As is my traditional practice on election evenings, I got back to Stately Simpson Manor after a hard day’s work and spent a few minutes in prayer, beseeching God to smite my leftist enemies with His fuuurrrious anger (and, this year, to speed up the healing on Khalil Mack’s ankle, while He was at it). Then I put on my lucky smoking jacket and poured a little scotch, and called my old grad school buddy.
For the last 8 elections or so, we’ve either hung out together, or had some marathon phone conversation about the incoming election returns. (This is the guy who was friends with CO when he had not yet attained legendary status, and the guy through whom I first made CO’s acquaintance.) We’ve seen worse elections – Obama’s expected first win, his soul-crushing second win, Al Franken’s ascension to begin groping female posteriors at the senatorial level – and better ones – Bushie’s miraculous comeback over Gore, and the glorious slaying of the Canklesaurus under the intact glass ceiling at the Battle of the Javits Center.
Last night was a mixed bag. Here are my initial impressions of the highs and lows:
We hold Florida, narrowly winning the senate and governor seats. It was especially aggravating that far-left corrupt-ocrat Andrew Gillum barely lost for governor. Now he can return to what he was doing before Tuesday: putting on a series of disguises, jumping into a windowless van and racing from one safe house to another, desperately trying to stay one step ahead of an FBI corruption investigation.
And by the way, though I am loath to toot my own horn, I have now played a pivotal role in several crucial elections. I was among the handful of votes to deny Al Gore the presidency in 2000 and John Kerry in 2004; I helped put Trump over the top in 2016. And now, I helped give razor-thin victories to Ron DeSantis and Rick Scott. You are welcome, CO Nation. (And yes, hitting the tip jar at Martinsimpsonwriting.com would be an appropriate way to express your gratitude, thanks for asking.)
The Dem senators in Red states who voted against Kavanaugh – Donnelly in IN, McCaskill in MO, Nelson in FL, Heitkamp in ND — mostly went down. We almost got Tester in MT, and Manchin in WV likely saved himself by voting for Kavanaugh at the last minute. (That shouldn’t have happened, though: he votes with the Schumer far lefties 90+% of the time, so the Rs in WV shouldn’t have let him slip into another term just because he did the right thing one time, and just before the election.) I was so furious at the Dems’ mistreatment of Kavanaugh, and I am loving the schadenfreude of watching at least some of those creeps get defeated because of it.
Adding to our total in the Senate obviously improves our ability to push through the next SC nominee, if and when God appears to Ruth Bader Ginsburg in a dream and convinces her to retire, lest He break out the smiting stick.
But not only did we add a few much-needed Senate seats, we also made a couple of excellent upgrades. Marsha Blackburn in TN is at least two standard deviations better than the departing Corker. And if McSally can hold on in AZ, she’ll be a big improvement over the aptly named Jeff Flake.
Speaking of ridiculous names, Democrat Ben Jealous lost the race for Maryland governor, which just illustrates the old political cliché: don’t name your candidate after one of the 7 deadly sins. (If we consider “jealousy” to be adjacent to “envy.” Which we do.) I can’t wait for 2020, when he teams up with VP nominee Bobby Sloth. And yes, Bill and Hillary will form a husband and wife team – Lust and Wrath, respectively – at State and Treasury. Michael Moore will step up to take the Gluttony position at HUD, and Obama – of course – will bring Pride to the Ambassador to Iran position.
And by the way, nicely done, Barry. Besides the sure-thing Dems he backed in IL and a few other places – all of whom, absent a meteor strike on Tuesday morning were going to win easily – his endorsement proved to be the kiss of death in all of the close races he bumbled into: Donnelly in IN, Abrams in GA, Gillum in FL and Cordray in OH.
In the feel-good story of the night, eye-patch-wearing SEAL badass Dan Crenshaw wins in Texas, after being mocked by SNL half-boy/half-shrew Pete Davidson last weekend. We’ve got two words for you, Pete, and they aren’t “Happy Birthday.”
In the feel-weird story of the night, a brothel-owning GOP candidate who died in October won a House seat last night. When first hearing that, I briefly considered laying off the Scotch. I mean, I know that many thousands of Democrats routinely vote after they’ve died, but I never heard of anyone winning a race after he died.
