A Public Service Announcement to Improve Your Life(posted 3/10/23)

Hello All,  

This is your humble Roving Correspondent, speaking to you on behalf of the whole brain-trust team here at Cautious Optimism: the Big Man himself (CO), the COW, COSE, the Silber Surfer, the Correspondent for Thinly Researched Conspiracy Theories, etc. (I mean, I haven’t actually cleared this with any of them, or even discussed it with them, but I’m sure they’re with me on this.) 

Gather around, and I’m going to give you some valuable advice that you’ll want to return to again and again throughout your life:

You know who you should trust for accurate news of the world, and solid reporting on and interpretation of the same? 

Us.  Especially me. 

You know who you should NOT trust as far as you can throw them, even if you have a trebuchet in your back yard that can toss a stupid human several blocks away? 

(By the way, if you do have such a trebuchet and are planning to launch a stupid person several blocks away, please be mindful that their empty-headed body may do damage to whatever it lands on.  So check out the surrounding area and see if anybody has one of those obnoxious signs in their yard which starts out, “In this house we… welcome migrants, believe in the glorious socialist future, don’t believe in X and Y chromosomes or sex-differentiated genitalia…”  Then adjust your trebuchet’s aim accordingly, and let ‘er rip!)

(Hat tip to Woo Hah and Yee Hah, ancient Chinese inventors of the trebuchet.)

(Also, coincidentally, “Woo hah!” and “Yee hah!” are the sounds you make when your trebuchet launches a Biden voter violently up into the sky, followed by his diminishing cry of, “I deserve this because of my white privilege…” as he disappears from sight.)

(Before a distant, yet satisfying crunch as the virtue signaling dullard lands on a Volvo with a “Coexist” bumper sticker on it in the driveway of the yard with the “Black Lives Matter” sign in it two blocks away.)  

Wow.  A four-level-deep parenthetical diversion.  Now I’m a little light-headed.

Where was I? 

Oh yeah: who should you NOT trust for news about the world or politics?

Entertainers! 

For example, even though Jane Fonda was quite fetching 55 years ago in Barbarella, she also thought it was a great idea to pose for a photo-op with some commie murderers on an anti-aircraft gun.

And even though Bryan Cranston was amazing in Breaking Bad, he recently explained that,“Make America Great Again” is a racist slogan.

And even though Ken Burns made the great documentary series The Civil War, he went on CNN this week, and in front of literally dozens of viewers compared DeSantis’s attempt to keep hateful, anti-American whitey-hating pseudo-history out of Florida schools to a Hitlerian “rewriting of history.”   

And now comes yet another example.

This time it’s Cyndi Lauper, the moderately talented singer of a few inconsequential 1980’s pop songs with the desperate-cry-for-attention hair color.

By the way, if you remember my most recent column on the unfairness of life re: so many irritating people outliving great ones, here are a few more data points:  

Walter Payton and Sam Kinison were both born in 1953, and they’ve both been dead for more than 20 years.  Norm MacDonald was born in 1959, and died in 2021.

But Cyndi Lauper — also born in 1953 – is still with us.  And she’s got opinions.

And man ‘o Manischewitz, are they are stupid! 

For example, you’ve probably heard about laws being enacted by voters to keep some docs and hospitals from making huge profits operating on gender-confused children and teens, followed by a stream of lucrative life-long income from providing those poor kids with hormones, therapy and more surgeries to try to keep them from killing themselves once they’ve realized the monstrously wrong and irreversible effects of those creepy surgeries and hormonal abuse.   

You might think that those laws sound like a great idea. 

But that’s because you’ve never covered yourself with too much makeup and too many bracelets and sold a million records 40 years ago.  So stay in your lane, and listen to Cyndi.

She has looked at legislation requiring that people use the correct bathrooms and wait to have genital-mutilating surgery until they are adults, and drew the obvious conclusion, in this quote which I swear I am not making up: “This is how Hitler started, just weeding everybody out.”

Yes.  Exactly!  I think we all remember the early, grainy footage of Hitler bursting into a clinic to stop a bunch of strapping Hitler Youth boys from being turned into members of the League of German Girls.  (Look it up.) 

Because THAT’s the one thing Hitler was best known for: his deep and abiding respect for the gender we are assigned at birth!

Mein gott!  

