irritating to me: Jordan Neely’s father Andre has filed suit for a ton of money against Daniel Penny.  

I don’t know the family history of either Neely, but the typical pattern in these cases is that absent, neglectful or even abusive family members come out of the woodwork after their troubled relative has been killed or injured.  They wail about the loss, and try to profit from a suit against anyone involved with the killing, usually a city or business that has the deepest pockets.

And sadly, this is indeed typical.  For example, after Kyle Rittenhouse legally shot three previously convicted violent felons who were trying to murder him, he (and the city of Kenosha) was sued by the two dead felons’ families, and by the one surviving felon.

Regular readers know that I am nothing if not a font of mostly brilliant ideas, and a problem-solving machine, and I think I’ve come up with a solution to this plague upon our society.  It involves a team of lawyers forming a nationwide group to automatically sue anyone who launches one of these lawsuits. 

Here’s how it would work.  Daniel Penny goes on trial for Jordan Neely’s death, and Neely’s dad lines up to take millions of dollars from either taxpayers or Penny and his family.  But invariably, recidivist criminals like Neely – or George Floyd, Michael Brown, or the three thugs whom Kyle Rittenhouse shot in self-defense – have left a long line of victims behind them.

My team of intrepid lawyers — call them the “Simpsonian Avenger League (SAL)” if you must (I’m already working on a logo and copyright) – would leap into action, and find the past victims of the dead or injured criminal.  Women he’s beaten or raped, people he’s assaulted or robbed, the family members of people he’s murdered – all would be signed up to a lawsuit against the criminal or his survivors.

Then, in the event you get a low-IQ, blue-state, social-justice-warrior jury, and they award millions to the criminal or his family, the SAL would move forward with their lawsuit.  The money initially awarded to the criminal would be impounded in an escrow account, and as soon as the criminals’ victims won their suits, that money would go to them.

I’d like something similar to be done on behalf of the citizenry at large.  If a recidivist had racked up unpaid restitution judgments, for example, all of that money would be scarfed up and returned to taxpayers. 

I’d also push for one step further: everything that society spent on that criminal – the costs of catching, trying and convicting him, plus the lifetime costs of jailing him – should also be forfeited back to the taxpayers. 

If there were still anything left owing from the judgment to him, I’d deduct all of the taxpayer-provided welfare that person had received: food stamps, housing, taxpayer-paid medical care, etc. 

The SAL would probably become something like DOGE: its members would receive the thanks of a grateful nation after it did its work for a year or two, and then it could go out of business, except for a handful of lawyers needed to continue its work.     

Because the ambulance-chasing lawyers for criminals are motivated solely by money.  And they would soon realize that even if they won ridiculous judgments against people like Daniel Penny, Derek Chauvin or Kyle Rittenhouse, those judgments would immediately be redirected to the victims of their creepy clients.

They wouldn’t get paid, and the baseless suits would stop. 

Okay, shifting gears now, regular readers will also know that I’ve been including running jokes about Liz Warren in my columns for many years.  After each of those jokes, I’ve included “#wemustneverstopmockingher.”

This weekend, as I was going back through some of my past columns (which you can find at Martinsimpsonwriting.com) in search of inflammatory references to “ranny-tays” that might draw the ire of FB censors, I came across the origin story of all of my Grandma Squanto jokes.  And I thought that since many of you may have found this site fairly recently, you might enjoy seeing it.    

It’s from a column dated 12/1/17, which looked back on my favorite events of the previous month.  In one of those events, Trump was giving an award to surviving members of the Navajo “Code Talkers” who served in WWII, and he wedged in an insulting “Pocahantas” reference. 

So please consider this finely-aged excerpt an early Christmas present from me to you:   

12/1/17: 

“But that’s not my favorite story of November.  That honor goes to Trump vs. Pocahontas Warren, Round Two.  Was it classy for Trump to put a rib kick in on Warren when he was supposed to be honoring the Code Talkers at the White House?  Was it juvenile, and a little embarrassing?  Did it still make me laugh?  No, yes, and I’m not too big to admit it.

Warren’s response was perfect, as she stepped right into the trolling trap, calling the name a “racial slur,” and vowing that she will not allow Trump to “shut [her] up.”  Guess what, Liz?  That’s the last thing he would want you to do.   He wants you to keep talking all things Indian – What do you think of the phrase “indian-giver,” Elizabeth?  Any thoughts on the name of the Washington Redskins?  Would you consider yourself a big Columbus fan? — and as you do so, he’s rhetorically putting a huge, feathered headdress on top of your dopey head, turning you into the Native American version of Dukakis in that tank commander’s helmet.

Especially since Warren is supposed to be a leading future Dem presidential contender, we cannot stress enough the sleazy details of her egregious faux-Indian scam.  In case you haven’t followed that story, here are my favorite details.   The blue-eyed, blonde, pasty-white future Senator began claiming to be Cherokee in her 30s, got herself listed as a minority in a directory of lawyers, and ended up with a job at Harvard, where the school touted her as a prominent minority hire.  She later denied that she got any advantage from her claimed minority status – a laughable claim to anyone even the least bit familiar with the political climate of academia.

What “facts” did Warren base her claims on? “Family lore” and the fact that her grandpa had “high cheekbones.”  I’m not making that up.

Hey, you know who else has some high cheekbones?   Melania Trump.  And we all know how feared the Slovenian Sioux were, all throughout the Badlands.

You know who else has high cheekbones?  My Norwegian-descent wife.   And yes, the Slovenian Sioux were only outstripped in their fighting reputation by the Oslo Apaches.  When the war canoes took to the fjords, pioneers knew that they were in for heap-big trouble!

My favorite Warren anecdote is that she once had the gall to submit five supposed family recipes as entries in a book of Native American dishes called – and again, I’m not making this up – “Pow Wow Chow.”

But it gets funnier – and I know what you are asking:  How?  (Get it?)

It turned out that two of her five recipes were plagiarized directly from another source: a man named Pierre Franey.  I know, you don’t often hear of Indians named “Pierre.”  (Although Pierre Horse, after merciless teasing during middle school, changed his first name to “Crazy,” and went on to become a ferocious warrior.  Also, Sitting Bull’s real first name?  “Jacques.”  True story.)

“Don’t be so dismissive, Simpson,” you might be saying.  “Maybe this Pierre Franey was somehow connected to the French and Indian War.  I remember reading about that in school.”

Nope.  It turns out Pierre was connected to… Le Pavilion, a snooty French restaurant in Manhattan.

“But Manhattan was once sold by its Indian inhabitants for a bunch of beads,” you might say.

And I’ll just nod my head sadly, and point out that Pierre wrote and published these two recipes… IN 1979!!

But wait.  There’s more.  The two recipes that she stole – recipes that she claimed came from her Oklahoma-dwelling Cherokee ancestors – were for “Cold Omelets with Crab Meat” and “Crab with Tomato Mayonnaise Dressing.”

Because when you think of lobster, you think of Maine.  When you think of corn, you think of Iowa.  When you think of potatoes, you think of Idaho.

And when you think of crab, you think of… Oklahoma?!

The lonesome, moonlit nights on the prairie.  The wind rustling through the grasses and wheat fields, the howling of a far-off coyote.  The campfire crackling under a starry sky.  And the clacking of millions of crustacean claws, as the great crab herds make their way across the endless plains in their awe-inspiring migration.

We should never stop mocking Elizabeth Warren.”

A few columns later, I first used the hashtag #wemustneverstopmockingher, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Happy Monday, everybody!

Hamas delenda est!

A Few Thoughts on Pardons and Polling (posted 12/6/24)

The Hunter Biden pardon, while aggravating, has not bothered me as much as it otherwise would have, for several reasons that many have commented on.  First, it wasn’t exactly surprising to any of us who aren’t gullible partisan Democrats.

If all of CO Nation had been in a bar on Sunday night – and what a glorious event that would be! – and I got up on a table and said, “Hey, does everybody remember how Joe Biden has insisted for months that he has given his word as a Biden that he would never ever pardon Hunter no matter what, cross his heart and hope to die?  Well he just issued a pardon for Hunter.”

The instantaneous roar from everyone in the crowd of, “UNEXPECTEDLY!” would have produced a sonic wave strong enough to knock me off my feet. 

Second, a bright side of the Hunter pardon is that it represents one more devastating shot at the Democrats’ crumbling credibility.  It not only makes Joey Gaffes look even worse on his way out the door (which I wouldn’t have thought possible, at this point), but it also re-humiliates all the elite Dems and talking heads who lied on his behalf, from “he’s sharp as a tack” to “his refusal to pardon his son shows how much Democrats revere the rule of law, unlike lawless Orange Hitler.”    

More importantly, it gives Trump carte blanche to start tossing out pardons like Que Mala serving up steaming bowls of word goulash. Because any Dem stupid enough to start objecting vociferously is going to get Hunter thrown back in his face.  (And nobody wants that.  Ask any of the hookers to whom that has happened.)

And Trump needn’t come across as just getting even; he could draw substantive and useful distinctions between the way Biden and the Dems weaponized the legal system, and what he’s going to do. 

The law was used against him to turn non-crimes into misdemeanors, and then turn those misdemeanors into felonies, and then those felonies into crimes against humanity.  Democrats tried to jail him for keeping White House documents after he left office, but fought any attempts to even charge Hillary and Joe Biden for more severe instances of the same behavior.

Democrat Attorneys-General Eric Holder and Merrick Garland, and IRS official Lois Lerner were all found in contempt of Congress, and none of them suffered any consequences, while the Democrats jailed Peter Navarro and Steven Bannon for the same infraction.  Etc. and etc.

I hope that on Day 1 Trump pardons every non-violent January 6th protestor (i.e. the vast majority of them), as well as any non-violent abortion protestors.  More controversially, I’d like to see him pardon Derek Chauvin in the death of George Floyd.

That one might be too big of a distraction as he’s trying to get started, because it would inflame millions of low-information voters who have been lied to by the grifters in charge for the last 4 years.  But that case has always been outrageous.  It was a textbook example of a trial that required a change of venue, and in which evidence was tainted by corruption.  (Starting with the Medical Examiner’s initial finding that Floyd’s death was caused by a combination of lethal levels of drugs in his system and the serious damage that had been done to his heart by his life-long drug use.  Political pressure led him to later change his findings to mostly blame Chauvin.)

