You may remember that just a week ago, I’d narrowed the dementia of Democrats seeking the 2020 nomination down to the two “best” – in the sense of most representative of their far-left base – candidates: Creepy Porn Lawyer Avenatti and Creepy pro-abortion bully Brian Sims.
But I may have spoken too soon, because Warren Wilhelm Jr. has entered the race.
You are probably saying “who?” (Or maybe, “who cares?”) It turns out that Bill DeBlasio – terrible leftist NYC mayor – was born Warren Wilhelm Jr. He later changed his name to Warren de Blasio-Wilhelm – I guess because he had married Hillary Rodham de Blasio? – before settling on his current nom de knucklehead.
If I were the type to engage in ethnic rumor mongering, I might point out that given the uber-Germanic name “Wilhelm,” his devotion to socialism, and his obvious urge to dictate everything from drink sizes to salt content of meals consumed in his domain, I think we might infer some Nazi sympathies in his background.
But since I’m above that sort of thing, I’ll just point out that since Kaiser Wilhelm has completely failed at running a major city, he naturally wants to take the next step up to failing at running a country.
In his favor: if Mayor Pete can be a candidate because he’s the mayor of Hooterville, and Skateboarding Doofus can be a candidate because he almost didn’t lose a Senate race, and Bernie can be a candidate because he’s the only surviving member of Marx’s 19th century inner circle, and Kamala can be a candidate because she slept with that married octogenarian, and Grandma Squanto can be a candidate because she once spent a night in Sioux City when her car broke down (#wemustneverstopmockingher), why can’t Heinrich de Blasio run for president, too?
Not in his favor: everything else.
Exhibit A – When polled, something like 76% of New Yorkers said that they thought he shouldn’t run for president. I can only assume that the remaining 24% favor a presidential run only because that would require that he stop being mayor of New York City.
Exhibit B – On Monday he was scheduled to do a big photo op pushing the Green New Deal in front of Trump Tower. But because God hates Sergeant Schultz-de Blasio, He sent inclement weather, which pushed the de Blasio speech indoors, to right in front of the escalators. And because most New Yorkers hate de Blasio as much as God does, a group of them immediately made some cardboard signs reading “Worst Mayor Ever!” and “Trump 2020,” and rode up and down the escalators behind him throughout his entire speech. (Just when I was ready to write off NYC altogether, you magnificent bastards do something like that! I salute you!)
Exhibit C – A few days later, he went on GMA to tout his candidacy to former Clinton hatchet man and totally objective journalist George Stephanopoulos. He was drowned out by protestors outside chanting “Liar, liar.”
So why am I so stoked about a Reinhard Heydrich-de Blasio candidacy? Because I think that, of all of the ominous things said by all of the creepy leftists so far in the 21st century, de Blasio uttered the one that best sums up the clueless arrogance and lust for power inherent in leftism. It’s not a slip of the tongue, because he has said it multiple times in the past, and repeated it this week in his announcement video:
“There’s plenty of money in this world, there’s plenty of money in this country, it’s just in the wrong hands.”
That’s our would-be leftist overlords in a nutshell. If you are financially successful or own something, you didn’t build that, and it’s not rightfully yours. They’ll decide whose hands it should be in.
Ugh. Let me just go over to my hat closet to retrieve my wizard hat and do a little prognosticating.
Annnddd… Bill de Blasio is not going to get the Dem nomination.
Oooh, the pointy hat is still tingling. (No offense, Mayor Pete. No gay slang intended.) I feel another prediction coming on.
No man in America is going to be taking any cold showers over the sex strike called by Bette Midler and Alyssa Milano.
The wizard hat has spoken.
Really, though. Did any guy hear that news and groan to himself, “I have to do without sex with Bette Midler AND Alyssa Milano? Where is my arsenic, and my handgun?”
Granted, I’m not the target audience for this strike. When I met the CORCAW (the CORCA wife, obviously), all other women became invisible to me. Which is a real problem in the office, because I’m constantly bumping into many women whom I do not notice. If one of them happens to be bending over to pick up something when the collision occurs, I’m back in HR before you can say, “Mr. Weinstein will see you now.”
But there was a time before I’d met the CORCAW, and I can envision some hypothetical sex strike participants who might have moved me. If you’d told me that a bevy of Bond girls, or a 1976 Farrah Fawcett, or a 1983 Nena (singing in German) were going to stop taking my calls, I’d have hobbled to the negotiating table.
But octogenarian Bette Midler, and momentarily-attractive-25-years-ago Alyssa Milano? I think I can soldier through that libidinal Lent without losing my will to live.
Besides, the logic of this protest escapes me. These geniuses are calling for women to stop having sex with men — which will mean that none of them will get pregnant – in order to preserve the right to abort the babies that they will not conceive, because they are not having sex with men.
Well played, screeching termagants. Well played.
Finally, in case you think that sexual politics can’t get any more ridiculous, I give you the story of “feminist tax expert” Maya Forstater, who recently lost her job at the Centre for Global Development, which Breitbart London identified as an “international think tank.” (Although after reading this story, you will believe, as I do, that the use of “think tank” is a considerable exaggeration. Even a “think saucer” is probably over-stated. Is there such a thing as a “think thimble?”)
Sharp CO readers have probably already spotted a few red flags. First, why would anyone’s feminism or gender politics be relevant to the work of a tax expert? Has anyone ever said, “Get me our Q3 results, and also your thoughts on biological males using women’s bathrooms.” Or “I need a spreadsheet of our accounts receivable, cross-referenced with the preferred pronouns of Chelsea Manning, Caitlyn Jenner and Don Lemon!”
Also, Simpson’s Law of Ridiculously Spelled Names is violated by “Centre.” And I know – that spelling is European, so we should all acknowledge its cultural superiority.
Well, you know what else is European? Soccer. French rap “music.” Pretentious black and white films that make zero sense. No second amendment. No freedom of speech.
No thank you.
Anyway, what did crazy tax expert Forstater say that was so outrageous? Here is her quote, which I am not making up, “Yes I think that male people are not women. I don’t think being a woman/female is a matter of identity or womanly feelings. It is biology.”
So obviously, we must burn her at the stake.
Or, as her boss put it in an email to her, “You stated that a man’s internal feeling that he is a woman has no basis in material reality. A lot of people would find that offensive and exclusionary.”
Yes, and those people are raving lunatics, and Democratic primary voters.
The rest of us don’t go to our tax people – or to the fourth lead on Who’s the Boss – for advice on our sex lives. We just want to know if there’s a way to write off our wizard hats as a business expense.
Is that too much to ask?