Cyndi, there were indeed many cruel and barbaric surgeries on people in Germany in the 1930s and 40s, surgeries in which people were used as human guinea pigs, with no moral weight or respect given to their bodily integrity. 

Do you know who did those surgeries, Sweet Pea?  [cue Sam Kinison voice] “THE NAZIS! THEY DID THAT!!  OH! OHHHHH!”

And you know who stopped those atrocities?  The good guys.  We shut down the medical “clinics” by way of B-17 bombing raids, brave Allied troops, and lots and lots of tough fighting.  And we chased those creepy surgeons down, some of them even all the way to South America.

Read a book, Cyndi.  But be prepared to have your mind blown when you find out that in your own analogy, you are actually supporting the Nazis and their modern-day Mengele-esque doctors.

By the way, “Girls Just Want to Have Fun,” is a catchy, harmless pop tune, and I can see why you had a hit with it. 

You know what song would NOT have made the pop charts?  (What’s that?  The ghost of Sam Kinison is back?  Ok…)   “GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE THEIR HEALTHY BREASTS CUT OFF!! OH!  OHHHHHH!” 

And yes, Cyndi, we do see your true colors, shining through.

And those colors are a black swastika, in a white circle, on a blood-red banner.  Knock it off!

On a happier note, I am very glad the GOP has a majority in the House, because otherwise we would not have seen Tucker Carlson’s great exposure of what actually happened on January 6^th.  And we also would not have seen the MSM, the Dems, and too many “Republicans” losing their Schiff over it. 

One after another, they’ve denounced Carlson for the way he’s “depicting… his version of events.” 

It’s not “his version” of anything, you idiots!  He’s literally just showing actual video of the actual events.

Now I could see one reasonable counter-argument: if Tucker selectively shows some video excerpts and not others, he might be skewing the totality of what happened. 

For example, it could be that 95% of the protestors that day were violent thugs (they weren’t), the right-wing version of antifa or BLM, and only 5% were peaceful, non-violent protestors (they weren’t).  And maybe Tucker is ONLY showing those 5%, and thus giving a biased picture of the totality of what happened on J6. (He isn’t.)

But if you agree that that might be true (it’s not), don’t you realize the logically necessary corollary to that?  By showing only a very tiny slice of the thousands of hours of J6 video footage, and vigorously fighting the release of all other footage, the dishonest leftist hacks on the J6 committee – I’m looking at you too, Crybaby Kinzinger and Lyin’ Liz Cheney – did exactly that!

And I don’t remember Cocaine Mitch, Willard Romney and the rest of the RINOs screaming about the unfairness of that.  (Because they didn’t.) 

Oh, if only there were a way that we could get to the truth!  If only—

Wait a minute.  An idea occurs to me, and it might be just crazy enough to work!  

What if someone made ALL of the J6 video publicly available?  Sure, that would require some determination, in the hands of someone with the political power to make it happen.  But that would answer all of our—

What’s that?  The Democrat star chamber running the multi-year Potemkin J6 show-trial had total control over all that video and could have released everything 2 years ago, thus revealing the unvarnished, un-spun truth to the American public? 

And yet they didn’t do that?

And now they’ve got their gender non-binary footie-pajamas pulled up over their heads and they’re shrieking that Tucker is Hitler – or Tucker hit her, or tacky hiccup, or something?

(You can’t really hear them clearly, because their howling is muffled by the fact that they’re yelling through what is supposed to be the butt-flap in their footie pjs, but is now over their faces. Because they’ve pulled them up over their heads, as I think I mentioned earlier.)   

Huh.  Why, it’s almost like they’re a bunch of colossal hypocrites, speaking with forked tongue, as Liz Warren’s tribespeople used to say.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Whew!  I’m a little out of breath after that.  Let me just take one more sip of Knob Creek 9 and review my original goals for this column: 

Provide useful and timely trebuchet knowledge to the general public?  Check.

Rhetorically Hillary-slap dopey old Cyndi Lauper?  Check.

Lambaste MSM, Dems and RINOS for their J6 perfidy?  Check.

Last-minute insertion of the hilarious, never-gets-old hashtag about never stop mocking pale Lizzie Warren?  

Check and mate!

Thus ends yet another valuable public service announcement.  As pretty much everything here at Cautious Optimism is.

You’re welcome.

Thanks to Alan Greenleaf and Ivy Shafer for hitting my tip jar, and have a great weekend, everybody!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Woo “The Trebuchet King” Hah, 2024!