As I am writing this, the Daniel Penny verdict has not come down yet, but if the NY jury finds him guilty in the death of Jordan Neely, Trump should immediately pardon him, too.  That one wouldn’t be as controversial as Chauvin, because even the majority of New Yorkers know what a travesty that trial has been.

In fact, pardoning Penny would be win-win for Trump, giving him both the chance to right an obvious wrong, and also achieve a political win by sending citizens AND criminals the message that law and order is back. 

I can see him giving a press conference in NYC with Mayor Eric Adams (who is now talking tough on both crime and immigration) standing behind him.  “I love NYC and New Yorkers too much to watch them suffer what’s coming their way if their insane, far-left politicians continue to inflict this kind of helplessness on them.  In fact, anyone who intervenes as a Good Samaritan is going to get a pardon from me if convicted, so start fighting back, because my White House has got your back!”

Trump could hurt himself by obsessing over relitigating the 2020 election and his legal cases, as justified as that would be.  But he could avoid that, and help his administration’s strong start by clearly looking forward, starting with clearing the decks of past victims of the Biden era corruption. 

The second topic on my mind today is the state of political polling. 

You may remember that back in September, I commented on the way Kamala’s team started having her do a lot of interviews after she had ducked them for many weeks.  I said that I could only imagine one reason why: her campaign must have had internal polling showing that she was in much worse shape – and almost certainly losing – than all of the mountains of public polls that showed the election as tied, or with her having a slight lead.  

Otherwise, an obviously vulnerable candidate who was almost certain to implode in even the softest of interviews would have kept hiding and tried to run out the clock.

But now her Senior Advisor David Plouffe (and others, off the record) has admitted that their internal polling never showed her in the lead, particularly in the battleground states. Sure, that proves me right, and justifies the many who have been calling me Nostra-marticus. 

Okay, maybe not “many.”  Because I just made that up.  But I’m hoping it catches on, just the way that I hope “Nostra-dumb-ass” catches on to describe smug doofus Allan Lichtman and his “13 keys.”

But that’s not my main point.

How did her campaign have accurate polling info, when almost the entirety of the rest of the polling world did not?  The public polls weren’t wildly off – the majority did show Trump with a slight, up to 2-point lead, and he ended up winning the popular vote nationwide by around 1.7, even though he swept the battleground states, mostly narrowly.  But I’m wondering about the nature of her internal polls, and also whether the Trump campaign had the same info.

I completely understand “push polling,” i.e. inauthentic polls that play with word choice or demographic sampling in order to produce a favored result: our candidate is ahead, her positions are popular, and she’s got momentum and is winning, so get on the bandwagon.

But there are legitimate pollsters too, and their survival in the marketplace is tied to their ability to get it right as accurately and often as they can.  

That’s why the infamous Ann Selzer Iowa poll – showing Kamala winning the state by 3 points, rather than losing by 13, as she eventually did – was such an odd outlier.  She had previously earned a reputation as the “gold standard” among Iowa polls, and I was really confused by her final, wildly wrong poll.

Until it was revealed after the election that months earlier she had told the Des Moines Register that she was planning to retire after this election.  Which leads to a plausible explanation of why a respected pollster would destroy her own future business prospects by putting out a wildly inaccurate poll that would logically help the Dems and hurt the GOP: she wasn’t planning to be in business in the future.

One thing this election points out: relying on a Real Clear Politics-style aggregation of all polls is a dicey proposition.  Not because RCP isn’t a solid site which offers a great amount of detail for political junkies, but because the people running the site apparently don’t have an accurate way of gauging the honesty, competence or reliability of various polling outfits. 

The rationale for a RealClearPolitics aggregation approach is the appeal to the “wisdom of crowds” idea: when you average data from all across the spectrum, you will get the best approximation of truth.  But the “wisdom of crowds” assumes that the people in the crowd are doing their best to get the right answer, while many in the polling organizations are biased partisans, often looking – consciously or not – to confirm their own priors. 

You can see that in the aggregation.  Rasmussen, AtlasIntel and a handful of others showed Trump with a narrow but stubborn lead, and ended up very close to the final results. But the following polls all showed Harris winning, with similarly narrow but stubborn leads: Ipsos (Harris +2), NPR/PBS/Marist (+4), Forbes (+2), Yahoo (+1) and Morning Consult (+2).

Adding those consistently biased polls to your data pool necessarily means that the aggregation will be skewed.

Ironically – or not – the wisdom of crowds idea was completely vindicated by the betting markets – which consistently showed Trump winning by between a little and a lot.  And that makes sense, because betting markets – while supposedly not scientific, or based on meticulously gathered and analyzed polling data – do recreate the ideal crowd envisioned by the “wisdom of crowds” idea.

They all have their own money on the line, and are thus incentivized purely by the desire to get it right, absent all other considerations of political bias or any rooting interests. 

My conclusion is that we need polls to gauge the state of a race, but the polls that have been wrong in the past should pay a steep price. 

If a car-maker’s vehicles kept blowing up, and a restaurant’s food kept making customers sick, and one of Hunter’s hookers kept giving him the clap – assuming he didn’t already have it. Which… c’mon – we would stop patronizing all of them.

And that about sums up the lefty pollsters’ recent performance: they keep blowing up, making us sick, and giving us STDs.

This year marks the third election in a row where most of the national polls significantly under-estimated Trump’s support across the board.  In a fair world, those polls would be disregarded in the future until they’ve been right for as many cycles as they have now been wrong. 

Which means that we should take NPR, Ipsos, Morning Consult and the rest seriously ONLY in 2040 at the earliest, and then only if they get ’28, ‘32 and ’36 correct!

Hamas delenda est!

These Aren’t Red Flags – They’re Green Flags (posted 12/2/24)

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!  Ours was guaranteed to be good, since we didn’t have to travel.  Karen’s brothers and their spouses came over, and Emily was home from college.  And even though Katie and her husband are in Denver and my sister and mom are in Tennessee, we’ll be seeing all of them shortly. 

Katie is flying in for Emily’s graduation and an early Christmas celebration in a couple of weeks, and we’ll be going up to spend some time with mom and sis for an early Christmas in Tennessee after that, before returning home for Christmas.  So we’ll have three Christmas celebrations this year!

As my favorite month begins, I’m still basking in the continuous waves of good news that are washing over our country since the election.  In fact, as an homage to our instinctive optimism here in the CO nation, I’d like to coin a new term to reflect our sunny outlook: “green flag.”

Everybody knows the term “red flag” – an ominous sign indicating that things are going wrong.  For example, when San Francisco deteriorated to the point that some tech-savvy resident made a “poop map” app so that people could try to avoid the most heavily fecal areas of the once-great city, that was a red flag.

Or as Adam Carolla has said, when LA started to encase some of their highway signs in barbed wire to discourage vandalism, that was a red flag.  Or when hulking dudes in makeup and dresses reading to toddlers became part of public-school curricula, that was a red flag.  I could go on and on.

In fact, if Gavin Newsom actually does run for president in 2028, I’ve already got his campaign slogan: “Drag Queens, Barbed Wire, and Mounds of Human Waste – Newsom ’28!”

But I’d like to point out the opposite of red flags, which I am drawing from the traffic light system – hence, green flags.  (But not in the environmentalist sense.  Because the Green New Deal was a huge red flag, ironically enough.)  By “green flags” I mean positive and encouraging signs that things are heading in the right direction.

Over the last three weeks, I’ve seen a ton of green flags.  And as CO often says, everything is better when turned into a list:

1. I absolutely love the idea that’s been floated of changing the seating arrangement of the press corps in the White House briefing room.  The existing arrangement has always given the best seats up front to the corrupt dinosaurs of the legacy media: the New York Times and WAPO, and the main tv networks.  But that arrangement is anachronistic now.  The big newspapers have been bleeding subscribers for decades, and the network news talking heads are preaching to an ever-diminishing choir.

But in addition to their declining influence, they’ve also shown themselves to be little more than dishonest leftist propagandists, so it makes no sense to continue rewarding them with prime locations and the first chance to launch their sleazy attacks thinly disguised as legitimate questions.

Independent and conservative podcasters have much larger audiences and are driving more of the mainstream cultural conversation lately, and influential conservative outlets such as The Daily Wire, The Blaze and Breitbart have done more honest – though transparently partisan – reporting and commentary than the MSM has done.

So let the far lefties sit in the back near the bathrooms – like the few conservatives in the room have been doing for decades – and learn from their time in the media wilderness to which they’ve been deservedly banished. 

2.  I also love the way the Trumpsters are maneuvering various bad actors into some form of self-deportation.  Of course, the best example is those who have illegally come into the country.  Lefty critics are always saying, “What are you going to do, deport 10 million people?”

But we won’t have to do that.  We can get a lot of easy wins at first, by focusing on those who have already received deportation orders after their asylum claims were denied, and those who have committed other crimes in addition to their illegal entry. 

Catching and deporting several hundred thousand of those will send a clear message, and between doing that and shutting down all of the incentives to try to stay (free housing, food, travel and phones, plus easy access to jobs) we’ll help many illegals see that returning home is their best option.

In fact, Breitbart reported last week that many Haitians who had gone to Springfield, Ohio are already “self-deporting… fleeing to sanctuary jurisdictions such as Chicago and NYC.”  That’s a good first step. 

And after Trump shuts off some federal funding and otherwise pressures sanctuary cities, and they spend a few months with reduced income to deal with illegals – and more and growing unrest from citizens, because these cities are almost all economic basket cases already – those cities will be increasingly undesirable options for illegals.   

I’ll bet that after six months or a year of mass deportations, if we start offering free flights back to their home countries, many people will voluntarily go, especially when the alternative is to go to detention centers from which they are likely to be deported after a relatively short time anyway.   

3. But pressures to self-deport in a different way are also building.  Many of the corrupt bureaucrats in DC – especially in the FBI, intelligence agencies and DOJ – are already scrubbing websites, shredding records and preparing resumes or resignation papers, and good riddance to them.

Additionally, tons of federal employees are still using the pandemic as an excuse to work from home, and requiring them to come back to the office full-time will undoubtedly result in many more resignations. 

Trump is also talking about relocating many DC-centric federal agencies out into fly-over country, which I think is brilliant.  Many employees will voluntarily quit rather than move, some doing so for family or other legitimate personal reasons.  But some will quit because they are snobby coastal elites who look down on the garbage voters who just kicked their arses in November, and we’ll all be well rid of them.

