As this pandemic wears on, I find myself making up games to pass the time. Today’s game is to choose the “Worst Performance by a Leftist in the Last Fortnight.”
I have chosen three nominees:
#1. Andrew Cuomo. Cuomo is a terrible leftist governor. He’s probably no more terrible than IL leftist governor J.B. “already overweight interior lineman who retired and really let himself go” Pritzker, or than CA leftist governor Gavin “Christian Bale in American Psycho” Newsom.
But what’s extra galling about Cuomo is how the press contorts itself to cover him as if he’s done a great job throughout the pandemic. When he says exactly the same things that Trump says, they call Trump a dolt and Cuomo a genius. And they haven’t noticed that Cuomo forced old people with the virus to be sent back to their nursing homes. Then when a disproportionate number of deaths came from the nursing homes… nothing.
When he finally ordered that subway cars be taken out of service for a few hours to be sanitized – in May! Seven weeks after the country has gone into lockdown! – nothing again.
Think about that. Imagine that you took your average 7-year-old – someone who is only two grades ahead of AOC, mentally speaking – and gave her a 10-minute Sesame Street-level explanation of the virus. Just the high points: it spreads through the air, can survive for a while on hard surfaces in an enclosed environment, and kills mostly old people who are in close proximity to each other. If you then asked that 7-year-old what you should do to protect people from the virus, she would say – in an adorable lisp, because a bunch of her baby teeth have recently been coming out – “Shut down the subways and close off the nursing homes.”
How did Governor Cuomo or Mayor DiBlasio answer that same question? “Impeach Donald Trump, and send us a plane filled with pallets of cash in unmarked, non-sequential bills.”
I had thought that Cuomo had been as terrible as he could possibly be at his job. But on Tuesday, May 5th, 2020 – a day that should live in infamy – he gave a press conference in which he summed up leftism more perfectly than anything that has ever been said (except maybe Stalin’s dictum that, “Death is the solution to all problems. No man – no problem.”)
Because NY is a deep blue state, its greedy government treats citizens the way a pimp treats his hookers: every question from the downtrodden citizen is answered by a balled-up fist and a scream of, “GIVE ME MY F-IN’ MONEY!!” Coincidentally, NY has a law that says that anyone who works for more than 14 days in the state has to pay NY’s exorbitant state income tax.
I know that you can see where this is going, even if you have to look at it through the fingers of the hand you are holding in front of your face, like it was a horror movie. Which it basically is.
Cuomo appeared on tv for weeks moaning that the pandemic was decimating his state, and begging medical personnel from around the country to please, please, PLEASE come and help the desperate New Yorkers. Cuomo got what he asked for. Trump sent $7.5 billion, a hospital ship and half of the ventilators in the Western hemisphere, and good-hearted nurses and doctors and other Ameri-CANs from around the country — who, because their governors were smart enough NOT to force infected, feverish octogenarians back into nursing homes like so many wrinkly biological weapons, while maintaining a 24-7 rolling infect-atorium train system, were able to leave their home states – heeded Cuomo’s call, and went to New York to help.
Then, on May 5th, someone asked whether those big-hearted heroes from around the country would have to pay the extortionate leftist tax rate during the time they were there, literally saving the lives of New Yorkers.
Upon hearing that question, Cuomo turned to an assistant, who produced a floor-length purple velvet robe with a white mink collar, and draped it over the governor’s shoulders. Then she lowered an enormous canary-yellow fedora with an iridescent ostrich feather in its band onto his head, and handed him an onyx cane with a gigantic cut-glass knob on its end. And Cuomo raised the cane over his head as though to strike the cowering reporter and screamed, “”WHERE’S MY MONEY?! GIVE ME MY F-IN’ MONEY, BEE-YOTCH!”
Okay, that’s a paraphrase.
What he actually said, and I swear I am not making this up, was, “We’re not in a position to provide any more subsidies right now because we have a $13 billion deficit. So, there’s a lot of good things I would like to do, and if we get federal funding, we can do, but it would be irresponsible for me to sit here looking at a $13 billion deficit and say, ‘I’m going to spend more money when I can’t even pay the essential services.'”
Sit and marinate in that for a moment. He’s presided over a state that confiscates a mountain of taxes and still runs up huge structural deficits, while providing mediocre schools, crumbling infrastructure, filthy subways and increasing crime. When a pandemic hits he suddenly feels the sobering pinch of fiscal responsibility – which he believes should be provided via a bailout from the federal government (i.e. us) – and doesn’t even have the basic decency to be grateful to those who came to his rescue.
