So while I was in Europe, soaking up the culture and meeting cool Kiwis who went to Europe to chew gum and urinate in Hitler’s bathtub (and they’re all out of gum), leftists in America were going all Thelma and Louise, fighting over the steering wheel and mashing the gas pedal as they raced toward the cliffs of insanity.
Exhibit A: Humans are rarely confronted with social experiments having conditions so perfect that they could have been designed in a laboratory. But when we are, we should learn from them.
One such example was the division of Germany into east and west after WWII. One group of people – with the same history, language, culture, everything – was artificially split, with half living in a free market/capitalist west, and the other half living in a totalitarian leftist-governed east.
Fast forward 30 years and West Germany has BMWs and functioning institutions and a clean environment and adorable Nena singing about 99 Luft Balloons, and East Germany looks like Baltimore or Detroit or any other leftist-run city. The lesson couldn’t be more obvious: allowing statist, command-and-control leftists to run your society results in disaster.
The media wing of the Democrat party was offered a similarly instructive test in the form of two near-simultaneous events. In separate mass shootings within 36 hours of each other, two evil and possibly mentally ill (but definitely evil) jackasses shot a ton of innocent victims. One killer left copious evidence that he was mostly a right-winger, and the other that he was a left-winger.
Here was the MSM’s chance to shine. If they were even minimally honest, they had two viable options before them: either argue that the killers alone were responsible for their actions, regardless of what political views inspired them to act, or argue that the pols on both left and right were at least partially responsible for inspiring these nutballs.
And, of course, they chose option C: the “right-wing” killer was triggered by Trump’s terribleness, and Trump and all conservatives are responsible for his evil actions. But what about the leftist killer, who gushed about his love for Grandma Squanto and Screaming Socialist Grandpa Bernie? His actions were Trump’s and conservatives’ fault too, somehow.
The MSM are thoroughly dishonest and immune to shame, and they have earned the contempt of decent people everywhere. Fox and the conservative media found on the net and elsewhere are far from perfect. But if you believe ANYTHING you see on MSNBC, CNN or the big 3 networks, you should undergo a concussion protocol and be put into conservatorship until you are no longer a threat to yourself or others.
Exhibit B. The FBI’s reputation has been battered once again. In the wake of the exposure of James Comey, Strzok and Page, and doddering Bob Mueller and his army of faceless partisan Dems, it was hard to imagine that any insider could inflict a worse black eye.
But then former FBI agent Frank Fugliuzzi – whose name sounds like something made up by a lazy, anti-Italian sitcom writer – took to MSNBC, but only after asking a cameraman to hold his beer, and his copy of Mein Kampf. Frankie noted that Trump ordered that flags be flown at half-mast to mourn the dead in the recent shootings, and then he argued that Trump has ordered them to be returned to their normal position on August 8th.
Therefore, Trump is a Nazi.
While that might seem like an Evel Knievel-ian logical leap (“Hey Martin,” you may have asked, “Can you spell Evel Knievel’s name correctly, and also turn it into an adjective?” Done and done, my friend.), F-squared has a solid explanation. It seems that “H” is the eighth letter in the alphabet, and among cultist Nazis, the number “8-8” signifies “Heil Hitler.”
So Trump obviously planned for the two losers to go on shooting sprees in early August, so that he could order flags to be lowered then, so that he could order them to be raised later… on August 8th! 8/8. Get it?
Hey, on a related note, do you know what members of the animal kingdom are the most sympathetic to National Socialism? (And no, it’s not anti-Semitic lemurs. That’s too obvious. Hang your head in shame for even guessing that.)
The answer is the octopus.
As Frank Fugliuzzi could tell you, an octopus has 8 limbs. So when two octopi get together, put on a Marvin Gaye record, and make some sweet cephalopod love… the obvious number involved is 8-8, and the result is a veritable nautical Nuremberg! Do you think it’s a coincidence that the top Nazis were famously enthralled by tentacle porn? Duh! Wake up, people!
Okay, that got a little weird.
But not as weird as Exhibit C: the Democratic Socialists convention that took place in Atlanta last weekend.
By now you’ve heard all kinds of hilarious details that arose from this cavalcade of misfits. How they unironically call each other “comrade” in 2019. The way they all agreed to do “jazz hands” rather than applauding, so that those among them who are hyper-sensitive to sound wouldn’t be tormented by… clapping.
But the most entertaining detail for me was when one beta male asked that people not talk amongst themselves, because he is easily triggered by background noise. But he started his mewling statement with the words, “Guys, can we…”
So naturally some loon in the cheap seats said, “Can you NOT use gendered language? If I hear the word ‘guys’ one more time from Comrade Patriarchy up there, I’m going to clap my hands, which will send you into a seizure that leaves you curled up on the floor in a fetal position!”
I paraphrased that a bit, but I believe I caught the essence of it.
But I left out something crucial. This is how the beta male began his statement: “Um, guys, first of all, James Jackson, Sacramento, he/him…”
This “giving your pronouns” practice is a grammatical offshoot of the “gender is a social construct” anti-scientific goofiness that has recently become required thinking on the left. But it’s also indicative of the leftist mania for controlling people in general. If you’re a baker, you must be forced to bake a cake for a gay wedding. If you’re a pro-life employer, you must be forced to pay for your employees’ abortions. And you can’t put salt on that, or buy a drink in a cup that’s too big, or drink it with a plastic straw. Etc.
But the absurdity involved in “choosing your pronouns” allows the left to do some especially satisfying linguistic bullying. When a person stands before you, and he’s built like a Clemson starting strong safety, with a beard as thick as a whale omelette, and he tells you that his pronouns are “she” and “her,” that’s an intimidation move. It’s meant to force you to either meekly say something that you know is not true, or take the social and political consequences of “traumatizing” someone from a protected victim group.
Even a year or two ago, this would have been so absurd that no one would take it seriously. But now it’s mandatory, and an emotionally satisfying way for pinched, humorless scolds on the left to virtue signal.
Case in point, re: humorless scolds — Just a few weeks ago, Liz Warren changed her campaign website to include “she/her” as her pronouns. If I had any talent at computers, I’d hack into her website and add, “Her noun used to be ‘papoose,’ but now it is ‘squaw.’” #wemustneverstopmockingher
In fact, I’d like to take a page from the lefties’ handbook. If they can choose their own pronouns, I should be able to choose my own parts of speech.
So I have.
For my pronouns, I’m going Old Testament: “thee/thou/thine.” From now on, my adjectives are going to be “brilliant” and “handsome.” And I’ve chosen my adverb, too: “breathtakingly.”
Also, my title is henceforth, “Your Excellency.”
I can’t wait to get emails from my lefty colleagues at work, so I can correct the hell out of them. Within a week or two, I’m going to bully them into sending inter-office emails like this:
“To: Martin Simpson
I wanted to touch base with thee about thy breathtakingly brilliant memo of last Monday, as well as how breathtakingly handsome thou appeared at thy presentation at the weekend conference. Could I stop by thine office to meet thee for a few minutes later today?”
In fact, I think I might also start picking other peoples’ titles.
For my co-workers, I like the sound of “Thy Humble Servant.”