Those who move will generally be those more dedicated to doing their jobs, which will improve the average quality of federal employees.  And for those who are open-minded enough to learn from experience, they’ll discover that the quality of many people and communities in flyover country compares quite well to those they’d been surrounded by in DC. 

Okay, I’ll have more encouraging “green flags” in my column on Wednesday. But I wanted to comment on one other enjoyable mistake the Dems are making as they sift through the ashes of November 5th and try to figure out what went wrong.  

Many Dem and MSM elites have settled on the idea that Kamala was severely handicapped by the fact that Biden got out so late, leaving her so little time to get her campaign up and running.  “Considering that she only had 107 days, I think she did incredibly well,” they say.

Which I find to be comically wrong, for two reasons.  (Besides the obvious: if THAT was “incredibly well done,” what would “terribly done” look like?!)  

First, it blames only Biden for his staying in way too long.  Obviously that was a problem…but it was a problem entirely within the control of the Dem elites, who didn’t just allow it, but aided and abetted it. 

I’m reminded of the dilemma in many families when grandpa is obviously diminished to the point that he’s not safe driving anymore.  Although it makes for an ugly scene, even marginally functional families go through the uncomfortable confrontation of explaining to gramps that they’re taking the keys, because he’s a danger to himself and others on the road.

Only the most severely dysfunctional, social train-wrecks of families LET GRANDPA KEEP DRIVING!  OH!! OHHHH!!!  (There’s your little dose of Sam Kinison for a Monday morning.)

 “Sure, he’s run over a dozen curbs, two pets and a fire hydrant.  And he did rear-end that daycare van full of toddlers yesterday.  But hey, that’s just lovable, avuncular gramps.  In fact, he’s the best gramps he’s ever been.  Sharp as a tack!  How dare you suggest that within the next fortnight he’s going to plow through the front window of a café, killing a dozen customers, because he doesn’t remember the difference between the gas and the brake?!”

Well, that’s what the Dems did.  It was obvious to everybody with functioning eyes that Biden should have been checked into Shady Acres Retirement Village and put on an all-broth diet several years ago.  But they lied to themselves and us, right up until he crumbled on the debate stage.

But the second reason is even more self-flattering Democrat nonsense, because it proposes that Kamala just needed more time on the big stage, when the truth was exactly the opposite. 

We knew from the Dem primaries in 2019 that scrutiny was Que Mala’s kryptonite.  Because when Tulsi lobbed a couple of fair questions at her, she melted into the floor and became the first contender to drop out.

Which was why she was at her “best” for the first 45 days or so of her campaign this time, when she hid out and gave zero interviews.  Far from being hurt by only running for 107 days, she would have had a much better chance if she’d had only about two weeks to campaign! 

The leftist MSM and Dem machine could have filled the air with clouds of BS about joy and a totally phony biography: she’s a tough law-and-order prosecutor who was raised in the middle class, and she’ll be the first half Indian-American and half African-American – but somehow still mostly black – president. 

Not to mention that she’ll be the first woman president!  That’s right, she’ll be the epoch-defining vagician who would break the previously unbreakable glass ceiling, and usher in a glorious new age of female empowerment! 

I’m encouraged by watching the Dem post-mortem election analysis, because almost all of it seems to be shot-through with delusion and denial of their real problems. 

Trump isn’t the demon they think he is.

They’re not the righteous social justice warriors they think they are.

And the American public aren’t the deplorable garbage they think they are. 

So if they can keep this up, continuing to learn the wrong lessons and doubling down on what cost them this election, they should be wandering in the political wilderness for a long time to come.

And we are all here for it.  Come on, January!

Hamas delenda est!

Lots to Be Thankful For, + My Trump Inauguration Speech (posted 11/27/24)

So I was reading the online site Space.com today – as one normally does most Tuesdays – and I came across an intriguing article titled, “A super-Earth beyond Mars would have made Earth nearly uninhabitable.”  The article discussed the implications of recently published research by my daughter, whom the article referred to as a “planetary scientist.”

She’s not technically a “planetary scientist” yet – she graduates in a few weeks with two degrees, in Planetary Science, and Astronomy and Astrophysics, and is applying to start a PhD program in the fall – but she’s the first author on a journal article already.

Also, my older daughter Katie is fully recovered from her surgery last month, and back at work saving lives as a pediatric nurse.  (Thanks again for all your prayers and good wishes.)  And Cassie the Wonder Dog is lying on the floor beside my desk as I write this, radiating canine faithfulness.

Thus ends the “Bragging Dad” section of the column.

As we all prepare for another Thanksgiving, this one seems especially sweet to me.  Everywhere I look, I see evidence that God exists, and He loves us.

And I’m not just talking about my smoke-show wife, smarty-pants daughters and the Gators upsetting LSU and Ole Miss in recent weeks.

I’m talking about bourbon, and ice cream, and scotch, and literature, and music, and beer, and modern anesthetics.  (I’ve getting a root canal next week, and thanks to numbing shots and sweet, sweet oxycodone, I’m not worried about it at all.)  I’m talking about football, both college and pro. (Did I mention that the Gators are bowl eligible, despite having the toughest schedule in the country this year?) (Did I mention the Chicago Bears?  Okay, I did not. But wait ‘til next year!)

I’m talking about living in the greatest country in the world, based on a Judeo-Christian moral foundation that safeguards our rights.  I can worship freely, and speak my mind, and defend myself and my family against violent d-bags – using my constitutionally protected handguns and shotguns.

I’m talking about a nation which has allowed human flourishing in so many areas, including amazing technological advances.   From air conditioning (I don’t know how people settled Florida without it… or why!) to airplanes to cars to computers, we now have access to the greatest products of human creativity.

I’m talking about video and audio recordings of amazing music – not just classical, bluegrass, country, pop and rock, but eccentric, riveting styles from around the world, including Gregorian chants, Mongolian throat singing (check out the Hu Band’s bizarrely hypnotic “Wolf Totem”), and a Georgian Orthodox priest and a young girl singing The Lord’s Prayer in Aramaic, which I can’t watch without choking up.

We can read great writing – from Dante, Milton and Shakespeare to Hemingway, Chandler, Frost and C.S. Lewis – all at our fingertips.  We can access great drama and comedy, and documentaries and movies on any subject, whenever we want.  I can watch Victor Davis Hanson, Ben Shapiro, Thomas Sowell, Milton Friedman and Adam Carolla whenever I’m in the mood.

And the computer allows us to “meet” people and form communities in ways never before possible.  Communities like our very own CO nation, which has been for me a source of information, entertainment and even joy, as I hope it has been for you.  We’ve celebrated cultural and political good news together – and commiserated through bad news – over the last eight years.           

And as this year moves toward its end, we’ve got so much more to celebrate.  This election has renewed and fed our badly dented optimism about the country’s near future, and filled us with gratitude for the opportunities in front of us, and relief over the bullets we dodged on November 6th. 

It’s also given us more than a little bit of invigorating schadenfreude at the much-deserved dose of karmic whoop-ass and whirlwind-reaping received by some people who needed their ears boxed and their course corrected.  As do we all, from time to time.   

This Thanksgiving and Christmas will be extra happy, because we know that in January our nation will begin to undo the damage done over the last decade and more, and reorient ourselves to what has made our country great.  I am looking forward to this inauguration more than any other in my lifetime.

On Monday I wrote about how I’d love to see Trump troll the left by being sworn in on a copy of Project 2025.  And because I am basically a child trapped in a man’s body, that started me fantasizing about the inaugural address I’d like to see Trump deliver.     

Am I saying that my version ranks up there with Lincoln’s second inaugural, and should therefore be carved on the walls of the future Trump Memorial in DC? 

To quote a failed presidential candidate whose name escapes me, “I’m saying we should have that conversation.”

So as my Thanksgiving gift to you, here’s the speech that I’d load into Trump’s teleprompter on January 20th:

“First let me thank the citizens in the battleground states, which I swept in an unprecedented way.  Never been done before!  Nobody has ever seen anything like it.  Certainly not the pollsters, who are very stupid people, let’s admit it.

The “Blue Wall,” they called it!  They were right about it being a wall, but they got the color wrong.  They got it wrong!  Because we built a fantastic Red Wall.  We won the popular vote, we built a red wall, and soon we’ll build a big, beautiful border wall!  You’re all going to love it, believe me.

I’d also like to thank my beautiful wife Melania.  She’s gorgeous, isn’t she?  She came here the right way – LEGALLY! – and she gave me my gigantic, genetically superior son, Barron. 

And my other children too, from my other wives, each one younger and more beautiful than the last.  People are always asking me, “Sir, how did all of your children turn out so great?  They’re all so successful, not a loser in the bunch.  None of them took bags of illegal cash from corrupt countries, or recorded themselves snorting meth with hookers, like some other presidential offspring we could mention.”

But I say, “No!  You shouldn’t talk about other people that way, even if they did leave cocaine lying all over the White House.”  Especially not today, which is a fantastic day.  Maybe the best day ever, since it marks our turning away from the horrible failures of my low-IQ predecessors, and toward the amazing dawn of making America great again!  

I’d like to begin my second term with a gesture of bipartisanship, by agreeing to two of the Democrats’ main proposals over the last several years.  Therefore, I am going to grant their frequently and passionately repeated requests to get rid of the filibuster in the Senate, starting now.  I will begin immediately pushing all of my policies through, on all fronts, with at least 50 votes in the Senate, using JD Vance’s tie-breaking vote whenever needed.” 

“Secondly, I hereby agree to an 18-year maximum tenure on the Supreme Court.  Sadly, that means that Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito and John Roberts will be forced to retire this year.  I will immediately nominate strict constructionist/originalists to replace each of them, and ram them through the Senate confirmation process.  It also means that Justices Sotomayor and Kagan will be forcibly retired during 2027 and 2028 respectively, and I will appoint their replacements as well.  Doing so will ensure that when I leave office, we will have a solid court with an 8-1 conservative majority, and for most of the next 15 years, 7 of those will be my appointees.

During his second term, JD Vance will appoint replacements for Gorsuch, Kavanaugh and Coney-Barrett.  Then Ivanka – the first female president – will appoint Ketanji Brown-Jackson’s replacement in 2040.  Then, of course, Barron will succeed Ivanka after his election when he turns 35 years old, in 2041.

