I don’t want to write any more about Joe Biden. You don’t want to read any more about Joe Biden. But we’re all stuck having to notice him once in a while, since he’s – technically, infuriatingly, posthumously – the president.
At least for the remaining 2.5 years of his presidency, which has somehow been going on for 127 years so far.
Remember what it was like, 127 years ago?
Our country had a border. Inflation was around 2%. Pronouns still worked the way they’d worked since around the year 450, when the Angles and Saxons said, “Let’s come up with a Germanic language called Angle-ish, so that Shakespeare and King James’ boys can kick some arse with it in 1000 years. And we’ll base it on rational pronouns.”
Criminals tried to hide, and commit their crimes when no one was watching. When they were caught, they used to be – get this! – tried and convicted and thrown in jail. Usually for longer than a week or two!
Mummies only showed up in monster movies, rather than in the House Speaker’s chamber. And all the fake Indians in the country were either selling rubber tomahawks in roadside souvenir stands or acting in F-Troop, instead of occupying a MA senate seat. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
And Cassie the Wonder Dog was Cassie the Wonder Pup, but dogs were still Man’s Best Friend, instead of an “emotional support” prop for troubled people to take on airplanes.
And there were constitutional amendments that Americans were fond of, including ones about free speech, and the ability to defend yourself with a shootin’ iron that would – it was well known – “get ya’ mind right.”
And gather ‘round kids, because Grandpa Simpson is going to really blow your mind: Gasoline was $2.20 a gallon! Not a liter, or whatever you kids these days measure with, an actual gallon!
And when young mothers wanted baby formula, they’d go and get it from a store. Just the way it works in a first-world country.
And you knew where you were then, goils were goils and men were men. Mister we could use a man like Ronald Reagan againnnnn!
Where was I?
Oh, yeah. The ghost of Biden continues to ruin everything.
Three examples from the last week:
1.NBC “news” had a long story – in which they were trying to spin FOR him! – that portrayed him as a bumbling incompetent. The story listed a bunch of failures caused or exacerbated by Biden — the Afghanistan debacle, inflation, baby formula shortages, spiraling gas prices — but cast them as if they were acts of God, beyond his control.
Biden comes across as a self-pitying dope, whining about how he “can’t catch a break,” and asking, “What’s next, locusts?”
Biden also moans about how he’s not getting “any credit” for all the good things that are happening on his watch.
Oh yes you are, Brandon. If by “all the good things” you mean “the terrible things,” and if by “credit” you mean “blame.”
2. That NBC story mentions another metaphorical rake that Biden continues stepping on, and which other news reports have chronicled: he’s angry because his staff keeps “walking back” his statements.
In Biden’s “mind” – and yes, those are scare quotes – “he makes a clear and succinct statement,” and then his aides follow up to explain that he meant something else. Biden tells his advisers that those constant clean-ups, “undermine him” and “smother his authenticity.”
Ah yes. Joe Biden’s many clear and succinct statements.
Like telling Putin that a minor incursion into Ukraine would be okay, and saying that Putin can’t remain in power, and telling China that the US military will defend Taiwan, and claiming that meth-addicted, brother’s-widow-jumping degenerate Hunter Biden is the “smartest man I’ve ever met.”
Those statements. How dare his aides try to walk those back?
Besides, how could they – or anyone — “smother” Joe Biden’s “authenticity?!”
This is the same guy who ended earlier presidential runs after getting caught plagiarizing. Twice! (In one case he spoke movingly about his early years spent mining coal – in a coal mine in Wales, where the original author came from.) And who has claimed to have been a truck driver, with a high IQ, and highest GPA in his law school class.
Also, he was accepted into the US Naval Academy. And he knows his way around a shotgun, and could whip your butt in a push-up contest, Fat!
Obviously, if there’s one thing Biden is known for, it’s authenticity!
3. Don’t worry, though, because those same aides came up with a PR master-stroke to sell Brandon’s agenda to a nauseous American public: bring in a Korean boy band for a photo-op!
The idea didn’t go over so well at first. One minion was explaining the phenomenon of K-pop to Biden, which made him drop to the floor and cower behind his desk.
Once the aide made clear that the plan involved K-pop and not Corn Pop, he got the green light.
But the event was a little confusing, for several reasons. Biden clearly didn’t know any of the band members, and they didn’t know him. The message was supposed to be a rebuke of all the white supremacists who have been assaulting Asians lately.
But inconveniently, all of the recent assaulters have been the same kind of white supremacists who attacked Jussie Smollett: white guys cleverly disguised as Nigerians, cosplaying as Trump supporters.
Sadly, when Biden took a picture with the 7 band members, only one person in the room was a fluent speaker of English.
And that person was not the president of the United States.
In the words of one of K-pop’s best known songs: 가자, 브랜든. (Please look that up and see if I’ve got it right, because my Korean is a little rusty.)
By the way, for those of you who recognized the theme song from All in the Family above, I give you this gift: part of the lyrics to a second verse that weren’t sung on the show–
“People seemed to be content.
Fifty dollars paid the rent.
Freaks were in a circus tent.
Those were the days.”
Freaks were in a circus tent! That’s poetry right there, and it’s funny because it’s true.
It’s been a long 127 years, and it’s only been 70 weeks