Did you wake up the last several days to find that life seemed emptier, somehow? That the sun is shining a little less brightly, that food has lost its savor, that your affection for your spouse has dulled a bit? That my writing seems a little less entertaining or hilarious?
That might be because Eric Swallwell has dropped out of the Democrat presidential race.
But probably not. Because even Mrs. Swallwell and whatever little Swallwells there may be were not excited about his candidacy.
Don’t despair, though, because as non-entity Swallwell was dropping out, billionaire Tom Steyer was getting into the race. Which means that the declared Democrat candidate count holds steady at 138,756 candidates.
As I sat and stared into my coffee — wondering how I was going to go on, now that we won’t have Swallwell to kick around anymore — it occurred to me that it might be fun to write a brief political obituary for each of the Democrat candidates, as they begin to drop, one by one.
So here’s the first in what might end up being a series: A fond farewell to Eric Swallwell.
“After an inconsequential career as a Congressman from California, little-known Swallwell shocked the world when he announced his candidacy for the most powerful office in the world. Or he would have, if anyone in the world had heard anything about it. He ran an inconsequential campaign, his greatest accomplishment being to remind voters that Joe Biden is very old – a fact which is not exactly as mysterious as the contents of Obama’s college transcripts. He was not respected, or even noticed, and he will not be missed.”
Speaking of leftist pols who would not be missed, I give you Florida congresswoman Frederica Wilson. If you don’t remember her, she’s the African-American loon who always wears ridiculous cowboy pimp hats, and says very dumb things. (How can you tell her apart from the rest of the Democrats in congress, you ask? She’s the one wearing the cowboy pimp hat.) You might remember her from my discussion of the way she bungled her attempt to accuse Trump of bungling a condolence call to an army widow, posted last January. (You can read that column by going to Martinsimpsonwriting.com, and go back to January 13, 2018 in the archives.)
The latest stupid thing she said may be stupider than the stupid things she was saying last January. She went to a detention center on the border last week, and when a reporter asked her for her thoughts, this is the best she could come up with: “Those people who are online, making fun of members of Congress, are a disgrace and there is no need for anyone to think that is unacceptable.”
I know that the double-negative rule can be confusing, especially if your 10-gallon hat is cutting off blood flow to your half-gallon brain. But the rule is that two negatives cancel each other out. For example, to say “I’m not going to say that Frederica is not a moron,” means, “I’m saying she’s a moron.”
And that’s what I’m saying.
Her statement actually means that there is a need to think that mocking leftist politicians is acceptable. Which you know is NOT what she meant to say, because it makes perfect sense.
She goes on to say, “We’re going to shut them down and work with whoever it is to shut them down, and they should be prosecuted.” She’s probably referring to the Federal Department of Shutting People Down. You don’t know fear until you’ve heard that the FDSPD is on your trail!
“You cannot intimidate members of Congress, threaten members of Congress. It is against the law in this United States of America,” she said. Notice how she conflates making fun of someone to intimidating and/or threatening them.
I’ve obviously got a dog in this fight, because if mocking leftist politicians was a crime, I’d be eligible for the death penalty. But it really is amazing to get a glimpse into the “thinking” (if you can call it that) of this leftist politician.
She’s an outlier in terms of her taste in comical headgear, but I fear that she’s not an outlier when it comes to her disdainful attitude toward the voters, and her own exalted position. She really does think that not only should she not be criticized, but that it should be a crime to criticize her.
On the other hand, I’m glad that she’s in congress, if only because every time Liz Warren sees her, she almost jumps out of her (super-white) skin. Because there’s nothing that scares a faux Indian like a faux cowboy. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
Finally, I’ve got to comment on the way that Old Joe Biden flip flopped yet again, this time on whether Cory Booker is owed an apology.
When Spartacus first slandered Joe as a racist several weeks ago, Joe showed a little fire in the belly; when a reporter asked him if he’d apologize to Booker, Joe said no way, and suggested that Booker should apologize to him. But as usual, Joe’s firmly held, bedrock conviction withstood the storm of strongly worded mewlings from a bunch of woke scolds for around two weeks, after which he broke down and groveled, apologizing to Booker.
Did Booker respond with class and maturity?
He’s Cory Booker. So, no.
He started out saying that he always likes to extend grace to others, so he appreciates Biden’s apology. Then he spent several paragraphs tearing down Biden: Booker is “frustrated that [Biden’s apology] took so long… and he was “hurt” that Biden’s comments were directed at him. He said, “I’m sorry we went through all this and I’m sorry he tried to shift blame to me. But I’m grateful. I want to say thank you. We need to extend grace to each other.”
We’ve all heard of the “non-apology apology,” wherein somebody says, “I’m sorry if you misunderstood my comments.” But now Cory Booker has created the “non-acceptance acceptance,” along with the “graceless extension of grace.”
This exchange lowered my opinion of Spartacus – which I would not have thought was possible – and left me with two thoughts.
First, I’ve mentioned before that CNN hack reporter Brian Stelter looks like a giant, dishonest human thumb, and that CNN hack boss Jeff Zucker looks like a giant, dishonest human thumb with glasses. I don’t know how I never noticed it before, but Cory Booker looks like a brown, giant, dishonest human thumb.
Second, he’s becoming so creepy that I’m having to re-think calling myself Martacus. I originally did that just to mock him, and then I continued doing it because I like the sound of it, and to continue drawing a contrast between someone making a self-referential joke, and a pompous dope like Booker, who meant his self-flattering “Spartacus” label deadly seriously.
But if he continues getting slimier, I may have to come up with another tongue-in-cheek self-aggrandizing name for myself.
So far I’ve only come up with “The Count of Marty Cristo,” but I’m still working on it.
And, oh yes: Avenatti/Epstein 2020!