Now if you will all join me in the White House, we’ll be enjoying a state dinner catered by McDonalds.  My Democrat friends can pile into the back of the line of Trump garbage trucks parked on Pennsylvania Avenue for the drive to dinner.

God bless you, and God bless America!”

Have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving, CO Nation!

The Democrats’ Double-Standard on Cabinet Picks (posted 11/25/24)

Okay, now God is testing me.  Because there are too many stories in the news for just one man to possibly cover.  And even though I have the strength of 10 men, there is – tragically – only one of me.  

So today I have to postpone talking about many hilarious stories. 

Stories such as Rob “Meathead” Reiner checking himself into a “facility” to try to cope with his post-election, TDS-induced blues.  (Which I am not making up.)

Or the story of one of the assistants to Alvin Bragg – the slimy New York DA who divides his time between trying to jail Trump for crimes against humanity and making sure that as many dangerous illegals flood the streets of NYC as possible – gets mugged by… wait for it… a many-times-deported illegal!  (Also not making this up.)

Or the story of a Chicago Democrat who has tracked down the biggest disaster in his crumbling city: racist traffic cameras.  (Not made up.)

Or the story of the dimwits on the View being so unhinged that they had to read 5 legal corrections about slanderous comments they’d made – in just one week! (You can’t make that up.)

Or the story about the TDS-suffering actress (Rachel Zegler) who has been struggling to turn Disney’s big-budget “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” into “Woke Snow Brown and One Little Person plus Six Normal-Sized People.”  Disney spent the last year re-shooting after disastrous preliminary screenings and Zegler’s equally disastrously off-putting woke comments, only to have Zegler unleash another post-election tirade to the effect of, “I hate our potential audience, and hope none of them come to see this film!”  (Disney wishes that one was made up.) 

I hope to be able to come back and revisit some of these stories in all of their hilarious detail. But today I’d like to focus on another story: the gratifyingly quick roll-out of Trump’s picks for key posts in his administration.

Of course the Democrat leadership and the MSM talking heads – but I repeat myself – are trashing most of them, and vowing to oppose their confirmation.  Which will have the same effect as stamping their little feet and holding their breath, except for being less entertaining.   

If you have lefty friends who start railing about Trump’s picks, ask them this question: “How many of Biden’s political picks can you even name?”  Sure, they’ll probably remember Que Mala.  (Did you know that she was raised in the middle class, and contrary to public opinion, did NOT fall out of a coconut tree?) But after that, not so much.

To the extent that they recall anyone, it will usually be due to some scandal.  For example, who was that bald freak with the super-red lipstick and all of the stolen ladies’ luggage?  Or the military guy with the weird “dress-like-a-dog” fetish?  Ooh, or that dude who dressed like a homely woman going to the worst-ever costume party as Captain Kangaroo?    

When your lefty friend can’t name any Biden choices, humor them by naming those people, and then ask how impressive they’ve been.  For example, the Transportation Secretary is Mayor Pete.  He has no background in transportation at all, no degree in any related field, but during his confirmation he talked about how he’s always liked trains.  Seriously. 

The real reason he was hired was because he was in the primaries, and he’s gay.  So the obvious thing to do was to give the gay guy who likes choo choo trains a cabinet position.  And then look the other way when he takes maternity leave to rest up and recover from the enormous physical strain of not giving birth to the baby that he didn’t conceive, carry or deliver.  Because spoiler alert, even the most effeminate of dudes can’t have babies.    

Oh, and also, nevermind about that deadly train wreck in Ohio that he dropped the ball on.

Go down the list.  Merrick Garland is a corrupt, partisan hack, and would easily be the worst attorney general in the last 40 years, if Obama hadn’t picked Eric “Steadman the Wingman” Holder and Loretta Lynch, thus making a competitive medal-stand for the “Worst AG” finals.

Secretary of Defense is Lloyd Austin, who was in office during Biden’s unbelievably botched flight from Afghanistan, and who disappeared for several weeks to get surgery without telling anyone.

Secretary of State is Antony Blinken, who has never met a foreign conflict he can’t make worse, including giving aid and comfort to Hamas and constantly trying to bully Israel.  And so on. 

Meanwhile, Trump picks RFK Jr. to lead HHS, and the left loses their Schiff.  I recently read Maureen Callahan’s new book on the Kennedys and their treatment of women, so no Kennedy is great in my book.  But RFK has been very involved in health and nutrition issues, was right about the dangers of big pharma and Fauci’s vax mandates, and is not the anti-vax loon the Dems are claiming he is.

Still, the lefties are howling, “He’s not even a doctor, and has no formal medical training at all!”  I was just about to predict that next they’ll be banging their well-worn credentialism drum, boasting about how all recent Democrat presidents picked only docs who went to prestigious Ivy-League med schools.  

So I looked it up.  And let me ask you: of the last 6 HHS heads appointed by Democrat presidents, how many of them do you think got their medical degrees from one of those top schools? 

Would you believe zero?  In fact, would you believe that they earned zero medical degrees among them, at ANY school? 

That’s right.  Jimmy Carter appointed 2 lawyers for that post.  Clinton picked Donna Shalala (a poli-sci PhD); Obama chose Kathleen Sebelius (BA and MA in non-medical fields) and Sylvia Burwell (2 BAs in non-medical fields).  And Biden (RIP) appointed Xavier Becerra, a lawyer who doesn’t know a rectal thermometer from a regular one.   

So the Dems can zip it on RFK Jr., even though they won’t. 

As they won’t about the rest of Trump’s picks, who are generally very strong, and capable of bringing much-needed changes to their various posts.

However, I do think that Trump has made at least one lousy pick so far (not counting Gaetz), and that’s his choice of Lori Chavez-DeRemer for Labor Secretary.  I saw that CO linked to a story about her yesterday, which tells me that most of you know the basics about her background.

For the record, I’m not against private sector unions. But I agree with FDR and the influential early union bosses who didn’t think there should be public sector unions, since by definition they bargain with their own allies against the taxpayers.  (E.g. Chicago unions put Chicago mayors in office, getting sweetheart deals from the mayors who are then indebted to them, and they stick taxpayers with the bill.)

You don’t have to look very closely to know that DeRemer is not on the conservative side.  She’s one of only 3 House Republicans to vote for the PRO Act, a Big Labor bill that originated in California (strike 1) and pushed to get rid of secret ballot votes in union elections (strike 2), in favor of so-called “card-check” procedures that allow corrupt union bosses to intimidate their members into voting their way (strike 3). 

She’s also a big favorite of one of the worst people in the country, teachers’ union boss Randi Weingarten, who cheered Trump’s pick of DeRemer.  You don’t have to be Socrates to understand that when your worst enemies are celebrating one of your choices, that was a bad choice.

On the other hand, there’s no reason to over-react.  If DeRemer were to get confirmed, and she tried to pull any underhanded tricks to undermine Trump’s agenda at the behest of Weingarten or her minions, I’m confident that Trump would fire her in a minute. 

But why put yourself in that position in the first place? 

Regular readers know that I was a DeSantis guy – and still admire him and think he’d make a great president – but that I’ve voted for Trump three times, and I’m ecstatic that he won, and can’t wait until January.  His overall picks are great, and I’ve never looked forward to a presidential term like I’m looking forward to this one!

That being said, I’m a conservative, and wherever MAGA overlaps with conservatism, I’m super-duper-ultra-MAGA.  Where it doesn’t, Trump is still my guy, but I’ll support efforts to get him to steer his course back toward conservatism.    

Having said that, I’d like to pose an uncomfortable thesis to CO nation about DeRemer: If you had looked at her background last week, you’d say that she was a deep-state, RINO corrupticrat in the pockets of the sleazy, student-neglecting teachers’ unions.  And you’d be right. 

But after Trump has picked her, and you hear me cogently point out her Weingarten-y-ness, are you tempted to get your back up and call me a RINO (which is blasphemy, as Dr. Allan Lichtman could tell you!), and deny that she’s a bad pick? 

I think we need to aggressively support Trump against the bad-faith attacks of the Left.  But when he’s wrong about something, we need to be able to say that and debate it, without triggering internecine battles that make us look like the Democrats who are tearing themselves apart right now.  

Okay, rather than end on that down note, I’d like to give Trump his due as an amazing troller; his McDonalds and garbage truck stunts were great, and a perfect counter-move to Kamala’s inauthentic and over-cautious timidity.

I hope he continues trolling the left right up until inauguration day.  In fact, I’d love to see him get up to take the oath of office, but at the last minute tell the crowd that instead of putting his hand on the King James Bible, he’d like to be sworn in with his personal copy of Project 2025, which he will begin implementing immediately afterward.

And then do the goofy Trump dance when Imhotep Pelosi loses her dentures and Chuck Schumer has a heart attack.

I’d also like to see him follow Sherry Meyers’ advice and announce a surprise cabinet pick: Grandma Squanto Warren to head up the Bureau of Indian Affairs. 

#wemustneverstopmockingher

Hamas delenda est!

I’m Punching Up, at Elitists, From Now On (posted 11/22/24)

Okay, I’m not going to make fun of non-famous, non-influential, everyday leftists recording themselves losing their minds over the election any more.  Because it has just gotten sad.  And it’s actually sobering to see how many truly troubled and malfunctioning people are out there.

In a way, I can empathize with their situation, because the 2020 election was a horrific experience for me, as was Obama’s win in 2012, and the red-wave-less midterm in 2022.  It was nauseating to watch my country choose such feckless leaders and self-destructive policies in each of those elections.

But do you know what I – and CO, and CO nation, and pretty much all conservatives – didn’t do in any of those years? 

Record humiliating self-own videos during which we alternatingly cried, broke things and screamed obscenities, followed by vowing to leave the country, followed by ranting about how all Democrat voters were Nazis, followed by recording threats of violence against our fellow Americans who made the mistake of voting for Democrats. 

The flood of hysterical leftists who lost their minds in 2016 caught me by surprise.  The crazy ladies screaming at the sky, the beta males bawling so hard that their mascara was hopelessly smeared, the hordes of women who paraded around the mall with hats intentionally meant to resemble female genitalia.  In public!

But what has surprised me even more – and the trend has accelerated in this election cycle – is the number of seemingly high-functioning professionals who have shown themselves to be as emotionally dysregulated and mentally unstable as the marginalized fringe-dwellers making ridiculous TikTok videos.

