Well, it’s been another eventful week, full of highs and lows.
On a high note, Tucker Carlson ran a graphic from one year ago this week that warmed my heart: “The New York Times reports that Hillary has a 93% chance of winning the election in a couple of weeks, compared to Trump’s 7% chance.”
I’ll never get tired of that.
On another high note, my favorite story of the week involves the subject of a one-question quiz:
Question: Who or what is “Wunk Sheek?”
- A famous Klingon warlord
- The sound Hillary made last September when she collapsed against a waiting limo and then slid down its side until aides caught her.
- The latest Malaysian model/actress to claim that Harvey Weinstein groped her.
- An “indigenous student group” at the University of Wisconsin.
The answer, of course, is “D,” you ignorant, Eurocentric jerk.
It seems that the Wunk Sheekers were at their excited, Wunk Sheekiest during a recent protest of Columbus Day. I mean, Indigenous Peoples Day.
And somehow, because history is apparently not their strong suit, they directed some of their ire at Abraham Lincoln. Who I guess co-discovered the New World, spread small pox among the angelic natives, and took tobacco and syphilis back to his native Italy on his ships, the Nina, the Pinta and the Mary Todd?
Anyway, a Wunk Sheek spokesperson, who identifies as “Misha” – and your guess re: pronouns for this one is as good as mine – said the following, which I am not making up: “Everyone thinks of Lincoln as the great, you know, freer of slaves, but let’s be real: He owned slaves….”
Um, no. If you want to be real, Misha, you’re going to have to pull your wunk out of your sheek, and open a history book, where you’ll find that Lincoln was a Republican who not only did not own slaves, but actually did free them.
There was a party, though, that did fight to keep slavery, and then created the Klan and Jim Crow and poll taxes and Robert Byrd. Can you guess which party that was, Misha? I’ll give you one hint: its founder was Andrew Jackson.
And before you Google him, let me pass along a trigger warning: he was not an enthusiastic supporter of Indigenous People’s Day.
On a low note, it turns out that Kid Rock is NOT going to be running for Senate.
I know what you’re thinking: “Martin, you’re a connoisseur of the fine arts, and a devotee of classical music, with impeccable taste when it comes all that is noble and edifying. Also a handsome, and a powerful man. We don’t see you as a typical Kid Rock fan.”
You would be right – and also an insightful judge of people. But as much as I am not a fan of rap, I would be up for a Kid Rock vs. Frederica Wilson contest in Florida’s 24th Congressional District. Sure, his lyrics might not be deathless prose, but I’d stack them up against the unhinged mewlings of national embarrassment Wilson.
Move over Cole Porter, and stand back, Gershwins. Make way for the aesthetic bliss of the opening lines of “Bawitdaba.”
To wit: “Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy/ Diggy, said the boogie, said up jump the boogie.”
Okay, now that I typed that out, it’s not so impressive. However, put it next to this gem from Wilson, which I quoted last week: “The dog can bark at the moon all night long. But it doesn’t become an issue until the moon barks back.”
That’s just as stupid, and it doesn’t even rhyme! (And yes, I know that “boogie” doesn’t exactly rhyme with “diggy.” But it’s fairly close, and not nearly as rhetorically unsatisfying as a moon that barks at a dog.)
Or consider this get-out-the-vote appeal to her political base, from Frederica’s last campaign speech: “I need all of your votes, including The G’s with the 40’s and the chicks with beepers/The northern lights and the Southern Comfort/ And it don’t even matter if your veins are punctured/All the crackheads, the critics, the cynics/And all my heroes at the methadone clinics… not to mention all my homies in cell block 6.”
No, wait. Those are more lyrics from Bawitdaba. Although they are also an eerily accurate description of Wilson’s core voters.
Anyway, the point is that I would gladly vote for Kid Rock over Wilson.
Or Pink Floyd’s Roger Waters over Maxine Waters.
Or Rush’s Geddy Lee (and he’s Canadian!) over Sheila Jackson Lee.
Or Bela Lugosi (and he’s dead) over Nancy Pelosi (full disclosure: she may be dead, too).
Or Cassie “the Wonder Dog” Simpson over any Democrat, and half the Republicans.
On another low note, how about that Harvey Weinstein?
Democratic bundler, friend of Bill and Hill, supporter of feminist causes, admired staple at Hollywood dinners, fundraisers and award shows. Also, horrific sexual predator whom none of our moral superiors in Hollywood could bother themselves to criticize or expose for three decades.
One bright side of the Weinstein scandal is that I now have a new favorite oxymoron: “open secret.”
As in, “it’s been an open secret for years that Harvey bullies every man and assaults every woman who crosses his path.” And yet Hillary was shocked – SHOCKED! – to find that Harvey was less than a perfect gentleman.
For a super-brainy woman who once had a 93% chance of being elected president (that never gets old!), she certainly seems to find herself getting shocked by the antics of sexual predators around her a lot.
What might be the most incomprehensible part of the whole sordid story is how bad Weinstein was at being a pervert. He had some of the most beautiful women in the world under his control… and he made THEM watch HIM shower?!
I don’t even like to watch myself shower, and I’ve got the body of a Greek god, honed by years of marathons and javelin-throwing to near-perfection. Whereas Harvey looks like a troll mated with a gnome and had a baby, who then adopted a horrible diet and let himself go. But he’s insisting that the gorgeous starlets in his hotel suite keep their clothes on and watch while he shampoos his back hair.
Ugh. Please, Jimmy Kimmel et al, tell us more about how we are all deplorables who need your wise counsel on how to live moral lives!
Speaking of deplorable, when I wrote about Frederica “Half-gallon brain in a 10-gallon hat” Wilson last week, I hadn’t yet noticed what may well have been her most revealing comment – her crowing that, “Niger is going to be Trump’s Benghazi.”
Obviously, the Rhinestone Cowgirl is not smart enough to realize the implication of what she was saying. Because for the last few years, her party has been insisting that Benghazi was not “Benghazi,” i.e. it was not a scandal at all.
It was an unforeseeable tragedy, caused by a horribly offensive video, which enraged a bunch of otherwise peace-loving Muslim passers-by – who happened to be carrying small arms and rocket propelled grenades, as one does during one’s evening walks — to the extent that they spontaneously launched a spontaneous hours-long attack on a US embassy, culminating in four spontaneous murders.
When she was finally called before a congressional committee to explain, Hillary morphed into the mob guy in Goodfellas, explaining to DeNiro that Pesci got whacked instead of getting made:
Congressional Questioner: “What happened to Ambassador Stevens? Did you get that straightened out?”
Hillary: “Well, we had a problem. And ah… we tried to do everything we could.”
Questioner: “What do you mean?
Hillary: “You know what I mean. He’s gone. And we couldn’t do nothing about it.”
Questioner: “But isn’t it true that Stevens sent repeated requests for more military support?”
Hillary: “Look, there was this video. And there was nothing we could do. He’s gone. And that’s it.”
And now along comes Annie Oakley Wilson, saying that the non-scandalous tragedy in Niger is going to be Trump’s version of Hillary’s scandal in Benghazi, which Wilson’s party has insisted for years was not a scandal.
Once again – nice job, Democrat voters of Florida’s 24th district.