I don’t know what it says about the voters in that district, or what it says about the character of that fine, deceased brothel-owning American. But I do know one thing: the guy he defeated is never going to hear the end of it from his family and friends.
You know how every argument for the rest of his life is going to end: “Oh yeah? Well at least I didn’t LOSE TO A DEAD PIMP!”
The Bad –
Obviously losing the House to evil mummy Pelosi’s control is a terrible thing. On the eve of the election, she touted “San Francisco values.” Which I guess means that the rest of the country is now supposed to break out the ass-less chaps and get to work on creating Poop Map Apps (again, the worst Dr. Suess book ever) for the entire country. I do not look forward to watching her shuffle across the well of the house, leaving a trail of her rotting burial wrapping behind her, before clenching her bony fist around the speaker’s gavel, then tilting her head back in a triumphant howl, forming a rictus grin and thus unleashing a furious cloud of stinging wasps out of her gaping maw.
But maybe that’s just me.
Good man and better governor Scott Walker narrowly lost the governorship in WI. Or as the benighted slight majority in Wisconsin put it, “We’re sick of balanced budgets and a competent state government. Let’s try a little of that dysfunctional leftism that is slowly turning the once great state of Illinois into a dumpster fire that burns tax dollars.
Speaking of which, Illinoisans replaced an unpopular billionaire GOP governor with a soon-to-be-unpopular billionaire Dem governor who has vowed to immediately begin colluding with the corrupt Chicago Dem machine in an attempt to increase the speed at which the state is plunging toward a fiscal cliff. So I’m sure that’s going to end well.
Though it wasn’t a surprise, Liz Warren wins again in MA. Never has the old political saying been more justified: “The MA voters have spoken. The bast**rds.” I know that you, like me, are praying that she will shortly launch her kamikaze presidential campaign. (Fun fact: she is actually 1/1023rd Japanese. So, rising sun first, whimsically decorated tepee second.) (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
Sinema still might win in Arizona, which begs the question: what exactly do you have to do to lose an election in Arizona? I mean, besides calling your state “the meth lab of democracy” that is full of “crazy people,” and warning others to be careful that their state not turn into Arizona. And also arguing during the Afghanistan war that it would be okey dokey if American soldiers fought for the Taliban? I mean, I know that she’s got that hot blonde woman in the nerdy glasses thing going for her – [begin Austin Powers voice] she puts the “sin” in “Sinema,” baby! [end Austin Powers voice] — but come on!
I do see a bright side, even in the terrible Dem wins in the House.
It’s true that having the same old leftist fossils once again in power – Pelosi, Mad Maxine, Jerry “the Hutt” Nadler, et. al. – will be a thorn in Trump’s side, and will bog down any useful action in the House for the next 2 years.
But to win the majority, the Dems had to run candidates who appeared to be moderates – including some women with military backgrounds, of all things – in a bunch of House districts. Good for them, for recognizing that the Chavez-Guavara-Casto-Cortez act wouldn’t play in any but the deepest blue districts. But I can see two potential silver linings on those victories:
1.Because the Dem majority is a narrow one, the loony leadership are likely to clash with the newly elected alleged moderates. The extremists at the top have to answer to a crazy extremist base, and they will not tolerate compromise – so some very entertaining blue-on-blue fights are likely.
2.On the other hand, if the newly elected Dems prove to be faux moderates, and vote like their extremist chain of command, they are likely to alienate their voters, and those seats will be vulnerable to turning red again in 2020.
Finally, we must all wince that a vacuous non-entity like Beto O’Rourke – with a Simpson Face Punchability Index (SFPI) of 95 – could come so close to beating Ted Cruz in Texas. But his undeserved close finish isn’t the most aggravating thing about him, because that would be his phony name.
How can an uber-Irish goofball like Robert Francis O’Rourke just slap a bogus Hispanic nickname in place of his first name, and have the whole world go along with it? Sure, Declan Patrick MacManus could become Elvis Costello. But he’s a musical genius. And he wasn’t trying to pander to under-informed Hispanic voters.
Beta (he sure ain’t no alpha!) has inspired me, though. From now on, I’d like you all to call me “Julio Drew Simpson.”
Or maybe Martin “Juan” Simpson.
No, no! I’ve got it! “El Jefe Simpson.”
I’m going to print up some new business cards in the morning. My candidacy for a Texas House seat begins in 2019. Arriba, Arriba! Andale!