There are a ton of truly disturbed teachers out there, for example, with dozens of high-profile cases of career-ending rants.  Examples include a male Moreno Valley, CA teacher hollering and swearing to his class about how he hates the patriarchy and “treasonous rapist and coward” Trump, and a self-recorded rant from a teacher in Connecticut threatening Trump voters with putting them “on a stretcher, gone forever” – and then later crying after getting fired.       

The most unexpected examples, though, are the truly elite people who have shown themselves to be either emotional basket-cases, or else incapable of calmly perceiving reality and logically analyzing basic arguments. Three of these have stood out to me.

The first is Dr. Laura Helmuth, who got a PhD in cognitive neuroscience from Berkeley and worked at prestigious jobs – Science Editor at the Smithsonian, and then at WAPO – before becoming editor-in-chief of the 175-year-old Scientific American.

Yet on election night, she posted a series of tweets that could have been written by the looniest of the dysfunctional drama queens on TikTok.   She expressed, “Solidarity to everybody whose meanest, dumbest, most bigoted high-school classmates are celebrating early results because f–k them to the moon and back.”  She also apologized that her generation is “full of f**king fascists,” before slandering her home state of Indiana, which she left because of how “racist and sexist” it is. 

Before she resigned a few days later, she tried an unconvincing apology, claiming that, “I respect and value people across the political spectrum.”  Except for the mean, dumb, fascist, racist and sexist bigots, I guess. 

The second example is historian Heather Cox Richardson, who appeared on Jon Stewart’s podcast The Weekly Show.  I’d never seen his podcast, but wanted to see how his smarminess would be affected by the electoral beating, and she put on a world-class exhibition of point-missing and lie-repeating. 

She talked about how great our economy is now, but uninformed Trump voters just don’t know it.  She said that wages went up for working people under Biden, as if she didn’t understand what inflation is, or that it outpaced nominal wage gains. She said that people think that eggs cost too much, but she knows the real reasons: grocery stores have been price gouging, and there was a bird flu. 

But anyone familiar with grocery stores knows that they have amongst the skinniest profit margins of any business – usually around 1-2%.   And the bird flu?  Yes, I know that there was a bird flu and that several million chickens were killed on factory farms. 

But was there a cow flu that I don’t know about?  Because I am an ice cream addict, and the cost of my addiction has doubled in the last 4 years.   And was there an outbreak of popcorn weevils, because my popcorn is up about 60%?

 And was there a metastasizing elephantiasis affecting interest rates that has caused 30-year-mortgage rates to double under Biden?   Or a pandemic affecting the central nervous systems of millions of third-world residents, causing all of them to simultaneously experience a severe case of restless leg syndrome, such that they all found themselves walking thousands of miles up to and across our borders?

These are not low-IQ people, yet neither of them can bring themselves to consider that their premises are 180 degrees wrong.  They use all of their brain power to overlook the obvious – Que Mala is a hollow bag of cliches and word goulash, data shows that most people were better off under Trump – and manufacture self-flattering lies to explain Trump’s win.

Speaking of which, my favorite example is Allan Lichtman, the academic previously heralded as the “Nostradamus of Pollsters.”  I’ve previously written about him and his “13 Keys” that can supposedly predict any election’s outcome.  Lichtman was quite cocky pre-election, when he explained that his keys proved that Kamala would win.

Thus Nostradamus became Nostra-dumb-ass.

On Wednesday he went on Piers Morgan’s tv show with fellow leftist Cenk Uygur, and if you haven’t seen it yet, you must!  Lichtman goes first, and he gives two reasons why he missed this prediction:  1. The way the “spineless, cowardly Democrats openly and visibly trash[ed]” Biden, and 2. The huge amount of “disinformation” (he points to Elon as the chief culprit), which fooled the voters about the reality of the culture, the economy, and illegal immigrants. 

Of course the professor knew about both of those when he made his calculations.  Also, he makes the classic self-justifying move: the voters were wrong about reality, not him.

Cenk wasn’t having it.  He said that he had debated Lichtman before, and that Cenk was right and Lichtman and his keys were wrong.

Which was true, but absolutely the wrong thing to say.  Because an academic hates nothing more than clear statements of fact which destroy his own theory.  So Lichtman performed the clearest and most concise distillation of academic hubris I’ve ever seen.   

He snapped, “That’s a cheap shot and I won’t stand for it!”  When Cenk repeated the obvious point that Lichtman’s predictions were wrong, the prof hollered and waved his arms, saying, “I’ve only been a professor for 51 years, published 13 books.  How many books have you published?” 

Which is a double-strength shot of trying to cover up a painful truth with irrelevant credentialism: “Sure, a monkey throwing darts at battleground states on a map would have been more accurate than my predictions.  But just look at my curriculum vitae and the books I’ve written!  I’m a ‘DOCTOR,’ dammit, just like Dr. Jill!” 

Cenk responded succinctly.  “Okay, but brother, you got it wrong!  Preposterously and stupidly wrong!”  (By the way, anyone writing a post-mortem on this election now has the title: “The Democrat Campaign, 2024: Preposterously and Stupidly Wrong.”)

That caused Lichtman to regress back to middle-school, where I’m guessing he spent a lot of time stuffed into a locker: “Don’t call me stupid! I admitted I was wrong.  I don’t need YOU to call me stupid!”  (But apparently he does, because the whole nation has been calling him stupid for two weeks, and it doesn’t seem to be sinking in yet.)

(Also, nice Fredo Corleone impression, Doc: “I’m not stupid.  Not like everybody says.  I’m smart, and I want respect!”)

Cenk then reminded us that he’s no genius either, telling Lichtman that “[he] needs a big glass of shut-up juice.”  Which sounded as moronic in real life as it reads on your screen. 

Lichtman then folded his arms and talked over Cenk, saying, “I will not stand for personal attacks, for blasphemy against me.”

And Cenk closed us out with the only logical reaction: “Blasphemy against you?  Who the hell are you, Jesus Christ?  You loser!”

I opened this column saying that I wouldn’t make fun of normal, mentally fragile people who freaked out about this election any more, and I want to stick to that.  But arrogant and credentialed elitists who can’t think their way out of a wet paper bag are fair game! 

When they’re not dropping F bombs in tweets like a drunken bar-fly, they’re denigrating Trump voters and proclaiming that anyone who disagrees with them is blaspheming against the great god Marx and all of his righteous disciples.

They deserve all the scorn we can heap upon them, and I can’t wait until January!

Hamas delenda est!

Good News out of Cali, Mika & Joe Beclown Themselves, & Josh Shapiro Hurts Himself (posted 11/20/24)

As we celebrate a fortnight since the election that may have saved America, more good news continues to ripple through the land, like aftershocks from the most pleasurable earthquake ever. 

For example, I’d overlooked the good election news out of California, which shouldn’t be that easy to do, since there’s generally not that much of it.  But it’s worth remembering that CA took a turn toward Trump, just as the other big blue states did, even though it makes for a good news/bad news story.

Over the last several decades, CA Dems had voted in a bunch of soft-on-crime numbskulls to carry out soft-on-crime policies, which was bad news.  Then they reaped what they had sown – spikes in shoplifting, car theft, robberies, assaults and other assorted violence – which was good news, since they got what they voted for… good and hard.

Then two weeks ago they partially reversed course, which is very good news.  Voters tossed out crime-enabling bonehead San Francisco mayor London Breed, as well as crime-embracing Soros puppet and cartoon villain LA District Attorney George Gascon, who lost by over 20 points.

Oakland’s Mayor Sheng Thao spent her time in office defying the stereotype that Asians are smart. News reports called her “a far-left progressive who just a few years back supported slashing the police budget, reimagining what policing should look like, and investing in unarmed ‘violence interrupters’.”

I love that term!  By “violence interrupters” she meant well-meaning social worker types, but Oakland residents probably knew them by a more common-sense term: “bullet-absorbing good-for-nothings.” 

(“Violence interrupter” would be a better name for a shotgun, or maybe a WWII bomber.  You point the former at a Biden voter who’s attacking you, or you fly the latter over Hiroshima – post-Pearl Harbor, Rape of Nanking and Bataan Death March – and boom!  Violence interrupted.)

Anyway, Sheng Thao got the heave ho on November 5th. 

So did Prop 47, the brilliant “Please Feel Free to Shoplift up to $950 Worth At a Time” law that Californians passed ten years ago.  On Tuesday they replaced that with Prop 36, the “Never Mind – Shoplifting’s Illegal Again” law. 

Sadly, my old home state of Illinois is still governed by J.B. Pritzker (D-irigible), and he’s not done with the stupidity yet.  A few days after Trump’s victory, Pritzker doubled down on his trans fanaticism.  He’s already required that boys who say they’re girls can play on girls’ sports teams and use their bathrooms, and he’s used Medicaid funding to pay for horrific gender surgeries on minors.

Most people are assuming that Trump will not allow Medicaid funds to continue being misused in that way.  However, even though Illinois is broke and getting broker, Governor Goodyear is declaring Illinois essentially a sanctuary state for gender-confused people looking to carve themselves up.  I’m guessing that he’ll be putting Illinois taxpayers on the hook for those surgeries from now on.

I’m no psychiatrist, but I will humbly suggest that it is much easier, psychologically speaking, for a governor to be okay with mentally distressed guys cutting off their junk if he has not seen his own junk in decades. 

#putdownthatgiantturkeyleg

#pushawayfromthetable

Meanwhile, lefty media types are roasting Morning Joe and Mika, after they went to Berchtesgaden – which Whoopi assures me is German for “Mar-a-Lago” – for a meeting with Trump.   

I don’t know if you all are history buffs, but not since the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact have I seen commies so eager to meet with a Nazi before.

Their decision to obsequiously seek an audience with Trump after they’ve spent years calling him a fascistic, dictatorial, Hitlerian, existential threat to America perfectly illustrates the bind that the leftists have put themselves in. 

They know he’s not Hitler.  But now he’s going to spend four years not just being NOT Hitler, but being a veritable un-Hitler.  In fact, he’ll be 99% less Hitler-y than Joe Biden and Obama and Merrick Garland and Imhotep Pelosi and most of the top Dems have been for the past 4-12 years.   

