The Democrats have been addicted to racism for a long time.
No, I’m not talking about the way they built their entire economy around slavery, clinging to it like grim death until the Republicans formed a new party, elected a new president, and sent an army south – eventually commanded by a bad-arse future GOP president – to whip them and free their slaves.
And I’m not even talking about the way they stewed about that, formed the KKK and passed a raft of Jim Crow laws that they clung to like grim death for around 80 more years, until another GOP president sent the 101st Airborne to Little Rock to allow 9 black kids to go to a previously segregated high school. (“I like Ike. My bike likes Ike!”)
(“Let’s try A. Fonzarelli quotes for $200, Alex.”)
Nope. I’m talking about the way the Dems have somehow – against all reason, logic and fairness – been able to project their own sins onto the GOP, and cudgel them with charges of racism for the last half-century or so. Racism became the Dems’ first plan of attack, their Plan B, their Hail Mary, and their best defense.
You couldn’t point out that Obama doubled the national debt in 8 years because math is racist. You couldn’t point out that Jamaal Bowman obstructed a congressional vote by yanking a fire alarm, because fire suppression systems are racist.
You couldn’t point out that Que Mala could not excrete a sentence with a recognizable subject verb and object, because many African cultures have a rich traditional heritage of practicing ojibah-ahwoo-gawaymee. Which is Swahili for “word salad.”
And before you can look that up, I have to warn you that fact checking is racist!
Which brings me back to my initial point: the Democrats have become addicted to racism. And I’ll bet you can guess how they’ve been clinging to it.
That’s right: like grim death.
But as with most addictions, what once used to bring pleasure can start to go sideways.
Maybe a guy used to enjoy a little bourbon – the brownest of the brown liquors – every now and again. Like to celebrate special occasions, or to cope with a virulent strain of poison ivy that would kill a lesser man. Or maybe to loosen the adhesions a bit when he’s sitting down to write a bit of deathless, comic political prose.
Well I’m not talking about that. Because that’s some high-functioning, medicinal-quality self-care right there. And I didn’t produce four insightful yet hilarious columns in just the last week, only to be told that I can’t imbibe in a little Kentucky inspiration in my own home!!
Perhaps I’ve said too much. But let’s not get sidetracked.
The Dems’ racism problem is the classical addict’s dilemma: as their dependency grew, they needed more and more racism, just to keep it together, and the supply could not keep up with their demand. And now it’s interfering with their job, their quality of life, and their electoral performance.
They’ve become so delusional that they look at a minimally racist country and see prejudice everywhere. They’re like an anorexic looking into a mirror at her xylophone ribcage and instead seeing a Whoopi Goldberg-esque blob.
They don’t recognize how off-putting it is to claim that voter ID laws are racist, because black people could not possibly get an ID, like a normal person. Or that DEI and quotas are essential, because without them no black person would ever be able to get into college or the job market again.
Even when they try to pose as anti-racist in contexts that involve other ethnicities, they screw that up. Liz Warren has made herself a national punchline by insisting that she’s as Indian as Sitting Bull, when anyone can see that she’s as Indian as Bull Conner. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
But my favorite recent example has surfaced as the Dems’ covid origins lies have been exposed. When Trump – and many, many others – suggested that the virus escaped from a Chinese lab where viruses were studied and experimented with, DC Democrats got their backs up immediately: “Are you suggesting that Chinese researchers and scientists could have been dropped the ball in the lab? That’s RACIST!!”
So what was their enlightened, diversity-embracing, anti-racist alternative to the Chicom-phobic lab-leak theory? Drum-roll, please…
The Chinese people are basically a cross between Gollum, Ozzy Osbourne, and carnival geeks, furtively stalking through grisly “wet markets” wolfing down every pangolin, muskrat and ocelot they could get their bestial claws on.
That sounds nice, doesn’t it?
Okay, I’m no ocelotologist – it was between that and English, and I chose what turned out to be the less lucrative field – so I don’t know if China is rich in ocelots. But if the enlightened Dems are correct, the voracious untermenschen Chinese probably gobbled them all up long ago.
Come to think of it, that’s probably why the wooly mammoths are extinct. “Siri, please explain the connection between disgusting Chinese dietary habits and the extinction of the mammoth?”
Annnnddd… that’s why the Chinese can’t have nice things, like sabre tooth tigers, mammoths, and pet pangolins. Because of their unspeakably barbaric gustatory predilections.
So to summarize, here is the Democrats’ position:
The hypothesis that Chinese scientists followed insufficiently rigorous containment protocols? Horribly, horribly racist.
The idea that Chinese people are essentially troglodytic creatures fighting in a muddy moshpit over the chance to devour baskets full of squealing critters alive as if they were living chum thrown to Hannibal Lecter’s bloodthirsty hogs?
