This is a very busy time of year for me, and between quarantine, watching oh-so-peaceful rioters trying to burn half our cities down, and the very real possibility that the late Joe Biden might be our next president, I’ve been a little stressed.
And when I get stressed, I’ve found that several activities help. Prayer is great. Yelling at the television if it accidentally lands on anything other than HGTV or the History channel is good. Walking Cassie the Wonder Dog is pretty therapeutic. And let’s not overlook the medicinal properties of Scotch. Sweet, sweet Scotch.
So last night, after saying my prayers and walking Cassie – I paused outside a house where I could see cute little guy Rachel Maddow on the screen to yell, “Hey, watching that is going to cost you IQ points that you probably can’t afford to lose!” — I settled down back at home with a glass of purely medicinal Scotch, and took a quick look at Cautious Optimism, to see what the smart people on the internet are saying.
The CO site, as usual, was a font of wisdom. Lots of good stories, loads of insightful commentary, CO wisely praising Trump for moving against the Feds wasting tax money on the racist scam that is Critical Race Theory by mentioning that Trump’s ancestors evidently came from Gonadistan. Good stuff.
By the way, I’ve got an easy solution that would fix all of our race problems, and without lighting mountains of cash on fire and dancing around them chanting, “Kill all whites except for the Dem nominee for president!” Which seems to be Plan A right now.
Call all federal employees into one huge Zoom meeting, and put the following three bullet points on a Powerpoint slide: 1. All Lives Matter. 2. Judge people on the content of their character, not the color of their skin. 3. Treat everyone like you want to be treated.
There you go. No need to spend hundreds of millions of dollars and employ otherwise unemployable racial arsonist bureaucratic hacks.
Just adhere to a little common sense, a few wise words from MLK, and a central teaching of Uncle Jesus that has stood the test of time in cultures all over the world (there’s a reason it’s not called “the Tinfoil Rule,” people), and most of the problems in our society would diminish as far as they can, in a society filled with flawed humans.
So now that I’ve solved the problems of racial conflict, I’ll move on to a little segment I’m calling “Schadenfraude Sunday!” This is my attempt to find some silver linings among all of the dark clouds that are besetting our country right now.
Out of sensitivity to our ongoing racial troubles, my examples today are going to be Caucasian-heavy. And you can’t get more Caucasian than to start with a couple of redheads behaving badly.
Redhead #1 is a little darling named Clara Kraebber. Sure, she’s got the name of a Nazi concentration camp guard, but she is actually the offspring of a couple of lefty elites in NYC. Mom and dad are multimillionaire academics with a ritzy house in Connecticut and a fashionable address in NYC. (Though that address is probably less fashionable now that groundhog-murderer DiBlasio is hard at work turning the city into an unlivable hell-hole.)
Somehow she was never taught right from wrong, and so she was caught and arrested yesterday as part of a leftist mob of peaceful BLM rioters who were destroying Manhattan buildings in a peacefully violent rampage.
Or was that a violently peaceful rampage? Or a rampage that began peacefully, and then intensified into murderous violence? It’s hard to keep my terminology straight, without giant dishonest human thumb Brian Stelter here to instruct me.
So here’s your chance to live up to your principles, super-white terrible parents, and reject your white privilege. Let little Clara get a public defender, earn the conviction she deserves, and spend a decade or so with her fellow Marxist co-religionists in the Big House, contemplating the error of her ways.
Redhead #2 is a fellow named Matthew Banta, who apparently has no more testosterone than Clara Kraebber. He was supposed to be a real tough guy, going by the nom de guerre “Commander Red,” and having been arrested and charged with a variety of weapons violations and general arse-holery in previous riots.
Well, Commander Pinko jumped bail on those charges and made his way to Green Bay, where on August 31st he was leading some troops into what they thought would be their favorite kind of fracas: assaulting a bunch of senior citizens in MAGA hats and ladies having tea in sidewalk cafes. And if you know anything about taking on some non-violent senior citizens, you know that you’ve got to come heavy!
Which is why Banta was armed with, among other things, a flame thrower.
I am not friending with you. That bad mother-friender had a friending flame thrower!
So when his band of revolutionary bad arses came across a group of police, instead of the anticipated group of octogenarians bussed in from the Senior Center, what do you think Big Boy Banta did?
- Hit the cops with molten fire, like DiCaprio in the war movie scene in “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood?”
- Drop the flamethrower, pull out two six shooters and go down in a heroic Bonnie and Clyde-style gunfight, screaming, “Top of World, ma!”