And boy, will that make the leftist elites look increasingly dishonest and/or hysterical!  Thankfully, the internet is forever, and we’ve got hundreds of hours of their apocalyptic posturing that we’ll be able to hang around their necks like a Pritzker-sized albatross with a Hitler mustache.     

Speaking of albatrosses around hypocritical Democrats’ necks – and how’s that for a seamless transition? – the creepy attempt to steal the Pennsylvania Senate seat should come back to haunt Josh Shapiro. 

Shapiro had been about the only Democrat who came through this Schiff-show of an election with his reputation untarnished.  Most of the others looked like either evil schemers (“Joe Biden is sharp as a tack, and Trump is Orange Hitler who called white supremacists ‘fine people’.”) or complete morons (“We’ve got a billion dollars, the public doesn’t care about inflation or the border, and every voter does what Queen Latifah and Bruce Springsteen tell them to!”)

But Shapiro had dodged a bullet by not being picked by the Cackler to be her partner on the political Hindenburg that was her campaign.  And he had the great advantage of being compared to Tampon Tim as Harris/Walz exploded and plunged to the ground. 

People said that Shapiro was popular in PA and would have won the state for Harris, and that he was smarter than Walz (duh!).  He also got some victim points – which is like bitcoin for leftists – because he’d been passed over because of anti-Semitism.

Overall, he had navigated the 2024 disaster and come out without a scratch.

Until now.  Because after the PA election was called for McCormick, Bob Casey went old-school Democrat, and started cheating with both hands and in plain sight.  When the vote count had clearly gone against him, he refused to concede.  (Remember when that was election denying, and treason, and disqualifying, and Not Who We Are?)

As things got more desperate, a panel of three Democrat officials openly admitted that they were counting illegitimate ballots – ones without signatures, dates or security envelopes, as the state’s laws clearly require – in blatant violation of a recent PA State Supreme Court ruling.    

One sleaze ball county commissioner said, in front of cameras, “I think we all know that precedent by a court doesn’t matter anymore in this country.  People violate laws anytime they want.  So, for me, if I violate this law, it’s because I want a court to pay attention.”

Democrat officials in several other counties went along with the same illegal strategy, and counted more illegal ballots.  The totals in the reports I read suggest that around 1,000 – 2,000 such ballots were involved.    

The optics of this cheating are obviously terrible for the Dems, especially since they impeached Trump – and Fani Willis has tried to jail him – for what they falsely claim is the exact type of cheating they are now doing, in broad daylight!     

And throughout all of this, Josh Shapiro has stood by silently, giving his tacit approval to Casey’s sordid machinations. 

Forget for the moment how morally wrong Shapiro’s behavior is, and consider how weapons-grade stupid it is!  Casey is trailing by around 26,000 votes, so there’s zero chance that there are enough illegal votes to change the outcome.  And it’s not like Casey’s seat would tip the balance in the Senate anyway!  It’s the 53rd GOP seat, and is therefore only marginally helpful.    

But beyond that, during such a long, nasty campaign, one of the few advantages the Dems had over Trump was that many voters thought they respect “our sacred democracy” more than Machiavellian Trump does.

And now Shapiro has squandered that by acting like a corrupt machine politician – an old-timey NYC Tammany Hall grifter, or a sleazy Chicago alderman winning with the cemetery vote! 

I’ve written before about the terrible bench the Dems have for the 2028 presidential race.  Everyone who ran in the 2020 primary is tainted. 

Mayor Pete disgraced himself with the maternity leave and train derailment; Bernie is 112 years old; Grandma Squanto is a laughingstock because of her vaudeville red-face routine (#wemustneverstopmockingher), and the rest were beaten by the ghost of Joe Biden.

Their governors (Hochul, Whitmer, Ken-Doll, Pritzker) are horrific, their senators are pathetic, and AOC has nothing going for her but a juicy booty (her words, not mine). 

The only nationally known Dem left standing on 11/6 was Josh Shapiro, and now he’s beclowned and besmirched himself.

How bad off are the Democrats today?  The first post-election poll of Dem voters asking who they’d support in 2028 came out yesterday.  Only 6 people made the list, and the bottom 5 only got between 4% – 8% each.

The clear front runner, at a dominating 41%?  I swear to you I am not making this up…

Kamala freaking Harris!

Now if you’ll excuse me, the dopamine and laughter are making me light-headed, so I have to lie down.       

Hamas delenda est!

More Dems Behaving Badly, & Questions About Trump’s Legal Options to Change the System (posted 11/18/24)

I’m not going to spend this entire column making fun of all of the lefties who are entertainingly distraught in this blessed post-election period, even though I definitely could.  Because there are so many of them. 

But I will start it that way!

Megan Rapinoe – the scowling, whining, America-hating, soccer player – is so upset that Trump won that she has sworn off heterosexual sex forever!  Which is pretty easy for her, since she is a lesbian. 

(It may also be pretty easy for her since all of the straight males on the planet – plus that guy who’s stuck on the space station until Elon can rescue him – had already told her, “NOPE!” before she went down Sapphic Street.)

(Worst children’s television program ever, by the way!) 

You may remember Rapinoe from that time when she was walking through soft grass in an unoccupied part of a soccer field, and somehow tore her ACL, ending her professional career, and simultaneously causing me to spit-take a mouthful of coffee all over my Wonder Dog when I read about it online. 

(Cassie was upset with me until I showed her the story.  But when she read it – yes, she’s a literate Aussie Shepherd – she snickered like Muttley in those old cartoons, and all was forgiven.)

Moanin’ Megan rationalized Trump’s victory by saying that it’s not surprising that Americans voted for him, since America “was founded on slavery and inequality.” 

Oooookay, Megan. But it could have been worse — at least we weren’t founded on soccer.

Speaking of unhappy white ladies, Grandma Squanto Warren (#wemustneverstopmockingher) is red in the face over Pete Hegseth’s being nominated for Sec Def.  She ignored his military experience and sneered that he is “a Fox & Friends weekend co-host.”  She also established her own military bona fides by claiming that, “All three of my brothers served in uniform.” 

First, knowing people who wore the uniform doesn’t make you a military expert.  Second, I wouldn’t brag that your brothers wore a loincloth, moccasins and a feathered head-dress, because while that may have been a “uniform,” it’s the one your people wore when they fought AGAINST our country, Liz!

The Translucent Tecumseh also trashed Trump’s other picks, including Elon and Vivek.  Hopefully someone from the transition team has told her that since our red wave trumps her (non) red skin, she can take her complaints, cram them in her powder horn and smoke them!

The election results continue to ripple through elitist lefty circles, causing financial as well as emotional distress.  Ratings throughout the legacy media are in free-fall, with waves of layoffs on the horizon at CNN, MSNBC and the networks. (“What will become of our heroic ‘truth to power speakers’?” cry their literally dozens of remaining viewers.)  

The upper echelons at the FBI are running around like headless chickens fearing the axe that they richly deserve, and the Pentagon is full of woke, armchair generals frantically trying to scrub their official media of all references to the DEI and CRT priorities that they’ve used to warp and weaken our military. 

Many despondent lefties have announced that they’re leaving X, including Don Lemon and Stephen King, while at the same time, some major advertisers are starting to return.

Speaking of trades that benefit our side, we really crushed it in the political cross-overs portal this time around!  We picked up Joe Rogan, Elon, Tulsi and RFK Jr., and we were able to dump Cryin’ Adam Kinzinger, Bill Kristol, David French, and several Cheney draft choices to be named later. 

In my evaluation of Trump’s early picks last week, I mentioned that Matt Gaetz is the only one I didn’t like.  But then I heard that when his AG nomination was announced, people in the CNN hallways were crying and hugging each other — which makes me wonder whether I’ve been too hasty.  But even if he doesn’t make it through confirmation, we’ll always have blubbering CNN staffers to thank him for!

Okay, let’s move on from lefties reaping the whirlwind – which makes me happy – to signals about Trump’s next moves, which make me even happier.  I’m so glad that Trump is actually going to try to use DOGE to eliminate government departments.  As a career academic, I LOVE that the Department of Education seems to be first on the chopping block.   

I know that there will be a lot of push-back, though.  Too many people have been conditioned to believe that cutting a department or its budget means harming whatever that department supposedly protects: cutting the EPA means our environment will be harmed; cutting OSHA will mean workers getting mangled; cutting Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms means that our children will be packing heat while chain-smoking and binge drinking.

Similarly, too many people will hear, “cut the Department of Education” and will think, “they’re cutting education!”  We will need a smart, disciplined educational push (ironically) to ease low-info voters’ minds about it. 

We can start by laying out the history – the Ed department wasn’t set up by George Washington in 1776, but by Jimmy Carter in 1979 – and then roll out the statistics.  I just did a little bit of research (it’s a cliché because it’s true: Simpsons are working dogs, not show dogs) and found the following info, which I suggest we use in a video presentation.

It should start with a slow, circling drone shot of a gigantic building, with a voice-over from Clint Eastwood: “This is the LBJ Department of Education Headquarters in Washington, DC.  It is 7 stories tall, and contains 643,000 square feet, but zero classrooms.  Of the 4,147 departmental employees, 2900 work in this building. None of them are classroom teachers.” 

“The average salary in the department is $137,881, which is almost 200% higher than the average American worker’s salary.  So the total salaries of those employees are over half a billion dollars a year, not counting benefits and pensions.  The tax dollars paid to the bureaucrats in this one building alone totals almost $400 million.”

Then we could go into the bigger picture.  Every state already has its own educational authority that is responsible to the state’s citizens.  The public has input and control over budgets, and what books can be bought and used, and whether there are charter, magnet or private schools, and homeschooling.  There are also county and local boards of education.  

If the parents in San Francisco want to spend CA taxpayers’ money on gay porn in the library and drag queen story hour, they can. If taxpayers in NYC want to take money away from standard English instruction and redirect it to teaching in Hmong and Urdu and 37 other languages, they can.  But if you live in a rational state, they shouldn’t dictate that to you.  And they don’t. 

So if we already have 50 states with state- and locally controlled schools, why do we need another layer of bureaucrats at the federal level?

