A New Press Secretary Gets Off to a Rough Start, and Beware the Monkey Pox (posted 5/27/22)

I was tempted to start this column by writing something like, “I leave town for a week and the whole country goes to hell in a handbasket.”

Then I remembered: Joey Gaffes is president.  So the country has been hell-bound and handbasket-adjacent for about 16 months now.  (Longest. 16. Months. Ever!)

But I’m not going to talk about the baby food shortage, or Scary Poppins getting canned before she could censor her first conservative outlet. 

Nor will I mention the Dem brain trust spending 6 months working on devising a scary phrase to move voters, and coming up with nothing better than the laughably stupid “Ultra Maga.”  (I mean, “Mega Maga” was lying right there, people!  And while still idiotic, at least it sounds a little cooler.)

And I’m not going to talk about the tragic school shooting in Texas, nor the predictably ghoulish, self-serving leftists trying to score political points over the still-cooling bodies of the victims.

(Though I was sad to see that in a crowd containing a lot of Texans, none of them put Beta O’Rourke in a headlock and hauled him out of the press conference where he pulled his self-aggrandizing stunt.  And then, when out of view of the cameras, gave him a much-deserved horse-whipping.)

Nope.  Today, I’m just going to talk about two stories that tell us a lot about the state of our political leadership.  

First, how ‘bout that new White House press secretary, huh? 

Just when you thought that nobody could be worse than Hacky Psaki, the Ginger Circle-Backer, along comes Karine Jean-Pierre, and says, “Hold my mug of racial grievance and unearned self-esteem, and watch this.”

On her first day on the job, she opened with a paean to her own historic history-making historicity, proudly checking her identity politics boxes:

She’s black.

She’s female.

She’s a lesbian.

She’s an immigrant.


Did you notice what was NOT mentioned in that list? 

Competence.  Unflappability.  Quickness on her feet.  Truthfulness.

Okay, that last one’s not fair, since a press secretary’s job is to spin and shade the truth for an administration.  And the job of doing that for Joey Gaffes has to be the toughest one ever, given how little she has to work with.

But holy Holstein, did she ever make a mess of things right out of the gate!

She struggled to produce clear answers.  She read – woodenly – from written talking points that only tangentially dealt with the questions being asked.  And when Peter Doocy asked her a question that was the least bit pointed?

It would be an insult to all the deer ever caught mid-way across a country road by a speeding car to say that she reacted like a deer in the headlights.

I’ve seen more convincing hostage videos. 

I can’t understand the attraction that identity politics has for some people.  How long will it be before a majority of our fellow citizens will recognize, admit and reject the utter folly of hiring people based on their skin color or who they are attracted to?  It’s galling to hear this brought up as if it’s a qualification for employment. 

So KJP finds women attractive.  So what?  So do I. Does that mean I should be the White House spokes-weasel?

Though wouldn’t that be sweet?  Sure, I’d last about 7 minutes, but they would be 7 glorious minutes, as I walked out without any notes and started winging it:

“Hello, I’m Martin, and I’m the new WH spokesman.  I’m a phallo-American, I’m 2 shades darker than Grandma Squanto (#wemustneverstopmockingher), I like chicks, and my parents were proud Appalachian-Americans on one side and Germans on the other.  

So you know that I’m going to know what I’m talking about.

Now let’s get started.  And before you can ask what the President meant in his unscripted remarks this morning, your guess is as good as ours.  But just to be safe, we are walking back whatever he thought that he meant.”   

This kind of racial and gender box-checking would be outrageous even if the job wasn’t high profile and important, like supreme court justice, vice president, or press secretary.  As in many other cases, average people’s common sense would keep them from making that kind of hiring decision, even when making a much less consequential one.

Would you choose an accountant because of her genitalia?  A mechanic based on his skin tone?  A plumber because of where his ancestors came from? 

Consider this scenario:  You get home from work and walk past an odd-looking character yanking fruitlessly on a mower’s pull cord in the front yard, and then find your wife in the living room, watching through the front window.

You: Who is that?

Wife: New landscaper.

You: How’d you find her?

Wife:  Don’t misgender!  Her pronouns are them/they.

You: Don’t you mean, their pronouns are them/they?  (You notice a hard look.)  How did you find them?

Wife: I heard about them on the local non-binary social media job board.

You: Do they have any experience?

Wife: Yes.  They transitioned at 20, had the top surgery but not the bottom yet.  They’re also visually challenged, gender fluid, and vegan.

You (suspecting you have made a terrible marital choice): Do they have any experience mowing?

Just then the mower fires up.  Within a minute, a bunch of chopped up peonies slaps against the front window.  Then a cat screeches.

You (noticing that your wife has crossed her arms over her chest, and won’t look at you):  It looks like they just mowed over the peonies, and one of the cats.

Wife: (icy silence)

A grinding noise comes from outside, and rose petals fall in front of the window.

You: I think they just took out your roses.  (A cat screeches.)  And another cat.

Wife: Fine.  Go fire her.

You: Do you mean fire them?

Wife (giving you a look like Darth Vader when he was strangling that underling with his mind): We’ve got one cat left – move!

You: I’ll take care of it. (You move to the front door)

Wife (softening): Oh, what will she do for work now?

You: Don’t you mean, what will THEY do—(You get a look that makes part of your anatomy withdraw into your abdominal cavity, and clear your throat.)  I mean, they’ll find something.  I hear there’s an opening for a non-binary lesbian immigrant to lie for the president.

And, scene.

Second, monkey pox is now stalking the land.

That sounds pretty scary.  When you mention a disease called “monkey pox,” you’ve got my attention.  But you had me at “monkey.”

Can there be any disease-related word to follow up “monkey” that would NOT be seriously disturbing?

“Monkey fever” sounds pretty grim.  I would not want to be diagnosed with “monkey-itis.” Or any condition that combines “simian” and “syndrome.”

And when you follow up “monkey” with the medieval frisson of “pox,” you’ve got yourself the makings of a public panic. 

Which is just what the Dems would love.  Their exploitative over-reaction to covid – and the perfect storm of mail-in voting, unsecured drop boxes and month-long voting periods they were able to shoe-horn in with it – helped them to elect a posthumous president and throw our country into its current dead man’s spin. 

Today, given the horrific polls for Brandon, Que Mala, Imhotep Pelosi, Grandma Squanto et al, what kind of electoral rabbit can they possibly pull out of a hat to forestall their pending electoral massacre in November?

There’s no rabbit for that. 

But there is a monkey… preferably one with pox! 

But — cue the sad trombone – it looks like monkey pox isn’t going to be the pandemic they desperately need.

First, it’s much less communicable than something like covid.  Second, the best way to contract it is to have sex with someone who has it.  Third, there is already a vaccine for it, so you won’t be able to lock down the public until way past the election with the promise of an eventual cure.

Like most Americans, I’m thinking this:  You’re telling me that if I can refrain from having sex with strangers – especially ones with visible sores — I’m not getting poxxed up? 

Done and done.

Compare that to the fears felt in the first days of covid:  Don’t go outside, or see people, or touch things.  Don’t go indoors, but being outdoors doesn’t help much either.  Also go easy on the inhaling and exhaling. 

And try to breathe through this cloth over your face — like waterboarding, only without the water.

And do everything Fauci tells you to, even as that advice changes every 17 minutes. Sorry Dems.  This isn’t the virus you were looking for.

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