My thesis today is that people are idiots.
No, wait. Hear me out. I mean, not me, obviously. And not you, if you are a CO follower and thus a person of taste and class and impeccable table manners.
But pretty much everyone else.
Exhibit A. Houston councilwoman Kellye Burke. This upstanding citizen shares a last name with conservative genius of yesteryear Edmund Burke, so I’m predisposed to like her. But it turns out that her last name is absolutely the only thing she shares with Burke. For example, she spells her first name with a comically misplaced “e.”
Now maybe we shouldn’t judge her for that, because her parents might have stuck her with that spelling. But she could have changed it. “Kelly” is a fine name. Kelly is the kind of girl who’s a lot of fun on a first date, and she smells nice, and she kisses you for just long enough when you’re dropping her off, and a few months later you take her home to meet mom and dad.
“Kellye,” on the other hand? As soon as she gets off the main stage, she’ll be going to the Champagne Room, where you can buy her a watered-down drink for $47, followed by a lap dance during which she tells you how she is working her way through community college, and last fall she co-starred in a movie with Stormy Daniels.
Anyway, Kellye recently went into a little store called – I am not making this up – Tiny’s Milk and Cookies. (I’m so hoping that “Tiny” is a good-natured 300+ pounder who gets a kick out of his/her ironic nickname, and I’d bet you that that place has some darn good cookies, which Tiny has perfected after long, exhaustive process of trial and error and taste-testing.)
At Tiny’s, Kellye sees four teenage girls, who are in line waiting – again, not making this up – to buy cookies for their church group. Of course, they were wearing Antifa and “I’m With Her” t-shirts.
HA! I kid.
One of the girls was wearing a Trump “Make America Great Again” t-shirt.
So naturally, “Wrong E” Kellye did what any mentally stable, enlightened leftist adult would do. She walked up to them and screamed, “Grab them by the p—sy, girls!” The girls were startled, and tried to laugh it off, but, “Nevertheless, she persisted!” (Get it? There’s the required Elizabeth Warren reference. NSM) (i.e. Never Stop Mocking.)
Then, according to one of the girls’ fathers, “She yells it again. At that point the girls were getting kind of scared, and then the woman starts going, ‘MAGA! MAGA! MAGA!’ while shaking her fist.”
Someone in the shop reported the woman to the cops, and when they investigated and cited her, they found out that she was a city councilwoman. She was charged with a Class C Misdemeanor.
I think I know what the “C” stands for.
Exhibit B. In 2016, Londoners elected a Labor Party angry Muslim guy as their mayor, and that is working out just great.
Sadiq “no one ever calls him sa-Richard” Khan (cue the Star Trek 2 Shatner meme, “KHAN!!!”) has been doing a bang up job, as the English say. (Or at least, as they used to say, along with “pip pip” and “cheerio.” Now, they mostly say, “Allahu akbar!”)
KHAN! ran on stopping such racist crime-fighting tactics as stop-and-search, has advocated trying to ban anti-Islamic comments on the internet, and has been feuding with Trump. Fortunately, everything in London is so tickety-boo (as the English used to say), that he has plenty of time to devote to such pursuits.
Oh, wait. Upon further review, it turns out that there have been a few bumps in the road for London, if by “bumps in the road” you mean “vicious terrorist attacks.” Last March 22nd, for example, a British citizen drove through a bunch of pedestrians on Westminster Bridge, injuring dozens, before jumping out and stabbing everyone within stabbing range, until a cop shot him dead. When reached for comment, David “Kewpie Hitler” Hogg said, “Why should British police have guns? They’ve got blood on their hands!”
Yes, they do, Davy. And also on the bridge, and spattered on lots of civilians. But that’s mostly from the vehicular homicide and the stabbing.
On June 4th, a couple of Brits carried out a terrorist attack at London Bridge, until they too were shot dead. Their names were something like Philip and Nigel. What’s that? Oh – actually, their names were Khuram and Rachid. And the stabby guy in March was named Khalid.
Ah, what’s the difference? You say “tomato,” I say, “Muhammad.”
Anyway, it finally came to KHAN!’s attention that in February and March, for the first time in history, London had more murders than New York City did.
“See!” said Kewpie Hitler. “What do you expect, when it’s so easy for Londoners to get hold of assault weapons, and AR-15s, and high capacity magazines?”
Alas, despite all of the life experience a snotty 17-year-old can bring to the table, it turns out that the vast majority of the London murders have been done with… wait for it… knives.
That’s right, the ever-quickening arms race has produced the latest in lethal technology ravaging our cities: the sharp piece of metal.
If only we’d stopped inventing things after fire, the wheel, and irrigation! But no, we just had to have a Bronze Age, didn’t we? Oh, the humanity.
Well, at least Khan has to know that since London is essentially gun-free, it’s obviously not the weapon that is the prob—
What’s that? He’s instituted a policy of extreme knife control? Really? Now you can’t carry a knife in London?
Take that, chefs and drywall installers and fishmarket workers and rope salesmen!
Though it’s only April, I’d like to get in an early bid on the end-of-year predictions for next year: “Wave of blunt-object clubbing attacks ravages London in 2019 – only common thread in the attackers is that they are not clean-shaven, or named either Benedict or Cumberbatch.”
On the other hand, maybe I’m being too hasty in condemning KHAN!
Because on Friday, April 6th, in Pittsburgh, a woman had cooked supper for a swell guy named Shannon Lynch. And then Shannon stabbed her with a steak knife.
I know what you’re thinking: what did she do to provoke him? Maybe she had it coming. She could have been wearing a MAGA hat or something, and thus needed a good stabbin’.
But no. It turns out that Shannon Lynch stabbed her because he – and I quote – “objected to the texture of his steak.”
And that, boys and girls, is why there’s a lot of turnover in the kitchen of steak houses in the greater Pittsburgh metropolitan area.
Sadiq, you might be on to something.