The presentation could end with a variation on the excellent, “Are you better off now than you were 4 years ago?” gambit:

“Before Jimmy Carter, there was no federal department of education.  Back then, X percent of American kids could do math or read at grade level.  Now we spend 5X as much money as we did then, but X-minus-47% of American kids are performing at grade level.  Back then American kids ranked in the top 10 of all nations’ children.  Today we are 126th.  Our kids do worse than the Micronesians, the Macronesians, the Javanese, and the Guam-bats, all of whom spend an average of two chickens and a bag of brown rice per capita per annum on their children’s education.”

“Can we honestly say that our kids are getting a better education today than they were 50 years ago, or that we’re getting a good ROI for the billions we are spending?”

Then the lights could come up in a House conference room, where Jim Jordan and Josh Hawley would face a line-up of five edu-crats whose attendance was compelled by subpoenas.  You know what they’d look like: sweaty and shifty, with unnatural hair colors and multiple piercings, sitting behind name plates listing their worthless degrees, inflated titles, and idiotic pronouns (including “Huh?” and a shrug emoji).

None of them could make a cogent defense, and they’d all end up babbling about patriarchy and systemic racism and white nationalism.  And 89% of the public would approve the elimination of the federal Department of Education the following week.    

Finally, I’d love to see the new administration move on the following three ideas, and I am seriously requesting anybody in CO nation with legal or governmental experience to comment on whether and/or how these might be accomplished:

1. I’d like to see a strong push for national voting standards – for elections of president, senators and House members — including mandatory voter ID and election integrity safeguards, much more limited mail-in ballots, no more ballot harvesting or unsupervised drop boxes, etc.   Could that be done, and if so, would it require a constitutional amendment, or what?

2. I’d also like to see Trump use the power of the purse or federal law to end the practice of creating sanctuary cities or states.  Many blue states/cities are pledging to resist deportation efforts by ICE, and to shelter illegals.  Can they legally do that?  If so, could Trump and Congress impose financial sanctions on them – cutting off federal funds of various types (social services, education, welfare, etc.) until and unless the cities comply?  Could Congress go through the courts (up to the SCOTUS) to force compliance, or would it take a constitutional amendment?

3. I’d also love to see birthright citizenship ended.  I know that this one is probably a pipe dream, but I think it would be popular, especially after the last 4 years of outrageously open borders. 

My understanding is that automatic birthright citizenship was pretty much assumed in our country’s first century, for logical reasons: we occupied an enormous continent, and growing our small population was an important goal, so anyone born here was automatically granted citizenship. 

After the Civil War, the 14th amendment formally granted birthright citizenship to those born here as a way to ensure that former slaves would automatically be citizens.  But there were always exceptions, such as that children born on US soil to diplomats from other countries were not given citizenship. 

Especially in the last 50 years or so, as we’ve had a growing number of illegal immigrants – and a profligate welfare system that incentivizes them – it seems increasingly stupid for us to continue to grant birthright citizenship to anyone born to people who are here illegally.  That’s obviously drawn pregnant illegals to cross the border and give birth to “anchor babies,” who are then used to bring over whole families through chain migration. 

That practice also gives the opportunity to bad-faith lefties like AOC et. al. to wail about “family separation” that would result if we deported the illegal parents while allowing the citizen/infants to stay.  Common sense would suggest that we end the practice, thus removing a huge incentive for illegals to risk coming here during late pregnancy.

Does anyone in CO nation know whether or how we could attempt to end birthright citizenship? 

Even though I’m only a lowly Roving Correspondent, can I suggest that CO could put up a post on these last 3 topics to start the discussion for anyone who is interested?     

Hamas delenda est!

The Dems Face a Dilemma, & I React to Trump’s Picks (posted 11/15/24)

I’m finishing up this five-column week – yes, in case you missed it, I posted a new column yesterday afternoon – with a few thoughts on three subjects: the early indicators that the Dems aren’t learning their lesson; the many positive signs for a strong start to Trump’s upcoming term, and a quick reaction to Trump’s personnel picks so far.

After the whipping the Democrats just took, they are in disarray.  The power in their party still seems to belong to the extremists, who are dead-set on mis-interpreting why they lost.  They look at data showing that Trump won more women and minorities than any GOP candidate ever, and that almost every state – and every major blue city! – moved toward him in the election, and they see… wait for it… sexism, racism and bigotry everywhere!

They are incapable of looking into a mirror, or considering that they might be wrong about anything.  Their central messages were widely rejected from coast to coast, but they conclude that they just weren’t able to get their messages out!

Which means that they are likely to have a bloody internal war in the near future, and just like a hiring decision between two excellent Vietnamese candidates, it’s going to be a Nguyen-Nguyen situation for us.  (Boom!  Terrible dad joke when you least expected it!)

If the delusional radicals win, their party will go even farther left, and get stomped in the next several election cycles.  But if the few moderates/centrists they still have come out on top, the country will benefit from having two sane parties again.

On our side, I’m thrilled that Trump’s win demonstrates that we’ve learned the lessons of 2020 in ways that have set us up well for future cycles.  Charlie Kirk and others chased ballots, encouraged early voting, and used podcasts and smart social media to circumvent and further erode the power of the dying, hysterical MSM.  (Sure, some of that succeeded because of how existentially awful Que Mala was.  But still.)  We also had lawyers and observers everywhere, and were able to greatly curtail the amount of Dem cheating.

One other looming advantage for us is the change in the electoral college that is almost certainly coming after the 2030 census.  Between correcting for errors in the 2020 census, and the continuing trend of migration from blue states to red ones, we’ll likely have around 10 more electoral college votes assigned to red states from blue ones starting in 2032.  (If those had been in place last week, Trump could have lost MI, WI and PA and STILL won with 278 electoral college votes!)   

Trump is also benefiting from the experience of 2016-2020.  I think that even he was a little surprised to win in 2016, and without prior political experience and connections, he was slow to staff up, and the Dems effectively conspired to slow him down and hamstring him with investigations, the Russia hoax, etc.

This time he’s got a stronger team around him, he knows what to look out for, and we’re hitting the ground running.  He made a lot of bad personnel picks last time, but so far every pick he’s made – starting with JD instead of Pence! – is a clear improvement over the first term.

My favorites so far are Homan as Border Czar (about whom more in a minute), Elon and Vivek at the new DOGE, and Marco as Sec State.  I didn’t know anything about Susie Wiles a week ago, but I’ve read up on her, and I like everything I’m seeing. 

I also don’t know enough about Stefanik, Hegseth, or Mike Waltz to have a strong opinion, though what I know is positive.   I like Lee Zelden a lot.  I’ve got some questions about RFK Jr. and Tulsi, and am not happy with Gaetz.

I love Homan for the border, though!  You might recognize him from when he was Dennis Franz on NYPD Blue, or possibly Michael Chiklis on The Shield.  He’s got the best attributes of a gruff NYC cop, including an aggressive, tolerate-no-BS demeanor.

If you haven’t seen it yet, you should watch AOC and Pramila Jayapal trying to question him before congress.  In both instances they recreate the stories you see every so often when some dimwit jumps into a tiger enclosure in a zoo and ends up getting pummeled like they were on a date with Doug Emhoff.  (I love the part where zoo officials yank them out, usually with all of their limbs, most of their blood and half of their clothes.) 

I’m hoping that Elon is using Starlink to beam video of Homan’s congressional testimony – with appropriate local subtitles – into every country from which illegals are coming.  He’s got to be worth about a third of a border wall by himself!

I’m generally okay with RFK Jr., pending how he does during confirmation and on the job.  I know he’s been labeled anti-vax (in general, not just re: covid) and kind of kooky.  But I think he brings a needed skepticism (if not antipathy!) to the medical establishment that, if kept disciplined, will be a useful corrective to the Fauci-esque arrogance and corruption.  I’m not thrilled that he was a lifelong Dem until 10 minutes ago (like Tulsi), though he was helpful to us in the election, and if his repudiation of the Dems is authentic, I’m all for welcoming people from the other side who wise up and come over, to sin no more.

Tulsi has impressed me this last year – she’s smart, her military background and love of country are obvious plusses, and leaving the Dem party (after demolishing Que Mala in the 2019 Dem primaries) was a service to the nation.  She appears to have really gotten her mind right lately.

On the other hand, she too was a life-long Dem, and that’s always going to be worrisome to me.  Ideally, our big appointments would have a long record of demonstrated conservatism behind them.  (On the other hand, I was worried about Trump in 2016 for similar reasons: he was a life-long pro-choice Democrat, had worked hand-in-glove with the sleazy NY leftist/Dem power structure for decades, etc.  But he’s obviously come around, so I think Tulsi has that possibility too.)  So I guess I’m cautiously optimistic about her, just like RFK.

I don’t like Gaetz though.  He acted like a selfish attention-seeker in the GOP house wars, IMHO, and I was not convinced by his argument that he went after McCarthy out of conservative principle rather than personal rivalry and spite.   His defenders will say that McCarthy was a RINO traitor and deserved his over-throw, and I would agree that he wasn’t conservative enough for me.  (But neither is almost anyone, including Trump, Gaetz, most of the GOP House and Senate, etc.)

On the other hand, Trump supported McCarthy for Speaker, so if you’re a consistent always-Trumper, I think that means that Gaetz is a RINO too.  (I think that’s the transitive property in action, but I was never that good at math.)  And the fact that Gaetz (and his handful of unimpressive backers) scuttled McCarthy by siding with all of the terrible Dems in congress was not great.  (As a general principle, I’ve always believed that if you ever find yourself being cheered by Ilhan Omar, AOC, Rashida Talib, Hakeem Jeffries et. al., you’ve taken a very wrong turn in life.)

And that he did so while having no plan for a more conservative replacement – who, as it turned out, doesn’t seem to have existed – was very dumb, and self-destructive to our cause.

It’s also a red flag for me that he quit the House one day before they were to release a report on the sex allegations against him, apparently in an attempt to keep that report under wraps.  Don’t get me wrong: any report or investigation that was put together by the corrupt Dems is NOT dispositive to me.  I don’t trust them, and I’d like to hear the evidence, and Gaetz’s side of the story.

By the same token, I expect much better (and a higher standard) from our side than the Dems have held themselves to.  I think it would probably be smart to air that report and allow Gaetz to defend himself against it as part of his confirmation hearings.  (If it looks like BS, I’d love to see us confirm him, just as a groin-kick to the Democrats!)

Last, and least importantly, Gaetz has a SFPI (Simpson Face Punchability Index™) of 8.8.  So that’s not good. 

