The responses to my last column once again prove that the CO nation is full of some witty people, with impeccable taste.
You all answered the call with some more suggestions for a collective noun to describe Dem presidential candidates. A “dementia of Democrats” and a “failure of Democrats” were particular favorites, though I can’t discount the alliterative fun of “clown car of candidates” and “gaggle of goofballs.”
The positive response to the title of “Martacus” is growing on me. Just this morning, I was standing in front of a full-length mirror in a toga (as one does), testing the sound of it. Cassie the Wonder Dog stood by watching, and she seemed impressed.
On the other hand, John Gabris suggested that the ultimate test of the new name will be whether my wife will use it. Early results are NOT encouraging. On the other hand, she has inexplicably not taken to calling me “@hilariousgenius,” either, no matter how nicely I ask. So I may have to disregard her opinion on this, as on a few other things.
We’ve got a new addition to the declared field of Dem candidates…and never has a “dementia” of Democrats more aptly applied than it does to Bernie Sanders. The socialist dictator-enthusiast threw his hat into the ring on the 19th. Comically, it was a bicorne hat (like the one Napoleon wore), which was very fashionable in the early 19th century, when Bernie was a young man.
(Speaking of which, I know that “octogenarian” describes people in their 80s, and “nonagenarian” people in their 90s. But what word describes a guy in his late 100s like Bernie? I want to say “centurion,” but I know that that’s one of those Roman soldiers.) (Speaking of which, call me Martacus!)
(See what I mean? It’s growing on you, too.)
I remember reading in 2015 about Bernie’s checkered past: kicked out of a commune for being too lazy (How is that even possible?!), no consistent job until he got elected at age 39, composer of amateurish pornography. But the most shocking story was that as a young adult, he stole electricity from a neighbor when his own utilities were cut off due to lack of payment.
I wasn’t shocked that a leftist was stealing what belongs to others. Because, duh!
I was shocked that electricity had been invented when Bernie Sanders was a young adult.
It should be fun to watch Bernie wheeze his way around the track one more time, forcing the other candidates to move even farther left to counter him. Assuming that they won’t already be so far left that they are barely visible, far out on the horizon.
But all of the fun this week has not come from the presidential candidates – it has also come from unstable types like Jussie Smollett and AOC.
I knew that the Smollett story was fishy, for several reasons.
First, Simpson’s Law of Ridiculous Names obviously applies in the case of “Jussie.” Oddly spelled names have been scientifically proven to be associated with shaky character — you need look no farther than Obama flunky Jeh Johnston for evidence. We can accept a “Justin,” and we can accept a “Jessie,” but “Jussie” is a no-go.
Also, he wanted us to believe that Trump supporters do the following: live in Chicago, recognize an obscure actor from an obscure tv show, hang out at 2 a.m. in a polar vortex with a bottle of bleach in one gloved hand, and a noose in the other. (Someone has to say it: it was a FAKE NOOSE! HA!)
Smollett’s tired, hackneyed leftist talking points in interviews were so boring that I started to believe that the only reason the cops didn’t point the finger at him earlier was that he wasn’t interesting enough to be a “person of interest.”
Finally, for a leftist, anti-white/anti-conservative/anti-common sense media, the story was too good to check, which always means that it should be taken with a grain of salt.
Cochise Frigidaire (the dentally-challenged Native American Vietnam-era refrigerator repairman who fantasized about conservative white kids screaming “build the wall” at him) was lying, but the MSM fell for it. As was frequent-flyer but terrified-of-flying baby-talker Christine Blasey-Ford. As were a variety of other atrocity-committing MAGA-hat-wearers who turned out to be imaginary.
If you are wondering if the MSM will ever learn, don’t hold your breath. Especially in a polar vortex.
But the award for most entertaining lefty of February has to go to AOC (Annoying Oblivious-Cortez).
Her roll out of the Green New Deal was a thing of beauty, combining all of the standard elements that we’ve come to expect from her party: utopian assumptions, laughable misunderstandings of the way the world actually works, and breathtaking incompetence.
Let’s lead with the incompetence. (She certainly did!)
Remember when FDR pushed ambitious legislation that turned a temporary economic downturn into the Great Depression, or when LBJ started a War on Poverty that poverty won by a TKO in the 10th round, or when Obama promised shovel-ready jobs that turned out to not be so shovel-ready?