And did you notice how he described the taxes he was being asked NOT to gouge out of the rescuers? He didn’t say, “I can’t afford NOT to financially rape these selfless people;” he said that he couldn’t afford to “provide [them] subsidies!” And at the end, he said that allowing them to not pay his extra tax would be the same as “spend[ing] more money.” He has the bone-deep leftist conceit that what you earn is not yours (you didn’t build that!) – it’s the government’s, and you should be grateful for anything that they let you keep. So a tax cut isn’t letting you keep more of what is already yours – it is “spending” what rightly belongs to your greedy government, and to the collective for which it stands.
He’s an unholy combination of angry pimp, entitled welfare cheat, and surly, ungrateful teenager. Andrew Cuomo, ladies and gentlemen.
Nominee #2 – The late Joe Biden, who during his interview with Mika was asked about the Tara Reade allegations. (By the way, I am able to spell Mika’s last name. But I refuse to, by invoking Simpson’s 3rd Law of Spelling: People with two non-consecutive ‘Z’s in their last name are not entitled to anyone spelling it, ever. Phil Rizzuto, yes. Mika, no.) To my amazement, Mika asked Biden a legitimate question: you joined the #metoo movement in insisting that if any woman ever makes an accusation of sexual misconduct, we must “believe the woman.” So shouldn’t we believe Tara Reade?
The posthumous VP came back with an answer that turned the hypocrisy up to 11: “I’m not suggesting she had no right to come forward. Any woman, they should come forward, they should be heard. And then it should be investigated.”
Whoa there, Plugsy McRovingFingers! What’s this about investigation? There’s no investigation in “believe all women!” They speak, we believe, end of story. Even Mika noticed that glaring inconsistency. So she came back with the question again. And Joey Gaffes fumbled it again.
“Look, women are to be believed, given the benefit of the doubt.” Stop right there! If you are believed, there is NO doubt. Belief and doubt are opposites. It’s like saying, “Women are to be trusted – comma — called filthy liars.”
But Joe staggered onwards. “If they come forward and say something that they said happened to them, they should start off with the presumption that they’re telling the truth.” This is why I never made it through law school; on an exam, I answered that the ACCUSED has the presumption of innocence. Turns out it was the ACCUSER, according to Judge Joe. I was so close.
But Joe goes on: “Then you have to look at the circumstances and the facts.” No, no, no, NO! They speak – we believe! That’s it. No investigation, no doubt, no looking at circumstances.
I never thought I’d say this, but that Joe Biden answer is worse than his answer when the portly Iowa voter asked about his degenerate, kleptomaniacal, brother’s-widow-jumping son, way back in 20-clickety-clack: “Look, fat–. Get your facts straight, jack!”
Nominee #3 — Texas Judge Eric Moye.
By now you’ve all heard the story: salon owner Shelley Luther decided that after 7 weeks of being locked down, she was going to open her salon a week before politicians deigned to give their permission. She ended up in front of Judge Moye.
I would generally sympathize with a judge in his situation. Luther had publicly defied the executive order, tearing up the notice she had received in front of media and supporters. Because I am a conservative and thus have a general default setting of respect for the law, I could see why the judge might have to rule against her. Many of the executive orders during this pandemic are constitutionally murky, and are being challenged everywhere; I hope that when all the legal dust is settled, many (if not most of them) are slapped down. But as long as they are the law of the land, there is least an argument that she required some form of legal reprimand.
But that wasn’t enough for this judge. (“I wonder what party he is a lifelong member of?” you are not asking yourself, because you already know.) He climbed onto the bench, and then climbed further up onto his high horse, and then yet further up onto a pulpit – which was precariously balanced on the back of his high horse, somehow — and gave Luther a lecture, all the while shaking his orb and his scepter at her, and referring to himself with the royal “we.”
He told her that deciding to open her business was “selfish,” but he offered her the chance to avoid jail time. All she had to do was apologize in a way pleasing to his highness.
Her apology must include her admission that, and I quote His Pompousness, “you now see the error of your ways, and understand that the society cannot function where one’s own belief in a concept of ‘liberty’ permits you to flaunt your disdain for the rulings of duly elected officials.”
He’s right, of course. Why, if you allowed behavior like that, you might be starting down a slippery slope until you end up in the dystopian future of — oh, let’s say 7 years ago — when city and state governments all over the country will [did] defy the nation’s crucially important immigration laws. They might even declare themselves to be “sanctuary” cities or states, and resist federal authorities’ attempts to enforce those laws. If this rogue hairdresser is allowed to flaunt her flagrant haircutting – with its attendant unconstitutional mask wearing, social distancing and sanitizing – who knows what kinds of volleys of rubber bullets and educational tasering this judge would never require us to use against those disruptive creeps?
There are your nominees, folks. I know it’s a tough choice: all three of these arrogant lefties are displaying brain cells that have been practicing social distancing. But there can be only one winner, so please vote early and often.
Avenatti/Bishop Don Magic Juan (Google him) 2020!