Overall, I think that Trump deserves his picks, and it looks like he’s off to a very good start, but at this point Gaetz feels like an unforced error to me.

Finally, even before the news came out that Bob Casey is trying to cheat to win the Senate seat he just lost to Dave McCormick – and how sweet is it that we’re on top of it, and suing and ready to expose that corruption to the whole country! – I love it that Casey wouldn’t give up.

Remember back to last Monday, when refusing to concede an election was treason, and a disqualifying attack on our sacred democracy which merited a long jail sentence, if not execution? 

I do.  But just barely.  Because every time I start to remember it, I’m hit with another incoming wave of dopamine as I lie on a metaphorical beach with my MAGA hat down over my eyes to protect them from the dazzling sunlight of a glorious dawning of four years of American recovery. 

But I haven’t forgotten about the Dems completely.  Because as the old 80s song said, “The future’s so bright, I’ve got to throw shade!” 

I think I’ve got that lyric right, but between the bourbon and the dopamine, who knows?

Have a great weekend everybody! 

Hamas delenda est!

Three Categories of Dems Suffering After the Election (posted 11/13/24)

As I am writing this, it has been exactly one week to the hour since the Trumpzilla stomped through the battleground states, crushing the pollsters beneath his mighty orange feet, scattering the he/shes and the Whoopies and the Joys, and trampling out the vintage where the shenanigans and graft were stored! 

Yes, the dopamine is still rolling through my veins, like the terrifying bouillabaisse of STDs in Bill Clinton’s!

So naturally, the soundtrack for today’s column is the manic “One Week,” from the pop band Barenaked Ladies.  If you haven’t heard it, you should listen now.  It’s an upbeat sprint with machine-gun-fast lyrics, a few of which fit perfectly with this glorious election.

I’m thinking specifically of the chorus, which I will subtly tweak here: 

“How can I help it if I think you’re funny when you’re mad?

Trying hard not to smile, though I don’t feel bad.

I’m the kind of guy who laughs at leftist funerals,

Can’t understand what I mean?  You soon will.

You came in cocky, with a hate-filled mania,

But I just heard that Donald Trump took Pennsylvania!”

If any of you in CO nation feel the creative juices flowing, feel free to tweak some of the lyrics and put them in the comments.  Here’s one more example, from the start of the fifth verse:

“Top commie Xi feels like a Chinese chicken,

Wants to take Taiwan but now the clock is tickin’

Thought he’d be okay with Harris in there,

‘cause there’s no there there,

But now it’s Trump and that’s a problem.”

Okay, enough frivolity.  In my next column I’m going to cover some of the good news that is coming out of the Trump camp, and which bodes well for the next four years.  But I’m not quite done with celebrating the obnoxiousness of the frustrated lefties and the fits they are still throwing about the election.

I’ve grouped these into three categories.  The first is the sad-sack, street-level Democrat foot soldiers.  They believed all the lies and propaganda they’ve been fed, and I actually feel sorry for them.  Most of them seem to have either had a rough childhood, or else they’ve been spoiled rotten, or they’ve been raised by some really sub-par, politically poisonous parents. 

I’m holding out hope that some in this category can still turn things around for themselves, if they can just accept and learn the lessons from the beating that reality just gave them last week.      

Perhaps the best examples of these are the far-left gender feminists who recorded hysterical videos and shaved their heads in protest of Trump’s election.  If I could just talk to them, face-to-face, I think I could explain the hilarious yet painful reality they’re going to face between now and the middle of February or so.  I would say something like this…

You’ve bought into the ginned-up hyperbole in media, Democrat and academic circles that Trump’s supporters are a threatening patriarchal army of storm troopers, and you’re the brave resistance, fighting the good fight from your romanticized underground.  You really believed that they are going to be coming for you, kicking in doors and dragging you off, forcing you into those idiotic Handmaid Tale outfits and breeding you against your will.

And now you’re going to spend the next two months commiserating with other paranoid lefties, re-shaving your head and putting on 25 pounds from binge/grief eating and preparing for the lowering of the Orange Curtain (so much worse than the Iron Curtain of your socialist co-religionists!) over your imagined Amerikka.

And then, a couple weeks after the inauguration, you’ll discover that no one has come for you.  You shaved your head, quit your job at the vegan bookstore, got a few more piercings and a Planned Parenthood solidarity tattoo on your right butt cheek, stopped paying the rent on your apartment (since you’ll soon be in a camp) and braced yourself for the ominous knock at your door. 

But nobody came.  Not on the first day of “Trump II: the Re-Trumpening.”  Not during the first or second week.   

And then you’ll stagger out into the street, bloated and bleary-eyed from crying yourself to sleep, blinking in the sunlight and running your hand over the ugly stubble on your stupidly shaved head.

And you’ll see happy and optimistic citizens, walking around with purpose as they begin to enjoy a newly liberated America, with an economy that’s picking up and civil rights that are being protected.  As if it were morning in America again. 

Because it is!

And it will start to dawn on you: We don’t hate you.  We don’t even know you.  Your angry social media manifestos and your slam poetry meant to overturn the capitalist system has had no impact, other than making you unnecessarily miserable.

The patriarchy isn’t afraid of you, or obsessed with controlling you.  It doesn’t care about you one way or the other, because it’s not really a thing.   You’re not a member of an exciting, transgressive new gender, because there are still only the two.    

You’re just a gullible goofball who fell for the lies of the most hateful, oppressive grifters to appear in America since the Democrat slaveholders were defeated by Lincoln and his Republican armies in the 1860s.

If you can accept that realization, and get through the shame, and repent – renouncing the leftist devils and all of their evil ways – we’d love to have you join us as we do our best to undo the damage of the last four years.        

(By the way, on your imbecilic charge of GOP “Nazism”, I am begging you to read just a little bit of history.  The acronym “Nazi” refers to a party of “German socialist workers.”  Hitler opposed international socialism NOT because he was a conservative/right-winger, but because he was a xenophobe who wanted a German NATIONAL socialism.  Do you see the through-line there?  Hitler vs. Stalin was a socialist-on-socialist battle royale.)

The second category is the professional class: organizers, bureaucrats and academics.  You may have seen the best example of this group: the video put up by a lefty woman named Arlene at 5:00 on election day.  Search for it under “Dr. Arlene Political Analyst.”

She laughs and smirks her way through telling the story of a lowly store clerk she encountered that day, when she was buying champagne to celebrate Kamala’s certain win that night.  When the clerk looked skeptical, Arlene explained to him – in 180-proof condescension – that Kamala was definitely going to win.

It all comes down to “reproductive rights” you see, and the abortion-loving women of America were going to dominate the ballot box.  In fact, Que Mala was going to sweep all 7 battleground states, plus Iowa!  When the poor male dullard still seemed skeptical, she said, “I’m a political analyst, and I’m telling you right now, she’s winning this election.”

Then she rubbed it in: “You do realize that you’ve wasted your vote, right?”  And then she cackled more obnoxiously than Kamala, which I wouldn’t have believed possible. 

If you watch the video, don’t forget to watch the sequel, which she recorded after Trump stomped Kamala.  Because her reaction is chef’s-kiss perfect.  The cackle and smirking are gone, but she has figured out why her flawless prediction was off. “There is one fundamental thing that you cannot account for when you are using data to predict the outcome of an election.  You can’t factor in the impact of racism and misogyny.” 

Unexpectedly!

I am afraid that there is less hope for this woman and the others in her category, because once you’ve acquired advanced degrees and achieved this level of narcissistic arrogance, it’s going to take a planetary extinction-level event to have any chance of piercing the reinforced shell of your immense self-regard with even a tiny bit of reality.

(By the way, this woman temporarily broke the SFPI© (Simpson Face Punchability Index).  The maximum score possible should be a perfect 10, but when I entered this video, the reading was 12.5.  I’ve got my engineering team working on the problem, but so far it seems like the extreme level of smugness overwhelmed the Index.)

The third and most rarified category of wrong-headed lefty is made up of the top of the pyramid, those who hold the most respected positions at the top of our supposedly elite cultural institutions.

The archetypal example here is the august membership of the NY Times Editorial Board.  This crazy cabal put out a 10-minute video last week entitled, “The Worst Version of a Trump Administration,” and it’s as wildly and irrationally apocalyptic as any of the crying leftist mental-patient TikTok videos. 

Each genius recorded his or her doomsday predictions, which are presented sequentially.  And each one is more unhinged than the last.  One white lady with a schoolmarm vibe warns that Trump will send troops into “neighborhoods like my own to round up undocumented immigrants… and set up a network of camps.” 

One of them solemnly fears his promise “to become a dictator on day 1.”  Another one says, with a straight face, that Trump might bomb Mexico. 

Something called “M. Gessen” – birth name “Masha,” but a non-binary “they/them” who is either a very homely woman, or a very frail and still homely man – says Trump will essentially destroy our institutions.  (On second glance, it/they appears to have a beard, but it’s the thinnest, wispiest beard imaginable, and seems to whisper “see what taking male hormones can do?”  So your guess is as good – and as gross – as mine.)

Charles “Boy Does He” Blow says that Trump’s policies are “democracy ending.”

Again, these are not the kind of rando-s you might expect to see on a “womyn’s TikTok forum,” or the lost and wandering souls milling around outside a methadone clinic.  They are the editorial board of the NEW YORK FREAKING TIMES!!

These are the people who generate and disseminate the paranoid fantasies that filter down to the professional category – providing them with the building materials for their arrogant self-image – and down to the foot-soldier category, trapping them in their unsophisticated, self-imposed misery.

I picture a carved sign over the NYT boardroom reading, “Abandon all Hope, Ye Who Enter Here,” because there must be a special place in hell for those who do this much damage to their society. 

I am almost convinced that they have to know that the cartoonish depiction of the unspeakable horrors of the coming Trump term is false.  How could they not? 

But then if they do know, how can they record this idiocy, knowing that they’re going to be exposed as either liars or fools?  This isn’t like global warming doomsday scenarios, when people saying America will be underwater in a century will be long dead before their predictions are disproved. 

These people will still be here in four years (with the possible exception of M. Gessen, who does not look well) when their paranoid fantasies will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are morons.

Let’s all save that video, and meet back here right before Christmas of 2028, when we can drink to the memories of P-Nut the Squirrel, Fred the Raccoon, and the disgraced members of the NYT Editorial Board.

Hamas delenda est!