I got back from Maine – good company, good weather, good lobster – just in time to get laid low by some kind of flu. Fortunately, I have the strength of ten men because my heart is pure, so an illness that might have killed a lesser human just cost me about 48 hours of down time.
I spent that time sorting through recent events, and finding several hilarious stories that bring me joy:
Joe Biden’s latest gaffe – unless he’s made another gaffe since I started writing this sentence – was to cite his past ability to work with segregationists in the Congress to get things done. His Dem rivals, along with some empty heads in the MSM pounced. An MSNBC goon got the story right, with one telling Freudian slip of an error: she identified the two segregationists as Republicans. (For future reference, MSMers, you don’t need a scorecard to keep the players straight. Whenever you write a story referring to some racist segregationist, or Klansman, or Jim Crow-enforcing bully, you’re writing about Democrats. Pretty simple, right?)
I really enjoyed the blue-on-blue firefight over Old Joe’s unforced error. Sure, his rivals all lied about what he clearly meant: Kamala, Bernie and Grandma Squanto all said that he’d “celebrated” or “praised” or “adored” the old segregationist Democrats he mentioned. It’s almost enough to make we want to defend Plugsy McBackslapper.
But then I remember him talking to a mostly black audience, claiming that Republicans, “would like to put y’all back in chains.” And I make myself some popcorn and enjoy the karmic comeuppance.
In more “me-too” hypocrisy news, CNN boss Jeff Zucker recently made a painfully unfunny sexual joke that would certainly cause him some serious employment problems, if he weren’t a reliable leftist robot.
For those keeping score at home, please don’t mistake leftist hack CNN boss Zucker for leftist hack CNN political correspondent Brian Stelter. Which you may be tempted to do, since — as I’ve pointed out before — they both look remarkably like giant, dishonest human thumbs.
But Zucker looks like a giant, dishonest human thumb with glasses, while Stelter does not wear glasses. (And yes, that distinction can fairly be called a “Rule of Thumb.”) (You’re welcome.) Also, neither of them should be confused with Tom Thumb, a character from English folklore who never lied to the American public about politics, as far as I know.
Anyway, Zucker was “being honored for leadership at the Mirror Awards, which recognizes excellence in journalism” at Syracuse.
I am not making that up. Thumbkin Zucker. Excellence in Journalism.
So CNN anchor Alisyn Camerota introduced Zucker at the awards ceremony. (By the way, the judges do not accept “Alisyn” as an acceptable spelling. Would Elvis Costello’s song “Alison (My Aim is True)” have still been awesome if it had been titled “Alisyn?” Probably, because Elvis is so great. But that spelling is still an atrocity.)
After Camerota introduced Zucker, he took the floor and said, “I was gonna say that I love waking up WITH YOU every morning, but I want to say that I love waking up TO YOU every morning.”
Yikes! If he were a conservative boss or commentator, there would be pitchforks and torches and demands for his resignation. Spoiler alert: that did not happen. But according to several people present, there were “groans in the room.” I’ll bet.
I think the audience might have felt sorry for him. Camerota is no Nikki Haley or my wife, but she could reasonably be described as “easy on the eyes,” while Jeff Zucker looks like… Jeff Zucker. It must be tough to be the boss of a much more attractive woman, and have to try to maintain a professional demeanor, when your heart is crying out for you to say to her, “Run away with me, and be my Thumbelina, and we’ll live happily ever after!”
On the other hand, he’s a leftist creeper, and that lame joke is unforgivable. So descend upon him with fury, leftist PC police!
Wait. What’s that? The leftist “me too” police only descend with fury upon non-leftists?
AOC has continued to entertain, with her mixture of mediocre bartending skills, wafer-thin knowledge of the world, and bottomless self-confidence. Remember when Don Rumsfeld discussed “known unknowns” and “unknown unknowns?” Well the entire world is one big ball of unknown unknowns to AOC.
Most recently, we learned that we can add concentration camps to the list of things about which AOC knows nothing. (Note to AOC: those were not places you go so that you can REALLY focus your thinking.) Because she called the places where the US temporarily houses people who break into our country “concentration camps.” The reaction from the sane community was strong and negative, with several conservative commentators pointing out that the Nazi extermination camps were quite different, not least because thousands of Jews weren’t eagerly crossing the border into Germany so that they could be temporarily housed in THOSE concentration camps.
The Westchester Wizard was not deterred. She said that she wasn’t referring to Nazi concentration camps. Even though she used the phrase “Never again,” – which is famously associated with the determination of Jews and the West to prevent another Nazi-like holocaust — in her original tweet. She also got offended by her critics using the phrase “extermination,” which she said aligned them with the Nazis, who first used that term. Unfortunately for her, so has every other serious writer and thinker about the holocaust, including such non-Nazis as Simon Wiesenthal.
Someday AOC will likely be back to screwing up drink orders in a bar somewhere. But between now and then, she’s going to be a political thorn in Pelosi’s side, and the gift that keeps on giving.
In LGBTQ-l-m-n-o-p news, the big recent story was that some nameless weasel-crats at the US embassy in Botswana had asked for permission to fly the rainbow pride flag over the embassy, and when the WH turned them down, they flew it anyway.
When I read that, I decided that I needed to learn more about Botswana. A little research revealed that Botswana is a country in southern Africa with roughly the same land mass as Texas. Its primary export is tungsten, its national insect is the botfly, and its largest freshwater lake is Lake Botswana. The literacy rate is 63% and life expectancy is 58, with the leading causes of death being dengue fever and poison-tipped arrows. As with most Africans, Botswanians are not particularly accepting of homosexuality.
Okay, I confess. None of the “facts” in the previous paragraph are true, except that Botswana is in southern Africa. (Here are a few tips for any of you youngsters who want to make up facts about a country in the future: Tungsten is good to use, because nobody knows what it is, but everyone vaguely remembers it from high school social studies class. Always compare a country’s size to Texas; it’s like comparing the size of hail to golf balls – it just works. And if a country is tropical, you can’t go wrong with dengue fever.) I made it all up to prove a point: nobody outside of Botswana knows or cares about anything in Botswana. Which means that the only reason for the controversy is the exhibitionist virtue signaling over all things gay.
I mentioned in a previous column that as a well-raised Midwesterner, I don’t care for the airing of everyone’s sexual proclivities in public. I understand that for many gay people, the long-lasting stigma against their preference made it feel liberating to fight back with public declarations of their sexuality. But c’mon! As the resistance and prejudice against gays has withered away, the pride parades and readings and paraphernalia get more and more strident. Surely there’s some happy medium between the bad old days of “the love that dares not speak its name” and this year’s “the love that never shuts up about itself!”
Leaving all the gay stuff aside, as a general principle I’d rather that we only flew the US flag over US embassies. Sure, there might be temptations to fly different flags on special occasions. Maybe a Cubs flag when they win their first World Series in a century. Or a Redskins flag to mock Elizabeth Warren when she makes an especially stupid public statement. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
But if you make one exception, every obscure interest group will come out of the woodwork, and pretty soon you’ve got a different flag flying every day. On Monday it’s a flag for Arbor Day, on Tuesday it’s a flag for Adult Children of Alcoholics, and on Wednesday it’s Breast Cancer Awareness. On Thursday we celebrate that McDonalds has brought back the McRib sandwich, and on Friday a men’s rights group who got steamed about the breast cancer flag insist on a flag for testicular cancer.
And nobody wants to see THAT flag flying over their embassy.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to make a run to Costco for a Michael Moore-sized wheelbarrow of popcorn, because the Dem debates start this week. I’m still rooting for Avenatti at the top of the ticket.