If you picked either of those options, you are wrong. Because Captain Antifa actually chose…
C: He curled up in a fetal position and cried, like the Cry Bully he is.
I am not making that up. Read the news accounts, and behold his booking picture, in which he rocks less of a beard and mustache than I was able to grow at age 12, and even less pigment than beard.
If Matthew Banta could somehow impregnate Clara Kraebber, their child would be almost as white as Grandma Squanto! (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
In other peaceful rioter news, the creep who murdered the Trump supporter in Portland last week was cornered by the cops on Thursday. He at least proved that he had more stones than Matthew Banta – I know what you’re thinking: Uma Thurman has more stones than Matthew Banta – and shot it out with the cops, getting his well-deserved fatal dose of lead poisoning.
Though the story of the murder he committed was really tragic, even that dark story was instructive. Right after the killing, some leftist jerks on twitter claimed that the dead man was an Antifa martyr, killed by a right-wing fascist.
Then, when it turned out to be the opposite, one of the peaceful nihilists took to a bullhorn in front of a crowd and gloated about the murder, calling it, “taking out the trash.”
Other riot-sympathizers, realizing that celebrating murder might not be a good look to the deplorables you’re trying to trick into voting for you, tried to disassociate themselves from the killer:
Leftist Spokes-creep: “Let’s not rush to judgment. We don’t even know if the killer is affiliated with Antifa.”
The Internet: Here’s a screen shot of his social media accounts, with “100% Antifa” emblazoned on them.
LSC: “Crap. Okay, but he has nothing to do with BLM.”
The Internet: Have a look at this picture of him, with a giant BLM raised-fist tattoo on his evil neck.
LSC: “Ummm…. Racism?”
Story #4: You may remember the feel-good story from late May, when a peaceful rioter with a Molotov cocktail in Fayetteville NC managed to set himself on fire, causing good people everywhere to gasp, and then say, “HA! HAHA! HAHAHA!!!”
Well, yesterday in Portland – as part of a life-affirming celebration of the 100th consecutive day of rioting – another peaceful leftist rioter demonstrated the “throw like a girl” technique (no offense to actual women, nearly all of whom I am quite sure could throw better than this guy.) (Even the thug who got most of his right arm blown off in Kenosha last week could probably throw better than this guy.) (Which reminds me: HA!)
The result: he actually embodied the old line about anarchist America-haters: he became a “liar, liar, sweatpants on fire.”
You’ve got to have a heart of stone to watch that video and not laugh. Because it turns out that “Stop, drop, and shriek like a bee-yotch” is actually surprisingly ineffective when you’ve demonstrated how offended by racism you are by lighting your clumsy self on fire.
What is it with young leftists and fire? You’d think that after years of burning American flags, they’d be able to make a flamethrower work, or know how to throw a Molotov cocktail, wouldn’t you?
I realize that this column is getting long – the most consistent criticism I get is that my pieces are too long! – so I’ll end with this one, and maybe post a part 2 in a couple of days.
As my wife was watching some horse-racing stuff on tv before the Kentucky Derby, I caught the name of one of the horses: NY Traffic.
I’m not a huge fan of horse racing, but horses are obviously magnificent animals – watching horses or a herd of horses in a race or cavalry charge seems to me to be another proof of the existence of God – and I’ve always enjoyed the odd and whimsical names that owners give their race horses.
But “NY Traffic” – a perennial complaint of city dwellers – stood out as really unusual. Who names a horse after an urban irritation?
Then I daydreamed about what it would be like – after this summer of our discontent – to hear a race being called, in which all of the horses were realistically named after the miserable failings of our leftist-run cities?
“NY Traffic, Torched Business District, Covid Schmovid and Piles of Human Waste are neck and neck on the inside. Homeless Encampment makes a move on the outside, but the jockey on Mounds of Used Syringes is going to the whip!”
“On the backstretch, Capital Flight and Nihilistic Slogans are making up ground!”
As they enter the final stretch, it looks like it’s going to come down to Torched Business District and Nihilistic Slogans—”
“No, wait! Mindless Violence is streaking by on the outside, like someone took a flamethrower to him! It’s Mindless Violence in a photo finish, followed by Torched Business District, Nihilistic Slogans and Capital Flight.”
“If you’ve still got your betting sheet, remember that Patriotic Pride and Sane Tax Policy were scratched before the race began.”
Avenatti/ Johnny Human Torch Rioter 2020!