For our nation, this looks to be one of the most depressing Independence Days ever.
After a month of peaceful rioting dedicated to the memory of George Floyd and the chance to pick up a big screen tv without paying for it – and also screaming Covid-ridden clouds of spittle and anti-American hatred into the faces of fellow mouth-breathers – our nation’s radical leftists have moved on to denouncing Mount Rushmore, the Paw Patrol cartoon, and white Jesus.
(By the way, if some pale rapper hasn’t adopted the stage name “White Jesus,” I am sorely disappointed in the entire white rapper community. All eight of them.)
So for big swaths of our country, this will be a downer of a holiday weekend.
But for those of us in the CO nation – optimistic, successful, owners of Wonder Dogs and marryers-up – we few, we happy few, we band of brothers and sisters — it will be another chance to celebrate our great good fortune to have been born in the greatest country on earth, founded by some flawed humans who were still giants on the political and philosophical stage.
So as I wish you all a Happy Independence Day, I thought I’d share a story that fills me with joy. You may have already seen it, but if not, prepare for a shot of schadenfreude-tastic pleasure.
Our story begins earlier this week, when recent Harvard graduate Claira Janover posted a video on TikTok. (Is it a coincidence that her first name is spelled wrong, or another proof of Simpson’s Law of Stupidly Spelled Names™ being a clue to low character? Read on, and decide for yourself.)
I know that I’m not part of her target audience, because I think “TikTok” is the sound a clock makes. If I remember correctly, that was right between the cow and the duck on my childhood See ’n Say.
But apparently TikTok is also some sort of internet-ty thing that lets thick-headed youngsters share their not share-worthy thoughts. (You can tell that it’s a new thing, because neither “tick” nor “tock” are spelled correctly, even though they are both one-syllable words.) (Also, get off my lawn.)
So on Monday, brave social justice warrior Claira posted a bombastic video of herself expressing her brilliant political thoughts. I’ll dissect it below, but if you haven’t seen it already, Google “Harvard grad tiktok video,” and treat yourself.
As she wags her finger in the camera, she says, “The next person who has the sheer nerve, the sheer entitled caucasity (she really hits that made-up word hard) to say ‘all lives matter,’ I’mma stab you.” (Here she mimics making a knife thrust toward the camera, and then repeats it.) “I’mma a stab you (more aggressive hand gestures here), and while you’re struggling and bleeding out, I’mma show you my paper cut…” and here she holds up her little finger and creates a close-up and speaks with faux sincerity, “…my cut matters too.”
So what do we know about Janover?
- She’s a Harvard graduate.
- She speaks like a high school dropout.
- She’s the kind of nasty piece of work who is completely comfortable with threatening to stab to death anyone who disagrees with her politically.
A few days later, after her video had been widely shared, it came to the attention of the management of Deloitte, a gigantic accounting firm that had hired her for a job that was to start in September. And because that company apparently frowns upon prospective employees who routinely threaten to murder people, they fired her.
To which the only reasonable response is… HA! HA HA HA! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
So a day later, Janover made another video. And I know that you are probably guessing that in it, she either stuck to her guns defiantly, or else apologized for her repulsive original video. You would be wrong on both counts.
If you look up the term “crybully” in the dictionary, you should find Janover’s second video.
It opens with her lying on a couch – because this isn’t the 19th century, it is not a fainting couch. It’s a 21st century whining couch – with a close-up on her tear-streaked face. Let’s dissect her deliciously clueless drivel.
“Trump supporters just took my job away from me.”
Boom! Right off the bat, she’s doing the most self-defeating thing she could possibly do: blame other people for her own actions, and their logical and commensurate results.
“I’ve gotten death threats, rape threats, violent threats….”
I will bravely go on the record as being against death threats. But Sweet Pea, you just got done making a video in which you THREATENED TO STAB PEOPLE TO DEATH AND THEN MOCK THEM AS THEY DIED! Because they disagree with your hateful politics.
“My entire future is compromised because Trump supporters have decided to come for my life….” Again, blame others. Also, you are whining because a bunch of internet trolls are threatening to do to you… exactly what you just threatened to do to Trump supporters!
“I’m too strong for any of you ‘all lives matter’ racist Trump supporters…”
Yes. Because nothing says “strength” like crying like a toddler who had her pacifier – or in this case, her job offer from Deloitte – taken away.
“It sucks, but it doesn’t suck as much as systemic racism. I’m not going to stop using my platform to advocate for it.”
Um. Either her grammar is as bad as I think it is, or she just proclaimed that she is going to use her platform to advocate for systemic racism.
She closes by addressing her once-future employer. “I’m sorry Deloitte that you can’t see that. That you were cowardice enough to fight somebody who’s going to make an indelible change in the world, and who’s going to have an impact.”
She’s a Harvard graduate, but she thinks that “cowardice” is an adjective.
Also, “making a change” and “having an impact” are bland generalities that tell us nothing. Attila the Hun and Lenin both made an indelible change in the world, and Ted Bundy and Harvey Weinstein both had an impact. You poorly educated dolt.
Because we live in upside-down world, a bunch of boneheads have come to Janover’s defense, and sent money to her. Some young miscreants who either work at Deloitte or are scheduled to have stated their support for this would-be homicidal knife-woman, and started a #firemetoo campaign.
Dear Deloitte management: This is a golden opportunity for you. Seek out all of the dullard crybullies who have supported “#firemetoo” and grant them their wish. You will increase your company’s bottom line and median IQ at the same time.
Avenatti/Janover 2020!
Happy Independence Day, CO Nation!
Martin Simpson 