Five different stories have caught my attention this week, and that’s not including Trump’s performance in England, which even his MSM critics have had to admit (through gritted teeth) has gone well.
Story #1: As I’ve said in earlier columns, I almost feel sorry for Nancy Pelosi as she tries to herd the rabble of miscreants and moonbats that make up the Dem House majority. Almost.
She’s been trying to keep them from their own extremist instincts, even if only for pragmatic reasons. She’s counseled against a futile impeachment drive, and has attempted to rein in AOC and the HJT (hateful jihadi twins Tlaib and Omar).
But she may have given up. On the top of Drudge yesterday was a big picture of Rictus-Grin Pelosi over a giant headline: Pelosi Wants Trump in Jail!
Hold your breath, Nance. Here’s a partial list of other things Pelosi wants that she is NOT going to get:
The ability to change facial expressions.
The ability to control her trembling, dessicated mummy hands.
The ability to come back to the House floor after a bathroom visit without trailing her rotting burial wrapping behind her.
The ability to retreat to her palatial estate behind giant walls protected by armed security while she lectures the rest of us that walls and guns are evil.
Correction: She has gotten #4. But she won’t get the others.
Story #2: Joe Biden plagiarizes. AGAIN!
After getting in trouble for plagiarizing a law review article when he was in law school, and having an earlier presidential run derailed for plagiarizing various other politicians’ speeches, you’d think that Creepy Joe would have made Job #1 the obvious one: don’t freaking plagiarize again!
But he just couldn’t do it. After a week of Hyding out (Get it?) from the press and promising a great new plan for saving the planet, the Biden campaign put out a bunch of talking points lifted verbatim from some lefty enviro site.
The saddest thing might be what banal, boiler-plate talking points they are. I’m sure that everyone reading this could come up with the basic beats without even breaking a sweat.
Biden tried to contain the damage as best he could, by releasing a prepared statement:
“Four score and seven hours ago, I had a dream. The dream police, they live inside of my head. But I cannot tell a lie: this plagiarism business is not serious, just a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. I think, therefore I am. I came, I saw, I conquered. And as I’ve always said, blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth, and you can take that to the bank. Remember our new campaign slogan: Biden 2020 – I’m with Her!”
“In conclusion, I am the walrus, goo goo g’joob.”
This guy is leading all other Dem candidates by double digits, people.
Which, sadly, sounds about right.
Story #3: Lizzie Warren goes nuts at a Boston gay pride parade.
If you haven’t seen the video, do yourself a favor and watch it now. In a parade full of moral exhibitionism, Grandma Squanto outdid everyone else by a long shot, dancing and laughing and exhibiting manic, over-the-top attention-seeking behavior that should have its own chapter in a psych textbook. She made the most flamboyant drag queens look like austere Puritans in a coma. No straight person could possibly be this enthusiastic about gayness.
So I can only draw the obvious conclusion that she’s going to start pretending to be gay, as well as Indian. Be on the lookout for a sequel to Pow Wow Chow that targets the “native women who enjoy comfortable moccasins” demographic. #wemustneverstopmockingher
Story #4: Whoopi Goldberg is disgusting.
If you — like me — have spent the last two weeks fighting the scourge of OGI (ocular gouge instinct) at the thought of Bette Midler and Alyssa Milano ending their sex strike and forcing themselves on you, do NOT search for Whoopi Goldberg’s recent criticism of Nikki Haley’s position on abortion.
Normally, any mention of Nikki Haley is worth at least one instinctive “giggity” from your humble Martacus. But the mental image that Goldberg created…
Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
If you must call up that video, for the love of all that is holy, lock up your cutlery and put on some oven mitts before you press play, lest the OGI overwhelm you!
Story #5 is my favorite: the morally superior hobgoblins from Hollywood have spoken, and now Georgians must start aborting their children, or else!
If you haven’t heard, Georgians recently passed a bill restricting abortion in their state, which is approximately 2000 miles from California. So when the Polanskis and Weinsteins of the world heard about that, they naturally got up off of their latest underaged victims, pulled their pants back on, and erupted with righteous anger.
The elite of California – home to the casting couch and the porn industry and poop maps, and the land where they give out roofies to adolescents like they were m&ms on Halloween – are threatening that if Georgians don’t get with the aborting post haste, the film industry is going to boycott the Peach State.
The irony is staggering. Major Hollywood studios and newer players like Netflix have filmed all around the world in recent years, including such places as Northern Ireland (where abortion is illegal), most European countries (virtually all of which have stricter abortion laws than we do), and exotic Muslim-ruled locales including Egypt and Jordan, where the only sport that competes in popularity with soccer (ugh!) is a spirited round of “toss-a-gay-fellow-off-the-roof.”
Yet Hollywood does not lecture the Europeans about their benighted anti-infanticide prejudice, or explain to the Muslims of the world why women should not be trussed up in black beekeeper outfits when they go out in public, or why they should replace all of their madrassahs with satellite campuses of the RuPaul Drag Queen Academy.
I was confused about why our celebrity betters would tolerate the backward beliefs of all of those countries, so I did a little research and found – mirabile dictu! – that all of those places are cheaper to film in than the tax-happy leftist greed-ocracies of California and New York.
Imagine that.
All of this reminds me of the eternal truth of the principle that I introduced in this column a year ago, along with its catchy acronym of MYOBYTJ: Mind Your Own Business, You Totalitarian Jerks!
Perhaps the most obnoxious tendency of the left – along with terminal humorlessness and unchecked hubris – is the urge to micromanage everyone else’s lives. They are congenitally unable to mind their own business!
Conversely, one of the best of our Founding Fathers’ many great ideas was the concept that the states should control as much of their own self-government as possible. Beyond the few, crucial unifying ideas and tasks of the federal government, the founders argued that the states should be what a later Supreme Court justice would call the “laboratories of democracy.”
Each state could decide for themselves how to approach various governmental tasks – involving education, the penal system, regulations, and more.
Thus Texans have decided that if you kill someone in Texas, they’re going to kill you back. But Massachusetts residents have rejected the death penalty, and opted instead to give murderers weekend passes. (Admittedly, that was under Dukakis, and may not still be going on.)
Red states opt for less regulation, and if you want to start a business there, they welcome you. Blue states regard your idea for a business with suspicion, and then present you with a list of demands.
Red states allow for educational innovation through ideas like charter schools and vouchers, while blue states do everything they can to force your kids into failing public schools where great teachers go unrewarded and terrible ones can’t be fired.
The verdict is in, and Americans are voting with their feet – they’re leaving blue states for red ones.
But that doesn’t mean that conservatives want to dictate how leftists live. If San Franciscans want to dodge junkies and poop piles and dirty needles the minute they step out of their over-priced houses, go nuts. If New Yorkers want to turn their city back into a Dinkinsonian hell of crime and filth, have at it. If the people of Detroit and Baltimore want thugs to victimize them because it’s racist to fight crime, God bless ‘em.
Just don’t try to make the rest of us live the way you do.
MYOBYTJ!
Martin Simpson 