I’m still working on a few columns with some thoughts on optimism vs. pessimism. But in the meantime, I’m blowing off a little steam with some thoughts on some leftist bad actors from the last four days…
Let’s start today with a quick round of “Stupid or Liar?” Invented by Adam Carolla, this bit involves considering a ridiculous statement by a public figure and trying to decide whether that person is stupid enough to believe that statement, or just a creepy liar.
First player: Ali Velshi – which sounds like a delicious, exotic Middle Eastern dish, but is sadly just a hack MSNBC reporter. He did a live shot over the weekend from Minneapolis, during which he had the “protestors, not rioters” leftist party line down pat, saying, “I want to be clear on how I characterize this. This is mostly a protest. It is not, generally speaking, unruly…” As these words were coming out of his mouth, he was standing in front of a raging fire destroying several buildings, and he had just mentioned that he could see four fires (one in a police station) from where he stood.
Ali Velshi: Stupid or Liar? (“Succulent entre that goes well with hummus” has been removed from your quiz choices.)
Second player: “Worst Governor Ever” contestant Gretchen Whitmer. Until 10 minutes ago, Michiganders had to stay in their houses until after the election to avoid the deadly reach of the Trump virus.
Cut to yesterday, when Whitmer said that in the wake of George Floyd’s death (and considering that fanning flames of racial hatred will help her nihilistic party in November), she is “encouraging communities across Michigan to designate areas for peaceful demonstrations.” Got that? If you’re a law-abiding citizen trying to work and take care of your family and pay taxes, stepping out of your house means that you’re a selfish monster who wants to KILL US ALL! But if you want to steal a bunch of stuff that you aren’t willing to work and pay for, feel free to create a kleptomaniacal conga line and scream spittle-producing slogans into each other’s faces.
Old Whitmer motto: Covid – Destroyer of Humanity! New Whitmer motto: Covid, schmovid.
Gretchen Whitmer: Stupid or Liar?
Third player: Leftist imbecile and ex-ESPN writer Chris Palmer. On May 28th, Palmer tweeted a pic of a Minneapolis public housing building on fire, writing, “Burn that s**t down. Burn it all down.” Two days later, the peaceful protesters started bringing their arson-y ways to pricey Rodeo Drive. It turns out that Palmer is something of a pampered little rich wuss who happens to live there. So did he tweet out his support for his rioting buddies, and drop a Molotov cocktail onto the silk sheets on his king-size bed in his spacious master bedroom with the tray ceilings to start the Rodeo Revolution?
Spoiler alert: he did not.
In fact, he tweeted, “I’m as down for the cause as anybody…. [But] trying to loot Rodeo Drive is probably the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. I’m as angry as everyone else. But keep that s**t in [downtown] LA.” When the peace-loving civil rights activists got closer, Princess Palmer panicked. “[They] destroyed a Starbucks and are now in front of my building. Get these animals the f**k out of my neighborhood.”
Who are you calling “animals,” Chrissy? And who are you asking to remove them for you? It couldn’t be the brutal, racist cops, could it? Because you are down for the cause, right?
Chris Palmer: Stupid or Liar?’
Please submit your answers in the Comments section below!
I want to close with the continuing adventures of the Dearly Departed Joe Biden (born in 19-clickety-clack, died in 2019).
On Monday, ol’ Joe escaped his handlers and ended up in a Delaware Bethel AME church (in this case, “AME” stands for “addled and mentally elsewhere”), where he waxed eloquent with his ideas of how the cops should be doing their jobs – ideas drawn from his zero years of being a cop.
(But he did watch a lot of “Car 54 Where Are You,” “Mannix,” and that one where the detective was that fat guy. Quincy too, that was another one, where Klugman looks like he’s examining a dead body, but then the camera pulls back and you see that she’s a cute blonde in a bikini? Mmmm, I’d like to sniff her hair and creep her out, and that’s no malarkey! Oh, Frank Cannon. That was the fat detective. I bet he could wrap his arms around Corn Pop and squeeze him until he passed out. Rockford Files was a good one too. I wonder what Jill is making for lunch?)
Sorry about that. I wrote this column with my wizard hat on, and it temporarily gave me direct access to Joe Biden’s interior monologue. (There’s more sound of wind and rolling tumbleweeds in there than you might expect.) (Or, maybe, just as much as you might expect.)
Back to Biden, and this quote of his, which I swear to you on the life of Cassie the Wonder dog I am not making up: “Instead of standing there and teaching a cop when there’s an unarmed person comin’ at ’em with a knife or something to shoot ’em in the leg instead of the heart is a very different thing.”
There is a lot of nonsense in that non-sentence.
First, he describes “an unarmed person” coming at a cop with “a knife or something.” Ummmm. Do you think that Joe might think that “unarmed” means a guy without arms, maybe from a birth defect, or an industrial accident? But then how would he carry the knife? Not to mention the “something?”
Second, if Joe were choosing body parts to target when dealing with these gutless looters, why not advise the cops to aim for the groin? (Ladies and gentlemen, insert your own “aim small, miss small” joke here. Hat tip to Mel Gibson in The Patriot.)
Third, it’s something of a common trope for people who have never seen combat or served in the military or been in a police force — or been attacked by another person, or ever fired a gun — to fantasize about how they would handle a split-second, high-stakes decision. In the real world, a masked member of the Democrat voting base is sprinting toward you, screaming obscenities and threats – as one does when one is deeply committed to mourning the death of George Floyd – and his flying spittle might contain covid, and also rabies, and probably an alphabet soup of STDs. Plus he’s got that knife in one hand and that something in the other!
In that same real world, you’d try to clear the holster in time, and aim for center mass.
But in the fantasy world of Walter Mitty Biden, you’ve got all the time in the world. You’re like one of those snipers in a church steeple in a WWII movie. You watch the charging maniac calmly, while you lick your thumb, and use it to click the screw on the top of your scope to adjust for windage and elevation. Then you center the crosshairs on the miscreant’s leg and fire a shot that misses the bone and all major blood vessels, and brings him peacefully to the ground. He looks up at you in gratitude, as you help him back to his feet, and tell him that you share his commitment to fight the vicious, systemic racism that has made America such a Mordor-ian hellscape.
Good lord, I think that wizard hat damaged some of my synapses by putting me in Biden’s headspace, even for a few seconds!
Anyway, why would anyone take firearms advice from Plugsy McRovingfingers? Back in 2013, when he could still fog a mirror, Biden advised people to use shotguns. He told a young questioner, “if you want to protect yourself, get a double barreled shotgun…. I promise you, as I told my wife, we live in an area that’s wooded and somewhat secluded. I said, Jill, if there’s ever a problem, just walk out on the balcony here, walk out, put [up] that double barreled shotgun and fire two blasts outside the house.”
So I guess if the cops were listening to Biden, they’d be carrying shotguns? In which case, I’d like to witness them using his aiming strategy. I’d stand well clear of the rioting thug, while a cop fired a double-barreled shotgun at his leg. Then I’d play my sad trombone – which I never leave home without, especially when I’m going to a riot — as the surprised would-be murderer slowly canted to one side, and then fell in the direction of the leg he used to have.
I might even say something like, “Hey Ahab, aren’t you glad that cop aimed at your leg, like Joey Gaffes told him to? By the way, can I have your shoe, since you’re not going to be using it anymore?
Now that I think about it – and I never thought I’d ever say this – maybe Joe Biden is on to something.
Avenatti / Peg-Legged Looter, 2020!