Obviously true, and you’re welcome, inscrutable Asian friends.
Nice job, non-racist-stereotyping leftists!
Speaking of leftists eating their own… did you hear that Ben and Jerry’s CEO just got fired for being too much of an extreme leftist whack job?
(Thank you, Kentucky distillers, for that top-notch transition!)
I know: that sounds like the setup for a joke. Getting fired from Mao and Jerry’s – I would also accept “Ben and Lenin’s” – for being too far left is like getting kicked out of the Sex Pistols for extreme rudeness.
But Ben and Jerry sold their crunchy little business to corporate giant Unilever a few decades ago – way to rebel against the Man, you hippy hypocrites! – and like sane businesses everywhere, Unilever prefers not to lose money.
Enter B&J CEO David Stever, a leftist who chafes at having to consider customer preferences when there is social justice virtue signaling to be done. He and his supporters have had several run-ins with Unilever because of his hostility to Israel and soft spot for “Palestinians.”
(Unilever’s first clue should have been when the wokesters introduced “Jihadi Crunch,” “Cookies and IED,” and Hamas-cicles.)
They’ve also aligned themselves with lefty activist groups, put out a Fourth of July message that declared that the US was “founded on stolen indigenous land,” and supported Kamala for president.
The last straw was apparently a recent social media post celebrating – and I swear I am not making this up – “National Abortion Providers Appreciation Day.”
I would have loved to eavesdrop on the meeting that took place between a few adults from Unilever and the Social Justice Warrior Hippies after that post went viral:
Unilever Adult 1 (UA1): Why the hell would you post about National Abortionist Day?!
SJW Hippie (SJWH) 1: Do you think it’s gotten too commercial?
SJWH 2: It’s about appreciation.
UA2: Yeah, appreciating abortionists!
SJWH 1: Should we have said “health care providers?”
UA1 (palming his forehead): What do you think we sell?
SJWH 2: Raised consciousness.
SJWH 3: Our truth.
SJWH1: Moral superiority.
UA 1: We sell ICE CREAM!
SJWHs (chastened): Of course. Ice cream.
SJWH 4: I was going to say that.
SJWH 2: Shut up, Bruce. (quietly) Brown noser.
UA 1: And who do abortionists kill?
SJWH 1 (hesitantly): I don’t like the word “kill.”
UA 2: I don’t care! Who do they kill?!
SJWH 1: Unwanted tissue masses?
SJWH 2: Part of a woman’s body?
SJWH 3: Zygotes?
UA 1 (rubbing his temples): I don’t want the answer your grievance study professors gave you. I want the real answer.
SJWH 1 (fidgeting): I’m feeling triggered right n-
UA 1 (in a low, ominous tone): If you don’t give me the real answer, I’m going to drop a dime to Hulk Homan™ about the USAID grant you spent on smuggling in those illegals for your Pride Week S&M Festival last y-
SJWHs 1-4: KIDS! Abortionists kill kids!
UA 1: That’s right. And who LOVES eating ice cream?
SJWH 4 (looking at the others): Martin Simpson?
UA 1: That’s right, it’s ki– Wait, what? Who is Martin Simpson?
SJWH 4: Hilarious genius, national treasure, writes for Cautious Optimism?
SJWH 2: Has a real problem with ice cream. Loves the stuff.
SJWH 3: That and bourbon.
UA 2: How do you– Nevermind. Why would I ask you about his eating habits?
SJWH 3 (looking at the others and shrugging): No idea.
SJWH 4: Yeah, I wondered where you were going with that.
UA 1: Shut up, Bruce! I wasn’t going anywhere wi– Look, the point is, KIDS love eating ice cream. And abortionists kill kids. Do you get that?
SJWH 1: Yeah… So?
UA 1: SO STOP POSTING ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU APPRECIATE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE KILLING OUR CUSTOMERS!! YOU MORONS!
SJWH 4 (bursting into tears): I’m triggered! I’m triggered!
UA 1: Shut up, Bruce! You’re fired! You’re all fired!!
SJWH 2: You can’t do that.
UA 1: I just did!
SJWH 3: We’ll see what the judge has to say about that.
UA 1: What? What are you talking about?
SJWH 1: Maybe you haven’t heard. But Judge Boasberg is now in charge of all firing in the United States.
SJWH 2: Yeah! He’ll make you give us all our jobs back.
UA 1 (diving over the table and grabbing SJWH 1’s throat): Arrgggghhhh!
SJWH 4: You’re invading his personal space! INAPPROPRIATE!
Everyone in the room: Shut up, Bruce!!
And, scene.
Hamas delenda est.
Martin Simpson 