Or when Obama promised that you could keep your doctor and your plan, and that you’d save $2500 on your health care costs, but it turned out that you could keep neither your doctor nor your plan, and you had to sleep with creepy old Willie Brown to get an appointment with your GP?
Wait, maybe that last part was just Kamala “bury me in a Y-shaped coffin” Harris. (Hat tip to Black Adder.)
Well, AOC’s GND was just that kind of FUBAR CF, served with a side of WTF and another of STFU. (Acronyms are fun!)
First, she released a FAQ (and yes, the “F” stands for the same thing it did in the previous acronyms) describing the plan. But the plan was so breathtakingly stupid – let’s confiscate the earnings of hardworking people to pay people who are unwilling to work, and then ram corks into the ends of cows that do not moo, and then replace air travel with trains! – that she immediately had to start backtracking.
She tweeted – and I quote – “There are multiple doctored GNC resolutions and FAQs floating around. There was also a draft version that got uploaded + taken down. There’s also draft versions floating out there.”
So the documents are “doctored,” but also draft versions, which were presumably not doctored, but were only preliminary and thus invalid, even though they don’t contradict the essence of later versions, which are no less dumb than the earlier versions.
Also, the dog ate my homework, eyewitness testimony is unreliable, my email was hacked, and table 3 clearly ordered the pitcher of kerosene served in breadbowls that I brought them.
In a 2/7 morning interview with NPR, AOC was asked, “Are you prepared to put on the table that yes, [conservatives] are actually right, what this requires is massive government intervention?” Her answer, which I am not making up: “It does. It does. Yeah, I have no problem saying that.”
Until that same evening, when she had a big problem saying that. This time the interview was on MSNBC, and her response was subtly different: “One way that the Right does try to mischaracterize what we’re doing as though it’s, like, some kind of massive government takeover.”
Anyway, after a few days of walking around in circles and stepping on rakes, AOC was finally knocked unconscious. Her staff then leapt into action, telling reporters from the Hill that, “…while doctored FAQ documents are circulating on the internet, the one [we] released was an unfinished draft that [we] had not intended to publish.”
In related news, Carlos Danger (and why isn’t THAT guy a declared presidential candidate, by the way?) released a statement of his own: “You know all of those pics of my genitalia that I sent to all of those underage girls? I did not intend to publish them. Sooooooo… can I be in Congress again?”
But the hijinks didn’t stop there. Chinless cartoon turtle “Cocaine Mitch” McConnell plodded into action, proposing a vote on the GND in the Senate. And leftists politicians cheered, eagerly climbing over each other to get in front of cameras and take credit for this visionary legislation.
Ha! I kid. They actually ran for cover, because even they know ridiculous it is.
But AOC was not deterred. She touted the amazing benefits of the GND, saying that it can be a new “moon shot.”
When I first heard that, I thought that she might be planning to drop her pants and expose her rear end in the next House debate. Which might be her best chance to distract the electorate from what is in the GND.
On the other hand, if it works, it might encourage DMH (“Dessicated Mummy Hands” Pelosi) or Hillary to try the same tactic.
So, please God, NOOO!!!
The encore to the GND launch was the Amazon kerfuffle.
True to her socialist hatred of all things prosperous or successful, AOC led the charge to prevent Amazon from bringing high paying jobs and a gusher of tax dollars to her constituents. When Amazon agreed not to inflict these benefits on her district, AOC exulted, “Anything is possible!” and celebrated the victory over “corporate greed” and “worker exploitation.”
That’s the kind of “can’t do” spirit that made the left great.
Some of her supporters – who were all standing around with nothing to do in the middle of a work day – said, “Yay?”
Also, “I was told there would be a free lunch. And afterwards a moon shot.”
From her interviews, it became clear that AOC thinks that a “tax break” means that New Yorkers would have to GIVE Amazon $3B, rather than agreeing to take $3B LESS up front (and then many billions more later ) than they would have otherwise received, if any hypothetical company was masochistic enough to invest in a hostile blue state.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: as a political thinker, she makes a hell of a bartender.
Thus spake Martacus!
Martin Simpson 