I like to think that I’m in the “one-part commentary, two-parts mockery” business. And brother, business is booming! On Friday, I was trying to recap some of Biden’s latest escapades when the Rittenhouse verdict came in.
After listening to some Ray Charles singing “O Happy Day!” and bounding around the house with Cassie the Wonder Dog like a couple of loons, I sat down to write up some final thoughts on that case. And soon I had enough material for multiple columns.
Since the main complaint about my disquisitions is that they can be too long (How dare you!), I thought I’d break my snarky thoughts into three separate columns, and post them over the next three days. Consider this my Thanksgiving gift to the CO nation!
So remember last week, when I said that at least Thomas Binger hadn’t pooped on himself in the courtroom? Well I spoke too soon.
Because during closing arguments he treated that courtroom the way Joe Biden treated the Pope’s private quarters – the fecal matter was flying like it had been piped through a pressurized sprinkler system!
That had to be the worst legal self-immolation since the ink was fresh on the Magna Carta. (With the possible exception of that time when Mike Nifong ended up getting disbarred and going to jail because of how badly he botched the Duke lacrosse case.)
Where to begin?
As part of his rambling, delusional, dishonest closing statement, he praised the rioters in Kenosha, calling them “a crowd full of heroes.”
This is WAY worse than what the dishonest MSM claimed that Trump said when he referred to “good people on both sides” in Charlottesville. (He was talking about the two sides in the debate over removing confederate statues. Go to the video tape, because two sentences later he said, “And I’m not talking about the white nationalists, who should be condemned totally.”)
Because Binger wasn’t even saying that there are good people on both sides; he’s saying that ALL of the “heroes” were on the side of the looting, rioting arsonists, apparently including the frighteningly high proportion of felons and sex offenders among them.
He also came up with a very weird take on what self-defense means, starting with a non-sequitur: “You cannot claim self-defense against a danger you create…. If you’re the one who’s threatening others, you lose the right to claim self-defense.”
That might be true, except that it is manifestly NOT what happened in this case. Rittenhouse didn’t make the three felons dangerous – they were raping kids, beating up women and racking up felonies before Rittenhouse could even walk – and he wasn’t threatening anybody.
Then Binger invented a novel restriction on self-defense, stating that,“You lose the right to self-defense when you’re the one who brought the gun.”
Now I may not be some fancy law-talking guy (hat tip to Lionel Hutz from the Simpsons), but even I know that that doesn’t make sense. A gun is often the best means of self-defense; you might even say that it’s often a pre-requisite for self-defense. So carrying it can obviously not invalidate your right to defend yourself with it!
Like, you know, if three felons attack you. On video.
Then, because he hadn’t stomped on enough rakes, Binger tried to rehabilitate Rapey Rosenbaum, and cast him as a victim. He adopted an obnoxious, sarcastic, sing-songy dismissal of the import of Rosenbaum’s actions that night: “He set a small fire. He swung a chain. He pushed a dumpster out into the street to create a roadblock.”
Those are all crimes, you idiot! They might not be mass murder or war crimes, but they are the kinds of things that a mob of a-holes did as they were destroying your jurors’ hometown last year!
Then he said, “And he also said the n word,” and literally made a “tsk tsk” sound, and wagged his finger. As if he were talking about something so trivial that it’s ridiculous to even mention.
Has he not lived in this country for the last couple of decades? Saying “the n word” gets people thrown out of society; it gets you disinvited to a college you’ve already been accepted into, and gets you fired from your job. It ruins your life.
The entire leftist commentariat and MSM want uttering it to be almost a capital offense! They want Rittenhouse’s life – and the life of every cop, celebrity, sportscaster and streetsweeper who has ever said that word – destroyed. The worst thing they can call you – worse than pedophile, or jihadist, or serial killer – is a white supremacist.
And an old tweet with that word in it, even if it comes from when you were 13 years old and quoting rap lyrics, brands you as a white supremacist.
In fact, I won’t even allow myself to type or say the word, nor will anyone else. We speak in hushed tones, and say “the n word,” like we’re orthodox Jews typing G_d, or Christians refusing to take His name in vain.
Meanwhile, Sophocles Binger is joking about what a trivial thing it is, and at the same time reminding the jury that the deceased child rapist said that word a lot! And not back when he was in junior high, but within an hour or so before he attacked Kyle Rittenhouse on the night he was justifiably shot.
Oh, and Binger also pointed a rifle at the jury, with his finger on the trigger, like a lunatic.
When Binger sat down, shiny with flop sweat, and Rittenhouse’s attorney whispered to the other prosecutor – I don’t want to body shame, but he’s the one shaped like Chris Farley without the talent – “I’ll bet you cannot possibly do a worse job than the Bingster just did!”
And Tommy Boy said, “Hold this enormous turkey leg and giant Big Gulp, and watch this.”
And he stood up and gave yet another metaphysically horrendous closing. At one point he suggested that even if Rittenhouse’s three attackers might have intended to assault him, “Everybody takes a beating sometimes, right? Sometimes you get in a scuffle, and maybe you do get hurt a little bit. That doesn’t mean that you can just start plugging people…”
And I can only infer that the normal cheeseheads on that jury thought, “The hell it doesn’t!”
We’re Americans! We don’t shrink from a necessary fight, and we are not in the “taking avoidable beatings” business. Which is why the geniuses who founded our country wrote the 2nd amendment. Has Mr. Lives-in-a-van-down-by-the-River never read any American history?
When General Cornwallis told us rustics that we were just going to have to take a Redcoat-administered beating, we introduced him to a little device called the Kentucky long rifle.
When the Democrat slave holders told us we’d have to accept the early beatings that Robert E Lee gave us, the first GOP president responded with Grant and Sherman and a lot of union guns.
When the imperial Japanese told us that most of our fleet had been sunk and Pearl Harbor was on fire, so we’d need to accept our beating, we responded with Bull Halsey, Navy dive bombers, the US Marines and a one-two nuclear punch called Binger’s Buddy (HA!) and Little Boy.
So no, Kyle Rittenhouse did not need to take a beating from the three criminals who attacked him that night, and trust that they’d stop short of killing him. (Or maybe raping him, given Rosenbaum’s favorite pastime.)
Rittenhouse is an American citizen, and he was carrying a legally owned firearm that night, unlike Gaige Big-Douche, whose criminal record meant that he wasn’t allowed to carry the pistol that he tried to kill Rittenhouse with.
And just like a Kentucky long rifle beats Redcoats, and union armories beat less equipped southern Democrats, and nukes beat kamikazes, an AR-15 beats chains, skateboards and a pistol wielded by a cowardly domestic abuser with slow reflexes.
Almost more fun than watching the prosecutors crash and burn was watching the lefty celebrities and pundits going bat-guano crazy in public.
Many celebs sent around a copy-and-paste tweet that they mistook for profundity: “I want to live in a country where Colin Kaepernick is seen as a hero and Kyle Rittenhouse is seen as a terrorist.”
My first sarcastic response was along the lines of, “I’d like to live in a world where Kaepernick could hit a receiver on a short crossing pattern, and was good enough not to be benched in favor of the immortal Blaine Gabbert…”
But of course the only correct response is: You want to live in a country where Kaepernick is a good guy and Rittenhouse is a bad guy? We want you to live there, too.
Please go there now, you delusional a**hats!
Up next: a few lessons to be learned from the Rittenhouse case…
Avenatti/ Gaige “noodle-arm” Grosskreutz, 2024!